Green Wing (series 1)

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For series 2 quotes, see Green Wing (series 2).

Green Wing (2004 –) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The first series was transmitted between 3 September and 29 October 2004.


Contents


[edit]

Series 1

[edit]

Caroline's First Day [1.1]

Boyce: You can't make me laugh by poking me.
Alan: Do you want me to report you for that earring?
Mac: Only if I can report you for that moustache.
Alan: Most women find male body piercing repugnant. I, thankfully, am completely intact.
Mac: Well, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
Martin: The patients don't like me.
Sue: Really? ... Anything else?
Martin: You know, I've never even touched anyone that attractive.
Guy: Well, you can touch my arm if you want.
Martin: Oh but it's not the same, is it?
Guy: Two things women want - money and protection.
Martin: Ah, well, I've got a helmet and a credit card.
Guy: Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich.
(Copying Guy from above)
Martin: Yeah, hi Mum, I'm in Zurich.
Caroline: Mind you, I did have rather a disturbing lesbian dream.
Guy: Bingo!
Mac: Would you like to talk about that? At all?
[as Caroline's phone starts ringing in the operating theatre]
Guy: Your shoes are ringing.
Mac: [quietly] Might be a lesbian.
Guy: Or the mothership.
Martin: Captain that, you flidoid!
Guy: Guy Secretan - it's Swiss.
Caroline: Ah, cuckoo clocks, no beaches, theft of Jewish gold after the fall of Nazi Germany. Sorry, I expect everyone says that.
Guy: No...
Guy: Fucking Mac. I know he fucking gets to the fucking canteen before me, and he takes all the fucking jelly and hides it, 'cause he knows I fucking like it.
Mac: Martin, is this your signiture?
Martin: Yeah, it is, yeah.
Mac: Ah - can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.
Guy: You... are a gingre.
Mac: I am a fraise-blonde.
Alan: You've got a super vagina.
Joanna: Yeah, thanks.
Alan: You may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse.
[edit]

Rumours [1.2]

Guy: I may be many things, but not being indiscreet isn't one of them.
Caroline: Yes, I stayed at Dr Secretan's flat last night, but no, we did not have sex. Alright?
[Martin scribbles away next to an array of papers]
Boyce: Ah, revision.
Martin: No, it's a note and it's actually quite hard.
Guy: Suicide note?
Guy: What about 'to the useless bunch of shitheads who stole my yoghurt?'
Guy: Jesus, just put 'dear cleaners' and hope they don't take it as some sort of sexual advance.
Alan: And I'll discuss this with you when you're less -
Mac: Handsome?
Alan: No, less -
Mac: Charming?
Alan: Less sitting. Get out.
[on whether things are going well with her 'sort-of' boyfriend]
Karen: Thing is, he said I had a furry face. That can't be a good thing, can it?
Kim: No, I guess not.
Karen: [in tears] Damn my furry face!
Martin: Is the lost property box here?
Sue: Looking for your wee tinkle?
Martin: What's a tinkle?
Sue: All in good time, little man, all in good time.
Mac: You're my anaesthetist.
Guy: No, you're my surgeon. You're my surgeon bitch.
Guy: Cut 'em open, bitch.
Mac: Gas her, fucker.
Guy: Sew it up, gimp.
Mac: You're part of my team.
Guy: You're part of my anus.
Mac: [to his surgical team] What can I tell you? A few ground rules - no bombing, no running, no petting, no diving and no inflatables. In fact, probably best to leave all swimming related activities until later - this is, after all, an operating theatre.
Guy: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
Mac: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.
Alan: Does my coat sweep when I go round corners?
Caroline: Stop right there. Come back here.
Mac: Stop right there, come back here - which? I'm confused.
Mac: Can I go and cut people up now?
Caroline: Yes.
Mac: Excellent.
Angela: Out of interest - what does 'long term' mean to you?
Guy: It's an airport car park.
Angela: Monogamy?
Guy: Nice dark sort of wood, sideboards.
[an online 'Sorting Hat' places Karen in Slytherin]
Karen: Can I change it?
Kim: No, you cannot. The decision of the Sorting Hat is final - you cannot go again.
Karen: I don't want to be in Slytherin!
Harriet: Well, it's too late for that.
[Karen runs away, crying, and Harriet gets up to go after her]
Kim: Careful! Could be a Slytherin trick.
Guy: This is really childish.
Caroline: I am much younger than I look.
[Guy accidentally pushes too much air into a patient's chest during an operation]
Guy: I thought she was having a nightmare.
Mac: She is with you as her bloody anaesthetist.
Caroline: Can I have a quick word?
Mac: Zoom and whoosh. Quick words, words that are quick.
Mac: I think there are enough soap operas set in hospitals, don't you?
[edit]

Lodgers [1.3]

