Cheap Seats

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Contents

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Season 1

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Mid-South Wrestling 1980

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Stanford-Cal: The 1982 Big Game

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Wide World: Part 1

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Garvey/Bonilla Celebrity Night

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1997 Spelling Bee

- "It's OK, kid. Spelly The Bee says, not everyone can win. Someone has got to lose, and that someone just happens to be you." - Spelly The Bee

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1978 World's Strongest Man

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Superdogs! Superjocks

  • Jason: "By the laws of the label super, these dogs should all have one fatal weakness."

Randy: "For Superman is was Kryptonite."
Jason: "For the Supersonics it was Vin Baker."
Randy: "For the Superfreak it was crack cocaine."
Jason: "And for these superdogs, it may just be their superjock counterparts."

  • Jason: "Ok who calls great athletes, superjocks."

Randy: "Super dorks."

  • (Talking About Mikey Conley) Randy: "Why's he so mad? He said you cannot bring that camera on my lawn uh uh."
  • (Talking About Bill Johnson) Jason: "Me!, A Superjock!"
  • Barry Tompkins: "You know Willie what strikes me is there's a derogatory term that we sometimes use in regards to athletes..."

Jason: "Please don't"
Barry Tompkins: "they got a little dog in 'em"
Jason: "Ah you did"
Randy: "Ahhh"

  • Willie Gault: "If they would compete in the Olympics, maybe they would win gold medals to".

Jason: "But dogs can never compete in the Olympics because they're dogs."

  • Randy: "Well at least this event isn't biase in favor of Lundquist, an Olympic swimmer."
  • Randy: "Baby got, Baby got back."

Jason: "And lots of it."

  • "He's dragging the dog. Who the hell is this guy Ike Turner?" - Randy

- Randy: Uh that's not a word-a-ly." Jason: "Uh actually Ran it is."

- Jason: "Alright settle down lady it's not the NBA Finals."
Randy: "Is this crowd even in the same place as this event."
Jason: "Are they even in the same season as this event."
Randy: "Yeah it's like late Fall in the stands."

- Annoucer: "Everyone loves watching Superdogs! Superjocks! right."
Girls: "No!"
Annoucer: "Well now you can play it anytime you want. It's the Superdogs! Superjocks! Home Game here."
Girl 2: "Awesome."
Annoucer: "You can choose to be your favorite Superjock."
Girl 2: "I don't want to be Steve Lundquist."
Girl 3: "I don' want to be Steve Lundquist either."
Annoucer: "Kids, no one wants to be Steve Lundquist, not even Steve Lundquist. That's why every game comes with an extra Mike Conley, in his swimming attire."
Girl 1: "Wow, is that real spandex".
'Annoucer: "It sure is and it smells like him to".
(Girl 1 sniffs)
Annoucer: "The rules are simple. Each player is dealt five cards from the yellow deck. Then the player sitting second closest to the yellow deck, rolls three dice. Move the amount of spaces equal to the side of the red die facing away from you. If the total on your next roll is less than the age of your dog in human years, times two, you earn the right to draw two happenstance cards from the doogie deck. Move five spots if you draw a Willie Gault card but if your other card is a Loch Ness Boombox, it cancels your move and lets other players rub your dog's nose it in. It's that easy! Superdogs! Superjocks! The Home Game. Guaranteed to be a whole lot of dog gone fun. Cards, dice, board sold seperately, dogs not included."

  • Jason: "Dog looks good."

Randy: "Yeah, did he just come back from a Summer tour with The Dead."

  • Randy: "Yes he's ready, that's why he's choking himself to get going."
  • Randy: "That's not fair he's bionic."
  • Randy: "I like how the crowd is roped off."

Jason: "Yeah that's so they won't leave."

  • Jason: "Ohhh, Jackie Smith of dogs."
  • Bob: "Well you know as a former footballer myself, just in college"

Jason: "It wasn't a major college, E3, E4 really. Actually it was Juco. Not even it was a leauge. "Well not a leauge just a group of guys that got together. It was flag football, I was 10, 11 maybe. And it wasn't football it was kickball. Used go with my dad. Well I went alone he dropped me off. My parents were divorced, my mom worked three jobs. I get sad when I see parents hugging their kids but enough about me, nice fresibe toss."

  • Jason: "Yep she's refusing to finish the race. Who is she Scottie Pippen's dog?"
  • Jason: "Awww, what a loser."
  • Jason: "There's was a love that was not allowed to florish. Socity said no but their hearts said yes, tonight on The Hump."
  • Jason: "Don't let him touch that,dont!. He's just a baby!"
  • Jason: "Hey, it's the Loch Ness Boombox!"
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Superstars 1978

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Wide World, Part 2: Real Men

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1994 World Series of Poker

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1979 Oilers vs. Redwings

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1990 Dog Show/1990 Cheerleading

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1992 Bowling/1997 Running of the Bulls

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Wide World, Part 3

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1995 Strongman/1996 Ms. Galaxy

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1992 NFL Billiards/1986 Darts

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Wide World 4

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Bullriding/Lawnmower Racing

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Putt-Putt

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1973 Superstars

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ICW Wrestling

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1994 Spelling Bee

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High School Cheerleading

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1986 Roller Derby

- Ed Helms: "Who are you that you are not suicidal? Because I don't like you, and how can you like yourself?"

