Arrested Development

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Arrested Development is a character-driven comedy television series about a wealthy but dysfunctional family. The show is presented like a documentary, complete with narration, archival photos, and historical footage. Set in Balboa Island, California, it is filmed on location in the city and the surrounding area.

Contents

[edit]

Season 1

[edit]

Pilot [1.1]

Gob: You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show.
Michael: Oh, that's perfect, Gob.
Gob: Thank you.
Michael: Or, wait a minute. I just remembered something — Dad's retiring, not turning six.
Michael: So .. this is the magic trick, huh?
Gob: "Illusion," Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. [Michael points out that a bunch of kids are staring at Gob with their mouths open] ... Or candy! *NOTE...in the 'Extended Pilot' version of this episode (available on the Season One DVD), Gob replaces "candy" with "cocaine."
Michael: Maybe you'll be inspired by the boat party tonight and start a career as a pirate.
Tobias: I haven't packed for that.
Narrator: Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals.
George Sr.: They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime.
Michael: Yeah, I don't think that that's true, dad.
George Sr.: I've got the worst [bleeping] attorneys.
Lucille: Look what the homosexuals have done to me!
Michael: You can’t just comb that out and reset it?
Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!
Lindsay: Good grief, Mother! Not all homosexuals are flamboy... Oh, my God, I have the exact same blouse.
Lucille: I like it better on him.
Michael: What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael: Breakfast.
Michael: Family.
George Michael: Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.
Maeby: Um, yeah, I bought a frozen banana, and when I bit into it, I found this.
George Michael: It looks like a foot.
Maeby: It tasted like a foot. Which I didn't really mind, but I'm pretty sure I said "no nuts."
[Lindsay is talking about her Anti-Circumcision Charity "HOOP: Hands off our Penises"]
Lindsay: I think it looks frightening when it's cut off. It's a Doberman -— let it have its ears. Believe it or not, we brought in over $40,000.
Michael: Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make ten new boys.
George Sr.: I don't have time for your magic tricks.
Gob: Illusions, Dad! You don't have time for my illusions!
Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account.
[All gasping.]
Michael: Interesting. I would’ve expected that after “They’re keeping Dad in jail.”
Lucille: And I’m putting Buster in charge.
Gob: He’s a good choice.
Michael: Buster? The guy who thought that the blue on the map was land?
Lucille: He's had business classes.
Buster: W-w-w-wait. Eighteenth-century agrarian business. But I guess it's all the same principles. Lemme ask you: Are you at all concerned about an uprising?
Lucille: I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.
Narrator: And so the family staged an intervention.
Michael: I’m sorry, what exactly is this intervention for?
Lucille: We need you to come back and run the business.
Michael: Oh, okay. Well, then, so, technically it’s not really an intervention. It’s a little bit more of an imposition, if you think about it.
Lindsay: Oh, whatever you want to call it.
Michael: I’d love to call it an imposition.
[edit]

Top Banana [1.2]

Michael: You know something, Lindsay, you might want to start thinking about the example you’re setting for your daughter, unless you want her to end up just like you.
Maeby: Yeah, shoot me when that happens.
Michael: Well you certainly haven't been shopping, all I found in the refrigerator was a dead dove in a bag...
Gob: You didn't eat that did you? 'Cause I only got a couple of days left to return it.
George Sr.: ...this is my vacation, Michael.
Michael: You're doing time, dad.
George Sr.: I'm doing the time... of my life!
George Sr.: I am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich.
Lucille: [on the phone]) Then why don't you marry an ice cream sandwich?
Michael: So, Mom, I'm trying to find...
Lucille: I don't know where they are.
Michael: ...these flight records. You know, it's really more believable if you let me finish.
Fireman: Somebody wanted this place to go.
Michael: Yeah? What do you mean, arson?
Fireman: Oh, definitely the work of a flamer.
Lucille: [To the maid] Luz, that coat cost more than your house. [Lucille looks at Michael] That's how we joke. She doesn't even have a house.
Lucille: [Regarding Gob] Make him feel special.
Michael: But he’s not special, Mother.
Lucille: No. But he loves you. We all love you.
Lucille: You gave him a letter to mail.
Michael: And don’t tell me that was too much for him?
Lucille: No, Michael, he mailed the letter. That’s not the point.
Narrator: GOB had not mailed the letter, but in and act of defiance, dramatically hurled the letter into the sea. (Shot of GOB repeatedly throwing the letter towards the ocean, only to have the winds knock it down each time) This proved a more difficult dramatic gesture than he’d anticipated.
Lindsay: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay: Ah, that's funny. Because I was going to say, you might want to lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol.
Lucille: Mine was better.
Gob: I should be in charge. I’m the older brother.
Michael: Do you even want to be in charge?
Gob: No... but I’d like to be asked!
[edit]

Bringing Up Buster [1.3]

[Michael leans on the Corn Baller]
Michael: Mother of God! Ohh....Every damn time! aww...this is a big one...
Michael: I gotta say, buddy, I'm in pretty good shape! You could be eating my dust all day long!
Buster: Well, you might -- [long extended BLEEP with Buster pointing excitedly])
Michael: Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
Buster: It's like she gets off by being withholding.
Gob: Look whose got something to say.
Buster: I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I can feel good about myself. 'Cause I'm an uptight -- BLEEP -- Buster -- You old horny slut!
Michael: Well, no one's gonna top that.
George Sr.: [regarding Buster]) Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her ‘miracle baby'. And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So ... he turned out a little soft, you know ...
Gob: And if I'm going to be staying here -—
Lucille: Staying here? What, did that Mexican throw you out?
Gob: She's not "that Mexican," Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. Anyway, it's over.
Lucille: You've got three days.
Gob: Hey ... if I can't find a horny immigrant by then, I don't deserve to stay here.
Michael: You were flying today, buddy.
Buster: Yes, I was flying. But a little too close to the sun.
Lucille: You let him go in the sun? [to Buster] Get in the back seat. I'll be right out.
Buster: Front seat, mom. I sit in the front seat now.
[After yawning for a long time]
Buster: [to Michael] Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
George Sr.: I never see you anymore, Michael.
Michael: You're in prison. And I was here yesterday.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, that's .. that's .. I'm sorry. I couldn't break away from the poker game. Capital-G was down to his boxers.
Michael: Strip poker?
George Sr.: Yeah, and it's tough. We can really only play about .. two hands.
[Referring to how George Michael and Maeby should do the kiss in the play]
Tobias: With fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
[Buster is jumping and falling all over the place trying to catch a bird that flew into the house]
Lucille: Buster!
Buster: It's a bird!
Lucille: I know it's a bird. I'm on the phone!
Buster: It walked on my pillow!
Lucille: [Referring to the cornballer machine the family still has] Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster.
Michael: [Referring to Lucille] She's always got to wedge herself in the middle of us so that she can control everything.
Buster: Yeah...Mom's awesome. Maybe we should call her?
[edit]

Key Decisions [1.4]

Lucille: He's a beautiful boy...they don't appreciate him. It's his glasses...they make him look like a lizard...plus he's self-conscious.
White Power Bill: [as he's stabbing Gob] White power!
Gob: [gasping] I'm.. white..
Buster: [Not wearing his glasses] That's what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that brownish area by its points and you don't let go no matter what your mom says.
Lucille: [about Buster's new girlfriend] He doesn't even know what she looks like.
Buster: I know she's a brownish area... with points. And I know I love her!
Lucille: I'm calling Dr. Miller.
Michael: Listen, after we get that lot cleared, we're going to have enough money for you to neuter thousands of animals. You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats.
Lindsay: I care deeply for nature.
Michael: You're wearing ostrich-skin boots.
Lindsay: Well, I don't care about ostriches.
Narrator: And Lucille was mingling with the elite of the Latino Television Academy.
Lucille: Can I get a vodka tonic, please? I'd like a vodka tonic, please. Vodka tonic, please. A sea of waiters, and no one will take a drink order.
Lucille: I'll be in the hospital bar.
Michael: Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother.
Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
Lucille: When's the last time you went on a date?
Michael: I just haven't met anybody who's not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with.
Lucille: If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.
Lindsay: ... Get out of our f***ing tree.
Lindsay: I've always been very passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?
Michael: Oh, I'll never forget your wedding.
Lindsay: You know, we're not the only ones destroying trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go club a few beavers?
[edit]

Charity Drive [1.5]

