Red Dwarf

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Red Dwarf (1988-1999) is a television show set on a fictional mining spaceship, the title Red Dwarf, three million years after radiation killed most of the crew. The characters are Holly, the computer; Dave Lister, the only human survivor, whom Holly released from stasis; Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of Lister's former superior; The Cat, the last of a race of humanoids evolved from Lister's cat; and characters encounted later in the series.

Unless otherwise noted, these quotes are from show creators Rob Grant and/or Doug Naylor.

Contents

[edit]

Season One

[edit]

"The End"

Rimmer: Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
Lister: No, it's a Chicken.
Lister: You see I try and respect Rimmer sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect and everything, but it's not easy because he's such a smeghead.
Rimmer: Did you hear that sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.
Lister, tasting some powder: What's all this white powder Hol? Why's it so dirty in here?
Holly: That is catering officer Olaf Petersen.
Lister: Bleugh! I've been eating half the crew.
The Cat: Hey, you monkeys eat off the floor?! Ain't you got no style or sophisication?
Lister: Oh I'm sorry Cat, I'm sorry.
The Cat: You guys are unbelievable! starts to lap up his krispies.
[edit]

"Future Echoes"

Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
Lister: Holly! Is everyone all right?
Holly: No. I'm not. I thought I could navigate at lightspeed, but I just can't wrap me head round it. (Looking suddenly to one side) Gordon Bennett, that was a close one!
Lister: Holly, what's the problem? You're supposed to have an IQ of 6000, aren't you?
Holly: Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light. That means, by the time we see something, we've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown trousers time.
[edit]

"Balance of Power"

Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! Where did you get them? I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.
Vending Machine: Hello how can I help you?
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: I will.
[Later]
Cat: Ohhh! I'm gonna die! I've been fished to death!
[edit]

"Waiting For God"

[Dave Lister's confidential crew report]
Holly: David Lister, technician, third class. Captain's remarks: has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after 5 years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: Zero.
[Arnold Rimmer's confidential crew report]
Holly: Captain's remarks: There's a saying amongst the officers: "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer". He aches for responsibility, but constantly fails the engineering exam. Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical.
[edit]

"Confidence and Paranoia"

Cat: Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.


Cat, sings: S-E-X, you know I want it! Yeah! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! [Cat finds Lister unconcious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!


Cat: (Rollerskating through the ship with roses in one hand and a megaphone in the other) Attention all lady cats, I am feeling very sexy today!

(Later)

Lister: Cat! What are you doing?
Cat: (In a very "proper" voice) I'm courting.
Lister: Courting who?
Cat: Well, whoever happens to come along!
Lister: Cat, there're no women on board!
Cat: Now, if I believed THAT for one second, I'd go crazy! (continues "courting")


Confidence: Another great idea from the people who brought you beeeeer milkshakes!
[edit]

"Me²"

Rimmer: (To LISTER) Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.
Rimmer #2: (Shouting through the wall) SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!
Rimmer: (Getting up) Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?
[He walks calmly to the door.]
Rimmer: STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!!!
[edit]

Season Two

[edit]

"Kryten"

Lister: Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years. How come you're so utterly useless?
Rimmer: Oh, it speaks! And how many books have you read in your entire life? The same number as Champion the Wonder Horse: zero!
Lister: I've read books.
Rimmer: Uh, Lister, we're not talking about books where the main character is a dog called "Ben."
Lister: I went to Art College!
Rimmer: You?
Lister: Yeah!
Rimmer: How did you get into Art College?
Lister: The normal way you get into Art College. The same old, usual, normal, boring way you get in. Failed me exams and applied. They snapped me up.
Lister: Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.
Rimmer: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Lister, just because they're aliens doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boy's room, although they probably do something wierd, and alienesque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: Well, I wouldn't want to sit behind one at the cinema!
Holly: No, they're from Earth. I hope they've got some spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister, staring at his cup of tea: Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?!
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?
Kryten: Well, is anything the matter?
Rimmer: Anything the matter?? They're dead.
Kryten: Who's dead?
Rimmer, pointing at three skeletons: They are dead. They're all dead.
Kryten: My God!... I was only away two minutes!
Rimmer: They've been dead for centuries!
Kryten: No!
Rimmer: Yes!
Kryten: Are you a doctor?
Rimmer: You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! (The "Mc" in "McNugget" was edited out for the DVD release)
Kryten: Well, what am I going to do?
Lister: I think the first thing we should do is bury them.
Kryten: You're that sure they're dead?
Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it, yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"
[edit]

