Green Wing (series 2)

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For series 1 quotes, see Green Wing (series 1).

Green Wing (2004 –) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The second series was shown between 31 March and and 19 May 2006, with a Christmas Special yet to be broadcast.

1 Series 2
2 Misc Quotes
3 External links

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Series 2

[edit]

Episode 1 [2.1]

[Mac’s dream, after the staff have just changed into their sci-fi costumes. Guy notices he is wearing a dress and a woman’s wig.]

Guy: "Hold on! This isn’t mine!"

Caroline "OK, if you love me, lie still and don’t open your eyes. If you don’t love me, sit up and sing, "I will survive."" [After a short pause, Caroline smiles] "Really? Ahh…I thought so."

[Kim and Rachel are reading Oedipus]

Kim: "So, how far have you got?"

Rachel: "Oh, I’m just getting up to the good bit."

Kim: "Oh, you mean the bit were he actually sleeps with his…"

[Joanna takes the books from them.]

Joanna: "Yes, thank you. What do the twating Greek’s know about tragedy?" [Joanna puts the books in the bin] "Try being me for an hour, then you’d know about fucking tragedy." [Joanna enters her office, and falls over.]"

[Murder attempt No. 3]

[Sue is in the air vents, dressed in black with dark glasses. Sue finds Mac’s room. Caroline is lying asleep on the bed with him. Sue pushed a wire with a weight on the end, down the gaps in the vent and lowers it down to Caroline’s mouth. She then takes out some poison and trickles it down the wire. A nurse enters the room and sees Caroline asleep. The Nurse coughs and Caroline wakes up. She leaves the room quickly, just before the poison lands.]

Sue: "Oh God damn your eyes! I’ll get you my pretty!"

[Sue removes the grate and drops a white rose onto Mac’s bed.]

Alan: "Greetings, one and all. Mr. Boyce. So what er…what jollities await hmm? What larks? What japes? What hilarities lurkith today? Er…is there…is there…" [Taps light box with pointer] "…Tomato soup in the light box? Oh er…superglued my special mug? Let’s see." [Alan pulls hardly at the mug, but finds it not superglued] "Right, fine. I knew. So, what is it? There’s always something isn’t there."

Boyce: [Sadly] "No. Not today."

Alan: "A truce then, Mr. Boyce, for the nonsense."

Boyce: "Indeed."

Alan: "So what is it?" [Taps him on the face with his pointer] "Hmm? I little bit under the weather are we Mr. Boyce, or have we run out of…" [Pushes Boyce’s head back with the pointer] "…childish ideas? Eh, well, you may have won the odd battle Mr. Boyce, but you clearly cannot win the war. Ego sum victor!" [Attacks Boyce with his pointer, using as a sword and pointing at his neck.]

Boyce: "My daddy died last night."

[Alan stops messing around. He waves his point at Boyce, looks him in the eye, and starts stuttering.]

Alan: "Well…erm…I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m saddened." [Boyce starts to cry.] "We will be with them at the end."

Boyce: "Yeah. Yes. Would... would you like to see him?"

[Alan is taken aback.]

Alan: "The body?"

[Boyce lifts up in his hand, a matchbox containing a daddy longlegs.]

[Alan looks enraged, and stutters]

Alan: "Th-that is not your Daddy!""

Boyce: "No. No, "Daddy," my pet daddy-long-legs is dead."

[Alan is furious and spits on the match box.]

Boyce: "You said you were 'saddened.'"

Alan: "A daddy-long-legs is not a father!"

'[Alan hits Boyce’s hand. The matchbox flies in the air, Alan catches it, hits the box with his pointer, then stamps on it. Picks it up, puts it in his mouth, spits it out, and stamps on it again.]

Alan:"Yes!"

[Alan picks it up, and spits it this time over Boyce. He points to the box on the floor.] "There!"

Boyce: – "Sorry, where were we?"

Alan: - "There!" [Points at x-ray photo.] "And now here."

[Martin sings Mac and plays the mouthorgan.]

Martin: "Hmm, I’m sitting at the side of your bed. Oh, wishing I could mend you broken head." [Plays some more music] "I’m so sorry you’re in a coma." [Plays some more.] "I wish you could go home." [Plays and finishes]

[Guy has brought a kitten in Mac’s room. He then takes out a gun and points it at the kitten.]

Guy: "Wake up, or the kitty gets it." [Pause, then he talks to the kitten.] "You said it would work."

[Sue, wearing a white veil and carrying a bouquet of pink roses enters.]

Sue: "Oh, sorry. I thought Dr. Macartney was on his own, I’ll pop back later."

[Sue leaves. Later, Caroline confronts him, whilst he is lying on a desk.]

Caroline: "Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?"

Guy: "It was a replica."

Caroline: [Gasps] "You brought in a replica cat?"

Guy: "A replica gun."

Caroline: "You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?"

Guy: "Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat." [Guy falls of the desk he is lying on.] "Ow!"

Caroline: "Well I hope you’re happy with yourself, because they’ve banned you from seeing Mac."

Guy: "Ban-ed? They can’t ban me."

Caroline: "Well they just have. You will not be allow-ed into the room. If you do, you’ll be suspend-ed."

Guy: "Oh, well I’d like to see them try and stop me."

Caroline: "Don’t push it Guy." [Caroline leaves]

Guy: "Oh right, like I’m going to do what a girl says." [Guy pushes a trolley of medical equipment over.]

Female Nurse: "Pick those up, now!"

Guy: "Yeah, sorry."

Karen: "Shall we kiss?"

Martin: "Yeah."

[They peck each other on the lips very quickly, several times. They then stop.]

Karen: "Shall we try it with open mouths?"

Martin: "Yeah."

[Martin is about to do the same thing, only with his mouth open. Karen stops him.]

Karen: "Maybe, if we use our tongues a little bit."

Martin: "OK." [They start the whole thing again, only with time, with their tongues sticking out. After a while, Martin looks at his watch.] "I’ve got to…" [Kisses again]

[Joanna listens to Alan on the tape recorder.]

Alan: "Hello Joanna, it’s me, Alan. Alan Statham. I know I may have been a little harsh with you with the things I said about yourself and Dr. Secretan." [Joanna stops the tape. Kim laughs. Joanna takes the tape recorder and the other present into her office, and plays the tape again.] "I just wanted you to know that my true feelings are very different. I think if you open present No. 2, you’ll see what I mean." [The tape pauses. Joanna looks at the present and starts to open it. It’s a closed box.] "Go on, open it." [Joanna starts to open it.] "Yes, undo the shiny clasp." [Joanna can’t do it. She takes the tape and the box back outside, and tries to open it at Kim’s desk.]

Joanna: "More shoddy presents. Kim have you got any scissors or anything?" [Sees a ruler] "Oh it’s alright, I’ll use this."

Alan: "Yes, that’s it. Carefully lift the lid…" [Laugh evilly] "…Weren’t expecting that were you? Thousands of flies!" [Joanna stops and listens] "Dirty, dirty flies, blasting from the box and buzzing around you filling the room like a black stinking cloud and you know why they’re attracted to you…hmm? It’s because you’re a piece of dead meat!" [Joanna walks back into her office and starts to open the box again.] "Crawling all over you right now!" [Laughs evilly again] "In your hair, under your nostrils, up your feted fanny hole!"

[Joanna stops the tape, and carries the box back out of the office, handing it to Kim.]

Joanna: "I think this present needs returning. If you could er…pop down to Dr. Statham’s office and chuck it in through the door. Yeah, yeah, finger on top. Carefully, carefully, carefully."

[Kim carries the box out.]

[Alan plays God on Mac.]

Alan: "I shall make you in my image. In the beginning, was void. A rather bland and pasty visage, and Statham said, "Let there be hair!" And lo!" [Alan takes out a marker pen and draws a moustache on Mac’s face.] "…There was. Facial hair. And Statham looked upon it and saw that it was good. He also added rather fashionable pair of spectacles." [Alan draws a pair of spectacles on Mac’s face.] "Yes, I think I can see a bit of a double-act between us." [In Mac’s head, he dreams of a double-act. He dreams he and Alan are in the band "Sparks".]

Karen: "Hector?"

Harriet: "Horace? Horatio? Hebert?"

Karen: "Harold?"

Harriet: "No, too old fashioned. How about a Biblical name?"

[Kim and Rachel sit with them.]

Karen: "Yeah, Herod."

Harriet: "No Herabas?"

Karen: "I don't think so."

Harriet: "Gabriel?"

Karen: "Yeah, I like Gabriel."

Kim: "My God, you know it’s a boy?"

Rachel: "That’s unlucky, you shouldn’t name it yet."

Harriet: "Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Karen."

Rachel: "Oh my God! Karen’s pregnant?"

Karen: "Am I? Oh my God."

Harriet: "Oh no, Karen is picking out a pet name for Martin’s penis. And she likes Gabriel."

[Kim and Rachel looks disgusted.]

Karen: "What? He does look like a Gabriel."

Harriet: "Oh, Dick!"

[Kim points at her approvingly.]

Guy: "Listen Caroline, if a man hasn’t got his integrity, what does he got?"

Caroline: "Battleships?"

Guy: "What?" [Caroline gives him his Battleships game he was playing with Mac, when he was disguised as an Arabic woman.] "That’s not…that’s wasn’t me."

Caroline: "What wasn’t you?"

Guy: "Oh, yeah…well no…that…that…do you mean that woman with the…" [Screeches in a rubbish Arabic accent.]

Caroline: "Who’s she?"

Guy: "She’s the woman who…oh you must know that woman."

Caroline: "Do I?"

Guy: "She’s…she’s around. She’s called…" [Guy lets out a low Arabic rasp.]

Caroline: "Who’s…?" [Repeats the noise]

Guy: "She works in the…" [Arabic accent] "…Canteen."

Caroline: "Ah, does she?"

Guy: "Yeah."

Caroline: "Does she?"

Guy: "She serves the…" [Arabic accent] "…Chips."

Caroline: "The what? The…"

Caroline and Guy: [Arabic accents] "Chips."

[Caroline gives Guy back the game disapprovingly.]

Caroline: "Please wake up. I want you to do some gardening in my parsley patch. I want you to make love to me."

[Mac wakes up and knocks Caroline on the head.]

Mac: "Oh fuck! I think I’ve killed a doctor." [Mac lies back down]

Boyce: "Em.... Mac's woken up! He just knocked out Caroline Todd!"

Alan: "Well yes, of course he did, and..and I've got a cold in my cock!"

Alan: "Mr. Boyce, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?"

Boyce: "Why would I lie?"

[A woman enters and walks down the corridor.]

Alan: "Long ago, in Germany, many, many moons ago, in a little village in the mountains, lived a little boy. He was…"

Boyce: [Pointing at the woman and shouting.] "Fuck me! There is a wolf!"

Alan: "Bloody wolf!" [Alan hits a ping-pong ball at the woman and realises his mistake.] "No! No, I knew she wasn’t a wolf. I…no you see I pretended she, she, she, she was a wolf and therefore you are the fool! Not…ha, ha, ha!" [Alan looks low for his ball, and hits his head against the wall.]

[Sue reads a pregnancy guide. She is breathing in air, probably helium. Her voice is higher than normal.]

Sue: ""Pregnancy can produce a number of conflicting emotions. Ranging from feelings of pure joy…"" [Sue starts to laugh. Removes the air. Voice returns to normal, and she starts to read again.] ""…to bouts of black depression."" [Sue starts to cry and wail. He then stops and reads again.] ""You may feel faint."" [Sue faints.]

[edit]

Episode 2 [2.2]

Caroline: "Why me?"

Angela: "He’s still the same person."

Caroline: "It’s so unfair. It’s like being trapped in a parallel universe."

Angela: "Just tell him what happened."

Caroline: "He might not believe me. I’ve got no witnesses."

Angela: "Well, if he knows his minds gone a bit…blurrg…so just tell him."

Caroline: "Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi Mac, I’m er, I’m Caroline. You know, the one you found a bit irritating at first, but then er…well, the thing is you really, really liked me and now we’re kind of a couple. So, there you go, I’ve filled in all the gaps, let’s go to bed."

Angela: "Well, maybe in not so many words."

[Guy sees Joanna walking towards him.]

Guy: "Oh God. All right, just calm down. You didn’t know she was your mother, you didn’t mean to have sex with her, it’s not your fault. Just act normal."

[They pass each other.]

Joanna: "Dr. Secretan, good morning."

Guy: "Good mummy. Oh Jesus!"

[Alan telephones Joanna. He is a corridor, next to a notice board with pictures of the staff.]

Joanna: "Hello, Joanna Clore."

