Henny Youngman

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Henny Youngman (Henry Youngman, March 16, 1906 - February 24, 1998) was a comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners", short simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire.

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King of the one-liners

The Wife

Take my wife, Please!
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!

Spite, Venom, and Gleeful Denunciations

If there's never been a suicide in your family, why don't you break the monotony?
If there's ever a price on your head, take it.
I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.
What got you out of the woodwork?
You're the kind of person I would like to have over when I have the measles.
Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.
Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.
I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine. I want to break off with them.
I like you--I have no taste--but I like you.
The more I think of you the less I think of you.
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
To Dean Martin--Dean, if you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Miscelleneous