Dave Chappelle
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Dave Chappelle born 24th August 1973, Washington, District of Columbia, USA
American comedian, most notably known for his hit t.v show, "Chappelle's Show."
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Lines from Chappelles Show
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Black Bush
- Tell the truth yeah the straight truth about Saddam I'll tell the truth. the nigga tried to kill my fatha. you dont play that shit man. 'Say word he tried to kill your father.' The nigga tried to kill my FATHA!.
- "I've got 40 Nations ready to roll son!" [guy from crowd] "Like Who?" "Who the fuck said that? Like who? England. Japan's sendin' PlayStations... Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad."
- When asked about the war being about oil he stated, "What? Huh? Oil? Who said something about oil? Bitch, you cooking? Oil? *knocks water pitcher onto the table* Come on now, get out of here!"
- "Can someone tell me, what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube? Aluminum!!!"
- "This nigga very possibly has weapons of mass destruction. I can't sleep on that. Not on my watch! That's not how I roll, that shit is serious. Now if you don't wanna take my word for it, why don't you aks(sic) Tony Blair, he's got a whole another set of intelligence. What's wassup Tony?"
- (When asked about 'yellow cake' by reporter) "Yes, of course I'm sure bitch! I got the head of the CIA right here, he'll tell ya!"
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Tyrone Biggums
- "It is truly an honour and a privilege for me to be here at Pinehurst school, or whatever your school is called today. I say its a privilege, because its a violation of my parole to be around children. But enough about that!"
- "Kids...you're lookin at a dead man. I should not be in front of you today. Drugs and alcohol, have ruined my life."
- "Me and my friends would go home every day afer school and smoke marijuana. Can you kids say marijuana?"
- Teacher to Tyrone after telling his story about performing oral sex for crack: "Thank you for that lovely and very graphic story..." Tyrone:"You're welcome teacha bitch! Uh, could I get cash for this? I got some errands to run and I don't think I'mma make to the bank."
- "Hello little boys and little girls! Mmmmm Mmmm Mmmm!
- "Look at that magic marker. What, you think that's some kind of crayon?!? Take the cap off, sniff it and get high!"
- "Let me show you how I go to the bathroom. (Proceeds to take a dump in the classroom rubbish bin)
- (talking to children about acid) Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo and all my favourite cartoon heroes came to my room and ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours. God damn!"
- "You! Do you know what dog food tastes like? Do ya? It tastes just like it smells...delicious!"
- And kids that was the first time i ever sucked a dick for crack , but not the last..
- "Ya'll tell anybody I'll kill you!
- Joe Rogan , Will u dim the lights?
- Red Balls! It gives you wiiings!
- You know know how to make crack?(talkin to cornrow wallace in jail)Some flour, some baking soda and i think i tasted eggs and cinnamon!
- "Shazaam!"
- Mm, a Peanut-Butter and Crack sandwich!
- Is this the 5o'clock free crack giveaway?!?!
- I'm gonna tell you something Joe Rogan that you might not know about me...I smoke rocks.
- Mmmm Mmmm...You know Joe Rogan, this isn't the first time I've tasted penis, I've had several in my line of work, you taste penises all the time. Cocaines a hell of a drug.
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Rick James/Charlie Murphy
- I'm Rick James, Bitch!
- [while stomping dirty shoes on suede couch] Fuck yo couch nigga'. Fuck yo' couch! Buy another one you rich motherfucker!
- What did the five fingers say to the face?... SLAP!!! [as he slaps Charlie Murphy across the face]
Rick James: Now, Darkness, the tables are turned.
Rick James: [to his bodyguards] Do with him whatever you like.
Charlie Murphy: Motherfuckers take one more step, I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfucking window.
Rick James: Cubbie, freeze!
Charlie Murphy: You know you was wrong for what you did to me earlier. Look what you did to my face! [soft piano music playing... ]
Rick James: I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, it was an accident. I was having too much fun. I offer you a truce. The stickiest of the icky. You want to smoke with the old boy Rick James?
Charlie Murphy: Yo, man, my forehead is bumpin', man.
Rick James: Now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest. But I got the medicine.
Rick James: Bitches... Come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.
Rick James: I'm Rick James, bitch. [Rick claps twice]
- I'm Rick James, bitch! Enjoy yourself.
- I'm one of the baddest motherfuckers of all time. I'm one of the best lookin' motherfuckers you ever seen. Hold my drink, bitch.
- [crawling away after being beaten by the Murphy brothers] They shoulda neva gave you niggas money!
- Come here, darkness.
- Brother darknesses! Look everyone darkness is spreading.
- I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!
- They shoulda never gave you niggas money!
- Fuck yo couch, nigga! FUCK YO COUCH!!!