Alan: "Oooh…ooooooh…oooooh…dirty, dirty."

Joanna: [Uninterested] "Is that you Alan?"

Alan: "Super, this is the best I’ve ever had. It’s like…oh now…"

Joanna: "Alan, is the you?"

Alan: "Touch me there. Heeeeee…" [Another Doctor passes by and Alan stops. When he leaves, he starts again.] "…Heeeeee…ohhhhhhh."

Joanna: "Hello."

Alan: "Sorry, to whom I am speaking?"

Joanna: "It's Joanna Clore."

Alan: "Oh how awful, you must have heard me having full sex."

Joanna: "You’re not having sex Alan, you’re pretending."

Alan: "Of course I’m having sex, with…" [Looks at the board and sees Caroline’s picture.] "…Dr. Todd."

Joanna: "When you accidentally dialled my number?"

Alan: "Yes, yes. I was thrusting, dare I say my naked bottom pressed against the speed dial and I’m so very sorry that erm…you, you, you were party to my enormous orgasm just then."

Joanna: "Don’t apologise to me. Although since you’re on loud-speaker you might want to apologise to Charles…"

[The camera moves. Charles is in the office and has heard every word.]

Charles: "Hello Alan."

Alan: "Hello Charles."

Joanna: "…Simon…"

[The camera moves to show Simon, another executive, Asian.]

Simon: "Alan."

Alan: "Hello Simon."

Joanna: "…and Dr. Todd."

[The camera moves to show Caroline was in Joanna's office as well, thus hearing Alan talk about having sex with her.]

Caroline: "Dr. Statham."

Alan: [Timidly] "Hello."

Joanna: "We were just preparing for an internal tribunal."

Alan: "Well, that’s good. Err…because I’m glad you’re all there, because what I’m doing is highlighting the whole…err…business…of conference calling, and the risks inherent in security laps that are clearly going on. Goodbye."

[Alan hangs up. As he stands around he kicks into the air and his shoe flies off, which he catches, polishes, and puts back on.]

[Guy’s tribunal]

Guy: "I'd admit to an outsider that it probably doesn’t look great."

[We see the entire court. Charles (the head of the tribunal), Joanna, Sue, Simon, and another female executive.]

Charles: "How do you think it looks to an insider?"

Guy: "Probably not great."

Charles: "One of our anaesthetists steals an ambulance, containing one of our top surgeons and a junior doctor, and drives it over a cliff."

Guy: "Top surgeon? What about top anaesthetist?"

Joanna: "What about top arsehole?"

[Sue shines a light in his eyes.]

Sue: "What about Topshop? What about Top Gun? What about Top Cat?"

Charles: "Susan. Ssssh."

[Sue turns off the light and puts it away.]

Guy: "I was mentally distressed. Err…something of a shock."

Joanna: "Can we not go into details."

Charles: "Yes, I think we’re all aware of the circumstances."

Guy: "On a brighter note…"

Sue: "You are dead after all?"

Guy: "No. On a brighter note, it looks like I shall be getting back my Noel Coward style dressing gown." [Joanna hits her head on the table in despair.] "Which I wore, when…"

Charles: "Yes, well I’m sure we’re all very relieved. Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?"

Guy: "Err…I don’t think so?"

Sue: "What’s the magic word?"

Guy: "Abracadabra?"

Charles: "How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?"

Guy: "You want a tip? Is that ethical?"

Charles: "Verbally."

Guy: [Sighs] "Yeah, well…" [He coughs. He tries to speak but he can’t. Eventually he does.]thank you."

Charles: "For?"

Guy: "For having me, and also for smoothing things over with the GMC, and thank you for letting me go back to work, and thank you for… da music, the songs I singing, thanks for all da joy they’re bringing."

[Martin, Kim and Boyce are having lunch. Kim is sitting on Boyce’s leg. Guy walks over to them.]

Guy: "Oh yes! I’m a free man. I won. Out of my Jezabel."

[Guy pulls Kim away and Guy sits on Boyce.]

Kim: "Come on Karen, let’s eat outside."

[Martin stands up. He is sitting on Karen.]

Karen: "Oh, my legs have gone to sleep." [Karen falls over. Kim helps her get up and they both leave.]

Guy: "Yeah, I walked all over them. They begged for my forgiveness."

Martin: "No! What, you’ve got your driving licence back?"

Guy: "Yes, that’s right Fartin, they overturned the court's decision. And they made fox hunting compulsory for the under fives and they banned water."

Martin: "Water! Not drinking water?"

Guy: "Yeah, drinking water rain man, yes, yes, and drizzle. So, who’s for a celebration game of Guyball?"

Boyce: [Looking at his watch] "Yeah, I’ve got to go. Got to top up on water."

[The team return.]

Caroline: "Look, we’re all back!"

Mac: "Yeah, but I don’t really remember who you are?"

Guy: "Well, as long you remember in what order to put the organs back in in."

Mac: "What an odd thing to say say." [Mac has a scalpel in his hand, and starts waving it around.] "A one, a two, a one, two, three, four."

Caroline: "Yeah, I’m actually a little bit worried now."

Mac: "Wuss."

[As Mac cuts into the body, Guy pretends to look worried.]

Guy: "Oooh…no! Not like that! Don’t hold it like that. Oh my God, the man’s a butcher. Be careful with that bit, that’s the bit they need to…eat asparagus. They won’t be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out." [Guy and Caroline start to laugh.] "Et tu Caroline."

[Mac stops.]

Mac: "Are you two dating?"

Caroline: "No, one date."

Guy: "One date, and now we’re married."

Caroline: "No, no, no, no, we’re not married."

Guy: "Yeah, she likes to pretend we’re not married, but we are."

Caroline: "No, we’re not married."

Guy: "I can draw an accurate diagram of her labia with a Spirograph."

Caroline: "No he can’t. He can’t! Guy, shut up!"

Guy: "Oh she does go on, the wife. In fact, if you want to see what it looks like…"

[Guy pulls off an air tube connected to the patient with a mouthpiece shaped like a labia. The machine starts bleeping quickly, and Guy puts it back.]

[Guy and Mac’s top five qualities in a woman, to Caroline.]

Guy: "Five qualities, that’s easy. Number one, bendy."

Mac: "Unpredictable."

Guy: "Number two, shaved."

Mac: "Must appreciate the genius of the Kinks."

Guy: "Number three, slightly anorexic."

Mac: "Thoughtful eyes."

Guy: "Four, about sort of 5% lesbian."

Mac: "Should be in touch with her masculine side."

Guy: "And finally, mustn’t be too smelly, in the cellar."

Mac: "Compassionate."

Guy: [Disgusted] "Errrr…So what you’ve come up with is an unpredictable, yet compassionate, slightly masculine, Kinks fan... with eyes?"

Mac: "I know. It’s an impossible dream." [Mac leaves]

Guy: [To Caroline] "In the cellar." [Caroline leaves] "Down below."

[Rachel is dancing as she listens to music on her iPod. Then she starts to cry.]

Joanna: "Kim, Charles wants some other bloody brief, could you tell him to fuck off would you? What’s up with her?"

Kim: "She’s got her iPod on random. Travis."

[Joanna walks over to Rachel, and takes out one of her earphones.]

Joanna: "You think Travis is sad do you? Hmm…" [Joanna takes a glass of water and puts her iPod in it.] "There, bet you’re sad now."

["Carrier pigeon," a poem by Alan]

Alan: ""Carrier pigeon. Carrier pigeon. Carrier of disease. Oh gnarled claws, hobbling. Disease, eating away at your very being. Look out! A car! I can’t fly because my wing has been damaged. Beep. Beep. Beeeeee…"" [Alan beeps like a heart monitor after the heart stops beating. He moves his fingers as he continues. He pushes his spectacles half-way through and continues.] ""…eeeeeeeep.""

[edit]

Episode 3 [2.3]

Angela: "They said I looked like that person from Animal Hospital."

Caroline: "Rolf Harris?"

Joanna: "Yeah, you’re not the sheriff in this town, I am."

Sue: "Well you can take your pointy star and shove it up your…" [Eccentrically] "…butt-crack!" [Normally] "This is my area of expertise."

Joanna: [Scottish accent] "High pitched squealing and scary eyes?"

[Harriet rushes into the office.]

Harriet: "Oh, sorry I’m late. The kids."

Kim: "Took forever to get ready?"

Harriet: "Yeah, and the traffic."

Rachel: "Terrible?"

Harriet: "Wasn’t it. "Then I had to stop of at…" [She opens her bag, and a cat comes out of it.] "Oh. Well who did I leave at the vets then?" [The cat runs off and Harriet tries to find it.] "Here puss, puss, puss."

[Joanna enters the office with Karen behind her. Joanna sees the cat.]

Joanna: "No pets allowed!"

[Joanna stamps on the cat. Karen screams. Joanna then kicks the dead cat across the office.]

[Martin enters Sue’s office. Sue is stirring a cup of tea and Martin cannot get a word in as she is making too much noise. She stops.]

Sue: [Shouts] "WHAAAAAAAT?"

Martin: "I want to report a murder threat."

Sue: "Right, who’re going to kill?"

Martin: "No, it’s me! I might be killed. I have got a video tape."

Sue: "Really, is it Thumbelina?" [Sue drinks some of her tea.]

Martin: "No, I gave that back. Guy has made a camcorder tape of him doing it with, well with our mother."

[Sue spits out her tea for about 10 seconds.]

Sue: "A tape! Are you tugging my squirrel?"

Martin: "No! Guy made the tape for a bet."

[Sue starts to mop-up, wiping herself, the desk and Martin.]

Sue: "I see, right. So why did he give the tape to the King of the elf people?"

Martin: "Well, he thought I looked like a priest."

Sue: "Were you in a pulpit?"

Martin: "No, no. I had a black T-shirt on, with a white T-shirt on underneath. And he was drunk, and he wasn’t absolutely sure, but I looked a bit priestly, and to be fair I was hiding from Karen, so I had a false bread and with some glasses. But, even though he thought I was a priest, he threatened to kill me if I told anyone."

Sue: "Well, it’s a good thing you haven’t told me then, isn’t it?"

Martin: "No, no." [Martin realises what he has just done.] "Well, I just thought, you know, murder threat, tell someone. OK, right. Just…I’ve not been in here. I’ve not told you anything. We’ll just leave it at that then, yeah? OK." [Martin leaves.]

Sue: "Yeah, slow down shorty!" [Sue takes out a mini-vacuum cleaner, and sucks Martin into the office.] "Where is this tape now?"

Martin: "Well, it’s not in my pants."

Sue: "No?!" [Sue puts the vacuum cleaner above Martin’s trousers, sucks up the tape and takes it.]

Martin: "I can’t give that to you!" [Sue sits down.] "Don’t do anything bad with it!"

Sue: "No." [Sue puts the tape down her top.]

[Male dominated workplace.]

Caroline: "I’m just saying it’s a male dominated workplace."

Guy: "Bollocks!"

Caroline: "I’ve got a few other points you can prove for me if you like."

Guy: "It’s not male dominated, they’re bloody women everywhere."

Mac: "Hmm…crunching underfoot everywhere they walk."

Guy: "Yeah. Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have. It’s pointless. Really hurts."

Caroline: "Wow, it’s like working with Germaine Greer."

Guy: "She was alright in her time. A bit tall."

Mac: "Big mouth."

Guy: "Yeah, not a hindrance. Not a hindrance at all. Because you see, I’ve got a great big cock."

Caroline: "Guy, ssssh."

Guy: "And massive testis."

[Mac throws a surgical tool into a box.]

Mac: "Dr. Todd, a little fiddly bit coming up now…"

Guy: "They’re like cricket balls. Like sort of…well tennis balls actually. No, bull, bull, bulla-ber-donk. Huge, throbbing, nut sacks." [Caroline and Mac look at him.] "Massive, quivering gonads. What, what are you staring at, Mr. Average-Ginger-Bollocks? They’re like two tiny Scotch eggs…" [To Caroline] "…and you’ve got no balls at all!"

Caroline: "You’re right, I’m a great big freak."

[Guy bends down and lifts up two inflated bags next to each other with a pipe sticking in them. He stands back up again.]

Guy: "They’re like that, sort of."

[Guy blows into the pipe and jiggles the bags around.]

Guy: "I’m playing your game, it’s such an easy game to play." [Impersonating Sue.] "Oh look at me, I’m mad and I’m Scotch."

Sue: "Yeah, yeah."

Guy: "Yeah, well deep-fry yourself! Half Swiss beats mad Scotch any day of the week."

Boyce: "I know she's sworn us to secrecy, but I’ve got to tell you. You and Caroline…"

Mac: "Yep."