Joanna: [To some builders] "Oi! Wankers!" [Flashes her bra to the builders, then walks away.] "Yeah, still got the magic."
Martin: "I’m thinking about getting an Adamantium helmet."
Mac: "Yeah? That’s the stuff the Wolverine skeleton’s made out of, isn’t it?"
Martin: "Yep. Hardest metal in the world."
Mac: "Indeed, indeed yeah. Sadly of course, a fictional metal. So that would probably reduce its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario."
Martin: "Good point. Good point. Still the hardest metal in the world through." [Martin leaves.]
Mac: "Fictional."
Alan: "You’re probably thinking that in some bizarre way that my playing the recorder has caused, erm, an expansion down below."
Boyce: "I wasn’t thinking that, but I am now."
[Caroline screams after she fails to light up a cigarette.]
Caroline: "Aarrgh! I want nicotine! Then I’d like to meet a nice man and have a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.
[Angela to Martin and Guy about Mac’s former girlfriend, Holly.]
Angela: "She’s getting married."
[Mac enters, but they are unaware of his presence.]
Angela: "Also, although I haven’t found time to tell him this, she’s pregnant."
Mac: "Who’s pregnant?"
Martin: "Holly the baby killer."
[Guy teases Mac about Holly having a baby.]
Guy: "Have you ever seen The Terminator? It’s about this cyber-woman that gets pregnant and-" [Mac stabs him in the arm with a scalpel.] "Ow!"
[Guy sings the Whiteleaf School Song.]
Guy: "Through fortitude and character, we’ll thwart the knavish hordes!" [Guy starts to cry.] "And show through our resilience, of our destiny we are lords!" [Guy whimpers and sobs.] "S…s…s...Something. Something. Something. Each and every day. For Whiteleaf School, we’ll fight as one. Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!"
[Caroline talks to Martin about pubic topiary.]
Martin: You could have a heart done, or your initial, or a lovely swan.
Caroline: I could have a C for, "Caroline." Oh, no, people might think its C for something else.
Martin: ""Crazy," or…oh yes the nasty C word."
[Sue comforts a crying Guy.]
Guy: "Don’t be nice to me."
Sue: "Oh, all right, pull yourself together you cretinous fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people’s coats, rocking and whinging to themselves? I’ll tell you what sort of a man – a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. Men don’t cry. They’re strong hunter-gatherers. So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt, because that’s what you do best!"
Guy: "Fuck you, you ugly bitch! Oh, that feels so much better. Fancy a quick fiddle?"
Sue: "I am tempted, cos I’m all fired up. But no, thanks, I’d rather lick my own armpit."
[Caroline gets Mac to check her throat.]
Mac: "Say, "Ah.""
Caroline: "Ah."
Mac: "Say, "Aah."
Caroline: "Aah."
Mac: "Aaah."
Caroline: "Aaah."
Mac: "No, aaaah."
Caroline: "Aaaah."
Mac: "Aa-aah."
Caroline: "Aa-aah."
Caroline and Mac: "Aarh…aarh…aarh…"
[Caroline realises she it sounds as if she is having an orgasm and pushes Mac away.]
Caroline: "You’re a bastard!"
Mac: "You are completely fine!"
[Guy is on the telephone to a former girlfriend.]
Guy: "Suzy? Babe?" [Puts on a Welsh accent.] "Oh, hello. Oh, hello Frank. No, no, it’s Geoff. Yeah. No, I’m an old school friend of Suzy’s. I know she did, but I moved down when I was twelve. From..." [Changes accent.] "...Derbyshire. Oh, do they? Which part? Which part? Which bit? Oh, I know I don’t, but because I’ve got a bit of a cold at the moment and I’m a bit sad…about…well, about my…hedgerows. Yeah. I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to go to the Vale. The Vale of Pewter. Near…Derby. OK, OK, bye." [Hangs up.] "Think I got away with that."
[edit]

Joanna's Birthday [1.4]

[Harriet and Karen buying a birthday cake.]
Harriet: "Ooh, this one."
[Harriet picks out a cake in the shape of a pair of breasts.]
Karen: "That’s more Rachel. It’s not really Joanna."
Harriet: "We can put a candle on each nipple. I’ve always wanted to do that. Either that or run away and join the circus."
Guy: "Buggering wank!"
Mac: "The Swiss water-polo team lost again?"
Mac: "Join me again next week on Let’s Make No Fucking Sense when I will be waxing an owl."
Karen: "What’s that on your coat?"
Rachel: "What?"
Karen: "Silver lines, on there."
Rachel: "Oh, snails. Yeah, I want to a party last night and, err…woke up in the garden."
[Guy hides from a man behind Mac.]
Mac: "Who was that?"
Guy: "Shagged his mum. Highest sag factor in the league. I left my watch inside her."
[Karen loses her temper with the rest of the admin staff.]
Rachel: "Hark at her! Who rattled your cage?"
Karen: "You lot, I am sick of it! Taking advantage, just cos I haven’t got any breasts!"
[Martin and Boyce are putting crisp packets in an x-ray machine to find prizes.]
Boyce: "No. Non. Nein."
Martin: "That’s it for the prawn cocktail. Ready Salted."
Boyce: "OK. Non. No. [They find a winning packet.] Yes! Yes, direct hit. Open it up. Open her up."
[Martin opens the packet.]
Martin: "Yes! 20 quid."
Boyce: "20 quid."
Martin: "That’s 80 quid now."
Boyce: "20 British quid. Stick it with the others. There’s plenty more to come. No."
[Caroline and Angela storm in to see Guy, Mac, Martin and Boyce, about Guy's sexist league table of women.]
Caroline: "Right, we want a word with you."
Guy: "No, I won’t go out with you both."
[Later, in the same scene.]
Caroline: "I don’t say, "Guy, you look like the donkey from Shrek." Or, "Ginger freak," to Mac. Or, "Martin, you look like a vole," do I? Or you, Boyce, "You look like a porcelain lady-boy sometimes." Do I?"
Mac: "No, you don’t. Because that would be offensive, and that would be personal abuse, as stated in the discrimination policy of this hospital."
[Sue to Joanna, after she is told about the, "Spunk Locket"' from Alan.]
Sue: [Sings] "Happy birthday to you, now that you’re 52." [Normally] "Joke. Nice trinket. May I?"
Joanna: "No!"
Sue: "Well, there seems to be a slight discharge there. What is that? Perfume?"
Joanna: "No. No, it’s a special nectar. It’s an Indian tribal youth-giving…It’s hippy shit, you know."
[Sue tastes some of the spunk.]
Sue: "Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Yum, yum! We could all do with a bit of youth."
[Caroline gives her own scores to Guy, Mac and Martin.]
Caroline: "Unbelievable! All right, we’ll make one up shall we? Arse, out of ten. Guy, six. Mac, four. Martin, seven. Hair. Martin, three. Mac, three. Guy, six. Fuckocity. [To Guy] Nil. [To Martin] Nil. [To Mac] Guess what."
Mac: "What?"
Caroline: "Nil. OK? Happy, boys?"
Mac: "Yeah, very."
[Rachel runs into the office]
Rachel: "Karen! Martin Dear, he's so queer, is coming up!
Karen: "Oh my God! How do I look?"
Rachel: [Looks Karen up and down] "Rough."
[Alan, Joanna and Lyndon are at the hospital bar. Alan leaves to go to the toilet.]
Alan: "All right, you win. Just remember what I said. He’s got methods." [Alan leaves.]
Lyndon: "OK. I’m OK."
Joanna: "Lyndon. Lyndon, I don’t think I got my birthday kiss."
[Boyce sits in Alan’s seat, in between Joanna and Lyndon.]
Boyce: "Hello."
Joanna: "What the hell do you want?"
Boyce: "Dr. Statham said he’d give me 20 quid if I sat here. Peanut?"
[Martin surprises Joanna in the car park.]
Martin: "Hi, there."
Joanna: "God! Don’t do that."
Martin: "Did I scare you?"
Joanna: "No, I mean don’t come near me."
Martin: "I’ve got something for you."
Joanna: [Sighs] "Go on, then. Make it quick."
Martin: "Well, happy birthday…" [Pulls out a balloon.] "…Mum."
Joanna: "Jesus!"
[Joanna blows up the balloon using a cigarette.]
Joanna: "Bugger off!"
[edit]

Housewarming Party [1.5]

