The Simpsons

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This page is for quotes from The Simpsons televison series on the Fox Network (1989 - present); created by Matt Groening.

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.1]

• Homer: (picking up a squeaking rubber pork chop to buy for baby Maggie at Circus of Values ("Nothing Over $5.00").) "It says it's for dogs, but she can't read."

• Homer: (at Santa School trying to name the reindeer) "Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon."

• Bart: (upon discovering that his father has taken a temporary job as a shopping mall Santa.) "Dad, you must really love us to sink so low."

• Bart: "Ah, come on Dad, this can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us."

• The Tattoo Removal Technician: (turning on his laser) "Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or your groin."

• Bart: "Hey Santa, what's shaking?"
  Homer: (disguised voice) "What's your name, Bart...ner? --- er --- Little partner?"
  Bart: "I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?"

• Marge: "You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas."
  Homer: "Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance."

• Marge: (whispering) "Isn't that sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel."
  Bart: (close up, singing) "Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, the Joker got away."

• Homer: "Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!"
  Clerk: "That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year."

• Marge: "All right, children. Let me have those letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole."
  Bart: "Oh, please. There's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa."

• Marge: (writing) "Dear Friends of the Simpson Family, We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's, and Bart, well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays, The Simpsons."

• Marge: "This is the best gift of all, Homer."
  Homer: "It is?"
  Marge: "Yes, something to share our love. And frighten prowlers."

Bart the Genius [1.2]

• Mrs. Krabappel: (preparing her class for standardized testing) "Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. If any."

• Bart: "Toreador, oh don't spit on the floor. Please use the cuspidor, that's what it's for."

• Bart: (his contribution to an advanced discussion on paradoxes) "Well... you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't."

• Homer: (consoling Bart after his project blows up in class) "I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the lightbulb."

• Martin: (telling on Bart) "I hope you won't bear some sort of simple-minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building."
  Bart: "Eat my shorts."
  Martin: "Pardon?"

• Homer: "There's nothing wrong with a father kissing his son... I think. Now go on, boy, and pay attention, because if you do, one day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone."

• Homer: (on the opera) "Jeez. No beer... no opera dogs..."

• Lisa: (explaining to Marge why Homer is chasing Bart through the house) "I think Bart's stupid again, Mom."

• Homer: "Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius --- how does it happen?"
  Dr. Pryor: "Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of hereditary and enviroment... (Pryor sees Homer staring blankly.) Uh... although in some cases it's a total mystery."

• Skinner: "Umm... whoever did this is in very deep trouble."
  Martin: "And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant."

• Marge: "Bart, this is a big day for you; why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?"
  Homer: "Nonsense, Marge! Frosted Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of those chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this."
  Marge: "Homer!"
  Homer: "I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up."

Homer's Odyssey [1.3]

• Moe: (to Homer on why he refuses to extend him a bar tab) "I don't think you're ever going to get another job and be able to pay me back."

• Bart: (on Homer's depression) "All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale."

• Homer: "Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks."

• Smilin' Joe Fission: (addressing the nuclear waste problem in a pro-nukes propaganda film) "I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years."

• Marge: "There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back."

• Homer: "You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us."

• Homer: (addressing the safety rally outside the power plant) "Unlike most of you, I am not a nut."

• Homer: "Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again."

• Moe: "Moe's Tavern."
  Bart: "Is Mr. Freely there?"
  Moe: "Who?"
  Bart: "Freely. First initials, I.P."
  Moe: "Hold on, I'll check. (calls out) Is I.P. Freely here? I.P. Freely?"

• Homer: "You'll get that punk someday, Moe."
  Moe: "I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name."

• TV announcer #1: "Loaftime, the cable network for the unemployed, will be right back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this."
  TV announcer #2: "Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time. Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by."
  Jingle chorus: (sings) "You can't get enough of the wonderful Duff. Duff Beer!"
  Homer: "Beer! Now there's a temporary solution."

• Sherri: "Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent."
  Bart: "What does "incompetent" mean?"
  Terri: "It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job."
  Bart: "Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down."

• Wiggum: Well, it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a graffiti vandal known as El Barto. Police artist have a composite sketch to go over and if anyone has any information, please contact us immediately. (A sketch is passed around; Bart gets it and sees that the drawing is of an older, stubby, mean-looking version of himself.)
  Bart: "Cool, man."

There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.4]

• Homer: "I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town."</br>Marge: "Well maybe we should move to a larger community."

• Homer: "When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

• Mr. Burns: And make yourselves at home.
  Bart: Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

• (The Simpsons peer through a dining room window, watching another family happily eating dinner together.)
  Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.
  Bart: No belching.
  Lisa: That dad has a shirt on!
  Marge: Look, napkins!
  Bart: These people are obviously freaks.

• Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a li'l al-key-hol in this punch.

• Burns: Awww. That's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers, get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant.
  Homer: Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.
  Bart: Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid!
  Homer: Bart, please. Five bucks for a kiss.

• Mr. Burns: (greeting guests)...and this must be (looking down at card)..."Brat"
  Bart: Bart.
  Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.