"Better Than Life"

Rimmer: Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.
Cat: I'm so hungry I have to eat!
Lister: Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I prefer chicken.
Lister: Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?
Rimmer: What, just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

(Outland Revenue always collects its taxes)

[edit]

"Thanks for the Memory"

Lister: Do you know what I fancy right now?
Rimmer: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's.
Lister: No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chili sauce and chutney.
[edit]

"Stasis Leak"

Cat (to Rimmer): What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat (to Lister): What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat (to Rimmer): What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat (to Lister): What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
[edit]

"Queeg"

Holly: Oy!
All: Oh, go away.
Holly: That's done it. I forgot what I was going to say.
Rimmer: Can't have been that important then can it?
(a loud bang is heard)
Holly: Oh, that's right. A meteor's about to hit the ship.
Holly, After being insulted about his IQ: 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
[edit]

"Parallel Universe"

Rimmer: The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch.
[edit]

Season Three

[edit]

"Backwards"

Cat: They're gone, buddy. But look at the bright side -- they're gone, buddy!
Cat: Is that what I think it is?!
Lister: What do you think it is?
Cat: A big orange swirly thing in space!
Cat: Are you kidding? We can't go in there!
Lister: Why not?
Cat: Orange with this suit?
Kryten, reading a newspaper printed backwards: Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a South London bank tomorrow. The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept ten thousand pounds, which he demanded they place in the banks vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a 15-year prison sentence for the crime two years ago.
Rimmer: There's nothing we can do till the others find us. We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?
Kryten: Here's the Jobs page. This looks interesting. "Wanted: Managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects, right candidate could go straight to the bottom."
Rimmer: Something more low-key.
Kryten: "Busy London restaraunt requires dish dirtier."?
Rimmer: I'm telling you, things are better this way. It's our universe that's the wrong way round.
Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here. In 50 years time the second World War will start. Backwards.
Cat: And that's a good thing?
Kryten: Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich and bog off back to Austria
Kryten: There's no crime. The first night we were here a mugger jumped us and forced fifty pounds into my wallet at knifepoint!
Lister: Ok, ok, but look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say, St. Francis of Assissi. In this universe he's just a petty-minded little sadist who goes round maiming small animals. Or Santa Claus, what a bastard!
Rimmer: Eh?
Lister: He's the big fat git that who sneaks down people's chimneys and steals all the kids favourite toys.
[edit]

"Marooned"

Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, your basic space colour is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: He told me that, in a previous incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
Lister: You know what, I believe you.
Lister,after eating dog food,:Now I know why dogs lick their testicles...it's to get rid of the taste of their food.
Rimmer: Twelve? You lost your virginity when you were twelve? (thinks about this) You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.
[edit]

"Polymorph"

Rimmer: Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table and put together a solution package - perhaps over tea and biscuits.
Rimmer: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is 'What are we gonna call ourselves?' Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between 'The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is 'The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is 'CLITORIS'.
Rimmer: The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard, and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.

