Absolutely Fabulous

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Absolutely Fabulous (1992–2004), created by Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French, follows the wacky antics of drug-addled public relations consultant Edina "Eddy" Monsoon (Saunders) and her best friend, model, and professional hanger-on Patsy Stone (Joanna Lumley), as they deal with post-Flower Power life, aggravated further by Eddy's infuriatingly intellectual, responsible daughter Saffron.

Contents

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Regular episodes

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France (1.03)

[Airline stewardess are dispensing food and drinks.]
Stewardess: Thank you, madame.
Patsy: MOISELLE, MADEMOISELLE!
. . .
Patsy: The last mousquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic.
. . .
[Eddy, very drunk, gets into the right side of her French car, forgetting the wheel is on the left.]
Edina: Shit! Someone's taken the steering wheel!
. . .
Frenchman: Mais qu'est-ce que vous faites ici?
Bubble: He asks why you are staying here at the cottage.
Frenchman: Ils vous attendent au château à 400 metres!
Bubble: The staff are expecting us at the chateau about half a mile up the road.
Frenchman: J'espère que vous passiez des bonnes vacances.
Bubble: Aww, he hopes we had a nice stay.
Patsy: Listen, you little gunk! [grabs Bubble] If you tell anyone what he said I'll kill you.
. . .
[Patsy realizes that her stash of cocaine is really talcum powder.]
Patsy: It's not the money, Eddy, it's the terrible realisation that I actually enjoyed playing ping-pong!
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Magazine (1.06)

Saffron: So what does a fashion director do, anyway?
Edina: She gets 15% off at Harvey Nicks.
Patsy: I do more than that… One call and I can have hemlines raised so high, the world's your gynaecologist.
. . .
Patsy: You might dress like a Christian, but the similarity ends there.
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Hospital (2.01)

[Patsy freaks out over an article about her in a weekly rag. Edina reads it.]
Edina: "Patsy Stone… 47…"
Patsy: AGGGHHHH! I'LL SUE!
Saffron: Well, how old is she?
Patsy: Thirty-nine!
Saffron: And I'm an ovum.
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Death (2.02)

[Patsy and Eddy are discussing Eddy's recent art purchases at her father's wake.]
Edina: This is, this is a corpse in an open, oaken, oblong coffin… It's a dead body, Pats.
Patsy: Yeah, but is it art, Eddy?
Edina: No, Pats, it's my father.
Patsy: You sure?
Edina: I think so, I just never seen him in a suit before.
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Morocco (2.03)

[Eddy points to her bag of "Pop-specs".]
Saffron: It's a sticker with a green tree on it. What does that mean?
Edina: It means kind to trees.
Saffron: How are they kind to trees?
Edina: Well, they ain't made of wood, how kind do you want them to be?
. . .
[Eddy mentions her and Patsy's upcoming trip to Marrakesh. Saffy sees an opportunity.]
Saffron: I'm studying indigenous people of that particular region of Northern Africa for my anthropology module at college this term…
[Eddy looks on in complete incomprehension.]
Edina: [To Patsy, ignoring Saffy] Do you want some Bolly, sweetie?
. . .
Edina: You go to Marrakesh for drugs, dirt cheap plates and rugs.
Patsy: Easy going sex with gorgeous underage youth…
Edina: Yeah, but the sex changes, doesn't it darling… well, not now… so, darling, you don't go there to study some ingenuous peasants for an anthology molecule!
. . .
[Patsy is very opposed to letting Saffron come along.]
Edina: Why not let her go to Morocco? We're going to Marrakesh!
. . .
[As Patsy, Eddy, and Saffy are rushing to leave for Morocco, Eddy reviews tasks with Bubble.]
Edina: Now, you have got the information, haven't you?
Bubble: Most of it. Yeah. Oh, yeah! Until the special thing broke.
Saffron: [off-camera] Mum!
Edina: What thing?
Bubble: The thing that's attached to the typewriter. Little animal with a ball.
Edina: What animal?
Bubble: Little animal… small… creeps about… not a rat…
Patsy: Gerbil!
Edina: Oh…
Saffron: Squirrel? Hedgehog?
Bubble: [squeaking] No! No!
Edina: No, no, no, don't panic her, or we'll never get anywhere. What, what? A mouse?
Bubble: Yeah! The mouse… that's got a telly with V.D.!
Edina: All right, that's… that's right. The VDU… the word processor.
[edit]

New Best Friend (2.04)

[Bettina and Max are in a very minimalist room.]
Bettina: [monotone] We like it. We feel it is the new millenium.
. . .
Edina: Lacroix, baby spew. Lacroix, baby spew.
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Poor (2.05)

