Jack Handey

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Jack Handey is an American comic writer. He is most famous for his Deep Thoughts, a large corpus of surrealistic one-liner jokes. Deep Thoughts gained popularity when they were read on Saturday Night Live beginning in 1991.

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• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and so is mankind.

• I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

• Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

• One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

• Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

• The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

• If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting

• I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

• As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!

• My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

• If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.

• The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.