Stargate SG-1

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Stargate SG-1 is a science-fiction TV series that premiered on Showtime on 1997. After the fifth season, it moved to US Sci Fi Channel, where is still airing.

Contents

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Season 1

[edit]

Children of the Gods [1.1a and 1.1b]

Captain Carter: Amazing. This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it. It took us 15 years and 3 supercomputers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth. Look how small it is!
[Carter is meeting Daniel Jackson for the first time.]
Captain Carter: Dr. Jackson, I presume.
Captain Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
Col. O'Neill: I can save these people!!
[Teal'c points his staff at Jack.]
Col. O'Neill: Please! Help me, help me!
Teal'c: Many have said that.
[Teal'c suddenly turns and shoots another Jaffa.]
Teal'c: But you are the first I believed could do it!
[Teal'c has betrayed Apophis and all the refugees have fled, leaving him standing forlornly in the chamber.]
Col. O'Neill: Hey, come on!
Teal'c: I have nowhere to go.
O'Neill: For this you can stay at my place, let's go!
[edit]

The Enemy Within [1.2]

Captain Carter: If it doesn't, the fail-safe will activate, this entire mountain will be vaporized and there'll be nothing to worry about.
Teal'c: I will pledge my allegiance to this world.
Col. O'Neill: I'm just not sure that's ever going to be enough for them to trust you. To be honest with you, I think they're scared of you.
Teal'c: I understand.
Col. O'Neill: You must be used to that by now, huh?
Teal'c: I am a Jaffa. I have served as a warrior for your enemy. I have carried your enemy within me.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. Well it's kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don't know.
Teal'c: Why is O'Neill not afraid?
Col. O'Neill: Teal'c, I saw you stand up to a God. Refuse to kill, I saw you make that decision.
Teal'c: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: In that moment I learned everything I needed to know to trust you.
[edit]

Emancipation [1.3]

Teal'c: What is an Oprah?
Captain Carter: Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress.
Dr. Jackson: How is it that you always manage to come up with the worst case scenario?
Col. O'Neill: I practice.
[edit]

The Broca Divide [1.4]

Col. O'Neill: Carter tried to seduce me.
Dr. Jackson: You poor man.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: Lucy! I'm home!
Teal'c: I am not "Lucy".
[edit]

The First Commandment [1.5]

Col. O'Neill: Does it say colonel anywhere on my uniform?
Dr. Jackson: This tastes like chicken.
Captain Carter: So what's wrong with it?
Dr. Jackson: This is macaroni and cheese.
Captain Carter: You're sick and you need help. [points a gun at Hanson]
Captain Hanson: That's your idea of help?
[edit]

Cold Lazarus [1.6]

Dr. Jackson: [on a walkie-talkie]: Jack, we've finished our recon, loaded up FRED and are ready to head back through the Gate. Is this…am I using this right?
[edit]

Torment of Tantalus [1.9]

Col. O'Neill: Alright, basic survival training. We know what we have, what do we need?
Teal'c: [stating the obvious] We have the Stargate. We need the Dial Home Device.
Col. O'Neill: Thank you, Teal'c.
[edit]

Hathor [1.14]

Captain Carter: Yeah, my career is over.
Dr. Fraiser: Don't worry about it. I can fix him up as good as new when this thing is over.
Captain Carter: Great. So he can bring me up on charges.
[edit]

Solitudes [1.18]

[Carter and O'Neill are lying close to one another for warmth.]
Captain Carter: Sir?
Col. O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear.
[Daniel has just realised Carter and O'Neill are on Earth and this is why they can't dial in.]
Dr. Jackson: [to Teal'c] What do you get if you try dial your own phone…no, wrong person to ask—General Hammond, what do you get if you try to dial your own phone…
[edit]

Season 2

[edit]

The Serpent's Lair [2.1]

[SG-1 is about to complete a suicide mission.]
Col. O'Neill: Now, I suppose this is the time for me to say something profound. [pause] Nothing comes to mind, let's do it.
Col. O'Neill: We've been in worse situations then this.
Teal'c: Not to my knowledge.
Col. O'Neill: I think that Sam means, "What do we do now?"
Bra'tac: Now we die.
Col. O'Neill: Well that's a bad plan.
[edit]

Thor's Chariot [2.6]

Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.
Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device in order to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Col. O'Neill: General, I gave the order.
Dr. Jackson: I fired the staff weapon.
Captain Carter: And…I was there.
[edit]

Message in a Bottle [2.7]

Captain Carter: Like some sort of booby trap?
Teal'c: [confused] Booby?
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Col. O'Neill: It's wild horses, Teal'c.
[edit]

Secrets [2.9]

Col. O'Neill: It's 'O'Neill', with two L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L, and he has no sense of humor at all.
[This is a reference to the 1994 movie Stargate, in which a dour Kurt Russell plays Col. Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neil.]
[edit]

Bane [2.10]

Col. O'Neill: General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.
[edit]

The Tok'ra [2.11 and 2.12]

Teal'c: Chelnak!
Dr. Jackson: Direct translation: Very cool!
Jacob/Selmak: Apparently, I'm the oldest and wisest among us.
Captain Carter: Oh geez.
[edit]

