Seinfeld

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Seinfeld (1989-1998) was a television sitcom about four friends living in New York City, considered to be one of the most popular and influential of the 1990s in the U.S.

Contents

[edit]

Season 1

[edit]

Good News, Bad News [1.1]

Clair: Trust me George, no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.
George: What, it was purple, I liked it. I don't actually recall considering the button!
Jerry: Oh you don't recall?
George: Uh no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well, Senator I'd just like to know what you knew and when you knew it.
Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
Kramer: You got any meat?
Jerry: Women know what men want, and men know what men want - women!
Jerry: [to George in the laundromat] You can't over-die, you can't over-dry!
George: [to Jerry] I can't believe you want to bring in an extra bed for a woman who wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too?!
[edit]

The Stakeout [1.2]

Jerry: [opening bit] I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these... is this of any value at all?
George: Art...Core.
Jerry: Art Core?
George: ...velay.
Jerry: Corevelay?
Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Vandelay!
Jerry: Corvelay!
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh, railroads, uh...
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can...
Jerry: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.
[edit]

The Robbery [1.3]

Jerry: [giving Elaine house sitting instructions] One last thing, Benes. Regarding sexual activity ... strictly prohibited, but, if you absolutely must, do us all a favor and do it in the tub.
Jerry: And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
Kramer: I'm human...
Jerry: In your way.
Jerry: [realizing his answering machine was taken] I hate the thought of someone out there returning my calls.
Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Clapco 8000. It's the most powerful lock they make. It has only one design flaw...the door...MUST BE CLOSED!!
Police Officer: If we find your stuff we'll let you know.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Police Officer: No.
[edit]

Male Unbonding [1.4]

Jerry: I was ten... I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table.
Jerry: I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some sort of "excuse Rolodex."
George Costanza: I know a guy who took a vacation on his change.
Jerry: Where'd he go, the arcade?
Elaine: "You ran out of underwear. You can't leave the house."
Elaine: "You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan."
George: She calls me up at my office, she says, 'We have to talk.'
Jerry: Ugh, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or 'Whose bra is this?'
Jerry: That's worse.
Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
Jerry: ...listen, Joel. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Jerry: [to Joel] It's not you, it's me!
George: You can't just have people shoving their arms into 600 degree ovens.
Kramer: It'll all be supervised!
[edit]

The Stock Tip [1.5]

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed... I’m sure he’s got super humor.
Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?
George: ...a robot butcher.
[edit]

Season 2

[edit]

The Ex-Girlfriend [2.1]

George: Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Can’t I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a band-aid: one motion, right off!
George: It was like I was makin' a prison break. You know... and I'm... I'm heading for the wall... and I trip and I twist my ankle... and they throw that light on you. So, somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard towers. [mocks a rifle cocking] Son-of-a-bang... son-of-a-boom. I get to the top of the wall - the front door. I open it up, I'm one-foot away, I take one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped.
Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
Jerry: You know, when you read "Moby Dick" the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.
George: Believe me. Boy-boy-girl? It doesn't look good.
Nurse: Mr. Costanza, the doctor will see you now.
George: [sarcastic] Yea...doctor...
George: I had nothing to do with any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it, I knew it would only get me in deeper, but they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cousin.. this is my brother.. this is my father..." It's like I'm in quicksand!
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
[edit]

The Pony Remark [2.2]

George: I cannot envision any circumstance in which I’ll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How’s it gonna happen? I just don’t see how it could occur.
George: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Elaine: And what about the pony huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? They're like big riding dogs.
Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
Jerry: He talks about him like he split the atom. He works for the Parks Department.
Jerry: I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.
Morty: I don't know her either. She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
Jerry: [to Monya] These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving, He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
Helen: [to Jerry] At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave.
Morty: How come he gets to leave?
Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense.. am I wrong?
[edit]

The Jacket [2.3]

Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. It’s fabulous.
Mr. Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific... There's nothing funny about that.
George: [singing] Master of the house, doling out the charm...
Mr. Benes: Pipe down chorus boy.
[later, driving home]
Mr. Benes: [singing] Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
Jerry: How are we going to get out of it?
George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
Elaine: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
George: And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable.. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell my you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me?! You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! Alright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent) Oh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand...
[edit]

The Phone Message [2.4]

Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the [Dockers] commercial.
Jerry: [sarcastic] Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
Jerry: Kramer, this is Donna.
Kramer: [snaps fingers] Cotton Dockers! [in a deeper voice] One hundred percent cotton-Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.
Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for coffee?
George: No, thanks, I can't drink coffee late at night. It keeps me up.
George: "Coffee"'s not coffee, "coffee" is sex!
George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!"
George: [to Carol] Jerry has a fear of public toilets.
Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?
George: Tippy Toe, Lemon Tree.
[edit]

