King of the Hill

From BillionQuotes

Quotes from characters in the FOX animated series, King of the Hill.

Contents 1 Hank Hill 2 Peggy Hill 3 Bobby Hill 4 Cotton Hill 5 Didi Hill 6 Luanne Platter 7 Dale Gribble 8 Nancy Gribble 9 Joseph Gribble 10 Bill Dauterive 11 Boomhauer 12 John Redcorn 13 Buck Strickland 14 Kahn Souphanousinphone 15 Minh Souphanousinphone 16 Connie Souphanousinphone 17 Joe Jack 18 Monsignor Martinez 19 Other 20 Dialogue

Hank Hill

• "Hello, Welcome to Strickland. Taste the meat, not the heat."
• "Assistant Manager, Strickland Propane."
• "I sell Propane and Propane Accessories."
• (upon Hank finding Bobby holding a Cheerleader uniform) "There better be a naked Cheerleader under your bed."
• "That boy ain't right."
• "Ginseng tea?? I'm not gonna get hopped up on dope!"
• "I tell you what, you can take a safety course, and if you're still interested in guns after they've taken all the fun out of it, we'll go to the tournament."
• "Bobby I'm going to tell you to do two things I hope you never have to do again, tape the Cowboys game and fetch me an apron."
• "Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse?"
• "I'm going to kick your ass."
• "Mother of God! It's all toilet sounds!" ("Pilot")
• "Damn it, Dale."
• (in his past) When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough! ("Order of the Straight Arrow")
• "The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town." ("Ho Yeah!")
• "I am inducing vomit!"
• "It's your fault I was born in New York and I can't drive my truck and I tried a bagel and actually liked it. No, no more lies -- I loved that bagel!" ("Yankee Hankie")
• "Dangit, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!"
• "What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?" ("Westie Side Story")
• "You failed English? Bobby, you speak English."
• "Who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I need to know whose ass to kick!" ("Hank's Dirty Laundry")
• "Fine. Where's the ass on this thing?" ("Hank's Dirty Laundry")
• Boomhauer, I can't understand a word you just said... what with all that legalese mumbo-jumbo.
• "Bobby, if you weren't my son I'd hug you."
• "An all Texas Super Bowl...Thy will be done." (After Hank discovers that the Houston Texans will play in the AFC instead of the NFC.)
• (to Dale Gribble after he mistakenly thought Dale had died from a poisonous ant attack) "You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying?! Of course, it makes us even!"
• "Don't play lawyer-ball with me, son."
• (After installing a lo-flow toilet and flushing twice) "Still?"

Peggy Hill

• (after reading "My child is an honor roll student" bumper sticker) "Oh yeah? Well my child is God to billions of Asians!"
• "Hank has a narrow urethra."
• "Spa-peggy and meatballs."
• (trying to think up musings) "Mix lemon juice and club soda, and you've got yourself a big bucket of crap."
• "Mrs. Peggy Hill!"
• "With Hank, it's propane first, family second and friends third."
• "In my opinion, kindling is the best way to start a fire"
• "The day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the busiest shopping day of the year."
• to her spanish class: "endele classe, passen un testes"
• "Fix it Hank!, I want grandchildren!"
• (In Spanish, subtitled): "Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anubises ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory."
• "HO YEAH!!!!!"

Bobby Hill

• "That's my purse, I don't know you!"
• "I'm a little worried about being a slut."
• "Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!"
• "There's some milk in the fridge that is about to go bad....and there it goes."
• (mocking his dad) "Git' out my house! My boy ain't much but he's all I got!"
• "You want my Chandler or my Ross?"
• "Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?"
• "That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do. They see each other naked."
• "(With his pants pulled up) What are you talkin' about?"
• "(Talking to a mannequin head) You look really special tonight."
• "There are 96 ridges on every checker...except this one."
• "(mocking his dad) "Now where did I put my pantyhose?" (when Hank was mistaken as female on his driver's license)
• "I like Jeff Gordon, he's handsome."
• "OK"
• "If my fist didn't hurt so bad I'd hit you again!....awww what the hell?" (hit's Joseph's butlers)
• "My Sloppy Joe is all sloppy and no Joe."
• "I'd like a one-way ticket to Mexico por favor. That means today. (After accidently burning down the church)
• "I bid you good day, Sheriff!" (after the Sheriff informs them that Hank is now a murder suspect.)
• "This is the gun club? I always thought this was a crack house."

Cotton Hill

• "I killed fiddy men."
• "Look for the man with the terrible smell."
• "I don't need no anesthetic. Do you think Abe Lincoln asked for any girly gas when they blowed his head off?"
• "That's a good one, Hank's Wife. A woman fixing a car, that's like a pig trying to read!"
• "Here you go, one Santy Anny's leg."
• "Hank's Wife!! Havin' a pancake supper over to the VFW. I'll need some pancakes...a couple hundred'll do. And all the syrup you gots!"
• "Sorry I'm late. I had to stop by the wax museum again and give the finger to FDR."
• "Waffles! Where's my waffles?"
• "I'm an old man. Everybody already hates me. But Bobby is just a child; he has his whole life ahead of him. ... If I could take a bullet for my grandson, I would. Just not in the face; that's how I make my livings".
• "When was my daughter a wench?"
• "(Talking about his urethra) Mine's so big I could birth the child myself!"
• "These is the keys to my Cadillac car. You know the rules: your wife is not allowed in my Cadillac car...unless she's in a bag in the trunk."
• (Referring to the bottled water in the time-share condominium in Mexico) "They got the water what don't give you the hot poopies!"
• (After smacking a waitress on the rump) "Hey missy! How 'bout some sammiches?!?"
• "Whatcha doin' Hank's wife? Some kind of women's work?"
• "You don't give someone a toy without batteries" (After Cotton gives Bobby a loaded Shotgun).

