Family Guy

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Please read Family Guy/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.

The border colors for the episodes correspond to the DVD Volume in which they appear. Those episodes in bold and italics are also part of the Freakin' Sweet Collection.

Gold represents Volume 1
Turquoise represents Volume 2
Orange represents Volume 3


Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4A Season 4B
Death Has a Shadow Peter Peter Caviar Eater The Thin White Line North by North Quahog Peter's Got Woods
I Never Met the Dead Man Holy Crap Brian Does Hollywood Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High The Perfect Castaway
Chitty Chitty Death Bang Da Boom Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington Blind Ambition Jungle Love
Mind Over Murder Brian in Love One If By Clam, Two If By Sea Don't Make Me Over PTV
A Hero Sits Next Door Love Thy Trophy And the Wiener is... The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire Brian Goes Back To College
The Son Also Draws Death is a Bitch Death Lives Petarded The Courtship of Stewie's Father
Brian: Portrait of a Dog The King is Dead Lethal Weapons Brian the Bachelor The Fat Guy Strangler
I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar The Kiss Seen Around the World 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz
If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin' Mr. Saturday Knight Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Brian Sings and Swings
Running Mates Emission Impossible Model Misbehavior Patriot Games
A Picture is Worth A 1000 Bucks To Live and Die in Dixie I Take Thee Quagmire
Fifteen Minutes of Shame A Fish Out of Water Sibling Rivalry
Road to Rhode Island Screwed the Pooch Deep Throats
Let's Go To The Hop Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Peterotica
Dammit Janet Ready, Willing, and Disabled You May Now Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives
There's Something About Paulie A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas Petergeist
He's Too Sexy For His Fat Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
E. Peterbus Unum From Method to Madness
The Story on Page One Stuck Together, Torn Apart
Wasted Talent Road to Europe
Fore Father Family Guy Viewer Mail #1
When You Wish Upon a Weinstein
Catch Phrases Unknown episode Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story See also External links

Catch Phrases

Glenn Quagmire: Alllllll riiight.

Glenn Quagmire: Giggity giggity giggity!

Joe Swanson: Let's do it!!

Stewie Griffin: What the deuce?

Stewie Griffin: Damn you all!

Stewie Griffin: Victory is mine!

Stewie Griffin: Silence!!

Brian Griffin: Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Stewie Griffin: Blast!

Stewie Griffin: Vile Woman!

Peter Griffin: You bastard.

Peter Griffin: Freakin' sweet!

Peter Griffin: Oh Crap!!

Season 1

Death Has a Shadow [1.01]

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!

Brian Griffin: Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
Lois Griffin: He's going to a stag party.
Peter Griffin: Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house. As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

Vicar: And so, the Lord smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body!
God: Oh, man, I hate when he tells this story.
[cut to Peter, drinking the communion wine]
Vicar: Yet miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity!
Peter Griffin: [spits the wine out] Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Vicar: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
[Note: This scene was not shown in the original TV episode and it first appeared in a later episode, Fifteen Minutes of Shame. This scene was added in this episode for the DVD release]

Peter Griffin: [holding an ice cream] Ooh, butter rum's, my favorite! [he licks it then collapses drunkenly onto a table]

Lois Griffin: Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
[Audience crying]
Peter Griffin: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks (in movie): I have AIDS.
[Peter falls over laughing]

Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin: Me first.
[Peter drinks.]
Quagmire: You win!
Peter Griffin: What did I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter Griffin: Aw man, I'm going for the high score.
Quagmire: No, Frank has the high score.
Frank: Hey man, your clock won't flush!

Peter Griffin: Boys, boys! We're gonna drink till she's hot.

Peter Griffin: Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Peter Griffin: Now, kids, I don't want your mom to worry. When she worries, she says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep." So, I just gonna tell a little lie. Now not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois Griffin: What's that, Peter?
Peter Griffin: Nothing. Ooh, the lost my job smells great.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Meg, honey, could you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter Griffin: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!

Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell?

Reporter: Mr. President, why do you think the public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?
President Clinton: Probably because you're so fat.

Chris Griffin: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?

Stewie Griffin: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of... active hand-grenades!

Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. [gavel strike]
Lois Griffin: OH NO!
Brian Griffin: OH NO!
Chris Griffin: OH NO!
Meg Griffin OH NO!
Kool-Aid Man: [breaks in through Court Room wall] OOOOH YEAAAHHH!...
Everyone: [silence]
Kool-Aid Man: [slowly backs out through the hole he made in the wall]

Lois Griffin: Peter, what's the big suprise?
Peter Griffin: Lois, you know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? Well, I got you your own court jester!
[Comedian Jerry Seinfeld jumps into the room, wearing a mideval court jester suit.]
Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, guys, good to be here in New England! And what's the deal with "New England," anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.

I Never Met the Dead Man [1.02]

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"]
Stewie Griffin: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois Griffin: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie Griffin: Very well then. L...
[Lois shoves the Broccoli into his mouth. Stewie then spits it out.]
Stewie Griffin: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois Griffin: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie Griffin: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

[Playing with his Sesame Street phone]
Stewie Griffin: Put me through to the Pentagon!
Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie Griffin: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now isn't it?
Phone: Can you count to three?
Stewie Griffin: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [He pulls out a gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

Peter Griffin: Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

Stewie Griffin: So broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you!

Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tommorow: A few sprinkles of genius with A CHANCE OF DOOM!

Peter Griffin: Come on. Let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast Animals, Slow Children.

Tom Tucker: Because of an accident at the Quahog Cable Company all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
Technician: You guys, we're still on in Boston.

Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately, Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.

Brian Griffin: Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before except my invisible friend Col. Schwartz!

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together? [Lois laughs] Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom Tucker: That frigid old cow lives in Quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying.
Technician: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.

Chitty Chitty Death Bang [1.03]

Chris Griffin: They have this game where you put in a dollar and win four quarters! I win every time!

Peter and Chris arrive at Cheesy Charlie's, which appears to be Dracula's mansion. Inside, Children are being tortured and fed gruel
Cheesy Charlie's Manager (appears as the devil) : Welcome to Cheesy Charlie's...HEIL HITLER!
Peter Griffin: Uhhhh actually the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful, and still sexually appealling wife Lois.
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Ah yes, we're all set for your little boy's party.
Peter Griffin: I understand we're getting quite a terrific bargain here.
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Oh absolutely, the children get to play our games, and if they win enough tickets, they get a prize.
Timmy: I have 13 tickets now, is that enough?
Cheesy Charlie's Worker: Oh sorry Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live (Timmy falls into a pit)
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: They also get food, cake, and your choice of ice cream flavors, vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, or people.
Peter Griffin: What was that last one?
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Chocolate...now give me the check!
Peter Griffin: Hold it pal! Lois may have had her heart set on this place, but I love my family too much to risk their lives. Come on Chris, we're leaving!
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: OH NO YOU'RE NOT! (pulls a lever that straps Peter and Chris in chairs)
Peter Griffin: Ohhh, please don't make me angry pal, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry! (Peter mutates into the Incredible Hulk)

[holding a rubber condom ]
Chris Griffin: Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom. Look, I won a balloon!

Peter Griffin: [After losing his Cheesie Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Brian Griffin: [applauds] Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Brian Griffin: Peter, face it. You're a terrible liar.
[Flashback to Peter getting into an elevator with another man. The other man sniffs a foul odor.]
Peter Griffin: Uhh...it was you.

Stewie Griffin: Now listen to me... "Jo-lene". I have an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. AND NO PICKLES! Oh, God help you if I find pickles!

Airport Security Guard: Okay, little buddy, are you lost?
Stewie Griffin: The only way you can get me to talk is through slow, painful torture and I don't think you've GOT THE GRAPES!

Stewie Griffin: Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from NOTHING!

[to the airport security guard]
Stewie Griffin: Hmm... The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom. You're saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it. As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next ten years IN FROZEN CARBONITE!!
[draws an advanced weapon and fires at close range, freezing the security guard solid-- much like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back].

Brian Griffin: Well Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're going to pull a party out of your ass you might want to stand up.

Peter Griffin: It's no good Brian. All I could find on such short notice was that big ass piñata.
[looking at a butt-shaped piñata ]
Brian Griffin: I sure hope candy comes out of that.

Peter Griffin: Face it, Brian, I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.

[riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Stewie Griffin: And no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Meg Griffin: Oh, Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever!
Peter Griffin: Aw, no you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from The Judds?

Brian Griffin: She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?
Lois Griffin: *gasp*
Brian Griffin: I said runt.

Mind Over Murder [1.04]

Stewie Griffin: I order you to kill me at once!

Boy: You hit my mom!
Peter Griffin: No, I hit your dad.
Bystander: Stand back, give her some air.
Peter Griffin: You mean give him some air.
Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
Peter Griffin: You mean he's going into labor.
[baby crying]
Peter Griffin: Whoops.

Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm just like Tim Allen... I build stuff AND I have a criminal record!

Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens. Inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hoopers. [he puts on some pants and drinks out of a beer bottle and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish YOU wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert! [Bert groans while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]

[at the grocery store]
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter Griffin: Hey, listen pal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter Griffin: Now hang on a second there.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding hooters! [she is holding owls]
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
Peter Griffin: All right that's it!

A Hero Sits Next Door [1.05]

Peter Griffin: Hey uh, Mr. Weed I got a great idea for a new line of TV action figures: Facts of Life Transformers. Eh? Watch this transformation. [holds out a doll of a woman] Cute as a button... [He presses the button. The doll inflates] Fat as a cow... [He presses the button again. The doll turns into a green scorpion ] Radioactive scorpion!

Brian Griffin: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but uh I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs]
Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.

Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Peter Griffin: [singing] Jesus loves me, He loves me a bunch, 'Cause he always puts Skippy in my lunch.

Cop radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian Griffin: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?

Chris Griffin: Cool! The bank is getting jacked!

The Son Also Draws [1.06]

Brian Griffin: Oh good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you?
[Stewie mumbles in agreement]
Brian Griffin: You know the tubs where you take your little baths? They've done it there too.
Stewie Griffin: Argh-eugh!

[watching Happy days]
Brian Griffin: You have anything on that remote lower than mute?

Brian Griffin: Uh, thanks but no thanks. I've been to New York City, it's like Prague sans the whimsy.

Peter Griffin: Oh my God, Brian! There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOOO'!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Stewie Griffin: Stupid, greedy savages!
Lois Griffin: Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their way. But most Native Americans are proud hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.
[The More You Know]
Stewie Griffin: That's funny, Mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
[The More You Know]
Meg Griffin: Yeah. Not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?
[The More You Know]
Peter Griffin: Yeah. Which is more than we ever got from those freeloading Canadians.
[background fades to black]
Peter Griffin: Canada sucks.

Peter: Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs!
Man: My, Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Margaret looks up, shocked.
Margaret: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
The man looks up, shocked.
Man: Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
Margaret looks up, shocked.

Brian: Portrait of a Dog [1.07]

Peter Griffin: C'mon, everyone, that Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start! [all of the family rushes to the television]
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his room, sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich.
Nancy Bradford: [laughs] Oh, Dad, that's your solution to everything!
[Tom becomes visibly angry and slaps Nancy out of her chair, striking her eight times. Mary runs back into the room and grabs his hand.]
Mary Bradford: Dad! Dad!
Tom Bradford: Whaaaaat????
Mary Bradford: Eight is enough!
[Tom snaps out of it and starts to laugh. Mary and Nancy start to laugh as well.]
Tom Bradford: You know, I love you girls!
[shot switches to the Griffin family, all of their mouths agape]

Meg Griffin: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!

[to a dog sniffing his butt]
Brian Griffin: Do I know you?

Peter Griffin: I don't get how those two manage to be so perky in the morning.

[writing a letter]
Peter Griffin: Dear MacGuyver...Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.

Chris Griffin: I stole $10 from Meg's room!
Meg Griffin: I stole $10 from mom's purse!
Lois Griffin: I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for years!

Season 2

Peter Peter Caviar Eater [2.01]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Peter Griffin: I do. You bastard.

Peter Griffin: No no, Lois. It's time you started living like the Pieceofschmidt you are.
Lois Griffin: That's Pewterschmidt!

Stewie Griffin: Cut my eggs!
Waiter: [does so] Your eggs are cut, sir.
Stewie Griffin: Cut my milk!
Waiter: I can't sir! It's liquid!
Stewie Griffin: IMBECILE! Freeze it, then cut it! Question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail, and I promise I won't make it easy for you!

[Rings three different bells summoning three butlers]
Stewie Griffin: You! Bring me the Wall Street Journal. You two! Fight to the death.

Peter Griffin: Hey, old bean. What are you doing with my Star Wars glass?
Brian Griffin: Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City he saw that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself. You're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father.
Peter Griffin: That's not true! That's impossible.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do. You Bastard.

This House is Freakin' Sweet'
M+B:Maids and Butlers
MB: We Only Live to kiss your ass.
Butler: Kiss it, we'll even wipe it for you.

Holy Crap [2.02]

Lois Griffin: Chris, that's a horrible word. Pussywillows...

Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't eat. I'm too grossed out by Grandpa's ears.
Chris Griffin: I know. They're like a big, gray enchanted forest.
Lois Griffin: Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross. And they are certainly not an enchanted forest.

Chris Griffin: I didn't know there was a 5:00 a.m. Mass. I didn't even know there was a 5:00 a.m. What else haven't you told me?!

[watching baseball ]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs around? I would bring it with me!

Lois Griffin: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter Griffin: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever gets back. ...I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.

Tom Tucker: That's right, Diane. And I'll tell you what else will be examined, this cock. Yes, The Rhode Island Cock Society will be sponsoring free check-ups for this year's Cock Awareness Week. I don't know why such a suggestive name. They could've just as easily gone with "rooster." Diane.

[reading the Bible ]
Stewie Griffin: My my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Chris Griffin: Please, don't say pooh.

[imagining Hell]
Peter Griffin: Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

Peter Griffin: To the Popemobile!

Peter Griffin: We all enjoy the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: The one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

Da Boom [2.03]

Peter Griffin: Chicken.. gave me.. a bad coupon..

Peter Griffin: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?

Mutant Rat: [Roaring]
Joe Swanson: Bring it on!

Coupon Seller: Y2K! The world is gonna end tonight at midnight!
Peter: Nooooo! *runs over to Trix rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand* Silly rabbit Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to steal Easter from Jesus!