Boyce: "You were…" [Taps his nose.]

Mac: "What, took cocaine together?"

Boyce: "No, no, no, no. Biiiiig buddies. Yeah, say no more."

Mac: "Yeah. Interestingly enough, I’ve just heard a slightly different story from Guy."

Boyce: "Yeah, but who do you trust more, me or Guy?"

Mac: "Aah, that’s a tricky one."

Boyce: "I swear on my penis."

Mac: "Then I would be forced to believe you. Though, if I were to ask you, "Who would you trust more, Guy or anyone else in the world?" It’s not really Guy is it."

Boyce: "Yeah, I really didn’t need the penis thing, did I?"

Mac: "Not really."

Joanna: "Kim, get me Sue White’s file. For dirt. Anything. Arson, abuse, pilfering, embezzlement." [Telephone rings.] "Hello."

[Sue is in her office, sitting cross-legged on her desk.]

Sue: "And I want a chandelier."

Joanna: "A chandelier, yeah." [Joanna writes it down.]

Sue: "A motorised one."

Joanna: "Oh don’t be ridiculous…I’ll see what I can do."

Sue: "I shall drive it through the hospital, waving at people."

Joanna: "Are you sure you mean a chandelier?"

Sue: [Imitating a car horn.] "Parp! Parp! Wave."

[Sue hangs up. Joanna pretends to scream down the phone and hangs up.]

Joanna: "Right, what have we got? Anything?"

Kim: "Oh wait, there’s a complaints file."

Joanna: "I knew it!" [They open the file. A pop-up paper set of flowers comes up from the file. Both scream at the sight.] "Oh damn, she’s good."

[In her office, Sue is pretending to drive a car, making honking noises and waving.]

Karen: [After opening a card from Martin.] "Ahh…sad little puppy face. "So sorry you’re leaving." So I’m leaving?"

[Martin pretends to be in pain.]

Martin: "Oh, my stomach."

[Karen opens the card.]

Karen: ""Dear Karen, I do really like you, but I think we should stop seeing each other.""

Martin: "Oh my God, I’ve got cancer. That’s what it is."

Karen: ""Completely. No offence. Yours sorrily, Martin. Kiss.""

Martin: "That is bizarre. D’you know what?"

Karen: "What?"

Martin: "Someone has tip-exed my original message, OK, and written their own message in there, forged my writing. What…Why would somebody do that? That’s just evil! That’s probably Guy, just…" [The lift doors open. Martin points.] "What’s that?!" [Karen looks. Martin steals his card and runs off. Karen cries and the doors shut.]

Angela: "What would happen if a paediatric registrar were to resign?"

Sue: "Well he, she, or indeed it, would have to serve a minimum of eight weeks notice unless otherwise stated in her contract."

Angela: "Hmm…any way of bring that time down a little bit?"

Sue: "To how long?"

Angela: "Just over three hours."

Sue: "Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the others were rhetorical."

Angela: "This is the chance of a lifetime. If it doesn’t happen now, it may never happen."

Sue: "Are we still on the rim thing?"

Guy: "No, I think we need to concentrate on finding the identity of the priest."

Martin: "No, forget the priest. The priest will be gone, out the country."

Guy: "Not necessarily, and I'd remember that man’s face anywhere."

Martin: "Really?"

Guy: "Yeah, what was his name now?" [Irish accent] "Father Martin... O’Dear. Oh dear."

Martin: "So, you think it’s me, that I’m the priest, that I’d just betray you like this?"

[Guy pulls Martin by his shirt.]

Guy: "I’m sorry it’s come to this Martin. We’re friends, and we’re family. I wish things could have been different."

Martin: [Meekly] "They can."

Guy: "No they can’t." [American gangster accent] "This hurts me."

Martin: [American gangster accent] "It’s gonna hurts me too, isn’t it?"

Guy: "Yeah."

[Guy takes a large mouth full of Guinness, but does not swallow. He puts his mouth next to Martin’s ear, and squirts the Guinness from his mouth, into Martin’s ear, and out of Martin’s mouth.]

[Mac enters the gents'.]

Martin: [O. O. V.] "Hi Mac."

[Mac turns around and sees what has happened.]

Mac: "OK, that is the worst, "Going to the toilet," I’ve ever seen."

[The camera moves to show Martin stuck to the wall with parcel tape.]

Martin: "Yeah, Guy said he’d be phoning the gays."

Mac: "Which gays?"

Martin: "Well, all of them."

Mac: "The thing you have to understand about the gays, is that they probably more scared of you, than you are of them."

Martin: "Oh really? Oh cheers Mac. That makes me feel slightly better."

Mac: "Should I cut you down?"

Martin: "If you could please, yeah. Then I can get that tape back of Sue White."

Mac: "What tape?"

Martin: "The tape of…oh shit! I’ve done it again!"

[Goodbye Angela]

Angela: "So Caroline, this is it. Our fond farewell."

Caroline: "Yep. Well, I’m happy for you."

Angela: "Are you? Gosh, how mature of you, I’d thought you’d be seething with jealously. But no, thanks, we must finally be true friends. You must really like me."

Caroline: "No, you’re right. I hate your success, I hate your wiggle and I hate your hair."

Angela: "No, you’re just saying that."

Caroline: "No, I mean it."

Angela: "I know." [Angela giggles.] "You’re the prefect girlfriend."

[Angela gets read to leave. Caroline is about to follow, but Guy stops her.]

Guy: "Easy, easy."

[Guy moves her away. Angela kisses Mac, carrying a balloon with the words, "Good luck," on it.]

Angela: "See ya."

Mac: "Take it easy."

Angela: "Yeah."

[Angela turns to leaves, gives someone a high-five, wave’s goodbye and leaves East Hampton. Guy and Caroline are next to each other.]

Guy: "Oh God, it already feels a bit weird, now she’s gone, doesn’t it." [Guy starts to hug Caroline.] "I feel very emotional. I feel a bit sad." [Guy’s hand moves and touches Caroline’s breast. Caroline moves away.] "I just wanna hug."

Caroline: "No."

[Caroline leaves. Guy sees a woman walking past.]

Guy: "Give us a hug." [The woman walks past. Guy turns to some women at the bar.] "Give us a hug."

Woman: "No."

Guy: "[To another woman.]" "Give us a hug. No?" [Turns to a fat woman, but stops and walks away.]

[Alan’s alphabet song]

Alan: [Sings] "A is for Appendectomy, B is for Barium, C is for Cystitis, Defilbrillator's for D." [Speaks] "That’s how it goes." [Sings] "E is for Echocardiography." [Speaks] "Yes quite complex isn’t it. F’s a Fucking director! G is for Gobshite, and, and, and, He’s a Bastard is for H, I is bloody pissed off! J is for Jugglery Jugs, and K is for Kicking Arse and Lady Lips is L, and M…M…N…N…is…O! Penis is for P! Q is for Queer, I’m not queer. R is for Rectum, S is for Shits and Slits, and Tiny Tits is T, and U is a bastard, and V is for Vagina, and…X…and…W is for Wank, and Y-Fronts is for Y, X-ray is for Z!" [People start to make him leave.] "Don’t push me! A is for Arsehole! B is a bastard!" [He is thrown out.] "Oh cock off!"

[Guy is walking down a corridor when he spots a dog walks behind him. He stops and turns around. The dog has stopped. Guy walks on and the dog follows him again. Guy stops again and so does the dog. Guy walks on yet again and again the dog follows. He looks behind, still walking, and the dog still follows.]

Guy: "Go away!" [Guy leans up against a wall.] "“Shoo! Stop! Just hold…" [The dog jumps up to him. Guy sees something in his mouth and takes it out. It is the tape. The dog jumps down and walks off. Guy pants as he looks at the tape. Then realises something is wrong.] "That should not have been erotic!" [Clenching the tape tightly, he walks away. Outside the hospital, Guy throws it in the air and catches it. He then puts it in his mouth and tries to swallow it.]

[edit]

Episode 4 [2.4]

[Joanna has a new fish tank in her office. She is having trouble reading a document. She empties an ashtray and uses it as a magnifying glass, but it does not work. She holds the document up very close. She puts it on the desk and rests her head on it. Rachel then enters.]

Rachel: "Morning."

[Joanna sits up, with the document stuck to her head.]

Joanna: "Hmm…" [Removes the document.]

Rachel: "Oh, fish tank."

Joanna: "Oh well spotted."

[The camera pulls out to reveal a goldfish floating on top of the water.]

Rachel: "I don’t think your fish is very well."

Joanna: "Of course it isn’t very well. It’s dead."

Rachel: "Oh. That’s a shame."

Joanna: "No it’s not. I bought it dead. It’s there because it’s dead and I’m not, I’m alive, ha!"

Rachel: "Right."

[Rachel leaves. Joanna drinks some alcoholic drink out of a small bottle.]

Joanna: [To the dead goldfish.] "You idiot! You dead, gold, idiot!" [She throws the empty bottle at the fish.] "I’m not dead, I’m alive."

[Alan tries to find his new parking space. He spots it, between a space already occupied by a car just within its lines to the left, and a skip to the right.]

Alan: "W…bloody…that’s it! That’s it! Oh yes, put yourself in there Alan why don’t you." [Alan reverses, and then drives forward towards the space. He notices how little room he has.] "Bloody Metro! Get out the way!" [He drives into the space, and hits the skip.] "Oh, careful." [He backs out, and drives forward again. He cannot get in. He pushes the skip forward a bit as he tries. He backs out, drives forward, pushes the other car, and drives into the space, crushing his left-side mirror.] "It’s just a mirror, just a mirror. All in vanity." [He drives on, crushing the left-side mirror of the other car.] "Try again. Back, back." [Alan reverses out and tries again, this time backwards. As he does, he crushes his right-side mirror on the skip, and scratches the other car down its left-hand side.] "Come on! Get in there!" [He stops the car.] "Right, time for work." [He tries to open the door, but there is not enough room. He opens the door opposite but there is not enough room again. He climbs into the back of the car, and gets out via the boot. He shuts the boot, walks on top of another car, and leaves.]

[Harriet arrives in the car park, with her exhaust pipe almost off. She removes it from the car. Lyndon sees what is going on. Harriet hurts herself as she takes off the hot pipe.]

Harriet: "Ow!"

Lyndon: "Are you alright, Harriet?"

Harriet: [Crying] "Yes, this thing just fell off my car."

Lyndon: "It's your exhaust."

Harriet: "Yes. Well, anyway it’s the last bad thing that can happen to me. I’ve had my three in fifteen hours, but this, Robbie’s been excluded from school for a week for peeing on the Virgin Mary, and my husband’s thinking of leaving me, for Rosey Pin-Legs Frizzy-Eyed Kendal, but he hasn’t decided yet. So here’s hoping that he gets a teensy-weensy bit better! How are you?"

Lyndon: "Yeah, I’m OK." [Harriet lifts up the exhaust pipe.] "Hey careful!"

[Karen’s new shoes]

Karen: "Yeah, well they’re made out of natural by-products."

Rachel: "What, like shit?"

Karen: "No. Like banana skins, bamboo."

Rachel: "You’re wearing shoes made out from banana skins?"

Karen: "No, these are gecko."

Kim: "Gecko’s an animal."

Karen: "What?"

Kim: "Yeah, it’s a sort of lizard."

Karen: "Oh my God!"

Rachel: "Yep, you're wearing lizard-skin shoes, murderer!"

[Karen takes off her shoes in disgust and throws them out the window.]

Kim: "You just hit that pigeon!"

Rachel: "Double-murderer!"

[Caroline looks at her relationship with Mac.]

Caroline: "It’s not like Emmy’s a threat anymore. Holly’s all safely tied up with her husband and everything so…"

Guy: "Ha!"

Caroline: "What?"

Guy: "Nothing."

Caroline: "You just said, "Ha!""

Guy: "No I didn’t."

Caroline: "You know something, don’t you?"

Guy: "No, just something Angela said before she left, it’s nothing."

Caroline: "What?"

[Caroline grabs Guy and threatens to punch him.]

Guy: "Not the face!"

Caroline: "Tell me!"

Guy: "I’d be betraying the confidence of a friend."

[Caroline lets him go.]

Caroline: "OK. Yeah, yeah. I can respect that."

[Caroline walks away, but Guy stops her.]

Guy: "OK! Holly split up with her husband and wishes she never let go of Mac. Oh dear, it just sort of slipped out."

[Sue tries to make Alan leave her office.]

Alan: "Well, I object."

Sue: "Good for you. Goodbye."

Alan: "Well, no! No, not goodbye actually. Not goodbye."

Sue: "Right, let me put it another way."

[Sue takes out a can of oil, and pours some in a straight line horizontally across her desk.]