Spirits [2.13]

Dr. Jackson: Jack?
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: Are you you?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah. You?
Dr. Jackson: What?
Col. O'Neill: Never mind.
Dr. Jackson: Don't shoot! Just let them tend to Zales.
Col. O'Neill: How do I know you're the real Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: …Because.
Col. O'Neill: [shrugs shoulders] …yeah, sure.
[edit]

Touchstone [2.14]

Col. Maybourne: Teal'c! It's good to see you well.
Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.
Col. Maybourne: Well, isn't that...interesting.
[edit]

The Fifth Race [2.15]

[Teal'c and Jack are sparring.]
Teal'c: What is the purpose of these gloves, O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: So we don't hurt each other…
[Teal'c looks at him doubtfully.]
Col. O'Neill: Okay, they're so you don't hurt me.
Col. O'Neill: There is nothing crouvus with me!
[edit]

Holiday [2.17]

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill have had their bodies switched.]
Teal'c: [in Col. O'Neill's body] The mission did not go as planned.
Col. O'Neill: [in Teal'c's body; sarcastically] Ya think?
Col. O'Neill: Describe for me the dress your sister wore when I took her out last week.
Dr. Jackson: I don't have a sister, and if I did, I wouldn't let you near her.
[edit]

Serpent's Song [2.18]

Apophis: I am worth far more to you than you will admit.
Col. O'Neill: You tell me what are you worth?
Apophis: Your people, they are still primitive. They will be destroyed.
Col. O'Neill: You don't look like you're up to it.
Apophis: Not me. There is another.
Col. O'Neill: Yeh? Who?
Apophis: There is much you would learn from me, Tau'ri. [breathes heavily] But for that knowledge there is a price.
[Col. O'Neill rolls his eyes.]
Apophis: A new host.
Col. O'Neill: [raises his eyebrows] A host?
Apophis: So that I may live. In exchange for all the knowledge of the Goa'uld. The secrets of star travel, our weapons, our power.
Col. O'Neill: All that…
Apophis: In time, more.
Col. O'Neill: [leans down] Go to hell.
Apophis: A single human life is worth so much you would risk a world?
Col. O'Neill: That's right. That's why they call us the good guys.
[Apophis lies back and exhales.]
Col. O'Neill: Doc, let me know when he dies.
[edit]

One False Step [2.10]

Dr. Jackson: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.
Col. O'Neill: I'm just saying that on a good day, you can be a little flaky.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah? Well, on a good day, you can be a little ignorant and condescending!
[edit]

1969 [2.21]

[A guard comes to get the SG-1 team.]
Guard: [in Russian] Are you Soviet spies?
Dr. Jackson: [in Russian] No.
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: He just asked if we were Soviet spies…oh.
Col. O'Neill: Or…
Captain Carter: I can't think of an 'or' at the moment, sir.
Dr. Jackson: No 'or'?
Col. O'Neill: There is an 'or'.
Dr. Jackson: There's an 'or'?
Captain Carter: Sir, you can't just will something to happen because you want it to be a certain way.
Col. O'Neill: Captain, where there's a will, there's an 'or'.
[Jack is being interrogated by a military officer in 1969.]
Maj. Thornberg: I'm Major Robert Thornberg. And you are?
Col. O'Neill: Captain James T Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise.
Maj. Thornberg: Your dogtags say otherwise.
Col. O'Neill: They're lying.
[Later, in the same scene.]
Col. O'Neill: I'll be honest with you Bob, my name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.
Maj. Thornberg: [shows Col. O'Neill the zat] What is this?
Col. O'Neill: I can't say.
Maj. Thornberg: Oh. State secret?
Col. O'Neill: No, just very hard to pronounce.
[SG-1 has traveled back in time and Carter has been adamant they cannot reveal they are from the future.]
Hippie: I'm Micheal.
Teal'c: I am not at liberty to reveal my identity.
Hippie: Far out.
Dr. Jackson: We have to go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners.
Col. O'Neill: How do we do that?
Dr. Jackson: Well, I speak 23 languages, Jack. Pick one.
Col. O'Neill: It's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Dr. Jackson: From a galaxy far, far away.
Dr. Jackson: So what's the plan?
Col. O'Neill: Find the stargate.
Dr. Jackson: Find the stargate? That's the plan?
Col. O'Neill: Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?
[edit]

Out Of Mind [2.22]

Hathor: [appears from out of nowhere] Silence!
Col. O'Neill: Oh, I was so hoping never to see you again.
[edit]

Season 3

[edit]

Into The Fire [3.1]

Dr. Jackson: It's just a deep bleeding gash, but it'll be fine.
Hathor: How do we contact the Asgard, so that we might ally with their forces?
Col. O'Neill: Try Roswell—little place in New Mexico.
Col. O'Neill: I've got some bad news for you. Hathor's dead.
Major General Trofsky: She is not. Hathor cannot die.
Col. O'Neill: Yep. She is. Killed her myself.
Major General Trofsky: Hathor is a goddess.
Col. O'Neill: All right, ex-goddess.
[edit]

Seth [3.2]