George Sr.: I just haven't had sex in a month.
Michael: You know, you've been here two months.
George Sr.: It's hard to gauge time.
Michael: Yeah, I'll bet.
Gob: But I'll tell you what. If you want to use my likeness for a Hamburglar-type character, I'll sign off on that. ‘Mr. Banana Grabber' or something.
Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight.
Lindsay: The wetlands.
Michael: To do what with them?
Lindsay: Dry them.
Michael: Save them.
Lindsay: From drying.
George Sr.: I'm under a lot of pressure here. I'm trying to get my newsletter off the ground. I'm trying to decide which gang to align myself with.
Michael: Is it pledge week already?
George Sr.: I've got it down to two. But honestly, I don't even want to choose. I just feel ... I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance.
Lindsay: Look, I screwed up, ok? I'm lost, and I hate them. I hate the Wetlands. They're stupid and wet, and there are bugs everywhere, and I think I maced a crane, Michael.
Michael: I mean, I guess it would just be a guy who you know, grabs bananas and runs. Or, um, a banana that grabs things. I don't know why. Why would a banana grab another banana? I mean, those are the kind of questions I don't want to answer.
[Michael asks the woman he thinks is Lucille's housekeeper where she is going]
Woman: Yo ... scared-o.
Michael: Izquierdo ... I know that word. Left turn it is, missus!
[edit]

Visiting Ours [1.6]

Kitty: Your wife's on line one.
Narrator: Michael's wife had been dead for two years.
Michael: My what?
Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake.
Kitty: I said, 'your wife is on line one.'
Narrator: But not immediately.
Lucille: [to waiter] Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear.
Kitty: Gob? I wish I would have known you were coming. I am a mess.
Gob: Don't know if a call from me would've changed that.
Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
Gob: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.
Gob: I [bleep] Kitty!
Michael: Oh, Gob! I just wanted you to get the information.
Gob: Oh I got the information.
Michael: You did, huh? About the international accounts?
Gob: Oh, I see what you're getting at. No, I didn't get any information.
Kitty: That's none of your business ... my business.
Dr. Gunty: I'm no David Schwimmer, and you're no Jennifer Aniston!
George Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael.
Tobias: Ok, kids. Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.
Maeby: Can we come?
Lindsay: Sorry, it's not for kids.
George Michael: Ok .. so, why are we doing this?
Maeby: 'Cause it's obvious they're lying. Come on, drive!
George Michael: Well, what if they see us?
Maeby: How are they going to see us?
George Michael: Well, it says "Bluth Company" right on the side, plus it's a stairway. That's gonna catch the eye.
Kitty: Do you like my outfit?
Gob: Not as much as I like what's underneath it.
Kitty: Gob!
Gob: No, I need your chair. Get up.
[edit]

In God We Trust [1.7]

(Scene: in prison)

Barry Zuckerkorn: Are all the guys in here.. you know? (referencing gay inmates}
George Sr.: Oh no, no. No, not all of them.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Yeah. It's never the ones you hope... think.
Maeby: Ok. So I printed the fake airline ticket from my computer. If my parents miss this, I really might go to South America.
George Michael: That says Portugal.
Maeby: That's right.
Narrator: Maeby's parents didn't find the ticket. But Gob did.
Gob: Portugal?
Narrator: ..which confirmed his suspicions.
Gob: Gonna live it up down old South America way, huh Mikey?
Gob: Michael, I'm on to you! The Spanish lessons, the lawyer.. if you're heading for Portugal it's due south.
Michael: That doesn't even sound like me! That sounds like Mom. Or.. Bruce Vilanch. It could be Bruce Vilanch.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [to Lucille] What are you doing? Pilates? Because no forty year old woman should look like that.
Michael: Well, no forty year old woman does look like that.
Lucille: Oh, what'd she do, get you drunk?
Michael: No, we just, uh, well ... we—we did drink a little bit. How'd you know that?
Lucille: Because that's what she said she'd do. I said you wouldn't give her the money, and she said, ‘He will if I get him drunk.' Probably because she thinks you're a cheap bastard. Oh ... her words.
Audience member #1: Where's God?
Audience member #2: There is no God.
[edit]

My Mother, The Car [1.8]

Michael: Actually my head does not hurt at all. What did you give me?
Doctor: Your mother asked me to pump you full of...
Lucille: Children's aspirin.
Lindsay: It's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy - for you to spend money on me.
Buster: I've already got a Lucille in my life.
Lucille 2: I understand ... that's healthy.
Michael: She went from giddy to devastated. I mean, it would have been funny if it wasn't so ... no, it was kind of funny.
Michael: Mom, you've already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person and it's technically a spree.
Maeby: We don't have to go, do we?
Michael: Come on, this is a Bluth family celebration ... it's no place for children.
Lindsay: It would just give dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks.
Gob: Yeah, I got some of that ... except he also didn't like my looks.
Lucille: You're my third least favorite child.
Michael: I can live with that.
Lucille: Oh, here comes the 10:15 conniption, right on time. Honest to God, Buster, it's like every little thing makes you seize up in terror lately. I just have no idea where you get that from. Get away from that stove. You're going to light your hair on fire.
Lucille: Buster, what's going on? What happened to your head?
Buster: Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer.
George Sr.: I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.
Lindsay: What?
George Sr.: Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay: Stabbed?
George Sr.: In a way.
George Michael: I, uh .. need you to make some fake IDs for me and Maeby.
Gob: Like a passport?
George Michael: Yeah, yeah, that would be great. Oh, and, uh, preferably French. I like the way they think.
Lucille: It's an idiot on a scooter at night. It's got to be Gob.
Buster: Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you?
Michael: Yeah.
Buster: Because I really like Mom.
Michael: We know.
Lindsay: I mean, it's always been "Michael's got the brains, Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the .."
George Sr.: High-fastening pants.
Lindsay: You said that?
George Sr.: No, I'm saying that now.
Michael: I can't believe she got that driver's license renewed.
Gob: She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work, though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. Ended up checking "albino" in the form.
Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?
Lucille: Like it was yesterday.
Michael: It was this morning, and now I hear that you've hired a crew for the yacht? I'm selling that yacht.
Lucille: Michael, you haven't heard why I want it. To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday.
Michael: I enjoy a bicentennial as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.
[edit]

Storming the Castle [1.9]

Michael: I'm a saint, you know. I'm a living saint, and I get absolutely nothing out of it.
Lindsay: Well, you get a false feeling of superiority.
Michael: That is nice, but this time it's not enough.
Buster: And I'm going to continue dating, Mom.
Michael: It sounds a little bit like dating Mom.
Buster: It's starting to feel a little like it.
Lucille: Oh, don't give me that look. I happen to be a more caring mother than most.
Buster: Where's my bed?
Lucille: I put it in storage.
[about Lucille 2's relationship with Buster]
Lucille: She's been a family friend for years... It's just.. creepy!
Michael: Mom, I think you might be overreacting.
Lucille: She changed him as a baby!
Michael: Ok, that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Buster: That's why she didn't look surprised.
Michael: Call me what you want ...
Lindsay: An impotent man-boy.
Lucille: You're the only one who chose a spouse I liked and she had to die.
Michael: I know, that's rough for you.
Marta: I can't believe the legs would screw him like this!
Michael: Mom, I'm looking for Gob. There's some people after him, and I don't know whether it's gambling or what, but they want to break his legs.
Lucille: It's a good thing he's already got that little scooter!
Michael: Since when are you against leather?
Maeby: Yeah, you're not even a vegetarian.
Lindsay: Well, I'm not against the insides. I mean, people need meat to survive.
Michael: You are aware they don't remove it surgically, right?
[edit]

Pier Pressure [1.10]