- It's a celebration, bitches!! Enjoy yourselves!
- Cocaine's a hell of a drug
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Tron
- "Get me some juice bitch, I'm thirsty. And a banana cognac bitch!"
- "Get outta my face nigga! Im making juice!"
- (talking about how he became richest man in the world) "Hot hand in a dice game baby girl...I'm talking 'bout 6 hours straight, clackity clackity clackity clack!"
- "Now you're looking at the world's richest man and I'm black. Kiss my black ass America! Hahaha!"
- "America don't wanna seen Tron workin', they want to see Tron livin! And Tron is livin for tha citaaayyyyy" (end sung in imitation of Stevie Wonder's "Livin' For The City")
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Wayne Brady
- Break yourself FOO!! O SHIT!! Its Wayne Brady Son!! Riverside Mother Fucker!
- Whats this? Mr. Franklins lonely. Whats this sorry daddy? Is Wayne Brady going to have to choke a bitch?! I'm gonna have to get out of this car and choke a bitch!
- If you don't smoke this nigga we have a problem.
- I'm Wayne Brady Bitch!
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Other
- Arsenio Hall: This is some good ass cheese!
- P. Diddy: All right, you guys ain't working as a team. I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way I'll reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.
- P. Diddy: All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.
- Dave Chappelle: Oh, Sally, it's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah! My seed, son! Ha ha h aha! I'm *rich*, bitch! Ha ha ha!
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Lines from Stand Up
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Killin' Them Softly
- "I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it 'cuz someone's gonna have to talk to the police."
- Limo Driver: "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick." At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window ... liquor store, gun store, liquor store, gun store .... where the fuck you taking me?!
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Sesame Street Routine
- "They got this character on there named Oscar.. They treat this guy like SHIT, the entire show. 'Oscar you're SO mean.. isn't he kids?' 'Yeah Oscar, you're a GROUCH' It's like, 'BITCH, I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASH CAN! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street! Nobody's helpin' me.' And then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people. 'Get a job, Grouch!'"
- Don't even tell me how to get to Sesame Street. That is a terrible place; I wouldn't go there if I knew the way. 6 foot pigeons walkin' around, and an elephant thats a junkie. 'Hiiii Berrrt.'"
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For What It's Worth
- That one line man. I'm Rick James, BITCH. I went to Disneyworld, I took my kids to Disneyworld, and then at a party, all these people are comin' up to me "I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!" Would you mind not callin' me a bitch in front of my kids? Even Mickey Mouse said it! I got him with an uppercut, BOP! His head flew off and all the white people got really scared, "Oh my god...Mickey Mouse is Mexican!",
- (speaking about the Declaration of Independence, pretending to be George Washington)
"We hold these truths, to be self-evident. All men, are created equal... GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH NIGGA OR ILL KILL YOU! Liberty and justice for all."
- (Homeless dude masturbating on bus) "Alright everybody! Back up! Back the fuck up! I tried to be nice about this!"
- (Whilst smoking weed with Navajo)
Dave: "Timeout chief! Sorry to interrupt. Fuckin smashed man, the weed's too strong! It's itching, this PCP nigga? The spirits have got me chief! The spirits, HAVE GOT ME!"
Chief: "Calm down black face! (splashes Dave with water)
Dave: "Hey! Its black feet motherfucker, take it easy!"
- White people drink grape juice. Ya'll didn't know I knew about grape juice didja? Black people have grape drink. You know that Sunny Delight commercial where all those kids look in the fridge and they all look and go YAY SUNNY D but the black kid's like "Hey, I want some of that purple stuff." That's grape drink. That's the ingredients, sugar, water, PURPLE. Go over to your white friend's house,
"Todd, can I interest you in a glass of grape juice?" "What?! What the fuck is juice? I want some grape drink baby. Mmm its purple." "I dunno what grape drink is." "What?!" "I have some apple juice if..." "Nigga what the fuck is juice!! I want some apple drink!! Its green!!" "Well how about some apple juice?" "Nigga What the fuck is juice" I want apple DRINK!, its green!"
- "I don't normally talk about my religion publicly because I don't want people to associate me and my flaws with this beautiful thing. And I believe it is a beautiful religion if you learn it the right way. It's a lifelong effort. Your religion is your standard. Coming here I don't have the distractions of fame. It quiets the ego down. I'm interested in the kind of nigga I've got to become. I want to be well rounded and the industry is a place of extremes. I want to be well balanced. I've got to check my intentions, man."
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Other quotes
- Even a nigga ridin 24's can get skeeted on.
- Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
- This is not an option nigga, if you do not smoke this, we will have a problem.
- Fuck yo couch nigga. I say fuck you couch.
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