Garfield and Friends

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Garfield and Friends was a popular animated series based on the comic strip Garfield.

Quotes from Garfield

• "Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night--nor cat with bad disposition--will stay this clown from his appointed rounds." ~Binky
• Binky: Is Edna Fogarty here? I'm here to wish Edna Fogarty a happy 97th birthdaaaaayyy!
  Garfield: If he does, Edna won't see 98.
• Jon: Well guys, how would you like to experience something real scary?
  Garfield: Hmmm, Jon's gonna sing.
  Jon: Something so spooky you'll never get over it.
  Garfield: Hmmm, he's gonna sing and dance.
• Jon: Don't you realize how wrong it was to try and mail Nermal to Abu Dhabi?
  Garfield: You're right. Egypt's further.
• Garfield: Are there any questions?
  Audience member: Uh, yeah! Is wrestling fixed?
  Garfield: Excuse me. I should have asked, "Are there any intelligent questions?"
• "Anyone who sings like that should be drug out into the street and shot. Or worse, made to listen to a tape of themselves." ~Garfield
• "Garfield's been a very bad dog lately. I'm gonna teach him a lesson she'll never forget." ~Jon
• Jon: Garfield! How did you get here?
  Garfield: Knowing you, it was probably economy coach.
• "What luck. Jon finally gets a decent quantity of food in the house and it had to be yogurt." ~Garfield
• "You should never say, 'Things can't possibly get any worse.' Things'll always find a way." ~Garfield
• "That's the mad scientist's assistant, Igor. Mad scientists' assistants are always named Igor. It's, like, a law." ~Garfield
• "For a while, [Binky] even hosted the wrestling matches. The wrestlers complained he was loud, they couldn't study their scripts." ~Garfield
• "You know what the sad part is? This is the sixth time Jon's taken me camping, and it's still the most fun I've ever had." ~Garfield
• "...Look what you've found. Do you know what this is, Odie? No, it's not a ball. It's the Klopman Diamond. A priceless gem, as well as a pointless running gag on a popular Saturday morning cartoon series." ~Garfield
• TV announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Odie and Friends!
  Garfield: Odie and Friends? ...We are very close to the end of civilization as we know it.
  Floyd: What a disgusting, insulting, unfair TV show. Bet it's a hit, though.
• Garfield: Where's the ball, Odie? Stupid creatures love to fetch a ball.
  Jon: (angrily walks up with the ball) You're annoying us, Garfield.
  Garfield: Like I said.
• Judge: "Order in the court."
  Binky: I'll have a ham on rye. Hold the mayo! (laughs)
  Garfield: That's the real Binky.
  Judge: Arrest that phony!
  Stinky Davis: Hey, you can't do this to me! I'll get you for this, cat!
  Garfield: The real Binky could never resist a very old joke.
• "In the history of mankind, no two people have ever been able to agree on the toppings for pizza." ~Garfield
• "This will scare the pants off those three or my name isn't June Arburkle!" ~Jon
• "You! You're not Sylvia! You're one of the Kung-Foo Creatures on the Rampage!... Two!" ~Man in the movie Kung-Foo Creatures on the Rampage II
• "If he's a judge, then I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." ~Garfield
• "A beautiful woman is interested in Jon and you're asking what's wrong? How long have you been on this show?" ~Garfield, to Odie
• "I'll see your horse, and raise you... a grand piano... and the mayor of Davenport, Iowa!" ~Garfield during a game of poker
• "Kids! Check your TV listings. Make sure this isn't the last episode!" ~Garfield
• Floyd: Just remember this moment, Garfield, 'cause there'll eventually come the day you'll beg me to do this show. But you know what? I won't be available. I'll be working for, uh, Disney or somebody.
  Garfield: Who's he kidding? Disney's up to here with mice on their contract.
• "Good morning. Sometimes, on the show, we like to teach you something a little educational. No, no! Don't change the channel! It's not that educational!" ~Garfield
• "Let me think how to solve this. Maybe I can call the Ghostbusters! Nah, their show was cancelled." ~Garfield
• Jon: We'll go to that new multiplex in town. They have 37 screens.
  Garfield: All of which will be showing 'Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage 2.'
  
