American Dad!

From BillionQuotes

American Dad! is an animated U.S. television series, broadcasted since 2005.

Contents 1 Theme Song 2 Pilot 3 Threat Levels 4 Stan Knows Best 5 Francine's Flashback 6 Roger Codger 7 Homeland Insecurity 8 Deacon Stan, Jesus Man 9 Rough Trade 10 It's Good to be Queen

Theme Song

Good morning USA-

I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face,

and he's shining a salute to the American race.

Oh boy, it's swell to say-

Good morning USA!

(Good morning USA!)

Pilot

• Stan: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in someway in some point in time...so look sharp!
  Hayley: (sarcastically) You know, Dad, it's great how you and your CIA buddies have created a fun little system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
  Stan: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Do you? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country that's the first thing to go!
  (toast pops up and Stan empties the entire clip of his handgun on the toaster)
  Hayley: It's just toast, Dad.
  Stan: This time it was toast, Hayley. This time.
• Roger: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap!
• Stan: I'm a Republican, Roger. Fixing elections is my bread and butter. You know how many votes George Bush got in the first election? Seven.
• Hayley: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
  Stan: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
  Steve: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
  Stan: (Holding gun to her head) Pass him the salt.
• Stan: Hilary, look out for the mines! (Explosion) What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
  Steve: You said, "Look out for the mines."
  Stan: I said, "Look out for the mines."
• Steve: All periods will now be called Steves.
  (Shift to a classroom scene)
  Boy #1: (To another boy) Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
  Boy #2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
  Teacher: (To class) So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
  Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.
• Steve: This is it. I have absolute power. (Over intercom) Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot? (Man dressed in a buffalo costume comes in) Welcome, buffalo. As you must've heard, I have been elected student body President. As such, I can do anything I want... and I want to ride the buffalo! (Steve jumps on mascot's back) Woo hoo hoo!!
  Buffalo: MOOOO!!!! (Destroys everything in the office)
  Steve: Yes, yes! I'm riding the buffalo! (Buffalo falls, Steve gets off, Doris comes in) Now send in the lunch lady.
• Principal Lewis: Smith! What's the meaning of this?!
  Steve: Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuete 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premesis for the purpose of conducting school business."
  Principal Lewis: You can read! The school system works! (Dejectedly) I'll be back for my stuff.
• Roger: By the way, Haley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles Haley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, oh my God!
• Stan: (With gun, searching the house for an intruder) Osama? Is that you?
• Girl: Hey, I love your dog.
  Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
  Girl: Okay.
  Guy: And then we can play with this dog.

Threat Levels

• (Stan gets up from hot tub naked)
  Greg: Take a picture, why don't you?
  Terry: I was being polite. It'd be rude not to look.
• Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
  Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
  Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
  Woman: We're adopting.
• Hayley: Here's to mom. She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.
  Stan: Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?
• Steve: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
  Francine: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.
• Stan: I could have assassinated you!
  Francine: What?
  Stan: Nothing.
  
• Stan: What makes you think you're going to survive?
  Roger: My species is immune to all human ailments.
  Stan: So explain that cold sore.
  Roger: Mind your own business!

