12 oz. Mouse

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12 oz. Mouse (2005–) is an American animated comedy show on Cartoon Network as part of the Adult Swim late night programming block. The show centers around the antisocial actions of a 12 oz. mouse (Fitzgerald Mouse) who is fond of beer and caught in a world of espionage and love, and unknowingly delights in odd jobs. It is written (and possibly drawn) while drunk, and in addition the voice actors are either high or drunk while recording (which is done only on 1 take, too).

Contents

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Season 1

[edit]

101 - Hired

Shark: Can I help you?
Fitz: Can I help you?
Shark: What do you do?
Fitz: I do it all.
Shark: Have a seat.
Fitz: I will, because that's something I can do.
Shark: Then do something.

(a long pause with the camera on a motionless clock, which is ticking)

Shark: Do something.
Fitz: I am.
Fitz: I did.
Shark: What did you do?
(interrupting Shark) Fitz: It's already done.
Shark: What did you do?
Fitz: I helped you.
Shark: Are you drunk?
Fitz: (angry) Not drunk enough.
Fitz: Woah... a real buis-nass-man? No way.
Shark: He's rectangle-y. That's how you'll know him. By his rectangularness.
Fitz: No way.
Shark: Drive him to Cheese Industries. You don't even know where that is. That's why we picked you... because everyone else knows.
Fitz: Right now?
Shark: Mhmm.
Fitz: Oh look what I found. (Fitz pulls out a beer)
Fitz: I gotta do this first. (Fitz begins drinking beer) Ahhh.
Rectangle: God! Is the heat on in here?
Fitz: It should be... You like porno?
Rectangle: Well, uhh...
(cutting off Rectangle) Fitz: Look at this. (Fitz pulls out a crudely drawn sex doll)
Rectangle: Um... (removes glasses) I don't have any eyes.
Fitz: Oh man... sucks for you.
Fitz: Hey! You should feel around back there and grab me a beer.
Rectangle: But you're driving.
Fitz: Was driving. Sittin' back here with you now.

(camera shows Fitz sitting in the back with Rectangle. The Taxi Jet crashes and flips over shortly afterwards)

Fitz: My head. That guy... was such a dork... we should rob that bank.
Fitz: Hey Rhoda, let me get uh... twelve. Beers.
Rhoda: What are you uh... what are you celebratin' here? Your uh... outstanding gayness?
Fitz: Nope! Our bank robbery.
Rhoda: You robbed a bank!?
Fitz: Hell yeah!
Fitz: Like woah... look at down there. Meee-ouse. Meouse.
Man/Woman: Man power go!
Fitz's Song:
I love little pussy
Her coat is so warm
And if I-

(the policeman interrupts him)

Policeman: You boys uh, hear anything? Bank robbery... about it?
Fitz: Yea- Yep.
Policeman: Uhm, is that your stolen jet outside? With all those bags of money? In the back seat... dude?
Fitz: Well does it have bullet holes in it?
Policeman: Um... no.
(now with a beer) Fitz: Well then it's not mine, is it? (drinks)
Fitz: Excuse me, but that bartender just called you a homo.
Policeman: OH.

(Policeman walks over and shoots the bartender in the head with his shotgun)

Man/Woman: Oh my god, is he dead?
Fitz: No! I'm just drunk!
Fitz: Is that... is that a meteor?

(a meteor lands on Fitz's head)

Fitz: That's a cool meteor.
Talent Scout: Up top! (raises arm)
Fitz: ...but I'm too drunk!
Talent Scout: Perfect! Let me buy you a drink because you are HIRED, sir! Ha!
Fitz: Well, see first I need to check with my boss. Because he's a shark.
Fitz: What's it like to be a shark?

(Shark slips off his desk) :Shark: Ow.

Fitz: Nice.

(Shark flops up and down, trying to get back on to his desk)

Fitz: You need some help?
Shark: Wait. I'll do it.