The Apartment [2.5]

Kramer: Tell me the truth: have you ever seen a better looking guy?
Jerry: Looks are so subjective.
Jerry: [about the marathon] Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.
Roxanne: The marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Yes, particularly if you're not in it.
George: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is...
George: Is that right, I just threw away a life time of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Woman cheering on marathon runners: You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
Jerry: [to Kramer] You're not normal. I love you, but you're a pod.
Kramer: I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.
Kramer: Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.
George: I'd like to have a kid ... 'course you have to have a date first.
[edit]

The Statue [2.6]

[edit]

The Revenge [2.7]

[edit]

The Heart Attack [2.8]

George: (panicking) What? Oh my god. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupus? Is it lupus?
Tor: Your tea is ready now. This should solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.
Jerry: I love crampbark.
Tor: Cleavers.
Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!
Tor: And some couchgrass.
Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower?
George: Yes
Tor: Stop using it.
[edit]

The Deal [2.9]

[edit]

The Baby Shower [2.10]

[edit]

The Chinese Restaurant [2.11]

[edit]

The Busboy [2.12]

[edit]

Unsorted quotes

[edit]

Jerry Seinfeld

  • I don't want to live like this! ["after Kramer walks in on Jerry showering"]
  • I'm not gay; not that there's anything wrong with that! (In The Outing, a reporter mistakenly announces that Jerry and George are gay.)
  • But I don't want to be a pirate! (Jerry agrees to wear an outfit without seeing it and it turns out to be a ruffed like a pirate's shirt ("puffy shirt").
  • In fact I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up!
  • But I don't trust this guy, I think he regifted and then he degifted and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp!
  • [Newman: Hello Jerry...] Hello, Newman was it good for you?
  • [Following George's instruction not to be funny, so as to not show him up in front of his date.] Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
  • Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint. (Kramer and Jerry are invited to view an operation involving retractor tool from the student gallery and mint falls into the patient)
  • See you in the cafeteria! [Final line in the series finale.]
  • Are you still the master of your domain? (The contest)
  • If we pick, do we not bleed? (Jerry's supermodel girlfriend sees him scratching his nose from taxi and thinks he was picking his nose)
  • Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses --in mid air, mind you-- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.
  • And you want to be my latex salesman! (George Costanza is trying to get unemployment assistance by pretending to be a latex saleman who works for Jerry)
  • All that's between us and him is a thin layer of gabardine.
  • Seinfeld you magnificent bastard! [After seeing he's been moved to number 1 on his girlfriend's relationship scale.]
  • Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. (George and Jerry visit NBC chairman's apartment and George is caught looking at his daughter's cleavage)
  • But I want to fancy your boy!
  • [popping his collar while speaking in deep Italian accent and strutting] Tony, hey Tony.
  • (Jerry) You don't even know what a write-off is. (Cosmo)"Do you?" (Jerry)"No I don't" (Cosmo) "Well they do...and they're the ones writing it off".
  • Broccoli, Newman? You wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce.
  • Is this guy a dentist or Caligula? [After he believed he was "violated" by Dr. Whatley and his assisstant while under the gas.]
  • I'm not bragging. I happen to have a keen lesbian eye.
  • He's a doctor! I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment. [After finding a Penthouse in Dr. Whatley's waiting room]
  • It's NOT a surprise party! [After the doorbell rings during the intervention and Elaine tells everyone to hide.]
  • ...Mulva? (Jerry doesn't know his girlfriend's name; only knows that it rhymes with a female body part)
[edit]