Michael: Your Uncle Gob seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today. Was that you?
George Michael: No. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.
Lucille: [to Lindsay] I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.
Maeby: [working with Lucille] This is so much fun. I can't believe my mom thought being here would be a punishment.
Lucille: Oh, she thinks I'm too critical. That's another fault of hers.
Michael: You mean you taught me a lesson not to teach lessons?
George Sr.: It was my last lesson.
Gob: What? Oh, no! It's the cops! Oh! And a .. construction worker.
Gob: [about the fake cops] These guys are pros, Michael. They're gonna push the tension till the last possible moment before they strip.
Michael: They're not going to strip, are they?
Gob: I told them not to, but I can't promise that their instincts won't kick in.
Lindsay: [about the broach] You know I wanted that.
Lucille: I know. But it's an elephant. And I didn't want to invite the comparison.
Michael: I want the guy with the one arm and the fake blood. J. Walter Weatherman. How do I get a hold of him?
George Sr.: Well, he's, uh, dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioner on.
Michael: He's lying to me. Can you believe that? Where the hell is this family's morality?
[A puff of smoke suddenly comes out of Gob's mouth]
Gob: I don't know.
Michael: What?
Gob: It's cold out here.
Buster: [about Lucille 2] And her nausea's gotten really bad, too. It's really been difficult on us. It's definitely taking its toll.
Michael: Well, you know, you're free to go, pal. It's not like you made a commitment to this woman.
Buster: Well, I didn't make a commitment ... I did refer to it as our nausea. But you know, that's when we were going at it really hot and heavy.
Michael: Well, now it's my nausea.
Michael: Tell you what. I'm going to give you the cash, but in return, I get to ask you for a favor sometime.
Gob: My gut is telling me no. But my gut is also very hungry.
[edit]

Public Relations [1.11]

Jessie: And Tobias, you're a medical doctor and you're living an absurd fantasy as an actor. It's time to get real.
Tobias: Wow. It's a tough talk, but I like it. You're saying "land a major film".
Jessie: There are very few intelligent, attractive, and straight men in this town.
Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out.
[awkward pause, everyone looks at Tobias]
Tobias: You said single, right? She said single.
Reporter: Where's Earl Milford?
Gob: I-I don't know. I put him in a box. I didn't kill him, alright? And don't edit this for your broadcast so it looks like I'm screaming, "I killed Earl Milford!"
[Cut to Fox6 News]
John Beard: Startling confession tonight at 11:00.
Jessie: Your father's religious now? We'll play that up. It's very sympathetic.
Lucille: Yeah. Who doesn't love the Jews?
Lindsay: [to Michael] So, you didn't get any while you were in high school, and now you're not going to get any while George Michael's in high school.
Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.
George Sr.: Gentlemen, we do not wave our genitals at one another to make a point!
Jessie: Daddy lost his shot at happy and it's all your fault, Opie.
Narrator (Ron Howard): Jessie had gone too far and she had best watch her mouth.
[edit]

Marta Complex [1.12]

Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I deceived you, Mom. Trick makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Gob: You've only had sex four times!
Michael: Not four times, four women!
Maeby: That's it! Tell me what's up with you and Dad.
Lindsay: Nothing. Nothing's wrong with your father and me. We have a-a wonderful, close relationship. Can I let you in on a little secret? Hm? Having him in the next room makes me miss him all the more.
Maeby: Mom, please. He's got a big boy crush on Action Jackson.
George Sr.: Hey, Bruno, any chance that the hole is available between 4:00 and 6:00?
Lucille: I don't even want to know what that means.
Lucille 2: Buster, this is exactly why our relationship does not work.
Buster: Our relationship doesn't work?
Lucille 2: No, not as long as you keep getting me all mixed up with your mother.
Buster: It is exactly the opposite. I'm leaving my mother for you. You're replacing my mother.
Carl Weathers: Now wait a minute. This is just purely a social call. You know, just two adults getting a stew on, man.
Buster: I don't know what that means, but it sounds disgusting.
Lindsay: [to George Michael] We're all just going to have a more normal arrangement. I'm going to sleep with my daughter, and you're going to sleep with my husband.
Lucille: Blow.
[Holds out tissue]
Buster: No, Mother! I can blow myself.
Maeby: So do you want to go to the movies?
[George Michael pricks off a small piece of Maeby's hair with a tweezer and walks past her]
Maeby: Ow!
George Michael: I'll let you know when I get back from the lab.
[edit]

Beef Consommé [1.13]

Tobias: When a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actually.. When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and great focus he is often able to acheive an erec...
George Michael: I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you here.
Michael: That's one of the things that attracted me to you; your sense of right and wrong. I also like your hair and your face and your breasts.
Barry Zuckerkorn: It would help if you would all show up looking like a loving, supportive family.
Lucille: For how long?
Barry Zuckerkorn: Ten minutes tops.
Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.
Gob: Hey, guy ... They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother Tio.
Tio: ¿Cómo?
Gob: You're going to be in a como, all right.
[Michael remembers he has to appear in court to support his father]
Michael: My father's ... hearing.
Marta: With my father, it is the vision.
George Michael: Uncle Gob, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?
Gob: Yeah, sure, dozens of times.
[Maeby walks down to see her parents fighting]
Lindsay: I'm saying everytime something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
Tobias: Nothing has ever gone well for me and you know it!
Lindsay: That's my point, you...[sees Maeby] ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias: Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish c.. [sees Maeby] ...ountry-music-loving lady.
Gob: [to Michael] Tell you what. You may not be good with women, but you are great with other people's women. I'll give you that.
Michael: Mom wanted me to tell you that she doesn't care whether you live or die, but if you're not dead, she would like to see you at the courthouse tomorrow in a blue sweater.
Buster: Damn it! I hate the blue sweater.
Michael: She said it would look nice with the gray pants.
Buster: Damn it! She's right.
Michael: [to Marta] Hi. My brother said we can do it. That didn't come out as romantic as I'd hoped, but ...
Gob: Where am I? Am I in two-thirds of a hospital room?
[Buster walks into the courthouse with a mariachi band]
Lucille: Oh, for God's sake. He's on his own for two days, and he joins a gang.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm so late. I had another hearing. Here's the good news: I think I'm going to get off, huh? I have a good lawyer.
Judge Ping: [Reading off George Sr.'s crimes] Conspiracy, racketeering, evidence tampering, fraud, theft, grand theft, petty theft.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Wow, I-I did not get that page.
[After Marta breaks up with both Gob and Michael]
Buster: Wait, wait. What about - what about me?
Marta: I'm sorry, I'm not totally sure who you are.
Buster: Wow. Wow. That's what it feels like to get punched in the face.
[edit]

Shock and Aww [1.14]

Narrator: GOB mistook Micheal's basic human decency for romantic interest, and felt the need to step in.
Michael: Is it just me, or does this rape room have the same floor plan as our kitchen?
Lucille: Michael, the little Korean is here and I don't know what to do with him. At least I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you can tell.
Lindsay: It's George Michael, he told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well that's ridiculous. He's got you, he's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off to the entire concept.
Ms. Baerly: Sweet ride. Are you making dinner reservations?
Michael: No, no. That was my mom. She just had a little Korean dropped off.
Ms. Baerly: Ooh, that sounds good. Let's have that.
Lucille: I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore.
Michael: Yeah. That udder's been dry for a while though, hasn't it?
Gob: George Michael, what are you doing at a high school dance?
Michael: I don't think us sleeping together is working out. You're a grown man. You should be living with your mother.
Buster: Yeah. I miss mom.
Michael: I can tell.
[edit]

Staff Infection [1.15]

White Power Bill: [hits man with pipe] I have worse plans for you if you keep trying to convert my team!
George Sr.: Ok, hold it, hold ... hold it now ... Now I'm doing no such thing; both of our religions have a lot to offer. There's the Jewish notion of heaven, and that it can be attained here on Earth. And there is your belief ... in the cleansing power of the pipe.
Lindsay: Dad hired me out of college.
Michael: You quit college.
Lindsay: Yeah, well I had a job. What was the point?
Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?
Buster: [to Gob] Chickens don't clap!
Annyong: I went to beach once. Next thing you know, I in crate next to pig.
Tobias: Alright, let's discuss this bunking situation!
White Power Bill: You're gonna be sleepin' under me for a while.
George Sr.: [to Tobias] I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.
Tobias: Lindsay, say something to scare me.
Lindsay: F*** me.
Tobias: Nope, nothing. Thanks for trying, though.
Michael: Thanks for coming out, buddy. I've been dying to get some time with you, I really have.
George Michael: That's ok. I know how much you care about me. Unfortunately, so does the federal government.
Michael: He's not a chicken. He just doesn't like confined spaces, that's all.
Gob: I thought it was open spaces.
Buster: No, it's both.
Buster: I'm a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits.
Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.
Michael: How'd you know I was here?
Gob: I called the office. You know, that Kitty is starting to sound pretty damn sexy to me. Maybe I ought to -
Michael: That was Lindsay.
[edit]

Altar Egos (1) [1.17]

