Columbo

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Columbo (1971-1978, 1989-1994) was an American crime fiction television show about Lieutenant Columbo, a homicide detective with the Los Angeles Police Department.

1 Pilot TV Movies
- 1.1 Prescription: Murder
- 1.2 Ransom For a Dead Man
2 Season One
3 Season Two
4 Season Three
5 Season Four
6 Season Five
7 Season Six
8 Season Seven
9 Season Eight (1989)
10 Season Nine (1989)
11 TV Movies (1990-2003)
12 Cast
13 External links

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Pilot TV Movies

[edit]

Prescription: Murder

Flemming: Oh, Doctor, I'm the patient's husband. Is she, is she alright?

Doctor: I'm sorry. She passed away.

Flemming: Did she...did she say anything?

Doctor: If it's any consolation, the one thing she said was your name.

Columbo: I was wondering, Doctor. Would you take me on as a patient?

Flemming: Take you on as a what?!?

Columbo: No, I mean it. Maybe you can help me. I don't know that- There must something wrong with me. I seem to bother people. I seem to make them nervous and maybe you could tell me why.

Flemming: You never stop, do you?

Columbo: What?

Flemming: The insinuations, the change of pace. You're a bag of tricks, Columbo, right down to that prop cigar you use.

Columbo: Oh, come on, Doc.

Flemming: I'm going to tell you something about yourself. You think you need a psychologist. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but you are a textbook example of compensation.

Columbo: Oh, what, Doc?

Flemming: Compensation. Adaptability. You're an intelligent man, Columbo, but you hide it. You pretend you're something you're not. Why, because of your appearance you think you can't get by on looks or polish, so you turn a defect into a virtue. You take people by surprise. They underestimate you. And that's where you trip them up.

Flemming: You know, sometimes I get the impression you think I killed my wife.

Columbo: You? Oh no, Doc. How could you? You were out of town.

Flemming: I'm glad you remembered that. Unless you think I hired someone to kill her. The boy who confessed, maybe I paid him to do it.

Columbo: No, Doc. You didn't do that.

Flemming: How do you know?

Columbo: I already asked him.

Columbo: Uh, I'm sorry. I was, uh, I was just thinking about somthing.

Gordon: What was that?

Columbo: No, it's nothing important. It's, uh, Dr. Flemming, he didn't call to his wife when he came back to his apartment.

Gordon: I don't follow you.

Columbo: Oh, well, I was in the bedroom. I was checking some things and I heard him open the front door and he didn't say anything. Gee, it's funny how people are different, isn't it? Now you take myself. When I come home from a trip, uh, first thing I do is I say, "Honey, you here?"

Gordon: [annoyed] Exactly what is your point, Lieutenant?

Columbo: Point? Well, I wasn't making a point.

[edit]

Ransom For a Dead Man

Columbo: Mrs. William, you have no conscience and that's your weakness. Did it ever occur to you that there are very few people who would take money to forget about a murder? It didn't, did it? I knew it wouldn't.

Leslie: You know Columbo, you're almost likeable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks.

Columbo: Me? Tricks?

Leslie: The humility, the seeming absentmindedness, the homey anecdotes about the family, the wife, you know.

Columbo: Really?

Leslie: Yeah, Lt. Columbo fumbling and stumbling along but it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that more often than not he's successful.

Leslie: Lt. Columbo?

Columbo: Yeah?

Leslie: Thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.

Columbo: Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

Agent Carlson: Let's understand this one thing. If you start harassing this woman I'm going to take it upstairs.

Columbo: Um, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. It's like this. This is not just a kidnapping. This is a murder now and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya around.

Columbo: Did she ask where the body was?

Agent Carlson: No.

Columbo: I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't ask how her husband was killed, did she?

Carlson: No.

Columbo: That's what I thought.

Leslie: Now, when their attorney cross examines you about the accident, cry.

Client: About what?

Leslie: Everything, especially when he asks you how fast you were going when you hit their car.

Columbo: Say, you know the soap you have in the bathroom, the ones shaped like little lemons?

Leslie: Yes.

Columbo: Well, I was almost afraid to use them.

Leslie: But that's what they're there for, Lieutenant, to be used.

Columbo: Well, if you don't mind my asking, when you use one and you put it back in the plate, how do you keep it from sticking to the others?