  

Quotes from U.S. Acres

• Wade: It's National Don't Mention Meat Or Someone Will Hit You With a Banana Cream Pie Day! If you mention a kind of meat, someone will hit you with a banana cream pie!
  Roy: What? You mean I'll get hit with a banana cream pie if I mention, oh say, prime rib? (a pie hits him) That's a lot of baloney! (another pie hits him) Who do I complain to? I have a real beef! (a third pie hits him)
• Orson: ...Maybe you'll look like me.
  Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me?
• Booker: Roy, why are you playing the wake-up call now? It's nine-thirty!
  Roy: I'm on daylight savings' time.
• "Hello, I'm Big Bad Buddy Bird. I never agree with the group. I set a bad example for impressionable children everywhere." ~Roy
• Booker: Let's turn [the princess in the changed Cinderella story] into a cowgirl.
  Sheldon: No, a spacesuit. She's an astronaut.
  Booker: Even better, let's make her a race car driver, and she's got an evil twin.
  Orson: No, she's a princess and there's only one of her!
• "You will lose all your feathers during a total eclipse on Arbor Day while listening to The Marine Corps Band playing "Home On the Range" and watching a badminton match between two guys named Ichabod." ~Roy's fortune cookie
• "And so Chicken Licken, Cocky Locky, Ducky Wucky, Piggy Wiggy, Sheepy Creepy, Lamby Wamby, Puppy Wuppy, Goosey Poosey, Horsey Worsey, Weasel Geasel, Turkey Lurkey, Hawky Tawky, Foxy Woxy, Eggy Leggy, Wooly Bully, Catty Fatty, Beaver Cleaver, Wormy Squirmy, Hoggy Woggy, Rooster Shooster, Fishy Wishy, Apey Wapey, Toady Woady, Mallard Ballard, Hippo Zippo, Mousey Wousey, and Chicky Wicky all went to see the king." ~Wade, reading Chicken Licken
• Roy: Read to the chicks? I can do that.
  Wade: As can I! I wanna read to them.
  Roy: I'm going to read to them.
  Wade: No, I'm going to read to them.
  Roy: Au contraire, ducko.
  Wade: I don't care if you can speak Spanish, I'm still gonna read to them!
• "[The CD is] stuck! That's what I get for buying a stereo from a horse." ~Roy
• Roy: At this rate, I'll be done [putting the grain back in the silo] in time for Christmas.
  Sheldon: What year?
  Roy: That I'm not sure of.
• Wade: Everyone thinks I'm a coward, and I resent it.
  Orson: Wade, you are a coward.
  Wade: That's why I resent it.
• Orson: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
  Roy: No more than usual.
• "You are bullies! You are nasty swines, you are. I would say that you are not fit to eat with pigs, except for the fact that you are pigs." ~Wade, confronting Orson's brothers
• Orson: Now I'd like to do a little dance for you.
  Roy: Don't! My earthquake insurance isn't paid up.
  Orson: I am not fat! I have the body of a supreme athlete!
  Roy: Well, give it back! You're getting it all stretched out of shape.
  Orson: Roy, aren't you supposed to be selling tickets at the door?
  Roy: What? And miss my chance to heckle you, Pignose?