George Sr.: Hi ... this is not what it looks like ...
Lucille: It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence.
George Sr.: Yep ... yeah, that's it.
Lindsay: I'll tell you what. I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60-40.
Maeby: 55-55.
Lindsay: Deal.
Michael: Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.
Lindsay: We should go now before your Dad gets back. No need going halfsies with him, too.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Do you want to read it?
Michael: No, it is thick. Why don't we just take it?
Barry Zuckerkorn: I could kiss you on the nuts.
Michael: Yeah, well -- what?
Michael: [regarding Maggie] I certainly can't take advantage of her now, knowing what I know.
Gob: What? No, Michael, you can. Don't you ... ? You just won the gold medal at the sexual Special Olympics. She can't ever find you again. Don't you see that you're so lucky? God, how do you not ... ?
Gob: Michael, you can save this family. Please, do the right thing here. String this blind girl along so that Dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society.
Barry Zuckerkorn: The solution to all our problems is staring you right in the face, and it can't even see you.
Lucille: Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn't breast feed any of you kids because of that man.
[Everyone groans except for Barry Zuckerkorn]
Barry Zuckerkorn: They still look fabulous.
Michael: Boy, the lengths you'll go to sleep with a woman.
Gob: Believe me, we didn't do any sleeping. I had sex last night.
Narrator: But he really didn't.
Gob: Yes, I did.
Gob: I told you to walk away. I told you to give a fake name.
Michael: I did. Thanks very much. I'm Chareth Cutestory, a pirate lawyer. It was airtight.
Michael: I actually had a pretty interesting night myself.
Gob: Really? What'd you do, read the plea?
Narrator: That morning, however, she had some startling news for him.
Cindi: I'm a mole.
George Sr.: Well, you know, God - God doesn't care how big your teeth are. Yes, you could go to a dentist and you could, whoo - you could grind off about - I don't know - 30%. Maybe more. Yeah, I wouldn't miss it.
[edit]

Justice is Blind (2) [1.18]

Maggie: It's like the ten commandments saying, you know. "Be true to thine own self, and to thine own self.."
Michael: "... be true." Yeah, number seven.
Gob: And now you love the ten commandments. And yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord."
Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.
Maggie: So, what about us? We were starting to establish some trust. Except for all the lies.
Maggie: Did you ever see him return from these trips with anything unusual?
Buster: He once came back once with a black statue with an erect penis. It stayed in our living room until my aunt objected.
Maeby: Plus, who's going to get mad at the dying girl?
George Michael: Surely's dying?
Maeby: I figure I'll kill her off just before graduation just so everyone gets really sad before prom.
Surely: And this is the man who inspired me. George Michael Bluth. He is the one who is responsible for the new ramps at our school, and he will carry on my legacy, and put an end to BS!
George Michael: Surely can beat this thing!
All: [chanting] No more BS! No more BS!
Lindsay: I've always been very passionate about the separation of church and state.
Michael: What are you going to do with them?
Lindsay: Oh, I don't know. Give them to a school.
[edit]

Missing Kitty [1.16]

Lindsay: Speaking of which, have we gotten anything from Nana?
Michael: Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline, but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.
George Sr.: What are you doing firing Kitty? You can't fire Kitty. First of all, you don't have hiring and firing power.
Michael: I do, and I had to -- she's crazy.
George Sr.: Well, that's why you don't fire her. You don't fire crazy. You never fire crazy.
Maeby: The only real way to find out how it's done is to sneak on the boat while he does it.
George Michael: Yeah, but then if he makes it disappear, won't everyone just see me standing there?
Maeby: Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was ... Anyway, if it was me, that's what I would do.
George Michael: [Picks up phone] Good afternoon, Bluth company. Talk you off? Talk you off of what, Pop-pop?
George Sr.: George Michael. Oh. Hey, I thought you were .. When's that voice going to drop?
Lindsay: Where's Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74.
Gob: [to George Michael] Maybe we'll meet a couple of young coeds along the way. How young is too young for you?
Michael: Ok, that's not going to happen. Ok? There's not gonna be any coeds. There certainly isn't going to be any magic. [to George Michael] It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you, and you don't even realize it.
Gob: Um, Michael, I'm a magici - Oh, I see what you did.
[edit]

Best Man for the Gob [1.19]

Lindsay: This is ridiculous. Why do we even have to do this?
Tobias: We are doing this to keep our family together.
Lindsay: No, I'm serious. Look at us. We're dressed like we're in the 60s. It's the 21st century, you should be dressing like it's the 80s.
Tobias: This family is not about to start using. We are pushers, not takers.
Michael: I though Zenotab was supposed to make everything a little bit better.
Lindsay: For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell.
Michael: Let me tell you something. You may not be a father, but you are my brother.
Gob: I might be a father.
Buster: Where'd Annyong get that juice box?
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: Those are for his soccer team. No sugar for you. You just get more awful.
Lindsay: I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.
Gob: Lie to her. Tell her that I'm insensitive and unreliable.
Michael: Maybe something about how you can never confront people and you need someone else to clean up your messes.
Gob: See, that's great ... and that's just off the top of your head.
Narrator: And Michael tried to find the money the accountant said was missing.
George Sr.: I don't know. I probably stole it. I mean, if he says it's missing, it is. Unless he stole it. Hey, maybe he stole it.
Michael: He's the one who said it's missing.
George Sr.: Yeah, I probably stole it.
George Sr.: Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in IRAs.
Ira Gilligan: It's Ira, sir.
George Sr.: Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in Ira's.
[Sees Buster and the stripper both knocked out]
Michael: I'm calling the cops.
Bix: We're changing again, guys.
Gob: Gilligan killed the skipper .. stripper!
George Michael: The-the problem I'm having is, uh .. I have a pretty finely tuned internal clock.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
George Michael: Which is actually why I'm such a good natural percussionist.
Michael: Not everything is strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?
Gob: It's not real blood. It's, um, corn syrup and red dye. Juice.
Buster: We have unlimited juice? [laughs] This party is going to be off the hook.
Michael: You're making Dad your best man? That's great. I guess being your brother and solving all your problems for you doesn't qualify me as your best man.
Gob: Hey, if he wants to support me, I'm not going to tell him to go to hell. Don't worry. You're still -
Michael: What, invited?
Gob: No, I was going to say you're still the guy I want solving my problems. But, yeah, let me talk to Dad about that invite .. situation.
Gob: I've got the marriage and none of the good parts. It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball.
Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
Michael: Really? When did that start?
Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.
[edit]

Whistler’s Mother [1.20]

Lindsey: [As she is being hosed down while protesting in a cage] All your water's doing is whetting my appetite for protest. No hair for oil! No hair for oil!
Michael: Mom, why are you holding me with your body?
Lucille: It's a hug, Michael; I'm hugging you.
Michael: Well, why?
Lucille: Because you need your mother right now.
Michael: But I don't get along with m -— Sorry, that was, that was a knee jerk.
Lucille: Buster's jaw clicks when he eats. I think it's what's driving his friends away. I sent him to Canada for an operation, so I'll need some of that new money that just came in.
Michael: You know, Mom, if you want an operation that's really going to help him, you ought to have them finally cut that cord.
George Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income, except for you?
Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.
Lindsay: I'm protesting the war. There's a war going on, you know.
Maeby: Yeah. I'm the one who told you, and you said it happened ten years ago.
Michael: Is this about the money?
Gob: No.
Michael: What do you want?
Gob: I mean, it's not about money in the sense that I'm coming here saying, "Here, Michael. Take some money." It's just more of a "may I have some" kind of visit.
Maeby: It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candy apple on his way to Mexico!
George Michael: Of course! You're mocking me.
Maeby: Of course.
Tobias: I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: That's not what I was thinking.
Gob's Wife: Gob. I want out. I'm in love with your brother ..
Gob: What?! [turns to Michael] You did it again, you son of a bitch! [punches and knocks out Michael]
Gob's Wife: .. In-law. Tobias. Sorry. I should have finished that thought.
Gob's Wife: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Gob's Wife: No, your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? Michael!
Gob's Wife: No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. You're in love with me - me.
Gob's Wife: I'm in love with Tobias.
Gob: My brother-in-law?
Gob's Wife: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
Gob: To be with your brother ..
Gob's Wife: No!
Tobias: Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola, though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: Actually, that time, that was what I was thinking.
Lucille: Why have we been spending so much money on whistles?
[edit]