Col. O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.
Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill. A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's…nose drips.
[Teal'c bursts into laughter.]
Col. O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Dr. Jackson: They were turned into eunuchs.
Col. O'Neill: Eunuchs as in…snip-a-dee do-da? Sweet.
Seth: Welcome. Who are you?
Col. O'Neill: Well I'm Larry, this is Moe, and of course, everyone's favorite, Curly.
Col. O'Neill: So help me. If I wake up, and I'm singing soprano…
[edit]

Learning Curve [3.5]

Col. O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I am eleven. How old are you?
Col. O'Neill: So…Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
[edit]

Deadman Switch [3.7]

Aris Boch: You were thinking of the Goa'uld personal shields. The ones which allow slower-moving objects to pass through. That would hardly make a good trap, now, would it?
Col. O'Neill: Can't blame a girl for trying.
Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
Dr. Jackson: I'm an archaeologist.
Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor.
Dr. Jackson: …of archaeology.
Aris Boch: And as for you, Colonel O'Neill, you've just been a pain in the "mikta".
Col. O'Neill: [looks over at Teal'c] Neck?
Teal'c: No.
[edit]

Demons [3.8]

Dr. Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They…well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
Col. O'Neill: Thus…saving the person?
Dr. Jackson: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.
Col. O'Neill: Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
Col O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.
[edit]

Rules of Engagement [3.9]

Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Col. O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?
Captain Kyle Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. [slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Col. O'Neill: And that information could save your life one day.
[edit]

Foothold [3.14]

Major Carter: Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn't you have taken one day off?
[edit]

Pretense [3.15]

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Col. O'Neill: Is that a 'money back if you're not completely alive' guarantee?
[edit]

Urgo [3.16]

Gen. Hammond: Are we absolutely sure that SG1 is—what's the word for it?
Dr. Frasier: Sane?
Urgo: I want to live! I want to experience the universe! I want to eat pie!
Col O'Neill: Who doesn't?
Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
Col. O'Neill: Carter?
Major Carter: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some kind of visual communication interface controlled hallucination.
Col. O'Neill: So…I…what?
Urgo: He gets confused. By the way: who is Mary Steenburgen?
Urgo: Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're gonna say, ooohhh, how did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion? Woof!
Col. O'Neill: Years from now?
Dr. Jackson: Woof?!
Col. O'Neill: Well, let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with...him yapping away inside our heads?
Urgo: [whispering to Carter] Yes. Say 'yes.'
Col. O'Neill: Or do we want to take the chance so we an get on with out lives?
Urgo: [whispering to Carter] No. Say 'no.'
Col. O'Neill: [derisive] I'm sure you'll enjoy Urgo's presence just as much as we have.
Urgo: Ha, I knew you'd like me!
[edit]

Maternal Instinct [3.20]

Col. O'Neill: If we make it out of here alive, remind me to harm Daniel severely.
[edit]

Crystal Skull [3.21]

Dr. Jackson: You can see me?
Nick Ballard: Yes, Daniel, I can see you.
Dr. Jackson: [exasperated] Why didn't you say something?!
Nick Ballard: You're not real, so it doesn't mean anything.
Dr. Jackson: No, no, I'm real! You're not hallucinating.
Nick Ballard: Hallucinations always say that.
Nick Ballard: Forgive me, he is here. Daniel is here.
Dr. Jackson: Repeat what I'm saying; I'm standing right beside you.
Nick Ballard: Standing right beside me.
Col. O'Neill: He's lost a few pounds.
Dr. Jackson: Jack, don't be an ass!
Nick Ballard: Jack, don't be an ass.
Teal'c: Dr Rothman is now studying it.
O’Neill: Rothman couldn’t figure out an ashtray. The guy we need working on that skull is DANIEL.
Teal'c: It is he whom we endeavour to locate, O’Neill.
O’Neill: Look, I’m sick of laying around. Help me up.
Teal'c: Dr Frasier believes you are not strong enough to undertake such a mission.
O’Neill: Yeah, whatever.

[He tries to get up and succeeds in rolling off the bed and onto the floor.]

Teal'c: Dr Frasier is usually correct in such matters.

[He bends down and hauls O’Neill back onto the bed to lie facedown.]

O’Neill[muffled]: Thank you.
Teal'c: You are welcome, O’Neill.
[edit]

Season 4

[edit]

The Other Side [4.2]

Col. O'Neill: [to Carter] Didn't I order you to get a life?
Col. O'Neill: Next time I tell you to shut up--
Dr. Jackson: You didn't say that.
Col. O'Neill: What, was I too subtle for you?
Dr. Jackson: For once, yes.
Dr. Jackson: Their world is in flames and we're offering them gasoline!
Teal'c: We are in fact offering them water.
[edit]

Upgrades [4.3]

Major Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're disobeying a direct order?
Dr. Jackson: We'll, it's not like we haven't disobeyed orders before.
Major Carter: Yes, but that was to save Earth.
Col. O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?
Gen. Hammond: Witnesses say there was a brawl!
Col. O'Neill: More of a scuffle, sir.
Gen. Hammond: You're lucky you didn't kill any of those men!
Col. O'Neill: No, sir, we were very careful about that.
Col. O'Neill: Should have brought more snacks.
Waitress: What can I get you?
Col. O'Neill: Three of the biggest steaks you've got.
Major Carter:: Me too. And French fries with mine. Oh, and a diet soda.
[The waitress leaves. Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson give Major Carter a weird look.]
Major Carter: What? I like the taste better.
Gen. Hammond: I thought the devices were supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid.
Col. O'Neill: Well, this is a cliché.
[edit]