• The Lyrics to Marge and the Wives' Musical Salute to Wine:
  Here we sit, enjoying the shade!
  Hey, brother, pour the wine!
  Drink the drink that I have made!
  Hey, brother, pour the wine!
  He's here at last, my one and only.
  Goodbye friends and don't be lonely.
  Hey, brother, pour the wine.

Bart the General [1.5]

• Nelson: (in Bart's nightmare, punching Bart in the stomach as he lays dead in his funeral casket) "Here's one for the road, dude."

• Grampa: (writing a letter to television advertisers) "I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive."

• Herman: "The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it."

• Grampa: (grabbing Bart after seeing him hit one of his soldiers) "You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock. But for some reason, you can't slap 'em."

• Marge: "Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!"
  Bart: "I guess I could do that."
  Homer: "What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!"
  Marge: "What on earth are you talking about, Homer?"
  Homer "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do."

• Grampa: "I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children."

• Bart: "Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners; only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures."

• Herman: "When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?"
  Bart: "Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?"
  Herman: "Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above," but I guess we're stuck."

• Weasel #1: "Nelson, y-you're bleeding."
  Nelson: "Naw, happens all the time; somebody else's blood splatters on me. (Nelson realizes his nose is bleeding) Hey, wait a minute---you're right! (to Bart) You made me bleed my own blood."

• Bart: "Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up; you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes and---"
  Nelson: "I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15."
  Weasel #1: "And you better be prompt!"
  Weasel #2: "He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon."

• Bart's Army Marching Song
  I got a B in arithmetic, woulda got an A, but I was sick.
  In English class I did the best, because I cheated on the test.
  We are happy we are merry, we got a rhyming dictionary.

• Principal Skinner: Uh oh, there's your bell. Come along now, all of you. No dawdling, now."
  Nelson: (to Bart)" I'll get you after school, man."
  Bart: "But-
  Principal Skinner: "Oh, no, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up, it's time for class.

Moaning Lisa [1.6]

• Marge: "It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you... and happiness will follow."

• Bart: "I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. No one can prove anything."

• Mr. Largo: "Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'Tis Of Thee!""
  Lisa: "But, Mr. Largo, that's what my country is all about."
  Mr. Largo: "What?"
  Lisa: "I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The lowa farmer, whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureacrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up his---"
  Mr. Largo: "Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of these unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week."

• Bleeding Gums Murphy: (to Lisa) "You know you play pretty well for someone with no real problems."

• Marge: (upon finding Lisa jamming with Bleeding Gums Murphy) "Lisa, get away from that jazzman! (to Murphy) Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar."

• Murphy: "My friends call me Bleeding Gums."
  Lisa: "Ew! How'd you get a name like that?"
  Murphy: "Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?"
  Lisa: "Yeah."
  Murphy: "Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is."

• Bart: "In the red trunks, with the record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, battling Bart Simpson! Whoopee! Woo-woo-woo! And, in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats-oh, correction: humiliating defeats-all of them by knockout-"
  Homer: "Must you do this every time?"
  Bart: "Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson."

• The Lyrics to Lisa's Blues Number:
  I got a bratty brother
  he bugs me every day
  and this morning my own mother
  she gave my last cupcake away
  my dad acts like he belongs
  he belongs in the zoo
  I'm the saddest kid in grade number two.

• Bart: "Is Jacques there?"
  Moe: "Who?"
  Bart: "Jacques, last name Strap."
  Moe: "Hold on. (calling out) Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!"

The Call of the Simpsons [1.7]

• Bob: (awed, while introducing the Ultimate Behemoth) "Man built this... it's a vehicle."

• RV salesman Bob: (to Homer, on his hopes of buying "The Ultimate Behemoth") "You ever known a siren to be good? No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind telling me, 'Sell the vehicle to this fella and you're out of business!' That's what the siren says. It seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range, and 'wee bit' is me being polite. You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million."

• (Marge and Lisa discuss the subject of where babies come from.)
  Lisa: "I heard a hideous story about it once in the schoolyard."
  Marge: "Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid."

• TV anchorman: (making the Bigfoot announcement) "Bigfoot, legendary half-man, half-ape, is no longer a legend. He's very, very real... now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was most impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language, and most of all, its indescribable stench. A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of $5,000 to anyone who brings in the creature alive. Naturally, we'll have more on this story as soon as it develops. We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.

• Homer: "And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it."

• Homer: (after being shot by tranquilizer darts by Bigfoot hunters) "Avenge me, son. Avenge my death." (snores loudly)

• Lisa: "Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star."
  Homer: "That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods."

• (Scientists from around the world are holding a press conference to announce their findings regarding Homer.)
  Marvin Monroe: "Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive."
  Scientist #1: "That's what he thinks; I say it's none other than Bigfoot in the flesh"
  Scientist #2: "Oh no, I disagree. I think it is a man. The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence."
  Scientist #3: "Glimmer in the eyes... What about the sloping ape-like forehead?"
  (Homer and Marge watch the press conference in bed.)
  Homer: "Oh, the guys at work are going to have a field day with this."