Leslie: It's a problem.

Columbo: That's what I figured.

[edit]

Season One

[edit]

Murder By the Book [1.1]

Columbo: Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.

Ken: Naw!

Columbo: Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

Ken: That's a provocative statement. Can you prove that?

Columbo: Yes. Not with the witness 'cause you killed the witness. But I got another way to prove it.

Ken: Will you enlighten me? I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand.

Columbo: So you don't think I'm going to be able to find a cabin to rent, huh?

Ken: Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people.

Columbo: Uh huh. Because I think it would be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks.

Ken: [laughs] Yeah.

Ken: Now, wait a minute. You, you look like you're troubled. Is there some reason for your question?

Columbo: Uh, it's your mail.

Ken: My mail?

Columbo: Isn't it funny how people are different? Now, me, if I found my partner dead I'd never think of opening my letters.

Ken: But I-I-I just did it to distract myself. I mean you gotta remember one thing. That's a great shock.

Columbo: Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

Columbo: I don't understand.

Ken: Well, that's painfully obvious. One of these men had Jim killed.

Columbo: Really? Why?

Ken: Tell me something -- how long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant? Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that. [snaps his fingers]

Columbo: Look, I, I wanna take all the help I can get.

Ken: I'll tell you something, Lieutenant. See, if Mrs. Melville were on this case, oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.

Columbo: Is that the lady in the books?

Columbo: You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth. For awhile there I never thought I was gonna get you. Believe me, you had me going in such circles. I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I thought of something-- how clever that first murder was--the phone gimmick, working in late in the office. Brilliant!

Ken: Are you awarding gold medals today?

Columbo: Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

[edit]

Death Lends a Hand [1.2]

Arthur Kennicut: What would you have done if the car hadn't broken down? You couldn't set up this trap.

Columbo: Well, I guess we would have found some other way. You know what this place reminds me of, just seeing all these cars? You know, in our neighborhood we had a bunch of jokers. I mean we were a real loud bunch of guys and we figured out a perfect way to put a car out of commission. You take a potato, you stick it in the exhaust pipe. Doesn't cause any damage but the car won't start. It was a terrible thing to do. And I got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all those jokes I played when I was a kid.

Columbo: I was just wondering because your beach house and his beach house, they're fairly close, aren't they?

Brimmer: No. It's a couple of miles.

Columbo: That close! Isn't that a coincidence! I'll tell ya, this case is just full of 'em.

Columbo: Isn't that weird? What a coincidence!

Brimmer: What's that?

Columbo: Here a moment ago we were talking about lefthanded people and you're lefthanded.

Columbo: [During a lesson with the golf pro he's investigating] Listen, can I help you out? Don't say anything else. You don't have an attorney. Wait until you get an attorney. This way you can hurt your case. Believe me, I know something about my business. I don't know nothing about golf, you know. See, that's your business. I know something about my business. And believe me, you know, down through the years, uh, you get so that you, uh, you develop a nose for things, you see, and, uh, makes a perfect golf shot after a while the ol' nose just tells you when someone is not giving you the truth. Now, uh, I'm gonna forget about the lesson because I could never learn this game but I'll be back to talk to ya.

[edit]

Dead Weight [1.3]

Columbo': Well, if it was me, if it was my gun, I would take very good care of that gun. I'd have it in my apartment where people could see it. And I would keep it polished and I would keep it oiled. And I would keep it loaded. And when a certain Colonel Dutton came to see me and threatened to expose me, that's the gun that I would use.

Columbo: [At the exhibition of the General's war memorabilia] Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored. You know, I think it's almost too nice. I mean all that concern about clothes. It's kinda vain, don't you think?

Helen: Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look like an unmade bed.

Gen. Hollister: [aboard the General's boat] I don't see how a man with the name of Columbo, shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?

Columbo: Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

Gen. Hollister: Look! What do you see?

Helen: Your house.

Gen. Hollister: And in the window?

Helen: I can't see anything because of the reflection of the sun on the water.

Gen. Hollister: You know, you said you saw a shooting there about this same time of day.

Columbo: You know what strikes me? You're the one that downgrades yourself. One dinner with General Hollister and you begin to doubt your senses.

