Chappelle's Show
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Chappelle's Show (2003-2005) is a sketch comedy series starring Dave Chappelle.
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Dave Chappelle
- It's not HBO. It's just regular ass TV.
- Click-it-tee clack! Click-it-tee clack! Here come some jokes!
- I'm Dave Chappelle, and I like internet porn. I like the boobies and I want to screw all them hoes!!!
- There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? Fuck that, son! That's just 'cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!
- You see, I think beer just brings out the animal in ya. Now, I know that beer companies sponsor the show - I ain't talking about them. *Them* shits is delicious.
- Man! Fuck that frog!
- [Urinating on a lawyer] And that's from the heart.
- Nigga how YOU gon make a video about pissin' on sombody.
- [After being shot by Wayne Brady] IT WAS MOONEY!
- How come they ain't found Biggie and 2-Pac's murderers, but they arrest O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap! I want justice, this whole court is out of order!
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As Rick James
- I'm Rick James, bitch!
- Come here, darkness.
- Brother darknesses! Look everyone darkness is spreading.
- I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time, one of the best singers and one of the best looking motherfuckers you've ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.
- I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!
- That was weeks ago mothafucka!
- What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP! That's cold blooded...
- They shoulda never gave you niggas money!
- Fuck yo couch, nigga! FUCK YO COUCH!!!
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As Clayton Bigsby
- Then Jasper said 'look here nigger, that there's my girl! If anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, its gonna be ME.'
- Let's talk about Chinese people! With their kung-fu and all that silly ching-chang-chong talk! I can't understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!
- I've written six books, they've published four.
- YOU WANNA SEE MY FACE!!
- Sir, my message is simple. Niggers, jews, ho-mo sexuals, mexicans, A-rabs, and all kinds a diff'rent chanks STANK and I HATE 'EM!
- I am in no way, shape, or form involved with any niggerdom!
- Woogie-boogie nigger! Woogie-boogie!
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As Tyrone Biggums
- Kids, Drugs are all around you."How will I know when drugs are around me ?" You might be asking. Well I'll Tell ya. Use them magic markers what you think them is, some kind of crayon...no. Sniff it and you will get hiiigh.
- [imitating Jordan Edward's "The First Rock"] He who is without sin, throwth the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
- ...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack. But it wouldn't be the last.
- Do ya know what dog food tastes like? Huh, Do Ya? It tastes just like it smells. Delicious!
- [hands full of money]Watch out Crack, here I come.
- I'm gonna tell you something about me, Joe Rogan, that you might not know: I smoke rocks.
- Is this the 5:00 free crack giveaway?!
- Crack and drugs have ruined my life!
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As Silky Johnston
- Very insulting what you said about my coat. It's made outta your mother's pubic hair.
- That, of course, was Beautiful talking. Beautiful on the weekends does stunts for Little Richard in gay movies.
- [while looking at a picture of P. Diddy] He looks like Malcolm X before he converted to Islam.
- We are the Time-Haters. We've traveled back in time... to call ya a cracker.
- What can I say about that suit that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan; It looks bombed out and depleted.
- Reach for the sky, honky!
- 'Honkey' is a racial epithet, used for white people. It was popularized by a man named George Jefferson in the 1970's...
- [After reiceiving the award for Player Hater of the Year] And as I sip my soda, that I'm sure somebody spit in, I just would like to say to all of you, kiss my ass you rotten mothafuckas, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and put some water in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.
- [Still looking at a picture of P.Diddy] He always says that he doesn't want anyone to see him shine. But the niggga looks shiny to me!
- [Looking at a picture of Rosie O'Donnell] Now that man there I'd hate to fight... 'cause she wears underwear with dick holes in 'em.
- Why don't you click your heels together three times, and go back to Africa.
- [After reiceiving the award for Player Hater of the Year] I hate you, I hate you, and I don't even know you and I hate your guts, I hope all bad things in life happen to you and nobody else, but YOU!