Divide and Conquer [4.5]

Col. O'Neill: I'd rather have died myself than lose Carter.
Anise: Why?
Col. O'Neill: Because I care about her. Way more than I'm supposed to.
Freya: Anise, my symbiote, is far more interested in Doctor Jackson on an intellectual level, but she would have to suffer.
Col. O'Neill: Look, there are so many reasons this is wrong... and weird... and wrong? Did I mention wrong?
Freya: Is it because I share my body with Anise?
Col. O'Neill: For starters.
Freya: Do you not find me attractive?
Col. O'Neill: Oh, you're...
Col. O'Neill: She made a pass at me
Dr. Jackson: [confused] Sam?
Col. O'Neill: Anise, Freya, one of them.
Dr. Jackson: Really?
Col. O'Neill: The host half.
Dr. Jackson: Uh, that's odd.
Col. O'Neill: You're tellin' me. Odd timing, too, don't ya think?
Dr. Jackson: Yes.
Col. O'Neill: Apparently, the snake likes you.
Dr. Jackson: Really?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
[edit]

Window of Opportunity [4.6]

Col. O'Neill: We've done this!
Dr. Jackson: We do this every day.
Col. O'Neill: I'm not talking about briefings in general, Daniel, I'm talking about this briefing; this day.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
Dr. Jackson: Since when?
Col. O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.
Major Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.
Col. O'Neill: Yes we have. [points at Dr. Jackson] No, we haven't. That's what you were going to say.
Dr. Jackson: Of course that's what I was going to say.
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Okay, bad example.
Col O'Neill: Look, General, if it were just me, I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Is this the face of a crazy man!?
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Bad example.
Col. O'Neill: What kind of archeologist carries a weapon?
Dr. Jackson: Uhhh…I do.
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Bad example.
[Col. O'Neill is undergoing a medical examination. Dr. Frasier checks his pupils with a penlight.]
Col. O'Neill I ask you. What could possibly be in my eye that could explain this?!
Teal'c: O'Neill, should we not be assisting Daniel Jackson with the translation?
Col. O'Neill: I'm taking this loop off.
[Col. O'Neill starts spraying an empty plate with ketchup and mustard.]
Col. O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm going to lose it.
[Teal'c raises an eyebrow.]
Col. O'Neill: Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal.
(Col. O'Neill holds up his plate, which now has a crazed smiley face on it.]
Col. O'Neill: WACKO!
[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are driving golf balls through the Stargate while it's connected.]
Col. O'Neill: How far is Alaris, anyway?
Teal'c: Several billion miles, O'Neill.
Col. O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are driving golf balls through the Stargate while it's connected.]
Gen. Hammond: [over the speaker] Colonel, what the hell are you doing?!
Col. O'Neill: In the middle of my backswing?!
Dr. Jackson: I don't think I've ever seen anyone enjoy oatmeal so much.
Col. O'Neill: When you've been eating Froot Loops for who knows how long, a little variety helps.
Major Carter: We got a message from the Tok'ra. Apparently they've been trying to contact us for over three months.
Col. O'Neill: Really?
Major Carter: Who knows when they first realized we were cut off. I mean, there's really no telling how much time passed.
Dr. Jackson: Let me ask you something. In all the time you were…looping, were you ever tempted to…do something crazy? I mean, you could do anything without worrying about consequences.
Col. O'Neill: You know, it's funny, you've asked me that before.
Col. O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop, Daniel asks me a question…and I wasn't listening the first time.
[At the beginning of every time loop, a man accidentally slams a door into Teal'c's face]
Man: I'm sorry, sir, I didn't see you there.
Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions.
Man: I--I--what?
Teal'c: Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.
[edit]

Watergate [4.7]

Col. O'Neill: How do you know that?
Dr. Markov: I have read extensive files on each of you.
Col. O'Neill: How?
Dr. Markov: I learned to read English when I was six. It was not difficult.
Col. O'Neill: …Russian humor.
Col. O'Neill: If I ask you what, and you say it's classified, I'm gonna shoot you.
Dr. Markov: If you're insinuating that everything Russian-made is of poor quality, the sub is Swiss.
Dr. Jackson: So it occassionally catches fire but keeps perfect time?
Teal'c: Do not humans usually die when they are frozen?
[edit]

The First Ones [4.8]

Dr. Jackson: [breathing heavily] If you don't mind…I've gone about as far as I can…at this particular pace…so with your permission…I'm just gonna fall down now.
Dr. Jackson: This is nothing you should be worried about. It's just a radio. It's so that my friends can come find me…and shoot you.
Dr. Jackson: Kaa kedka!
Major Carter: What did you just say?
Dr. Jackson: I think I just asked him not to kill me.
Col. O'Neill: And he's buying that?
Dr. Jackson: No, I don't think so.
[edit]

The Serpent's Venom [4.14]