[edit]

Suitable For Framing [1.4]

Kingston: Wait a minute. You mean, you think the thief was a woman?

Columbo: One of them.

Kingston: ONE of them?

Columbo: Well, there were too many pictures there for one person to carry, don't ya think? And besides, the burglar alarm thing, you know, there's only one way to really beat that, is if you have somebody else from the inside open the door.

Kingston: I don't think I understand.

Columbo: You know what? That's the trouble. Neither do I.

Columbo: You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. I hope you don't mind.

Kingtson: Oh, that's your job. And?

Columbo: Uh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, alright. So that if Mr. Mathews was killed at 11:00 you sure didn't do it.

Kingston: Now, isn't that a shame? And here I am your best and most obvious suspect, too.

Columbo: Ah, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.

Columbo: Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?

Kingston: Yes.

Columbo: Quite a place!

Kingston: Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.

Columbo: That's right, it isn't. But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?

Kingston: [sarcastically] My, how observant you are!

Kingston: Alright, Lieutenant, you claim that I planted these paintings. Suppose you prove it.

Columbo: [looking at the fingerprint expert] Can we?

Expert: Yeah.

Columbo: [looking back at Kingston] Yeah. With fingerprints.

Columbo: Well, you see, he pulled the rug out from under you when he left his collection to Mrs. Mathews so you only had one thing that you could do -- murder him and blame it on her.

[edit]

Lady in Waiting [1.5]

[edit]

Short Fuse [1.6]

Doris Buckner: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police and he said he'd send over his very best man?

Roger Sanford: [looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?

Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.

Columbo: See, now there you go. You're looking at your watch again.

Roger Sanford: Will you do me a favor? Will you please keep quiet?

Columbo: Why? It's only a dumb theory of mine.

Columbo: You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find sometimes. Sometimes it's right in front of you and you can't prove it.

Columbo: Now you see, my problem with Chemistry, that started way back in high school 'cause in my junior year I, I had to get a better grade. So I said to heck with this Chemistry stuff. I'll take another year of wood shop. You know, you just build a birdhouse and if you paint it red you get an A.

[edit]

Blueprint for Murder [1.7]

[edit]

Season Two

[edit]

Étude in Black [2.1]

Columbo: Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this- How much do you make?

Benedict: I think that is very impertinent, how much do I make.

Columbo: Tours?

Benedict: I don't know.

Columbo: Concerts?

Benedict: I don't know.

Columbo: Publishing?

Benedict: I don't know.

Columbo: Well, et cetera, et cetera. I make $11,000 a year. I got $750,000 for the house, $8,000 in taxes, 200 in furniture. How much help do you have?

Benedict: I have five including the gardener.

Columbo: You got that and the money plus, plus, plus. 11,000 times 10 years, 110,000. 110,000 times 100 years is 1.1 million. Well, let's say 900,000. That's 90 years work for me just to live here, without eating.

Columbo: Listen Paul, do you happen to know the name of the other guy?

Paul Rifkin: I never asked.

Columbo: Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.

Columbo: Oh, listen, just one more thing. I know you don't agree but at least I've convinced my superiors that Jenifer Welles was murdered. It was not a suicide and they've officially assigned me to the case. That's my specialty, you know. Homicide.

Columbo: I happened to be in the neighborhood today. That's not true. I really came out here to see you. I don't want to appear presumptious.

Columbo: I can't imagine anyone murdering themselves, especially a young girl like that. Beautiful eyes. But that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.

Columbo: [looking at film, calls to projectionist] Freeze! [points to screen] There's the flower! Now that's plain as day! Where did it come from?

Benedict: I don't know. What difference does it make?

Columbo: Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?

Benedict: Are you actually tyring to pin this murder on me with, with that?

Columbo: Yes.

[edit]

The Greenhouse Jungle [2.2]

Columbo: You see that?

Jarvis Goodland: What is it?

Columbo: Third bullet. Also a 32-caliber and also proven by Ballistics to have been fired by the same weapon that fired the first two bullets. Mr. Goodland, I just don't know how you're gonna explain this.

Gloria: Look, I mean I said he wasn't a very strong person. But then who is? I mean, look at me. I eat carbohydrates all the time.

Sgt. Wilson: I asked permission from Captain Richey to work right along side you, sir.

Columbo: [dismayed] You're going to work along with me?

