Intolerable Cruelty

From BillionQuotes

Rex: My wife has me between a rock and a hard place.

Miles Massey: That's her job. You should respect that.

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness.

Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

Miles Massey: So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear.

Rex: Is it possible?

Miles Massey: It's a challenge.

Miles Massey: You fascinate me.

Gus Petch: You want tact, call a tactician. You want an ass nailed, you come see Gus Petch.

Miles Massey: I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.

Marylin Rexroth: Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.

Freddy Bender: No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.

Wrigley: Hear, hear.

Freddy Bender: Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house.

Wrigley: Miles's house.

Freddy Bender: Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.

Miles Massey: "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?

Freddy Bender: Objection, your honor.

Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?

Freddy Bender: Uh... poetry recitation.

Mrs. Gutman: Sometimes there would be a gizmo.

Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: A gizmo?

Mrs. Gutman: He had a device he called the Intruder. It was something he had the engineers at the factory design. And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.

Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: I see.

Mrs. Gutman: So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months.

Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: Several months without the appliance.

Mrs. Gutman: Yes.

Wrigley: Uh, I'll just have a, um, salad, please. Um, baby field greens.

Nero's Waitress: What did you call me?

Wrigley: Uh, no, I-I... I-I didn't call you anything.

Nero's Waitress: You want a salad?

Wrigley: Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?

Nero's Waitress: What the fuck color would it be?

Rex Rexroth: Have you sat before her before?

Miles Massey: No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.

Rex Rexroth: Well, have you sat after her before?

Wrigley: Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before?

Miles Massey: The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.

Rex Rexroth: So, have you argued before her before?

Wrigley: Before her before, or before she sat before?

Rex Rexroth: Before her before. I said, before her before.

Wrigley: No, you said before she sat before.

Rex Rexroth: I did at first, but...

Miles Massey: Look, don't argue.

Rex Rexroth: I'm not. I'm...

Wrigley: No, you don't argue. We argue.

Miles Massey: Counsel argues.

Wrigley: You appear.

Miles Massey: The judge sits.

Wrigley: Then you sit.

Miles Massey: Or you stand in contempt.

Wrigley: And then we argue.

Miles Massey: The counsel argues.

Rex Rexroth: Which you've done before.

Miles Massey: Which we've done before.

Rex Rexroth: Ah.

Wrigley: But not before her.

Marylin Rexroth: They bought Massey's argument. If I lied or cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any.

Sarah Sorkin: Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?

[Marylin's poodle bites Miles Massey on his hand]

Marylin Rexroth: Ow. Howard.

Miles Massey: Howard. You named him after your ex.

Marylin Rexroth: I'm sentimental.

Wrigley: Why are we eating here?

Nero's Waitress: What's his problem?

Miles Massey: Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing.

Nero's Waitress: And for you?

Miles Massey: Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.

Nero's Waitress: Slaw Cup?

Miles Massey: What the hell.

Donovan Donaly: Explain this away, darling!

Wrigley: What do you think?

Miles Massey: What are they, ladles?

Wrigley: Berry spoons.

Miles Massey: Spoons?

Wrigley: Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons.

Miles Massey: And nobody *needs* berry spoons.

Wrigley: Everybody eats berries.

Miles Massey: Who are you, Pollyanna? Where'd you see 'em at? A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings? Stadium seat ass-warmers?

Freddy Bender: If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.

Miles Massey: Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.

Freddy Bender: My client's ruled that out.

Miles Massey: My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.

Freddy Bender: That's a fart in a stiff wind.

Miles Massey: My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period.

Freddy Bender: My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.

Miles Massey: My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.

Miles Massey: All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy? [takes a drink of water]

Freddy Bender: My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets. [Miles spits out some water]

Miles Massey: Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with "Kershner"?

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" does not apply.

Miles Massey: Bring this to trial, we'll see if "Kershner" applies.

Rex: What's "Kershner"?

Miles Massey: Please, let me handle this.

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.

Miles Massey: "Kershner" was in Kentucky?

Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.

Miles Massey: All right, Freddy, forget "Kershner". What's your bottom line?

Freddy Bender: Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets.

Miles Massey: What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten "Kershner"?

Miles Massey: Sorry. I'm not omniscient.

Wrigley: Who needs a home when you've got a colostomy bag?

Miles Massey: Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common?

Wrigley: [thinks] Middle name?

[Wheezy Joe has just accidentally shot himself] Wrigley: Told him it was no go...

Miles Massey: [of Rex's wife] Has she retained counsel?

Rex: I don't know... She has Rottweilers.

Miles Massey: Not a good sign.

Miles Massey: [after ordering food for both of them] I assume you're a carnivore.

Marylin Rexroth: [laughing] Oh, Mr. Massey. You have *no* *idea*.

[repeated line] Gus Petch: I'm gonna nail your ass!

Herb Myerson: I'm going to talk to you about the law. We serve the law. We honor the law. And sometimes, we obey the law. But this is not one of those times.

[last lines] Gus Petch: We gonna make you laugh, we gonna make you cry, but most of all, we gonna [with audience]

Gus Petch: nail your ass!

Audience: [chanting] Nail your ass! Nail your ass! Nail your ass!

Bonnie Donaly: You should have seen this coming you Australian piece of shit!

Gus Petch: . . and those Rottweilers were a menace, man!

Miles Massey: I told you she had dogs.

Gus Petch: You didn't tell me they had a hard on for Anus Africanus!

Wrigley: Rex, sit!