Major Carter: Ok, it's flashing green. Is that good?
Dr. Jackson: No.
Major Carter: Bad?
Dr. Jackson: Bad.
Major Carter: How bad?
Dr. Jackson: Very bad.
Major Carter: DAD!
[edit]

The Light [4.18]

Major Carter: What are we looking for?
Col. O'Neill: The off switch.
[edit]

Season 5

[edit]

Threshold [5.2]

[Teal'c is remembering an argument he once had with his wife]

Teal'c: Do not test my temper, woman!
Dr. Jackson: [startled] Woman? Did he just call me a woman?
Col. O'Neill: Yes, I believe he did.
[edit]

Ascension [5.3]

Major Carter: Tense? Me? I'm not tense. Am I? When did you first notice?
Col. O'Neill: As we met.
Orlin: I did not think I would be able to get back to your stargate—
Major Carter: So you made one?
Orlin: Sort of. It will not dial multiple addresses and it may burn out after one use.
Major Carter: Wait, let me get this straight. You made this…with items you bought off the Internet?
Orlin: Mostly. Oh yes…you're going to need a new toaster.
Teal'c: I have heard of a place where humans do battle in a ring of jello.
Col. O'Neill: Call Daniel.
Col. O'Neill: We brought dinner and a movie.
Teal'c: Star Wars.
Col. O'Neill: You've seen it what, eight times?
Teal'c: Nine.
Col. O'Neill: *Nine* times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be OK.
Major Carter: You've never seen Star Wars? (directed at Col. O'Neill)
[edit]

The Fifth Man [5.4]

Dr. Jackson: You know, I would've asked him, but I was too busy being unconscious after he shot me with that zat you gave him.
[edit]

The Tomb [5.8]

[Dr. Jackson has just recieved a telephone call informing him that a Russian SG team will soon be arriving.]
Dr. Jackson: [to Major Carter and Col. O'Neill] The Russians are coming.
Dr. Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone, and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.
[edit]

Desperate Measures [5.11]

Col. O'Neill: I want sleeves on my vest.
[edit]

48 Hours [5.14]

Col. Maybourne: Hi, Jack.
Col. O'Neill: You rat bastard!
Col. Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey... take it easy.
Col. O'Neill: I am so gonna kick your ass!
Col. Maybourne: There's witnesses!
Col. O'Neill: I don't care!
Major Carter: Is there any chance you can get the Russians to give us their DHD?
Dr. Jackson: Not without giving back Alaska.
Major Carter: That's how the Pentagon came up with the 48 hour limit, isn't it? You told them Teal'c would be dead.
Dr. McKay: That's why it's called a deadline.
[The Russian DHD has overloaded.]
Dr. Jackson: Wow. That never happened in the simulations.
[edit]

The Warrior [5.18]

K'tano: I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau'ri. Slayers of Ra, Hathor, Setesh, Heru'ur, Sokar, Cronos and Apophis.
Col. O'Neill: Well, somebody's been keeping score! Colonel Jack O'Neill.
K'tano: A familiar name. Cursed by every Goa'uld. Imhotep himself declared your days were numbered.
Col. O'Neill: Well that's fine. As long as it's a very big number.
[edit]

Season 6

[edit]

Redemption Part 1 [6.1]

Major Carter: Inertial dampeners?
Col. O'Neill: Cool…and check! … Phasers?
Major Carter: Sorry, sir!
[edit]

Nightwalkers [6.5]

Jonas: Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here.
Major Carter: What are you talking about?
Jonas: Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders INCLUDING my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep.
[Jonas is having a burger, fries, and milkshake for lunch. Sam arrives just in time to see him dunk a fry in the shake and eat it.]
Major Carter: Nice…lunch.
Jonas: Mmmm. I'm really starting to enjoy this "traditional American food".
Major Carter: We have another tradition. It's called "hardened arteries".
[edit]

Abyss [6.6]

Ba'al: Do you not know the pain you will suffer for this impudence?
Col. O'Neill: I don't know the meaning of the word. Seriously, impudence, what does that mean?
Col. O'Neill: That's it? Ball? As in…boccie?
Dr. Jackson: Look, I know you don't think so…right now, I mean, I know you have your doubts, but uh…because you've been through something that no one should have to go through...I guess what I'm trying to say is…you're going to be alright.
Col. O'Neill How do you know?
Dr. Jackson: You're just going to have to trust me.
Dr. Jackson: I'm energy now…
Col. O'Neill: How's that working out for you?
Dr. Jackson: Good actually. Very…
Col. O'Neill: Good.
Dr. Jackson: Very good.
Col. O'Neill: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.
Dr. Jackson: I can't…
Col. O'Neill: Why not?
Dr. Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Col. O'Neill: You're interfering right now.
Dr. Jackson: No, I'm not.
Col. O'Neill: Yes, you are.
Dr. Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.
Dr. Jackson: Hi, Jack. [waves]
Col. O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Jackson: I leave and look at the mess you get yourself into.
[edit]

The Other Guys [6.8]

Col. O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition…bastard!
[edit]

Unnatural Selection [6.12]