Sgt. Wilson: I do hope that's acceptable to you, sir. Uh, Captain Richey did say you were fast becoming [pause] a legend in the department.

Columbo: Captain Richey said that?

Sgt. Wilson: Oh yes, indeed.

Columbo: [pleased] Oh.

Sgt Wilson: Lieutenant-- Lieutenant? As you probably noticed, there are 3 cups, 3 plates, 3 different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.

Columbo: Yeah. Awfully obvious.

Sgt Wilson: Did you ever see one of these before, Lieutentant?

Columbo: Uh, no, not sure I have. Looks kind of familiar, though.

Sgt. Wilson: It's a camera mounted starlight scope. They use them quite a bit at Burglary for night work.

Columbo: You mean that takes pictures in the dark?

Sgt. Wilson: [nods] I bought this one myself.

Columbo: You used your own money?

Sgt. Wilson: Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.

Columbo: You must be a bachelor.

[edit]

The Most Crucial Game [2.3]

Columbo: Uh, sir?

Walter Cunnell: Yes?

Columbo: You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?

Walter Cunnell: No.

Columbo: What'd you pay for those shoes?

Walter Cunnell: I think about 60 dollars.

Columbo: I stepped into some water yesterday and ruined mine. You don't know where I could find a pair that looks like that for around 16 or 17?

Walter Cunnell: 16 or 17? Sorry, I don't really, Lieutenant.

Columbo: Thank you.

Paul Hanlon: Columbo, I'm trying to watch this game! What is it?

Columbo: You know, you did the same thing the first time I came in here last Sunday. I guess that's what started me wondering.

Paul Hanlon: I did what?

Columbo: You turned the radio down but not quite off. When I told you that Eric Wagner was dead. It's alright. I do the same thing. You know, when I'm listening to the game and my wife interrupts, I can't help myself. I want to hear that game and I don't care how the important the interruption.

Paul Hanlon: [annoyed] Your wife has my sympathy.

Columbo: You know, I listened to this thing I can't tell ya how many times, over and over again, figuring maybe I'd hear something that shouldn't be there, some sound that shouldn't be there, an ambulance, a fire truck, like you were in a phone booth, something...

Paul Hanlon: [impatiently] But you didn't because it isn't there. I made the call from this booth, from that phone.

Columbo: Then it suddenly occurred to me. I had it backwards. Maybe there was a sound that should be there and wasn't.

Paul Hanlon: [yelling] Columbo, I'm going to throw you out of here on your ear!

Columbo: I wouldn't do that, sir. I mean, you'll miss the best part. You see, I'm not finished.

[edit]

Dagger of the Mind [2.4]

Columbo: Is that Big Ben?

Superintendent Durke: Yes, it is.

Columbo: Well, look at that, a big clock like that and it´s only a minute slow.

Columbo: I just never have seen anything like you. Like that performance you both just gave...

Nicholas Frame: Thank you. I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy. No hard feelings?

Columbo: And you both must be exhausted. I don't know how you do it.

Lilian Stanhope: With innocent, loving hearts. Good night, Lieutenant.

Columbo: Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual. Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know, when my wife and I try to remember what happened yesterday or the day before, well, we don't agree on anything. And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the exact same words to tell about it. [pauses to let his words sink in] Good night.

Columbo: Marvelous. Let me tell ya, I don't want to repeat myself but the other night when I saw that performance that you two--

Nicholas Frame: Durk, would you please explain what we're doing here.

Superintendent Durk: [indicating Columbo] Why don't you ask the tour guide?

[edit]

Requiem for a Falling Star [2.5]

Columbo: [Nora has exchanged Columbo's tie with an attractive gold one] Yeah, I was thinking. Uh, I've got an anniversary coming up next week. I wonder if I could have that back and save this for a special occasion.

Nora: Sure, here. Why don't you get your wife to take you on a shopping tour for your anniversary, huh? Take a look at [looking down his body] some suits, some shirts, slacks, socks, shoes...

Mr. Fallen: Actors, Lieutenant. Take my advice. Avoid actors. They'll kill ya.

Columbo: Well, thanks Mr. Fallen. I'll be sure to tell your boss I appreciate your hospitality.

Mr. Fallen: I AM the boss.