Didi Hill

• "Hank, you still like finger painting?"
• "Bobby, can you get me some lottery tickets?"
• "(Upon recieving G.H.) What's his name?"

Luanne Platter

• "You know so much, and I know so little."
• (Directed at Bill's "adopted" son.) "Stop trying to read the logo on my shirt!"
• "I hate hate!"
• "Ahh... Uncle Hank, Mister Kahn saw me naked."
• "I stopped being a virgin once I had sex."
• (taking a mock quiz, being asked if propane is flammable or not) Well, let's see, you can't *eat* propane...

Dale Gribble

• "I blame the media-blamers."
• "Hank, It's 3AM and someone invades your home. How are you going to shoot him?"
• (watching as Bill is pecked by dale's pet falcon) "Oh, he came home."
• "I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennesse walking horse that was looking at me funny."
• (throws a knife and hits a mannequin) "Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you."
• "Boil up some Mountain Dew; it's gonna be a long night." ("Dog Dale Afternoon")
• "I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for don't ya? 'Fix it again, Tony'."
• (on the Hills' answering machine) "You don't know who I am, but I know where you live sex ed teacher and you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. Oh and Hank, we changed that tee off time to three o'clock." ("Square Peg")
• "I'm the albino indian, deal with it."
• "If you want to elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say aye."
• (to Joseph) You're like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-centered.
• "Hank, you were right! The Cubans have my mower!" ("Dog Dale Afternoon")
• "I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks Gribble, nee Nancy Hicks. I stood in front of God and all my friends, vowing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not gonna lie to you, I have felt a small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was!"
• "... sounds like helicopters, UN helicopters". ("Pilot")
• "That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what temperature it's gonna be in our outdoors. I say, let the world warm up! See what Boutros Boutros-By-Golly thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska!" ("Pilot")
• "So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies."
• "Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your quote-unquote 'pollution control'. I heard on talk radio you don't even need 'em. They're just an egghead government plot." ("Pilot")
• "Open up your eyes, man! They're trying to control global warming! Get it? GLO-BAL!" ("Pilot")
• "Whoa! Hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision! If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking, or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry." (he reads the aforementioned tobacco industry-funded report on smoking)
• "Wingo!"
• "Wait a minute. Every time I leave, you call John Redcorn. I know what's going on here. Your headaches are a desperate bid for my attention. But what do I do? I pawn you off on some Indian healer so I can have my Dale time at the gun club, or breeding show turtles, or on the Internet investigating unexplained phenomenona. God, I am so selfish!" ("Nancy's Boys")
• "AH-SHI-SHA!"
• "They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear... but they're too late!" ("Dog Dale Afternoon")
• "Guns don't kill people. The government does!"
• "Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me."
• (after drinking tainted beer) "Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!"
• (after a trampoline falls on his foot) "Aah! This is a sign that we have been playing God with Buckley's trampoline and now God is playing God with us and He's a whole lot better at it. I refuse to touch this porthole to hell!"
• (trying to open a locked door): "This door seems to be equipped with some sort of anti-opening device."
• (after seeing Willie Nelson knocked out): "Check his pockets for cigarettes."
• (after having a muffin knocked out of his hands) MY MUFFIN!!!?!?!?!?!
• (after exhaling a puff of smoke) My throat's on fire!
• (after Dale tells his Falcon to retrieve him a vole, and it immediately attacks Bill)"...So Bill's a vole."
• (Seeing Hank come in with a food dish) Whatd'ya got under the foil Mr. Party Pooper, some party poop? ("A Firefighting We Will Go")

Nancy Gribble

• "Why, shug? WHY?"
• "I love Dale, but in a lights-on sort of way."
• "Hey, whatever turns you on, that's what i always say." ("Dog Dale Afternoon")

Joseph Gribble

• "As far as an eighth of a tank of gas can get me."
• "It's all so stupid!"
• (answering Bobby's question) "Because I'm creepy and you're fat and kinda dumb.

Bill Dauterive

• "Now Hank!"
• "But, my life sucks!"
• "Why does everything I love run away from me?"
• "I would never join a religion that restricted my diet. I don't want to get into heaven that way."
• "Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog?"
• "Well, I think we all could use a bath."
• (dressed up like Lenore and talking in a high-pitched voice) Why do you keep calling me "Bill"?"
• (trying on his old high school football helmet) "Hank, how'd my head get so fat?"
• "My dad used to punish me by telling me I was a girl. He used to make me wear a dress! Pretty, pretty dresses."
• "I don't know what's going on, but this is like the part of the movie where I'm wondering why don't they just get out of the house?"

