Groucho Marx

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Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 - 1977) American comedian and actor

see Duck Soup (1933) A Night at the Opera (1935)

Contents

Sourced

  • "A four-year-old child could understand that. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail out of it."
    • Duck Soup when reading a treasury department report. (1933)
  • "Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication."
  • "I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks."
    • When asked for a photograph for identification
    • The Groucho Phile. (1976)
  • "You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are."
    • Duck Soup to a soldier (Harpo as Pinky) about to enter battle. (1933)
  • "Gentlemen, Chicolini here may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
    • Duck Soup during the trial. (1933)
  • "I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived."
    • Horse Feathers (1932)
  • "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
    • Animal Crackers (1930)
  • "Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did!"
    • Duck Soup, talking about Margaret Dumont as Teasdale (1933)
  • "Whatever it is, I'm against it!"
    • Main line in his first musical number in Horse Feathers (1932)
  • "I've a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
    • Duck Soup, talking to Chicolini from the presidential balcony (1933)
  • "If I held you any closer I'd be in back of you."
    • A Day At The Races (1937)
  • "You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff."
    • Duck Soup (1933)
  • "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
    • Duck Soup (1933)
  • "Of course you know this means war!"
    • Duck Soup
  • "Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
    • Animal Crackers (1930)
  • "What do you say the three of us get married: You girls have everything, you're short and tall, and slim and stout, and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of girl I crave!
    • Animal Crackers (1930)
  • "[While shooting elephants in Africa] I found the tusks very difficult to remove. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. But that's completely irrelephant to what I'm talking about.
    • Animal Crackers (1930)
  • "Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
    • Horse Feathers (1932)
  • "Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you."
    • Animal Crackers (1930)
  • "No, my friends. No, money will never make you happy, and happy will never make you money. That might be a wisecrack, but I doubt it."
    • The Cocoanuts (1929)
  • "Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room and I think it's you."
    • To Trentino, Duck Soup (1933)
  • [taking Harpo Marx's pulse]
    Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
    • A Day At The Races
  • "Go, and never darken my towels again."
    • To Trentino, Duck Soup
  • "Would you mind getting off of that fly paper so the flies can have a chance?"
    • Monkey Business
  • When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
    • A Night At The Opera
  • "A likely story and probably true."
    • The Al Jolson Show - ad-libbed repartee following a trite, scripted Al Jolson joke. (1949)
  • "Hello, Cocoanut Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long."
    • The Cocoanuts (1928)
  • "An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people?"
    • You Bet Your Life (television show; undated)
  • "Here I am talking to parties. I came here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods look down and laugh. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach."
    • Animal Crackers during one of his "strange interludes"
  • "We'll set up a 75¢ meal that will knock their eyes out. After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want."
    • Animal Crackers
  • "I've always had an idea that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science the world has ever known."
    • Animal Crackers
  • "I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
    • Monkey Business
  • I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
    • Groucho and Me (his 1959 book)

Dialogue

[Ravelli gets stuck on a piano piece.]
Chico [as Signor Ravelli]: I can't think of the finish!
Groucho [as Capt. Spaulding]: That's funny — I can't think of anything else.
Animal Crackers
Ravelli and Spaulding talking about playing prices.
Groucho [Capt. Spaulding]: "How much would you want to run into an open manhole?"
Chico [Ravelli]: "Just the cover charge."
Groucho: "Well drop in sometime."
Chico: "Sewer." (Sounds like "Sure.")
Groucho: "Well, we cleaned that up pretty well!"
Animal Crackers
In an informal job interview
Mr. Grover: "What experience have you had at a department store?"
Groucho [Wolf J. Flywheel]: "I was a shoplifter for three years."
Big Store

Attributed

  • A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
    • [Kipling [1895] wrote "A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke".]
    • 'A day at the races'
  • A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
  • A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
  • A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
  • Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
  • Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  • As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
  • Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. 'That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar, ' the conductor told her. 'And another one is in the washroom shaving.' Minnie shook her head sadly. 'They grow so fast.'
  • Before I speak, I have something important to say.
  • Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  • Blood's not thicker than money.
  • Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
  • Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers' organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
  • Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • Go, and never darken my towels again.
  • Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
  • I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
  • I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
  • I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
  • I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
  • I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  • I drink to make other people interesting.
  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  • I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
  • I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.
  • I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
  • I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
  • I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
  • I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
  • I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
  • Ice Water? Get some onions - that'll make your eyes water!
  • If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much -- just an occasional sun visor.
  • If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me.
  • If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
  • If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
  • In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
  • It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
  • It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
  • It's nice to have met you, and I've got nobody to blame but myself.
  • Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
  • Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution?
  • Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
  • Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
  • Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  • Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
  • My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
  • My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.
  • [told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews, Groucho replied]
    My son is half-Jewish, can he wade in up to his knees?
    • variation: "Well, my daughter's only half-Jewish, could she go up to the middle?"
  • No-one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
  • Now, there's a man with an open mind. You can feel the breeze from here.
  • Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.
  • On how it felt to be an elder statesman of comedy, c. late-1960's: [I feel] like an old jerk.
  • Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
  • Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and misapplying the wrong remedies.
  • Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
  • Room service? Send up a larger room.
  • Send a bunch of flowers to Mrs Upjohn and put I love you on the back of the bill.
  • She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
  • That kid's so smart, he could be the fifth Marx Brother.
  • The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
  • The only game I like to play is Old Maid - provided she's not too old.
  • The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.
  • There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
  • There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
  • Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • Time wounds all heels.
  • (On Vietnam) We should pull out. Which is what Nixon’s father should have done. [1]
  • Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.
  • When I heard about [the Broadway play] Hair, I was kind of curious about the six naked primates on stage. So I called up the box office and they said tickets were $11 apiece. That's an awful price to pay. I went into the bathroom at home and took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror for five minutes. And I said, 'This isn't worth $11'.
  • Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
    A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  • Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
  • Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
  • Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.
  • You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
  • You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!
  • You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Wrongly attributed

  • "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
    • In the movie Duck Soup this line is spoken by Chico Marx, who is dressed up as Groucho.
  • "It is better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all."
    • Said by Chico in Monkey Business, while being chased around a hayloft by a gangster (1931)
  • I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.




bg:Джулиъс Хенри Маркс

bs:Groucho Marx ca:Groucho Marx de:Groucho Marx es:Groucho Marx fr:Groucho Marx gl:Groucho Marx it:Groucho Marx he:גראוצ'ו מרקס hu:Groucho Marx pl:Groucho Marx pt:Groucho Marx sv:Groucho Marx ku:Groucho Marx

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