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As other characters
- Tiger Woods : So long fried rice, hello fried chicken. I love you Dad!
- Tiger Woods : I always wanted to say this... fer-shizzle.
- Tron : [On trial as the defendant] One, Two, Three, Four...Fif!
- Tron : America wanna see us live, not work. Look at me America, look at how Tron is livin' for the city. [holding up a wad of bills]
- Tron : Hey,who ordered the pizza.
- Tron : Night. Night. Keep yo butthole tight.
- Tron : I'm so glad to in the confessional booth...NIGGAS IS WHYLIN!
- Tron : You came in the house with six WILD niggas, THAT'S what you did...hey, hey, hey. "I'm I'm bleeding."
- Tron : Hey Chuck! I got your girl! Suck my...(TV fuzzes out)
- Tron : Katie got some big ass titties.
- Leonard Washington : Come on, get in the car. (pause) G-G-G-G-G-G-Get yo' ass in the car!
- Leonard Washington : G-G-G-G-G-G-Goodbye! If you need money, sell rocks. I heard that's what they do out here.
- Leonard Washington : My name's Leonard Washington. Where I'm from? A little town called None Of Your Goddamn Business.
- Leonard Washington : First of all, I think y'better watch your tone son. I'm Leonard Washington. I don't get butt naked for nobody.
- Leonard Washington : [after Grits 'n' Gravy rolls two sevens in a row] Boy you are tha' goddamn devil.
- Prince : How about you and your friends, versus me.. and the Revolution.
- Prince : Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
- President Black Bush : Write this down. M.A.R.S. That's right! Mars, bitches! Red rocks yeh yeh!
- Black Gallagher : I got warrants!
- Black Gallagher : You wanna smash some fruit! [pulls out gun] Well Black Ghallager don't do it like no punk BITCH! [shoots watermelon and, subsequently, crowd members]
- Samuel L. Jackson: [people are drinking his beer] Good motherfuckin' choice, motherfuckers! Samuel Jackson! Made painstakingly by me! Samuel L. Jackson! It'll get you drunk! You'll be fucking fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigger or two! MMM MMM, bitch!
- Samuel L. Jackson : No I can't stop yellin', 'cause that's how I talk! Ain't ya never seen my movies!? Juice, that was a good one. Deep Blue Sea! They ate me! A FUCKING SHARK ATE ME! DRINK, BITCH!
- Samuel L. Jackson: YES THEY DESEREVED TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!
- Dylon : I mean come on mon, who are the five greatest rappers of all time? [counting down on fingers] Dylon, Dylon, DYLON, Dylon, and Dylon. Cause I spit hot-FIRE!
- Dylon : A sugar cookie mon, this is crazy.
- Milk Man : How-dee-doo!
- Milk Man : Oh nigga please, nigga please.
- Milk Man : I know how you niggas are when it comes to payin' bills.
- Milk Man : Noooo, not that nigga. Tha Niggas!
- Milk Man : Alright, peace nigga.
- Milk Man : [After pretending to leave the house] NIGGERS!
- Angel: Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.
- Diddy: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going scuba-diving with Chris Tucker and Aquaman.
[Later]
- Diddy: Aight, only way I'ma open the studio up now, is ya'll gotta go up to Harlem and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant. I only drink the finest breast milks. (lowers shades). Go out there and milk me a Cambodian.
[Later]
- Diddy: This is the real shit! It's 100% Cambodian, yo. (knocks jars together) Breeeeeast milk... You made my daaaaaay...
- Diddy: If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.
- Yoda : Good blow, this is.
- Yoda : Get down, do you?
- Yoda : Yoda, that was not..... Mickey Rooney maybe? Over, this interview is..POOF!
- POPCOPY Guy : Now you're saying, what about the customers? Fuck 'em, that's what!
[edit]
Charlie Murphy
- So here comes Prince and his crew. And these cats...they're wearing the same clothes they had on at the club.
- So he took us inside and made us pancakes.[Pause]Pancakes.
- My name's Tyree, and yeah; I went to prison.