(After he loses his anger to the polymorph)

Rimmer's Shirt (After he loses his anger to the polymorph): Give quiche a chance
[edit]

"Bodyswap"

Rimmer: Have you ever in dissection class held up a frog by its head? You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
[Cat and Lister are playing Scrabble.]
Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!
Lister: That's not a word.
Cat: It's a Cat word.
Lister: What does it mean?
Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick.
[edit]

"Timeslides"

Kryten: We could go back to Dallas in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll, and shout 'Duck!'.
Lister (pointing at Hitler): Ignore him! He's a complete and total nutter! AND he's only got one testicle!
Rimmer: Kryten! Unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm alive!
[edit]

"The Last Day"

Kryten: Is this the human value you call 'friendship'?
Lister: Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.
Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space. Could someone explain to me, where the smeg I got this traffic cone! (After a night of heavy drinking)
[edit]

Season Four

[edit]

"Camille"

Kryten: Has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?
Camille: Wow, you really know all the lines, don't you?
Kryten: Sir, you're a smeeee.
Rimmer: A smee?
Kryten: A smeeeeee heeeeee.
Rimmer: A smeee heee?
Kryten: A complete and total one.
Camille: Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility, on the basis of a primary initial ident?
Kryten: You mean, what the humans call love at first sight?
Camille: That would be an adequate synonym yes.
Kryten: Well, up until a few moments I would have said it to have a probability of zero squared!
[edit]

"D.N.A."

Spare Head 1: Where have you been for the past four days?
Kryten,(in human form): Hey I've been busy!
Sparehead 3,(with a Lancastrian accent): Aye, busy swanking around with 'is new central nervous system, 'is poncey new eight valve 'eart, lah-de-dahing with all 'is new fancy 'uman friends!
Kryten: Oh Spare Head 3, what do you know about anything?
Spare Head 3: Ooh hark at 'im, ordering 'is own heads about. I may be 30,000 years old, and me circuit boards may have gone bandy, but I'll tell yer this for nowt! Yer came inteh this wurld as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid yeh'll always be!
Kryten: I don't have to take this from you, I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head!
Spare Head 2, shocked: KRYTEN, I don't believe you've just said that!
Kryten: I don't know why I came here. What a waste of time!
Spare Head 1: I think you should go now Kryten, there's nothing more to say!
Spare Head 3: Aye, go on, sling yer bloody hook, gerroutavit, bugger off!
Kryten, And what about you, Spare Hand 1, how do you feel?
[Spare Hand 1 gives the "V" sign.]
Lister: Kryten, no vacuum cleaner should be giving a human being a double polaroid!
[edit]

"Justice"

Kryten: Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank!
[The characters are watching Rimmer's holiday snaps.]
Kryten: Can we take a quick break, sir? It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.
Rimmer: Well, we're not going to get through them all if we take another break.
Kryten: Sir, that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Kryten: I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man (Points at Rimmer) ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awsome stupidity...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awsome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel.
[edit]

"White Hole"

[The characters are talking about how to go back to the bridge through closed doors.]
Cat: I've got it. We laser our way through.
Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers and two, we don't have any lasers.
Cat: I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
Cat: No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.
Kryten: Stop. Can anyone hear anything?
Lister: No...
Kryten: Precisely. Nobody can hear anything. And do you know why we can't hear anything?
Rimmer: Why?
Kryten: (in a spooky voice) Because there are nooooo sounds to heeeaaarrrr
[edit]

"Dimension Jump"

[This line is repeated.]
Ace: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Lister: I have a mind to fill your boots with runny porridge again. That'll teach you a lesson about maturity.
Rimmer: Ah yes, but Rimmer directive #193 states just as clearly: Not a chance you metal bastard.
[edit]

"Meltdown"

Cat: As soon as they see me they'll only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers and I'll sing like Tweetie Pie.
Lister: Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis -- they're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looks like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon. Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.
Cat: What are they doing?.
Lister: Well, just lining up in ... in some kind of firing squad. Woah Woah! Hang on, hang on. Someone's being brought out, they're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.
Cat: What?
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear! He's refusing the blindfold.
Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to a stake?
[Sound fx of gun shots. Lister looks shattered.]
Lister: That's something no one should ever have to see.
[edit]

Season Five

[edit]

"Holoship"