Alan: "Yes. Well, don’t think that I don’t know what’s going on." [Sue puts the can away and takes out a box of matches.] "Makes no difference to me." [Sue takes a match out, waves it in front of Alan.] "Well, you may." [Sue strikes it across her arse, and sets her desk alight.] "Well, alright. Don’t…don’t…don’t…" [Alan tries to blow the fire out.] "Aah, don’t think that…that…" [Alan tries to wave it out using his hands, and ends up setting his white coat on fire.] "Don’t think that I don’t know what’s going on…because…" [Alan sees his arm on fire.] "This isn’t the end of it." [Alan starts to leave.] "No, this isn’t it! This isn’t the end of the matter." [Alan opens the door.] "Right, I shall…goodbye to you!" [Alan leaves. He runs down the corridor with his arm on fire. As he tries to avoid the people coming towards him, he sets a potted plant, some documents, and a trolley on fire. In one room, a woman is in a birthing pool. Alan runs past, then runs in and jumps in the pool.] "There, don’t worry! Right, don’t worry, I’m not your baby. Just err…" [Alan touches the woman’s belly.] "There we go. Easy does it. Yes, thought I might help it along a little bit. Right, so better check underneath." [Alan ducks his head under the water for a short time and then pops back out.] "Yeah, lovely, I can just see the head. Right, well done. Excellent."

[Guy teaches Guyball to some children. The class are all looking at their blue and green topmilers. One of them is in a wheelchair.]

Teacher: "Alright, can I have your attention please, little people?" [Blows whistle. The children stop messing with the Topmilers.] "Thank you. That’s better. Now today we’re going to learn a new game. It’s called…" [Pronounced phonetically] "…Guyball."

Guy: "Gee-ball!"

Teacher: "Anyone heard of it?" [Pause] "Well, this is Guy…" [Pronounced phonetically] "…Secretan."

Guy: [French pronunciation] "Secretan!"

Teacher: "He’s very kindly agreed to teach you the rules."

Guy: "Yeah, I haven’t, "Kindly agreed," to do anything. I have to do it. It’s part of my community service, because I was a very naughty man."

Pupil One: "What did you do?"

Guy: "Your mum, and then I ate her. Next question?"

Teacher: "Dr.…" [Pronounced phonetically again] "…Secretan, I do have to file a report on your behaviour."

Guy: "No, no. That’s err…all part of the training. We err…what we Guyballer’s do, we insult the opponent. We call it, "Splicing the Matterhorn." So, let’s give it a go. We all err…insult each other." [Pause] "Come on!" [Points at the boy in the wheelchair.] "Come on Wheelie, you have a go!"

Pupil Two: "Cock spanker!"

Guy: "Cock spanker’s a bit weird."

Pupil Three: "Dickhead!"

Guy: "I’m a…you’re a dickhead!"

Pupil Four: "Wanker!"

Pupil Five: "I fucked your mum!"

Guy: "Yeah, alright that’s enough." [To Teacher] "Twat. Right let’s go."

[Later, Guy is going through a few rules. All the pupils are wearing their topmilers. One pupil is lying on the ground and Guy, standing upright, is pushing her jaw with his foot.] "Right, what’s this called?"

Pupil Six: "A Maison?"

Guy: "No! I already explained what a Maison is, Jesus!"

Pupil Seven: "A Emmental loop?"

Guy: "Am I in a crouching position?"

Pupil Seven: "No."

Guy: "Am I displaying a cleft mitten?"

Pupil Seven: "No."

Guy: "Then how the fucking hell can it be a Emmental loop?!"

Teacher: "It’s a classical heist?"

Guy: "Aah, no, no. It looks like a classical heist, but…" [Guy gets a furry dice out from his Topmiler.] "…but, when the topmiler is geometrically loaded it’s a…?"

Pupils: "Fat chalet."

Guy: "Fat chalet! Now we’re getting somewhere. Right…" [Guy picks up a ball and throws the dice away. French accent.] "…Come on!" [Guy pushes a pupil away and runs off. Soon, the game begins.] "All the blues over here." [All the people wearing blue Topmilers move to one side of the field.] "Right. You see that post over there? You’re going to run to that post. Are you ready? One, two, three, Go!" [Guy throws the ball in the air and the blues run, except for the one in the wheelchair. Guy runs back.] "What are you doing?" [Guy pushes him over. The Teacher attends to him. Guy runs around with the blue, pushing over the greens. He then carries some balls.] "Stickles are orthodox, and it’s a four-bounce ubique!" [As he runs towards the greens, he and the blues all shout into one of the greens ears.]

Joanna: "When my eyes are tired, I use eye drops. Is that a crime? Is it?"

Kim: "No it isn’t, but that’s liquid paper."

[Joanna sits up. Her eyes have gone almost totally white.]

Joanna: "I know."

[Kim leaves. When she is gone, Joanna puts her head in the fish tank to wash the liquid paper out.]

Guy: [To Caroline] "You’ve got paperclips stuck to your hand."

Caroline: "Have I?" [Caroline lifts up her left hand. There are paperclips stuck to it.] Oh, must be a full moon, my hand goes magnetic."

[Unwelcome arrival]

Caroline: "Stop it."

Mac: "What?"

Caroline: "That."

Mac: "What? I’m not doing anything, I’m just smiling."

Caroline: "I know."

Mac: "So you want me to stop?"

Caroline: "No."

Mac: "Well, I’ll carry on then."

[They both laugh.]

Caroline: "Do you erm…do you want to come round my gaff tonight?"

Mac: "Your gaff?"

Caroline: "That's not rude."

Mac: "I’m not coming if it’s not rude."

[Caroline and Mac are about to kiss when a female member of staff covers Mac’s eyes. It is Holly.]

Holly: "Guess who?"

[Mac removes her hands.]

Mac: [Unhappily] "Holly."

Holly: "Hi!" [Laughs] "So don’t I get a hello?"

Mac: "Hello."

Holly: [Laughs. Shakes hands with Caroline.] "Hi, I’m Holly."

Caroline: "I’m Caroline. You’re an old friend."

Holly: "Not that old. We were together for six years."

Caroline: "We were together for six seconds, and then you put your hands over his eyes."

Mac: "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Holly: "Yes you may, they are in fact real, and you of all people should know that."

Mac: "Yeah, the question is, "Why are you here?""

Holly: "Is it because, "Here is where I start work today?""

Mac: "You're joking."

Holly: "I know, isn’t it fantastic. It’s going to be just like old times."

Caroline: "No it isn’t. It won’t be like old times at all, probably."

Holly: "I’m just meaning that we will be working in the same hospital."

Caroline: "Well yes, but that will be the only similarity I should think."

Holly: "I tell you what, I don’t believe my luck, I just got off the plane from New York, and I was like keeping a lookout for a paediatric placement and then Angela rings me to say she’s leaving her job here, and I’m like, "Aah, brilliant timing, or what?""

Caroline: [Angrily] "What?"

Holly: "I’m really sorry, is there a problem?"

Mac: "Yes."

Caroline: "No."

Mac: "Oh well, going to have a lot of fun together?"

Holly: "Yeah, it’s going to be great. I see I made a fab new friend already."

Caroline: "Yeah, well we have to get off to theatre, me and Mac, don’t we."

Mac: "Yeah we do, yeah."

Holly: "OK, great, you know. Have a good time. I guess I should try to find where the locker rooms are. I think someone was going to show them to me."

Caroline: "Mac?"

Mac: "I’m just going to point her stupid nose in the right direction. I’ll see you in theatre." [To Holly] "This way."

Holly: "You used to love my stupid nose."

[Alan joins in an operation.]

Mac: "What are you doing here?"

Alan: "Well I just thought I would park myself in your space. Make sure there are no cardiac problems."

Caroline: "It’s quite a simple procedure actually."

Alan: "Oh is it, oh is it indeed Mrs. Todd? So…so…you would be prepare would you if something like…" [Put his hand in the body and rummages around.] "…this happened?" [Alan has accidentally pulled out the patient’s gall bladder.] "Oh dear, there seem to be some complications now, Mr. Blue-Peter-Boy."

Mac: "What did you just do?"

Caroline: "He just took the gall bladder."

Alan: "No I didn't."

Caroline: "Yes you did, it’s in your hand."

Alan: "No it isn't."

Mac: "Open your hand." [Alan opens his left hand, keeping his right behind his back.] "Open the other hand."

[Alan brings both hands up to his mouth, puts the gall bladder in his mouth and opens both hands.]

Caroline: "Are you eating the patient?"

Alan: [Mouth full] "No."

Caroline: "Dr. Statham has just eaten a gall bladder! Open you mouth!"

Mac: "Open your mouth!"

Caroline: "Open your mouth and spit it out!"

[Caroline puts her hand under Alan’s mouth. Alan however swallows the gall bladder.]

Alan: "All gone! Oh my God!" [Alan runs away, trying to vomit. Mac holds out a plastic cup for him to vomit into, which he does, and runs out. Guy returns after answering a phone call.]

Mac: "You will not believe what has just occurred."

Guy: "I know, Mongo’s prosthetic cock snapped off inside some bint, he was too embarrassed to tell her, so she went home with it. She’s still got it up her."

[edit]

Episode 5 [2.5]

[Acupuncture]

Jake: "So what I’m doing is stimulating the energy channels, by inserting very, very fine needles into…"

Joanna: "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" [Joanna sits up. She has needles all over her face.] "You're not sticking any needles in me."

Jake: "Well, they’re very fine."

[Joanna lifts up Jake’s hair band and tips over his face.]

Joanna: "Listen Alice, you insert anything in me, and I’ll sue."

Jake: [Hesitantly] "OK."

[Joanna leaves the office, unaware off all the needles in her face. Later, in the car park, Harriet opens her car doors and a large number of rather odd items fall out of it, including a blow-up globe. Harriet picks the globe up but drops it. Lyndon kicks it up and catches it.]

Lyndon: "Hey, off to the beach?"

Harriet: "No, Robbie is learning all about the world."

[Lyndon turns the globe around and sees the Australia has been scribbled out with a felt-tip pen.]

Lyndon: "Oh, what happened to Australia?"

Harriet: "Oh, Robbie bombed it, and Denmark."

Lyndon: "Oh. Let me give you a hand."

[Lyndon pulls out an ironing board.]

Harriet: "I do I little bit of ironing when the traffic’s slow. Err…the boot."

Lyndon: "Right."

[Lyndon tries to fit it into the boot of the car, when Joanna, still with the needles in her face, comes up to him.]

Joanna: "You’re lucky day? My sex-drive has been rebooted and I’m willing to give you a second bite of my cherry. What d’you say?"

Lyndon: "What?"

Joanna: "How about a rendezvous, soir, in the bar?"

Lyndon: "Actually…I’m really sorry Joanna, but I’m meeting someone tonight."

Joanna: "Anyone I know?"

Harriet: "Oh hello."

Lyndon: "Yes, Harriet and I are going out tonight."

Harriet: "We are?"

Joanna: "You’re going out with the swollen piglet?"

Harriet: "Yeah"

Lyndon: "Yeah. I am"

[Joanna takes the globe off Harriet.]

Joanna: "Careful she doesn’t burst!" [Joanna throws it back at Harriet’s head and then walks off. When she returns to her office, she sees the needles, and starts pulling them out.] "Bastard! Bastard!"

[Rachel enters the HR office carrying a pile of woman’s magazines.]

Rachel: "Magazines!"

[She hands them out to Kim and Karen, and then they all open them up and sniff the pages.]

Kim: "Heaven."

Karen: [Disgusted] "Eugh…I sniffed Wayne Rooney."

[Joanna enters the HR office, and walks to Harriet’s desk, which has the blow-up globe and a pile of about ten boxes stack on top of each out. She has still got one needle stuck in her chin.]

Harriet: "Oh, erm…I had hoped to get away reasonably early tonight. I’ve got a sort of date."

Joanna: "No you’re not, you’ve got all this lot to do."

Harriet: "Well, I think some of the girls could help, to be honest."

Joanna: "Are you slacking, Harriet?"

Harriet: "No."

Joanna: "If you’re slacking I might have to let you go."

Harriet: [Pointing to her own chin.] "Err…you missed one."

[Joanna looks down, sees it, punches the blow-up globe, then stamps on it and throws it into Harriet’s face.]

[Martin using a prostitute’s (Suzie's) phone.]

Martin: "Hand relief? Well she can’t do it at the moment."

Suzie: "Oh, how long do you reckon it will take to sort out me shoulder?"

Martin: "About an hour."

Suzie: "Tell him 25."

Martin: "Right." [To telephone] "She’ll do it 25 times."

