Jack Dee
From BillionQuotes
Jack Dee, British stand-up comedian, b. 1964
- If you are allowed to smack children, you should be allowed to smack geriatrics as well, because they are just as much of a nuisance as children, if not more.
- My feeling is that women will never be equal to men...I think men are catching up in all kinds of ways.
- My grandfather died last week, and we buried him at sea. Well, I say we bureid him at sea; it was actually a village in north Wales at the time.
- [on pre-EU British passports] You used them to shove aside officials. "Out of my way Johnny-foreigner! Reason for visit? IMPERIALISM!"
- Unlike european mustards that bring out the subtle flavours of food, English mustard makes your nose bleed.
- People walk up to me and say "you're not as big as you are on telly are you?" Well, I don't know - how big's your fucking television?
- I've got a video that doesn't record the film, it just watches it and tells me what happens. "Oh Meryl Streep bought this farm somewhere, and she gets the clap. That's about it. I think Robert Redford gave it to her. To be honest I was flicking over to the football every five minutes, so..."
- I thought that I saw your name on a bag of bread, but when I reread it, it said "Thick Cut".
- I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus, and I pissed myself laughing.
- I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.
- I had a blowjob once. I didn't like the taste.