Columbo: Oh, gee. You know it never occurred to me. I mean anybody so young--

Mr. Fallen: It's alright. I would never typecast you as a detective either.

Columbo: September 16, 1960. That was the day you ordered the fountain.

Nora: Well, I don't remember the exact day.

Columbo: September 15, the day before. That was the day your husband disappeared. Now it starts to make some sense. I have a possible explanation for why the fountain doesn't run. In order to lay water pipe somebody would have to dig up the lawn, wouldn't they?

[edit]

A Stitch in Crime [2.6]

Columbo: You were both nurses, is that right?

Marsha Talbot: Yes, but Sharon always was devoted to healing. She always worked in hospitals. Myself, I work in Beverly Hills for a plastic surgeon because I selfishly enjoy being with middle to upper middle class people. However, I don't meet any single men unless they're ready for face lifts.

Columbo: You know, in a way I have to congratulate you. Up until now, you really had me going. I mean, here you are, you're a surgeon, a man that's gotta be cool. Even when you're angry you're controlled. You never lose yourself. That's why it struck me funny when you blew up in the operating room and you grabbed me and pushed me. I mean, you know, there was only one thing we didn't search. You know what it was? It was me.

Columbo: It certainly looks like it's one on me, doesn't it? You know, I really believed it all fit together. All the pieces, everything. The killing of the nurse, everything. Well, it goes to show you, Doc, maybe I've been at this job too long. Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.

Dr. Mayfield: You'll be alright, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.

Columbo: Because that would explain why Miss Martin was so bothered after the operation and it would explain why she wanted to see the chemist at the company that made the suture. That's murder. That certainly is. No question about it.

Dr. Mayfield: [starts laughing]

Columbo: What's so funny?

Dr. Mayfield: Excuse me, Lieutenant. I had to play it as though you were serious. You don't really believe all those foolish things you say, do you?

Columbo: [angrily slams carafe down on desk] I believe you killed Sharon Martin and I believe you're trying to kill Dr. Heideman.

Dr. Mayfield: Lt. Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence. You have perception. You have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.

Columbo: I want you to take good care of Dr. Heideman because if he dies we're going to have to have an autopsy, aren't we? I mean, we're going to have to know whether a heart attack killed him or rather it was just a dissolving suture.

[edit]

The Most Dangerous Match [2.7]

Mazoor Berozski: [after discovering that the toothbrush in Dudek's suitcase is not his but his roommate's] Lieutenant, then Tomlin Dudek could not have packed his own suitcase.

Columbo: That's what I was trying to get around to, sir, yes. And if somebody else packed it who didn't know that he wore dentures then--

Mazoor Berozski: Then his accident was not an accident!

Columbo: I, uh, thought you'd like to know, sir, that, uh, I think that is a possibility, yes sir.

Columbo: The murderer just had to be a deaf man.

[edit]

Double Shock [2.8]

Columbo: [walking through a casino] How long has this been going on?

Dexter Paris: First time in Vegas, huh?

Columbo: Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws. We ended up in Animal Land. It was nothing like this.

Dexter Paris: When I talked to my brother Norman, I did tell him that Hathaway and Lisa Chambers were going to meet at 5:00.

Columbo: You did?

Paris: Yeah. Well, well, good ol' Norman, my banker brother. I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.

Columbo: I would tend to agree with that, yes.

Columbo: It's a shame that two brothers don't get along like that.

Hathaway: Which one of them do you suspect?

Columbo: I beg your pardon?

Hathaway: [laughs] Come now, Lieutenant.

Columbo: Well, sir, the trouble there is it seems to me they both have pretty good motives. I'm very big on motive.

Columbo: I'm sorry, Mrs. Peck, but I think this time they needed each other so much that they both did something very bad.

Mrs Peck: Bum! You are a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! [showing dish to lawyer] You see this!

Columbo: I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.

Columbo: Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you. I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant so I don't expect you to like me. But I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I, I, I don't know, I just can't correct that. I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy, that's my nature. But I've never been un-, I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck. And, and if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed the man you worked for for 33 years, well, then, well then I think you're a very unfair person. [leaves]

Mrs. Peck: Lt. Columbo! [Columbo returns] I know that you're a very hard-working officer and I would like to offer you a plate of Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.