- So I walked into the club ya know, and I saw Rick James. He was actin' mad niggerish and that's right up my alley.
- I mean, you know where you got that shirt from. And it damn sure wasn't the men's department.
- Put on some lotion!
- Yeah, so I want to have sex with you.
- I'm standing there I'm thinking, "This nigga really has lost his fucking mind." First of all, you don't slap a man. Ok. I mean, even when slapping was fashionable, ya know, they did it in Paris, some guy would come up, "I challenge you to a duel." They would have a gunfight after that, somebody had to go!
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Other Guests
- Rick James: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
- Rick James: What's he gonna do, slap me back? I'm Rick James, he's Charlie Murphy.
- Rick James: See, I never just did things just to do them. Come on, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden jump up and grind my feet on somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on. I got a little more sense then that. [pause] Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddie's couch.
- P. Diddy: All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.
- P. Diddy: All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.
- Arsenio Hall: Damn! This some good ass cheese!
- Truck driver: Truck Driver? I ain't no Truck Driver! Man I just bought this truck cash. I got enough cigarettes fo' me an' my family fo' the rest of our lives. I'M RICH BIATCH! (honk honk)
- When keepin' it real goes wrong: Naw FUCK THAT! I don't like people playin' on my phone!
- Grits n' Gravey: I bought my momma a car, spent the rest of the money on PCP.
- Bill Burr: [On whites drafting Colin Powell] He's not even an eighth white.
- Chad: MAD REAL!
- Chad: Tyree.. you stabbed my dad.
- Donnell Rawlings: IT'S JAMES! THE NIGGER HATIN DOLPHIN!
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Dialogue
- "White Guy": I baked some brownies
- "Faze from the MAD Real World": They got weed in 'em?
- Chappelle: Who got the part...Nick Cannon? Who's Nick Cannon?
- Chappelle's Son: Dad, Nick Cannon is hilaaarious.
- Chappelle: Man fuck you son! I'm glad you think he's so goddamn hilarious 'cause he just walked off with your school clothes money. I'm broke nigga I'm BROKE!
Later
- Chappelle: Fuck Nick Cannon. Dave Chappelle!
- Chappelle's Son: He's hilarious.
- Chappelle:You know what you acting like a little bitch right now...oh what you gonna tell your mom that I'm CUSSIN IN THE HOUSE! SHIT!
- Dave Chappelle: Knock-knock...
- Audience: Who's there?
- Dave Chappelle: Some skits, biotch.
- Intervention Counselor: Harold, what time did you tell him to be here?
- Harold: 5:00. But he's always late.
- Rhonda: Oh, he'll be here. In 3, 2, 1...
- Tyrone Biggums: [bursts inside room] Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?
- Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?
- Rhonda: 'Cause the cops found you asleep in it high on crack!
- Tyrone Biggums: That's impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when you're high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.
- Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.
- Rick James: Do with him whatever you like.
- Charlie Murphy: Motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfucking window.
- Rick James: Cubbie, freeze!
- Charlie Murphy: You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face! [soft piano music playing... ]
- Rick James: I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?
- Charlie Murphy: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
- Rick James: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.
- Rick James: Bitch... Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.
- Rick James: I'm Rick James, bitch. [Rick claps twice]
- [breaking news report following the distribution of slavery reparations]
- News Reporter: So, what do you plan to spend your money on.
- Tron: [In fake, quivering voice] I'm going to re-invest it in the community.
- News Reporter: Well, that's -
- Tron: Psyche! I'm gonna spend it before y'all honkies change yo minds.
- Rick James: Charlie! There's a new joke goin' around. Have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face?
- Charlie Murphy: What?
- Rick James: [He slaps Charlie] SLAP!
- [at a meeting with police after turning self in]
- Police Commisioner: Now, you are a cocaine dealer, but you've done a lot of good for the community.
- Tron: I know. When it's Thanksgiving, I be passin' around turkeys like Neno Brown, baby!
- Police Commisioner: Of course!