Not Without My Daughter [1.21]

[watching a Girls with Low Self-Esteem video for Gob's magic act]
Gob: Oh, here it is. Here it is.
Announcer: It was a wild time on the beach, and if you like magic, look away. The only thing this guy could make fly away was the crowd.
George Michael: Hey dad, do you think this purse goes with this outfit? Where’d my dad go?
Tobias: [falsetto] Douche chill!
George Michael: There are certain things that I can talk to you about that I can't really with my dad...like, uh, were you ever awkward around girls?
Gob: What do you mean?... Like if there were three of us and I didn't know where to start? No, I think I did pretty well.
Gob: What do you use for misdirection?
Lindsay: Misdirection?
Gob: Yeah, I mean if you're SO good at magic, what'd you have them looking at to divert their attention?
Lindsay: Uh, I dunno...my ass.
Gob: MY ass, you're lying!
Lindsay: Michael, it was shoplifting and I'm white. I think I'm going to be OK.
Michael: Hey Mom, why can't Buster pretend to be your escort? That's the way he's got it in all his cartoons.
Michael: I gave you permission to use the yacht. You blew it up.
Gob: Yeah, well, if you give someone permission to use a tissue, you can't be upset if they blow their nose. Right? I mean ...
Lindsay: Well, they expect a certain amount of theft, Michael. It's built into the price. If I didn't take it, then people would be overpaying for nothing.
Oscar: Ok, but I never meant to break up your family. Your mom called me for a reason. I-I don't think she's happy.
Buster: No, she's happy. She's just mean all the time.
Michael: [answering cell phone] Hello? Oh, hey, George Michael. Uh, I'm sorry? In your pants? I'll be right there. [hangs up phone] Um, my son has an emergency.
Detective Fellows: You know, there's a Grover book: "I Can't Hold It In." Worked for us.
Michael: What? What's going on?
Annyong: Okay. Mother want someone to go to my soccer game with. She don't want other soccer moms think that she is single mother. She old school.
Michael: I liked it better when he just said "Annyong."
Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?
Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.
Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.
Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me.
Michael: What about the outfit yesterday?
Lindsay: Old thing gave it to me.
Tobias: I must warn you, Michael, she doesn't respond well to strict directives.
Maeby: All right.
Tobias: That was odd.
Michael: Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. [Talking about the "Girls with Low Self-Esteem" tape] Is this what you want?
Tobias: Oh, God, no.
Michael: This could be where your daughter is headed.
Tobias: Oh, no, no, I don't want this for Maeby either.
Patient: There's like this longing .. this pull. I mean, does that make me, you know, like, some kind of .. ?
Young Maeby: Homosexual.
Tobias: Maeby, please. She's right, though, you probably are a homosexual.
George Michael: Say what you want about America, thirteen bucks still gets you a helluva lot of mice!
Gob: Who said anything bad about America?
[edit]

Let ‘Em Eat Cake [1.22]

Gob: Oh. Good. Well, I’ll start my own business. How hard can it be? [Buzzes] We’ll see who brings in more honey. [Buzzes and walks off]
Michael: He's thinking about bees again.
Lindsay: Is that a shot at me? Because, for your information, I have a job.
Michael: Really? What kind of job?
Lindsay: Beads!
Gob: Bees?!
Lindsay: Beads.
Gob: Beads?!
Michael: Gob's not on board.
Narrator: Tobias, walking down a street he'd been down many times, saw a book he'd written years earlier as a psychiatrist. The book, initially unsuccessful, had suddenly caught fire .. although strangely, only in the gay community.
Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Your secretary?
George Sr.: My secretary.
Michael: She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.
Gob: Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have Gob [bleep] our way out of it."
Barry Zuckerkorn: Our star witness. Come here. Good to see you. You know what? Don't get too close to me. 'Cause I've got an itch you can't believe. I think something laid eggs on me.
Michael: Thanks for the heads up.
Lindsay: Look, I need to become self-reliant. It's not going to last with Tobias. He's completely oblivious. He's got no idea how I'm feeling or thinking.
Michael: So, there's no sex?
Lindsay: I mean, how do you not have sex with me?
Michael: It is a struggle.
Kitty: Gob, this is your time. With my help, knowing what I know, we could take over the Bluth Company together.
Gob: Wow, this is a side of you I'd never noticed before. Have they always been that big?
[edit]

Season 2

[edit]

The One Where Michael Leaves [2.1]

Michael: Yes I do, but that is not a family, okay? They’re a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael: She’s not my real aunt?
Michael: Not a real nose. Got a picture of her when she’s fourteen in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
Annyong: I do it. I play Uncle Sam. Better than the part I have now. Guy who order strike on Pearl Harbor.
Tobias: Oh, no, no. I’m not in the group yet. No, I’m afraid I just blue myself.
Michael: There's got to be a better way to say that.
Michael: Just to be clear. Looks like he’s dead, or he is dead?
Dr. Fishman: It just looks like he’s dead. He’s got like blue paint on him or something. But he’s going to be fine.
G.O.B.: I’ve got the proof, Michael. Dad’s signed contract with Saddam.
Buster: (whispers) Hussein.
Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised...

(falls off the bed)

Tobias ...a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters.
Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but.... but it might work for us.
Lindsay: Is {Tobias} okay? What did he say? What was the last thing he said?
Tobias (in a flashback): I’m afraid I just blue myself.
Michael: He said some wonderful things.
G.O.B.: Michael, I am sitting on some very hot information here. I know too much. I’ve got the thingie. Half in English, half in squibbly.
[edit]

The One Where They Build A House [2.2]

Michael: George Michael, I’m sure that Egg is a very nice person. I just don’t want you spending all your money...
George Michael: Ann.
Michael: ... getting her all glittered up for Easter, you know?
Buster: Mother? Mother, what’s going...? I heard zoo noises.
Lucille: It’s not fair to Buster. He’s a nervous wreck right now. He’s going into the Army, for God’s sake.
Michael: You volunteered him.
Lucille: I knew you were going to throw that in my face.
Michael': We can’t build a house in two weeks. Also, I’m not so sure how “solid as a rock” helps people forget the fact that we built houses in Iraq.
Lucille: I want you out of the house.
Oscar: Oh, I want you everywhere.
Lucille: Did you see the news? Your Uncle Oscar forced himself on me at the beach today, and I didn’t have my horn.
Narrator: Gob charged at Michael with the scissors, but Michael,
Michael: Put it down.
Narrator: as he always did, picked rock...
Gob: Make it collapse. Make me look foolish.
Michael: Gob, don’t do this. Gob, the scissors!
Narrator:...which beat scissors. Unfortunately, the whole incident was covered by the paper.
[edit]

Amigos [2.3]

Starla: Here are the copies.
Michael: Hey, these are, these are very small.
Starla: When you said wanted photocopies, I thought that you meant you wanted them on a photo printer.
Michael: Tell you what. From now on, we’re going to use just the big printer.
Starla: Okay, you’re a perfectionist. Flashes of Quincy.
Michael: Yeah. I’m not so sure that hiring her wasn’t a mistake.
Gob: And I’m not afraid to make mistakes. Or have you forgotten to read this little... Damn it! My legs are so powerful.
Michael: We have a private eye, huh?
Lucille: Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything.
Michael: Well, he can’t be very good then.
Lucille: You can leave tomorrow after my going away party for Buster. I still can’t believe he’s going into the Army. You know he’s doing it just to spite me.
Michael: Then why are you throwing him a party?
Lucille: Just to spite him.
Michael: You guys have such a healthy thing going.
Michael: George Michael, what do you say you and I take a little road trip down to Mexico tomorrow, right after Buster’s party?
George Michael: Oh, I can’t; I’m meeting Ann.
Michael: Who?
George Michael: Ann. You took this picture of us in front of that bagel place before it was burned down.
Michael: I guess I thought she was with another family.
Lucille: A camcorder. That’s so you can videotape it when they put you in a naked pyramid and point to your Charlie Browns.
Buster: I ought to point to Uncle Oscar’s Charlie Browns next time you’re on top of him, Mother.
Michael: Well, this, uh, is a blueprint... of Dad’s face. She used the big printer; I’ll give her that.
George Michael: All right, let me grab Ann real quick.
Michael: What? Ann’s here?
George Michael: Yeah, I invited her. You-you said you wanted to spend time some with her. You said I was being an Ann hog.
Michael: Ann Hog’s coming? I mean, I thought it was just going to be ...
George Michael: It’s just Ann.
Michael: ... like, the two of us. All right, well, just load her up in the car.
Buster: Mother, when you see this videotape, you’ll know that I left, not out of cowardice, but out of... Oh, man, it’s tired in here...
Lucille: Here’s some money. Go see a Star War.
Lucille: It’s just some idiot with balloons.
Gene Parmesan: Oh, is it?
Lucille: AAAAH! I knew it!
Narrator: And Buster was finding himself right at home.
Buster: Oh, my God! I used to have a shirt just like that.
Narrator: It was Buster’s old shirt. Lucille had given it to Lupe.
Buster: And the hand chair! I had one in my room! I wonder where that went.
Narrator: It went right there.
Narrator: At no point were Michael and Maeby talking about the same person, and there were only four people in their group.
Maeby: And it’s not a race thing.
Michael: Yeah, whoever gets there first.
Buster: Oh, I love this way of life. This is where I belong. I love being Mexican.
George Michael: All right, let me grab Ann real quick.
Michael: What? Ann’s here?
George Michael: Yeah, I invited her. You-you said you wanted to spend time some with her. You said I was being an Ann hog.
Michael: Ann Hog’s coming? I mean, I thought it was just going to be ...
George Michael: It’s just Ann.
Michael: ... like, the two of us. All right, well, just load her up in the car.
Michael: That cousin of yours is a smart girl... Its too bad you can't date her.
George Michael Bluth: No, I was talk... You mean, you wouldn't have a problem with that?