Col. O'Neill: What's the matter with you guys? Time machines are nothing but trouble—even we know that!
Major Carter: So what didn't they go for?
Col. O'Neill: The name I suggested.
Major Carter: For the ship?
Col. O'Neill: Yeah.
Major Carter: Yeah sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.
Col. O'Neill: Why not?
[edit]

Disclosure [6.17]

British Ambassador: I am a bit dubious that not one but two reported meteors in the last few years were in fact alien ships.
Major Davis: Actually, there were three.
Thor: Senator Kinsey, O'Neill suggested I send you to a distant planet for your actions here. I am reasonably certain his statement was in jest.
Senator Kinsey: I'm sure it was, Commander…
Thor: [raises his finger] Supreme Commander.
[edit]

Full Circle [6.22]

[Jack O'Neill has just finished taunting the villainous Herak]
Jonas: Is it really necessary to antagonize him?
[pause]
Col. O'Neill: Yes.
Major Carter: The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn't keep his deal with Daniel.
Col. O'Neill: That's a shock, eh?
[edit]

Season 7

[edit]

Fallen [7.1]

[Col. O'Neill and Major Carter are testing out a new fighter, the F-302.]
Col. O'Neill: I want to see what this thing's made of.
Major Carter: I could tell you exactly, sir.
Col. O'Neill: Another time, maybe. Please.
[edit]

Fragile Balance [7.3]

Dr. Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so…Sam's just gonna come right out and say it.
Gen. Hammond: Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has, somehow, regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Dr. Jackson: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Dr. Jackson: Well, there was the time he got really old, the time he became a caveman, the time we all swapped bodies…
[Teal'c is looking through Col. O'Neill's fridge.]
Teal'c: Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
Col. O'Neill: Hey, come on, that salsa's still good.
[edit]

Orpheus [7.4]

Col. O'Neill: It's time for Plan B.
Major Carter: We have a Plan B?
Col. O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed me that I have my mojo back.
Col. O'Neill: Come on Teal'c, don't gimme the eyebrow!
[edit]

Lifeboat [7.6]

Teal'c: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.
Col. O'Neill: I dare you to say that again.
[edit]

Enemy Mine [7.7]

Col. O'Neill: Daniel, go to your happy place.
Dr. Jackson: I guess I just spent a lot of time breaking you in, I just didn't want to have to start with a new colonel.
[edit]

Space Race [7.8]

Dr. Jackson: You're just sore that you lost.
Major Carter: Well, come on. It wasn't fair! Bunch of cheaters…
Dr. Jackson: So, whatcha gonna do?
Major Carter: Next year, I'm gonna kick butt.
[edit]

Avenger 2.0 [7.9]

Major Carter: It's an energy-based weapon, sir. It could, potentially, replace the missiles on the X-303.
Col. O'Neill: Phaser?
Chloe: More like a photon torpedo.
[edit]

Chimera [7.15]

Major Carter: I feel compelled to warn you, most of the guys I've dated recently have died.
[Major Carter begins humming the show's theme music as she and Col. O'Neill ride an elevator.]
Col. O'Neill: Humming?
Major Carter: I am?
Col. O'Neill: You are.
Major Carter: Sorry.
Col. O'Neill: What's his name?
Major Carter: Now, why would you…
Col. O'Neill: Humming.
Major Carter: Pete.
Gen. Hammond: You're saying Osiris is here on Earth probing Daniel's mind?
Major Carter: Yes, we think that.
Col. O'Neill: Kinky.
[edit]

Heroes, Part 2 [7.18]

Major Carter: Janet Fraiser was an extraordinary person. She was kind and funny and talented. Above all, she was courageous. Try as I might I could not find the words to honor her, to do justice to her life. Thankfully I got some help. While words alone may not be enough, there are some names that might do. We often talk about those that give their lives in the service of their country, and while Janet Fraiser did just that, that's not what her life was about. The following are the names of the men and women who did not die in service, but who are in fact alive today because of Janet.
[edit]

Lost City [7.21]

