Chris Rock

Comedian

"I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "we gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on earth, they're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks."
- Source: Chris Rock: Never Scared, on HBO

"White man makes guns, no problem. Black rapper says, 'Guns' there's a Congressional hearing."
- Source: Chris Rock: Never Scared, on HBO

"If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue, he'll probably suck your dick."

"Black people dominate sports in the United States. 10% of the population and 90% of the final four."

"Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95."

"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."

"Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow." -(At the Academy Awards as Host)

"The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!" -(At the Academy Awards as Host)

"Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one."

"A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

"Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin' the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!"

"You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz." -(At the Academy Awards as Host)

"They spinning nigger, they spinning!"
- (Talking about rims, "Never Scared" on HBO)

"That tiger didn't go crazy, That tiger went tiger!"
- (Talking about circus tiger that attacked Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy, "Never Scared" on HBO)

"George Bush hates midgets."
- (At a Concert supporting Katrina Relief. In refrence to Kanye West's comment)

Yo wassup! This is Chris Rock and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everthing in the motherfuckin' club! We got to church in the club! We never leave the motherfuckin' club! We pay our taxes in the club! We got to library in the club!
- (In Lil Jon's CD Crunk Juice: Track 15.)

Attributed

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."