[Michael looks at him funny]

George Michael Bluth: Nothing!
Gob: Fleeing the country, you bastard?
Michael: No, I’m still not fleeing, okay? I’m just here to pick up my son’s girlfriend. She ran off the last time we were leaving.
Ann 2.0: Actually, I was sitting right there the whole time.
George Michael: Way to plant, Ann.
Michael: George Michael, why don’t you and Plant just wait in the staircar?
Buster: Make love in your own hand, Mother!
Lindsay: Ah, thank God. A new doctor. Finally we can get a straight answer in this place.
Gene Parmesan: Uh, I’ve got some bad news. I’m... Gene Parmesan. How you doing?
Lucille: AAAH! He got me again!
Gene Parmesan: But I did overhear that he’s bleeding internally.
[edit]

Good Grief [2.4]

George Michael: I have Pop-Pop in the attic.
Michael: What? The mere fact that you call making love “Pop-Pop” tells me you’re not ready.
Gob: So, did you see the new Poof?
Michael: His name’s Gary. And we don’t need any more lawsuits, okay?
Gob: And I’m halfway to getting out of this office and into a steaming bowl of soup.
Lucille: Oscar, close it! You look like the window of a butcher shop.
Narrator: Indeed, Ice had always bounty hunted to support his first love: party planning.
Maeby: Is there any way I can divorce them?
Barry: Oh, sure. It’s called emancipation. But you’ve got to prove that you’re living in an unstable environment.
Maeby: Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course they haven’t succeeded yet.
Lucille: What are you doing home?
Buster: The Army had half a day.
George, Sr.: Listen, if you pass a mini-mart, Pop-Pop gets a treat?
Michael: I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay: From who, the Nazis?
Michael: Why make him hide? Why do to him what...? Why do to him what Dad used to do to me?
Lindsay: (Cries.) He was so amazing!
Michael: That was actually an example of how not so amazing he was.
Lindsay: I know! You know, it’s funny, all those years when I pretended to cry I used to use Dad’s death to get me going. I tried it with Mom’s but I’d just end up smiling and ruining it.
Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. “I’m not going to cry about my Pa. I’m going to build an airport— put my name on it.” Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?
George, Sr.: Is Oscar wearing my suit? Hey, you tell my brother you don’t wear dead man’s pants. Shame on him. And you say that to him. You say, you say, “Shame on you.”
George Michael: Okay.
George, Sr.: Say it to me like you’re going to say it to him.
George Michael: I’m probably not going to say it to him.
Michael: It’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.
George Michael: Yeah? Wow. He’s really gone. But you know, I think that if he was here right now, I would probably tell him that it all worked out. And that, um, I’ll be bringing you some salmon rolls right away. In heaven.
George, Sr.: How many times I got to tell this kid chicken wings?
Michael: No, Pop-Pop does not get a treat. I just brought you a bleeping pizza!
[edit]

Sad Sack [2.5]

Michael: Oscar, please. You can’t go. You got to stay, okay? This is the nicest she’s been since she found out that Rosa could breast-feed Buster.
Oscar: I can’t take this anymore. She’s just so... loving and affectionate. I-I... this is not the woman I fell in love with.
Buster: I can’t do it; I can’t make my bed, and I can’t do this, either— I’m sorry. Aren’t you supposed to yell at me and call me “homo” and motivate me over this wall?
Oscar: God willing, he’ll fail boot camp.
Michael: Well, why wouldn’t he? He already failed day camp.
Tobias: I just found out that my cellular telephone was a lemon. It didn’t work.
Lindsay: Coincidentally, neither do you.
Michael: Pretty brave card for you to play.
Lindsay: He thinks I’m cute.
Maeby: He’s 19. He’s a senior at my high school.
Narrator: And had been for several years.
George, Sr.: Hey, you’re not going to turn me in, are you? Because I had no idea there were sanctions against, uh, I-Iraq. You know, they-they sent me over there. They said, “Go build.” I-I... Do I look like a criminal mastermind to you? How do you get this ham open? I can... I can’t get this ham open.
Optometrist: One or two?
George Michael: Two. No, no, one.
Optometrist: Okay, two... or three?
George Michael: Three. Unless three is too much of an improvement. I’m sorry, is one... is one in the mix still?
Barry: Well, if he’s got a shot with her, just give me a little tap on the fanny.
Michael: It’s not going to happen.
Tobias: Well, the Blue Man Group might need me, and I do deserve a fancy phone.
Narrator: They didn’t, and he doesn’t.
Michael: Is that her rape horn?
Oscar: It’s more like a starter’s pistol.
Michael: (Whispers.) Run.
Gob: I’m the pathetic one, Buster, not you. I totally freaked out in front of that prosecutor today. Like a little girl. In a little dress. Little saddle shoes. Little pigtails.
Buster: Wow, that does sound like a little girl.
Buster: Come on. Get my ire up! Push me! (Self-conscious giggle.) Oh. Oh, this is turning out to be much more fun than I’d hoped.
Narrator: It was fun. But it wasn't helping him become a better soldier.
Michael: Are you serious?
Wayne Jarvis: Almost always. I was once called the worst audience participant Cirque du Soleil ever had.
Michael: This is a big accusation.
Wayne Jarvis: Well, Michael, I did not find their buffoonery amusing.
Barry: Those are the pictures?
Wayne Jarvis: They’re all over the news.
Barry: Those are balls.
Wayne Jarvis: What?
Narrator: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself while learning to use his camera phone.
Barry: This close, they always look like landscape. Nope, you’re looking at balls.
Chairman: They’re balls?
Pilot #1: We’re looking at balls. Let’s turn it around.
Pilot #2: Copy on the balls.
[edit]

Afternoon Delight [2.6]

Lindsay: No, you’re not going to that. You see, if I show up with you, it’ll just make me seem like I’m a mother.
Maeby: I’ve never thought of you that way.
Lindsay: That’s sweet.
Lindsay: No, no you have to go, so when men find out we’re in an open relationship, they’ll see you’re no threat. People hear the name Tobias, they think— big black guy.
Tobias: Well, obviously, I’m not a big guy. I’m not a Carl Weathers, par example.
Michael: Nonetheless. It’s family first at the holidays. Oh, God, it’s Mom again.
Lucille: But I have a surprise for whoever it is if he comes back. First I blow him, then I poke him.
Michael: Guy's got no idea what he's in for.
Lucille: He calls it a quest to recharge his chi. I call it an excuse for him to score his pot and wag his pickle at coeds.
Lucille: Oh, Buster, thank God you're home. It's okay to be a coward.
Buster: I am not a coward. Would a coward have this?