Columbo: Thank you. I'm extremely fond of health cookies.

[edit]

Season Three

[edit]

Lovely but Lethal [3.1]

Columbo: They were written with a black eyebrow pencil. I spotted it right away because that's what my wife always uses when she makes out her grocery list. When she goes into her purse that's the only kind of pencil she can ever find.

Viveca Scott: Then you're wasting your time here, aren't you Lieutenant?

Columbo: What do you mean?

Viveca Scott: You're talking to a redhead. Brunettes use black eyebrow pencil.

Sergeant: Hey, Lieutenant! What are you lookin' for?

Columbo: Salt for my egg. I usually carry a shaker in my pocket.

Columbo: Say, Miss Scott? Can I ask you a personal question?

Viveca Scott: Yes.

Columbo: It's, uh, well, you know it has to do with these pictures. You always wear a beauty mark. Only, this morning you don't have it on.

Viveca Scott: Oh, is that all? It's just one of those things I never do before lunch time, darling. Bye-bye.

Columbo: No. What I was wondering about was, uh, how do you put those things on? I mean, do you stick 'em on or do you paint 'em on or, uh... [she just stares at him] Well, I can tell you're not interested and your mind's someplace else. Don't worry about it. I'll ask somebody else.

Viveca Scott: Oh, no, Lieutenant. I don't mind telling you. I use an eyebrow pencil, of course. A black one.

Columbo: Still trying to figure out where I got my poison ivy.

Viveca Scott: Poor thing. Still worried about your itch.

Columbo: Are you worried about yours?

Columbo: Where there's a microscope, there's always a slide.

[edit]

Any Old Port in a Storm [3.2]

Adrian Carsini: Tizian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red. And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.

Karen Fielding: [at a wine auction] Do you really need it, Mr. Carsini?

Adrian Carsini: Nobody really needs a $5000 bottle of wine, Karen. I just don't want anybody else to have it.

Columbo: You two didn't have a fight or anything, did you?

Joan Stacey: No, but...

Columbo: Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?

Joan Stacey: Three times.

Columbo: Three times? I guess his feet are warm enough by now.

Adrian Carsini: That's ironic.

Columbo: Sir?

Adrian Carsini: Well, I--I'm probably one of the few men in the world that could have told you that wine was spoiled and--and told you it was because it was overheated.

Columbo: Yes, sir. It required a very delicate talent.

Karen Fielding: You're trying to turn me back into an employee.

Adrian Carsini: You were never anything but an employee.

Karen Fielding: Not anymore, Adrian, not anymore. I'm your partner now. And I intend on getting a great deal more from you than 700 a month and two weeks paid vacation. I gave you twelve years of my life. Now it's your turn to give me something.

Adrian Carsini: You can't force me into loving you, Karen.

Karen Fielding: Maybe not. But you don't have to love me to marry me. Lots of marriages have been built on much less.

Columbo: I want you to teach me everything you know.

Wine Expert: It took me forty years to acquire my expertise.

Columbo: Well, what can you do in an hour and a half?

Wine Expert: Oh, just the very basics.

Columbo: Let's start with this-- How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?

Wine Expert: By the price.

Columbo: Do I get a confession, sir?

Adrian Carsini: Oh yes. I'll confess. There's no remorse attached to it. It's a great weight off my mind as a matter of fact.

Columbo: Why's that, sir?

Adrian Carsini: Well you see, Karen had guessed the truth. She was turning the thumbscrews on me. She's, uh, quite a little iron maiden, that lady. I guess freedom is purely relative.

Adrian Carsini: You've learned very well, Lieutenant.

Columbo: Thank you, sir. That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

[edit]

Candidate for Crime [3.3]

Nelson Hayward: I've been calling the papers. I called your commissioner's office from Fresno. But what's being done, Lieutenant?

Columbo: Uh.

Nelson Hayward: Sit down, sit down.

Columbo: So far, sir, we don't have a thing.

Nelson Hayward: Oh, that's disheartening.

Columbo: Officially, that is.

Nelson Hayward: And unofficially?

Columbo: Unofficially we don't have anything either.

Nelson Hayward: Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change in wardrobe?

Columbo: Oh no, no. Oh, well, every once in a while I think of getting a new coat. There's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fella.