George Costanza

  • I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'
  • Please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots
  • The sea was angry that day my friend, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli.
  • There is Relationship George, and there is Independent George...you are killing Independent George! A George divided against itself... cannot stand!
  • I've Driven Women to Lesbianism before, but never to a mental institution.
  • TWIIIIIIIIIX! [Upon losing many Twix candy bars that he had set up for over an hour in a candy lineup]
  • NO, no, It's about NOTHING
  • Peter Jennings had a nose job.
  • My name is Buck Naked. I'm a porn star.
  • My name is Art Vandeley. I'm an architect.
  • I'm an architect.
  • I'm a marine biologist.
  • It's not a lie if you believe it.
  • What, you're using my 'babies' now?
  • You ever eat an Ostrich burger?
  • Instead of an apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over the place.
  • Maybe she has toe thumbs . . . Is her handshake a little firm? Perhaps too firm?
  • Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
  • Hi, My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. [Introducing himself to an attractive woman, just after deciding to do everything exactly contrary to his instinct.]
  • I was in the pool! I was in the pool!(relating to his shrinkage incident after getting out of the pool and a woman saw him in the locker room without his towel on)
  • It's all pipes! (After being accused of urinating in a shower)
  • Serenity now!
  • Hey! Is anyone talking to you pinhead?
  • Bob Cob?
  • Well the jerk store called, they're running out of you!
  • Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!
  • Amazing. I drive 'em to lesbianism, he brings 'em back. [Referring to Kramer after he sleeps with a lesbian.]
  • Care to make it interesting?
  • I am aware!
  • You know we're living in a society!
  • They gave me the Penske File.
  • Ta-ta, Tut-tle.
  • You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  • You scared her off. We may never see Mom again!
  • Gammy's gettin' upset!
  • Holes! I need holes!
  • These really do pinch the nose.
  • BOWLING!
  • I made such delicious sandwiches.
  • (after being told he was getting fired for having sex with the cleaning lady at Pendant Publishing) ...was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta tell ya, I have to plead ignorance on this one, cause if someone told me that that sort of behaviour was FROWNED upon...
  • What are you, crazy?! This is like discovering Plutonium by accident!
  • Please. I work for Krueger Industrial Smoothing; "We don't care, and it shows."
  • You invite me over here for lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then you tell me you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me; I want details, and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I've got no place to go, you're not in the mood? Well you GET in the mood!
  • (walks in) ...you can't handle the truth! (salutes)
  • [while having sex with his secretary] I'm giving you a raise!
  • You had to hop...you had to HOP ON THE PLANE!
  • ...Jerry...I've gotta tell you something. This has to be the dullest moment in my life.
  • You're right. Why must there always be a problem?! You'd think that just once I'd get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!
  • "I thought you don't believe in God?"
  • I do for all the bad things.
  • Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should throw down two thousand bucks to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards in the money, mooch off your neighbors and have sex without dating, THAT'S a fantasy camp.
  • Good for the tuna.
  • Love that t-bone!
  • George likes spicy chicken.
  • Pepe and Prickly Pete. [regarding his two horses at The Hamptons]
  • (After getting dumped by a woman) "You're giving me the 'It's not you, It's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me'. Nobody tells me it's them not me, If it's anybody, It's me!"
  • Oh, it's got cachet. It's got cachet up the ying yang.
  • Pulp can move, baby!
  • George is getting upset!
  • Khaaaaaaaaaaaan!
  • Moops!
  • She's BALD!
  • He's be-bopin' and scattin' and i'm losin' it!
  • (Cheesy music in the background, which is actually the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero") Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. [George's Answering Machine]
  • I did it! I finally did it! Yes! My boys can swim! [after finding out that he might have gotten a woman pregnant]
  • A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
  • And you! How many Twix does that make you for today? Like eight twix?!
  • Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?
[edit]

Elaine Benes

  • David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
  • GET OUT! [usually followed by some sort of pushing or another form of physical contact]
  • [On faking orgasms]....that's because I'm GOOD!!!
  • I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.
  • For I have seen the nipple on your soul!
  • IT'S BROWN!
  • Let's just replace 'hail of shrapnel' and 'scar tissue' with 'string of pearls' and 'raspberry scones'.
  • He's a bad breaker-upper.
  • (About George's wig) I don't like this thing, and here's what I'm doing with it!
  • (after being drugged up on pain meds referring to Jerry's aunty) "STELLA"
  • It's Epstein-Barr syndrome with a twist of Lyme disease
  • He took it out!
  • I've yada-yada'd sex
  • Can you spare a square?
  • Shrinkage? Like in Laundry?
  • (Describing Jerry) Well, his life revolves around Superman and cereal.
  • I don't know how you walk around with those things
  • Get out! (with accents on both words, said in numerous episodes)
[edit]

Cosmo Kramer

  • No, look away, I'm hideous!
  • I just saw a pigman . . . a pigman!
  • It'll be a funky adventure.
  • I'M OUT THERE JERRY, AND I'M LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!
  • I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
  • They're (a hospital) making an army of pig warriors!
  • Mmm.... Machu Picchu.
  • Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
  • Giddyup!
  • These pretzels are making me thirsty.
  • What's that red dot on your sweater?
  • Cable boy... What have you done to my little cable boy?
  • Yo-yo ma! (After getting kicked in the head by Crazy Joe Davola.)
  • It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious...it's very refreshing. (on Junior Mints)
  • Hennigans, no smell, no tell, Scotch!
  • Up here, I'm already gone!
[edit]