- Tron: [dignified] But may I ask you gentleman, when I'm acquitted, can I continue to channel rocks throughout my community?
- Police Commsioner: [holding up tape recorder, non-sincerely] Ab-sol-ute-ly not! [winks]
- Tron: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, sellin' rocks would be bad.
- Leonard Washington: First of all you betta check ya tone. I'm Leonard Washington, and I don't get buck naked for nobody. You want this roll nigga den you gon have to shoot me.
- Rodney 'Quils' Jenkins: [shooting Leonard Washington in leg] OK
- Annoncer: Quils knows the law! Notice Rodney shot him below the waist so he cannot be charged with attempted murder.
- Leonard Whaington: [being carried away by Fuk Yu] This is why black people don't have nothin', it's just what they want us to do! Yo momma ain't shit!
- Charlie Murphy: Well, I gotta admit... Um... It was a good game.
- Prince: I wish I could say the same for you and your crew of flunkies. You guys want some grapes?... Bitches.
- Charlie Murphy: Hey Prince, you got a towel? It's kinda hot in here.
- Prince: Why don't you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
- [time-Haters]
- Silky Johnson: Reach for the sky, honky!
- Hater: Charlie Murphy: Honky?
- Silky Johnson: "Honky" is a racial epithet. It was made popular in the 1970s by a man named George Jefferson. You see, he and his wife owned a dry-cleaning business, so they moved on up to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky. They finally got a piece of the pie.
- Robert Petkoff: The blacks have won the coin toss, so they get to go first.
- Dave Chappelle: Wow, that's the first lottery a black person's won in a long time.
- Bill Burr: Yes, and they'll probably still complain. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Dave Chappelle: heh heh - man, fuck you.
- [from the Charlie Murphy / Prince True Hollywood story]
- Interviewer: What happened next after the game?
- Charlie Murphy: He took us back inside and made us pancakes.
- [Shot of Dave as Prince serving pancakes]
- Charlie Murphy: [pause, dead serious] Pancakes.
- Prince: [serving panckaes] Nice game, bitches.
- [Dave convinces Wayne Brady not to kill one of his prostitutes]
- Dave Chappelle: I gotta get some money man, I gotta go to the ATM, I ain't got no money.
- Wayne Brady: I'll get some money.
- [Dave rolls his eyes]
- Wayne Brady: Alright, right here.
- [Car is stopped in the middle of the street]
- Dave Chappelle: Well, where's the ATM at?
- Wayne Brady: We at it. Hey!
- [Wayne claps his hands and hits his car horn. Some prostitutes walk up to the car]
- Hooker: Hey, Daddy.
- Wayne Brady: Hos, dave. Dave, hos.
- Dave Chappelle: [Slightly starteled]Good evening, bitches.
- Hooker: It's been good tonight.[Hands Wayne Brady a wad of money]
- Wayne Brady: That's what I like to hear. That's, aww, that's nice.
- [Another hooker walks up to the car]
- Wayne Brady: Hey baby! Thank you. Alright, more power to me...
- [A third hooker walks up to car and hands Wayne Brady a $100 bill.]
- Wayne Brady:Alright,thank you baby, I oh...Rikella? What's this? Mr. Franklin's lonley, this...this is only...
- Rikella:Sorry, Daddy--
- Wayne Brady:What? What do you mean, "sorry, Daddy"? What in the hell do you just--
- [Wayne Brady drops his happy face]
- Wayne Brady: Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch? I'ma gonna have to get out this car and choke--I'm not violent, I try not to be...
- Dave Chapelle:Wayne, come on man, come on, no it's not worth it. Come on will you please! Please, man! Come on, just let it slide.
- Wayne Brady: [Exhales]
- Wayne Brady: You'd better thank Dave Chappelle. Go ahead, thank him.
- Hooker: Thank you, Dave. And I like your show.
- Dave Chappelle: RUN BITCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GET SOME HELP!