(shows her a stuffed seal)

Lucille: What the hell are those?
Buster: These are my awards, Mother, from Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing.
George Michael: Oh, it was... it was good. They’re kind of... religious, Ann’s parents, so it was... yeah, it was just kind of...
Narrator: The word George Michael was searching for was “creepy.”
Gob: Oh, that’s... that’s-that’s great. The guy who’s dirty dancing with his niece is going to tell the guy in the thirty-six hundred dollar suit how to run the business. Come on.
Michael: Yeah, I sent him to your house to keep you safe.
Lucille: Well, he did a terrible job, didn’t he? I need someone else. Someone better. What about this one? She’s got thick arms.
Michael: How would you like to go on a road trip?
Maeby: No, I want to stay with her. Let’s go.
Lucille: Michael. I was almost attacked last night, in my own home. I walk in and there’s a colored man in my kitchen.
Michael: Colored? What color was he?
Lucille: Blue.
Lucille: Hey, Mikey, relax. It’s just a giant banana.
Michael: I think she needs some "Afternoon Delight". [Oscar Laughs]
Narrator: Oscar thought Michael was referring to a particular kind of cannabis, called "Afternoon Delight".
Oscar: Now the only question is, how do I get it in her?
Michael: I really don't need to know that.
Oscar: Maybe...I can stick it in her brownie.
Michael: Hey!
[edit]

Switch Hitter [2.7]

Lucille: Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some...?
Michael: Go ahead, Mom, finish the thought. Every time some children’s hospital needs funding?
Lucille: Nonetheless. We could get a giant checkbook, too. We’re just not that starved for attention.
Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it’s breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.
Michael: Sorry that my son couldn’t be here.
Stan Sitwell: Let me guess. Girlfriend. You know, it could be worse. He could want to marry your mother. (Laughs.) Oh, I’m sorry. Is your family not laughing at that yet?
Sitwell: The only thing I ask is, out of the 450 homes we build, one be given to a disadvantaged family from the inner city.
Gob: That’s great. So the other 449 families live in fear? Is that what we’re saying? I mean, come on! Where’s your decenc...?
Gob: Well, I’m not waiting on my brother. I pass. You look surprised.
Stan Sitwell: I’m sorry. I must have put it on too high.
Michael: What do you think of when you hear the word Sudden Valley?
George Michael: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don’t want to eat it.
Michael: Right. But Paradise Gardens...
George Michael: Yeah. Okay, I can... I can see marinating a chicken in that.
Michael: You should be playing the field. There. In right. You know? Plus, I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year. I can’t very well pull her off the roster. Let’s make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her, as a backup.
Jeff: Sorry, is this your office?
Maeby: No, I’m just sitting behind someone else’s desk, pretending these are my kids. Can you get Jude Law in here for a meeting?
Gob: “31. Bamboo floor upgrades— cheaper, stronger.” I can’t read this word. “32. Wireless ‘crapability.’ ” That one explains itself. “33.”
Michael: Lindsay, did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay: My foot is bleeding.
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Lindsay: Why do you think I’m taking Teamocil?
Michael: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay: That’s right. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.
[edit]

Queen For A Day [2.8]

George, Sr.: Oh, thank God you’re here. I’m going crazy with the boredom, Michael. At least in prison, we had knife fights, and we had movie night. And once, both. Those men did not enjoy Soapdish. I-I think you have to know that world.
Tobias: My schedule is as open as my relationship with my wife.
Michael: Maybe it’s time you got out there and started meeting people. You know? Meeting women. Meeting women who didn’t give birth to you.
Gob: So, get this. I took his dress eyebrows.
Narrator: Sitwell suffered from a disease that rendered him completely hairless.
Michael: He’s not gonna be happy about that.
Gob: No. Especially when he goes to the opera with two mustaches on his forehead.
George, Sr.: I never gave you a company car. No. I gave you something far more important. I gave you company, which apparently, you don’t want to give to me, Michael.
Gob: So you take your mom to work every day? Bummer. Moms are such a pain in the ass, huh? It’s, like, die already!
Narrator: Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...
Gob: 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator: ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob: It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
Stan Sitwell: Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator: But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob: How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.
Gob: This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in Fuck City!
Stan Sitwell: You're fired.
Buster: Mom is becoming a little controlling.
Michael: What tipped you off? When she locked you out on the balcony again?
Buster: That was half my fault. I thought I saw a graham cracker out there.
Michael: You baited the balcony?
Lucille: Prove it.
Lucille: “Standpoor” because she can’t stand up without falling over. I don’t know why she’d have any trouble. A piano could stand on those legs.
Tobias: All right, fellas, look, I know you know nothing but a life on the street. But I’d like to offer you something that the Queen Mary gave me. The joy of the stage. So, maybe you could, uh, start jeté-ing, and stop... je-terrorizing me.
Buster: Let her down easy. That right knee could go at any time.
[edit]

Burning Love [2.9]

Narrator: Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the "Skip's Scramble", an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble.
George, Sr.: I tried to drink some of the water, and it was too hot and it tasted like soy sauce. I think the teriyaki chicken burst.
Michael: That’s why people typically don’t cook in these, or install them in attics.
Lindsay: Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free.
Lucille: Really? Did “nothing” cancel?
Lindsay: And I’m going to see if I can get a wrench to strip my nuts. I, uh, tried to be sexy. It just... got away from me.
George, Sr.: This isn’t turning into the party hang out I hoped.
Tobias: My wife is humiliated. This is my chance to right the small wrong that I did.
Michael: You shot her in the ass with about four ounces of horse tranquilizer.
Tobias: I haven’t been the perfect husband— yes, I admit that. But now is my chance to be a hero.
[edit]

Ready, Aim, Marry Me [2.10]

Tobias: Well, yes, but I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
Tobias: Oh. Can you imagine how jealous that would make her? “Where’s Tobias?” “Oh, he’s just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth, and they’re dipping each other in...” Oh, you didn’t get any body chocolate?
Lucille: I think the company is in trouble.
Michael: What tipped you? The falling profits, or that we’re a regular feature on Bill O’Reilly’s “Most Ridiculous Item of the Day”?
Lucille: I’m talking about the fact that my “friend,” Lucille Austero, bought our company, and I think she’s going for a power grab—that bitch!
Michael: You’re not at home, Mom. She doesn’t live next door when you’re here.
Lucille: She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with G.O.B. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for Gob.
Michael: I think that makes the joke on Gob.
Michael: Sorry. Your grandmother had a little accident here.
George Michael: Oh. Does that mean she’s going to have to come live with us?
Michael: No, no. No. It was her drink, and even if it wasn’t...
Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.
Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias: Butterscotch! Want a lick?
Michael: I’m wondering if you can keep some of the more piercing profanities down when the 90-year-old fitness buff gets here?
Maeby: Well, why don’t you go get your kiss from Mr. Cool Half-Man?
Narrator: And Michael realized that perhaps somebody would get hurt.
Michael: I screwed my brother-in-law.
Maeby: Well, I’m all grown up now.
Tobias: You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word “afraid”?
Michael: Well, I-I know I used it in the Jacuzzi.
Tobias: And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.
Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke: It's out of context.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks, so to speak.
Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke: Tobias, you blow hard!
[edit]

Out on a Limb [2.11]

Tobias: Oh, a pregnancy test. There’s something we never had, huh, Lindsay? Oh, no, we had to create our little Frankenstein monster out of science and money and just a dash of ... Maeby... how long have you been standing there?
Maeby: I just walked in.
Tobias: [Chuckling] Seems like only yesterday you were bursting forth from your mother’s fertile womb.
Michael: No, hey... Let’s not spin in the comfy chair.
Gob: So with a simple wave of my... Oh, look-it... over there. One of the Desperate Housewives. So desperate.
Lucille: What the hell was I supposed to do? Michael Moore confronted me in front of the whole country.
Michael: First of all, it wasn’t Michael Moore. It was a Michael Moore look-alike, and it wasn’t in front of the whole country. It was for a bit on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Lucille: I don’t know who that is, and I don’t care to find out.
Maggie: Michael, I haven’t heard from you. I really don’t want to hear from you now. Listen, if you’re interested, come to the baptism. You can hurl a Bible at the baby.
Tobias: Yeah. It’ll be fun. We will be like Tracy and Hepburn. (As Hepburn.) What do you say, you old poop.
Lindsay: Oh, God, he’s Hepburn.
Lucille: Oh, you’re high.
Oscar: You can win every argument like that, but that does not make you right.
Michael: Which one are you wearing right now? Is this the ready-to-burst model? Now, there’s zero trust here. Good-bye. It’s been fun... not.
Narrator: Michael had hoped something more dramatic would have come out of his mouth. Or at least more current.
[edit]