Dr. Jackson: [drunk] Oh come on! Teal'c is the deepest person I know. Come on Teal'c, tell him how deep you are. You'll be surprised if you can even understand this.
Teal'c: My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Dr. Jackson: You see, you see!
Col. O'Neill: Ok, no more beer for you.
[Talking to Dr. Jackson over the phone]
Col. O'Neill: No, no, no, wait. Don't hang up. I need a seven-letter word.
Dr. Jackson: I told Sam I wouldn't help you.
Col. O'Neill: Well then, this will be the *one* thing she doesn't know. Up, Down, Charmed... Blank.
Dr. Jackson: Strange.
Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, thanks anyway.
Dr. Jackson: No, the word you're looking for is... [O'Neill hangs up]
Dr. Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Dr. Jackson: Subtle, huh?
Dr. Weir: I've been awake all weekend. The reality of this is…it's an adrenaline rush.
Dr. Jackson: Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!
[Anubis has announced his plan to invade Earth.]
Col. O'Neill: Three days from now's a Thursday. Thursday's no good for us.
Col. O'Neill: And you are?
Dr. Weir: I am, Doctor Elizabeth Weir.
Vice President Kinsey: You can just call her your one hope of ever stepping through the stargate again.
Col. O'Neill: Bit of a mouthful.
Dr. Weir: I know I'm playing catch-up, but uh, I understand time is short.
Col. O'Neill: Actually it's all relative, ma'am; Carter could explain it better if we had more time.
Dr. Jackson: Jack what are you doing?
Col. O'Neill: At.
Major Carter: What?
Col. O'Neill: At.
Dr. Jackson: This.
Col. O'Neill: That.
Dr. Jackson: That is at?
Col. O'Neill: And you can stop that.
Anubis: I am Anubis.
[President Hayes steps forward.]
President Hayes: You've got to be kidding!
Anubis: You are the leader of this world?
President Hayes: Henry Hayes, President of the United States of America, one nation among many.
Anubis: No more. Bow before your god.
President Hayes' [laughs] I don't think so! However, I am willing to discuss your surrender.
Anubis: If you possessed weapons matching mine, you would have used them.
President Hayes: Don't let the suit fool you, fella. We're gonna fight you.
Anubis: You bring destruction upon yourselves.
President Hayes: [pointedly] Never going to happen.
[The hologram of Anubis disappears; President Hayes turns around to face the others.]
President Hayes: Too much?
[Master Bra'tac comes through the Stargate, walks down the ramp and gives Dr. Weir an odd look.]
Dr. Jackson: This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She's the new leader of this facility.
[Dr. Weir extends her hand.]
Dr. Weir: Hello.
Bra'tac: Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?
Dr. Weir: Oh, no sir, he's fine!
[edit]

Season 8

[edit]

New Order, Parts 1 & 2 [8.1 and 8.2]

Col. O'Neill: I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the Man. If I do this, I'll be the Man. I don't think I can be the Man.
[edit]

Lockdown [8.3]

Dr. Jackson: It wasn't because you're a Russian. Jack's an equal opportunity offender.
Gen. O'Neill: You're not supposed to be walking around.
Dr. Jackson: It's my arm.
Gen. O'Neill: You were shot.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, you shot me.
Gen. O'Neill: He can pass through walls, Carter. He's welcome to leave any time.
[edit]

Prometheus Unbound [8.12]

Dr. Jackson: Uh, the name's Olo. Hans Olo.
[edit]

Citizen Joe [8.15]

Dr. Jackson: Jack?
Gen. O'Neill: He's a barber.
Dr. Jackson: Walk into your house?
Gen. O'Neill: Yeah...
Dr. Jackson: Second week in a row.
Gen. O'Neill: Mmmh-hmm.
Dr. Jackson: Alarm.
Gen. O'Neill: I'm thinking "dog".
Joe Spencer: You could try locking your front door.
[edit]

Reckoning, Part 1 [8.16]

Gen. O'Neill: I've got a better idea, instead of helping you, why don't we sit around and watch you get your ass kicked? That way you'll be dead, and we'll be glad.
Ba'al: You can't be serious.
Gen. O'Neill: Yes I can, I just choose not to, some of the time.
Ba'al: With your insolence you're dooming not just your world but all of humanity.
Gen. O'Neill: I think big.
Sgt. Harriman: I'm sure he'll be here any second now. [awkward pause] So umm…
Gen. O'Neill: I am so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.
Ba'al: Impudence.
Gen. O'Neill: No, tuna.
[edit]

Threads [8.18]

[In a Ascended-plane "waffle house", "waitress" Oma chats with Daniel.]
Daniel Jackson: Can you tell me why you stopped me from killing Anubis the last time I was Ascended?
Oma Desala: Because if I didn't stop you, the others would have, and they wouldn't have been as nice about it.
Daniel Jackson: You mean, they wouldn't have erased my memory and left me naked on a planet?
Oma Desala: That was your choice.
[He gives her a look. She grins.]
Oma Desala: Okay. Maybe not the naked part.
[edit]

Reckoning, Part 2 [8.17]

Gen. O'Neill: Y'know Siler, I expect to be put into your will after this.
Sgt. Siler: Already in it, sir.
Gen. O'Neill: Okay, that's…weird.
Lt. Col. Carter: You blow up one sun and everyone expects you to walk on water!
[What they are attempting suddenly works.]
Lt. Col. Carter: Next up, parting the Red Sea!
[edit]

Moebius, Parts 1 & 2 [8.19 and 8.20]

[In an alternate timeline, Carter is practicing what she wants to say to her male boss.]
Samantha Carter: Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't—God that's horrible! Who would ever say that?
[Versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have travelled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C., where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]
Dr. Jackson: Well, this can't be a good sign.
Gen. O'Neill: Why's that?
Dr. Jackson: Where am I?
Gen. O'Neill: Ancient Egypt?
Dr. Jackson: No, I mean the me from your timeline.
Teal'c: I killed you.
Dr. Jackson: Why?
Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld spy.
Dr. Jackson: Good reason.
Lt Col. Carter: It was horrible.
Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?
Gen. O'Neill: Yes, excellent question.
Daniel Jackson: You don't know?
Gen. O'Neill: Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realised I…didn't.
Daniel Jackson: Well, I know why I'm here.
[edit]

Season 9

[edit]

Avalon Part 1 [9.1]