The Telltale Head [1.8]

• Homer: (on heaven) "I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke cigars."
• Bart: "Well, I was wondering---how important is it to be popular?"
  Homer: "I'm glad you asked son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world."
  Bart: "So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?"
  Homer: "You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?"
• Bart: "Uh, mam, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?"
  Teacher: "For the last time, Bart, yes!"
• Bart: "But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud. If it weren't for him all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of '48."
• Homer: (to Bart) "A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center."
• (Homer sits in the kitchen, reading "the Bowl Earth Catalog.")
  Homer: "Ohh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (reading) "It will send your pins to... Valhalla?" Lisa?"
  Lisa: "Valhalla is where vikings go when they die."
  Homer: "Ooh, that's some ball."

Life on the Fast Lane [1.9]

• Jacques: "My head cries, 'Stop!', but my heart and hips cry, 'Proceed!'"
• (As Homer is carrying Marge out of the Power Plant)
  Plant Employee: Hey, What'll I tell the boss?
  Homer: (Proudly) Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the women I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
  (Homer's co-workers all cheer)
• (Jacques on brunch): "It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantalope at the end."

Homer’s Night Out [1.10]

• Bart: Lady, where's my spy camera? (with carrier) Where's my spy camera?
  Carrier: Every day for the last six months.
  Bart/Carrier: Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera?
  Carrier: HERE'S YOUR STUPID SPY CAMERA!
• Bart: Hey, my photo.
  Marge and Homer: Your photo!
  Bart: Uh oh...
  Homer: Why you little!
  Marge: Why you big! (to Homer)
• Apu: Sir, you look familiar. Are you on the television or something?
  Homer: Sorry buddy, you've got me confused with Fred Flintstone.
• Homer: (weighing himself) 239 pounds? Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty?
• (Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror)
  Marge Ohhh...Don't strain your self, dear.
  Homer: Good idea, Marge.
• Mr. Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?
  Homer: What do you mean, Sir?
  Mr. Burns: I mean this (holds up picture of Homer dancing with Princess Kasmir) A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orang-u-tan in heat. (slams fist on table) This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. (wrinkles up picture into a ball) I will not have you offending my customers with your bawdy shenanigans.

The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

• Cesar [in French]: "Ah, Maurice [a donkey]. Once the American boy arrives, your days of back-breaking work labor will be over."

• Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

• Marge: I'll just clean the dishes... </br> Adil: No, Mrs. Simpson, you have been oppressed enough today. I will clear the dishes.

Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

• Apu: What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
  Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome. (laughs)
  Krusty: Ow, my foot, you lousy, stupid clumsy...
  Homer: Sorry, pal. (gasps and screams)
  Krusty: (pointing a gun at Apu) Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
  Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
• Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
• Chief Wiggum: Krusty the Klown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say...blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.
• Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I'm so glad you're here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.

Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

• Dr. Marvin Monroe: The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be!
  Marge: Really?
  Dr. Monroe: I'm as sure of it as my voice is annoying. Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you, he will be leaving.
  Marge: Leave Homer?
  Dr. Monroe: Please, don't use his real name!
  Marge: Leave Pedro?
  (the employees at Homer's work crack up)
• Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
  Bart: (dials the phone) Aw, where's your sense of humor, man?
  Moe: Moe's Tavern.
  Bart: Hello, is Al there?
  Moe: Al?
  Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
  Moe: Lemme check... Phone call for Al. Al Coholic! Is there an Al Coholic there? (bar denizens laugh) Wait a minute... Listen, you yellow-bellied jackass, if I ever find out where you are, I'm gonna kill you!
• Moe: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?
  Homer: You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
  Moe: Homer.
  Homer: What?
  Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.
  Homer: What?
  Homer: Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
  Barney: You're no more of a pig than I am. (belches loudly)
  Homer: Oh, no!
  Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: Once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.
• Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
  Marge: Oh Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.
• Radio screener: First name, age, problem.
  Marge: I'm Marge, thirty-four, and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much more of this I can—
  Screener: Hey, lady! Save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?
• Botz: Come, children. Let's go watch the Happy Little Elves.
  Bart: Look, lady, we've seen the crappy little elves about fourteen billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV.
  Botz: I said we're gonna watch the tape.
  Bart: Aw, that's merely suggested viewing matter, lady. Mom lets us watch whatever the hell we want.
  Botz: I said, you're gonna watch this tape and you're gonna do what I say or I'm gonna do something to you and I don't know what that is because everybody has always done what I say!

Introduction

Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue from The Simpsons (featured in the end of the episode "Blood Feud") sums up the whole show:

Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool.

Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've gotten anything.

Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer: Amen to that!

This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 14-15).

Contents 1 Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.1] 2 Bart the Genius [1.2] 3 Homer's Odyssey [1.3] 4 There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.4] 5 Bart the General [1.5] 6 Moaning Lisa [1.6] 7 The Call of the Simpsons [1.7] 8 The Telltale Head [1.8] 9 Life on the Fast Lane [1.9] 10 Homer’s Night Out [1.10] 11 The Crepes of Wrath [1.11] 12 Krusty Gets Busted [1.12] 13 Some Enchanted Evening [1.13] 14 Introduction 15 Homer Simpson 15.1 Dialogs with Homer 16 Marge Simpson 16.1 Dialogs with Marge 17 Bart Simpson 18 Other