Brian in Love [2.04]

Stewie Griffin: How ironic. 'Rogers.' It almost rhymes with: 'Eliminate.'

Stewie Griffin: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm DAMN WELL READY! Until then you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be DAMN GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! Starting right... [He strains for a moment. Nothing happens.] Well, not now... BUT SOON!

Tom Tucker: And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist and that just happens to be Glen's fetish.

Diane Simmons: And now part three of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of person would do that, you might ask? Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover.
Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish chick before. Olé!

Stewie Griffin: Up, up! Stewie wants to go uppie!
Lois Griffin: You want me to pick you up, sweetie?
Stewie Griffin: Momma's skin's so soft.
Lois Griffin: My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.
Stewie Griffin: Another, another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin: All right! That's enough! I mean, would you all excuse me, please?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?

Peter Griffin: Hey, what ever happened to your lady friend?
Brian Griffin: We decided to stay good friends. I found out that there are a lot of different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was.
Peter Griffin: So she dumped you, huh? The hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right.

Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I oughta give you beer. It goes right through you.
Stewie Griffin: Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Y-y-yea?



Love Thy Trophy [2.05]

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric?
Peter Griffin: Esoteric...?
[Cut-scene: inside Peter's head]
Man 2: Could it mean sexy?
Man 3: I think it's a science term.
Man 4: Fellas, esoteric means delicious.
[Back to reality]
Peter Griffin: Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food.
Brian Griffin: Swing and a miss.

Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s, I was always in bed by eight... and home by eleven! Oh!

Kevin Swanson: My dad always says, "measure twice, cut once."
Cleveland Jr.: My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!"

Waitress: Here you go, hon. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they're from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan!
Waitress: Try 'em. You'll like 'em.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, I rather doubt that.
[takes a bite of the pancakes]
Stewie Griffin: Yes! These are delectable. Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you!

[after running out of his house in a nightrobe]
Quagmire: What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk---ed out of a sound sleep!

Stewie Griffin: Giddyup, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! HYAAH!

Meg Griffin: Being a single mother is hard, but the real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right, Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: What's that? Yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!
Meg Griffin: This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in three weeks.

Stewie Griffin: What's this? Blueberries? Oh, my...that's better than sex!

Quagmire: Well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass!

Stewie Griffin: My God, I've been adopted by a Benetton ad.

Chris Griffin: So this is where babies come from?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Chris, this is where babies come from.
Chris Griffin: [to Lois] You told me I came out of your vagina!

Stewie Griffin: Damn it! I want pancakes! God, you people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click-bloody-click pancakes!
Sarah: Poor little guy. "Pancakes" must be street for "crack."

Joe Swanson: Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world!!

Indian Child: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Indian Child: Li, would your people really do this?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who will in turn sell them to Yuri's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you understand, yes? You all hate each other.

[Peter has just come down through the chimney to "rescue" Stewie.]
Stewie Griffin: Oh Hossana, it's the lesser of two evils.

[Peter has just come down through the chimney to "rescue" Stewie.]
Peter Griffin: Hey, kids, it's Santa Claus, just practicing up for Christmas.
Indian Child: But, you're white. Mark and Amy always said Santa Claus was Indian.
Black Child: Don't be stupid. Santa is black!
Indian Child: Santa can't be black, for we do not fear him.
Asian Child: Cram it Ghandi! Santa is Asian.
Mexican Child: How can Santa be Asian? He doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice-paddy Mula!
[The children start fighting as Peter carries Stewie away]
Stewie: Dance, puppets, dance!

Peter Griffin: To our neighbors. Sure, they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they ever moved out... some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Woman: Glenn, honey, I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Hey, I've got a question for you, too: why are you still here?

Death is a Bitch [2.06]

Doctor: Mr. Griffin all your tests came back negative. As it turns out the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter Griffin: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute, how the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Doctor: Can't it be both?

Peter Griffin: Wait a second, that's it. They can't make a dead guy pay his bill. All I got to do is write "deceased" right here where it says name, and where it says "sex", I'll write "No thanks, I'm dead". It's bulletproof.

Death: Oh, the doctor! Well I guess he must know, right? I mean, he's a doctor and everything, and I'm just Death!

[to Death]
Stewie Griffin: Hello, I'm Stewie. Big fan.

Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
Peter Griffin: Hey look, I know my doctor was hitting on me but you don't have to call him names!

Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?

[Playing the Game of Life ]
Death: I know I should find this ironic, but really I'm just bored as hell.

Death: What did you make this cocoa made of, crap?
Lois Griffin: If you want me to make it again...
Death: Sorry, Lois it's my fault. I just assumed you were going to make it with milk. Not crap.

Death: Oh, Sandy! Sandy!
[Sandy falls silent]
Death: Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever!...Or am I?

Diane Simmons: Our own Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself!

Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England...

[to Death]
Stewie Griffin: We can stay in touch can't we? Oh oh oh, what's your e-mail? Mine is LoisMustDie - all one word - at yahoo.com.

[at a coffin store]
Peter Griffin: I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60.
Salesman: Sir, that casket costs $1,000.
Peter: Okay, $70.
Salesman: What?
Peter: $2,000.
Salesman: That's twice the cost!
Peter: $40.
Salesman: What?
Brian Griffin: He doesn't know how to haggle.

The King is Dead [2.07]

Stewie Griffin: You know, mother, as First Lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, 'I'm going to kill you!'

Peter Griffin: I don't get it Lois. I'm not the King. I'm not I. I'm not anybody. So what, I had sex with you for nothing?

Diane Simmons: You don't look anything like the ad. You better be huge.

Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom?
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
[Diane tries to smile sweetly]

Diane Simmons: They did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful.

[shoots food at Peter]
Stewie Griffin: You! You, are the worst thing to happen to musical theatre since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
[shoots food at Lois]
Stewie Griffin: And you! Well, I just plain don't like you.

I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar [2.08]

Hot woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good.
Hot woman 2: And it sure is hot. [takes her top off]
Hot woman 1: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you!
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois Griffin: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

[upon watching a protest on "free Tibet"]
Peter Griffin: I'll take it!
[goes to a phone booth]
Peter Griffin: Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost you. That's right. All the tea.
[Sinister instrumental music]

Lois Griffin: I knew there was a catch. You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's a small price to pay, Lois. I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat!
Quagmire: Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm gettin' a boat!
Cleveland Brown: Hey Quagmire, I'm also getting a boat too.
Joe Swanson: RIGHT ON!! I can't wait to get my sea legs! YEEAH!!
Peter Griffin: Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.
Fat Albert: Hey hey hey! I'm gettin' a boat!
Peter Griffin: Aw, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat.

Salesman: You can have the boat or the mystery box.
Lois Griffin: What, are you crazy? We'll take the boat.
Peter Griffin: Not so fast, Lois. A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we wanted one.
Lois Griffin: Then let's...
Peter Griffin: We'll take the box.
Lois Griffin: [mocking] "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?
[flashback to 10 minutes ago]
Peter Griffin: A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat. You know how much we wanted one.
Lois Griffin: Then let's...
Peter Griffin: We'll take the box.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other!

Stewie Griffin: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar. [laughs]. Oh, that's right. I went there.

Peter Griffin: Women are not people; they are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Gloria Ironbox: You haven't heard a word I've said!
Peter Griffin: Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just... you know... there's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. [squeezes her boob twice] Honk honk!
Gloria Ironbox: Okay, that's it!

[Peter walks onto a bus enroute to a women's retreat]
Peter Griffin: Okay okay, so here's what I'm thinking, I'll be Charlie and you can all be my angels. [turns to ugly woman] Except for you, you be Bosley.

Stewie Griffin: Hello mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time, if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie.

Peter Griffin: That reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam. [feels himself] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. A lump! A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God!...nope, Cheeto.

Quagmire: Let's blow this sausage fest and hit the international house of tail.

If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin' [2.09]

Peter Griffin: So Chris failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19.

Peter Griffin: Bryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have some day.
Lois Griffin: Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers.
Peter Griffin: Oh nice Lois, so just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?

Diane Simmons: Tom has dared me to do the news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00.

Peter Griffin: If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll be really upset. The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed, Peter Griffin. [struck-through words were erased from the letter after white-out was spilled]

Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Well you, you can't eat a stapler-
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?

Peter Griffin: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah.

Peter Griffin: Hey flat head, chop-chop.

Peter Griffin: I look like a freaking emmy! Hint hint.

Peter Griffin: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation? [while slapping Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

Peter Griffin: Stop it! Stop it! Stop worshipping me! I'm just a big fake like the moon landing and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman! I don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor. They're just both really phony, just like me. I'm sorry, okay? Now make it stop.

Brian Griffin: Peter, this is the final plague!
Peter Griffin: Good, 'cause this is starting to get really old.
Brian Griffin: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first-born son.
Peter Griffin: Oh no! Stewie!
Brian Griffin: The first-born son.
Peter Griffin: Meg.
Brian Griffin: Your wife.
Peter Griffin: Chris!

Chris Griffin: Hey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light.
Lois Griffin: No, Chris! No! Run away from the light!
Chris Griffin: Hey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?
Peter Griffin: Yes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials and Kirstie Alley is still hot and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell. Please don't take him, God. I'm sorry.
[Cut-scene: Heaven]
Man: Sir, we think the Griffin guy gets it.
God: Good, good. [speaking into intercom] Peggy, turn off the plagues, please.
Peggy: Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson.
God: She's new.

Running Mates [2.10]

Stewie Griffin: Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy! [to Lois] What the deuce are you standing here for? You should be out there, giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! [Lois kisses him on the head] Not this baby!

Stewie Griffin: Oh my! Look where my hand is! I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place. [shown with finger up his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Peter Griffin: This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Tom Tucker: Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The Clitoris: Nature's Rubik's Cube."

[Peter and Lois are about to begin their debate on TV]
Chris Griffin: Go dad!
Meg Griffin: He can't hear you.
Chris Griffin: [louder] GO DAD!

A Picture is Worth A 1000 Bucks [2.11]

[while waiting in line for a roller coaster]
Quagmire: Well hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

Lois Griffin: He just doesn't understand. I know artists have to make sacrifices and... Oh My God! Are you Kate Moss? Well, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.

Peter Griffin: This is my son, Chris Griffin. He's gonna be the greatest thing to happen to this city since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people secretly killed.

Fifteen Minutes of Shame [2.12]

Meg Griffin: Oh, God, kill me now!
[God aims a laser-sighted rifle at her forehead, but stops when he receives a phone call]
God: Hello? Ka-a-a-r-e-en!

Peter Griffin: [spits the wine out] Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Vicar: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

Stewie Griffin: It's not so much that I want to kill her...it's just...I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

Chris Griffin: One time, my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and then lied about it.
Joe Swanson: [watching this on TV] I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up!
Bonnie Swanson Wow, Joe, this kinda makes you like Larry from Three's Company... you know, I always thought he was sexy.
Joe Swanson: YES! I am all about Larry over here!

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, I'm home! [looks at couch to see people who are not her family] Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
Meg Griffin No, you're not; you're Tom Arnold, and you're Fran Drescher, and you're um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're... the Olsen twins?
Mary Kate: [as Stewie; not using an irish accent] Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley: [as Brian] Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Peter Griffin: Look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!

Lois Griffin: Meg, you have two parents who love you and... (noticing herself on the TV) What does that say under me? (reads caption - "Lois Griffin - Probably more of a bitch than she lets on") Oh, go fuck yourself, Diane!
Audience: [gasps]
Stewie Griffin: She said a swear!

Meg Griffin: Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? [after noticing Quagmire on the kitchen table with a blonde]: Oh, my God, excuse me!
Glenn Quagmire: No problem, Meg! You probably bought me another three minutes. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity!

Road to Rhode Island [2.13]

Lois Griffin: Oh Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhhh, about a quarter past five.

Man in Airport: Aren't you a little young to be traveling by yourself?
Stewie Griffin: Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces?

Brian Griffin: I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment.
[vomits]
Brian Griffin: And a stomach virus.
[falls off stool]
Brian Griffin: ...and an inner ear infection.

Airport Security: Sorry little man, everything gets X-rayed.
[takes Stewie's bag and puts it on the X-ray machine belt]
Stewie Griffin: Wait there's really no need to...
[starts singing]
Stewie Griffin: On the good ship, lollypop...
[airport security is distracted as his bags pass through the X-Ray machine]
Stewie Griffin: God, I hope Osama doesn't know showtunes.
[behind him in line is Osama Bin Laden who sings]
Osama Bin Laden: God I hope I get it, I hope I get it. How many people does he need, how many boys how many girls
[Note: This scene has not aired after September 11th, 2001 and is not included on DVD Volume 1, but it is included on the Freakin' Sweet Collection]

Stewie Griffin: 867-5309. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [Sighs] Only one thing left to do. 111-1111! Lois? Damn! 111-1112! Lois? Damn! 111-1113...

[Brian is licking Stewie while they are both dreaming]
Stewie Griffin: That's it, Mr. Giraffe, get all the marmalade.
[phone ringing]
[Stewie crawls then falls off bed]
Stewie Griffin: [yawns; touches the hot radiator by mistake] Hello--? Ow! Ow! Ow! Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted Hell!!

Brian Griffin [waking up]: Where are we?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, we needed a weekend away from the kids. You know, just us. We have to get the hell out of here!

Brian Griffin: Hola. Me llamo es Brian. Uh, let's see... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes...
Drifter: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just "Me llamo Brian."
Brian Griffin: Oh, you speak English.
Drifter: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian Griffin: You're kidding me, right?
Drifter: Que?

Woman on tape: And then guess what, I'm going to add...
Peter Griffin: Oh geez if she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it.

Brian Griffin: Say something...
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Just - say something!
Stewie Griffin: Oh for God sakes. Uhh... Yea, and God said to Abraham, 'you will kill your son Isaac' and Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone' and God said, 'Oh I'm sorry, is this better? Check-check, check; Jerry pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here'
Brian Griffin: Say something about my mother!!
Stewie Griffin: Oh! Yes, sorry. I never knew Biscuit as a dog... but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length-
Brian Griffin: Thanks thanks, that's enough.
Stewie Griffin: Uh, yes. Requiem In Terra Pax and so forth. Amen.

Let's Go To The Hop [2.14]

Peter Griffin: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois, you're my silver medal.