(Shark flops some more and gets back up to his desk)

Shark: So let me get this straight.
Fitz: Okay. Please...
Shark: I sent you to pick up a client and take him to a meeting.
Fitz: Yes. Yessir?
Shark: Instead of that... you took him to a porno set, where he starred in his very first porno and then you blew him up...
Fitz: Wrong. That didn't happen.
Shark: ...Then you robbed a bank...
Fitz: Robbed a bank?
Shark: ...Threw up on a woman...
Fitz: What!?
Shark: ...and sang to the police.
Fitz: That didn't happen. I didn't do that.
Shark: Huh... So what did you do?
Fitz: I did exactly what I wanted to do.
Shark: Which was what? Again?
Fitz: All things. A-L-L.
Shark: Hey, you know what they say? That I'm gonna give you one more chance.
Shark: They always say that.
Fitz: Oh, yeah? (angry) I think I'll give you one more chance!

(Fitz unloads multiple gun shots into Shark and then jumps out of his chair and begins to pistol whip Shark. He hops back to his seat and unloads even more shots)

Shark: Bulletproof.
Fitz: Heh. Then I guess I'll take the job.
Eye: I live on an eye-land in Eye-owa.
Eye: Or... W-eye-oming.
Fitz: No. You can't do that.
[edit]

102 - Signals

Fitz: So, what's it like to be an eye?
Eye: It's like... wow.
Fitz: Oh yeah? Really?
Eye: Real... estate.
Fitz: So how do you know... Shark?
Eye: Shark... know... eye.
Fitz: So what, you hired me through him?
Eye: Aye.
Fitz: Mmm. Good news for Mouse. He's hired. What's the job?
Eye: Golden Joe.
Fitz: Golden? No way.
Eye: Way. Curds and Whey.
Fitz: Who is it?
Eye: Magic man. Does business on frik.
Fitz: Owes ya money?
Eye: Lots. Up to his eyes.
Fitz: How much does it cost?
Eye: Fifty Mil.
Eye: How much do you charge eh.
Fitz: Fifty Mil.
Eye: Upfront for eye?
Fitz: Upfront, upback, upside, upside your head. (Siren Lady emits airhorn sound)
Eye: It pays fifty mil from Eye.
Fitz: Oh yea. It pays fifty mil upfront, it pays fifty more mil when I deliver.
Fitz: That's Sixty Mil.
Eye: It doesn't. But it will.
Shark: Sit down.
Fitz: No.
Shark: Stand up.
Fitz: No. (mouse sits)
Shark: Golden Joe is like... magical. All disappeary and shut. You watch that, okay?
Fitz: No.
Shark: Because I... I've come to care about you. A lot.

(Camera zooms into Fitz, wide-eyed upon hearing this)

Shark: And also not in that way.

(Fitz is no longer wide-eyed)

Shark: Well, yeah, in that way a little.

(Fitz is wide-eyed again)

Shark: Half and half.
Fitz: I need a drink.
Shark: It doesn't matter. You'll be back.
Rhoda: How about you, you want the uh, usual 12 beers at once?
Fitz: Make it uh, let's make it 13.
Fitz: I've got a special effects guy outside, works in the movies. He worked on Black Beast.
Fitz: He's the best, have you seen that?
Golden Joe: Uh-uh.
Fitz: There's not one beast in it, but you think there is, okay? He's that good.
Fitz: Mmmm, let's go out later. I wanna drink some. So I can drive.

(Camera shows Fitz driving his Taxi Jet down the road, upside-down with sparks flying all over)

Fitz: What do you know about tanks?
Golden Joe: They are BIG as HELL!
Fitz: They're also good for bustin' squirrels out of jail.
Fitz: But first... this tank needs some liquor.
Liquor: Ah, Fitz, the usual?
Fitz: Yep.
Liquor: That'll be...

(camera shows the rack of beers, labelled thirty cents)

Liquor: Lets see...

(Fitz takes a beer from the rack)

Liquor: Three hundred dollars?
Fitz: Tell ya what.