Homer Simpson

• Ahh, my beer! Oh, you never even had a chance to become my urine!
• Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel.
• Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
• All I wanted was a second honeymoon, and now the floor is made of lava.
• All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.
• Homer: All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
  Brain: It's a deal!
• All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
• Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
• Always submit to peer pressure.
• Am I turning you on?
• America's health care system is second only to Japan...Canada, Sweden, Great Britain...well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
• Are you sure you're an accredited and bonded pornographer?
• As long as he has eight fingers and eight toes, he's my son.
• Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
• Awww, $20!? I wanted a peanut. (Brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.) Explain how. (Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.) Woohoo!
• Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me... and maybe the boy!
• Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!
• Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
• Beer...My onnnnne weakness!
• Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
• To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
• Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
• Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
• But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
• Call me Air Homer!
• Check and mate. Now king me!
• Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another, until you just wish Flanders was dead.
• D'oh!
• Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. ... Thy will be done.
• Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.
• Maybe it's just the beer talking Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels (gibberish) 5 dollars? Get outta here. (Written on Beer Festival postcard)
• Did you know that in Massachusetts it's legal to marry your son?
• "Distracted". Now that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get "tracted"? I'll call the suicide hotline and find out.
• Do I know what rhetorical means?
• Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!
• Does whisky count as beer?
• Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them.
• Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. ... Well, good night!
• Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers.
• Episode 3F11, Selma's Choice.
• Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities : John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin...I wish I was dead.
• Don't you know the saying? "Water water everywhere, so let's all have a drink"? (A rewording of a Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem)
• Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gum-ball machine?
• Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
• (building a barbecue pit) English side ruined! Must use French instructions! (reading) "Le grille"?! What the hell is that?!
• Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and forgot how to drive?
• Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.
• Extended warranty? How could I lose?
• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
• First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.
• First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
• First you gotta shriek like a woman, then keep sobbing till he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back.
• For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
• Get lost, Flanders.
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• Gime? What's a gime? (reading a sign saying "Gym") Ooooh! A GIME'.
• God bless those pagans.
• God cannot be everywhere, right?
• Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'.
• Good-bye, Bart. I like your sheets.
• Good-bye, Lisa. Remember me as I am: Filled with murderous rage!
• (drunk) Guess how many boobs I saw today! Fifteen!
• Heh-heh-heh! Lisa, vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
• Help me Jebus, help me!
• Have you ever heard of jet lag. JET LAG?!
• Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’
• Here in France, no one calls me "fat jerk". I'm a "gourmand".
• Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I HATE when people do that!!
• Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!
• Hey, if you don't like it go to Russia.
• Hmmm... I don't approve of his Bart-killing policy... but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy (subsequently votes for Sideshow Bob)
• (drunk) Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!
• HOMER MAD! HOMER MAD! HOMER GET REVENGE ON WORLD!
• Homer no function beer well without.
• (singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
• I believe children are the future... unless we stop them now!.
• I bet Einstein turned himself into all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
• I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
• I can't believe that someone I've never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me.
• I didn't need that fact...now I forgot who won Bud Bowl 8.
• I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.
• I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say yes.
• I don't miss a thing. (walks into different room) Whoa! We have a kitchen?!
• I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'
• If I don't see it, its not illegal!
• Enough! I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!
• I have misplaced my pants.
• I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are driving me nuts.
• I hope I didn't brain my damage.
• I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.
• I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
• I may occasionally kill out of anger; or to illustrate a point, but I'm no Grim Reaper!
• I must have a guardian angel... with a rifle!
• I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.
• I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
• I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
• I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
• I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
• I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day. Then it was every other day.
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
• I was at the pornography store. I was buying pornography.
• I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!
• I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold... and eaten.
• I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood.
• I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping bag, goodnight.
• I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
• If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny...
• If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
• If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
• If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
• "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers..."
• If you're gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.
• Impeach Churchill!
• I'll mace you good!
• I'll get out of this city alive, even if it kills me! (while trying to get out of New York City)
• I'll make sure you Christian Fundamentalists control everything by the 21st century!
• I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
• I'm going to act how America acts best... unilaterally!
• I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
• I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
• I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
• I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus!
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
• I'm not outta order! You're outta order! The whole freakin' system's outta order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge — it's Chinatown!
• I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!
• Imagine, me in a nuclear power plant, he he he, KABOOM!, he he he
• Internet! Is that thing still around?
• I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -and it's me.
• If it's about laying off the Guatemalan insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya!
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
• If something is hard to do, it is not worth doing. (seen on a poster)
• It is better to watch people do stuff than to do stuff.
• It's about time trees were good for something, instead of just standing there like jerks!
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
• It worked! And there's no brain damage-amage-amage-amage-AMAGE
• I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.
• I've come to hate my own creation! Now I know how God feels!
• Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
• Keep walking, Flanders.
• Kids don't beat me, I beat kids.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
• Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
• Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!
• Look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happy Land in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! (slams door then comes back in) In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic!
• Lousy bragging know-it-all show-off.
• Lousy lovable dog.
• Lousy laws of physics.
• Lousy rotten no-good Flanders.
• Lousy stupid Denver.
• Lousy traumatic childhood.
• Maybe some day somebody will call me "sir" without adding "You're making a scene".
• Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.
• Marge, I think I'd remember my own LIFE!
• Marge, I'd kill for you! Please ask me to kill for you.
• Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be baking?
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.
• Marge, quick, how many kids do we have? No time, I'll just estimate. Nine!
• Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
• Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.
• Me lose brain? Uh oh.
• Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the baldest of them all?
• Mr. Burns, I think I won.
• My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.
• My God, you're greasy.
• Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?!
• No son of mine is gonna be a nineteenth-century Cockney bootblack!
• Now for the easiest job for any coach...the cuts.
• Now, nourish the child within me. NOURISH....!!
• Now who's the Dean?
• Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies, and kids with fake I.D.s.
• Now that happy moment between the time the lie is told and when it is found out.
• Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible: 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! If you ask me, everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy.
• Oh, God! We killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is going to be so mad!
• Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge... see ya!
• Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff! In jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori!
• Oh, Dad, you and your stories. 'Bart broke my teeth. The nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger.'
• Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go to the... building... where our beds and TV...is.
• Oh! Look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?
• (Upon receiving death threat letter written in blood) Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.
• Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of people know that.
• Oh Maude, the human wang is a beautiful thing. (while lounging in the yard naked)
• Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
• Oh, those jazz guys are just making that stuff up!
• Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!
• Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
• Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer!
• Once the sun goes down, all the weirdoes turn crazy!
• Once you go Vatican, you never go back again.
• Ooh, a fresh batch of America balls.
• Operator! Give me the number for 911!
• Our kids keep getting smarter. If we have another kid, he could invent a time machine to go back in time and prevent us from having kids.
• Pffft. Who needs English? I'm never going to England.
• Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! (upon meeting aliens)
• Please, Your Majesty, I know that I, like many other Americans, have behaved like a total buffoon. But we Americans are England's children. I know we don't call as often as we should and we aren't as well- behaved as our goody two-shoes brother, Canada -- who, by the way, has never had a girlfriend -- I'm just sayin'! But, please, find it in your jewel-encrusted heart to forgive me. (to the Queen of England)
• Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.
• Purple is a fruit.
• Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
• Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing, because YOU have a GAMBLING problem!
• Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
  Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
• Save me, Duffman!
• Screw Flanders!
• See you in hell, candy-boys!
• (to Flinstones theme) Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree... Ahhhh!
• Marge, someone broke the toilet.
• Snakes, nature's quitters.
• Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd.
• (singsong) Shaving my shouldeers. I'm getting it all shaved off...
• Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
• [drunk] So I say, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same in the end!
• Son, a woman is a lot like a... (looks around) a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... (spots his can of Duff) Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (downs the beer) But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
• Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?
• Stupid American-made dog!
• Stupid Bartoon! (laughs) "Bartoon"! That's clever! (laughs again) I'm gonna kill him!
• Stupid Flanders! You're a genius.
• Stupid Flounders! (after fish stole his lawn chairs)
• Stupid ice. I always knew I'll die cased in something.
• Stupid, sexy Flanders!
• Stupid TV! Be more funny!
• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• (after discovering Lincoln didn't bury any gold) That lying, rail-spitting, theater-going freak!!
• That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
• That's a nice-a donut.
• That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth.
• The Burns Mansion! That's Mister Burns's Mansion!
• The food was not undelicious.
• The good book, on tape? Ooh its written by Larry King.
• The hunter has become the hunter.
• The internet wasn't created for mockery, it was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!
• The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten.
• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
• The strong must protect the sweet.
• [To Maggie] The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.
• Then I figured out we could just stick them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
• To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
• To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don't have to do squat. ( advice to Mr.Burns ).
• "To start, press any key." Where's the "any" key?!
• "To overcome the spidercurse, simply quote a Bible verse" Thou shalt not... DOH! *throws rock at giant spider*
• *gasp* OH MY GOD! TRAMAPOLINE! TRAMBAPOLINE!
• Trying is the first step towards failure.
• Unguarded breakfasts - the sweetest taboo.
• Uh, we're having a discussion about gay witches for abortion. You woudln't be interested.
• Wait a minute... I'm in no condition to drive... hmm... Hey, I'm drunk! I shouldn't listen to myself!
• Homer: Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
  Lesbian: What was her problem?
• Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It's what separates us from the animals -except the weasel.
• (about Jesus wearing sandals) Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught 'im.
• Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.
• Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
• (to Marge) Well YOU have a problem!
• We're goin bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths.
• (after watching a cult brainwash film) Homer: Wait, so the cops knew internal affairs was setting them up?
  Cult Member: What? There's nothing like that in there.
  Homer: Yeah, when I get bored I make up my own movie.
• What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?
• What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
• (giving a lecture on marriage) What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."
• What's keeping Joan Rivers alive?
• (after just waking up) What's wrong? House ran away? Dog on fire?
• Whaddaya mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! [turns] Oh, my God: that's his lucky red hat. He's a box! My boy's a box! Damn you, a box!
• When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
• When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
• "Who is Fonzie?" Don't they teach you anything at school?
• Why you little...! [usually goes with strangling Bart]
• Woohoo!
• Wow, I can't believe we just met Mr. Bean! [Homer's comment after meeting Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the UK, who takes off in a jetpack]
• Wrong again, liberal media!
• Y'ello! (Homer's version of "hello")
• You call this a bicameral legislature? [Homer bursting into Congress drunk, before being subdued by security]
• You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and get on with life.
• You can't spell "dishonest" without "honest".
• You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
• (To Ned) You help me, and I, in turn, am helped by you!
• You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
• You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
• You su-diddly-uck, Flanders.
• You tried and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.
• Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
• Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her — during the commercial.
• You're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization.
• That's the beauty of a shallow grave.
• Hey, look at this! I am a weiner. Heh heh, he sure is!
• Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose. A reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!
• D'oh!... Nuts! Mmmmmm donuts...
• (After being caught trying to smuggle a baby panda) But he loves me! (Panda bites him) OW!! Why you endangered you... (begins to strangle the panda)
• Marge, let me handle this. Drunken hicks of the jury...
• It's true...I'm a rageaholic! I just can't live without rageahol!
• (Getting into the car after Oktoberfest) I'm in no condition to drive. Wait -- I shouldn't listen to my self, I'm drunk!
• Shimatta bakame! (subtitled "D'oh!") (after folding a million-yen note into a origami crane and watching it get blown away by the wind)