Cat: What are we waiting for, why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: An excellent plan, sir, with only two minor drawbacks: One, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I know technically speaking that's only one drawback, but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.
Nirvana: What do you do when you want to have sex?
Rimmer: We... go for runs? Watch gardening videos on the ship's vid?
Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women twice daily, on demand. Now, am I the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? (He looks round. The Cat and Lister are frozen in contemplation) Well, quite clearly, I am.
[Rimmer is teleported away.]
Kryten, half-heartedly: Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer.
Kryten, realising he should be more urgent: Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!
Rimmer: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say ... that over the years, ... I have come to regard you ... as ... people ... I met.
Rimmer: Just thinking. Assuming of course we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects in a basic Euclidean geometric universe and given the essential premise that all geo-mathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two, and not as {Astemeyer} correctly postulates that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts, (Loudly breathes out through his nose.) the theoretical shape described by {Siddus} must theroefore be a poly-dri-doc-deca-wee-hedron-a-hexa-sexa-hedro-adicon-a-di-bi-dolly-he-deca-dodron. (Loudly breathes out through his nose again.)Everything else is poppycock. Isn't that so?
Lister: (Incredulous) Rimmer?
[edit]

"Inquisitor"

Lister: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.
Kryten: No plan, sir. No sleeves.
Lister: You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan's switchboard and four people commited suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters 'Arnold Rimmer BSc' and the BSc stands for 'Bronze Swimming Certificate'. You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
Cat: You gotta admit, bud, he's got a handle on you there.
Rimmer: B...but how will I know I'll get a fair hearing
Inquisitor: Because like all who stand before the Inquisitor your judge shall be.....
(The Inqusitor raises his helmet to reveal an exact copy of Arnold Rimmer)
Inquisitor (as Rimmer): Yourself.
Rimmer: Oh smeg!
Inquisitor (as Rimmer): Oh smeg indeed matey!
Inquisitor (as the Cat): I have to ask you the question. Justify your existence. What contribution have you made?
Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
Inquisitor (as the Cat): Well, that's true.
Cat: Can I go now?
Inquisitor (as the Cat): That's your case?
Cat: You need more?
Inquisitor: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass!
[edit]

"Terrorform"

Kryten, into Microphone: Kryten personal black box recording. Time - Unknown. Location - Unknown. Cause of accident - Unknown. Should someone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here.
Kryten, to Lister: I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open.
Cat: You're right, he really isn't dead. I owe you 20.
Cat: This sounds like a 12-change-of-underwear trip.
Cat: Ok. I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and junior birdman the hell out of here!
Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial 'Robbie Rocket Pants'.
Cat: Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.
Rimmer: I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?
Kryten: Would you like the list sir?
Rimmer: What list?!
Kryten: Well, there was the fact you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards. The fact your 3 brothers were all such high-flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines. There's your inability to form long term relationships with anyone, your cowardliness, your lack of charm, honour or grace and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life nobody has ever truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
[There is a short pause.]
Rimmer: Oh, that.
Kryten: Please don't interrupt, sir, I'm only half-way through my list.
Rimmer: This "Master" character, and I acknowledge that I may not want to know the full answer to this one, but why does he want me oily in particular? Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?
Scantily clad woman: He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity.
Rimmer: Not the best news but it could have been worse.
Rimmer: Just to fill you in, there's been a gigantic administrative cock-up. Somehow, some of your staff have mistaken me for a virgin.
The Unspeakable One: Stop your putrid whining, you dank tuft of rectal public hair!
Rimmer: Sorry, yes, I do tend to jabber on a bit when I'm nervous.
[edit]

"Quarantine"