OTHERS

  • Frank Costanza: Morty...this is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida?! Guess what? We just got a condo in Del Bocca Vista! You will see me at the Clubhouse, pool, and I'll be all over that shuffle board court! And I dare you to try to stop me!
  • Kenny Banya: Gold Jerry, gold!
  • Jackie Chiles: That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!
  • Jackie Chiles: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
  • Jackie Chiles: Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched disfigurement.
  • Jackie Chiles: Your face is my case.
  • Old man: [staring at a portrait of Kramer] He is a loathsome offensive brute, yet I can't look away.
  • Newman: When you control the mail, you control information.
  • Newman: Let me let you in on a secret. Zipcodes, they're meaningless.
  • Newman: I'm sorry, your invitation must have gotten ... lost in the mail!
  • Frank Costanza: It's a Festivus for the rest of us!
  • Frank Costanza: Serenity now!
  • Frank Costanza: Stop crying and fight your father!
  • Frank Costanza: Hoochie Mama!!
  • Frank Costanza: [To Elaine] You want a piece of me??
  • Frank Costanza: You had me sleeping on a pee stained couch?
  • Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son...
  • Lloyd Braun: Serenity now, insanity later.
  • David Puddy: Yeah that's right!
  • David Puddy: High five... On the flip side!
  • David Puddy: Check it out...eight Ball [showing off his new jacket to Elaine]
  • David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
  • David Puddy: Talk to me babe.
  • David Puddy: It's my new winter coat.
  • David Puddy: Gotta support the team [explaining why he paints his face for Devils games]
  • Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
  • Soup Nazi: [After George's compliment] You're pushing your luck little man.
  • Mr. Heyman (George's old gym coach): Cant-stand-ya!
  • Babu: You're a very bad man, Jerry Seinfeld! Very, very bad!
  • Susan: You're a stupid stupid man George! A very stupid little man!
  • Estelle Costanza: George likes the bananas!
  • Uncle Leo: [very enthusiastically] Jerry!.. HELLO!
[edit]

Dialogue

Cedric: Why don't you want to wear the ribbon?
Kramer: Why should I?
Cedric: You have to, everyone is.
Kramer: That's why I don't want to.
Kramer: At Brandt-Lealand, I'm gettin' things done.
Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: Oh no no no, I don't want any money, I'm doin' this just for me.
Jerry: Clearly... so, uh, what do you do down there all day?
Kramer: T.C.B. You know, takin' care of business. Well, I gotta go... ah, can't forget my briefcase.
Jerry: What have you got in there?
Kramer: Crackers.
Jerry: Oh you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: Alright, that's enough.
Kramer: It's a write off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I Don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
Elaine: You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.
Darryl: We are. Because you're Hispanic.
Elaine: I am?
Darryl: Aren't you?
Elaine: No. Why would you think that?
Darryl: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.
Elaine: That's because I thought you were black.
Darryl: Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?
Elaine: I don't think we should be talking about this.
Darryl: So, what are you?
Elaine: I'm white.
Darryl: So, we're just a couple of white people?
Elaine: I guess.
Darryl: Oh.
Elaine: Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?
Darryl: Sure.
Jerry: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
George: Artie Schumann, from Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry: No, you idiot.
George: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?
Jerry: You don't know Robert Schumann, the composer?
George: Oh Schu-mann, of course.
George: I'm Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Party Host: [To marathon runners] You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender emerges.
Newman: And then something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward.
Elaine: What? What happened?
Kramer: He spit on us.
Puddy: Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind his back) On the flip side.
Elaine: David, um, I..
Puddy: (Still holding out his hand) Don’t leave me hangin’
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you speak Burmese?
J. Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish.
Jerry: Elaine, do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: You mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming...and it's cold...
Elaine: Oh! It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does!
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
[Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp]
Jerry: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well, there was an incident.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw him one inside, you know, a little chin music right on his pants, cause I gotta intimidate, you know, when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him! I looked down, and -- whoa man -- it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Gina: What type of man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man that respects a good coma.
Jerry: I don't know what the coma etiquette was.
Kramer: There is no coma etiquette! See thats the beauty of the coma man, it doesn't matter what you do around him.
Jerry: So you're saying his girl, his car, his clothes; it's all up for grabs? You can just loot the coma victim?
Kramer: I give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it by 24 hours, its a land rush!
George: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Kramer: Talk to me.
George: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
George: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.


[edit]

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