Lois Griffin: The safety word is "banana."

Peter Griffin: And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me?
Principal Shepherd: But, you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said, "And that's my plan".
Peter Griffin: Oh oh, right. Okay, here's my idea.
[scene transition, same location]
Peter Griffin: And that's my plan, Principal Sheppard.
Principal Shepherd: Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it!
[Principal Shepherd shoves Peter out of his office]
[Peter gets a call while sitting on his couch]
Principal Shepherd: I love it! You have the faculty's full support. But how will you pull it off?
Peter Griffin: You let me worry about that, kitten.

School Teacher: That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. You know what that means. A witch!
Various schoolchildren: Witch! Witch!
[They begin to stone her]

Peter Griffin: Holy crap! It's the Breakfast Club!
Tony the Tiger: You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. I got a carton of cigarettes. Old man grabbed me, said "Hey, smoke up, Tony! They're Gr-r-reat!" Bastard.

Peter Griffin: Oh oh, and today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose, you know, to make the guys laugh. And I swear to God, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salisbury steak.

Dammit Janet [2.15]

Chris Griffin: If you get a job, who's gonna feed me and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet?

Lois Griffin: It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey."

Peter Griffin: Okay, everyone, it's time for my one-man show Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye. Okay, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm..."
Man: My wife is very ill!
Man's Wife: Yes! Do you mind? I paid $380 for this flight!
Peter Griffin: $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you at first! This is my fourth trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky.
[cutaway to KFC restaurant]
Peter Griffin: W-w-w-w-wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the Colonel isn't even working today?
KFC Employee: [speaks in a Southern accent] He ain't real. He dead.
Peter Griffin: What?
KFC Employee: I say he dead.
Peter Griffin: IS MR. SANDERS IN?
KFC Employee: What wrong wid you? I say you he dead.
Peter Griffin: THE COLONEL!

Lois Griffin: My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! Have you seen the lips on that woman? It's like a baboon's ass on her face!

Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey, you okay there, Mr. Crocodile? Huh? Wake up, wake up, wake up! Need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin? Huh? Huh? Huh, there you go.

Chris Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet.
[Peter is puppeteering the house]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey, stay out of here! Hey, nobody better come in here! I'm the Griffins' house! Bring me a toolshed, for I grow hungry!

Stewie Griffin: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first HA.

Lois Griffin: I need some excitement!
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting! For example. [takes out a blowtorch and sets fire to the curtains] There you go. Goodnight!

There's Something About Paulie [2.16]

Lois Griffin: Peter, thank God! Did you take care of that thing?
Peter Griffin: That thing? Oh, oh, you mean that growth. Yeah yeah, I had the doctor look at that.
[flashback]
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well what about the....
Doctor: Testicles.
Peter Griffin: Huh.

Girl on The Dating Game: If I were an ice cream cone, how would you eat me?
Contestant 1: I'd invite my friend Rudy over and we'd give you a double dip.
Contestant 2: I would lick the fudge off real slow and cover you with my special whipped topping.
Peter Griffin: Well, I would eat you really fast before I became flaccid.

Peter Griffin: What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

Peter Griffin: Because together we can do anything face any foe, overcome any obstacle. Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois. Other people's phones. Decent phones! God-fearing phones! Phones that everybody else gave up on but we knew better, because we were a team!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you talking about?

He's Too Sexy For His Fat [2.17]

Chris Griffin: I love you, She-Hulk.

Security Guard: All right, son. I'm gonna need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult!
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter! You're just a fat kid. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom! He's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big old fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks!

Peter Griffin: Why don't you want to take your shirt off?
Chris Griffin: Because I'm fat.
Lois Griffin: Honey, no one thinks you're fat.
Hotel Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter Griffin: This is my son!
Hotel Attendant: My apologies. Hey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid!

Chris Griffin: Dad, I don't like running. The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears.

Lois Griffin: Have you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise. He finally figured out how to catch the Twinkie.
Chris Griffin: [To the Twinkie] I'm turning you into poo!

Peter Griffin: Chris, sometimes it's best not to fit in. [We then see a group of soldiers in Vietnam, and Peter, dressed as a clown, follows them.] You're all stupid. See, they'll be looking for army guys.

[runs down the hallway and slides into a table]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you Mop 'n Glow!

E. Peterbus Unum [2.18]

Peter Griffin: Thanks to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the US. From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! I'd call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport already took it.

Joe Swanson: I spent my refund on a digital TV with Surround Sound. With headphones, I can watch Steven Seagal films without waking Bonnie.
[Cut to Joe sitting in bed wearing headphones, Bonnie sleeping.]
Joe Swanson: Yes! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!

Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, it's better than I thought! An "Audi." I'm getting a car!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, there's a "T" in there. That says "audit."
Peter Griffin: No, Brian, it's a foreign car; the T is silent. Sweet, I'm getting an Audi!
Chris Griffin: I have an "innie!"

Cleveland Brown: Peter, that tickles me in a way that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say, "Oh, yeah. That's nice. That's the spot."

Lois Griffin: My son, Chris, is in charge of our space program. We hope to get to the moon very shortly.
[Chris is on a treebranch reaching for the Moon]
Chris Griffin: Almost...
[Branch breaks, Chris falls while screaming]
Chris Griffin: They should really use monkeys for this.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Diarrhea!
Lois Griffin: [laughing] Oh Peter! I'm holding iced tea.

Mayor Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.

[talking to Rupert]
Stewie Griffin: Rupert, did you know that the word 'gullible' isn’t in the dictionary? ...[passes dictionary to Rupert]... What's that, it ISN’T? ...[takes dictionary]... Oh, Rupert, hoisted by my own petard! Haha! Haha!......I am so alone...

[sitting on his couch with a woman having drinks; a large red-tipped missile crashes through the ceiling - he points at it]
Quagmire: To answer your question, something like that.

Quagmire: Hey Peter, you can't drink that outside. You could end up in jail! And not the good jail, like on Cinemax; the MAN jail.

Peter Griffin: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian Griffin: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin Wrong, the ugly one!

Foreman: Well, I fixed the power line, but the town's zoning laws prohibit building a pool here.
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? It's my yard!
Foreman: Sorry, but your house is too close to the curb.
Peter Griffin: Well... your eyes are too close too your nose.
Foreman: That may be, but you know what? I only need one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!
Peter Griffin: Hey, wa-wa-wait, come back here! [Forman turns head] ...I have to draw you. [forman turns body, grins]



IRS agent: ...but unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund.
Peter Griffin: AHH!
IRS agent: Mr. Griffin, is something wrong?
Peter Griffin: Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party of Five. It'll take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying?
IRS agent: You're not entitled to a refund.
Peter Griffin: AHH! I'm sorry, come again?
IRS agent: You're not entitled to a refund!
Peter Griffin: AHH!
IRS agent: [sigh] Was that for Party of Five too?
Peter Griffin: No, that was for my refund! What the hell's Party of Five?

[after Petoria invades and occupies Joe's pool]
Chris Griffin: Dad, I tried to get to school this morning but that guy won't let me!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The United States Army.
Peter Griffin: Ooooo, that's a good army.

The Story on Page One [2.19]

Lois Griffin: My days in college were so exciting. This one time the National Guard came and shot some of my friends.

[At Brown University ]
Chris Griffin: Brown is the color of poo!
Brian Griffin: Yes. Yes it is.

Mayor Adam West: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. And, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny.
Meg Griffin: You've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...
Mayor Adam West: My God! Somebody's stealing my water! It just went down the drain. They're crafty, I tell you. It happens when you least expect it. Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!
Meg Griffin: You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story.
Mayor Adam West: Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination!

Meg Griffin: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Mayor Adam West: How do you know my language?
Meg Griffin: Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands.
Mayor Adam West: Are you Sarah Connor?
Meg Griffin: No, I'm Meg Griffin.

Luke Perry: Peter. I'm kind of busy right now.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that's okay. Well, thanks...
Luke Perry: So, where were we?
Mayor Adam West: If I do this, you promise to stop stealing my water?
Luke Perry: Yeah, whatever.

Brian Griffin: Mission accomplished. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting.
Peter Griffin: That's no good, Brian. Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they first came to this country from France.

Peter Griffin: Meg, remember that pony you wanted when you were six? Well, I've been waiting for a time like this... [he opens the closet door, but a skeleton of a pony is there] Oh, that's right... ponies... ponies like food, don't they? Oh boy.

Stewie Griffin: Maybe if you laid down with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a bell?

Meg Griffin I have no future! I'm just gonna go up to my room and wait till I'm dead!
Stewie Griffin [nonchalantly] I'll be up there shortly.

Wasted Talent [2.20]

Tom Tucker: We interrupt with this news. After years of isolation, mysterious and eccentric brewmeister Pawtucket Pat, announced he's opening his never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few. Pawtucket Pat has placed four silver scrolls in four random beers. Each lucky scroll-winner and a guest of their choice will take a magical tour of the brewery and walk away with a lifetime supply of beer. What? Don't complain. This is actually making you look attractive.

Tom Tucker: That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. What I did was wrong. As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. Kind of tickles.
[Screaming]
Tom Tucker: Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes!
Diane Simmons: In other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought.

Cleveland Brown: Wow! Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household.

Cleveland Brown: It seems Joe has found the first scroll. He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good like saltwater taffy or a Chunky.

Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter Griffin: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not drunk. I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Peter Griffin (Younger): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.

Fore Father [2.21]

Stewie [singing]: Surfside six. [high voice] Who lives there? [singing] Surfside six. [high voice] Young bachelors? [singing] ...in Miami beach!

Chris Griffin: Oh, my God! My fish is gone! ...and he robbed me!

Stewie: Tell me, Doctor Hartman, do all the children fall in love with you?

Cleveland Jr.: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no!

Cleveland Jr.: I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods!

Cleveland Jr.: Hey, look at me! I'm Pelé! I'm Pelé! Goal!

Stewie: "Pink as a pistol"? Good Lord, I can't even form a cogent simile any more!

Cleveland Brown: Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr. Sit still for anything. Sometimes, I wonder if he's got the epilepsy but then I just go see what's on the TV.

Chris Griffin: I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.

Quagmire: Do you take credit cards?
Stripper: Sure.
Quagmire: [after swiping his card] Can I get stamps?

Delivery Girl: Package for Glenn Quagmire.
Quagmire: [comes out wearing only his underwear] Excuse me. [leaves]
[returns, naked]
Quagmire: I've got a package for you, too! All right!
[delivery girl sprays pepper spray in his face]
Quagmire: Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.

Quagmire: The only tent I'm pitching tonight is...well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!

Cleveland Brown: I can't believe how terrible the fishing was.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can, and this book of clichés.

Adam West: [Talking to bottle of beer sitting on his desk] All right, listen to me you long-necked bastard, you give me the scroll and I make you head of sanitation services for the entire city, it's a do nothing job sweet cake.

Season 3

The Thin White Line [3.01]

Lois Griffin: The Old Man and the Sea. I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise.
Peter Griffin: Yeah. Stupid fisherman. Sitting out there in a boat yammering to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him.

Stewie Griffin: Splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home.
Brian Griffin: Everybody, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!??

[to Meg and Chris]
Brian Griffin: Look at you two: Quasimodo and Lumpy. I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn!

[high on cocaine]
Brian Griffin: My day? Un-freakin'-believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll--HER DOLL for God's sake! Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!

Peter Griffin: Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. I miss the good old days when you were my sidekick.
[Cut-scene: Peter immitating David Letterman ]
Peter Griffin: Uh, so she hated my tie... until I told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber.
[Studio audience laughing]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music?
Brian Griffin: [Singing a'la Paul Shaffer ] Peter's tie, Peter's tie, that's because, Peter's the guy! All right, that's it. A little tie music.
Peter Griffin: Ye hee hee! Yeah!

Peter Griffin: Hey listen lady, I don't pay you to think, as a matter of fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it!

Peter Griffin: [Trying to come up with a fake name in the rehab clinic cafateria] Oh, lets see... [looks around room] uh... [sees a pea on someone's plate] Pea... uh... [sees a woman crying] tear... [sees a Griffin inexplicably fly across the room] Griffin. Yeah, Peter Griffin... Aw crap.

Stewie Griffin: Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie. [laughs by himself]
Stewie Griffin: Nothing? Wait. No. I should've said: "Chi-wah-wah." [laughs by himself again]
Stewie Griffin: I don't have to fucking impress you!

Cop 1: [talking to Brian] Good luck rookie!
Cop 2: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 3: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Rehab Counselor: Brian, you know this degenerate?
Peter Griffin: Degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood [3.02]

Chris Griffin: Swallow a pebble!

Stewie Griffin: Oh god look at me - having sex with a pig; I've become my father!

Announcer: Last time on Family Guy!
Lois Griffin: [phone rings] Chris tell Peter not to start the car! [outside car blows up]
Stewie Griffin: You want my badge number, you want my badge number! [hits guy in the face] Heres my freaking badge number!
Lois Griffin: In all my years of research I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly!
Lois Griffin: The case isn't over yet!
Peter Griffin: Lois the case is already over!
Meg Griffin: Face it Mom, Dad is never coming out of that coma! [gets slapped by Lois]
Peter Griffin: Oh my God! Brian had gone to Hollywood to find himself!

Stewie Griffin: I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things, not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.

Bill Cosby: So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
Stewie Griffin: I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington [3.03]

Lois Griffin: [in a dream] Oh, my, what is all this? My son is a killer! Maybe I should've been listening to all those things he was saying.
Stewie Griffin: [clapping] Good job, Lois. You've finally found out my secret. Sorry you won't live to tell about it. Cheerio!
[Stewie opens a hole in the floor which Lois falls through; Lois wakes up from the dream]
Peter Griffin: What's wrong, honey?
Lois Griffin: I just had the strangest dream. It was about Stewie... and Cheerios... oh, it's gone.

Chris Griffin: Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.

Chris Griffin: If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it!

[In court]
Peter Griffin: Baba-booie! Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! Baba-Booie

Peter Griffin [to Congressman Dick Armey]: Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name? Vagina Coast Guard?

Peter Griffin Maybe you killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, maybe you killed her when you hit her over the head with a chair. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her; smokin' cigarrettes.

Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And then you will understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Peter Griffin: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
[cut to Alyssa Milano in real life, watching the show]
Alyssa Milano: What kind of cheap shot... Joel!
Joel: I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it.

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea [3.04]

Diane Simmons: Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog. We now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster.
Tricia Takanawa: Diane, I am here in...
[gets knocked away by a car]

Tom Tucker: Our top story. The Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground.
Diane Simmons: Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene.
Tricia Takanawa: Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist? Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like [cuts to a picture of a giant, fire-breathing, insect-like monster]. Anyone with information about this suspect should contact Quahog police immediately. One thing is certain, the pain here is palpable. For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."

Tom Tucker: In a late-breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now go live to Hispanic reporter, Maria...
[Stuttering]
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know what it is.
Maria Jimenez: Tom, at this moment we're approaching the suspect's house.
Peter Griffin: This is better than Cops. You know there's a fat drunk guy in there.
Cop 1: Hold it!
Cop 2: Freeze!
Cop 1: There he is.
Cop 2: Hands up. You're coming with us.
Peter Griffin: No, wait, hold on, I want to see what they do with this jackass.
Cop 2: Hands up!
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! Peter, you didn't!
Peter Griffin: Hey, fatty's wife is a babe!
Cop 2: That's it!
Maria Jimenez: Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities.
Bad Roach: Good. Good.
Peter Griffin: The fat guy's struggling. Hit him, you stupid pigs, hit him! Use the billy...

Peter Griffin: What the hell's he talking about?
Cleveland Brown: Beats me. The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette.
Peter Griffin: Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, well, since you have such great hearing, hear this:
[Stewie mouths "Fuck you."]
Brian Griffin: I'm telling.
Stewie Griffin: Wait, I said vacuum!

Judge: Mr. Griffin, you and your friends are clearly guilty or arson. So you are free to go...Straight to jail! Ha! now you got burned. [bangs gavel] No bail.

Quagmire: Here's to The Drunken Clam, boys, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!

Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up about halfway through.

[to lesbians]
Quagmire: So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

Peter Griffin: Horace, I thought I'd never see you and the Drunken Clam again.
Horace: Ah, Florida stunk! An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking, laid eggs in my lower intestine. But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time.

Peter Griffin: I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.

And the Wiener is... [3.05]

Joe Swanson: I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm. And then another. Then everything got a little hazy... and then he had to go live with a foster family for a while.

Lois Griffin: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your [oven bell rings at this point] fuckin' eyes out! Cookies are done!

Peter Griffin: First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulphuric acid on her wins. [race] I win! [A zombified hand breaks through the ice and grabs onto his leg] Ahhh! Acid girl! It's acid girl! Ahhh!

[Smoking a cigarette and singing ala William Shatner]
Stewie Griffin: She packed my bags last night, preflight. And Zero hour, 9 am. And I'm gonna be...high...as a kite by then. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'till touchdown brings me 'round again to find: I'm not the man...they think I am at home. No, no, no no. I'm a rocket man. Rocket man, burning out his fuse out here, alone...And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'till touchdown brings me 'round again to find: I'm not the man they think I am at home. No, no, no, no. I'm a rock-it man. Rocket man, burning out his fuse out here, alone.
[Goes back to normal]
Stewie Griffin: Oh yeah. That's the good stuff.

[leaps out of a tree and lands in front of Brian with a "snow cannon" on his shoulder]
Stewie Griffin: Now is the winter of your discontent!

Stewie Griffin: Freezing my nips off out here.

Peter Griffin: [calls Lois on the living room phone from the kitchen phone] Ya, uh, Lois. I'm not going to be able to take the trash out. I'm, uh, stuck at the office.
Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact, I can see you.
Peter Griffin: [takes a step back so he's no longer in Lois's line of sight] Umm, can you see me now?
Lois Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Ok, now I'm at the office.

Meg Griffin Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie Griffin: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?
Meg Griffin: I made the flag girl squad!
Brian Griffin: So, you're a flag girl. That's great, Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, yes. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
[Brian and Stewie laugh, then high five eachother]

Peter Griffin: [driving in his new car when he pulls next to someone] Hey, when you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say, is it, is it in yet?
[keeps driving, approaches tunnel]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry baby. I'll go easy on you.
[after going in and out numerous times, crashes and then gets laughed at by supermodel bus]
Peter Griffin: Oh. My pride.

Glenn Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
Connie D'Amico: Sixteen.
Glenn Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Connie D'Amico: Mom!
Glenn Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity, giggity, gig-gi-ty!

Peter Griffin: When you see all those guys with their big houses and fancy cars and shiny gold teeth, they're all saying "Hey, don't look at my penis."

Death Lives [3.06]

Death: But too late. And by the way, when the lightning hit you...You soiled yourself. Enjoy.

Death: I gotta take a leak.
Mrs .Death: Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get you!
Death: God, she's a pain in the ass! I wish Dad was still dead.

Death: This is why I hate shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass.

Diane Simmons: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact.
[Tom Tucker snickers]
Diane Simmons: You find this funny, Tom?
Tom Tucker: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

Death's mom: Zip up your robe or you'll get frostbite!
Death: I don't have skin!
Death's mom: That's because you didn't eat your beans!

Death: Peter! Peter Frampton!
Peter Frampton: No, God! Please, no! I'm too young to die! Wait, aren't you supposed to be at Keith Richards's house?
Death: All right. If you want to live, come with me and bring your guitar, and bring that thing that makes it go... [imitates talkbox]

Lethal Weapons [3.07]

Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story. Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."
Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I say, for all of us, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Cleveland Brown: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

Lois Griffin: Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore.
[Flashback to lois in the circus]
Lois Griffin: Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.

Lois Griffin: The Drunken Clam? Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden?
Lois Griffin: The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks!
Lois Griffin: You're a big girl now. Stop it!

Peter Griffin: Hold on, Lois.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: What did you say?
Peter Griffin: About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife?
Lois Griffin: What the hell are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually.

Chris Griffin: I don't like to be touched!

Meg Griffin: Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat."

Stewie Griffin: [imitating Brian] I'm the dog! I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio! But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door!
Brian Griffin: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Antichrist who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Quagmire: Hello, 911? Yeah, it's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Quagmire: Hey baby, how 'bout you show me the Lower East side?
Transvestite: Sure.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! BACK OFF! Wait a minute, pre-op or post-op?
Transvestite: Pre-op.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! BACK OFF!

Peter Griffin: [as two New Yorkers begin to feud at church] People, please don't fight. This is a house of God... and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes.
New Yorker: Patriots suck!
Peter Griffin: Blasphemy!
[splashes Holy Water in the guy's face, creating a sizzling sound]
New Yorker: Aah! It burns!
[cut to a scientist in his laboratory, opening a package]
Scientist: Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

Peter Griffin: I got an idea... an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Stewie Griffin: Why you tottering fem-sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with. Excuse me.

The Kiss Seen Around the World [3.08]

Meg Griffin: Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort!

Meg Griffin: I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!
[blank stares from Peter and Lois]
Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts!
[more blank stares]
Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me!
[Meg runs upstairs crying]
Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?

Chris Griffin: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose it tickles my brain.
Chris Griffin: Ow! Now I don't know math.

Chris Griffin: I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo.
Chris Griffin: Oh, God! What have I done?

Stewie Griffin: I say, constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle.
Policeman: Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?
Stewie Griffin: How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!
[a nervous, jittery man walks into the police department]
Man: I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk.
Policeman: [to man] Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

[to the large seven-year-old bully who stole his tricyle]
Stewie Griffin: You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me: your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain... so, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of OUTER PAIN!!!
[draws a bazooka, which he fires point-blank at the bully, ensnaring him in a heavy net.]

Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... ooh! Big shock, a jack pops out. And, you laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside.

Neil Goldman: Don't be afraid of the fire, Meg. I won't let you burn.
[there is a beam of light and Al from Quantum Leap appears]
Neil Goldman/Sam Beckett: Al, why won't I leap?
Al: Ziggy says you can't leap until she loves you back.

Neil Goldman: ...therefore, Captain Kirk is far superior then Jean-Luc Picard.
Mr. Berler: Thank you, Neil, for that incredibly irrelevant presentation. We all know that Captain Picard is the superior officer.

[Tom Tucker is conducting an "interview" with Dustin Hoffman ]
Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
Dustin Hoffman: Are you trying to seduce me, [voice dub] Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...
Dustin Hoffman: Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.

Mr. Saturday Knight [3.09]

Knight drill sergeant: You love the Middle Ages, don't you?
Peter Griffin: Sir, yes, sir!
Knight drill sergeant: The idea of a geocentric universe makes you sexually-aroused, doesn't it!?
Peter Griffin: Sir, yes, sir!!
Knight drill sergeant: You want to make 16th century astronomer Johannes Kepler your bitch, don't you?!!
Peter Griffin: SIR, YES, SIR!!!

Diane Simmons: It's an exciting day here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. Wouldn't you say, Tom?
Tom Tucker: I'd say it was perfect if you weren't reminding us of our grandmas' cleavage.

Black Knight: You see that there, kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
Peter Griffin: Hey, no one calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

Peter Griffin: So what do you want, a Cleveland Steamer?

[sidles up to Peter]
Stewie Griffin: How you holdin' up, big guy? You want a sooooda?

Vacuum Repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum Repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.

Tom Tucker: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. And now here's Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather forecast. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: ISS GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

Emission Impossible [3.10]

Chris Griffin: I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet!

Stewie Griffin: You must receive his seed!

[to his sperm brother]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, and when you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.

Quagmire: [to a woman] If I could rearrange the dictionary I'd put U and I together. [to the next woman] You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you've got "fine" written all over you. [to the next two women, interrupting their conversation] Sorry, I don't mean to get between you...or do I? Oh!

To Live and Die in Dixie [3.11]

Chris Griffin: What kind of presents have boys gotten for you, Meg?
Meg Griffin: Oh! Well, my boyfriend, Prince Willam, got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful scepter! [Starts laughing insanely before it develops into crying and she runs out the room]
Stewie Griffin: She needs to get laid BIG TIME.

Meg Griffin: And in the city, glasses are considered really sexy.
Southern Boy: Dang, I hope her brother don't already have dibs on her!

Peter Griffin: [examining an outhouse] Hey Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole and I don't think it goes anywhere... No, it definitively doesn't go anywhere. [bird knocks outhouse over]' Oh God! Oh God! It's everywhere! It's in my raccoon wounds!

Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where all the black guys are very lazy and the white guys are just as lazy, but they're angry at the black guys for being so lazy?

Brian Griffin: Hey, look over there at the newly married gay interracial couple burning American flags.

Stewie Griffin: Ooooo I feel so delioushly white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet!

Stewie Griffin: I got blisters on me fingers!

Robber: Give me all the cash in the register!
Cashier: I can't! It only opens when you make a purchase!
Robber: Fine, then give me one of those horoscope scrolls. And, some Skittles. [reading scroll] Financial transaction benefits you today. Oooh.
Cashier: Weeird.

Stewie Griffin: Oh my god! Can they really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking] Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife. [aloud] Doing your, uh, [looks at picture on desk] son...

Meg Griffin: This is all your fault, lardo. Now I have to change schools because of you!
Peter Griffin: Me? What did I do?
Meg Griffin: No, I was talking to Chris.
Peter Griffin: Oh. [to Chris] Yeah, Lardo!

A Fish Out of Water [3.12]

Peter Griffin: There she is, boys! The SS More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and The Incredible Hulk put together.

Peter Griffin: I miss my friends. John Ritter and Alphonso Ribeiro.
Brian Griffin: Is he the guy from Silver Spoons?
Peter Griffin: Let's see, well I know he was from French Prince of Bel-Air...
Brian Griffin: Fresh Prince.
Peter Griffin: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but uh, hey Alphonso, were you on Silver Spoons?
Alphonso Ribeiro: Yes, yes I was.
Peter Griffin: Well, there you go.

Peter Griffin: Amen to that, kiddo. You guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?
Joe Swanson: Mariel Hemingway.
Peter Griffin: Come on. Really?
Cleveland: Not a good choice.
Quagmire: She's jagged.
Joe Swanson: No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way.
Quagmire: But you could cut a roast on her face.
Cleveland: I'd pick Margaret Thatcher.
Peter, Joe, Quagmire: Margaret Thatcher?
Peter Griffin: Why the hell Margaret Thatcher?
Cleveland: So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy?
Joe Swanson: How about you, Peter?
Peter Griffin: Like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from Total Recall.
Joe Swanson: Interesting. I never saw that film.
Quagmire: You know one was papier-mâché, right?
Peter Griffin: Can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you? What about you, Quagmire?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson's a guy.
Quagmire: You guys are yanking me. Let's put one over on old Quagmire.
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: This is insane! That's impossible! Oh, my God, I can't... Oh, God! I got all these magazines. Oh, God!

Salesman: You see mister Griffin, the difference between us and other banks is that other banks are banks. Now I trust you have collateral?
Peter Griffin: I've got three kids...
Salesman: I'll take em! Ha ha, just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Sign here!

Peter and Brian: [holding super rings] Wonder twin powers, activate!
[nothing happens]
Brian Griffin: Peter, we got these in a box of Frankenberrys.

[The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen outfits, talking very quickly.]
Stewie Griffin: The port is quite good.
Brian Griffin: Yes, quite good.
Chris Griffin: Indeed.
Peter Griffin: Most certainly.
Brian Griffin: What year is it?
Chris Griffin: '51.
Brian Griffin: Ah.
Peter Griffin: Delectable.
Stewie Griffin: Indeed.
Peter Griffin: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
Stewie Griffin: What is it?
Peter Griffin: I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter Griffin: It's all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie Griffin: Very good then.
Chris Griffin: For the best.
Brian Griffin: Indeed.
Stewie Griffin: Is it raining again?

Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter Griffin: If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes.

Quagmire: So, were you in an accident?
Wooden man: Noo, me father was a tree.

Screwed the Pooch [3.13]

Peter Griffin: You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, um... laid eggs. And I learned something today.

Lois Griffin: Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet?
Peter Griffin: I fixed it already.
Lois Griffin: You didn't. It's still dripping.
Peter Griffin: No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. Wait, wait. Except Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man.

Tricia Takanawa: This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Sea Breeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene.
Prostitute: Who's that, baby?
Tom Tucker: This is Tom Tucker's evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation.
[Laughing]
Tom Tucker: I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.

Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself-Oh, now he's violating Seabreeze.

Lawyer: Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's in December of 1996?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, I guess.
[flashback]
[baby screaming]
Brian Griffin: Waaaaa!! Waaaa!! You like that?
[baby screams again]
Brian Griffin: Waaaa!! Waaaa!! [to parents] You just tune this out, don't you?! You just tune it out!
[back in the courtroom]
Brian Griffin: Look, I was angry because my Moon Over My Hammy was overcooked.

[after sniffing another dog's butt]
Brian Griffin: I thought I smelled cookies.
Mort Goldman: Wow! Does it really smell like...
Mort Goldman: Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat!

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? [3.14]

Dennis Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskalnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
Peter Griffin: What the hell does "rant" mean?

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin: [flashback] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, knocking him out]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: Come in here and see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! You turned the den into Pee Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [Singing] Come on, get up! Knock off your napping. It's a crazy, messed-up place where anything can happen. There's a chair that freakin' talks! There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap! It's screwy. In Peter's Playhouse
Lois Griffin: Peter...
Peter Griffin: Wait. Watch this. Hey, Jambi! Okay, say it.
Brian Griffin: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi God, I hate you.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin: The king of cartoons will be here soon and I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: You're acting ridiculous!
Peter Griffin: You said the secret word!
[Sirens wailing]

Stewie Griffin: Good heavens, it appears that my wee wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!

[reading a notebook]
Stewie Griffin: 'Your Body and You'. [opens it] 'Every four weeks, for three or four days, it is normal for the female body to'- OH MY GOD! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! UGH!

[Quagmire walks into a toilet stall to see a cheerleader tied up and gagged.]
Quagmire: Dear diary... jackpot!"

Peter Griffin: Nate Griffin, what's heaven like?
Nate Griffin: It's all right I guess. There's a shortage of chairs.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Nate Griffin: Yeah.

Osias Griffin: Hello?
Caller: Hello, Jonathan?
Osias: No. What number are you calling?
Caller: Uh, 7.
Osias: Well this is 3.
Caller: Sorry.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, I don't think that'd be a good idea. And trust me- I know about bad ideas.
[Stewie sitting at a bar drunk with O.J. Simpson, who is not.]
Stewie Griffin: [Stuttering like a drunk] I'm... I'm telling you, Juice! She's screwin' around behind your back, and if I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it. [O.J. leaves as Stewie turns to bartender] Another mai tai?

Ready, Willing, and Disabled [3.15]

Peter Griffin: Don't forget our deal. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.

Peter Griffin: Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life.

Tom Tucker: Coming up in this half hour, our undercover exposé on conveniently placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard.

Chris Griffin: We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil.
Evil Monkey: Honey, good news! I made partner!
[Sees wife in bed with another monkey]
[Angry shrieking]

Peter Griffin: So what ever happened with that guy you caught?
Joe Swanson: Well, ironically, I severed his spinal chord when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? More competition at the games next year?
Joe Swanson: Nope. He's dead.

Stewie Griffin: A picture of Meg in a two-piece. God, I pray this isn't my first memory!

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas [3.16]

Peter Griffin: Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

Meg Griffin: We're out of paper towels.
Lois Griffin No.. paper.. TOWELS?????!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
[Lois throws a turkey into the microwave]
Peter Griffin: Hey! I was going to pick at that!
Lois Griffin: Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens. You think that all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky, WELL IT DOESN'T!!! IT FALLS FROM MY HOLLY JOLLY BUTT!!! So you can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents, and hey, while you're at it YOU CAN ALL RIDE A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH TO HELL!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
[Lois breaks a window and jumps through it]
Meg Griffin: Oh, here are the paper towels.

Lois Griffin: It's easy to wish, but does anyone take responsiblity and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!

Brian Griffin: The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
[flashback to Peter, watching MNF, pressing record button on VCR. FBI immediately slams through the door]
FBI Agent: Do you have the express written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
Peter Griffin: [holds up paper] Just ABC.

Stewie Griffin: Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus, a man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek. Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins, but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.

Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: (puts his sweater on) Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter Griffin: Aw, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian Griffin: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter Griffin: Why wasn't I told?
Brian Griffin: Well, they sent you a card, but it said "For Peter" so you must've thought it was from you and... you know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows [3.17]

Stewie Griffin: AH HA! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well vie on the toilet it's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there, lazy slothfull porcelin lay-about feeding on other people's doo-doo's while contributing nothing of its own to society. [points to the toilet] YOU GET A JOB!

From Method to Madness [3.18]

Meg Griffin: Because I like him! He remembers my name!

Chris Griffin: BOOBIES!!
Lois Griffin: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
Peter Griffin: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
Chris Griffin: BOOBIES!
Lois Griffin: Did you hear me, young man?
Meg Griffin: I don't know what the big deal was? I thought they were nice.
Chris Griffin: BOOBIES!!
Lois Griffin: Peter?
Peter Griffin: Do it.
[Everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neuralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
Lois Griffin: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
Chris Griffin: Elephants are bigger in person!

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye! [laughter]
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity, hmm? God you're so funny!

Stewie Griffin: I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Olivia: Pretty exciting.
Stewie Griffin: What? The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: What other thing?
Stewie Griffin: You know. The sex... with Simon, Why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well it's obvious you know. Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, Et cetera Et cetera.
Stewie Griffin: So the sex was good?
Olivia: Oh shut up, egotistical jerk!
Stewie Griffin: You shut up, you sap bellied strumpet!
Olivia: Blimp-headed jackass!
Stewie Griffin: Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

Peter Griffin: Oh my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!

Stewie Griffin: Splendid. This calls for a sexy party!

Stewie Griffin: I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch.

[while trying to play the french horn and breaks wind]
Stewie Griffin: Thank you, thank you, that was, ummm... "Me Farting"... by Chopin. Thank you, thank you, I uhh [runs out of the room]

[walking in on a nude Peter and Lois]
Quagmire: Hey Peter, can I borrow your lawnmower? - whoaaaAAAHHHH! You folks got a towel?

Dottie Campbell: The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer Peter?
Peter Griffin: Uh, whaddya got?
Dottie Campbell: I got Busch.
[Peter looks worriedly at Dottie's crotch]
Dottie Campbell: Oh, and Busch Light.

Stuck Together, Torn Apart [3.19]

Peter Griffin: I saw you and him the other day, breaking the Fifth Commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

[Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are using a radar to listen to what people are saying and they happen to pick up of what Quagmire is thinking to himself]
Quagmire: God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! La La La La La La La La!"

Peter Griffin: Let's go drink until we can't feel feelings anymore.

Police officer: Why are you holding hands with that baby?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, we met on the internet.
Brian Griffin: Shut up!
Stewie Griffin: Yes, he lured me down to the car with promises of candy and funny stories.

Stewie Griffin: Do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it, say it, say 'I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie'. HA! Don't forget the taint!

Stewie Griffin: Okay, what takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up.
Brian Griffin: Ba-zing.

[sniff]
Stewie Griffin: Ahhh yes, there you are. You people at the Industrial Adhesives Corporation certainly know how to make a tasty glue. Well then, let the banquet begin.

Peter Griffin: You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I LOVE TOO MUCH!
Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you talking about?
Peter Griffin: [dramatically] Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! This marriage is a living, breathing thing!
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're scaring me.
Peter Griffin: [shaking Lois] Good! Embrace the fear. [dances on tiptoes] Dance with me, Lois. Dance the dance of life! [moves backwards, tripping over a coffee table and crashing into a cabinet] Yeah, maybe you should call that counselor.

Midget Woman: HELP ME!!
Stewie Griffin: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else gets the hose again! HA!!

Peter Griffin: No! It's step, pivot, step, turn! Are you trying to piss off the volcano!?

[Phone rings]
Lois Griffin: Hello?
Quagmire : Hey, Lois. Is Peter there?
Lois Griffin: Hi, Quagmire. No, Peter's not home. We're having some minor marital problems. Our therapist has advised us to date other people.
[Quagmire instantly shows up at the Griffins' house]
Quagmire: Lois, you want to go out?
Lois Griffin: What? I don't know, Glenn. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time.
Quagmire: [breaks clock and moves its hands] How about now?
Lois Griffin: Well, we are supposed to see other people. I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert.
Quagmire: I'm in! Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-goo!

Jennifer Love Hewitt: I Know What You Did Last Summer?
Peter Griffin: Never heard of it.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: The Devil and Daniel Webster?
Peter Griffin: Nope.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Party of Five?
Peter Griffin: Was that a porno?

Quagmire: How about a couple of drinks?
Waiter: Certainly, sir. Martini for you and the usual roofie colada for your date?
Quagmire: No, uh... glass of wine.

Road to Europe [3.20]

Arabic Merchant [sees Stewie and Brian walking in the marketplace]: Hey Americans! You like movies? I've got 'Dude My Car Is Not Where I Parked It, But Praise Allah We Are Not Hurt'!

Peter: YO LOIS!
Lois: WHAT?
Peter: I'm packing for Kiss-stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
Lois:You mean the pair with the rip in the right butt check from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trotts?
Pete: No, no the pair with the whole in the left butt check from when I held it in for two hours cuz it was an extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and I thought that blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it go in the vestabule after mass and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois: Oh! Bottom drawer.

Munich Tour Guide: You will find more on Germany's contributions to the arts in the pamphlets we have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone was on vacation! On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch was served! Check with Poland!
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour Guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour Guide: I will hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. [Translation: You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.]
[Tour Guide throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

Brian Griffin: Want some McDonald's?
[Stewie shakes head "no"]
Brian Griffin: Wanna go get some ice cream?
[Stewie shakes head "no" again]
Brian Griffin: Wanna go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
[Stewie nods head "yes"]
Brian Griffin: Ok, lets go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

[At KISS concert]
Paul Stanley: [singing] I wanna Rock 'n' Roll all Night... [holds Mike in front of Lois]
Lois Griffin: [uncertain] and...have...a wonderful...time
Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons: [walk off muttering] Well, I've lost all faith in mankind...
Peter Criss: Hey! Now's our chance![Him and Ace Frehley start dancing and singing the Chatanooga-Choo-Choo]

[After KISS concert]
Lois Griffin: Well, I've never been much of a KISS fan. I guess I'm not as cool as you thought I was...
Peter Griffin: I guess not. I blame myself. I should've realised you weren't cool when you were willing to come dressed as Peter Criss. No-one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois, not even Peter Criss!

KISS Forum Host::You're on KISS Forum.
Caller: Yeah. KISS sucks!
KISS Forum Host: Whoa!
Peter Griffin: Trace the call!
Caller: Yeah, they suck big time, man. They bite ass!
KISS Forum Host: Wait a sec. I recognize that voice. Is this Dennis DeYoung, lead singer from Styx? Come clean, man.
Dennis De Young: Yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.
KISS Forum Host: Dennis, you jealous douche, how about I crank a little Detroit Rock City and play Come Sail Away and we can see how they stack up side by side? Huh? You want that, you high-voiced bastard?

Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 [3.21]

Peter Griffin: I laugh at death!
Death: Thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in!

Tom Tucker: Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think?
Tom Tucker: A new study confirms that, no, they cannot.

Peter Griffin: Make like Siamese twins and split...and then one of you die.

Diane Simmons: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're still finding Christmas presents!
Peter Griffin: If I'm here, and you're there, [points at world map] and Istanbul is in this general area, then what the hell is that?

Peter Griffin: You watch the ticker. I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Peter Griffin: Anyone who opposes our demands will be destroyed. Our first demand - you will erect a statue in the town square. The statue will depict Blair Warner admitting to Mrs. Garrett that the poem she submitted for her creative-writing class was actually plagiarized from a work by Emily Dickinson. We have spoken!

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein [3.22]

Lois Griffin: I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child.
Peter Griffin: [In flashback to Peter and Lois' wedding] What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made!

Peter Griffin: You'd better watch whom you're calling a child, Lois, 'cause if I'm a child, do you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Cleveland Brown: She's got a point, Peter. You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money.

Peter Griffin: Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? So I need a Jewish guy to handle my money?
Cleveland Brown: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
Peter Griffin: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones. But why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!

Peter Griffin: [on a note] "Dear Lois, Chris and I
went to the library to read lots of books
have gone clothes shopping with you
are invisible, but are right here anyway

have gone fishing."

Stewie Griffin: In the meantime, here's a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a toblerone?

[answering the door almost naked}
Quagmire: Well, helLo-Is! Forgive me for pointing.

Peter Griffin Meg, no one really needs glasses.
Meg Griffin You wear glasses!
Peter Griffin: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Lois Griffin Now I don't want to hear another word about this.
Peter Griffin: [in sign language] She won't have to hear another word because luckily we've mastered American sign language.
Chris Griffin: [in sign language] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Season 4A

North by North Quahog [4A.01]

Peter Griffin: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois Griffin: Oh no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Luis, and Greg the Bunny.
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

Lois Griffin: Honey, whadda ya say we, uh, christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter Griffin: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl!
Lois Griffin: [laughing] That's me!
Peter Griffin: You dirty hustler!
Lois Griffin: [laughs]
Peter Griffin: You filthy, stinky prostitute!
Lois Griffin: [laughs] Ok, I get it!
Peter Griffin: You foul venereal disease carrying, street walking whore!
Lois Griffin: All right, that's enough!

Stewie Griffin: Ah. It's good to have land.

Lois Griffin: I mean our honeymoon. Oh, so much rug burn!

Stewie Griffin: You know, Brian, if I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did.

Chris Griffin: What good is mining nose gold if I can't share it with the townspeople?!

Chris Griffin: That show only furthers the stereotype that George López is funny.

Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you, you're a dog. You don't have a soul.

Stewie Griffin: Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis. Now, as you can see in this panel, Garfield doesn't care for Nermal! But like him or not, Nermal is here to stay! Or is he? Let's read on.

Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa: Diane, I am standing outside of The Park Barrington Hotel because they don't allow Asians inside.

Peter Griffin: Excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for they key to my specially-reserved room.
Hotel manager: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter: Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.

Peter Griffin: Oh man, this is even more intense than the time I forgot how to sit down. [Flashback: Peter stares at a chair in his living room, and then launches himself at it, crashing and tipping it over.]

Tom Tucker: Can my wife Stacey get you anything?
Stacey: Go to hell Tom.
Tom Tucker: Already there hun.