Suzie: "25 quid you tosser!"

Martin: "25 quid you tosser! Yeah well, takes one to know one. No, you’re a tosser. You’re the tosser."

[Guy the Brave]

Guy: "He’s not as brave as I am?"

Holly: "Oh dear, I think I am going to ask you to look up, "Brave," in the dictionary."

Guy: "Do you want me to show you how brave I am?"

Holly: "Yes, do you know, I think I would."

Guy: "Tell you what then, yeah, OK, I’ll put my hand in this toaster and turn it on."

Holly: "You see, you wouldn’t do that. You’re all mouth and no trousers."

Guy: "Excuse me, I’m all hand and trousers. You want me to do it?"

Holly: "Well, shall I turn it on, do I turn it on there?"

[Holly turns on the toaster.]

Guy: "You want me to do it?"

Holly: "Yeah." [Guy sticks is hand in the toaster.] "Yeah stick it in."

Guy: "In it goes."

Holly: "Turn it on."

Guy: [Turns toaster on] "Right."

Holly: "Cook it."

Guy: "See how brave I am." [Whimpers]

Holly: "You’re whimpering."

Guy: [Whimpering] "I’m not whimpering."

Holly: "You are, you’re whimpering."

Guy: "I’m not whimpering. Mac wouldn’t do that."

[Smoke starts to come out of the toaster.]

Holly: "Perfectly right. I think that if Mac knew, that if that toaster had been broken for a whole week, that he’d check that maintenance hadn't just come around to fix it before he stuck his hand in." [Guy takes his hand out of toaster, covered in red lines where it has burned him, screaming. He runs it under some cold water.] "You are such a catch."

Guy: "Jesus!" [Guy covers his hand with flour and orange juice to cool it down.]

[Karen walks up the corridor, towards Mac and Martin.]

Mac: "So Martin, still with Karen?"

Martin: "Yeah, absolutely, we’re in love."

Mac: "Wow."

Martin: "Yeah, love, love, love is brilliant. Ah brilliant, love. It’s the best thing, romance."

Karen: "You’re dumped Dr. Dear. I’m not sharing you with a prostitute." [Karen slaps Martin across the face and leaves.]

Martin: "Ow!"

Mac: "Ow."

Martin: "Yeah well, actually that’s a relief. Cut free from the old ball and chain. Literally, because her name is Karen Ball, and she’s got a chain. Although she never chained me up, no way."

Guy: "Can you get a verruca on your penis?"

Caroline: "I can’t, can you?"

Mac: "Never tried, pretty good at most parlour games though."

Guy: "A friend of mine fell knob first into a swimming pool, he was wondering, that’s all. I’m not interrupting anything am I?"

[Caroline leaves]

Mac: "Just the evolution of mankind."

Guy: "I did get that big boil on my nuts that once, thought I got three testicles."

[Hello Mackenzie]

Holly: "Oh hi."

Mac: "Hi."

Holly: "OK, brilliant. This is like majorly awful. It’s just that I really didn’t want it to happen like this."

Mac: "What to happen like what?"

Holly: "I think I’ll have to explain."

Mac: "I think you have to because I have actually no idea what we’re talking about."

[Holly’s friend takes out a four-year-old boy from the car, wearing a hoodie and a baseball cap.]

Holly: "This is my little boy."

Mac: "Right. Define, "Little boy.""

Holly: "Small, male, human being."

Mac: "My…"

Holly: "This is my son."

Mac: "Remind me what you said, "A child is a spanner in the works.""

Holly: "I think I might have been wrong about that." [To boy.] "Hey, what are you doing, with your hood and your baseball cap on?" [Holly takes them off, showing the boy’s hair to be exactly like Mac’s. There is no doubt that he is his son.] "There, that’s much better isn’t it?"

Mac: "Does he remind you…?"

Holly: "He does actually. There’s possibly a very good explanation for that."

Mac: "Do you think that we ought to have a little chat?"

Holly: "OK."

[Mac bends down to the boy.]

Mac: "Nice hair. So you are?"

Holly: "Mackenzie."

Mac: [Shaking hands] "Mackenzie." [They look at each other.]

[In Mac’s flat, Caroline has broken in, wearing a sexy nighty, and lighting candles. Caroline hears the door being unlocked. She tries to sit on Mac's pool table but it is too high. Mac enters and stops in his tracks.]

Caroline: "Hello."

Mac: "Whoa! Yeah, right, prefect timing."

Caroline: "Thank you."

[Holly and Mackenzie enter.]

Holly: "Caroline?"

Caroline: "Oh my God!"

[Caroline runs away and hides behind Mac’s sofa.]

Holly: "Nice nightie."

Caroline: "It’s not a nightie, it’s a dress. I always wear dresses like this when I’m off duty."

Holly: "Suits you."

Caroline: "Thank you."

Holly: "Right Mac, maybe we should go."

Caroline: "No it’s fine, I was just…erm…returning Mac’s keys, you left them at work. Here they are."

[Caroline gives Mac a set of keys.]

Mac: "Thanks very much, I didn’t know I lost them."

Mackenzie: "Who's the lady in that slutty dress."

Holly: "Mackenzie! How did you learn a word like that."

Caroline: "And this is?"

Holly: "My son. Mac’s son. Well, our son."

Mac: "Shit."

Holly: "Right Mackenzie, why not go and see if daddy has got a collection of Evil Kneival’s in the bedroom, it’s just thought there, go on." [Mackenzie leaves] "I know, I know, I’ve handled this really badly."

[Caroline starts to leave.]

Mac: "You don’t have to leave, you don’t have to leave. Holly’s just come to explain…"

Caroline: "But you two have to talk, and I’m also late for dinner, with my uncle."

Holly: "You eat with your uncle dressed like that?"

Caroline: "Naturally, naturally." [Starts to leave.]

Mac: "Caroline! Caroline!"

[Mac offers his leather jacket.]

Caroline: "No thank you, I’ll be fine."

Mac: "Sorry, we’ll talk about this tomorrow. I don’t know what to say. Really like the nighty though."

Caroline: "Dress!"

Holly: "Bye Caroline."

Caroline: "Bye."

[Holly gabs hold of a bottle of wine.]

Holly: "Mac, have you got a bottle opener?"

Caroline: "Bye!" [Caroline leaves]

[Caroline and Guy play poker and drinking whisky. Guy is smoking a cigar.]

Guy: "I can’t believe the ginger floor mop has got a son. I’m not surprised she’s kept it quiet. I’d be ashamed."

Caroline: "Guy, you swore you wouldn’t mention it again. I’m sure she’s got reasons and we’ll find out in due course."

[The telephone rings and Guy answers.]

Guy: "Hello. No she’s not available at the moment."

Caroline: "Who is it?"

Guy: "Yeah. Ha, ha. Hold on a sec. It’s Trisha from the petting zoo. She can get you a pig for 50 quid. She’ll need straight back after the photos and she’s not happy about it being in a lift."

Caroline: [Takes telephone] "Will you stop pestering me, you bad nuisance caller!" [Hangs up.] "Oh, the imaginations of some of these people. Right, OK we’re playing this hand. I think you’re bluffing. But I haven’t got any more money, so you’ll have to lend me some."

Guy: "Doesn’t have to be money."

Caroline: "Well I haven’t got anything else…Err…my toaster?"

Guy: "No!"

Caroline: "I’ll drive you into work for a week."

Guy: "No."

Caroline: "Well, what then?"

Guy: "A kiss?"

Caroline: "I fold."

Guy: "Your choice."

Caroline: "You’re bluffing."

Guy: "Yep, I am, yeah."

Caroline: "What sort of kiss?"

Guy: "Just a kiss."

Caroline: "Not a snog?"

Guy: "No, just a kiss."

Caroline: "OK, I’ll see you for a kiss."

Guy: "Well read these, and weep quite a lot." [Guy puts his cards down.]

Caroline: "A full house?"

Guy: "Yes, that’s right baby, an entirely replete fixed abode."

Caroline: "Fuck, you weren’t bluffing."

Guy: "I never do, or do I?"

[Caroline puts her cards down.]

Caroline: "Three jokers…"

Guy: "Jacks."

Caroline: "…Jacks, four of clubs, and the hanged man."

Guy: "Aah, another tarot... Caro. Right, well hard cheese, because you are now rather poor and you owe me a kiss."

Caroline: [Sighs] “Get it over with then." [Points at him] "Not a snog! A kiss."

[Guy does snog Caroline, but she doesn’t seem to mind. After they finish, Caroline snogs Guy, and they both fall to the floor. Guy gives the thumbs up to the camera as they kiss.]

[edit]

Episode 6 [2.6]

Guy: "Well, well, well. Look at you." [Mac and Holly come down a corridor towards him and Caroline.] “I’m Mr. Right as you’re looking for me.”

Caroline: "Yeah, got an ID?"

Guy: “No, you’ll just have to take my word for it.”

[Caroline sees Mac and Holly.]

Caroline: “Kiss Me.”

Guy: "What?"

Caroline: “Don’t ask me questions, just kiss me quick.”

Guy: “Wow, I didn’t expect that line to work.” [Guy kisses Caroline as Mac and Holly near them. Caroline tries to see Mac’s reaction but Guy turns her head towards him. Holly walks off. Guy then opens Caroline’s mouth wide-open and sticks his tongue down it. Guy stops when he sees Mac watching. Mac then walks out.] “We’re you just using me to get back at Mac?”

Caroline: "Yeah."

[Caroline wipes herself with Guy’s tie.]

Guy: “It’s not nice, being used, is it?”

Caroline: "Sorry."

Guy: “No, it’s all right. Just never been on the receiving end before. Look, if you really want to use me…”

Caroline: “Yeah, I’m all right thanks.”

[Caroline walks away, and Guy seems pleased with himself.]

Sue: “I am one angry lady.”

Holly: “Nothing to do with me I hope.”

Sue: “Did I or did I not warn you when you arrived here, you were not to bring personal issues into our close-net, working environment?”

Holly: “I don’t see what I’ve done wrong. I happen to have a child.” [Sue presses a button on her desk and a horn is turned on.] “I have a child.” [Horn] “Sorry, what is that?”

Sue: “Well, just to make things easier for you, I’m highlighting the issues I have a problem with. Carry on.”

Holly: “I’ve spoken to Dr. Macartney.” [Horn] “He’s listened to what I have to say.” [Horn] “And I have to say, he’s being extremely sympathetic.” [Horn pressed twice.]

Sue: “Are you getting the hang of it now?”

Holly: “Look, whether you like it or not, we had a long relationship.” [Horn] “And I think he is entitled to an opinion, seeing as he is the father of my child.” [Horn pressed around twenty times.] “Oh, you’ve finished.” [Horn pressed around five times] “Look, I work here.” [Horn] “I’m a woman.” [Horn] “The world is round. Birds fly due south in winter. The capital of Latvia is Riga. Salmon return to their native rivers to spawn.” [Horn] “Oh come on, what was wrong with that?”

Sue: “You mentioned spawn.” [They stare at each other for a while.] “Right.”

[Sue gets out another button and presses it. An electronic sign on the wall lights up with a strolling message reading, “Fuck off.” Holly leaves.]

[Guy plays an electric keyboard whilst Caroline and Mac are working.]

Guy: “You’ve got a ginger child, that you floated out of your penis. Following the river of sperm down-stream, is it cream…”

Caroline: “Guy! Shhhh.”

Mac: “Here’s a phrase you’ve probably heard quite a few times in your life, “Could you put your pathetic little organ away?””

Guy: “I can’t because it’s a vital organ.”

[Guy presses a button and some music plays indicating it was a rather bad pun.]

Mac: “I should warn you that part my job description is to remove vital organs.”

Guy: “Doesn’t it bother you that your son’s a bastard?”

Mac: “Does it bother you that you’re a bastard?”

Guy: “Well, my parents were victims of circumstance.”

Mac: “We’re not even talking about your parents.”

Guy: “You know, if I were Holly’s father, I’d have a shotgun and have you walking down that aisle, quicker than you can say, “Here comes the bride.”” [Guy plays the first few notes of, “Here comes the bride,” on the keyboard.] “Fifty inches wide.”

Mac: “I wouldn’t want to talk about that with the present company.”

Guy: “Why?” [Looks under the keyboard at the patient.] “He can't hear a thing, he's had loads.”

Caroline: “No it’s fine, I’m interested. Do you think he’ll follow in his father’s footsteps?”

Guy: “Who, Mackenzie?”

Caroline: "Yeah."

Guy: “Why would he want to be a hippy tosspot?”

Caroline: “Medicine I mean.”

Guy: “Well, he’ll get bullied at school.”