[Joanna, who has dyed her hair blonde, sees Caroline.]
Joanna: "Ah, Caroline Todd. Still sleeping rough, I see."
Caroline: "Well, no actually."
Joanna: "Bit of advice. Hairdressers are alive and well, you know."
Caroline: "And clearly all blind!"
[Karen’s poem, "Ode to Martin," read by Kim.]
Kim: ""There was a time I had not seen you, I don’t know how I coped. Now every day I want to watch you and help you with your [Pronounced phonetically] moped." "Help you with your moped?" What’s that?"
Karen: "Mo-ped. It’s mo-ped."
Kim: "That doesn’t rhyme."
Karen: "Yes it does!"
Kim: "It doesn't."
Karen: "Well, it’s assonance."
Kim: "What?"
Karen: "It’s a half-rhyme. Michael Caine taught it to Julie Walters in Educating Rita."
Kim: "Bollocks!"
[Karen eats the piece of paper with the poem on it.]
Harriet: "I tell you what you could do, Karen. In the second line: coped - cop-ed. "I know how not I cop-ed." No. A bit florid perhaps."
[Caroline and Mac talk to some students about medicine.]
Mac: "Any final thoughts, Dr. Todd?"
Caroline: "Don’t get ill. We make you all sleepy and do terrible things."
Mac: "Wise words indeed."
[Later, after the students have left.]
Caroline: "Well, that’s them fucked up for life."
Mac: "Yep. Well done."
Caroline: "Thanks."
[Mac offers to shake hands. Caroline replies, but Mac whips his hand away as a joke.]
Guy: "Martin, what do you think of when I say the word, "Switzerland," to you?"
Martin: "I don’t know, you’ve never said it to me before."
Guy: "I’m saying it now. And don’t say Phil Collins lives there."
Martin: "Does he?"
Guy: "Shut your eyes, think of Switzerland – what do you see?"
Martin: [Eyes shut] "Nothing."
Guy: "You must see something!"
Martin: "I don’t have a visual memory, sorry."
Mac: "I see something. I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold."
Caroline: "What are you wearing?"
Angela: "It’s called a white coat. It’s identical to the one you’re wearing, only a tiny bit whiter."
[Alan reads a message on Boyce’s mobile phone.]
Alan: "Hello B-C."
Boyce: "Hello Boyce."
Alan: "Hello Boyce. I wnt…"
Boyce: "Want."
Alan: "Oh. "You," with a u, very clever. I want you to cm…?"
Boyce: "Come."
Alan: "I want you to come all over my tts…"
[Alan hands the phone back quickly.]
Boyce: "It’s quite forward. She’s a primary school teacher."
[Sue’s reaction after Martin complains about the, "Dead Box."]
Sue: "Don’t be soft, there’s nothing wrong with it. Look. [Touching jacket.] Fatal RTA, [Touching trousers.] fatal RTA. [Puts feet on her desk and points to her shoes.] Stoke victim. I waited three days for these. Saves me a fortune."
[Sue takes Martin clothes shopping.]
Sue: "Have you got a hoodie? Well?"
Martin: "I’m circumcised, actually."
[Guy arrives at the party and kiss Rachel.]
Guy: "Rachel."
Rachel: "Well remembered."
Guy: "Have you got a dog, Rachel?"
Rachel: "Yeah, a Westie. Well, it’s my mum’s."
Guy: "Do you let it like your face?"
Rachel: "Sometimes."
Guy: "Yeah, I thought so. Yuck!"
Mac: "Goths are superb."
Guy: "Yeah, and the point of them is?"
Mac: "I love the way they pretend they’re ugly on purpose. It’s genius."
[Guy sees Martin in is odd shirt.]
Guy: "It’s the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla."
Karen: "Is your girlfriend a doctor?"
Martin: [Quietly] "I don’t have a girlfriend."
Karen: "What?"
[Music Stops]
Martin: [Shouts] "I don't have a girlfriend!"
Rachel: "Shame."
Mac: [About Caroline] "She certainly TDTD."
Guy: "Err…too drunk to dick. Doodle. Defecate."
Mac: "Dance."
[Martin sits on Caroline's bed.]]
Martin: "You are a strong, manly man. You are a strong, manly man.
[A naked Boyce pops up from the bed.]
Boyce: "Thanks very much."
Martin: "Boycie! You’re gonna crash here? Great, we could have a slumber party! Talk about girls…"
[A naked Kim pops up from the bed.]
Kim: "Piss off, Martin!"
Martin: "Kim, what are you doing here?"
Kim: "Having sex."
Martin: "Good."
[Caroline is saying goodnight to people at the door when Sue comes over]
Caroline: "Y-you were here!?"
Sue: [Addressing Caroline's breasts] "Thank you, Dr Trodd, for inviting me to you party."
Caroline: "Well I didn't, but you're here and now you're going so that's all that matters."
[Sue grabs Caroline and kisses her forcefully. Caroline eventually manages to push her away.]
Caroline: "I-I've been sick."
Sue: "Well, so have I. And I am completely shaved."
Caroline: [Under her breath, horrified] Oh my god.
[Mac stops a drunken Caroline from falling down.]
Mac: "Ohh! Could you be drunk?"
Martin: "Yeah. She’s had 21 shots of tequila."
Caroline: [Slurs] "22."
Martin: "Four shots of undiluted orange squash."
[edit]

Tests [1.6]