Brian Griffin: Yes well um, Mr. Tucker, it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance, and uh, Chris got blamed for it. This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face.

Congressman 1: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq!
Peter Griffin: Well that may be, but what we're all forgetting is: anyone who doesn't want to go to war is gay.
Congressman 2: I want to go to war!
Congressman 3: I wanted to go to war!
Congressman 4: I wanted to go to war!
[Congress clamors with agreement]
Dick Cheney: I was the first one who wanted to go to war!!

Peter Griffin: Alright Gibson, I want my wife back, or a woman of equal physical attractiveness.

Peter Griffin: I know this is the wrong time to be starstruck, but...Mel Gibson is shooting at us!

Peter Griffin: ...Christians don't believe in gravity!

[on Mt. Rushmore]
George Washington: Hey, hey, Jefferson, check it out! Chick getting nailed on my head.
Thomas Jefferson: Sweet. Hey Teddy, pass the word down to Frankenstein.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, ha ha.

Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now we go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast.
Ollie Williams: HE GON' GIT IT!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie.

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High [4A.02]

Brian Griffin [in a Mark Twain costume]: Well, I gotta catch my time steamboat back to the 1800s. [as himself]: Hey, sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?
Chris Griffin: Yeah! Cap'n Crunch was here!

Chris Griffin: WATCH OUT FOR THE STAIRS! [Mrs. Lockheart falls down imaginary stairs]

Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa; Lois, this is not my Batman glass.

Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross? [he farts and his right eye turns red] Ahh, broke a damn blood vessel!

[while doing the robot]
Stewie Griffin: Does not compute!

Stewie Griffin: HEY! Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Mrs. Lockheart's Husband: OH MY GOD THERE'S A BEAR IN MY OATMEAL!!!
[gets attacked by bear]

Mrs. lockheart: Chris, What do you see here? (holding up Chris's homework in front of her chest area)
Chris:Uhh...Two "D"s and an "F" (Chris's paper is an "f")

Blind Ambition [4A.03]

Tom Tucker: Coming up, Diane's weight.

Bonnie Swanson: Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around.
Peter Griffin: Ok first of all, Bonnie you've been pregnant for like 6 years, all right. Either have the baby or don't.

[Peter invents a new type of flying machine, a clone of a plane with the ten wings]
Stewie Griffin: You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this that, uh... leads me to believe this probably won't work. [the plane crashes]

Tom Tucker: In sadder news, the man who held the Guinness World Record for "Most Drugs Ever Done by a Single Human Being" died today; he was attacked by a pack of wild dogs he thought he saw.

God: [talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam] Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe.
[makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]
Woman: Wow!
God: Yep, magic fingers.
[God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade, we're outta here!

Tom Tucker: And here comes the heroic blind man. Tell us, sir, how did you ever summon the courage to save the man from that burning building?
Peter Griffin: THAT FREAKIN' PLACE WAS ON FIRE?!
Tom Tucker: And there you have it. Coming up next: Watch me shave.

Don't Make Me Over [4A.04]

Peter Griffin: Oh please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
[Cut to hospital]
Peter Griffin: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.
Guy: Oh my god.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] No no no, I'm just kidding. She's dead.

Peter Griffin: [upon seeing Meg's makeover] Oh Meg honey, I always thought you were beautiful just the way you- [laughs]! Oh God, couldn't do that with a straight face! Welcome to the family sweetheart. Chris go burn all Meg's old pictures.

Mayor Adam West: Oh, God. I love this song. And I love it when amateurs sing the lyrics. But I hate baseball cards.

Stewie Griffin: [singing] I want to have intercourse with you, uh oh yeah, intercourse with you.
Brian Griffin: Relations.
Stewie Griffin: Intercourse with youuuu, right.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, no great that sounds good.
Stewie Griffin: All right all right groovy groovy. Now uh, is there a shorter word for intercourse?

Peter Griffin: [after learning the family is going to be on SNL ] You mean I'm going to get to meet John Belushi and Gilda Radner and Phil Hartman and Chris Farley and Horatio Sanz? Sweet!

Chris Griffin: Oh boy, Saturday Night Live! I can't think of anything more exciting... OH BOY A WATER FOUNTAIN!

Jimmy Fallon: [in bed with Meg, snickering]: There's something I've gotta tell you. Being with you makes me feel so a-live from New York, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[Lois and Peter watch in the green room]
Lois Griffin [stunned]: Oh, my God!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that wasn't a very good opening sketch, was it? A rare miss.
Lois Griffin: I don't think that was a sketch, Peter!
Meg Griffin [running into the green room, sobbing]: Mom! Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute! Are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?!

Peter: Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter!
Quagmire : One, Two, Three, Four!

(long pause)

Peter: Oh my God!, We don't know any songs!

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire [4A.05]

Lois Griffin: Oh, I've always loved charades. Your turn Joe.
Joe Swanson: The category is famous people. Ok, guess who I am.
Peter Griffin: Ironside!
Lois Griffin: Larry Flynt!
Meg Griffin: Stephen Hawking!
Chris Griffin: Dr. Strangelove!
Cleveland: Roy Campanella!
Bonnie Swanson: Richard Petty!
Lois Griffin: Lance Armstrong!
Peter Griffin: Neil Armstrong, Stretch Armstrong, Stretch Cunningham, Howard Cunningham, Potsie Weber!
[Joe falls overboard and begins to drown]
Peter Griffin: Oh, Natalie Wood. Definitely Natalie Wood.
Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin: Peter he's a parapalegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick, Joe, kick!
[The deckhands throw a rope and rescues Joe, but he is unconscious]
Bonnie Swanson: Somebody help him!
[Peter pokes him with his fishing pole, then kicks him]
[A deckhand gives him mouth to mouth]
Peter Griffin: Aww, gay!
Joe Swanson: [coughs] You were right, Peter, it was Natalie Wood.

Peter Griffin: Bam, bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Take it over from here bambam!
Bam Bam: Bambam, bam bam bam! Take it over from here Emeril!
Emeril: Bam!

[after giving CPR to a dummy]
Peter Griffin: It's hard, jagged, and tastes like alcohol. [to Lois] Just like kissing Faye Dunaway. [both laugh] Easy now.

[as President Clinton in the Oval Office]
Quagmire: My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogidy that girl. I gishmoigideed her giflavidee with my googus. And I am sorry.

Peter Griffin: Quick, to the Petercopter! [exits house and takes off in a helicopter with his face on it, which immediately crashes into Joe's yard] AHH! Oh God! Oh God! Oh my God!
Joe Swanson: Peter, what the hell?!
Peter Griffin: Joe, get inside! The blades are still spinning!
Joe Swanson: OH MY GOD, PETER, WHAT IS THAT THING?!
Peter Griffin: Joe, get inside! Oh!
Joe Swanson: IT'S TEARING UP MY YARD!

Mayor Adam West: Say no more. I'll protect you, sir. It is my job. I only ask that you do not feed my cat Bootsy, as he's already eaten and might throw up.

Mayor Adam West: It's all right to go to sleep, my friend. I'll stand guard. Don't worry, I'll be here all night. Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. [stifled laugh] Boner. [laughing] His name was... Boner. [giggling] [laughing] Bone... [guffawing] I've failed you.

Peter Griffin: To the Hindenpeter! [exits house and a large blimp with Peter's face on it flies by...BOOOOM!!!!]
Joe Swanson: OH MY GOD!
Peter Griffin: Joe, I am so sorry!
Joe Swanson: HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!??!

Emperor Palpatine: Good...Let the hate flow through you.
Lois Griffin: You aren't helping!

Loretta Brown: Ohh!
Brian Griffin: Hey, do you hear that?
Peter Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Sounds like someone screaming.
Peter Griffin: What, what is it boy?
Brian Griffin: It's sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter Griffin: Trouble at the old mill?
Brian Griffin: What are you, insane!?
Peter Griffin: Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian Griffin: It's summer.
Peter Griffin: Bobcat?
[Brian barks out something]
Peter Griffin: Loretta's in trouble? Come on boy!

Petarded [4A.06]

Peter Griffin: Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.

Peter Griffin: This plan is so perfect it's retarded.

Children's chorus: [counting the prostitutes] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
Peter Griffin: Seven. Seven prostitutes.
Clevleand: Peter you and five of those prostitutes get out!

Dan Rather: Good evening. I'm Dan Rather, and tonight on CBS News, seven Saudi soldiers sodomized several of Saddam's southern settlement squatters...
[steam blows out of him like a kettle, and a stagehand moves Dan to another seat in the studio]
Dan Rather: I'm Dan Rather.

Stewie: Hey Chris? What ever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not enough tooth to gum ratio. Chris? Ah I'll tell you tomorrow!

Peter Griffin: Hello, Sally? Hey, it's Peter Griffin...yeah, that's right, senior prom. Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. So, yeah, listen, I just found out I'm retarded...so, I'm just calling to let you know...you might want to get yourself tested. Hello?

Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... EEEYEAH!! IN YOUR FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD!!!! ... I'm ... I'm sorry about that.

Brian the Bachelor [4A.07]

Stewie Griffin: ...How you, uh, how you coming on that novel...you working on, uh, got a big, big stack of papers there, gotta, gotta, gotta nice little, nice little story you're working on there...your big novel that you’ve been working on for three years. Huh? Got a compelling protagonist...got an obstacle for him to overcome...little story brewing there...working on...working on that for quite some time, huh...yeah, talking about that three years ago...been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative, beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? Yeah? At the end your main character is richer for the experience? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? You got a...no, you deserve some time off.

[Evil Monkey points at Chris]
Chris Griffin: I AM IN NO MOOD!

Chris Griffin: No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt!

Mrs. Quagmire: Glenn, did you feed Mittens?
Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl!
Mrs. Quagmire: That's old food!
[Mittens meows]
Quagmire: Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!
Mrs. Quagmire: Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
Quagmire: Mom, if you want this three-way to happen, you'd better change your tone!

Doug the pimple: Where the hell are we?
Chris Griffin: I told you. This is the bacon factory.
Doctor: Okay, next.
Chris Griffin: Quick! Destroy this zit!

Stewie Griffin: Oh, I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side - you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. [the pitch of his voice becomes increasingly higher] You know, the novel you've been working on? You know, the one you've been working on for three years? You know, the novel? Got something new to write about now, y'know. Maybe your main character gets into a relationship, then suffers a little heartbreak; something like what you've just been through? Draw from real-life experience? L-little heartbreak, y'know, work it into the story? Make those characters a little more three-dimensional? Make it a richer experience for the reader? Make those second hundred pages keep the reader guessing what's going to happen? Some twists and turns? Little epilogue? Everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one? [the pitch of his voice returns to normal] Ah, I look forward to reading it.

8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter [4A.08]

Meg Griffin [walking onto the set of Everybody Loves Raymond]: Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island: LEAVE ME ALONE! I hate you! I hate you!

Stewie Griffin: I hope we can watch a DVD together. I picked up the first season of Jiminy Glick. Oh... Imagine being that guy for a day.
[Stewie sits on a couch a la Glick]
Stewie Glick: Colin Farrell, so I was talking to my wife Dixie the other day and she was saying you weren't a very good actorrrrrrrrr, and I agreed with heeeerr... now why, Colin, why would we both say that?

Stewie Griffin: Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sack tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!

Stewie Griffin: [hitting Jeremy with a pipe] I say, I think this is how you change a tire, but what do I know, I'm just a BABY! [the scene cuts to a car, where Stewie has Jeremy, tied up and gagged, thrown into the trunk.] Here's your iPod, so you can listen to the Streaks while you gasp for air!
Jeremy: [muffled, says something]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, the Strokes, right.

Lois Griffin: Who wants chowder?

Meg Griffin: [to Peter] You can't sell me you fat son of a bitch!!!

Stewie Griffin: [to meg] Yep.Sigh .I suppose nither of us is really cut out for love and we shoul.. [to self] OH MY GOD JEREMYS STILL IN THE TRUNCK. Oh god how longs it been? Uhh l-lets see t-two weeks. Yup. Yup hes dead. Definetly dead

Breaking Out Is Hard to Do [4A.09]

Peter Griffin: Quagmire what are you doing here?
Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH Giggity giggity giggity giggity Goooo!
TV announcer: Who else but Quagmire!?

Peter Griffin: [to random people in Asiantown] Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan!

Mayor Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Mayor Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again! [hangs up] I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.

Quagmire: [Singing] Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy! Let's have sex!

Jackie Chan: [to Chris] Oh my God, it's Ethan Hawke. [to Peter] Oh my God, it's Ethan Hawke. [to Meg] Oh my God, it's Malcolm in Middle.
Meg: I'm not a boy.
Jackie Chan: Yes, you are.

Lois [in prison, to Peter]: I guess I was stealing, because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life. Like there was a secret hole inside me.
Quagmire [popping up in the background]: Oh, God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire [dancing and clapping]: Oh, God!!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Quagmire [spazzing out]: Oh, God!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just going to have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Brian: [wearing Lois' clothes] Oo, I have so much stuff to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner; I am SO busy, better hurry!
Stewie Griffin: [comes in suddenly] Lois! I want my graham cracke-...Oh.
Brian: Hey.
Stewie Griffin: Hey... You playin' a little dress-up?
Brian: Yeah...
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, good... It's fun to pretend. Um, so listen, if you see Lois, tell her-
Brian: Graham cracker.
Stewie Griffin: Graham cracker, yes, yes, that's...that's it. Um, alright, so uh, I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.

Peter: Well, then we're fugitives. But at least the family's back together.
Meg: I wonder where we're going.
[Peter slaps Meg]
Peter: Calm down!

From the Asian Trix Commercial

Kid:: Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!
Asian Trix Rabbit: You share!!! (Beats them all up, then takes the cereal, and runs off)

Model Misbehavior [4A.10]

[In Lois's old room at her parents' house]
Meg Griffin: Wow! This looks just like my room at home.
Lois Griffin: Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends.
Stewie Griffin: Hm, that's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen.
[Cut to Stewie presenting a Grammy award]
Stewie Griffin: And the Grammy for Album of the Year goes to...Justin Timberlake.
[Justin Timberlake walks up, waving to the cheering audience. Stewie hits him with the Grammy, knocking him out]
Stewie Griffin: Ha! It actually goes to Nelly. ...Nelly.