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Season 2

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Best of Cheap Seats Season 1

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Creative Breaking Championships/K-1 Fighting

- Crow T. Robot: You know, this is just a great idea - a cable show where you make fun of other people's videos.
Tom Servo: Shameless!
Mike Nelson: It'll never last.

- "These guys are Smurfs, right?" - Crow T. Robot

- "With any luck at all, Gamera will come down and smite them both!" - Mike Nelson

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Outdoor Games 2000

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Scrabble 2003

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Pimping Your Pet

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1998 World Series of Poker

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1988 National Finals Rodeo

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Gimmick Sports

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1980 MLB All-Star Game

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Wide World 5

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1995 SuperDogs/Superjocks

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Fun in the Sun

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1976 ABA All-Star Game

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1978 Superteams


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Season 3

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2004 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

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1995 Spelling Bee

  • Jason: "Today we're going to revisit one of our favorite nonsports.

Randy: The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee.
Jason: Where kids just get to be kids.
Jason: Who are put on a stage in front of a Nationally televised audienace and asked to spell words that would make a dictionary editor wet his pants.
Jason: Remember most of these kids are only 12 or 13.
Randy: And at a puberal age your number one goal is just to fit in.
Jason: Wait a minute, what was that word you just said.
Randy: Puberal
Jason: Ah what's the language of origin please?
Randy: It's Latin.
Jason: Definiation please.
Randy: Puberal. Of or relating to puberty. Puberal
Jason: Could you use it in a sentence please?
Randy: You were pretty damn ugly when you were puberal.
Jason: Yeah well you were puberally pathetic. I didn't know you were in a mariachi band.
Randy: Well I looked like you ok, so whose laughing now huh. Spell the word.
Jason: Puberal...P.U.B.E.R.R.A.L. Puberal. (ding)
Randy: Oh sorry. This must be bringing up alot of stuff for you?
Jason: No it's not.

  • "Spelling, spelling words on the dance floor. Spelling till you cant even spell no more. Spelling on a Sunday afternoon." - Sklar Brothers
  • Randy: Who's next to Cameron?

Jason: He's intern.
Randy: I thought interns in Washington liked to work under the desk. Folks!!

  • "Mcnuff!!" - Sklar Brothers
  • "McHell Yeah" - Randy
  • Patrick Mcnuff: Can you use it in a sentence please.

Randy: Ok cilantro as in seriously dude you've never heard of cilantro.

  • "Mcnuff, Mcstalling." - Jason
  • "Ok he's got this one in the Mcbag." - Jason
  • Cameron: Ladalled a cream sause over the gnocchi.

Randy: I did it all for the gnocchi!! The gnocchi!!
Jason: Come on
Randy: So you can take that cookie!!! And stick it up your..!!!
Jason: Alright thats enough.

  • Cameron: Succedaneum

Jason: Cameron you dirty bird.
Sohini Ramachandran: Succedaneum
Randy: Man, when your word is almost a complete sentence, you know your in trouble.

  • "Dear lord explain to me why I get this word and Mcnuff gets cilantro. And i want a playstation 2 for chirtsmas. Ahem." - Jason
  • Sohini: Succedaneum. S.

Randy: She's got it.
Sohini: C.C.
Jason: She's got it!
Sohini: D
Jason: She's got it!!!
Sohini: A. N. I
Sklars: uuuuh!!!
Randy: No Playstation for you.

  • Jason: And Even though things are getting interesting, its hard to pick a clear favorite.

Beamy: Hey guys, I have a favorite.
Randy: Beamy
Jason: Beamy! Our favorite Cheap Seats beam. What are you doing?
Beamy: Well you know, just hanging out watching the bee having a little gin.
Randy: That's a little weird.
Beamy: Yeah i guess im off the wagon.
Jason: Ok well who's your favorite in the 95 bee?
Beamy: Well i got alot of money riding on Justin Carroll.
Randy: Wait, you bet on this?
Beamy: Yeah i used to have kind of a bad gambling problem. So i guess im off that wagon to.
Well see you guys later.
Jason: Ok wow seeing a new side of Beamy here.
Randy: Well lets get back to the action and see if he's right.

  • Randy: Who's the cutest little speller in the world?

Sklars: Gooy! Gooy! Gooy!

  • Wendy Guey: Y

Jason: Cos I said so, damn it.


  • "Oh!! Piano man went off!!" - Jason
  • Randy: "The Vindicator is a newspaper."

Jason: No, it's Vin Diesel's website. He's really into spelling.

  • Randy: What! I wouldnt have expect spelling bee contestant among her eariler work.

Jason: I heard she beat out Jill Kelly and Kobi Tai during the regionals.

  • Cameron: The hiemal weather tooks its total on Vera's old house.