[Martin’s dream.]
Judge: "When did you realise you were wrong exam room?"
Martin: "Well, quite early on, but then I thought I was in a dream I once had, and that if I kept dancing, one of you might turn into Michaela Strachan and kiss me."
Guy: [Singing] "Examinations! Examinat-ah-ha-ha-ions! Examinations is what you need, if you wanna fail the test, if you wanna be depressed. Wo-ho! Examinations are what you need, if you wanna be a record failure. Ye-aaah!"
[Guy in Sue’s office.]
Guy: [Enters] "D’you know what I like about you? Fuck all." [Leaves]
Angela: "Are you wearing my pants? My white tanga briefs. They're plain cotton, not sexies, but they're my cute sportsies."
Caroline: "No, I haven't got them."
Angela: "Ah because I think you have, erm, I put them in the tumble drier last night and they weren't there when I came to iron them this morning."
Caroline: "You iron your pants?"
Angela: "Of course! So if you could just return them to me, I'll say no more about it."
Caroline: "But I haven't taken them."
Angela: "Oh! Oh, you’re wearing them now, aren’t you? Oh Caroline, you let your dirty washing pile up, you were desperate for a fresh pair. I understand, but it’s the principle, you see. It’s theft. Obviously I will not wear after your vagina has been in them – I’ll burn them – but I want what is legally mine."
[Mac passes and sees them. He walks off again and returns a few moments later with Guy and Boyce.]
Caroline: "Shut up!"
Angela: "What?"
Caroline: "I haven’t taken your pants, I wouldn’t want to. Stop being so anal."
Angela: "Give me back my pants. Don’t make me cross. You see, you’ve obviously got something to hide. Give me back my pants."
[Angela tries to grab Caroline's trousers, Caroline pushes her away. They start to fight.]
Guy: "Yes, I died and gone to heaven. Females fighting over their pants. They’ll rip each other’s clothes off."
Boyce: "I’ve got a semi."
Guy: "What’s wrong with you? I’m like a flagpole."
[Mac tries to break them up.]
Mac: "Come on, ladies. Come on, come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
Angela: "She’s wearing my pants, even though they're too small for her - she wants to be me!"
Caroline: "I’m not. You wear children’s clothes!"
Guy: "Mac, set them free, let them fight!"
Mac: "Gently, gently, gently."
Caroline: "You are mad. Look!"
[Caroline reaches down her trousers, and pulls out her own pants, which are purple.]"
Angela: "Ooh!"
Caroline: "Why don’t you try asking your boyfriend? He looks the type to wear girls’ pants." [She storms away down the corridor]
Angela: "I'm sorry Caro! I'll make it up to you, I'll buy you lunch!"
[Caroline tries to remember what happened at the party with Mac.]
Caroline: "First you say you don’t remember any kissing at all, and now you’re saying there was kissing in the toilet. Which one is it?"
Guy: [From the next room.] "Kissing in the toilet?"
Caroline: "Yes, er, who sang, "Kissing in the toilet?" in 1978?"
Guy: "Er, was it a young George Michael?"
Caroline: "Yes."
Guy: "Fucking hell! That was a guess!" [Sings] "Kissing in the toilet. Don’t flush, it’s lush."
Martin: "I know you pretend to be ashamed of me."
Joanna: "No, it’s quite genuine."
Martin: "Well, underneath I know you’re got some mother’s pride. And I don’t mean the bread."
[Guy and Mac help Martin with his revision]
Mac: "You know what you need? You need a system. I used mnemonics when I was revising."
Guy: "Me too. Take the bones of the head, right?" [Points to each one as he says them.] "Frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal."
Martin: "Jesus! How did you remember that?"
Guy: "I just took a simple, every-day phrase where the words began with the same letters as the bones."
Martin: "OK."
Mac: "Go on then, what is it?"
Guy: [Points to each one as he says each word.] "Foreign Politicians Often Zing Stereotypical Tunes, Mayday, Mayday, Venezuela, Neck."
Alan: "Precisely. Gamma rays, which produce images of – I’m having a baby – and can be expressed in numerical form. Tiny, pink, little baby. Moving on to diagnostic preferences in, let’s say soft-tissue trauma…Who’s the daddy? I think you’ll find that I am the daddy."
[Harriet opens up Joanna’s test results.]
Harriet: "Yes! It’s negative! I’m not. Yeah!"
[All the admin staff cheer.]
Harriet: "Booze."
[Harriet gets a bottle of some alcoholic drink out, starts to smoke several cigarettes, and rubs a computer monitor against her chest. Joanna reads Harriet’s test results, thinks that she is pregnant, closes the blinds, starts screaming, and smashing stuff in her office unseen. When she opens the blinds up again, everyone gets back to work.]
[Later, Joanna has realised her mistake. She hands Harriet her real pregnancy test results.]
Joanna: [with a massive grin]"Oh, Harriet, the lab just sent this up for you, it's marked urgent. Afraid I opened it by mistake, and er, congratulations!"
[Guy walks into Sue's office and sits down.]
Sue: "Yes."
Guy: "I haven't asked the question yet."
Sue: "Yes."
Guy: "Is that the answer?"
Sue: "What..."
Guy: "Is yes the answer?"
Sue: "...is the question? I don't know, is it?"
Guy: "But is yes the answer, take a gamble."
Sue: "No."
Guy: "No is the answer?"
Sue: "No is the answer. Yes is never the answer."
Guy: "So no is the answer?"
Sue: "No is the answer."
Guy: "So if I were to say 'Are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me?' then your answer is no?"
Sue: "D'you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you wanna just fuck me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and fuck me now? How about that, yeah?" [pause] "Shall we? Here on the table?" [pause] "How about whoppin' it up my arse? How about that, Mr Secretan? Doctor. Mister. Yeah? One above, doctor. How about that, yeah? Mr Secretan whopping it up Staff Liaison's arse."
[Guy fidgets nervously.]
Sue: "So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that."
Guy: "Not sure I can stand up."
Sue: "No. Well, I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?" [She gets up and starts to leave]
Guy: "Yeah. Um, can you shut the door?"
Caroline: "How was the, erm, interview?"
Mac: "Not sure. I might have used the words, "job,", "stick,", "up," and "arse," all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?"
Caroline: "Well, I think tone of voice is very important."
Joanna: "You and me are not an item. Never have been, never will be. What have you got to say to that then, eh?"
Alan: "I."
Joanna: "What?"
Alan: "You and I are not an item, not you and me."
[Guy, Mac and Martin talk about how to kill someone.]
Guy: "No, what you need to take out the cerebral cortex, is…"
Mac: "A hair cut."
Guy: "No, a shotgun, held under the throat." [Put an arcade gun under Martin’s throat.] "And slash!"
Mac: "Bang! Or have you now swapped the shotgun for a sword?"
[Alan in the stolen milk float.]
Alan: "Sod off, you Jezebel whores!" [Throws milk bottles out of the milk float.] "Go on, you slutty tarts! Go on with your slitty, slutty, slitty, slutty slots! Go on, sod off! You’re all the bloody same!" [He sees two women walking past.] "There’s a dirty Jezebel! Right, you two dirty-whore bitches!" [Stops the milk float] "Right, I can see you, you dirty sluts! Come here. I’ll get you!" [Gets of the milk float and throws some bread at the women.] "What in God’s…Off to a nunnery! You slutty tarts! Go on. You’re all the same, with your filthy bras and your pants and your peepholes…slutty panties. And you haven’t even got a cock! You haven’t even got a cock! You whores! You dirty…" [Hits a bump in the road] "Ow! Bloody bumpy bastards!"
[edit]

Tangled Webs [1.7]