(Fitz drinks the whole beer, throws down the bottle and the bottle shatters. He then leaves the store) (Close up on Liquor)(Siren Lady emits airhorn sound)

Woman: Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. You can't park here. Sir. Sir, excuse me, you can't park that tank here. Sir, you can't park that tank here. Excuse me, sir, you can't park that tank here. Excuse me, you can't park that tank here.

(Fitz shoots the woman with the tank)

Fitz: What'd she say?
Golden Joe: MAN, that was CRAZY AS HELL!
Fitz's Song:
Look at the sun
Over the mountains
It sets like destiny
Over the mountains
It's so beautiful

(atop Fitz's tank, which he has driven into the mountains)

Eye: Eye saw you dr-eye-ving the tank.
Fitz: No, that wasn't me. I don't drive.
Eye: Did you get my mon-eye?
Fitz: I don't understand anything you're saying.
Eye: Did you get my money?
Fitz: Yeaus.
Eye: Where is it?
Fitz: Pissed it away.
Eye: Ooh. On What?
Fitz: Spennit. On... piss.
Eye: On what?
Fitz: A tank.
Eye: Which tonk?
Fitz: Every tonk.

(Skillet starts screaming and jumping as his ankleband starts beeping and displaying a frown face)

Eye: What in the piss is wrong with your friend?
Fitz: His name is Night Moves. He was born with it, and he loves tanks.

(Skillet explodes)

The continuation of Fitz's song:
Look with me Eye
And see what you can see
When you see the sun
When it sets
Shark: Hey, how'd the job go?
Fitz: You know.
Shark: Mhmm.
Fitz: Started it an... and it went on. You know.
Shark: Mmmmm... You didn't do it, did you?
Fitz: No, no, I did it.
Shark: No, no, no, no. Don't lie. 'Cause you didn't do it.
Fitz: Did.
Shark: All right, then what was the job?
Fitz: To do things.
Shark: For what?
Fitz: Mmmmmon-
(Shark interrupts) Shark: Don't say 'money'.
Fitz: Rubles.
Fitz: Barney Rubles.
Shark: Where's this going?
Fitz: Right here.
Shark: Where?
Fitz: Everywhere.

(Fitz's eyes open wide and he jumps on to the Shark's desk. A man in an orange sheet is standing behind them, the sheet making flapping noises)

Fitz: (whispering) Who's... who's the ghost?
Shark: That's the new guy.


[edit]

103 - Rooster

Fitz: This is a corndog... must be a divining corndog... it must want... mustard.
Roostre's Song
Some people like to grow cotton
Some people slop them hogs
Me, I do it different
I grow big ol' fat corn dogs
Fitz: Who are you?
Roostre: Name's Roostre, R double-O S T R E. Sometimes all in capitals, depending on if you're yellin' at me or not. So uh, you yellin'?
Fitz: I ain't yellin'.
Roostre: Well, not yet. See you've found footlong there!
Fitz: Who's that?
Roostre: Footlong! He's my homing dog, got a sense for radar and quaznit.
Fitz: So... your corndog has radar. I knew it! But what would he want with radar?
Roostre: What's anyone want with radar? Everything boy, mouse, whatever. You a mouse, or a...
Fitz: Or what?
Roostre: Or hell I don't know, just thought you were a mouse or something, I mean you look like a damn mouse. The mouse.
Fitz: Maybe.
Roostre: You know "radar" spelled backwards is "radar." Did'ja know that?
Fitz: (wide open eyes, long pause)
Roostre: You're thinking about it ain't ya.
Fitz: Maybe.

(Corndog in Fitz's hand sprouts wings and flies upward and Fitz's eyes grow wide)

Roostre: What the hell?
Roostre: Get me missile command ASAP.

(Rocket launcher emerges from house)

Roostre: Where in the hell does that damn mutt think he's going to?

(Camera goes over Roostre's eye which has a targeting system of the corndog)

Roostre: Hold on you mangy smell hound, here it comes!