Caroline: “For being a doctor?”

Guy: “No, for having a dad who looks like a King Charles spaniel.”

Mac: “Oh, I’ll tell your dad that you said that. As soon as we work out where he is.”

[Guy puts the keyboard on some form of automatic play mode and dances.]

Guy: [Sings] “Break it down now! Who’s you daddy? Ginger daddy? Mackenzie, gonna get the finger, cos his daddy, is so freaking ginger. Break it down now. Ha, ha.” [Stops singing] “Yeah. Did you like that ginger man?” [Guy plays some different music. He picks up a much larger keyboard that is playing the music.]

[Martin is having trouble with a computer when Lyndon arrives.]

Lyndon: “Hey, need a hand?”

Martin: “Yeah.” [Martin turns around and is shocked when he sees Lyndon.] “Whoa!”

Lyndon: “Sorry, didn’t me to frighten you.”

Martin: “It’s all right; it’s just sometimes, when black guys are next to me…”

Lyndon: "OK."

Martin: “Oh not in a racialist way, it’s just that I was born up in this really small town and there was only one black guy in the whole place…and he…Chas his name was, you don’t know him do you?”

Lyndon: "No."

Martin: “Black guy, green hair. Spiky green hair, so for ages I just used to think that black guys were just a kind of giant Muppet. I mean I’m all right now, I know it’s not entirely accurate.” [Lyndon leaves.]

[The Crown of Confidence.]

Caroline: “I can’t face him.”

Guy: “Macintosh, I know what you mean. He is tremendously ugly.” [Caroline starts to cry.] “No, oh no, please don’t cry. Oh don’t. There, there.” [Guy pats Caroline on the head half-heartedly.] “Good person.”

Caroline: [Crying] “Why does nothing go right for me?”

Guy: “Because…you’re cursed?”

Caroline: [Crying] “I can’t have one decent relationship, not one. I don’t own my own home, I hardly got any friends, and I’m a rubbish doctor.”

Guy: “That’s not true; you’re not a rubbish doctor.”

Caroline: [Crying] “I am. I am. I’m completely rubbish. I might as well sit here until I decompose.”

Guy: “Look, whenever I’m feeling down, or err…largely less splendid than usual, I try this [Guy opens one of his lockers. He takes out a cardboard box and opens it. He takes out a crown made out of silver paper, with a letter, “G,” and a Swiss flag on the front.] “The Crown of Confidence.” [He turns a little cross on the inside of the cross upward so it is visible. He puts it on.] “You see, I just put on my head and err…I say, “Guy Secretan, you are a king. You are a leader. You are the greatest human being who ever walked this planet!” Try it.”

[Guy puts the Crown of Confidence on Caroline’s head. She tries to stop crying.]

Caroline: “Caroline Todd, you are a queen. You are a leader. You are the greatest human being who ever walked this planet.”

Guy: "Yeah, good."

[Guy tries to take the Crown of Confidence back, but Caroline, now more cheerful stands up.]

Caroline: “You are ruler of land and sea. You are the most intelligent, vibrant, veracious human being in all Christendom. You’re voice is rich as molasses, and you’re skin glows with an ethereal…glow.” [Caroline stands on a chair or bench.] “And you are magnificent, and you are gorgeous.”

[Guy takes the Crown and Confidence, pushes Caroline away and stands where she was.]

Guy: “No you’re not, I am. I am, it’s my Crown. I am magnificent, and gorgeous, so bow down to me you serf.” [Caroline tries to get the Crown of Confidence back, but Guy runs away.] “My Crown!” [They run out of the room.]

Murat: "You Queen."

Karen: "No."

Murat: "Yes."

Karen: "No."

Murat: "Yes." [Murat lifts up Karen's hair.] "Brian May, Queen." [Air guitars and sings.] “I want to break free.”

[Karen walks away in disgust, then walks back, picks up Murat’s air guitar and throws it down to the ground. For some reason it makes a noise when it crashes.]

[Murder]

Joanna: “What the hell have you done?”

Alan: “My heron. My heron!”

[Joanna shuts the office door.]'

Alan: [Crying] “My heron! Oh God!”

Joanna: “Never mind your bloody heron, look at him!”

Alan: “It’s all right, he’s not real.”

Joanna: “He’s my cousin!”

Alan: “But he’s green!”

Joanna: [Wipes the makeup off.] “It’s makeup you idiot! He’s dead!”

Alan: “Self-defence. He leaped out on me and…aaaah! And he…did I…oh.”

Joanna: “I paid him to scare you.”

Alan: “You…you’re fault. Oh thank you, well done.”

Joanna: “It’s my fault he jumped out. You still beat his head in with a giant bird. We’ll have to bury him. Take him out into the country and bury him. We’ll need a saw, and gloves, and bin bags.”

Alan: “Throw him in the incinerator.”

Joanna: “Could you?” [Alan nods] “Without anyone noticing?”

Alan: "Yeah."

Joanna: “Fine.” [Later, at night, Joanna waits as Alan, in some sort of costume drags the body out of his office. It is too dark to tell what costume he is wearing, but he is wearing a hat with a large brim and a pair of riding breeches.] “Alan, Alan is that you?”

Alan: “Yes, here I am my sexy darling. I can smell your lady witness.”

[Joanna walks up to Alan. We now see he is dressed up as a Canadian Mountie.]

Joanna: “What the fuck are you wearing?”

Alan: “You said, “Come in disguise.””

Joanna: “I said, “Inconspicuous!””

Alan: “No, no, you defiantly said, “Disguise.””

Joanna: “I really didn’t.”

Alan: “Well, let’s have a look.” [Alan takes out a notebook and reads it.] “Yeah, “Disguise.””

Joanna: “You’ve kept notes! Tell me you haven’t written down what you’ve did to my cousin?”

Alan: "Not really."

[Joanna takes Alan’s notebook and reads it herself.]

Joanna: ““Damaged heron.” Somehow that’s worse.”

Alan: “Give it here.”

Joanna: “No, that’s going to the same place as my cousin.”

Alan: “Oh that’s terrific, where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas?”

Joanna: “On you knob end? You wouldn’t need a huge amount of space will you? Oh here’s a useful idea for you, don’t kill dwarfs with herons.”

Alan: “Well perhaps it would be a useful idea, not to hide dwarfs under people’s desks in future.”

[Alan and Joanna drag the body down the corridor.]

Joanna: “This wouldn’t have happened if didn’t go around everyone with your boring caption competition.”

Alan: “100% remember. 100%”

Joanna: “100% of shit.”

Alan: “50% each in the shit, if you don’t mind.”

Joanna': “100% I think, you did the beating.”

[The turn a corner, out of shot.]

Alan: [O. O. V.] “Yes well, you left…aaaah!”

[Caroline asks Guy her opinion on which dress to wear. She holds a dress in each hand. She is only wearing a bra on top.]

Caroline: “This one or this one?”

Guy: “Oh the left one.”

Caroline: [Holding up the dress in her left hand.] “This one?”

Guy: “Oh the tops, I thought you referring to…err…” [Guy points at Caroline’s breast.]

[The tamagotchi]

Caroline: “So, we’ve covered music, literature, unusual relatives, mostly yours.” [Jake laughs] “What about pets, pets, an elephant, a flamingo?”

Jake: “Actually, you know, I’ve brought one with me.”

Caroline: “A flamingo?”

Jake: “No, not a flamingo, no, no, no, look.” [Jake takes a tamagotchi out of his pocket.]

Caroline: "You're key ring."

Jake: “No, it’s a tamagotchi, look.”

Caroline: “They’re from what? 1987?”

Jake: “Kept her alive for 12 years. I can get about eight grand for her on eBay.”

Caroline: “Can I look?”

Jake: “Yes, absolutely. Just don’t touch any buttons.”

Caroline: “I promise. Oh God, it hates me.”

Jake: “No, she don’t, just wants feeding look.”

[Jake presses a button.]

Caroline: “Aah, look, it’s eating.” [Caroline then drops her tamagotchi accidentally into her glass of wine. Jake is speechless, and just looks open-mouthed.] “Oh.” [She fishes it out.] “There. Had a little bath. Now the towel.” [Caroline wipes it clean with a napkin, probably pressing several buttons.] “There, now shall we read it a bedtime story?”

Jake: “Ah, just one moment.” [Jake turns away lets out a silent scream.] “D’you know what, I’m going to have that second glass of wine.”

Caroline: “Oh, OK.” [Caroline pours Jake a glass.]

Jake: “Yeah, yummy.” [Jake downs it one go. Caroline offers some more.] “Oh yes, more please.” [Caroline pours some more out.] “Yeah.” [Jake downs it all again.]

[Guy looks out of his bedroom window and sees Caroline and Jake arriving. They stand outside the front gate.]

Jake: “Well, I had a fantastic evening.”

Caroline: "Me too."

[Guy looks out of the window again, and then hides.]

Jake: “Do you mind if I kissed you?”

Caroline: “Oh, never ask for a kiss, it makes you sound like lumpy need uncle.”

Jake: “I wasn’t trying to be rude.”

Caroline: No it doesn’t appear rude, it’s appearing passionate. Girls like passionate rudeness.” [Jake goes down for a kiss, but Caroline moves away.] “How dare you! I mean, what kind of girl do you think I am?”

Jake: “Passion, I was doing passionate.”

Caroline: “Joke, joke.”

Jake: “All right, that’s mean.”

Caroline: “Yeah, I won’t do that again.”

[Caroline and Jake kiss. Guy is taking out his Swiss army knife, attached to his key ring, and trying to find the knife blade. Guy finds it as they still kiss. When they stop, Guy throws the knife and it lands in Jake’s head.]

Jake: “Oh! Ow!”

[Guy hides.]

Caroline: “Are you all right?”

Jake: “Yeah, I’ve just got a pain in my head.”

[Guy looks then hides again.]

Caroline: “Yes it’s err…” [Blood pours out of the wound.] “Oh, you’ve got some keys in your head.”

Jake: “You know, that a profoundly strange feeling.”

Caroline: “I think we should get you to A&E.”

[Guy runs around the room celebrating.]

Jake: “I’ll do it, I’ll go, you should stay.”

Caroline: “No, I’m not going to leave you.”

Jake: “No, I’ll be fine. I should probably sort it out, yeah.”

[Guy is still celebrating.]

Caroline: "Oh, OK."

[They have a quick kiss.]

Jake: “I had fun though.”

Caroline: "Yeah."

[Guy is still celebrating as Caroline leads Jake to his car, holding onto his hand as he is now losing quite a lot of blood.]

Jake: “The stars are all out there.”

Caroline: “No, no stars. They're street lights. You’ll be OK.”

Jake: “They out, yeah, they’re all shivery.”

[Jake gets in the car and hits the knife on the car roof. He screams in pain and tightens his grip on Caroline’s hand.]

Caroline: “Oh, mind my fingers! OK, bye.” [Jake drives off. Caroline tries to open her front door.] “Guy! Guy! Guy!”

[A topless Guy leans out of the bedroom window.]

Guy: “What, what time is it?” [Later, Guy is outside, looked out, with Caroline leaning out of the window.] “Let me in please!”

Caroline: "What?"

Guy: "Let me in please."

Caroline: “Let yourself in.”

Guy: "I can't find my keys."

Caroline: [Mockingly] “Oh no, when did you last see them?”

Guy: “I think someone might have broken in and stolen them.”

Caroline: “Really? Oh well, I’d better call the police.”

Guy: “No need to bother them, just open the door. Hey!”

Caroline: "Night."

[Caroline shuts the window. Guy bangs on the door.]

Guy: “I’ll poo on the step! Come on!” [Bangs] “Wilma!”

[edit]

Episode 7 [2.7]

Boyce: “Morning Dr. Statham, it’s off to work we go we go then.”

Alan: “Do you mean, “Hi Ho?””

Boyce: “What?”

Alan: “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to work then is it?”

Boyce: “Oh like the song, yeah if you like.” [Sings] “Hi Ho, Hi Ho.””

Alan: “Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, a dwarf might hear you. What then?”

Boyce: “A dwarf?”

Alan: “Don’t say the word, though.”

Boyce: “You just said it, and I don’t think they’re many dwarfs around here.”

Alan: “No, exactly. Not because they’ve been killed, obliviously. They’re might have been though, so it’s lucky for you, your lucky day Mr. Boyce isn’t it?”

Boyce: “What, because I’m too tall to be a dwarf?”

Alan: “Where?”

[Boyce points upwards.]

Boyce: “Just up there?”

[Alan looks up and sees nothing.]

Alan: “No, not there, not in the sky.”