[At a rehab center. Cookie Monster is on the bed reading, and two guards and a doctor come in]
Doctor: Contraband Check. [they search his bed all over and pull out a plate of cookies] What are these?
Cookie Monster: I don't know.
Doctor: What do you mean you don't know?
Cookie Monster: I-I-I-I don't know how they got there.
Doctor: Well, I think you do know!
Cookie Monster: No, no, no, uh, uh, Der- uh, Derrick was in here earlier and he was, uh, making the beds. He probably put them, uh, I was in the John. [he then eats the cookies from the plate, and the guards hold him on the bed. Cookie Monster begins kicking and screaming] Aah! aah! aah! You guys are Nazis, man! You freakin' Nazis! Aaahhh! [the doctor gives him an injection, and Cookie Monster falls asleep]
Guard: Shh,shh, shh!

Peter Griffin: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?
Peter Griffin: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your...on...on... on your poopdeck.
Carter Pewterschmidt: [punches Peter into the face knocking him off his chair].

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model!
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic Lois, and I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me too!
Meg Griffin: Me too!
Peter Griffin: Oh, oh God, Meg that's sick! That's your mother!
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out! Get out of this house! [punches a hole in the wall] I said NOW!

[Lois is cooking, wearing a revealing tank top and low-rise jeans]
Peter Griffin: Wow, Lois, look at you! You're like Britney Spears! ...except you're not a fat guy.
[doorbell rings]
Lois Griffin: I'll get it!
Meg Griffin: Dad. How could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this? I mean, she's half naked! It makes all women look bad.
Peter Griffin: Meg...who let you back in the house?

Peter Griffin: Lois, I think Meg was right. Lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise.

TV announcer: We now return to 'Mmm-mmmh'.
[Three large black women are shown around a kitchen table]
1st woman: Mmm-hmmm. [sounds like a statement]
2nd woman: Mmm-mmmh. [disagreement]
3rd woman: Mmm...hmmm. [last word]
[Laugh track kicks in]

Lois Griffin [entering the house]: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning, and let's just say you're cleared for landing, huh?!
Quagmire [from off-screen]: Giggidy!

Peter Griffin: Hey everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe: Peter! Shut up! It's three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying I'm proud of her. She's a woman. Yay!
Quagmire: Yes Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I am exhausted.

Season 4B

Peter's Got Woods [4B.01]

Meg Griffin: I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!

Ronald Reagan: Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! [talking to the brick wall of a McDonald's ] Tear it down! Reagan smash! [Reagan starts punching the wall]
One Employee: What is that?
Another Employee: Oh, that's just Reagan. Don't worry about it, he tires himself out.
Ronald Reagan: Reagan sleepy. [Reagan gets on the ground to fall asleep]

Mayor Adam West: Oh, I brought my creamed corn from home. I don't like the creamed corn that they have at the movie theater's, it's too crunchy.

The Perfect Castaway [4B.02]

Mayor Adam West: We gather here to remember these brave Quahog men. The Bible declares an eye for an eye. [gets a knife] So let us take our vengeance on this murderous ocean! [runs to ocean and stabs shore several times] There, you won't be hurting anyone anymore!

Mayor Adam West: So it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well game on Quahog! [like Stewie] AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAH! AAAH AH! I'm beating you!

Tom Tucker: In local news we have more on the approach of Hurricane RuPaul, which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the Black-u-Weather report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: [on the coast] 'ISS RAININ' SIDEWAYS!
Tom Tucker: Sounds rough, Ollie. Ya got an umbrella?
Ollie Williams: HAD ONE!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: INSIDE-OUT, TWO MILES AWAY!
Tom Tucker: Anything we can do for you?
Ollie Williams: BRING ME SOME SOUP!
Tom Tucker: Which kind?
Ollie Williams: CHUNKY!
Tom Tucker: Alright, we'll get right on it. Coming up next, a pig that refuses to eat Jews?

Peter Griffin: Hey, I've got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You've got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
[Peter, Joe, and Quagmire drink]
Joe Swanson: I'll go next. Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
[Cleveland and Quagmire drink]
Peter Griffin: Uh, all right, let's see, uh... I never did a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom.
[Quagmire drinks]
[later, Quagmire has had many drinks and is nearly passed out]
Peter Griffin: God, let's see, what else is there? Uh, I never gave a reacharound to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, God! [drinks]
Joe Swanson: I, uh... I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touched myself.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, come on! [drinks again]
Peter Griffin: Uh, I never did the same thing, but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, God, this is ridiculous! [drinks, and then passes out]
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy, he's out cold. Hey, let's write on him!
[Peter, Cleveland, and Joe laugh]

[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland & Joe are standing on Peters boat drinking Beers]
Death: Hey, can I have one of those?
Peter: Hey Death, What'r you doing here?
Death: Me? Oh, I'm here because of that.
[Death points over Peters shoulder to an approaching tidal wave]

[Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are on a deserted island playing What would you rather be?]
Peter Griffin: Ok, which would you rather be, Black or Crippled??

Brian Griffin: I'm going to the basement now.
Family: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: WHAT DO YOU THINK? [he runs off]
[family erupts in laughter]
Stewie Griffin: Oh...someone's gonna have to explain that to me.

Cleveland Brown:They are God's little punchlines (talking about midgets).

Jungle Love [4B.03]

Mayor Adam West: Ho, I got you, you freshman! I'm going to teach you the lesson that it is not okay to be a freshman!

Stewie: Do the Women There have exposed Clitorati?

Lois: Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn.]
Meg: Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
Peter (intoxicated): Uh yeah hey buddy. I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh... do you sell pants?

Peter: Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor King Arthur Griffin!
[Flashback to medieval times]
Damsel: Oh Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone - and prove to me you truly are the sole King of Camelot - I will make love to you right here in the clearing.
King Arthur Griffin: What if I can just move it an inch, will you touch me?

Stewie (to camera): The native man is an impressive physical specimen. Look closely at his sinewy muscular form and unusual vitality. It is a thrill to watch him dig a ditch or lift a jug of water or participate in a hunt.
Brian (filming): Cut, print, gay.

PTV [4B.04]

[Lois shmushing Peter's face into a red carpet off-screen]:
Lois: You like eating that red carpet don't ya!
[Quagmire on street hearing Lois passes out]:
Quagmire: Giggity.

Peter: You're on T.V., Mister Tucker, can't you do something about this?
Tom Tucker: Well Peter, I'm flattered you came to me for help. We'll have more after this.
[Tom walks off-screen, and walks back on-screen]
Tom: Good evening, we're back.

Peter: They will clean up all your talking in a matter such as this
Brian: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss
Stewie: And they’ll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss
Peter, Brian, & Stewie: It’s the plain situation!
There's no negotiation!
Peter: With the fellows at the freakin FCC!
Brian: They’re as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups…
Peter: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
Stewie: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops!
Peter, Brian, & Stewie: Take a tip, take a lesson!
You’ll never win by messin’
Peter: With the fellas at the freakin’ FCC
And if you find yourself with some you sexy thing
You’re gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling
Cause you can’t say penis!
Peter:So they sent this little warning they’re prepared to do the worst
Brian: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be co-erced
Stewie: I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first!
Peter, Brian, & Stewie: They may just be neurotic
Or possibly psychotic
They’re the fellas at the freakin FCC!
FCC Suit: Mr. Griffin, that was terrific. But, I'm here to tell you that, as of today, PTV is officially shut down.
Peter: Shut me down, huh? Well, you'll have to catch me first! [he straps on a rocket pack, and begins to blast off. However, he blasts into the wall repeatedly, until the rocket stops] Alright, you caught me. [a picture of Meg falls down on him.]
[the FCC is confiscating the material for the PTV station]
FCC Suit: We're tired of you infecting people with your smut. This is an epidemic, and it must be contained.
Peter: Well, Mr. FCC, you can stop PTV but you can never stop people from being who they are! [walks in, and slams door]
FCC Suit: Or Can we?
[in the bathroom the next morning, Peter is in the shower. He steps out, and screams. The FCC is covering his "privates" with a black bar]
Peter: What are you doing?
FCC Suit 1: Censoring real life.
FCC Suit 2: His chin looks like balls, you want me to cover that too?

Wile E. Coyote: Umm, I'd like to return the slingshot I bought here. It just slammed me into a mountain.
Peter Griffin: Sorry, no returns.
Wile E. Coyote: But, I've been a customer here for years.
Peter Griffin: I could give you a store credit.
Wile E. Coyote: Hmm...
Mrs. Coyote: What's the hold up?
Wile E. Coyote: Shut up, I'm taking care of it.

Quagmire: Tonight on midnight Q, we're going to enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer will be reading an excerpt from his latest book, and we've got a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana--we'll find out where. Giggity Giggity, Giggity Goo.

[The title card for The Dick Van Dyke Show appears, but the words "Dick" and "Dyke" are blacked out during the FCC's period of censorship in Quahog]
Announcer: It's The [bleep] Van [bleep] Show, starring [bleep] Van [bleep].

[A title card for Cheeky Bastard appears, with Brian and Stewie]
Stewie: [voiceover] "Cheeky Bastard" is filmed in front of a live studio audience. [Cut to a scene in the living room, where Stewie is sitting on the couch. Brian rushes in, wearing an apron and oven mitts]
Brian: Oh my god! Where's my roast pheasant?
Stewie: Hmm. By now, I think it's in my lower intestine. [canned laughter comprised of Stewie laughing]
Brian: You ate it? But I told you my boss was coming here for dinner!
Stewie: Well unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. [the same canned laughter is heard again]
Brian: You cheeky bastard! [canned laughter comprised of Stewie laughing and clapping]

Jackie Gleason: [as Ralph Kramden from the Honeymooners] One of these days Alice, one of these days...[voiceover] I'm going to stimulate the economy by buying an American car.

Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of (BEEP)! WHAT?! Now I can't say (BEEP) in my own (BEEP)ing house?! Great, Lois. Just (BEEP)in' great. You know, you're lucky you're good at (BEEP) my (BEEP) or I'd never put up with ya. You know what I'm talking about, when you (BEEP) lubed-up (BEEP) toothpaste in my (BEEP) while you (BEEP) on a cherry (BEEP)Episcopalian (BEEP) extension cord (BEEP) wetness (BEEP) with a parking ticket. That is the best!

Brian Goes Back To College [4B.05]

Brian: (in the bathroom at The New Yorker) Um, where are all the toilets?
Editor: Oh, nobody at The New Yorker has an anus.

Stewie Griffin: Seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper and more time (voice suddenly becomes high) working on that novel you've been working on. (really high) Do you know what I me.... (Brian hits Stewie with a book)

Announcer: And now back to The Facts of Life.
Jo: Hey, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?
Mrs. Garrett: What is it, Jo?
Jo: Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other?
Mrs. Garrett: Whaaaaat?
Jo: Well, I try to keep them separated, but I woke up this morning and they were sort of...together. I just didn't know...is that okay?
Mrs. Garrett: You have both?
Jo: Well, yeah. Doesn't everybody?
Mrs. Garrett: Nooooooooo!

Stewie Griffin: Brian already has a roommate: me! We're a couple of crazy college kooks. For example, we're about to make a hilarious answering machine message. [Starts making message] Uh, you've reached Stewie and Brian. We're not here right now. If this is mom, send money, 'cause we need money for books...and highlighters...and Ramen Noodles...and condoms for having sexual relations with our classmates.

Stewie Griffin: You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here, I totally reek man, check this out... tell me that's not epic.

The Courtship of Stewie's Father [4B.06]

Peter Griffin: Awww...things were going so good for me and Stewie, but now he hates me again. Brian, what should I do to win him back?
Brian Griffin: That depends. Do you really want my advice or are you just asking random questions again?
Peter Griffin: What's a hypotenuse?

The Fat Guy Strangler [4B.07]

Peter Griffin:"hey pie! I know what you want, I saw you in that movie, whore, slut, bitch, you don't deserve to have sex with me, instead I am going to eat the whore outta you."

Lois Griffin: How are we going to find them?
Brian Griffin: Don't worry, Lois, I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina.
[cutaway to a treehouse at Bush's ranch]
Brian: Uhh, Mr. President, are you up there?
President Bush: Go away.
Brian: Sir, there is a disaster in New Orleans.
President Bush: I'm reading Superfudge.
Brian: You gotta come down and do something.
President Bush: Don't make me do stuff.

Stewie Griffin: I walked up into my room and I saw a half dead fat guy eating another dead fat guy.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz [4B.08]

[The opening prayer at The Church of the Fonz]
Peter Griffin: Please stand [everyone stands] now sit on it. May the Fonz be with you.
Church goers: And with you too.
Peter Griffin: Let us ayyyyyy.

[Quagmire comes into the back of the Church of the Fonz where Peter is]
Quagmire: Hey Peter, I just had sex with a teenage girl and her mom last night.
Peter Griffin: That's great, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have a Sacrament of Confession. Why are you telling me?
Quagmire: I'm telling everybody! Giggity, giggity, ga!

Brian Griffin: Believe as I do or I will hurt you, that's very Christian.
Francis Griffin: That's it, you're getting it.
[Hits Brian in the head with a Bible]

[Cutaway to the music video for Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract", but with Peter appearing in place of MC Skat Kat and with makeup and cat ears on]
Paula Abdul: I take two steps forward / I take two steps back...
Peter Griffin: We come together 'cause I'm dressed like a cat.
Paula Abdul: And you know, it ain't fiction / Just a natural fact...
Peter Griffin: We come together 'cause I'm dressed like a cat.

[scene from "Jaws: Fire Island"]

Mark: You think we should be this far out?
Gay Guy: Stop worrying Mark, we'll be fine!
Jaws (sounding like the performance artist): Hey, I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg! I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up them shorts! I got a whole bunch of rosy teeth to chew you with! Duh-nuh-duh-nuh-duh-nuh! Oh, now wait a minute I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay though, I've been swimming a lot lately. (chomp) Mmm, yummy. Mmm.

Stewie:I haven't been nthis dizzy since I did those helium whippets at that b-day party! (inhales helium from ballon)(high-pitched voice)I'm a female. I have a high voice. I have reproductive organs iside of me, and I buy groceries.