• Booker: What do you get when you cross a lasagna-loving cat with a bunch of zany farm animals?
  Sheldon: You get picked up for another season.
• "Man, I wish I had a line in this episode." ~Bo
• Roy: Orson! The chickens is missing!
  Orson: Shouldn't that be the chickens are missing? You see, chickens is plural, so of course you need a plural verb--
  Roy: Oh, great! The weasel has the chickens, and you're teaching grammar!
• "What do you mean this is the only show you could get me on? Isn't Hanna-Barbera casting? What about cable? I heard they're doing a funny version of Ren and Stimpy." ~Roy
• Orson: (reading Rumpelstiltskin) After the king let the son out, the little man offered the son a deal.
  Rumpelstiltskin (Roy): You can keep your VCR if you can guess my name.
  Miller's son (Wade): Guess your name? Ha! That oughta be a cinch! Is it Fred?
  Rumpelstiltskin: No.
  Miller's son: Sam?
  Rumpelstiltskin: No.
  Miller's son: Elliot?
  Rumpelstiltskin: Nope!
  Miller's son: Jason?
  Rumpelstiltskin: No way.
  Orson: The son just kept on guessing far into the night...
  Miller's son: Irving? Floyd? Ichabod? Michael? Sidney? John? Paul? George? Ringo? Larry? Moe? Curly? Shemp? Howie? Frank?
  Rumpelstiltskin: Nope.
  Orson: ...but without success.
  Miller's son: Arbuthnot? Trallfaz? Sting? Prince? Engelburt?
  Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, you only get one more guess.
  Pizzaman (Bo): Hey, like, hi there, Rumpelstiltskin. Qué pasa?
  Miller's son: I know it! I know your name! Your name is...
  Roy: (grabs the book from Orson) But before the duck-son could say the name, a hurricane came up!
  Orson: A hurricane!?
  Roy: Yes, a hurricane. And it blew the duck away, so he couldn't take his VCR back.
  Wade: Uno momento!
  Orson: Guys!
  Wade: Then a spaceship came by! And it rescued the handsome duck and flew him back to reclaim his VCR.
  Orson: Guys, stop this!
  Roy: But the rooster was determined to get it back with the aid of his trained dinosaurs!
  Orson: Trained dinosaurs? Where did the trained dinosaurs come from?
  Roy: Same place all those ninjas came from.
  Wade: But then the Third Marine Division landed with their Anti-Trained Dinosaur Squadron.
  Roy: But the Mole People were too smart for the Marines!
  Orson: Guys!
• Wade: (looks at the "U.S. Acres Quickie" logo) Orson, what's a quickie?
  Orson: It's a short joke.
  Booker: (entering) I don't like jokes about being short!
  Orson: Well, it's not a joke about being short, Booker; it's a joke that is short.
  Roy: (entering with Bo) But couldn't you do a short joke about someone being short?
  Bo: You could even do a long joke about someone being short.
  Roy: Then that'd be a long short joke!
  Orson: Enough already! A quickie is a joke that's only 45 seconds, and it's--
  Sheldon: (entering) Time's up!
  Wade: (as the camera fades out) Shucks! I never found out what a quickie was.