Stan Knows Best

• Hayley: No way!
  Stan: (Points gun at Hayley) Yes way!
  Francine: Stan!
  Stan: She started it!
• Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
  Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!
• Stan: These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our times. (pointing out the various wigs) The Nancy Reagan, the Barbara Bush, the Maria Shriver...(looks directly at the audience) Stay tuned.
• Jeff: I just hope one day, I, too, have a daughter who's as smart and wonderful as Hayley.
  Francine: Aww... isn't he sweet, Stan?
  Stan: He sure is. Next time I'm out of Jolly Ranchers, I'm just gonna suck on Jeff!
• Stan: (To clown) How much longer do I have you for?
  Clown: Two hours.
  Stan: Go read to my wife.
• Francine: Stan, maybe you'd feel better if we met this boy. Why don't we have him over for dinner so you can get to know him?
  Stan: That's brilliant, Francine. Now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea.
• (in a flashback, a younger Stan and Hayley are having dinner)
  Stan: Eat your peas, Hayley.
  Hayley: I don't want to!
  Stan: You have to if you want to be strong enough to fight off President Clinton's sexual advances. (knocks under the table) Oh, there he is, right outside!(Hayley begins eating her peas)
• Francine: (after finding Hayley's work schedule) Hayley's working at a booby bar?! And she traded shifts with Tina?! What does Tina have to do that's so important? Oh, wait, this isn't about Tina! (Gasps) This isn't about Tina! It's never been about Tina.
• Steve: (to his friends) Not only am I going to that dance, but I'll bet each of you 20 bucks that I also get boob.
  Snot: Bring back the bra to prove it?
  Steve: I'll do you one better -- I'll wear it back. No, actually, I'll just bring it back.
• Stan: How could you let Hayley do this?!
  Jeff: Do what?
  Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Ho's, her Ding Dong's, her Suzie Q's, her... her... uh... aw, God, what... what are those called... ? Those little, uh... pink with coconut... ? They're really good...
  Jeff: Her Sno Balls?
  Stan: You bastard!
• Francine:(after reading Hayley's schedule) Hayley's working at a strip joint! And she traded shifts with Tina?! What does Tina have to do that's so important? WAIT this isn't about TINA! THIS ISN'T ABOUT TINA!!! It's never been about Tina...

Francine's Flashback

• Bullock: Reverse memory erasing? Now that would be science fiction.
• Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
  Stan: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other! (pause) Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.
• Stan: (talking about euthanising a racoon) She said it was the most compassionate thing she'd ever seen...And I got to kill something. It was a magical moment.
• Bill Pullman: Hello, I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You may not remember from movies such as While You were Sleeping and Twister. Wait, was I in Twister? No that was Bill Paxton. (further stuff) Thank you. I'm Bill Pullman. Wait, I was also in Independ... (TV turns off)
  Stan: Jeff Daniels is right.
• Roger:(after knocking out two girls with a frying pan)Did you see where they went?
  Steve: Who?
  Roger:The black guys who did this.

Roger Codger

• Stan: (after electrocuting terrorists) I just made a killing in the shock market!
• Roger: Can't a guy go into a stress induced hibernation without getting thrown in a landfill?
• Old lady: (spitting at the Lincoln Memorial) That's for freein' the slaves, ya negro-lovin' hick!
• Klaus: Now here's your allowance: five bubbles. (blows five bubbles) Ah, what the hell - six bubbles. (blows another bubble) Don't tell your mother.
• Stan: Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.
  Hayley: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
• Roger: Hey, Hayley, got a minute?
  Hayley: Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?
  Roger: Oh, right, it's after twelve you're probably high. Let me talk to the fish.

Homeland Insecurity

• Stan: (after his car runs out of gas) Stupid gas-guzzler, that I as an American have every right to drive.
• Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
  Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
  Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
• Stan: Bring Anything! Except Smallpox! I'm just joking of course but not really!
• Stan: If you ever get captured and are on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this (blinks quickly as an example) and I'll bomb your location.
  Steve: But I'd be dead.
  Stan: Oh, c'mon sport, there's lots of kids in heaven. Your cousin Billy, that girl from Poltergeist. She must be sixteen by now. You could totally hit that.
• Stan: Hayley! The neighborhood! What are you two doing here?
• Stan: (to Francine) Why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?

Deacon Stan, Jesus Man

• Stan: There is one person I would like to thank... (Francine stands up) Karl Rove! Karl, come up here.
  (Karl moves into the church doorway and he begins to emit smoke, screaming in pain. He then stands back.)
  Karl: I'm good here. My work is done! (transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off)
• Steve: What am I gonna do?!
  Hayley: Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.
  Stan: Not in this house he doesn't. We're Conservatives and the one way we don't like to kill things is that way.
• Steve: (After holding hands with Betsy) I touched her hand... her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob! Algebra's awesome!
• Stan: It's a bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

Rough Trade

• Klaus: If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's G-string.
• [Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
  Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
  Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
  [later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
  Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
  Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
  Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!
• Stan [alone in the attic]: Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupidheads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]

It's Good to be Queen

• Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
  Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
  Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
• Mitch: A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough...of life.
• Roger (sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch): This is gonna be totally life changing. (cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house) That was totally life changing!

---

---