Brian Sings and Swings [4B.09]

[Waiting in the hospital]
Lois Griffin: Oh, I just can't stand the thought of losing Brian!
Stewie Griffin: [sigh] If he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
[Flashback to tv show commercial]
TV Announcer: One's a baby, and the other's... black. I think. At least... part black. Or, Hispanic. I think, you know, possibly, there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean, if he, if he's black it's definitely diluted. I mean, one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba, for that matter? If I were 40 years younger, I would plow that 'til next July!

[Alarm clock goes off, Peter wakes up]
Brian Griffin: Hey, how'd you sleep Peter?
Peter Griffin: Oh Brian, last night I had this crazy dream that I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone. Oh wait, here it is...What the hell was I eating?
[Camera focuses on a half-eaten sheep, crawling on the carpet, blood trailing after it]
Sheep: Meeeh, meeeeh, meeeh, meeeh
Peter Griffin: Oh, sooorrrryyy.

Patriot Games [4B.10]

Peter Griffin [sitting naked at a computer at an internet café]: You're my Chinese Lois.

Peter Griffin [on a television commercial]: Hi. I'm Peter Griffin of the New England Patriots. I'm here to kick off the Touchdown of Savings Weekend at Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru. We will blitz the competition and in no time, you'll be driving your new Hyundai or Subaru right to a touchdown! [sings:] At Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru, we have Hyundais and Subarus.

Peter Griffin: All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do, by taking steroids.

I Take Thee Quagmire [4B.11]

[scene from Wheel of Fortune]
Pat Sajak: The category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Peter Griffin: Uh, OK, um... Z, 4, Q, another Q... uh, a third Q, and a Batman symbol.

[scene from Jeopardy!]
Alex Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [Adam West reveals his answer]: "Kebert Xela." [screams, then disappears]
Adam West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Peter: [to Ashton Kutcher] Ashton come here.
[Peter hurls a tomahawk at Ashton's head.]
Peter: You've just been tomahawk'd! That's my show... Tomahawk'd.

[at a strip club]
Peter Griffin: I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, and Joe's dead from the waist down.
Joe Swanson: OH! WHY DO YOU BRING ME HERE?!

Stewie Griffin: By the way, you call those cheap implants "boobs?" Those aren't boobs, they're lies!

Sibling Rivalry [4B.12]

Peter: I know when you're lying, just like how Santa knows when you're sleeping.
Santa: Be cool.

Deep Throats [4B.13]

Brian Griffin: I spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a "Hollaback Girl" is -- all I know is I want her dead.

Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching Mr. Belvedere without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could --
Stewie Griffin: [singing] STREAKS ON THE CHINA, NEVER MATTERED BEFORE, WHO CARED? WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!

Mayor Adam West: Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, God, I feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
[cutaway to Oprah]
Stewie Cruise: I'M IN LOVE WITH KATIE HOLMES! I'M IN LOVE WITH KATIE HOLMES! I'M NOT GAY! GO SEE MY NEW MOVIE! I'M IN LOVE WITH KATIE HOLMES! I'M NOT GAY!

Peterotica [4B.14]

Kool-Aid Man [after a car crashes into his house]: Wow! You know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.

Carter Pewterschmidt: I really don't see what's so great about being a regular person. The bus smells like crap, the movie theater is sticky, and Renée Zellweger should only be the cute friend at best.

You May Now Kiss The...Uh...Guy Who Receives [4B.15]

Mort Goldman: I don't like it [the Dig 'Em statue]. And I don't like the contraction "apostrophe-EM." As far as I'm concerned, his name is "Dig Them." You're not welcome here, Dig Them!

[after Chris torches Brian's petition]
Brian Griffin: My petition! What the hell are you doing?
Chris Griffin: I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this!

[Stewie is looking through the Pewterschmidts' candy jar]
Stewie Griffin: Are these keys to a Volkswagen Scirocco? Who-who-whose keys are these? They-they don't even make these anymore.

Petergeist [4B.16]

Peter: Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellas?
Statler (sitting with Waldorf in their opera box): Well, at least the show's got the right name.
Waldorf: Yeah. I couldn't follow any of it!
(they begin laughing)
Peter: (laughs) They don't care for most things.

Mayor Adam West: I just bought a Rottweiler, and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is.
Home Supply clerk [pointing to "BEWARE OF DOG" sign]: Well, we have exactly what you--
Mayor Adam West: Ah, yes, here it is: "ONE WAY." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out -- in a body bag from dog injuries.

Stewie (talking to the TV people): What? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you missed it? Yeah, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't so great. (they burst out of the screen)
Peter: Holy crap!
Brian: What the hell was that?
Lois: Stewie, what are you doing?!
Stewie: They're here.
Brian: Who's here?
Stewie: The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. He's still playing Joey, but...yeah, it's not doing too well.

Peter: (In bed with Lois) I can't wait to see the expression on Joe's legs when I open my multiplex.
Lois: I have to say, I'm a little concerned about the zoning, but... Peter, are you peeing in that skull?
Peter: (sarcastic) No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ass.

Lois: I love you, Peter.
Peter: And I've grown fond of you, Lois.

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons.
Tom Tucker: Could we talk about something besides yourself, Diane.

Tricia Takanawa: Tom, tonight the stars are out for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?
Adam West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup... no, I take that one back. I'm going to hold on to that one.

Lois Griffin [drunkenly]: When I heard... when I heard... that we were going to be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck, yeah!"

Peter Griffin: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn; they think it's immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where exactly in the Bible does it say a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible is way too long to read!

Diane Simmons: In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.

Stewie Griffin: Hell? Now that's a bit much, don't you think? I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother, but who hasn't?

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Huh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with... with your little outfits. Y'know? You're u... you're up there jumping around, and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So... y'know, what am I supposed to do? What do-- what do you want? Y'know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to-- why you're leaping around there, throwing those things all up in, over there on my face? Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want! Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothing. You want nothing! All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and... and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is... is just bogus.
Lois Griffin [watching at home]: Oh, he is so right on. Women are such teases! That's why I went back to men.
Meg Griffin [nervously]: OK, Mom, thanks for that. Uh... see you later.
Chris Griffin: Go on...
Peter Griffin: Another thing that really grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.
Storm Trooper: [sitting in living room watching TV] Yeah, me too. What gives with that?

Brian Griffin [to a drunken Stewie]: Oh, it's time for your nap. Don't worry Lois, I'll take him. Let's go.
[Brian drags Stewie into the living room]
Stewie Griffin [drunkenly]: God, uh... what the hell? Why are we in here? It's rude to the... other people.
Brian Griffin: You're drunk.
Stewie Griffin: You're sexy!

Diane Simmons: Now let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the Week.
Ollie Williams: WHO WANTS THIS DOG?!
Diane Simmons: Thanks, Ollie. And now let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My--" [Tom Tucker walks into the studio] Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Tom Tucker: Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story...and I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
Ollie Williams: DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS?
Tom Tucker: Yes, I did, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: ENABLE COOKIES?
Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: DO YOU WANT THIS DOG?
Tom Tucker: No, thank you, Ollie.

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? YOU, America! FUCK YOU!

Stewie Griffin [upon seeing Lois in the future]: She's still alive? What the Hell man?!

Stewie Griffin: Let me tell you something, Nessa. A bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow!

Lois Griffin: Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls! So I'll ask you again. What are the names of the women on Sex and the City?
Chris Griffin: Uh, Carrie, Miranda... uh, Samantha... and... uh... Scrappy-Doo?
Lois Griffin: Hit him, Endo!
Chris Griffin: Ow! Ow! Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? Ah! Aah-ah!

Lois Griffin: [sitting on bed with Chris] All right Chris, now that we've practiced cuddling, let's practice eating out [zooms out to reveal fancy table set up nearby] at a fancy restaurant!

Brian Griffin: Are you alright?
Stewie Griffin: NEVER BETTER! I GOT SOME PEP PILLS FROM A TRUCKER AT THE LAST STOP! KEEPS ME AWAKE!
Brian Griffin: You took pills?
Stewie Griffin: WEST COAST TURNAROUNDS! TRUCKER SAID TO ONLY TAKE ONE BUT I TOOK ALL OF THEM!
Brian Griffin: Maybe you should slow down.
Stewie Griffin: WHY?! WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME!
Brian Griffin: We're not even on the road.
Stewie Griffin: HUH?!
Brian Griffin: I said we're not even on the road!
Stewie Griffin: DON'T NEED TO BE! COMPASS SAYS "WEST"! THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED!
Brian Griffin: Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert.
Stewie Griffin: I KNOW! CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NADS ON THOSE GUYS WHO DID THIS IN A WAGON! PIONEERS, BRIAN! WE SHARE THEIR SPIRIT! MANIFEST DESTINY!
Brian Griffin: Okay that's it! Give, me the wheel!
Stewie Griffin: GO TO HELL!!!

Stewie Griffin: I know that, stupid. What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it [water] you moron, it doesn't have to bite you.

Stewie Griffin: All right, that's it! I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job, but now you're telling me I'm a 35-year-old Parade magazine reading virgin?! Well, you, sir, are pathetic! So forget about sending me back, because I am not leaving until we do a complete overhaul on this sad thing you call "a life"!
Stu Griffin: Can I still read Parade?
Stewie Griffin: NO, YOU CANNOT STILL READ PARADE!

Stewie Griffin: [to his older self] You listen to me, Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and... [reading from The Joy of Sex ] "insert your phallus into her vag-in-a." Go!

Stu Griffin [nervously]: I'm sorry, that's never happened to me before.
Fran [sarcastically]: Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the forty minutes of crying?
Stu Griffin: Uh, I guess both.

Stu Griffin: We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy.
Stewie Griffin: [grabbing Stu by the eyelids] Never call them that again! It's Lois and the fat man! Do you hear me?
Stu Griffin: Yes, yes!

Al Harrington: Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Man, Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Man, Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Man! Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Man Emporium and Warehouse, and thanks to a shipping error, I am now overstocked with Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Men and I am passing the savings on to you! Attract customers to your business, make a splash and your next presentation, keep grandma company, confuse your neighbors, African American hail a cab, testify in church or just raise the roof, whatever your Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Man needs are. So come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube-Man Emporium and Warehouse, Route 2 and Wikipoug!

Joe Swanson:[who has Bonnie's legs attached to his waist] Who wears short shorts? I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!

Unknown episode

Peter Griffin

  • "Hey, Brian, do you know what this means? This beer will keep its fizz even after you die and we get another dog to help the kids... you know... forget all about you." -Wasted Talent (vol.1 ep.27)
  • "I'm priceless." -Emission Impossible (vol.2 ep.11)
  • "Shipoopi" - Patriot Games (vol. 4 ep?)

Stewie Griffin

  • (Animation Domination promo) "I WILL TAKE OVER THIS ENTIRE NETWORK!"
  • "It's me and a bunch of drooling Neanderthal dullards. What more do you need to know?"
  • "Tuesday: Kill Lois. Wednesday: Try on all her shoes."
  • "Authentic Stewie Griffin stool: $9.95! Get it while it's hot!"
  • "If you're hoping to see a video of Meg in a compromising position, believe me, so is she."
  • "Dear Diary: The dog wiped his privates on my blankie today. Smelled like SeaWorld."
  • "Hey, give it a shot! I heard this is how Ernest Borgnine met his fourth wife!"
  • "I say, if you're looking for photos of the dog humping Lois, you're at the wrong website." (Family Guy website)
  • "You know Meg, if you killed yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, um, you know, that's something to think ab-(burps). Oops, just burped."
  • No means no! I want to live, LIVE! - Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin - the Untold Story

Brian Griffin

  • "It's either bad meat or good cheese." [To Live and Die in Dixie]
  • "I dont know what you're complaining about Peter, mine goes inside of me when I stand up." [And the Wiener is...]
  • "I'm just a little testy...STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!" [Mr Griffin Goes to Washington]

Lois Griffin

  • (sadly) "I just can't believe he's gone!" [Brian Goes to Hollywood]
  • What does that say? (reads a caption saying "more of a bitch than she lets on to be") Oh, go (beep) yourself, Diane! [15 Minutes of Shame]

Cleveland Brown

  • "Cleveland, Jr. took it alright. Straight to the grave. The heartbreak was just too much for him."

Glenn Quagmire

  • "Ride the Q-Train!"
  • "Face it Peter, you're an easy mark. You couldn't be more of a sucker if you were wrapped in plastic with a stick coming out of your ass."
  • "Hey, Pedro, we're heading down to The Drunken Clam for a couple of beers, and I'm gonna shake the lady tree and see what comes out."
  • "Hey ladies, I don't want to come between you... or do I?"
  • "You must be a parking ticket, 'cause you've got fine written all over you!"

Tom Tucker

  • "I'll just turn down the thermostat, see Diane's erect nipples at 11."

Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa

  • after seeing David Bowie "OHHH, I LOVE TO MEET ZIGGY STARDUST! I TAKE YOU HOME, I MAKE YOU FISH BOWEL SOUP! FISH BOWEL! [Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]

Mayor Adam West

  • (to right hand at star show) "You're a flithy whore."
  • (to left hand at altar, getting married to right hand) "Shut up you had your chance!"

Various Guests

Dialogue

  • Quagmire: Hey Meg, 18 yet?
    Meg: No.
    Quagmire: Hey Chris, How are ya?
    Chris: Well I'm glad I...
    Quagmire: Alright!
  • (Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party.) Lois:Ooh, who's that good-looking man?
    Peter: (punches mirror) You son of a bitch!
  • Peter: This is worse than the time we found out Meg's gynecologist never went to med school.
    Doctor: Alright Meg, lets take a look at that purgina...
  • Peter: Thank you Jesus
    Jesus: That wasn't me it was. .
    Krishna: It is okay. I am used to it.
  • Stewie: "What you reading there? Ah, Dostoyevsky. The Mad Russian. Good stuff, Goood Stuff."
    Brian: "You're not getting the twenty-six dollars and you're despicable for trying"
    Stewie: "Oh... You thought I was...I wasn't trying to get the twenty-six dollars...I just thought we were having a perfectly innocent conversation about literature...oh you're silly, you're silly... I like it that you'd even go there. You're silly. Good-bye.
  • Meg: "Wow, Brian! Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret!"
    Brian: "Here's a hint: put down the fork! FACE!!!" [The Thin White Line]

See also

Stewie: Oh DAMN!! Jeremy is still in the trunk! How long has it been, two weeks? Yeah, he's dead. Dead.

External links


de:Family Guy




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