Garfield's Introductory Lines

In every episode, right at the end of the theme song, Garfield would always say something different.

• "This show is K-rated - no adults unless accompanied by a kid."
• "Smart kids watch this show; other kids just change the channel."
• "Maybe not as funny as pro wrestling, but a lot more realistic."
• "You folks have this confused. I'm real, and you're animated."
• "I just checked the TV listings; I'm the only thing on right now."
• "Pay careful attention, everyone; there'll be a quiz later."
• "The Garfield Guarantee - no giant robots or annoying little blue people."
• "So if someone wants you to change the channel, kids, just say no."
• "Don't forget, kids, look both ways before crossing your teacher."
• "Hey, Heathcliff! Eat your heart out!"
• "Beware of imitations, accept no substitues. Batteries not included."
• "You notice how every week I say something different here?"
• "Hey, you, with the potato chips. I hope you brought enough for everybody."
• "Hey you, the kid who missed last week's show! You'd better have a good excuse."
• "I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today."
• "And just remember what you paid to get in."
• "A funny thing happened to me on my way to my cartoon show."
• "Hey you, chewing the gum! I hope you brought enough for everybody."
• "Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show too."
• "Sell your remote control. I'm the best thing on."
• "I can't believe we get away with this every week."
• "Today featuring Binky the Clown, so turn up the volume, kids!"
• "Don't try any of this at home, kids. We're professionals."
• "Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move."
• "This offer void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. Batteries not included."
• "We've got to stop that chicken from writing on my logo every week."
• "Garfield and Friends is taped in front of an animated studio audience."
• "And a special hello to all you wonderful Nielsen familes out there."
• "And pay attention; there'll be a test at the end."
• "Change channels and you'll never see your dog again."
• "Today's show is brought to you by the letter K and the number 9."
• "It doesn't start until the fat lady screams."
• "My lips never move. Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist?"
• "I'd like to buy a vowel, please."
• "In a moment, I'll wave my finger and the music will stop."
• "I'll be back right after they sell you stuff."
• "Enough of this entertainment jazz; let's have some commercials."
• "Here are some commercials and then, more of me."
• "Garfield and Friends will be right back. At least I'll be."
• "The Buddy Bears are on the show today, folks, so keep that channel changer handy."
• "Just think of me as like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Pussycat."
• "This show is the only possible reason for getting up this early."
• "Thank you. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the cartoon show."
• "I'm sick of those singers. Can we get some, like, Elvis impersonators for next week?"
• "Welcome to my world. Did you bring food?"
• "Hey, I'll return the favor. When you get your own cartoon show, I'll watch."
• "Serving cartoon watchers the world over since 1988."
• "This show is the most fun you can have without marinara sauce."
• "When they invented television, this is pretty much what they had in mind."
• "The following is made possible by a grant from the lasagna manufacturers of America."
• "I haven't had so much fun since Nermal fell in the mud."
• "If you like this show, tell a friend. If you don't like it, my name is Heathcliff."
• "Where else can you get this much comedy for your viewing dollar?"
• "If this show were any more entertaining, we'd be on Pay-Per-View."
• "If you can find a better show on television, watch it!"
• "Today's show is dedicated to loyal and courageous pizza delivery persons everywhere."
• "The only cartoon show that comes with a double-your-money-back guarantee."
• "And for my next trick, I will make the rest of the show magically appear!"
• "Reproductions of the accounts and descriptions of this cartoon show is prohibited."
• "We're environmentally sound; all of today's jokes are recycled from last week's show."
• "If you could only watch one TV show this year, this is the one to watch."
• "And make sure you stick around after the show for the big cast party."
• "And don't let your dog watch this show. It's too good for him."
• "Hey, you could watch some other show, but why would you want to?"
• "Today's show is brought to you in color, unless the artists ran out of crayons."
• "You'll like today's show, folks. No Binky, no Nermal, no Buddy Bears - just a lot of me."
• "Today's show is inspected for your safety by number 29."
• "Everything else you watch on TV this week will just be anticlimatic."
• "If a tree falls while our sound effects man is at lunch, does it make a sound?"
• "Penelope's back today, folks. Some women just can't get enough of me."
• "Critics agree - of all the TV shows on today, this is probably one of them."
• "Think of a number between 1 and 10. The number you're thinking of is 7."
• "And keep watching, or we'll have to change into a shopping network and sell bad jewelry."
• "Today is Hit-a-Duck-in-the-Face-With-a-Lemon-Meringue-Pie Day! We'll explain later."
• "I was gonna do something spontaneous here, but I've been too busy to plan it."
• "The cartoon show to watch when you won't settle for just any cartoon show."
• "The funniest show on TV that doesn't have a 1-800 number to buy cheap junk."
• "Today, featuring the return of the Singing Ants! Boy, they have a good agent."
• "Penelope is singing today, folks, so don't leave any expensive glassware near the TV."
• "Today, a Saturday morning investigative report - where did all those Smurfs go?"
• "This show is the answer. Unfortunately, no one's figured out the question yet."
• "Today, a look into our writer's joke file! That's right, we examine both jokes."
• "The longest-running show on this network except for the news which is unfortunately funnier."
• "Today, an encore performance of our report 'Are There Too Many Reruns of Cartoon Shows'?"
• "After seven seasons, we've pretty much said everything you can say in this spot."zh:加菲猫