[Caroline dreams of the housewarming party, kissing Guy and Mac.]
Martin: [O. O. V.] "Caroline, are you in there?"
[Caroline awakes. She is in the bath, full of bubbles.]
Caroline: "I do! Er, I mean, I am. I’ll be out in a minute."
[Caroline takes some of the bubbles and shapes them into breasts.]
Caroline: "Meet the girls. Pinky and Perky."
[Guy gets out his Guyball topmiler.]
Mac: "What the fuck is that?"
Guy: "My topmiler."
Mac: "Your what?"
Guy: "My new topmiler. It needs a bit of cranking up – I’ve got the semi-final on Saturday."
Mac: "Oh yeah? Is this your" [Pronounced phonetically] "Whiteleaf thing, isn’t it?"
Guy: "Whitliffe."
Mac: "I’ve seen it written down. It says Whiteleaf."
Guy: "I was there for 12 years, I think I know how it’s pronounced, thank you."
Mac: "So, semi-final, eh?"
Guy: "World Championship Semi-final, yeah."
Mac: "Sorry, World Championship Semi-final. How many people play" [Pronounced phonetically] "Guyball?"
Guy: "It's "Gee-ball.""
Mac: "Gee-ball. Of course, Gee-ball is Guy-ball, isn’t it, actually? It’s Guy-Secretan-ball."
Guy: "Yeah, you can laugh."
Mac: "Thank Christ for that."
Guy: "This country could soon have a new world champion. God knows, we’ve got precious few of those."
Mac: "To get to the semi-final, was it, er, two fixtures that you played?"
Guy: "Well, I had a walkover in the first round. Marcus Guisler had shin splints – big Austrian."
Mac: "So that was, what, one match? One weedy match."
[Guy puts on his topmiler.]
Guy: "I did win it in five straight clappers." [Mac looks at him oddly.] "What?" [Mac dumps a cup in the topmiler basket and leaves.] "Oi! Is that a… Did you… Is that…Oi!"
Mac: "Your reward will be in Devon."
Caroline: "Devon?"
Mac: "Oh, no, sorry. It’s heaven isn’t it? Yeah, that’s right. I used to get them confused as a kid. You know, when people die, they got to Devon."
Caroline: [Laughs] "That’s funny."
Mac: "Well, not really, no. Ruined my summer holidays – I thought my whole family was dead."
[Guy enters Sue’s office, carrying a child.]
Sue: "What is that?"
Guy: "It’s a kid. What do they eat?"
Sue: "Is it lost?"
Guy: "No, no. I borrowed it off someone, cos apparently women love them, and I’m trying to pull."
Joanna: "I’m completely naked under here."
Lyndon: "OK..."
Joanna: "Do you want to see?"
Lyndon: "Not really."
[An IT Technician, Josh pops up from behind a desk.]
Josh: "I wouldn’t mind."
[Geordie operation]
Mac: "That part of the day we’ve all been looking forward to. Nurse Richardson, perhaps you’d like to choose, movie genre, or regional accent?"
Theatre Nurse: "Regional accent, please."
Mac: "Excellent choice. Dr. Todd, perhaps you’d like to pick today’s regional accent."
Guy: "Surrey. Buckinghamshire. Er, Swiss."
Caroline: "Northeast, Newcastle."
Mac: "Tricky, but always very funny. Good choice." [Geordie] "All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation?"
Guy: [Rubbish accent] "Yahs, I think we should. Yes, I think we should." [Normally] "Oh, I’m not doing it. It’s silly."
Caroline: "I was just gannin’ to fetch youse bonny scalpel, pet."
Mac: "Aye, thank you. Would you like a little fishy on a little dishy?"
Guy: [Stilted] "Why, aye."
Mac: "Ah, champion. Thou shalt have a mackerel. All reet then, let’s not waste any more time, so it’s eyes doon and let’s open her up. Is she totally oot?"
Guy: [More Austrian] "Yahs, I think she’s totally out. Yahs, she’s totally…" [Normally] "Oh, I’m not playing."
Caroline: "Oh, come on, man, come and play."
Guy: "I’d have done it if it was movies." [Puts a cigarette in his mouth and begins to light it when the others look.] "What, does it say, "“No Smoking?"" [Rubbish accent] "Does it say, "No smoking?" What way to the dole office? Do you know, I’m unemployed and I have a mullet. [Later, normally] "Look, stop talking like bloody Jimmy Nail or Ant and Dec, or I’ll turn off the machine!"
Mac: "All reet, pets, I want you all to resume normal accentage."
Caroline: [Normally] "I’m just saying that if he’s failed again, I think it might tip him over the edge."
Guy: "Survival of the fittest." [Stretches himself using a plastic tube.] "Grrr! Martin needs to toughen up." [Stretches] "Come on! Maybe he’s not cut out to be a doctor." [Later] "Maybe he should just, I don’t know, stick to being like a nurse. I mean, they can be as thick as pigshit." [A metal dish flies across the room and hits his head.] "Ow! Fucking ow!"
Theatre Nurse: "Sorry about that."
Guy: "I could’ve got concussion!"
Caroline: "Toughen up Guy."
Mac: "Survival of the fittest."
[Guy takes a tube and a plastic bag, and sticks the tube up his arse.]
Guy: "Hold on, watch this." [Guy farts into the bag, inflates it, and then deflates it.] "Ahh…Now that’s…" [Attempts accent] "…magic! Magic!"
Mac: "Magic?"
Guy: "That’s magic!" [Thinks about doing it again, sticks the pipe towards his mouth, and then stops. Normal voice] "Ooh, no! Oh, that’s been right up my anus."
[Guy, Mac and Martin play Guyball. Martin is wearing a homemade topmiler, made out of a wicker wastepaper basket and sellotape.]
Guy: "OK, this is a classic three-person variation of the game. Till your head forward…" [Martin does so.] "Arrête!" [Martin stops.] "We just have to put the ball into the basket."
Martin: "I can’t see patients with a basket on my head. No way!"
Guy: "Stay in the parish. If you reach the masion, put your left arm up and shout, "Masion.""
Mac: "Masion!"
Guy: "No borrow tactics and no hedgehogs. Is that clear?"
Martin: "No, not really I can’t…"
Guy: "OK. I won the toss, so stickles are random and it’s a two-bounce ubique. Right, go, move. Run, run! Move, damn it, or I’ll towel-whip you!" [Martin runs. Guy turns to Mac.] "Right, my friend, the game is on."
Mac: "One thing..."
Guy: "What?"
Mac: "Martin likes me!"
[Mac runs, and Guy lets out a mighty bellow.]
[Guy opens Martin’s results.]
Guy: "Ooh. I know the answer."
Martin: "Oh, God…"
Guy: "It’s in my head. It exists. Do you want to hear it?"
Martin: "No. Yes. Go on, tell me, quick."
Guy: "Martin Dear…"
Martin: "Yeah?"
Guy: "You…have…"
Angela: "Oh, come on, Guy, get on with it!"
Guy: "OK. Martin Dear…you…have…"
[Boyce enters.]
Boyce: "Who wants to suck my cock?"
Caroline, Martin and Angela: "No!"
Guy: "Well, Martin might want to in a minute, because, congratulations, you have past with merit! You are now a…" [Slow motion] "…proper doctor!" [All of them celebrate. Boyce drinks some champagne.] "Good boy!"
Martin: [Normally] "Yes! Yes!"
Caroline: "Hooray! Martin, yes!"
Boyce: "Marty! Marty!"
[Martin runs out celebrating.]
Guy: "Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. What’s wrong with you? Are you mad? I was joking. Of course he didn’t pass. He failed. What’s wrong with you people? What? What? What?! Oh, so now I’m not allowed to make jokes about Martin and his exams, is that it? Is that…Oh, Christ!"
Guy: "That’s how I lost my virginity. She had nice tits for a 45-year-old."
[Guy in Sue’s office.]
Guy: "I want Mac struck off. He’s gay and I got proof. So if you could please get out the appropriate form, I…" [The cardboard face of Jesus appears outside the window.] "Who’s the bearded ponce? Is that Noel Edmonds?"
Guy: "Oh, look, nettles. I bet you’d think these would sting me."
Caroline: "Nettles will sting you."
Guy: "That’s where you’re wrong, because it’s all about the way you hold them. OK, watch this, all right? Are you ready?"
Caroline: "Ooh…"
[Guy pulls out a handful of nettles, and is in no pain.]
Guy: "It’s all about the direction of the hairs. Pretty impressive, eh?"
Caroline: "Yeah. You are the complete man. I see that now."
[As Caroline turns away, Guy drops the nettles. He is in agony, and starts to lick his hand to sooth the pain.]
[Boyce plays a joke on the now Christian Alan.]
Boyce: "I’m Jewish."
Alan: "No way are you Jewish."
Boyce: "No, I am Jewish. I’m a practising Jew, a Hebrew, a Son of David."
Alan: "OK, prove it. Lend me some money."
[edit]

