Airplane!

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Airplane! is a 1980 film that spoofs airport disaster movies. When the crew of an airplane come down with a severe case of food poisoning, the fate of the passengers depends on an ex-war pilot who is the only one able to land the plane safely!

Written and directed by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker.
What's slower than a speeding bullet, and able to hit tall buildings at a single bound? taglines

Contents

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Striker

  • [after being rejected by Elaine] What a pisser.
  • [thinking to himself, in an echoey voice] I've got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate. I've got to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate. Hello, hello, hello. Echo, echo, echo. Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon... Manny Mota, Mota, Mota.
  • I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it, Kramer?
  • It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts.
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Elaine

  • Mostly, I remember the nights when we were together. I remember how you used to hold me and... how I used to sit on your face and wiggle and...
  • Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic airpockets we encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
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McCroskey

  • Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
  • Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
  • Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
  • Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
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Rumack

  • The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "Sometime when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure."
  • I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you. (repeated several times)
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Kramer

  • Loneliness, that's the bottom line. I was never happy as a child... Christmas, Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living hell. Do you know what it's like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head? With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that never happens. Sorry, Ted, Skip that, it's a dumb question.
  • Alright, Striker, you listen, and listen close. Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
  • Airport management, the FAA and the airlines. They're all cheats and liars. Alright, lets get outta here.
...
Tower guy: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the search lights now.
Kramer: No... that's just what they'll be expecting us to do.
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Johnny

  • Off to the tower? Rapunzel! Rapunzel!
...
Reporter: What kind of plane is it?
Johnny: Oh it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the window and wheels. [Turns his head as if suddenly realising something] It looks like a big Tylenol [Matter-o-factly].
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Capt. Oveur

  • [Capt. Oveur is talking on the phone to the Mayo clinic, when he's interrupted by a Mr. Hamm on line five.] Alright, give me Hamm on five, hold the Mayo!
  • Joey, did ya ever hang around a gymnasium?
  • Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
  • Joey... have you ever been in a, a Turkish prison?
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Other

Talk Show Guest: They bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting in to. I say, let 'em crash!
Passenger: Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don' wan' no help, chump don' git no help. Jive ass dude don' got no brains anyhow.
Passenger: Oh... it's my stomach. I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.
News Reporter: All right boys... Let's get some pictures.....
Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.
Jacobs: Well, let's see... First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes, I couldn't believe it...
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Dialogue

Old Lady: Nervous?
Striker: Yes.
Old Lady: First time?
Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times.
Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow, we're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 18:00 hours. We're coming in from the North, below their radar.
Elaine: When will you be back?
Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.
Rumack: What flying experience have you had?
Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.
Everyone: It's an entirely different kind of flying.
Kramer: How's it handling?
Striker: Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Elaine: Ted! What are you doing here! You can't fly this plane!
Striker: That's what I've been trying to tell these people!
Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Capt. Clarence Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Tower: Tower Radio, clearance, over.
Oveur: That's 'Clarence Oveur', over.
Tower: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower: Roger, over.
Roger Murdock: What?
Capt. Oveur: Huh?
Murdock: Do you want me to check the weather, Clarence?
Capt. Oveur: No, why don't you take care of it.
Randy: Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit...
Striker: The cockpit... what is it?
Randy: It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important now.
Elaine: Would you like something to read?
Old Lady: Do you have anything light?
Elaine: Uhh... how about this leaflet, Famous Jewish Sports Legends?
Elaine: You got a telegram from headquarters today.
Striker: Headquarters? What is it?
Elaine: Well, it's a big building where generals meet. But that's not important right now.
Elaine: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as possible, we've got to get them to the hospital...
Striker: A hospital.. what is it?
Elaine: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
McCroskey: I want the best available man on this, a man who knows that plane inside and out and won't crack under pressure.
Johnny: How 'bout Mr. Rogers?
McCroskey: Mayday? What the hell does that mean?
Johnny: Mayday? Why that's the Russian New Year. You know, we'll have a big parade, we'll serve hot hors d'oevres...
McCroskey: [hands over a map on a piece of paper] Johnny, what can you make outta this?
Johnny: This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a pterodactyl...
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Capt. Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Capt. Oveur: No, I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Capt. Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine: Well, we had a choice, steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.
Rumack: Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face a few unpleasant facts?
Elaine: No.
Rumack: Alright. If we don't get this plane down soon, I can't even be sure of saving their lives.
Striker: Surely you can't be serious?!
Rumack: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!
Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can, and stop calling me Shirley.
Capt. Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Capt. Oveur: You ever... seen a grown man naked?
Male PA Announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.
Female PA Announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.
Male PA Announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a white zone.
Female PA Announcer: No, the white zone is for loading. Now, there is no stopping in a RED zone.
Male PA Announcer: The red zone has always been for loading.
Female PA Announcer: Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for unloading.
Male PA Announcer: Look Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. There's just no stopping in a white zone.
Female PA Announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
Male PA Announcer: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.
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Cast

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Taglines

  • What's slower than a speeding bullet, and able to hit tall buildings at a single bound?
  • Thank God it's Only a Motion Picture!
  • The craziest flight you'll ever take!
  • The Plane's going to Chicago. The Pilot's going to New York. The Passengers are going to Pieces!
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External links

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