(Missile launches)

Roostre: Fire!

(Giant explosion where the corndog is)

Roostre: Hey, uh, you want a beer, or do we need to get twelve?
Eye: I think that I am ver-eye t-eye-red of the t-eye-me
Ver-eye tired of the time
Ver-eye tired of the time
Ver-eye tired of the time
Ver-eye tired of the time
Ver-eye tired of the time
Ver-eye tired of the time gas!!!

(is sprayed by a clock with a green gas)

The New Guy's Song:
Passion hides
In painted smiles
Tropical liasons
Wet and wild
Mingle and chime
And ladder climb
For glamour and for gold
The jetset meets the maritime
Where love is bought and sold
Stones are searching deep within
Where lying eyes will always win
Dusk to dawn she trawls
And your will is dying (dying)
Shark: Got a job for you.
Fitz: I'm enthusiastic... about all beer.
[edit]

104 - Spider

Shark: If I were you, I would not check my ice box. I wouldn't check yours either.
Policeman: Are you the one who broke in here... now?
Talent Scout: Heyy kid, I never have to break in when I am in the Nihm. You know what I'm sayin'?
Policeman: ...nope.
Talent Scout: My hea-! (Cut off mid-word)

(Talent Scout's head is cut in half and spews blood upwards)

Policeman: Whoaa.... Is that ice cream?

(Policeman is drenched in a spray of blood)

Policeman (Whispering): Awesome.
Shark: I have always wanted to be in a band.
Fitz: Oh yeah, what do you play?
Shark: I play... with minds. Shhhhhh. Go home and think about that.
Shark: You found my record, didn’t you? Now… spin it.
Rhoda (to Eye): And the word is - and I'm not saying this what I think, know, or have heard to be true, but Liquor said that Mouse is up to his cans. Yeah, and not only that, but New Guy heard he got out, right, like someone got him out, and he got a thing for squirrels. Now I'm not talking as though he's cheesy green up on them, I'm saying more like Ecuadorian sleep, if you get the picture. Oh and another thing, Roostre, you know Roostre, up on the farm guy? Alright, well Liquor also says that a letter accidentally got delivered to him, but before he could open it, boom, just like that, clock shows up, next thing he remembers it's day 97.
Shark (to Rhoda): And then something goes off in my brain, and sends an impulse to my jaw, and BAM, a thousand pounds of pressure locked in like a vice. I mean, a head your size would burst like an infected kidney, and all I'd remember was how warm the juices were that lapped the back of my uvula on their trip down to stomach-land. But we're friends, right? We know each other. We know what we do, and who we talk to, and what we say to them.
Rhoda: ...We... do.
Shark: I knew we did. Now let's talk about the letter that Liquor got.

Liquor (reading a misdelivered letter intended for Roostre): Dad, I have spent over 10 years and $94,000 putting together my mosquito costume and now I am pleased to announce that I have become a mosquito. The costume is quite realistic and I have even attached bladders to the nose thing so that I can suck up liquids when I puncture them with my nose thing. I could be buzzing all around you on a hot summer day and you wouldn't even recognize me as your sun-child, you would just think, “Get away, Mosquito.” From my point of view, you would be 3,000 dads because of the way that I've designed the eyeballs. I might be saying, “Dad it's me – Dad, it's me,” but you wouldn't be able to understand my language because of its buzzing. I am also into plastics now and I am making tubes that you can suck liquids through; kind of like my mosquito nose, but used for different reason. Hope you're doing well at camp. See you soon.