Slave Auction [1.8]

[Karen tells Harriet she is wearing fake bunny ears. Harriet takes them off.]
Harriet: "Oh! It’s the only way I can get his breakfast down. I thought everyone looked friendly."
Karen: "Well…there you go. At least you made people happy."
[Harriet smiles, and then vanishes as she remembers.]"
Harriet: "I went to put flowers on Mum’s grave!"
Angela: "Well, you’ve got perfectly decent breasts."
Caroline: "Have I? Thanks, Angela."
Angela: "Not many people with a smaller cup size have such good shape and buoyancy without a bra."
Joanna: "I suppose radiology’s proper medicine."
Alan: "I’m not even gonna dignify that with an answer." [Pause] "Yes, it bloody is!"
[Murder attempt No. 1]
[Caroline is posting notes on a notice board. As she does, she drops one.]
Caroline: "Oh, bloody…!"
[Caroline bends down to get. As she does, an arrow flies into the board. She stands back up and looks. She runs off. As she does, Sue, carrying a crossbow, wearing her glasses and a fake beard runs out of a nearby room and pulls the arrow out.]
[Boyce has stuck a Star of Bethlehem on Alan’s pointer.]
Boyce: "I don’t think you understand. That’s soldered on. It’s never gonna come off."
Alan: "Yes, quite. Remarkable – all achieved in apparently under five minutes." [Alan hits Boyce under the chin with the point, knocking off the star and hurting him badly.] "Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal…"
[Murder attempt No. 2]
[Sue is hiding in the stairs. Caroline calls a lift. Sue moonwalks down towards her.]
Caroline: "What?"
Sue: "Lovely day."
Caroline: "I thought it was cloudy and chilly."
Sue: "Yeah." [Lift arrives] "On you go."
Caroline: "Don’t you want it?"
Sue: "No. Just wanted to see you safely into the…" [Pats her on the back.] "Metal womb."
Caroline: "I’ll take the stairs."
Sue: "Sure. Can’t tempt you?"
Caroline: "No. And don’t follow me."
[Caroline takes the stairs. Sue puts her ear to the wall to hear. Martin comes out of the stairs carrying a wire cheese-cutter.]
Martin: "Someone tied this bloody wire across the stairs. That’s really dangerous!" [Sue slaps Martin across the head.] "Ow!"
Sue: "Give me that."
Martin: "What was that for?"
Sue: "Nothing. Nothing at all."
[During an argument about the charity slave auction.]
Joanna: "Oh and I suppose Radiology is proper medicine, is it?"
Alan: "I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer." [Pause while Alan shakes his head angrily.] "Yes, it bloody is!"
Teacher: "Now…Robbie. Is there any history of mental illness in the family?"
Harriet: "No."
Teacher: "Are you sure?"
Harriet: "Yeah, I think so."
Teacher: "You know about the penguin with the chainsaw?"
Harriet: "Yes. Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend."
Teacher: "Robbie twitches quite a lot facially, except when he’s pretending to be dead... Which can last for several hours in a day."
Harriet: "Yeah… Yeah… I imagine that’s less disruptive."
Teacher: "He licks people’s legs, and he’s told us that you and his father don’t bleed. I…it’s best to nip it in the bud. Are there any major problems at home?"
Harriet: "Erm… He does like to eat bread straight from the freezer. "Bread lollies," he calls them. But we thought that was kind of sweet."
[Caroline is up for sale.]
Charles: "All right. Who will open the bidding for Dr. Todd?"
Woman: "£5."
Guy: "Oh, a snatch terrier!" [Giggling from the audience.] "You do know that’s a woman? Don’t let the manly features fool you."
[Martin rushes in carrying a cheque.]
Martin: "Hang on! Wait! Wait!" [Panting] "Three…thousand…pounds!" [Audience gasps]
Charles: "£3,000?"
Martin: "It’s a banker’s draft."
Charles: "Right. Sold to the gentleman down here for £3,000."
[The audience cheers as Martin and Caroline leave.]
Charles: "He’s Swiss, he’s Gay Secretan."
[Laughs from the audience]]
Guy: "That's Guy Secretan.
Charles: "Sorry, sorry. He's gay Guy Secretan."
Guy: "No, there's no gay, it's just Guy."
Charles: "Right. He's plain old Guy Secretan."
Guy: "That's right, girls.
Charles: "So who'll start the bidding? Who'd like to try this fine figure of a man?"
Rachel: "Yeah, we've all tried him."
Kim: "He's easy."
Rachel: "Slag."
Sue: "This is shite! Can we just have Dr. Macartney on now?"
Charles: "I’m sorry, Dr. Macartney has had to withdraw from the auction because his cat is ill."
[Sue screeches in agony and starts to cry.]
Guy: "Well the old sick cat excuse comes out again. Some people just can't stand the heat."
Charles: "Right, erm... Could we have your bids please?"
Karen: "Four pounds."
Guy: "Yeah, see, there we go."
Woman: "Ooh yes, ten pounds!"
Guy: "Yeah, no wrinklies thank you."
Sue: "OK, thirty quid for donkey boy."
Charles: "Sold over there!"
Guy: [Clearly very worried] "Th-there might be some other bids."
Charles: "Don't think so."
Sue: "Ee-aw! Ee-aw!" [The audience joins in as she leads Guy away.]
[Martin tries to be a bastard.]
Caroline: "Hi."
Martin: "Whatever."
Caroline: "Oh, can I have some wine?"
Martin: "Get it yourself."
Caroline: "What?"
Martin: "Get the bloody wine yourself."
Caroline: "Martin, is that you?"
Martin: "Well, yeah! Of course it’s me, fuzzhead!"
Caroline: "It’s me – Caroline. You’ve been to my house, remember?"
Martin: "It’s not your house, it’s your brother’s. Bloody women!"
Caroline: "I’m not sure I like your tone tonight, Martin."
Martin: "Fuck off!"
Alan: "Joanna brought me here once. To discuss hospital employment policy. Surreptitiously, however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick."
[Alan wakes up to find Boyce is in his bed.]
Boyce: "Erm..."
Alan: "Just silence!"
Boyce: "But, er…"
Alan: "Get out! Get, get, get up"
Boyce: "I can’t."
Alan: "Just get out of my inner sanctum, this minute!"
Boyce: "Well, I’ve got no pants on."
Alan: [Gasps] "Closed?"
Boyce: [Eyes closed] "Closed." [Alan starts to get out. Boyce opens his eyes] "Oh, you look lovely!"
Alan: "Shh. No, no!" [Alan climbs out, covering himself with his Roman costume. Boyce looks at him again.] "If…if you…" [Mumbles] "…it’s not!" [Leaves]
[edit]

