Artemus Ward

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Artemus Ward was the nom de plume of Charles Farrar Browne, (April 23, 1834 - March 6, 1867), an American humorous writer.

Contents 1 Sourced 1.1 Artemus Ward, His Book (1862) 2 Attributed 3 External links

Sourced

• I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.
  • Fourth of July Oration

• The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.
  • Fourth of July Oration

• I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.
  • Artemus Ward, His Travels, Lecture (1865)

• Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?
  • Artemus Ward, His Travels, The Census

• The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.
  • London Punch Letters, No. 5 (1866)

• Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?
  • Moses, the Sassy

• Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with.
  • Natural History

• The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.
  • A Mormon Romance, ch. 4

• They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.
  • At the Tomb of Shakespeare

Artemus Ward, His Book (1862)

• I now bid you a welcome adoo.
  • The Shakers

• ...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.
  • The Shakers

• My pollertics, like my religion, being of an exceedin' accommodatin' character.
  • The Crisis

• N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.
  • A Visit to Brigham Young

• The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.
  • Woman's Rights

Attributed

• I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

• My wife is one of the best wimin on this Continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb with mint sauce.

• The happy married man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all - he sort of rots away, like a pollywog's tail.

• They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them.

• Why don't you show us a statesman who can rise up to the emergency, and cave in the emergency's head?

External links

• Works by Charles Farrar Browne at Project Gutenberg
• Works by Artemus Ward

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fr:Artemus Ward