Dialogs with Homer

• 1st telemarketing message: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you have the power in you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to "Happy Dude," 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away!
  2nd telemarketing message: Hello. This is Homer Simpson, a.k.a. Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call everyone in town and say that I'm sorry for my telemarketing scams. (pause) I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please send one dollar to "Sorry Dude," 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
• Answering machine tape at work:
  Homer: Hello. You have reached the workplace of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the waterbed, please leave a detailed message. If you need to...
  Mr. Burns: Get back to work.
  Homer: Ahhhh!
• Homer: Oh, what does it matter, we're doomed!
  [a seagull flies into view]
  Flanders: Wrong, we're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die!
  [it squawks and spirals into the ocean]
  Homer: [triumphant] Woo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right, not Flanders. We ARE doomed! In your face, Flanders!
• Art lady: It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly... or a chimpanzee.
  Homer: Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!
• Women on Bart's music video, singing: Yvan eht nioj...
  Lisa: "Yvan eht nioj"? What does that mean?
  Homer: It probably means nothing, like "shama-lama ding-dong" or "give peace a chance".
• Bart: Dad, Dad, we did something terrible!
  Homer: Did you wreck the car?
  Bart & Lisa: No!
  Homer: Did you raise the dead?
  Bart and Lisa: Yes!
  Homer: But the car's ok?
  Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh.
  Homer: Ok then.
• Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
  Moe: You're an idiot.
• Homer: Flaaaaaandeeers! Flaaaaaaaaandeeeers! Flaaaaanders!
  Ned: What!?
  Homer: Flaaaaanders!
  Ned: What? What is it?!
  Homer: Games out there! Ha ha ha ha! Made you look!
  Ned: Mmmmmm! They're just words, Neddy. Words can't hurt you!
  (Homer throws a beer can. It hits Ned on the head.)
  Ned: Oooow! That's it!
  Lisa: Dad, that was really mean!
  Homer: I know, sweety, and I got him right in the... uh oh..[Flanders is storming towards him. He stands glaring at Homer.][nervously] Heh heh heh... hi, Flanders. Go Wildcats!
  Ned: Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching?
  Homer: No! No! No no no. Its just that... well... like I was yelling earlier... seems like... anyone with half a brain can coach better than you.
  Ned: Uh huh! Half a brain, huh? Well, you know what? Sounds like you just volunteered!
  [puts cap on Homer's head and gives him the memo board]
  Homer: Me? But you were doing such a great job!
• Homer: You're not gonna make the team with that kind of attitude!
  [Homer is wearing a hat, Marge's self-defense whistle, some brown shorts, and a shirt]
  Lisa: I don't want to make the team!
  Homer: Then why are you running the obstacle course?
  Marge: Are you wearing my self defense whistle?
  Homer: You never use it!
  Marge: Hmmmmm...
• Bart: May I be excused, mom?
  Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner, too.
  Marge: Homer, please.
  Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter. It must have been you. You quit every job you've ever had. Cop, pretzel vender, church counselor, professional gambler.
  Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
  Homer: Well, if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job!
  [Homer walks over to the phone and dials Mr. Burns' number.]
  Mr. Burns: Ahoy hoy?
  Homer: Mr. Burns? This is Homer J Simpson, the father of the big quitter! Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter, too! And I quit!
  [Homer winks twice.]
  Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
  Homer: So--
  [screams, hangs up phone.]
• Marge: Homer, I've got someone here who can help you?
  Homer: Batman?
  Marge: He's a scientist
  Homer: Batman's a scientist.
  Marge: It's not Batman!
• When discovering that his rocket escaping Earth was actually headed for the Sun, but until there he'd have to endure Rosie O'Donnell's singing and Tom Arnold's jokes:
  Bart: Don't worry dad, we'll be dead in five minutes.
  Homer: Not fast enough! [presses the eject button of a space rocket]
• Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
  Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
  Marge: No! What if he’s crazy?
  Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
• Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
  Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really … good.
• Flanders: It's like I'm wearing nothing at all... nothing at all... nothing at all...
  Homer: Stupid, sexy Flanders!
• Flanders: I think we hit something.
  Homer: I hope it's Flanders.
• Flanders: What happened to the plow from old snowplow business?
  Homer: I never had a snowplow business.
  Flanders: Yes, you did: "Mr. Plow". You're wearing the jacket right now.
  Homer: I think I remember my own life, Ned. (to himself) Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.
• History Channel narrator: America, 1948. Americans pick their president. Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas E. Dewey.
  Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
  Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.
  Narrator: The headlines proclaim, "Dewey defeats Truman".
  Homer: Yes, I win the bet! Who’s your daddy?!
  Narrator: But the headlines are dead wrong. (Homer gasps) Harry Truman triumphs by two million votes.
  Homer: Not if I can stop that inauguration!
• Homer (childproofing Apu's apartment): Avoid overly pointy deities. You should get yourself a nice, round Buddha.
  Apu: Sir, I am a Hindu!
  Homer: Well, so am I, but I don't get all huffy about it!
• Homer: (demonstrating the garage door) I just press this button and the door opens like magic.
  (door rises a few inches and stops)
  Pepe: Why does it stop there?
  Homer: Because it's a stupid PIECE OF JUNK!!
  (Homer begins pounding the door)
• Homer: (driving ambulance) Where to man?
  Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You are an ambulance, not a taxi!
  Homer: Hospital, ah? Wow, everyone's going there tonight.
  Lisa: Dad, you've been driving in circles for twenty minutes! Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
  Homer: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?!
• Homer: All right, guys! It's time to clean up this town!
  Skinner: Meaning what exactly?
  Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel important. That kind of thing.
• Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
  Marge: That's because you were drunk!
  Homer: And how!
• Homer: Hello, My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me...
  Post Officer: Okay, Mr. Burns...what is your first name?
  Homer: I don't know...
• Homer: Here you go, Flanders. I've found your missing wheelbarrow, chainsaw, leaf blower, and morning newspaper.
  Ned: Ooo, good job, Inspector Find-it. Did you catch the thief?
  Homer: (suspicious) Who said it was a he?
  Ned: Well, I sure didn't.
  Homer: Who said you did?!
  Ned: No one.
  Homer: Wrong answer! You're coming with me!
  Ned: Okaly-dokaly.
  Homer: Don't push your luck, pal!
• Homer: If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock. We'll lose tourists! Then who will buy my road-side corn?!
  Marge: You don't sell road-side corn.
  Homer: There's a lot you don't know about me Marge. A lot that would shock you.
• Homer: No TV, no beer, makes Homer something something...
  Marge: ...go crazy?
  Homer: Don't mind if I do! (Crazed gibberish)
• Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
  Khlau Kalash Vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
  Homer: Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice!
• Homer: Oh, no! Lisa's dead! And nothing will ever bring her back! (slyly) Unless...
  Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead.
  Homer: Oh, praise God! You're alive! (slyly) Unless...
• Homer: Oh, you know what Arthur Fortune did lately? He donated two male pandas to the zoo and got them to mate, successfully!
  Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
  Homer: Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. (looking out window) WOW, a blue car!
• Homer: Son, if there's one thing this life has taught me, it's to avoid trouble just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat! Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms; they're filthy!
  Bart: But I have to say something.
  Homer: Talk about boats. Then when they ask you if you hate this country, you just cry and pretend you don't.
  Bart: But I don't hate this country.
  Homer: There, there. Just save your lies for the American public.
• Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
  Lisa: No.
  Homer: Ham?
  Lisa: No.
  Homer: Pork chops?
  Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
  Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
• homer: [listing his vigilante group’s goals] .....World domination.
  Lisa: World domination?
  Homer: [unconvincingly] Um, I’m sure that’s just a typo.
  Homer’s Brain: mental note; “the girl knows too much”
• [Dr Hibbert is explaining to homer that he’s going to die]
  Dr Hibbert: You’ll go through five distinct stages; first is denial.
  Homer: No way ‘cause I’m not going to die.
  Dr Hibbert: Second is anger.
  Homer: [angrily] Why you little...
  Dr Hibbert: Then bargaining.
  Homer: [waving some cash in front of Hibbert’s face] Doc, if you get me out of this I’ll make it worth your wild.
  Dr Hibbert: Depression.
  Homer: [sadly] Oh no, I’m going to die.
  Dr Hibbert: Then finally acceptance.
  Homer: Well, we all gotta go some time.
• Insurance Man: And this "Moe's" is this some sort of business?
  Homer's brain: Don't say you were at a bar, don't say you were at a bar... But what eles is open at midnight?t
  Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Marge Simpson

• Mur-mur.
• (After having finished vacuuming removes an indignant Maggie out of the brown bag and says:) No one will ever know.
• Go home, Mrs. Muntz. And try not to have intercourse on the way!
• Grocery shopping is so exciting! It's like unwrapping presents from yourself.
• Have you been up all night eating cheese?
• Hey! They're doing a documentary on Canadian Graffiti! (Cuts to a spraypainted sign saying 'Obey the Rules')
• History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.
• Homer, I don’t want to leave Springfield. I’ve dug myself into a happy little rut here and I’m not about to hoist myself out of it
• Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it.
• I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn't.
• I'd like to visit that Long Island Place, if only it were real. (drinking a Long Island Iced Tea)
• It was pretty exciting. But celery's pretty exciting too
• Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
• You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
• Now if you'll excuse me I have some dust that needs busting.
• Now let's all forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
• Now that's what I call breakneck speed!
• Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
• She's such a butt-hole.
• Well, Bart, your Great Uncle Horace used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all, and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day put his theory into practice. It took 75 federal marshalls to bring him down. Now let's never speak of him again.
• That boy failed show-and-tell but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes. (about Bart)
• They should call it a Tall Island Iced Tea. (about Long Island Iced Tea)
• You can't say 'sex' on the internet!!
• You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
• You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
• Bart, stop pestering Satan!
• (After Lisa implies that God might be female) HER?! (addressing God) She's just kidding, Mister Lord!
• (After Bart hears that the family cannot afford a life-saving operation to cure Santa's Little Helper's twisted stomach, then says "Darn right, I'm upset!") "Bart! Watch your language.... oh.. you did. Sorry"
• You should listen to your heart, not the voices in your head. Like a certain uncle did one grave December morn...