Emergency [1.9]

[Martin confronts Joanna in the car park.]
Martin: "You let me down. You weren’t there for me, Mum."
Joanna: "Shut up! Not here!"
Martin: "I needed you to make my packed lunches, I needed you to pick me up from swimming and I needed you to make me that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween."
Martin: "I’ve got an angry penis."
Ward Sister: "Ah! Dr. Macartney. Sorry to screw the schedule, you know, on your last day, but Dr. Secretan had to pop out for about 20 minutes."
Mac: "Fantastic. Did he bother with an excuse or an apology?"
Ward Sister: "He was wearing linen trousers and you could see his cock."
Caroline: "I…I had a fight with Angela, that’s all."
Guy: "Were you wearing bikinis?"
Caroline: "What?"
Guy: "Bi-ki-nis. Were you wearing bikinis when you fought? It would help if I could visualise the situation." [Caroline kicks a kneeling Boyce, threatens Guy, and leaves.] "Yep. They were wearing bikinis."
Boyce: "Of course."
Alan: "I hereby inform you to report to my office, at nine o’clock tomorrow morning, not ten past nine, not five minute past nine, nine o’clock precisely, please. You see that device over there, Mr. Boyce?"
Boyce: "What, the clock?"
Alan: "Yes. A cunning piece of devilry which allows us to tell the time and thereby be prompt."
Boyce: "Yeah. Actually, it’s remarkably like the one in your bedroom."
Alan: "If we could leave it there."
Boyce: "If you think it’s for the best."
Alan: "I do think it’s best. Next you’ll spin some bizarre yarn about how you know where everything in my bedroom is because of some cock-and-bull story nonsense about drinking too much wine after a slave auction, and being in my bed, and one of us not wearing any pants and having to-to-to-to borrow a pair of pants."
Boyce: "What, like these?" [Boyce holds up a pair of underpants.] "Sorry, I haven’t had time to wash them yet."
[Alan takes them, mumbles and walks away.]
Martin: "Can I ask your advice about something?"
Caroline: "Your shirt tucked into your pants doesn’t really work for you, Martin."
[Martin pulls his shirt over his underpants.]
Martin: "No, look, it’s not about clothes, it’s about something more serious."
Caroline: "More serious than clothes? I don’t understand?"
Guy: [Referring to Caroline and Angela.] "Oh look, it’s Ken and Barbie."
[Mac commentates on Guy’s attempt to chat-up Joanna.]
Mac: "The hunter spots his pray. But there is a problem. The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual." [Joanna walks to the bar.] "He’s in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone…"
Joanna: "Double vodka."
Mac: "…and vulnerable. She’s old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance."
Guy: "Fuck off!"
Mac: "The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. He waits, like a coiled spring, and then…he strikes."
[Guy jumps over a chair. His back is still hurting from lifting Caroline, and he shouts in pain.]
Martin: [To Karen] "Would you like to maybe go out for a drink with me sometime? Just us, alone. One night – or day. It doesn’t have to be a night, in case you think I’m a murderer. Which I’m not, so…"
Joanna: "If you fancy a fuck, just say so."
[Caroline’s evidence against Emmy.]
Caroline: "Let’s talk about your career so far, shall we, Emily Lewis Westbrook?"
Emmy: "Oh, OK."
Mac: "Shouldn’t you have a big red book?"
[Caroline takes out a piece of paper.]
Caroline: "Right, Emily Lewis Westbrook, at the age of 22, was thrown out of medical school for inappropriate behaviour and financial irregularities. In ’96, she founded the Holistic Power Clinic, the HPC, in Dublin. Her co-director at the HPC is currently serving four years, whilst Emily herself served for six months for malpractice and forging physiotherapy qualifications. Shall I continue?"
Emmy: "No."
Caroline: "Do these events ring a bell, Emily?"
Emmy: "Yes, they do."
Mac: "Good God."
Caroline: "I just bet they do."
Mac: "That is ridiculous. I am such a fantastic judge of character."
Emmy: "Can I just say one thing in my defence?"
Caroline: "Go on, then, you fraudulent little tart."
Emmy: "I’m not that Emily Lewis Westbrook. I’m a different Emily Lewis Westbrook. It’s a small point, but I just thought I’d mention it. In fact, Emily Lewis Westbrook isn’t her real name at all, and I have in the past had to take out a private action against her, as obviously it’s particularly inconvenient when we both claim to be physiotherapists."
Caroline: [Long pause] "I will…I will, of course, take that into…con-consideration."
[Caroline is crying and Mac comes to comfort.]
Caroline: "Go away."
Mac: "Shan't."
Caroline: "I am such a tit."
Mac: "Yep. Yep."
Caroline: "You don’t have to agree with me."
Mac: "I was just being polite."
Caroline: "Thanks."
Mac: "I was very impressed."
Caroline: "By what? Me wrongly attacking your girlfriend."
Mac: "These things happen."
Caroline: "I called her a fraudulent little tart."
Mac: "Yeah, still it’s the thought that counts."
Caroline: "What does that mean?"
Mac: "Well, I was impressed you, er…felt you needed to run a check on her."
Caroline: "Well, it’s a fairly standard security procedure."
Mac: "Oh, I see, I see. Have you run checks on all 850 members of staff?"
Caroline: "No, not yet."
Mac: "How many so far?"
Caroline: "Just her so far."
Mac: "Oh."
Caroline: "I guess it was just…random testing."
Mac: "I love that, the way your random testing comes up with my ex-girlfriend."