Lister: We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?
Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
Rimmer: Anyway, must dasherooni. I've got to organise your daily provision of musical entertainment. I think you're going to like it. It's a perpetually looped tape of "Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats".
[This is after the others have revealed a plan to outwit Rimmer and thus escape from quarantine.]
Rimmer, impassive and quietly sinister: Gentlemen. Your conversation makes interesting listening.
Lister: Rimmer? Is that you? How long have you been listening?
Rimmer: Two, maybe three hours.
Lister: Well, we've been here five days now.
Kryten: You have to re-screen us, as per Space Corps Directive 5-9-5.
Lister, confident: No one's got any virus, and no one's smegging nuts.
Rimmer: Well, that's good.
[Rimmer appears, wearing a red and white checked gingham dress. And army boots. He glares at them, clearly insane]
Rimmer: Is something amiss?
Lister, horrified: Amiss? God, no. What could possibly be amiss?
Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?
The Cat: Well, of course not. It's just that we thought you'd gone nuts. We were trying to humour you.
Rimmer: I was just doing a little test... a little test to see if you'd gone crazy...
[Rimmer bellows, loudly and crazily.]
Rimmer: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people...
Rimmer: So... let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people and you're telling me you're completely sane?
Lister: Kryten! Are you ok man?
Kryten: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
Rimmer: What should we do with them Mr. Flibble?

(Mr. Flibble whispers in Rimmer's ear)

Rimmer: We can't possibly do that! Who'd clear up the mess?
[edit]

"Demons & Angels"

Lister: I'll tell you one thing, I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
Low Rimmer: I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life...and then...I'm going to have you.
High Lister: Forgive me brother, I appear to have stained thy knife-end with my blood. A thousand apologies.
High Rimmer: Brother, permit me to furnish thee with a fresh knife.
[edit]

"Back to Reality"

Kryten: Question which occurs, if this ocean is supposed to be teaming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
Lister: What are you implying?
Kryten: No implication intended sir.
Lister: Yes there is. You're saying there's some huge damed fish out there aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.
Kryten: That's one option.
Lister: Any alternatives?
Kryten: None that occur.
Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself? ......... why am I even asking that question?
Rimmer: [after seeing the dispair squid on the radar scanning them] This venom, are we safe in here?
Lister: It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison we're a sardine tin.
[...]
Rimmer: It's coming straight for us.
Lister: There's only three alternatives, it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel or we scarper pronto.
Cat: To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the moring!
Rimmer: I'm not a hologram.
Kryten: I'm half-human.
Duane: And what the hell's happened to my teeth? I can open beer bottles with my overbite!
Duane: So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth the druids could use as a place of worship?
Rimmer / Billy Doyle: On the other hand, Mr. Bullet, 'cybernautics' could be in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name.

(later)

Kryten: Bullet, cybernautics.
Man: That's traffic control.
Rimmer / Billy Doyle: William Doyle, good old Bill Doyle, you know that sounds like a hell of good name to me. Probably connected to the Boston-Doyles, old money, blue-chip stock you know I think it's all beginning to come back to me now.
Lister / Sebastian Doyle: What puzzels me slightly is why a man of such undoublted good breeding would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly male yak has taken a leak in both the pockets.
Rimmer / Billy Doyle: Isn't it obvious?
Kryten / Jake Bullet: No, it isn't.
Rimmer / Billy Doyle: Oh my god, my name's Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine.
[Signs in the fascist dystopia the Red Dwarf crew have found themselves in]
Lister:"Vote fascist for a third glorious decade in total law-enforcement"?
Kryten: "Become a government informer. Betray your family and friends. Fabulous prizes to be won"?!
Rimmer: This is a nightmare, I'm on the run from the facist police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. I'm some kinda flotsam jetsome, human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a yak latrine and now my best flashy mac is about to get splattered with an android's brain.... I'm after you with the gun.
Kryten: The Cat lost his cool - and for him, life lost all meaning, as he is so mind-meltingly shallow.
The Cat: That's right. 'Superficial' is my middle name.
The Cat: [Grinning] I'm not Duane Dibbley?
Kryten: No.
Rimmer: I am Rimmer?
Kryten: I'm afraid so, sir.
[edit]

Season Six

[edit]

"Psirens"

Kryten: Starbug was built to last sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81.
[Starbug is threatened by a giant rogue asteroid that could be a mere illusion.]
Kryten: Suggest we maintain course. That asteroid does not exist.
Rimmer: Suppose you're wrong?
Kryten: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.
Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
Kryten: No, sir, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.
[The illusion of an asteroid has passes harmlessly through Starbug.]
Kryten: Ah. Smug mode. Well, I can't stand around saving your necks all day. I guess I'll get a start on that ironing.
[edit]