Jason: And that's when the gardener showed up.

  • "Is he trying to hear Cameron through the microphone." - Jason
  • Randy: Well things are really heating up Justin Carroll is on...

Beamy: You know what is is f*cking heating up.
Sklars: Whoa!
Jason: Ok
Randy: Beamy
Jason: Relax man
Beamy: Hey what Iam relaxed what are you talking about?
Randy: are you drunk?
Beamy: Hey beep damn right Im drunk i got 15 grand riding on this thing.
Jason: Alright guys you know what can we loss the beam effect.
Randy: Yeah this is really uncool you dont just show up to work drunk Jon.
Beamy: Whoa who's Jon. My name is Beamy.
Jason: Alright fine Beamy! You obvisouly have a drinking problem, you very clearer have a gambling problem you need help. I dont know how much more clearly we can spell it out for you. Beamy: Well maybe i can spell it out for you. S P E..F*ck you.
Randy: Alright
Jason: oh Come on! Cut him off
Beamy: Cut you off
Randy: Get him some coffee.
Beamy: You go coffee
Jason: Alright we'll be back after this.
Beamy: You..I..You be back.
Sklars: We will be back
Randy: Actually
Beamy: Good maybe when you come back you (Beep!)
Jason: Oh come on!
Randy: What?

  • "Ow! my face the smilings killing me. Stop clapping! stop clapping damn you!" - Jason
  • Katie: So what are you going to do now with your winnings and now that your the National Spelling Bee Champion.

Jason: I'll probably buy some friends. Kids can be pretty shallow.

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Women's Sports (Bass-N-Gal, Boxing, Ann Meyer NBA Tryout)

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Kids Putt-Putt/Double-Dutch Jump Roping

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1999 Ultimate Heavy Athletics/ All Ireland Hurling Match

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1989 Holiday Bowl: BYU vs Penn St.

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1995 H.S. Slam Jam/2003 NHL SuperSkills

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1996 U.S Poker Championships

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Cheap Seats On the Road: Busch Stadium

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1998 Louisville Kennel Club Dog Show / 2003 World Beard and Mustache Championships

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1977 Superstars

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Cheap Seats on the Road: A Fan's Couch

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1996 Spelling Bee Part 1

  • "Bee the sh*t out of this motherfu*ker!" - Sklar Brothers
  • "Now he's just making sh*t up." - Jason
  • "I knew I should have spent more time going over my poisons damn it." - Randy
  • Randy: "Is he on his knees."

Jason: " It's dorf on spelling."

  • "Are there any phonebooks for this kid to stand on." - Jason
  • Jason: "And next to him are the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders."

Randy: "Damn you tight shot!" Randy: "Damn papparazzi!"

  • "I love you microphone" - Randy
  • Jason: "What did I tell you about wearing shorts?"

Randy: "No one can see." Jason: "I can."

  • Randy: "Man when Jamie Foxx researches a role he really goes all out."

Jason: "Georgia!"

  • "Alright enough fu*king around is it or is it not french." - Jason
  • (Making fun of Abbie Dick)

Jason: "Think this girl got teased when she was a kid."
Randy: "Sure being from Hedgesville and all."
Jason: "What's up Hedgehead."
Randy: "Hedgehog."

  • Randy: "She was probably preoccupid with trying to find a husband so she could take his last name.

Jason: "Although if she marries Luther Head and they decide to hyphenate, you got problems."

  • "The voices in his head must be really funny." - Jason
  • Rebecca: "Che"

Jason: "ah"
Rebeeca: "ve"
Jason: "oh"
Rebecca: "lure"
Jason: "And people are already leaving."

  • Rebecca: "C"

Jason: "whoa"
Rebecca: "h"
Jason: "ok"
Rebbeca: "e"
Jason: "yeah."
Rebecca: "v"
Rebbeca: "e"
Jason: "Inside voice Rebecca."
Rebbeca: "l"
Rebecca: "u"
Rebecca: "r"
Rebecca: "e, I'm I correct?"
Jason: "I wanna say no."

  • "Raise the roof b*tches." - Jason
  • Randy: "Where the hell is she going?"

Jason: "Back to Jupiter."

  • Randy: "You know this guy is kicking himself for not bringing his tripod."

Jason: "Or for wasting four years in film school for this."

  • Randy: "What the hell is he doing below the camera line."

Jason: "They won't even show it. It's like Elvis on Sullivan."

  • Jason: "What do you think imaginary spelling dinosaur."

Randy: "Well I think your fu*king crazy Rebecca."

  • "Here's an alternate pronunciation. Spell the fu*king word!" - Jason
  • "Mmm this microphone smells like words. - Jason
  • "Promise me microphone that whatever happens you'll still love me and my imaginary dinosaur." - Jason
  • "Will Rebecca Sealfon spell erythema right and move on in the Bee? Will Ron Parker reclaim the show for his own? Will Randy and Jason be out of a job? Will Gia learn to love again? Will there be a season four of Cheap Seats? Find out on Season four of Cheap Seats to find out." - Annoucer
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