Caroline: "Don’t flatter yourself." [Pause] "Your ex-girlfriend."
Mac: "Mm. Mm, yeah. Well, we had an…exchange of words, and I got quite a nice lager shampoo. She, erm…You know, she said she thought that I ought to be angry with you."
Caroline: "Yeah. Yeah, you should have been."
Mac: "I know. Whereas, in fact, strangely I found myself a) impressed, b) amused, c)…"
Caroline: "You already knew about the other Emily Lewis Westbrook, didn’t you?"
Mac: "She’d…She mentioned it."
Caroline: [Laughs] "You bastard. What…what was c)?"
Mac: "C). Erm…It was er…" [Mac turns Caroline’s head, and they start to kiss. The camera moves upwards to see their shadows embracing.]
[Martin tells Guy the news about Joanna.]
Martin: "Don't sleep with Joanna."
Guy: "I can sleep with whoever I want."
Martin: "No! There's reasons!"
Guy: "What reasons? It’s not like either of us is married."
Martin: "Bigger reasons."
Guy: "One of us has got a disease?"
Martin: "Bigger."
Guy: "She’s my long-lost sister?"
Martin: "Similar."
Guy: "What’s similar to that? She’s my long-lost brother?" [Martin does the, "Sounds like," action, as if he was playing charades.] "Why are you masturbating your ear? Oh. Sounds like…" [Martin does a sort of rap-like action.] ""Brother."" [Martin does the, "Sounds like," action again.] ""Smother."" [Martin moves his hands together.] "Shorter…she’s my long-lost smoo?" [Martin tries again. He sticks two fingers up.] "Two…" [Taps his arm to indicate to syllables.] "Two arms. Two syllables." [Indicates first syllable.] "What? One syllable? One syllable?" [Martin flaps like a bird.] "Buzzy buzzy penis?"
Martin: "She’s my smoo too!"
Guy: "She…she…she’s your smoo? And my smoo?"
Martin: "What are we gonna do?"
[Guy slaps himself in the face, then he slaps Martin, then they slap each other several times, sped-up.]
Sue: "Hey! No, no! Listen! Listen! She’s not good enough for you. She’s never been good enough for you, Mac! She doesn’t have a fanny!"
[The Three Musketeers]
Mac: "Listen, all of us are going home. All of us, or none of us."
Guy: "What are we, The Three Musketeers?"
Mac: "Yeah, if you like?"
Guy: "Can I be Porthos?"
Mac: "I’m Porthos. You’re Aramis."
Guy: "Fuck off! I don’t want to be a perfume."
Mac: "Why not?"
Guy: "Well, it’s like being called Paco Rabanne or L’Air du Temps."
Mac: "OK, you can be D’Artagnan."
Guy: "D’Artagnan wasn’t one of the three. He was unqualified, so if anyone should be D’Artagnan, it’s Martin."
Mac: "OK! If you’re not D’Artagnan, or Porthos, or Aramis, that would make you…"
Guy: "The other one."
Mac: "Whose name is…"
Guy: "I know this."
[They think for a long time.]
Martin: "I still think you should just get out."
Mac: "You’ve got too much to live for. What’s her name? Is it Karen?"
Guy: "Karen."
Mac: "Karen would want you to live."
Martin: "Caroline would want you to live."
Mac: "Yeah, I…You know, we’ve all got nice reasons like that we can think of, but…" [Looks at Guy.] "…Well, most of us have, anyway."
Guy: "I’ve got reasons to be saved."
Mac: "Have you? Like what?"
Guy: "Like I can’t die until I…"
Mac: "Until what?"
Guy: "Until I, erm…I-I-I-I remember the name of the third musketeer."
[They think again.]
Martin: "Athos."
Mac: "Yep."
Guy: "Oh, dear. Athos."
[The ambulance creaks over the edge again, and settles back down. The camera moves up above the ambulance, so the cliffs and sea are visible.]
[edit]

Misc quotes

Caroline: "September Fool! Everyone’s always on the look out in April so I like to do it seven months early, catch people off guard."
Guy: "Long term? It’s an airport car park. Monogamy? A nice dark sort of wood, sideboards. The c-word? 'unt. Well, did I pass?"
Mac: "What can I tell you? A few ground rules. No bombing, no running, no petting, no diving and no inflatables. In fact, probably best to leave all swimming related activities until later, this is after all an operating theatre."
Alan: "Alright. Somebody has used a marker pen to make some alterations. The badge should read Alan Statham, next line Consultant Radiologist, and on the word consultant, they've blacked out the letters 'o','n','s' and 'l','t','a.'"
Joanna: "Nobody’s going to know you’ve got a 48 year old foofy."
Martin: "Hello mum it’s me, Martin. Martin Dear, Martin, M-A-R-T-I-N… you know who it is."
Sue: "Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm *under* your side... I'm all over your side."
Sue: "Take that, How to deal with difficult people, now fuck off!
Boyce: "Would it be okay to x-ray my penis, I think I may have dislocated it."
Boyce: "I bought you for 30p!"
Harriet: "I haven't had sex since Oscar was born, and then last night, Ian touched my boob during Frost, and then his mother phoned in the middle of it and interrupted."
Karen: "He thinks we’re not sexually compatible, we just lay together naked."
Rachel: "Just that you know, I always fuck on the first date."
Kim: "I got sperm in my eye."
Angela: "Obviously I won’t wear them now your vagina has been in them."
[edit]

See Also

[edit]

External links

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Green Wing Quotes
Series 1:
Caroline's First Day | Rumours | Lodgers | Joanna's Birthday | Housewarming Party | Tests | Tangled Webs | Slave Auction | Emergency | Misc Quotes
Series 2:
Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Christmas Special | Misc Quotes
Retrieved from "http://www.billionquotes.com/index.php/Green_Wing_%28series_1%29"
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