Nelson Hayward: Looks very functional.

Columbo: Thank you.

[Columbo is at Hayward's swanky Beverly Hills tailor ordering a jacket]

Columbo: What I mean is, would it, uh, fit...

Mr. Chadwick: Would it fit your personality?

Columbo: My style, is what I'm...

Mr. Chadwick: Personality? Style?

Columbo: Right.

Mr. Chadwick: Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Columbo: You're sure?

Mr. Chadwick: Guaranteed you'll be most satisfied.

Columbo: Cause I want to look-- I'm going to an affair, you see.

Mr. Chadwick: Splendid, an affair!

Columbo: Yeah, my wife, she's in a bowling league. They're having this dinner dance. It's an annual thing. You know, $17.50 a couple. I want to look good.

Columbo: Would you believe it, the first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.

Nelson Hayward: [laughing] I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.

Columbo: What do you mean, sir?

Nelson Hayward: Nothing. It's a small joke.

Columbo: I dug this bullet out of that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago. [Long pause] You're under arrest, sir.

[edit]

Double Exposure [3.4]

Columbo: That's why the barrel and the chamber were clean when Ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter! I never figured on a converter.

Dr. Kepple: In that case I'm deeply grateful for one thing.

Columbo: What's that, Doctor?

Dr. Kepple: That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8 because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now. Otherwise I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.

Columbo: Well, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.

Dr. Kepple: I'll ignore that because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you personally are my alibi.

Columbo: And that's a tough nut to crack.

Dr. Kepple: That's not tough. That's impossible.

Columbo: Can anyone confirm that?

Mrs. Norris: No.

Columbo: No one at all?

Mrs. Norris: Nobody at all. Which means that I don't have what you call an alibi.

Columbo: Oh yes you do, Mrs. Norris. You were at the corner of Valley and Magnolia.

Mrs. Norris: With nobody to prove it.

Columbo: Well, I didn't say you had a good alibi but you do have an alibi.

Mrs. Norris: Lieutenant, I didn't kill my husband.

Columbo: I believe that.

Mrs. Norris: You do?

Columbo: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Norris: Why?

Columbo: My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies. She always picks the wrong murderer. I want to tell you something. If my wife decided to murder me she could come up with a better alibi than you got.

Mrs. Norris: Thank you.

Columbo: You're welcome.

Dr. Kepple: I know one thing, Lieutenant. You have to admit it. You never would have solved it without using my technique.

Columbo: That's right, Doc. If there was a reward I'd support your claim to it.

[edit]

Publish or Perish [3.5]

[Waiter hands Columbo a check]

Columbo: $6.00? Excuse me, uh, no, I think there's a mistake. I had the chili and the iced tea.

Waiter: Oh. [adjusts figure]

Columbo: $6.75?!

Waiter: I forgot the iced tea.

Eddie Kane: Oh hey, I made some drawings today for a chapter on Bouncing Betties. Did you find them?

Riley Greenleaf: What's a Bouncing Betty?

Eddie Kane: Antipersonnel mine. You gotta really plant these things just right. Now you see, you lay it down six inches, no more, and you leave the pressure plate with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves and the guy steps on it. Whammo! You get the legs! It's beautiful.

Riley Greenleaf: [looking at Kane like he's nuts] Oh yeah, that's, that's beautiful.

Riley Greenleaf: [intercom buzzes] Yes, Betsy?

Receptionist: Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man wondering around the editorial section. I thought you should know.

Riley Greenleaf: Well, what do you want me to do? If you want to get rid of him call the police.

Receptionist: That's just it, sir. He says he IS the police.

Columbo: Oh Mr. Chase! Uh, one thing. About that accident, do you happen to know who else was involved?

David Chase: It's a couple from Del Monte. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan. Why?

Columbo: Well, you see, I didn't know, uh, I just wasn't sure whether it was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and, uh, when, uh [looks over at Greenleaf] You know, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure whether there was just one person in the other car or whether there was more than one and when you said that you were relieved that THOSE people, more than one, that those people called your insurance man I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up and you were beginning to remember what happened.

David Chase: Perhaps he is. Subconsciously.

Columbo: That's probably it. His subconscious.