- [Wayne Brady takes Dave on a shooting spree]
- Dave Chappelle: Hey, hold up Wayne, I think you passed our turn. The restaurant's back that way.
- Wayne Brady: No, it's alright. Relax.
- Dave Chappelle: You gonna get some weed?
- Wayne Brady: Haha...no.
- Dave Chappelle: If you gonna get some weed, you holler at your boy. I know the spot.
- Wayne Brady: Hold on.
- Dave Chappelle: Alright...
- Wayne Brady: Heh...there he is...
- Wayne Brady: Brace yoself fool!
- Man exiting club: AWW SHIT!! IT'S WAYNE BRADY SON!!
- Wayne Brady: [firing an AK-47 from his car window] RIVER SIDE MOTHER FUCKER! HA HA!!
- Dave Chappelle: You just shot people, Wayne! Those were people you shot! Nigga you got a daytime Emmy you ain't supposed to be doin' this shit.
- Wayne Brady: Dave you're too tense, you need to relax, Here [handing Chappelle a crudley fashioned tin foil pipe] smoke this. [Chappelle shakes his head muttering] Come on smoke it [Chappelle still refusing] This is not an option nigga, if you do not smoke this we have a problem. [Chappelle reluctantly takes the pipe] Ain't no god damned afta' school special nigga, smoke it!
- Wayne Brady: Dave, I didn't know that you liked to get wet.
[Dave looks at him puzzled] Wayne Brady: [laughs] That's PCP, angel dust, Sherman Helmsley, love boat, Ashy Larry... [echoes in to hallucination of Negrodamus] Negrodamus: White people love Wayne Brady, because he makes Bryant Gumble look...like Malcolm X.
- Prosecutor: What if I told you that the accusers correctly described Michael's penis to investigators?
- Dave Chappelle: Sir, I have never seen Michael's alleged penis, but I bet you that I can describe it all right? Let me guess... there's a head, a shaft, some balls, hair - maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it.
- Prosecutor: That's correct.
- Dave Chappelle: Whoa... how'd I know? Come on dude, I couldn't pick my own penis out of a line up, all right? And me and penis is like this, son.
- [Black Bush]
- Black Bush: He tried to kill my father, man. I don't play that shit.
- Advisor: Say word he tried to kill your father, son.
- Black Bush: (grabs microphone) THE NIGGA TRIED TO KILL MY FATHER!
- [Black Bush presenting case for war]
- Black Bush: The nigga bought aluminum tubes! Do I need to tell you what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube? ALUMINUM! That don't scare you? Fine. I didn't want to have to say this but...the motherfucker bought some yellowcake, OK? In Africa. He went to Africa and he bought yellowcake.
- Advisor: [The cradle of mothafuckin' civilization!]
- Reporter: Are you sure?
- Black Bush: Yes I'm sure, bitch!
- [Black Bush at a press conference]
- Reporter: What about people who say you are only interested in the Middle East for oil?
- Black Bush: What? Huh? Oil? Who said something about oil, bitch you cooking?
- Black Bush: U.N. you have a problem with that? You know what you should do, you should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. OH! WAIT A MINUTE! YOU DON'T HAVE AN ARMY! I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up, that's what I'd do if I didn't have an army. I would shut the fuck up. [Speaking each word into a different microphone] SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
- Black Bush: I got a coalition of the willing. I got 40 nations ready to roll, son!
- Reporter: Like who?
- Black Bush: Who the fuck said that? Huh? Huh? Like who? England. Japan's sending Playstations. Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad. Riggity Row is coming. Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation. So, I'm not doing this by myself, and I'm not disrespecting the UN, even though they don't got no army. Go sell some medicine, bitches! I'm trying to get that oil...[coughs, trying to cover up saying oil] hole!
- Leonard Washington: Sorry baby, I don't go south of the border. It's just one thing that Leonard Washington don't do.
- Katie: But Leonard, it's OK, I'm waxed.
- Leonard Washington: Damn! Now I done heard of trimmin' the hedges, but you done scortched the earth!
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External links