~Mosquitor

[edit]

105 - Rememorized

Man-Woman: Stop. Where's everyone going?
Square-Guy: Well, first off, all those people are actually following me. Because I have a 7000 mile global headstart.
Liquor: I have an idea, and it's a good one.
Man-Woman: Tell me.
Liquor: Go outside, stand in the road, every time you see a car, flip it off.
Man-Woman: What will that do?
Liquor: It'll be neat!
Square Guy's Special Words: Miglo la mofla ferneminen
Man-Woman: You're ending your sentences in prepositional phrases. You'd better stop ending your sentences in prepositional phrases.
Rhoda: Or what?
Man-Woman: I'll make it look like you killed me...
Shark: You're so...talk so much.
[edit]

106 - Spharktasm

Rhoda: You have no idea what kind of party is in store for us here.
Fitz: I love a party, with clowns and cakes. You know, I can't remember the last time I was at a party, and that is what's driving me out of my brains.
Fitz: I've got a lot on my mind. I've got a lot on my mind and a lot of gun in my hand so don't "F" this up.
Fitz: Grab another turkey and put it at her feet.
Roostre's Song:
Was a time
Not long ago
Lived a good life
On the road
Big snout house
Two car garage
Three-piece suit
And a brand new Dodge
But in a wink of an eye
I lost it all
I got some land
Grow corn dogs
So now I'm stuck
On this here farm
Done lost my mind
Then I lost my arm
Grow mean dogs
For the carny trash
Are 'mong the things
I'll do for cash
But my demise
Ain't all my fault
But a redivorce
That it has brought
But a redivorce
That it has brought

(Fitz is assembling his multi-barreled gun)

Fitz: Okay, here's the deal fellas. One of you, all of you, none of you, maybe, know exactly what is going on here.
Roostre: Now Mouse, you don't know what you're talking about.
Fitz: Shut up. Nobody talks. Nobody talks until I...

(he has assembled the gun with most of the barrels pointing back at him)

Fitz: ...figure out what I'm doing with this thing.
Fitz: This is all like a puke dream that I can't seem to shake the sweats from, and every time I turn around, there's a shark and a clock... some sort of eyeball thing.
Fitz: Funny thing is, I have these weird flashes, like I've been somewhere before, ripped from somewhere, for reasons I don't understand.
Fitz: I've a lot on my mind and a lot of gun in my hand, so don't F this up.
Additional lyrics to the New Guy's song:
Poolside games for little dames
Once a twister, now you're in limbo
Libido

(the next is drowned out by screaming)

[edit]

107 - Adventure Mouse

Eye: I'm having fun at your part-eye.
Shark: Yeah, thanks, uh... love it over there. Away from me. In Canada, or farther.
Eye: That's a good show. How does it end?
Shark: It never ends.
Eye: But ever-eye-thing ends, somehow.
Shark: You are becoming a real problem.
Eye: I'm sorry.
Square Guy: Shark, I think he should prove his sorriness... with these.

(takes out a pair of bloody shears)

Shark: Wow. Yeah, that's menacing.

(Talking to The Eye)

Shark: Who told you about the party? 'Cause I dont have people in that often. And you're not even people. You round, wet, unblinking, horrific orb. You're gross. I really wish you would leave my party.

(Fitz falls through a secret passage, and the bookcase hiding it closes behind him. Skillet starts punching the bookcase, and Shark is watching it all on camera.)

Shark: Whoa. Down little buddy. Down. I don't wanna tell you again. I will, but I don't wanna.

(Skillet doesn't stop, and crosshairs appear on-screen. A dart hits Skillet in the neck.)

(Eye hops through the party on one leg, a bleeding wound where the other should be.)

Eye: I hurt! I hurt!

(falls into a pool of his own blood)

Eye: I need help.

(closes his eye as Shark looks on and laughs evilly)

[edit]

Opening Theme Song

(This is a rough transcription.)

Out of my way, I'm drunk as hell!

I'll blow your ass away like a-ringin' a bell.

Foot's to the floor and the whiskey's flowin',

I gotta porn shoot, I gotta get goin'.

You don't understand. He don't give a damn.

12 oz. Mouse 12 oz. Mouse

12 oz. Mouse 12 oz. Mouse

Jet car's rollin' all night long, crankin' up the jams and singin' along, car's full of bitches and a brand new bong.

[edit]

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