Dialogs with Marge

• Marge: [Mutters during prayer]
  Psychiatrist: Excuse, what are you doing?
  Marge: I'm praying to God that you won't find me insane.
  Psychiatrist: I see, and this "God" is he in this room right now?
  Marge: Well, yes, He's pretty much everywhere.
  Psychiatrist: [Looks at other psychiatrists and shakes his head]
• Marge: No! Let's hear him out! He kind of looks like Walter Mondale.
  Janitor/Walter Mondale: Yeah... Looks like.
• Marge (In Toronto): I see you drive on the left up here.
  Driver: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.
• Marge: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey Jr. is shooting it out with the police!
  (shows a building where Robert Downey Jr. is exchanging gunfire with a dozen cops)
  Bart: I don't see any cameras.
• Homer: Marge, what were your gambling losses last year?
  Marge: Seven hundred dollars.
• Marge: My life is pretty boring. The other day some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door and I wouldn't let them leave. They finally snuck away when I went to make lemonade.
  Homer: Yeah, lemonade is good.
• Marge: (to Lisa) You look so sucessful! Like you're the wife of a businessman!
  Homer: I wish I'd married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things.

Bart Simpson

• Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
• Aye, caramba!
• But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
• Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
• Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
• Don't have a cow man!
• Don't worry, all the murderers are long dead! And I'm sure that their ghosts are in hell.
• Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are going to run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just twelve miles to Africa.
• Eat my shorts!
• Greta Wolfcastle: Goodbye, Bart. My dad's filming a movie in Toronto.
  Bart: You're going to Spain!?
• Lisa in trouble? Ha! The ironing is delicious. (After seeing Lisa write "I will not do math in class" on the chalkboard.)
• He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun. But it was the perfect place to shoot him. (While standing near Homer's head as a trophy on the wall)
• I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
• I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress— Hmm, that gives me an idea. Note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
• I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, you can't prove anything!
• I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
• I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
• I think it's ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas.
• I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
• I didn't do it!
  (When he accidentally became the "I didn't do it" kid on Krusty's show.)
• I'm on TV now. It's my job to be repetitive. Being repetitive is my job. Repetitiveness is my job.
  (When coming to terms with being the "I didn't do it" kid.)
• I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
• Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
• It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing...We're gonna live like kings...Damn-Hell as kings!!
• It's craptacular.
• It's Fuhrerific. (Referring to what is claimed to be Hitler's car)
• No. We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!
  (When arguing that the Springfield kids should not expose their parents' hypocrisy on the internet.)
• Not even I would do that, and I'm America's bad boy!
  (Upon learning that Homer escaped from the hospital to avoid donating a kidney to his own father)
• Oh my god, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican!
• Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
• That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!
• There's no such thing as a soul. It's just some stuff they came up with to scare kids, like the bogger man, or Michael Jackson.

Other

Abraham Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

---

Chief Wiggum: No, You got the wrong number. This is 91..2.

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Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

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Lionel Hutz: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Schneider

Marge: Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog

Marge: You did?

Lionel Hutz: Yeah...if you replace the word "kinda" with repeatedly and the word "dog" with son...

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Rainier Wolfcastle: My new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly.

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Rainier Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost eighty million dollars.

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Rainier Wolfcastle: My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.

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Rainier Wolfcastle: My teenage son returns from a fancy East Coast college, and I'm horrified to discover he's a nerd.

Kent Brockman: I'm laughing already.

Rainier Wolfcastle: It's not a comedy.

---

Rainier Wolfcastle: Nice shirt. It makes you look like a homosexual.

[The audience boos.]

Rainier Wolfcastle: Maybe you all are homosexuals!

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Rainier Wolfcastle: Someone please, give me a job. I lowered my quote to $8 million. I do nude scene, I play nerd. Don't make me punch your throat!

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Rainier Wolfcastle: Der geeks shall inherit the Earth.

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Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!

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Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

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NASA Scientist:In a sense, we're all winners here today. But in another more accurate sense, Barney is the winner.

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Groundskeeper Willy: It won't last, brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!

Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.

Groundskeeper Willy: You just made an enemy for life!

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Rainer Wolfcastle: MY EYES! The goggles, they do nothing!!!

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ca:The Simpsons de:Die Simpsons es:Los Simpson fr:Les Simpson gl:The Simpsons he:משפחת סימפסון it:I Simpson nl:The Simpsons pt:Os Simpsons