Ally McBeal
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Ally McBeal
- There's no sin in loving men. Only pain!
- We're not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want.
- You only die once!
- When guys are persistent, it's romantic, they make movies about that. If it's a woman, then they cast Glenn Close.
- Law and love are the same - romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.
- I like being a mess. It's who I am.
- I've been dumped before, Renee. This isn't pain I'm feeling, it's nostalgia.
- I mean, with all due respect, you sort of walk around with uppity breasts, and the hair flips aren't the most subtle. And your perfume - you could be flammable. Now what if somebody shut you down as a safety hazard, how would you feel then?
- Here I am, the victim of my own choices. And I'm just starting.
- Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it.
- The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.
- Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines. If things don't change, I am bound to be arrested.
- [about Billy] He wants to have his cake and not eat me.
- Hi! I'm Ally McBeal, homewrecker. Here's my card.
- Wow... I have a boyfriend.
- [Watches Nelle Porter unpin her bun and shake out her long, beautiful blonde hair]
- It's official: I HATE her!
- Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.
- Sometimes... there's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain.
- The idea that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me when I'm going to bed at night, Even if I'm going to bed alone.
- Men are like gum anyway - after you chew they lose their flavor.
- Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction.
- Uh, let the record reflect that the deponent is a fat, arrogant, overweight, bald pig.
- Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones.
- Remember, when you're with me, it's the only time you're not the strangest person in the room. So go ahead, get weird with me.
- We're women. We have a double standard to live up to.
John "The Biscuit" Cage
- [about Santa Claus]
A fat man, trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney, and I taunt him with Oreos and whole milk.
- That's the trouble I suppose in coming at people with honesty, some times they counter with it.
- I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd.
- The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal.
- Frog Song[sung by John Cage in "Worlds Without Love"]
Green legs leaping.
Amphibial reaping.
Life zeal.
It's all in the keeping.
Be a frog.
Be a frog.
Be a frog.
Be a frog.
- If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted. (last episode of first season).
Richard Fish
- You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.
- [a judge has just denied his motion]
Let the record show: dammit.
- Is that the two cents? I'd be looking for change.
- Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!
- Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship.
- Helping others is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self interest.
- Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.
- "Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge.
- Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism.
- She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine.
- You know, I had a great aunt once who said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you
turn to stone. She was partially right.
- Fishism - Catchphrase
- [Talking to Margaret Camaro, butch lesbian sociologist]
Camaro. Isn't that a muscle car?
Elaine Vassal
- That was with all due respect?
- A lot of people forget what they're saying in a fit of rage, so I'll be happy to take the minutes.
- Sometimes she just *looks* snappish.
- Snappish!
- That was a snappish remark disguised in a soft tone.
- I'm sure she's quite stupid, and in time, gravity will get her.
- She's two-thirds of a Rice Krispie treat. She's already snapped, and crackled, and she's ready for the final pop.
- Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device I use to cope.
Ling Woo
- It's a problem being beautiful. It's only the handsome men that ask us out because they're the only ones who think they have a chance. And handsome men are dolts. Life is unfair to us. At some point we have to face the certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing - shopping.
- [on Elaine]
This woman drips with sarcasm at my personal expense.
- Nelle is like a sister; when she's in pain, I throw up!
- I'm rich. I only go into work to wear my outfits!
- I am really a very funny person.
- He's about to take a very long moment
- I hope he's not going to milk this...(After co-worker Billy announces he has a brain tumour)
Others
- Renée Radick: People think you're strange, you know. Just, just sit there and don't talk.
- [Ally's psychiatrist plays a tape of people laughing]
Dr. Tracy Clark: Sometimes when a patient says something so competely naive, I find that my own laughter just isn't enough.
- Nelle Porter: Ling, one of the disadvantages of having magnetism is that you bring people out, people that otherwise would go unnoticed. The fact that she can be so annoying is really a tribute to you!
- Georgia Thomas: At the end of the day, life is just this big wall of reality that we all crash into.
- Liza Bump: [to Nelle Porter] Do you talk, or do I have to pull a string?