[The Ventriloquist’s Dummy]

[Martin talks to Sue, who is wearing a ventriloquist’s dummy. The dummy is writing down notes.]

Martin: “Right, I have enough money to get rid of my debts, right, and buy myself a nice jacket, but not enough to buy a castle.”

Sue: “Right, and do you want a castle?”

Martin: [Sniggers] “No.”

Sue: “What do you want then?”

Martin: “Well, I just want to be told, “What is the best way to spend my money?” So I don’t feel guilty once it’s all gone.”

Sue: “Well that’s…that’s…that is a tricky one.”

Martin: “I know.”

Sue: “Let me think…what to do? What to do?”

Dummy: “Give Sue White all the money.”

Martin: “What…what was that? What did you say?”

Sue: “I didn’t say anything. I was just, you know thinking.”

Martin: “Just thinking out aloud?”

Sue: “No, just thinking.”

Martin: “Oh right.”

Sue: “Just let me think.”

Dummy: “Give Sue White all the money. Go on give it to Sue, give it to Sue.”

[Martin takes a stapler and pretends it is a dummy.]

Martin: “No, I don’t want to give…”

Dummy: “Well fuck off then, you fucking stapler.”

[Martin leaves. Later, Sue is kissing the dummy.]

Sue: “Live damn you, live!”

Dummy: “Fuck off! Save yourself for Dr. Macartney.”

Sue: “Yeah, I know you right, you right but, Mac and Holly, what are going to do?”

Dummy: “Destroy her!”

Sue: “Yes good, how.”

Dummy: “Leave it to me.”

[Sue just sits waiting for something to happen. Later in the locker room, Sue enters the locker room and opens up Holly’s locker using some sort of master key.]

Sue: “You will regret beginning ever trying to mess with me Little Miss Holly Hawkes.” [Sue opens the locker, and takes out a large bag. She pulls out a small bag from the locker, smells it and throws it down to the floor. As the camera turns, the dummy is visible.] “Jesus! Mankey bitch!” [Sue rummages through the large bag, and then just empties it over the floor. She then sees something a picks it up. It is a large bottle of hair dye.] “Ahh! “Autumn Lace, covers even the darkest hair shades.”” [Sue continues to look in the bag. She finds a piece of paper and reads it, shocked. The dummy turns its own head around.]

Dummy: “Oh, you shouldn’t be snooping in Holly’s bag.”

Sue: “Shut it!”

Dummy: “You shouldn’t go snooping.”

[Sue slaps the dummy across the face. The dummy shouts in pain. Sue takes the dummy and locks it inside Holly’s locker. The dummy bangs on the locker door from the inside.]

Sue: “Yes, yes, that’s it you fucking pie-nut!”

[Sue takes the bottle and letter and leaves.]

Joanna: “What are we going to do?”

Alan: “Let’s wee on each other.”

Joanna: “No, no, no, really Alan.”

Alan: “Let’s have sex.”

Joanna: “We have to keep away from each other!”

Alan: “Let’s have sex separately.”

[The Point of it All]

Caroline: “Ever wonder why we do this?”

Mac: “Well, we could leave the gallstones in, but it does seem a waste of one of Guy’s sleeping potions.”

Guy: “Sleeping potions. Bummy, scrawny, pasty little men.”

Caroline: “Yeah but is what we do really worth while?”

Mac: “Well technically yes.”

Caroline: “No, I mean does what we do really make a difference?”

Guy: “Want to try it blindfolded? More of a challenge.”

Mac: “I can personally vouch for the fact that more people leave this room alive than they do dead. There are the people who will pay the accounting staff.”

Caroline: “That help sleep at night.”

Mac: “No, that’s what booze and sex are for.”

Guy: “And wanking.”

Mac: “Which is why you can’t come around anymore.”

[Guy takes out a folded up piece of paper with four coloured spots on it, and sticks his fingers up each corner.]

Guy: “Pick a colour.”

Caroline: “Pink.”

[Guy opens and closes the paper four times.]

Guy: “Pick a number.”

Caroline: “What did you do just then?”

Guy: “Pick a number!”

Caroline: “Three.”

[Guy opens and closes the paper four times.]

Guy: “Pick another number.”

Caroline: “Two.”

[Guy opens and closes the paper twice and unfolds it.]

Guy: [Reads] ““Shave off all your bodily hair.””

Caroline: “Who wrote this?”

Guy: “Me.” [To Mac] “Mac, you didn’t get that because you don’t have any bodily hair.”

Caroline: “Neither do you.”

Guy: “I have got a lot of bodily hair actually.”

Mac: “Enough for all of us, and half of the entire Greek population.”

[Alan recovers after Boyce gives him the kiss of life.]

Alan: “Thank God! What have you been eating?”

Boyce: “Kim.”

[Harriet, Rachel, Karen and Kim are all eating cream doughnuts. They have cream all over their faces, and Rachel has some on the top of her breasts. Oliver arrives.]

Rachel: “Lovely. OK Ollie, we’re ready for you.” [Oliver licks the cream off. Rachel points to the bit on her breasts.] “Oh you missed a bit.” [Oliver licks the rest off.]

Oliver: “Hmm…”

Rachel: “Hmm, ta.”

[Karen, Kim and Rachel all group together, but Oliver seems more reluctant.]

[Caroline and Jake are talking. Jake is not wearing his spectacles, but is instead wearing a Topmiler. Guy walks in and sees him.]

Guy: “What are you doing?”

Caroline: “I’ve got something in my tooth.”

Guy: “Not you, you!”

Jake: “Oh, this is my Topmiler.”

Guy: – “Well duh! Do you play Guyball?”

Jake: “I haven’t for a couple of years, ever since I got a neck injury of Markus Geisler.”

Caroline: “He’s the big Austrian.”

Guy: “I know who he is!”

Jake: “Do you play?”

Guy: “Well, I’m Guy Secretan. The Guy Secretan. I am to Guyball what William Webb-Elles is to wugby…rugby! So err…what’s you settle rate?”

Jake: “My settle-rate is 37.”

[Guy looks impressed and worried as Jake puts on his goggles.]

Guy: “37.”

Jake: “But that’s with alternate stickles, and it was a few years back.”

Guy: “That’s very good.”

Caroline: – “What’s yours?”

Guy: “I…err…it’s not a competition.”

Jake: “Well technically speaking, it is a competition.”

Guy: “I can’t remember. I did a lot of block-fisting last year.”

Jake: “I’m pretty sure that you and I will meet across a parish one day soon.”

Guy: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure too, we’ll meet. One shoulder’s a bit lower than the other at the moment.”

Jake: “Yeah, I noticed that.” [Guy starts to leave.] “I feel so good.”

Caroline: “Yeah, so good.”

[Guy leaves. Caroline starts to laugh out loud.]

Jake: “Was that all right? I think I nearly said, “Sticklebacks,” instead of, “Stickles?””

Caroline: “You were superb!”

Jake: “Really? I don’t know, I feel a bit. I think I upset him.”

Caroline: “But that’s, that’s…”

Jake: “That’s what?”

Caroline: “Never mind.”

[Guy rushes in and tries to throw a ball into the Topmiler, but Jake moves out of the way. Guy tries to throw a football in, but Jake avoids it again. Guy tries another football, but again misses.]

Jake: “You know what that is?”

Caroline: “What?”

[Guy tries to throw in a toaster, but it is plugged in and he gives up.]

Jake: “One, two, three. Stickle-sense. It never leaves you.”

[Sue is being pushed on a large trolley, blowing a whistle.]

Sue: [Whistles] “Attention! It’s not his baby!” [Whistles] “Attention! Ach-Tung! It’s not his baby, but mine is!” [Sue gets off the trolley and whistles.] “Attention! Ach-Tung! It’s not his baby, but mine is! [Sue whistles. Caroline is in the room.] “Attention! It’s not his baby, but mine is!” [Sue whistles and Caroline stops her.]

Caroline: “What are you doing?”

Sue: “None of your beeswax, it’s on a need-to-know basis.”

[Sue walks away, but Caroline stops her, and holds her up against the wall by her throat.]

Caroline: “Speak or I’ll ram this whistle down your oesophagus, so help me God.”

Sue: [Unclear] “It’s not his…” [Gibberish]

Caroline: “What?”

[Caroline lets Sue go.]

Sue: [Unclear] “It’s not his…” [Gibberish] “…Holly…” [Gibberish] “…tory.”

Caroline: “What?”

Sue: [Unclear] “It’s not his…” [Gibberish] “…Holly’s…” [Caroline thumps Sue on the chest and her voice returns to normal.] “It’s not his, Holly’s kid, she lied, dyed her hair, she’s history.”

Caroline: “Seriously?”

Sue: “Yeah man, and it was all me that found out. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo. Ber, ber, ber, ber…”

[Caroline kisses Sue on the mouth, runs around, and jumps up and down celebrating.]

Caroline: “Did you ever get the feeling that maybe weren’t supposed to get together?”

Mac: “No, I would you say that?”

Caroline: “Oh, you know. The coma, the memory loss, Holly, it just seems like destiny is aginus.”

Mac: ““Aginus?””

Caroline: “It’s like, “Against,” only just a bit more olderer.”

[Caroline and Mac are about to kiss, when a saw pops up through the table and cuts a circular hole. Sue jumps out.]

Sue: “Yeah, I’m here! Sorry I’m late. First of all, I’ve got a peté un môn announcément to make. Ladies and gentlemen…” [Sue does a little drum roll.] “…I am pregnant! Oh yes, that’s right. Heavy, heavy with child. And the best bit is, it’s…” [Points at Mac.] “…yours!”

Caroline: – “Mine?”

Sue: “No, it’s Dr. Macartney’s!”

Guy: – “Yes!”

Caroline: “Oh for fuck’s sake!”

[Caroline starts to leave.]

Mac: “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!”

Caroline: “Shall we try this again tomorrow? Thanks Boycie.”

Boyce: “Yeah, see you.”

[Caroline gives Boyce a quick kiss. Guy starts to leave as well.]

Sue: “Oh dear, I didn’t mean to split up the happy couple.”

Caroline: “We’re not a couple! That would be far too simple.”

[Caroline leaves.]

Guy: “They’re not a couple.”

[Guy leaves.]

Mac: “You’re not pregnant.”

Sue: “Really?”

[Sue opens her jacket to show a plastic doll baby. Martin tries to touch it but Sue hisses in anger and he backs off.]

[edit]

Episode 8 [2.8]

[Guy writes, “I love you,” on Caroline’s steamed-up mirror.]

Guy: “I nearly there.” [Opens door and Caroline enters.] “It’s all yours.”

Caroline: “Bloody time.”

Guy: “Do you want to…”

Caroline: “What?”

Guy: “You want to put some makeup on.”

Caroline: [Sarcastically] “Oh thanks; I’ll take that as a complement.”

Guy: “No, no, no. I mean you look great but…” [Caroline takes a towel and wipes the mirror without reading the message.] “No!”

Caroline: “What?”

Guy: “You spoilt it.”

Caroline: [Brushing her teeth] “Spoilt what?”

Guy: “The mirror, I written in it.”

Caroline: “Really.”

Guy: “Yes.”

Caroline: “Wrote what?”

Guy: “It doesn’t matter now, but if you must know it was, “I love you.””

[Caroline stops brushing her teeth.]

Caroline: “You bloody narcissus! Now get out!”

Guy: “Are you going to see, “Ginger nuts,” today?”

Caroline: “We work with, “Ginger nuts,” of course I’ll see him.”

Guy: “I know, but can’t we just go to a different hospital?”

Caroline: “What do you mean?”

Guy: “You know, just you and me, doing our stuff.” [Guy tries to touch Caroline, but she moves away.] “Go somewhere else.”

Caroline: “No, go away!”

Guy: “Let me brush your teeth.”

Caroline: “No! Get out!”

[Caroline pushes Guy out of the bathroom and starts to brush her teeth. Guy walks back in.]

Guy: “I’ll do the top, and you’ll do the bottom.”

[Mac gives Sue a piece of paper.]

Mac: “For you.”

[Sue reads it]

Sue: “A restraining order? But why Mac, why?”

Mac: “Because life is too short. Read it, learn it by heart, never bother me again.”

[Mac walks away and Sue follows.]

Sue: “What about if I do it, but if I don’t actually touch you?”

Mac: “No, no, no!”

Sue: “What if I spoke in Portuguese?”

[Sue starts speaking in Portuguese.]

Mac: “No, not in any language, ever.”

[Mac starts to walk off again, but Sue stops him again.]

Sue: “I could sniff you intoxicating trouser fragrance.”

[Sue kneels down in front of his groan.]

Mac: “That would make you sound like an ink-jet printer. Go away, or go to jail.”