Boomhauer

• "Them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothing."
• "Dang ol' Mega Lo Mart, done go boom!"
• "Dang ol' Bill, man!!"
• " Jus' sand in the wind, man."
• Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click Click Click Click Click. It's real easy, man.
• Life's like a dang ol' rubik's cube, man. You move all the colors around and when you get one side you mess up the other side, man.

John Redcorn

• "Hank, this ritual is important to my people. Don't Half-ass it."
• "Hey, Bobby, you like to rock."
• "Hey, Joseph, what a co-winky-dink."
• "I thought we said no bouncies!"
• "The ball was wet...there was nothing any of us could have done."
• "...I have a gala..."

Buck Strickland

• (directed at Bobby) "I used to chase skirt with your grand-daddy. He's a mean kind of funny."
• "And try to find one that doesn't always ask 'What are you thinking about?' "
• "And employees are supposed to wear pants, but I won't tell if you won't."
• "I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don't like to drive."

Kahn Souphanousinphone

• "Damn Rednecks!"
• (After Peggy hits Minh with a baseball) "Aah, you killed my Minh! Not really, but you really do suck, Peggy Hill."
• (Chasing Bobby out of his house with a golf club) "Fat white lump!"
• "You don't keep a Ferrari in the garage!"
• "I use secret Asian watering technique!"
• "I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park."
• "Something got to give, and it not gonna be my slip-n-slide!"

Minh Souphanousinphone

• "Your dog's a slut, Peggy Hill!"
• (upon finding out that Peggy makes rabbit stew) "Rabbit?! You rednecks eat anything!"
• (In the school gym during a flash flood) "Oh my god. This is just like when the city of Luang Prabang fell to the communists! Only this time we can't steal political license plates and escape to Thailand."
• "Kahn, for once try not to piss off neighbor"
• (Trying on Peggy's size 16 shoes) "Hey look! I like little girl in mama shoes. Okay, bye-bye now!" (Runs out the front door)

Connie Souphanousinphone

• (to Bobby)"You're lucky. I'm leaving home a girl and coming back a man."

Joe Jack

• "Baby did a bad, bad thing."
• "My anger is handicapping me."
• "Hey, honey."
• "I just felt my chakra open honey."

Monsignor Martinez

• "Vaya...con Dios."

Other

• Marlene: [to Boomhauer] I'm going to be honest with you-- I only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off.

Dialogue

• Hank: (meeting Khan) So are you Chinese or Japanese?
  Khan: No, we are Laotian.
  Bill: The ocean? What ocean?
  Khan: From Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in South East Asia between Vietnam and Thailand, population approximately seven million!
  Hank: (after a few seconds of silence) So are you Chinese or Japanese?

• (At an "animal friendly" meat shop)
  Hank: Do you have anything that tastes good?
  Owner: ...No

• Hank: Yup.
  Dale: Yup.
  Bill: Yup.
  Boomhauer: Mmm-hmm.

• Bill: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.
  (Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin)
  Dale: Be careful what you wish for.

• Bill : Oh my god, Hank! Are you gay?
  Hank: What?! No! I sell propane!

• Hank: "Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking."
  Bobby: "Why do you hate what you don't understand?"
  Hank: "I don't hate you Bobby!"
  Bobby: "I was talking about soccer"
  Hank: "Oh yeah, I hate soccer"

• Dale: "Aw, I've been at the gun club ... playing Russian Roulette."
  Nancy: "Did you win?"
  Dale: "You're not familiar with the game, are you?"

• Peggy: "Luanne, honey tell me what is it like to live without shame of any kind? Is it a good feeling?"
  Luanne: "Yeah... it is!"

• Luanne: "Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!"
  Hank: "Bobby, you cut that out!"

• Dale: "Do your people celebrate Thanksgiving, John Redcorn?"
  John Redcorn: "We did...once."

• Dale: "Okay, my turn. Tongue-kiss a lizard, or take a shower in Bill's bathroom."
  Hank: "Lizard."
  Boomhauer: "The lizard, man."
  Bill: "Oh, why is the other choice always "take a shower in Bill's bathroom"?"

• Dale: "So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies."
  Hank: Dale, that's asinine, and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling match. Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or clones? Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming." (Punches Dale in the arm)

• Dale: "What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because that's how I'm going to play it."
  Hank: "Dang it, Dale. It already happened once. What are the odds of it happening again?

• Bobby: "Can I add a gun rack to my bike?"
  Hank: "Son, do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?"

• Hank: "Now, I'm thinking of a number."
  Dale: "Three."
  Hank: "Yes."
  Dale: "Wingo. He always picks three. Except when he picks five."

• Hank (choosing a Christmas ornament):"How about this one?"
  Cotton: "Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why don't you get one with a flag-burnin' on it? Besides, we're a Joy family."
  Hank: "Dad, it's Jesus peace not Hippie peace..."
  Cotton: "Joy!!"

• Joe Jack: "How is your back honey?"
  Hank: "Great Joe Jack, how is your gambling problem?"