Dialogue
- Judge Jennifer "Whipper" Cone: No, I don't think you're nuts, but I don't think that you have both feet on the ground either.
Ally McBeal: You mean some people do?
- Ally McBeal: You loved me.
Billy: Yeah. That's the truth. So much that sometimes, when we were apart, we used to keep an open phone line at night so while sleeping I could listen to your breath.
- Dr. Tracy Clark: You kissed him? You're a slut!
Ally McBeal: I... I am not! I am not a slut!
Dr. Tracy Clark: Oh, come on! Don't fool yourself!
- Ally McBeal: Where does she come up with these things?
Nelle Porter: Well, Ling wasn't editor of law review for nothing.
Ally McBeal: Ling went to Law School? Ling is a LAWYER?
- Ally McBeal: Love isn't always enough.
Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough and you realize it's everything.
- Nelle Porter: You having fun with this case?
Ling Woo: It's okay. I prefer being a plaintiff, but a defendant's nice too. I get a martyr glow.
- Ling Woo: So Jackson Duper, you don't tell a woman your real name?
Jackson Duper: Hey, for all I knew...
Ling Woo: You knew me well enough to go to bed with me.
Jackson Duper: Look...
Ling Woo: Why the alias? You wanted?
Jackson Duper: No.
Ling Woo: Certainly not by me.
Jackson Duper: Excellent. Do I get to talk
Ling Woo: Fine. Quick, think up something.
Jackson Duper: Look...
Ling Woo: We're back to look.
Jackson Duper: Hey...
Ling Woo: We're back to hey.
Jackson Duper: Ling...
Ling Woo: How do you know my real name? Oh that's right, I *gave* it to you. What an odd thing to do.
- [Ally is outraged when Ling convinces a dying boy that he could sue God]
Ling Woo: Do you know how his father died?
Ally McBeal: No. Do you?
Ling Woo: Yes, I overheard the nurses talking. He was crushed by a tree that was struck by lightning. THAT was an act of God, so we go after the Church, HOUSE of God. I need to pee.
- Elaine Vassal: In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing any underwear.
Ally McBeal: I won't be in that pinch.
- Georgia Thomas: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?
Ally McBeal: They're mine.
- Rabbi Stern: Are you always such a bitchy little thing?
Ally McBeal: Bitchy?
Rabbi Stern: Coming in here, insulting the Talmud, insulting me!
Ally McBeal: What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy?
Rabbi Stern: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Ally McBeal: 'Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy?
Rabbi Stern: Get out.
- John "The Biscuit" Cage: Have no fear, Nelle, that girl is a bagel!
Nelle Porter: Bagel?
John "The Biscuit" Cage: [pauses] I meant to say 'toast.'
- Ally McBeal: I am good in bed, Renee.
[Renee laughs]
Ally McBeal: What?
Renée Radick: Ally, I'm your roommate. We have thin walls, and you...
[Renee imitates small whining noises]
Ally McBeal: I don't sound like that.
Renée Radick: I make more noise breaking in a new shoe.
Ally McBeal: So how has it come to this? We're smart women, we're fairly attractive...
Renée Radick: I'm even hot.
- Greg: You kicked him?
Ally McBeal: I didn't know he was real; I thought he was pretend.
Greg: You only kick pretend people?
Ally McBeal: [pause] Yes.
- John "The Biscuit" Cage: I am an enigma.
Renée Radick: You're a cute little enigma.
- Renée Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally...
Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong?
Renée Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it.
Ally McBeal: Oh, okay.
Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.
- John "The Biscuit" Cage: Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents.
Richard Fish: Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan.
- Georgia Thomas: Well, by all means let's hear your opinion, Richard.
Richard Fish: Simple. Men and women. Friction.
Georgia Thomas: That's it? Friction?
Richard Fish: Friction, friction, friction, orgasm. Fishism. Are we going to dance or not?
- Billy: Why do therapists always have to talk about sex?
Dr. Hooper: What can I say, Freud was a perv.
- Ally McBeal: I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer.
Billy: Why don't you just watch the news?
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