Bubble: I turned on the what-cha-ma-call-it this morning…
Saffron: The radio?
Bubble: No, um, I want to say "telephone", but no, that's not right… You look at it…
Edina: TELEVISION, sweetie, you turned on the TELEVISION.
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Birth (2.06)

Patsy: When I heard Eddy was pregnant I told her to abort. ABORT ABORT ABORT!!! I said BRING ME…
Saffron: A knitting needle?
Patsy: A KNITTING NEEDLE!
. . .
[Flashback to Patsy's birth.]
Patsy's Mother: I name it "Eurydice Collette Klytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Patricia Rabelais Stone"! Now, take it away, and bring me another lover!
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Happy New Year (3.02)

[Patsy talks about her sister Jackie.]
Patsy: You know that Jacques Brel song, that Scotty Walker song "Jacky"? It was written after her! [singing] Cute, cute, cute in a stupid ass way!
. . .
Justin: Did you have the same father?
Jackie: No one knows. Mother was such a slut.
Patsy: It could have been any of the men in any of the bars in France. She was the entertainment.
Oliver: Before slot machines?
Edina: She was the slot machine!
. . .
[Edina shows off her rollerblades.]
Edina: My New Year's resolution, sweetie… to have more fun! What's yours, Pats?
Patsy: Ohh, well, I think I'll just try to be more relaxed.
Saffy: You, more relaxed? What is that, dead? Well, that cancels out my resolution.
. . .
Edina: Patsy got them to me for Christmas.
Saffron: I bought you those!
Patsy: I said I got them for you, Eddy, I didn't say they were from me…
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Sex (3.03)

[Edina and Patsy are looking at the pornographic magazine 'Razzle,' that Saffron found in her brother's room]
Saffron: How can you look at that? That is so degrading to women!
Patsy: How is it degrading to women? She's the one with the whip!
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Jealous (3.04)

Edina: I was gonna make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean this used to be, like, fun, you know. You know it used to be fun, you just ball out all the fun bits now, you know, with all these lunches and launches… You know, with some no career celebrities and party desperates… And what for, huh? It all culminates in crap-tags and mags? [slams fist on table] Well I'm sorry there has to be something more than that, doesn't there? Well I had a speech, you know? The whole projected-intergrated-global-tele-network system, bloody system, system… But you know, if that's what the world's coming to I don't want to be in it, I don't want that. I don't want to be in some sort of hyper-space bloody virtual reality, I don't want that! Exchanging email with some bloody old-age hippies with more information at their fingertips than is safe, I don't want that. What kind of reality is that, with a 13-amp plug on the end of it, huh? That can be unplugged like that. [gets up to leave] No, I'm not going yet. No, you, [points to her competition] you you sit there with your bell-curves and bloody ad-man, crack-head ad-man over there, those kings of bastardization, who took anything that was ever real and genuine and honest and attached it to a toilet cleaner. Whereas I, like a bird upon the wire, like a drunk in a midnight choir, I have tried, in my way, to be free. [sings] You can laugh but you know something, I don't want more choice I JUST WANT NICER THINGS! And you, tear that look off your face with your whales and your cancer and your AIDS and starvation, yeah, skimming any profit off the whole of human misery, ladeling us all with this 'global guilt.' You know it may not be all great and good but it ain't that bad, you know, so common' world cheer up, it may never happen.
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Panikin' (5.03)

Bubble: Minnie? Minnie Driver? Is it a dwarf?
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Specials

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Gay

[Edina meets her son, whom she finds out is gay but quite dull.]
Edina: Darling, being gay is the best excuse you'll ever have not to be boring!
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White Box

Bettina: I want [the table] out!
Max: We can't get it out.
Bettina: WHY?
Max: 'Cause you've taken out the stairs!
. . .
Edina: So what's the inspiration here?
Max: Holocaust.
Bettina: Don't you like it?
Edina: No, I love it, I love it, I think it's lovely, just thinking, perhaps something a little warmer…
Bettina: Max, turn on the pebbles.
[Max ignites an electric stone firepit.]
Bettina: COZY ENOUGH FOR YOU?
. . .
[Bettina and Max discuss their divorce.]
Bettina: Oh, that's right, you brought something into the box, didn't you, Max?
Max: Don't do this.
Bettina: Something FAT.
Max: We're just gonna click your medication…
Bettina: Something fffffat… fat… fffat… into the box…
Max: He wasn't fat, he was a little plump.
Bettina: Into the box! A violation of the box!
[Max is clicking Bettina's medication.]
Bettina: [fading] Fat, fat fattt…
. . .
Edina: So [Max] has to take [Bettina] back to Broadmore… she was only out on day release anyway.
Patsy: What's she in for?
Edina: Stabbing Kelly Hoppin with a glass shard at the design awards.
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Unknown episode

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Cast

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Regulars

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Guests

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