Hand to God [2.12]

Car Salesman: The Bronco’s been discontinued. We’re trying to shed that whole fugitive on the run thing. This is the Escape.
George, Sr.: What a fun name. May I test drive?
Michael: They don’t like Nip/Tuck?
George Michael: Well, you know, they don’t like anything. Something about God wants people to age naturally or, I don’t know. Ironically, she likes Gangee.
Michael: Mom, after all these years, God’s not going to take a call from you.
Gob: I did this. I think that the seal with the yellow bow tie might be the one that I released into the sea after giving it the taste for mammal blood.
Michael: Okay, you’ve got a better case than Mom does.
Michael: I did mean Maeby.
Tobias: She’s hardly a child, is she, Michael.
Lindsay: Yeah, and we know where she is. She’s with her debate club, and they’re on their way to Sacremende for the semifinals.
Narrator: She wasn’t. And a Google search of the word “Sacramende” only came up with this.
Officer Taylor: You know, we’re in a loving relationship, and just because we don’t have breasts does not mean we cannot nourish our child.
Judge Ping: Mr. Zuckerkorn, you’ve been warned about touching.
Barry: You said spanking.
Michael: Is this our little bundle of... two gay cops’ baby.
Gob: I think I’m responsible for Buster’s hand.
Maeby: Yeah, and I’m responsible for an $80 million movie without an ending.
Gob: Yeah, I know those problems seem big when you’re a kid, Maeby.
Lucille: [talking about Buster's new hook] And don't salute to him like that idiot guard.
[edit]

Motherboy XXX [2.13]

Michael: Buster, you can’t zip-line over there.
Buster: Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother’s Cher jumpsuit. You have to get on your knees to start it.
Michael: This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster.
Lucille: How the hell are you supposed to dance in here when it’s so hot? I’m so hot!
Buster: If you were hot, Mother, [Voice cracking] we would win!
Lindsay: Oh, God. Not that “I’m in love with my mother” dance thing. I’m so glad there wasn’t one of those for daddies and daughters.
Lucille: Of course they have father-daughter dances.
Lindsay: They do? He never took me?
Lucille: It was before we did your nose. Toodaloo.
Maeby: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the ‘T’ on it?
Michael: That’s a cross.
Maeby: Across from where?
Tobias: It’s a little late for talk, Lindsay. I’m a man of action now. [Grunts. Drops jar into trash.] You don’t need the calories. [Whispering] This isn’t working.
Lindsay: Is it my imagination, or is he more commanding and-and mannish? It’s, like, I don’t know, maybe I do want to be with him.
Maeby: Then you should go to him. For as it is written, you shall be with whom you have formed a more perfect union with under God.
Lindsay: She's right.
Maeby: [Whispering] This isn't working.
Wife of Gob: Wow. I mis-underestimated you.
[edit]

Immaculate Election [2.14]

Michael: So then, he’s more popular than George Michael?
Maeby: Well, that’s like comparing apples and some fruit nobody’s ever heard of.
Lindsay: If you weren’t all the way on the other side of the room, I’d slap your face.
Lucille: I just fired my housekeeper. But I’ve already found her replacement.
'Roomba whirrs mechanically
Lucille: It’s a robot.
Buster: I hate it. I miss Lupe.
Lucille: No, I won’t let you go down that road. I want you to be strong, and you don’t need the comfort of an immigrant in Mother’s old stirrup pants to make you feel that way.
Tobias (as Mrs. Featherbottom): Now take your “fun-fun.”
Maeby: This is my mom’s. And it’s Phen-phen. And it’s been banned by the FDA.
Tobias (as Mrs. Featherbottom): Oh, well, you should... [Singing] Always read the label / You should always read it well / In the most delicious way. /
[edit]

The Sword of Destiny [2.15]

Tobias: Although, if I may, let me take off my assistant’s skirt and put on my Barbra Streisand in The Prince of Tides ass-masking therapist pantsuit.
Gob: Hi. I need a tea to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick, want slow. Wait, that’s Indian.
Asian Man: Tea for dong!
Gob: Michael, if I make this comeback, I’ll buy you a hundred George Michaels that you can teach to drive!
Michael: It's the blood loss isn't it?
Gob: [Moaning] Probably, my socks are wet.
Lucille: My baby is sick. But Mother is here to nurse you.
Michael: Well, now I’m a little sicker.
Tobias: Or it could be your colon. I’d want to get in there and find some answers.
Tony Wonder: I guess we’ll see what you can do then.
Gob: I guess we will.
Tony Wonder: [Cries out sharply. Painful moaning.] Ow! Darryl! I told you to move that bleeping chair ten times. And clean the bleeping dumbwaiter while you’re at it.
Buster: Oh. I was really hoping for a graham cracker.
[edit]

Meet the Veals [2.16]

Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn’t ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren’t you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn’t ready to hear either.
Tobias (as Mrs. Featherbottom): Okay, who’d like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right. I forgot. Here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth.
Michael: We just call it a sausage.
Tobias: Hello, young lady. I haven’t seen you in a week.
Maeby: Oh, right. That means Mrs. Featherbottom isn’t here. Which means she didn’t iron my blouse, which means, I don’t have anything to wear for my premiere. The premier. Of Canada. He’s going out with my gym teacher.
George Michael: Is Franklin going to be there?
Gob: See that, Mike? Kids love Franklin.
George Michael: I just don’t want him to point out my “cracker ass” in front of Ann.
George Michael: Ann just called. They had a pre-dawn mass. Then they were going to mass, so...
Michael: Ann’s got a great deal of mass.
Mrs. Veal: What a lovely family.
Michael: Does it seem that way? Where’s Buster? He should help.
Maeby: Who’s the hottie?
Michael: This is Ann’s mother.
Maeby: Her? Does she look old enough to play Topher Grace’s mom?
George Sr.: Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.
Gob: (as Franklin the puppet) I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch!
George Sr.: (starts to choke Franklin) That's my wife, you bastard!
Gob: Dad, that's my wrist!

(as George Sr. chokes Gob}

Gob: Hey, that's his neck!
Narrator: And Lucille awoke, half in the bag.
Lucille: What am I doing in a Nordstrom bag?
George, Sr.: “...to love and honor your spirit and flesh. First, the flesh. I will caress and tweak. I will nibble and bite. I will blow alternatingly hot and cool...”
Lucille: They’re not going to let you in at the country club with that.
Buster: [As Franklin.] I don’t want no part of your tight-ass country-club, you freak bitch!
[edit]

Spring Breakout [2.17]

Maeby: I know what the shape of a banana reminds you of, and I know that when I say “nuts” it makes you giggle...
[College Kid #4 giggles.]
Maeby: ... but do you have any other response to “Here’s a banana with nuts?”
[College Kid #4 whoops loudly.]
Maeby: Why are we even going after this idiot demographic?
Lucille: You’re just a big chicken. Uh-coodle-doodle-doo... uh-coodle-doodle-doo, uh-coodle-doodle-doo... uh-coo...
Phillip Litt: Okay, everybody, gather around, gather around. Ladies, here’s the deal. We have hats. You have breasts. You show your breasts, you get a hat, okay? So, if anybody wants to get back at daddy... now’s the time. Whoo! Wait. Cut, cut, cut. We’ve got a surfboard in the shot.
Lindsay: Eileen! Stop it! You’ve got nothing to gain from that!
Eileen: That’s easy for you to say. You already have a hat.
George, Sr.: You never promise crazy a baby!
Kitty: Michael! Remember me? Perhaps this will jog your memory.
Michael: Let’s...
Cal Cullen: Oh, they’re crooked.
Lindsay: Stop it, stop it. This objectification of women has to stop.
Michael: It’s just Mom and whores.
Lucille: Oh, please. I’ve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub, it’s the only reason you’re here, too.
Michael: Hey, you’re mean sober, too.
Lucille: There was 250 cc’s of your father in that banana stand!
Michael: [Strained.] No touching.
[edit]

Righteous Brothers [2.18]

George, Sr.: Well, where the hell do you want me to go, Michael? Back to your mother’s? I believe there’s a freeloading loser in my bed.
Michael: You know, Buster lost a hand, Dad. He’s going through a lot.
George, Sr.: I’m talking about Oscar.
Gob: Why don