"Legion"

Rimmer: Step up to red alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?
Legion: The light switch.
Rimmer: Ah, I couldn't buy it then?
Legion: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off.
Cat: The entire panel's deader than A-Line flares with pockets in the knees!
Rimmer: May I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124.
Kryten: 34124? No Officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.
Lister: It's still with us, it's some kind of heat-seaker, we can't out run it!
Cat: That's it, we're deader than tank tops!
[edit]

"Gunmen of the Apocalypse"

Rimmer (to Cat): Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.
Rimmer: I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy.
(Rimmer steps up to the bar)
Rimmer: Dry white wine and Perrier, please.
Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.
Rimmer: Ah, Mr. War, sir. There appears to have been a bit of a cock-up in the bravado department. I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I am.
Death Apocalypse: We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew.
Rimmer: You can't frighten me! I'm a coward! I'm always scared!
[After the others have managed to escape the game / hallucination]
Death Apocalypse: Well, sheriff. Looks like it's just little old you.
Kryten: [normal, polite tones] I'm not afraid, Mr. Death, sir. I believe my friends have bought me enough time to complete the Dove program. Now, if you'll forgive the rather confrontational imperative... [western growl] Go for yer guns, ya scum-sucking molluscs!!
Rimmer: How long will the antidote take?
Kryten: Just a few seconds. How long have we got?
Rimmer: Just a few seconds!
Cat: We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting.
Rimmer: No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero, and your plan makes about as much sense.

[Last line - after blasting heroically out of a planet covered in lava]

All: Yeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaa'!!!!
[edit]

"Emohawk: Polymorph II"

Cat: Look what it did to me! It's turned me into Duane Dibbley - the Duke of Dork.
Kryten: And you, Cat? Would you like to stay as Duane?
Duane: Suck my thermos! I hate being the Prince of Dorkness!
[edit]

"Rimmerworld"

Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer, sir.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: Mr. Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder.
Lister: Next time I see him he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder.
Rimmer: The only lifeforms the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible.
Rimmer: Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.
Cat: There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles!
Kryten: That was an important statement, sir, and it needed to be made. However, might I suggest that the rest of this discourse be conducted by those with brains larger than a grape?
Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
[edit]

"Out of Time"

[The characters discover their unsavoury natures - and friends - of the future Red Dwarf crew.]
Future Cat: I think they're our favourite hosts - if you don't count the Hitlers.
Kryten: The who?!
Future Rimmer: You must understand, we're epicures now, and naturally we want to experience the best of everything. It's just a bit unfortunate that the best things tend to be in the hands of those you'd call a bit dodgy. [Chuckles]
Kryten: Hermann Goering was 'a bit dodgy'?!?!

(While being attacked by their future selves)

Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded, we wouldn't stand a chance.
Rimmer: Then I say fight!
Kryten: Mr Rimmer?!
Rimmer: Better dead than smeg.
Lister: Cat?
Cat: Better dead than sofa sized butt.
Lister: Yeah! Kryten?
Kryten: Better anything than that toupee!
[edit]

Season Seven

[edit]

"Tikka To Ride"

Kryten: Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flight magazine produced by Air Belgium.
Rimmer: Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?
Kryten: Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard."
Cat: How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!
Cat: I thought you said he was a good prez?"
Kryten: He was."
Rimmer: He was also an inveterate womaniser. His affairs were legendary, they never came out while he was alive."
Kryten: Every man has his weak spot, his "Achilles Heel"."
Rimmer: Kennedy's was just......higher up."
[edit]

"Stoke Me a Clipper"

Rimmer: According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough.
Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.
Ace: There'll be time for introductions later, and hopefully, some sex.
Rimmer: (being Ace) Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.
[edit]

"Ouroboros"

(Just after Lister has saved Kochanski by firing a crossbow through her leg)