Vala Mal Doran: I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.
Vala Mal Doran: Yeah! Let's make babies!
Dr. Jackson: This pot says 'The universe is infinite.'
Vala Mal Doran: That seems infinitely useless; what does this one say?
Dr. Jackson: 'The treasure is in this pot.'
Vala Mal Doran: Really?
[edit]

Avalon Part 2 [9.2]

Vala Mal Doran: I think at first it's what I didn't say. You see, apparently there's a blessing you're supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it's what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation…with herself."
[edit]

Origin [9.3]

Dr. Jackson: It is we who must seek the truth of the universe in order to achieve enlightenment…been down this road before.
Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry to interrupt, but uhm…if you brought us here to try and convert us, it is fair to tell you that we are really not in the market for new gods.
[edit]

The Ties that Bind [9.4]

[about Vala]
Gen. Landry: She accused the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee of having a, uh, let's just call it an 'inappropriate manhood.' She's gotta go.
[edit]

The Fourth Horseman, Part 1 [9.10]

Gen. Hank Landry: Colonel Carter, I've read your proposal.
Lt. Col. Carter: And?
Gen. Landry: And I'm not exactly sure what an aneurysm feels like, but I suspect I'm pretty close.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Dr. Lee: I admit it's a pretty sound theory. Pardon the pun. '[[chuckles] Ultra-sonic waves. [laughs] Uhh, that's good. Anyway…
Dr. Lee: Well, trying to achieve something as specific as isolating one small part of the brain is like…it's like…trying to do something that's impossible.
Lt. Col. Carter: Good analogy.
Gen. Landry: According to the mission report on your first encounter with Orlin, you two had an…"intimate" relationship?
Lt. Col. Carter: Uh, well, we did. But, uh, he didn't look like that. He was…
Dr. Lam: Taller?
Lt. Col. Carter: He was a grown man.
Dr. Lee: You know, I keep telling myself that one of these days I'm going to do something that gets me a little respect.
Dr. Jackson: We're all waiting for that day, Bill.
[edit]

The Fourth Horseman, Part 2 [9.11]

Prior: It makes no difference what you do to me. Know this: The Ori are all-seeing! They are already aware of this…affront to their enemies and shall strike down those who defy them.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: [shrugs] Nothing yet, you?
Dr. Jackson: Drawing a blank [pause] little thirsty.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: That doesn't count.
Dr. Jackson: No, it doesn't.
Prior: Their ways are unseen and veiled in mystery.
Dr. Jackson: Right, right, they have a "plan".
Prior: We're beacons on the road to enlightenment.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: No, you are dark-side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen, but unfortunately, the home office hasn't been quite upfront with you.
Dr. Jackson: Nice work on the metaphor.
Dr. Jackson: For starters: Did you know, the Ori need people to worship them to gain their power?
[Prior says nothing.]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: He didn't know…
Dr. Jackson: No, he didn't know that. No, it's true.
Gen. Landry: I'm telling you, I'm fine! [to his daughter] Carolyn, can you tell those people I'm fine?
Dr. Lam: You're not fine.
Sodan Jaffa: How will we know the Prior is no longer able to use his powers?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Well, someone has just gonna test it and find out.
[The Jaffa look worried.]
Lt. Col. Mitchell: No worry fellas, that someone is me.
[edit]

Ethon [9.15]

Jared Kane: Do you ever give up?
Dr. Jackson: Not till I'm dead…and sometimes not even then.
[edit]

Off the Grid [9.16]

Gen. Landry: An eventful few days. Debrief in one hour.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: We have got the best jobs in the world, don't we?
Lt. Col. Carter: I'm gonna hit the shower.
Dr. Jackson: I'm gonna find the doctor.
Teal'c: We are indeed suitably employed.
[edit]

Crusade [9.19]

Teal'c: You have been impregnated, without copulation.
Vala Mal Doran: Yes! And I'm absolutely terrified - have any of you ever heard anything like it?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: W-Well.. there is one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala Mal Doran: Really? How did that turn out?
[edit]

Camelot [9.20]

Dr. Jackson: It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen a lot of legends and folklore have a strong basis in fact—Avalon, Atlantis…
Teal'c: The Easter bunny.
Dr. Jackson: I guess there's a few exceptions.
Dr. Jackson: Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: No, I wasn't sleeping. Was Kel'noreming, Teal'c tought me the fundamentals.
Dr. Jackson: Did he mention you should remain conscious in the process?
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Yeah, I'm still working on the basics.
Dr. Jackson: Uh, oh.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: What's 'uh, oh'?
Dr. Jackson: Nothing happened.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
[someone screams]
Jackson & Mitchell: Bad.
Merlin: Greetings, friend. I am Merlin. The prize you seek, like the pendulum swing, marks the passage of all that is before you.
Dr. Jackson: Look, you're making a mistake. There is no curse. The black knight is a security feature created by Merlin through the use of science and advanced technology. There is no magic invol---
[SG-1 is beamed aboard the Odyssey]
Dr. Jackson: There is no magic.
[Jackson and Mitchell are beamed aboard the Korolev]
Dr. Jackson: Boy, my timing's off today.
[edit]

Taglines

Unlock The Universe
At the edge of the universe lies a gateway to adventure
Saving the Universe. One Planet at a Time.
[edit]

See also

[edit]

External links

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