Columbo: In this synopsis which you gave me which you claim Eddie Kane wrote nine months ago, the hero saves his men and he goes off to live in a monastery. I hate to tell you this, sir. There is no way that Eddie Kane could have had that idea. It wasn't even Allen Mallory's. It was given to him by his agent Miss McRae. And for the life of me I cannot figure out how Eddie Kane could have written an ending nine months ago that was only invented last week.

Columbo: For $100,000 you don't kill off Rock Hudson.

Columbo: He's involving you in murder. Was that part of the deal?

[edit]

Mind Over Mayhem [3.6]

Columbo: That first day I couldn't give a hoot in hell about a thief. I was looking for a cigar smoker and there you were.

Dr. Cahill: All you have at the moment is a theory and right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.

Columbo: It's the same way at the institution that I work at, Doctor.

Dr. Cahill: Not making much progress, huh?

Columbo: I've got somthing. But, uh, motive -- it's uncertain and everybody's got an alibi. However, the world wasn't built in a day.

Columbo: The house was spotless except for that scuff mark on the living room door.

Margaret Nichols: I heard you noticed that. You're pretty observant.

Columbo: Some people say I'm snoopy.

Steve: What's his name?

Columbo: What? The dog? Well, he doesn't have a name. My wife and I, we could never agree on one. We just say Hey or Dog or whistle. Doesn't make any difference. He don't come when you call him anyway.

[edit]

Swan Song [3.7]

Tommy Brown: You knew I was coming up here?

Columbo: I knew. Then I didn't know. And then I knew.

Tommy Brown: Now why would anybody want to kill me?

Columbo: Mr. Brown, I don't know. But you are a celebrity and there are a lot of crackpots in the world and there's just no accounting for people's reactions. I mean sometimes I even wonder about my wife. Not that she's a crackpot.

Columbo: I noticed that the arrangement was changed.

Tommy Brown: You've got a good ear for music.

Columbo: Well, you know I'm Italian.

Roland Pangborn: Well, still be an awful lot of mountain to search for anything hidden or buried, a lot of mountain. Who could find it?

Columbo: The guy who hid it.

Columbo: Where did you first learn how to fly?

Tommy Brown: Lieutenant, I thought you knew my whole life history by now.

Columbo: Oh no, no. Uh, you know, people think we got all kinds of records on microfilms, all we gotta do is push a button and, uh...

Tommy Brown: Well, don't you?

Columbo: [pause] Yes, we do. But not everything.

Tommy Brown: And I guess this, all this looks kinda bad, huh? This big house and this party goin' on and everything?

Columbo: No sir, no sir. It's kinda refreshing. You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it. I mean they don't even call us in unless that's what it is, somebody dead. So naturally I see a lot of grief.

Columbo: Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.

Luke Basket: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That's good, isn't it?

Columbo: Um, yeah. That explains it.

Roland Pangborn: You know something, Lieutenant? I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.

Columbo: Oh no, thank you very much. You fellas, you have to fly.

Roland Pangborn: Sure. We're all pilots.

Columbo: Oh no, not for me, thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.

Roland Pangborn: Why? We'd teach you.

Columbo: I appreciate it, sir. But, uh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Tommy Brown: You're a sanctimonious hypocrite of a Bible-spouting blackmailer and I've given you your last chance to be fair!

Edna Brown: May God forgive me for letting a devil help me build a temple.

Tommy Brown: And what if your devil quits. What are you gonna do?

[edit]

A Friend in Deed [3.8]

Columbo: Commissioner Halperin says he found those jewels under your mattress.

Artie Jessup: That's crazy.

Halperin: You're a liar!

Artie Jessup: Hey, I don't even live here!

Halperin: What?!?

Columbo: I can verify that, sir. He doesn't live here. I live here.

Columbo: Commissioner, I believe you killed your wife. And I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.

Halperin: You just lost your badge, my friend.

Columbo: You must have a lot of those, sir.

Halperin: What?

Columbo: Gut feelings.

Halperin: What are you talking about?

Columbo: Well, you had a gut feeling last night.

Halperin: I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, last night?

Columbo: When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.

Halperin: Yes.

Columbo: I found out you asked for me when you first called in.

Halperin: I did.

Columbo: What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before. Yet from your bedroom window when you called in, you asked for me. I was just trying to figure out how you knew the woman was already dead.

[edit]