Kryten: (To Lister) "It's an obscene phone call sir. It's for you."
[edit]

"Duct Soup"

Kochanski: How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?
Kochanski: (sobbing): I mean, I've tried to fit in, I really tried....I even tried learning what offside was!
[edit]

"Blue"

Lister: I feel sick.
Kryten: I'm sorry, sir. It is a bit bumpy.
Lister: No, it's what I'm seeing that's making me sick!
Lister (after going through "The Rimmer Experience"): I never want to see or hear from the scum-sucking, lying, weasel-minded smeg-head in my entire life!
Kryten: Sigmund Freud — eat your heart out.
[edit]

"Beyond A Joke"

Kochanski: Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think?
Cat: 'Cat do this!' 'Cat do that!' What am I? A dog?
Lister, to Kryten, who is carrying Able's dead body from the escape pod: Do you need some help with that?
Kryten: He ain't heavy sir, He's my brother...
[edit]

"Epideme"

[The characters discuss a plan to remove his arm to save his life.]
Lister': Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than 'can I hack off your limb'?
Kryten: The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.
Lister: And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.
Kochanski: He's awake!
Lister: My *left* arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right?!
[edit]

"Nanarchy"

(Discovering that the rebuilt Red Dwarf is about a hundred times bigger than it should be)

Cat: Guys... we got a problem!
[edit]

Season Eight

[edit]

"Back in the Red" part 1

Cat: I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!
Cat: Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!
Kryten: There's no such thing as a brown alert sir.
Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you!
Lister: Hey guys, look at me body.
Cat: Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.
[edit]

"Back in the Red" part 2

[edit]

"Back in the Red" part 3

[edit]

"Cassandra"

Lister (about their two year prison sentence): It's only two years; what, with good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
Rimmer: So what happens now? How... (sighs) how do I die?
Cassandra: Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
Rimmer: [Slowly becomes stunned] Can you just double-check that?
Cassandra: I've seen it. It's what happens -- in the old laundry room.
Rimmer: So let me repeat what I think you're saying. Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her are in bed giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love to Kochanski.
Cassandra: That is what's going to happen.
Rimmer: FANTASTIC!
Kochanski: This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory.
[edit]

"Krytie TV"

[edit]

"Pete" part 1

[edit]

"Pete" part 2

Birdman: (To T-Rex) Want some seed?... (In T-Rex's Mouth) That's a no is it?
[edit]

"Only the Good"

Grim Reaper: Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and...
[Rimmer gets up]
Rimmer: Not today, Matey!
[Knees the Grim Reaper in the groin]
Rimmer: Remember, only the good die young!
Grim Reaper: (Gasping for breath) That's... never happened before.
[edit]

Lyrics

Its cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone, more or less.
Let me fly, far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comotose,
Drinking fresh mango juice.
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
(Extended version)
I'll pack my bags and head into hyperspace,
Velocity at time-warp speed.
Spend my days in ultraviolet rays,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
We're locked on course straight through the universe,
You and me, and the galaxy.
Reached this stage, the hyperdrive's engaged, (Reached this stage, this hyperpathic age)
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.

- Theme song, by Howard Goodall

[edit]

Lyrics to the Rimmer Song


If you're in trouble, he will save the day
Is brave and fearless, come what may
Without him the mission would go astray
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
Without him life would be much grimmer
He's handsome, trim and no one's slimmer
He'll never need a Zimmer!

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
More reliable than a garden strimmer
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer!

Master of wit and the repartee
His command of space directives is uncanny
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
He's also a fantastic swimmer
And if you play your cards right, then he just might
Come round for dinner!

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
No rhymes left now apart from quimmer!
We hope they fade us out before we get to schwimmer!
Fade out you stupid plimmer!

(The last verse was cut from the broadcast edition)


- The 'Indling' Song

Our love, I tried to, kindle
Like firelight it, dwindled
Now I wonder if this, wind'll
ever stop.


The Om Song: Ommmm Ommmm Ommmm Ommmm (repeat)

[edit]

External Links

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