[Mac leaves Sue on her own.]

Sue: [Wailing] “But what about the wee bairn?”

[Harriet enters the office wearing about five layers of clothes.]

Rachel: – “Harriet, what the fuck?”

Harriet: – [Crying] “Ian found out about Lyndon and threw me out, he told me to take what I needed and leave, and I couldn’t find a suitcase. It’s very hot in here.”

[Guy and Mac are playing with yo-yos as they walk down the corridor.]

Guy: “I love when patients give you things.”

Mac: “Apart from venereal diseases.”

Guy: “Yeah.”

Mac: “You know he’s on his last legs.”

Guy: “Who, “Yo-yo man?””

Mac: “Well, I’m assuming he had a real name.”

Guy: “Yeah, but you can’t remember what it is.”

Mac: “Can you?”

Guy: “Well no, but you’re the moral one, so it’s worse that you can’t remember.”

[Martin comes down the other end of the corridor, also playing with a yo-yo.]

Martin: “You know, “Yo-yo man,” died.”

Guy: “Yeah, he had a name actually.”

Martin: “I can’t remember what it was.”

Mac: “Yeah, nether can we.”

Martin: “You know the last thing he said to me was, “Don’t die alone like me, in a place like this. Find someone you love. Ask them to marry you. Raise children together, and live a rich and full, happy life.”” [All three stop playing with their yo-yos.] “I don’t get it.” [Martin plays on, doing tricks with his yo-yo, and failing. Guy and Mac walk around him, and realise the meaning of his words.] “Walk the dog, catch the monkey, chase the rabbit, open fridge, rearrange the kitchen.”

Mac: “Wise words.”

Guy: “Yeah, good old, “Yo-yo man.””

[Guy and Mac walk away, whilst Martin still does his tricks.]

Martin: “Stroke the beaver, smell the witch…” [He brings his yo-yo up to his nose and smells it.] “…oh count the ants.” [Martin looks around and sees he is alone.]

[Commitment]

Mac: – “All I’m saying is that you’ll never be a one woman man.”

Guy: – “That’s rubbish, I am.”

Mac: – “Are you?”

Guy: – “Yeah.”

Mac: – “What about that new blonde girl in ENT, nice or what?”

Guy: – “Not interested.”

[Caroline looks at Guy in amazement.]

Mac: “Not interested?”

Guy: “No. No, I’ve changed.”

Mac: “Oh great. What about Graham in dermatology?”

Guy: “Changed as in, “I think I’m ready for commitment.””

Mac: “Fantastic. I’ll sign your commitment papers for you today.”

Guy: “Commitment with a woman.”

Mac: “Aah.”

Guy: “I can see myself with about a dozen children.”

Mac: “That’s illegal ain’t it?”

Caroline: “Mac!”

Mac: “What would you do with a dozen children?”

Guy: “I’d teach them Guyball.”

Caroline: “I’d buy them a train set.”

Mac: “A train set?”

Caroline: “I love train sets.”

Mac: “Ah! You love train sets. They’re supposed to be for children.”

Caroline: “Well, I was never allowed one, so…”

Guy: “Yes, there’s nothing wrong in wanting a train set. That’s a very good quality in a wife…woman…doctor.”

[Caroline and Mac both look at him.]

Mac: “If you’re looking for a wife/woman/doctor…”

Caroline: “Aren’t you looking for a wife/woman/doctor?”

Mac: “Well I haven’t placed an advert in, “Wife/Woman/Doctor Weekly,” this week.”

Caroline: “Which week will you put an advert in then?”

Guy: “Maybe he will never put an ad in.”

Caroline: “Is that true?”

Mac: “Well it depends doesn’t it. I mean it’s difficult to say when you’re placing an ad in. You get your hopes up, and then the person who answers the ad can let you down, then suddenly you’re back to were you started. I think you need to be very sure before you place the ad.”

Caroline: “Suppose you’re ready, waiting for the ad, from a specific person. Do you go on waiting for that ad, or do you go for another ad? You know, the type with a typo in it or something?”

[Guy looks apprehensive.]

Mac: “I think you have to know exactly what you want.”

Caroline: “I see.”

Guy: “What d’you mean by, “Typo?” exactly?”

Caroline: “Err, I’m not sure.”

[Martin’s proposal]

[Caroline is in the canteen when Karen, Kim and Rachel come in cheering, wearing cheerleader costumes and waving pompoms.]

Karen, Kim and Rachel: “2, 4, 6, 8, we’ve got a message from you mate. Give us an, “M!””

[Caroline ignores them.]

Rachel: “Excuse me.”

[Caroline turns around.]

Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us an, “M!””

Caroline: [Long pause] “Err…M.”

Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us an, “A!””

Caroline: “A.”

Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us an…”

Caroline: “Is it a, “C?””

Rachel: “It’s an, “R.””

Caroline: “Oh, err…R.”

Karen, Kim and Rachel: “Give us a, “T!” “I!” “N!”

Caroline: [Sighs] “Martin.”

Karen, Kim and Rachel: “YEAH!” [Martin runs from behind, and stands on top of Rachel and Kim.] “Marry him! Marry him! Marry him! Marry him! Marry him!”

Martin: “Marry me.”

Caroline: [Long pause] “Sorry Martin.”

[Rachel and Karen move and Martin drops down to the ground.]

Karen: “She said, “No.””

Karen, Kim and Rachel: “She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!” She said, “No!””

[Karen, Kim and Rachel leave. Martin looks around, and looks at Caroline.]

Martin: [Cheerfully] “Yeah!” [Martin runs off. Later, he pays Karen, Kim and Rachel for their work.]

[Guy’s proposal]

Caroline: “Hi.”

Guy: “Hi.”

Caroline: “I wanted to talk to you about earlier.”

Guy: “Who?”

Caroline: “You know, as in, “Earlier on today, when you wrote, “I love you,” on the mirror.” You know, when you wrote, “I love you,” on the mirror. Well, someone who looked and sounded just like you did. It was meant for me wasn’t it?” [Guy does not respond] “Right.” [Caroline walks away, but come back.] “It’s a shame because I realise that I didn’t take the person seriously at the time, and I want to thank them.”

Guy: “Thank them?”

Caroline “Yeah, I err, I, I, I liked it. I liked it that they wrote that. I like…them. But you know.”

[Caroline turns to leave, but Guy stops her.]

Guy: “Marry me.”

Caroline: “What?”

Guy: “Marry me.”

Caroline: “Is this for some sort of bet?”

Guy: “No, no, no. This is me. Here and now, asking you to marry me. Marry me.”

[Caroline and Guy kiss.]

Caroline: “Oh my God.”

Guy: “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

Caroline: “I’m sure you do.”

Guy: “Please, don’t say, “No.” “Say, “Maybe,” say, “You’ll think about it,” but don’t say, “No.””

Caroline: “OK.”

Guy: “OK, you’ll think about it?”

Caroline: “I’ll think about it.”

Guy: “Really?!”

Caroline: “Really. Kiss me again while I think about it.” [Guy kissed Caroline again. He lifts her on to the table.] “You are really good at that.”

Guy: “I practice a lot. Of course, if you say, “Yes,” I’ll just practice on you.” [Pause] “Too much.”

Caroline: “A bit.”

Guy: “Yeah, sorry.”

[Caroline gets of the table she starts to leave.]

Guy: “He’ll never do that. He never sees anything through. You’ll be waiting forever. And he kisses like a newt.” [Caroline leaves.] “I’m told.”

Karen: “I though I saw a Clanger.”

Harriet: “Oh Jesus!” [Harriet hugs Rachel for protection.] “A what?”

Karen: “A Clanger!”

Harriet: “Oh, I thought you said, “Shark.””

[An Important Question]

Guy: “Are you all right with the fact that we kissed?”

Mac: “We never kissed.”

Guy: “No, me and Caroline.”

Mac: “Fine, yeah. Are you all right with what she said?”

Guy: “Yeah fine, it’s all a bit vague really.”

Mac: ““I feel absolutely nothing for Guy.” That was vague was it?”

Guy: “Oh that bit, well she was trying to spare your feelings. You know, we all work together, she had to be diplomatic.”

Mac: “True. So if I just went for it one day, and say I said, I asked her to marry me or something, she would just turn me down flat, would she?”

Guy: “Well, I know you, wouldn’t do that.”

Mac: “Wouldn’t I?” [Caroline enters.] “Dr. Todd, hello. So, erm…I was wondering if I could ask you something?”

Guy: [Shouting] “No you can’t!”

Caroline: “What do you mean?”

Guy: “What? What? What do you mean, what do I mean? Oh sorry, you carry on.”

Mac: “Fine, do you think that…”

Guy: [Shouting] “No, wait!” [Claming down] “Just, all right, go on.” [Whispers to Caroline] “Be careful.”

[Mac tries to speak, but Guy shouts out gibberish before he can speak. He tries again, but Guy does it again. It happens a third time. Mac points at the tray and Caroline take a plastic cup, and covers Guy’s mouth.]

Mac: “Would you consider an arterial incision to be worth the risk in this case?”

Caroline: “I don’t think I would, no.”

[Caroline takes the cup away.]

Guy: “She said no! Boo-yah!”

Caroline: “Although I certainly appreciate Dr. Macartney taking a moment to respect my professional opinion.”

Guy: [Sings] “No, no, no, no, no, no.”

[Mac’s proposal]

[Caroline is eating a bag of Hula Hoops when Mac sees her.]

Mac: “Hi.”

Caroline: “Hi.”

Mac: “Hi, I wanted to err…to ask you something.”

Caroline: “Did you?”

Mac: “Yeah. Yeah, well you know. That’s why I’m here saying, “I want to ask you something.””

Caroline: “Yeah, what do you want?”

Mac: “Erm…you.”

Caroline: “Well, you’ve come to the right place, cos here I am.”

Mac: “Yeah. No. I erm…I want you.”

Caroline: “Oh.” [Caroline realises what Mac means.] “Oh.”

Mac: “Yeah. Erm…OK. Not really sure how this is gonna come out, so erm…it’s a little tricky, but erm…Caroline…”

Caroline: “Wait, wait! Are you, are you about to propose to me?”

Mac: “…erm…”

Caroline: “Only it will be my third today.”

Mac: “Oh great. Quite day?”

Caroline: “Yeah.”

Mac: “So, what did you say to these proposals?”

Caroline: “Yes, no and maybe.”

Mac: “Right. So what would I be? Yes, no or maybe?”

Caroline: “Oh, you’re the yes.”

Mac: “Of course you realise that I didn’t actually propose to you just now.”

Caroline: “No, no, no, but then you were pacing about, looking nervous, so I…”

Mac: “Yeah, yeah. That’s because I was building up to, to getting around to asking you…erm…whether or not you would swap shifts with me tonight. Short notice I know. You don’t have to. Really not a problem, I can ask someone else. It’s cool. Are you all right?”

Caroline: “Yeah.”

Mac: “Sure.”

Caroline: “Yeah.”

Mac: “Good, good.”

Caroline: “No, I just thought…”

Mac: “What?”

Caroline: “I, I.”

Mac: “What did you think?”

Caroline: “I thought you were going to…no, I was just…well, I don’t know what I was…well anyway, who wants to get married these days.”

Mac: “Yeah.”

Caroline: “Yeah, it’s just so…”

Mac: “Absolutely, absolutely.” [Mac starts to leave, then comes back.] “Of course, you could always move in with me.”

Caroline: “What?”

Mac: “Well, that’s what I was going to ask you before I made up the bit about swapping shifts.”

Caroline: “Why would you do that?”

Mac: “Cos…erm…I really wanted to make sure that I could live in the same house as both your eyebrows.”

Caroline: “You can be very cruel sometimes.”

Mac: “Yes.” [Caroline gets up and leaves. Mac takes the Hula Hoops from her. He takes one out and looks at it.] “I think I’m quite finished.” [Later, Caroline is attending a patient when Mac arrives.] “Ah, hi there. Hi, I’m Dr. Macartney. How are you feeling? I need to borrow Dr. Todd just for a moment because it’s rather urgent, excuse me. [Mac moves Caroline to the end of the trolley that she was attending.] “Hi.”

Caroline: “What now?”

Mac: “I need to ask you’re advice.”

Caroline: “Advice about what?”

Mac: “About whether I should apologise verbally or physically.”

Caroline: “Physically.”

Mac

Green Wing (series 2)

From BillionQuotes

Contents

Series 2

Episode 1 [2.1]

Episode 2 [2.2]

Episode 3 [2.3]

Episode 4 [2.4]

Episode 5 [2.5]

Episode 6 [2.6]

Episode 7 [2.7]

Episode 8 [2.8]