South Park

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South Park is an animated series created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central since 1997, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Contents

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Early Shorts

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The Spirit Of Christmas: Jesus Vs Santa

Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus: I come seeking... retribution.
Stan: (gasps) He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry Jesus! Don't kill me!
[edit]

Season 1

[edit]

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe [1.1]

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Stan: That fat bitch won't let us.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, "Rabbits eat lettuce."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh… Well, they certainly do.
Chef: What the hell do you think you're doing in school eating Salisbury steak? Go find him, dammit!
Mrs. Cartman: You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Cartman: Yeah, I want Cheesey Poofs!
Cartman: Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I dunno, and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!!
Kyle: Well, what?
[pause]
Cartman: I'm not telling you.
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny: [unintelligible…perhaps "It's a giant stick that goes inside our moms' vaginas."]
[All of them laugh.]
Cartman: Yeah. That's what Kyle's little brother is, alright.
[Kyle picks up his little brother, Ike, and hits Cartman.]
Stan: Dude! That kicks ass!
Kyle: Yeah. Check this one out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike.]
Cartman: Goddammit, I didn't have an anal probe!
Kyle: My little brother's been abducted by aliens. It's true! Ask Cartman! They gave him an anal probe!
Cartman: Heh, that's, uh, that's a little joke…
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, seriously! I have to go! Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: I don't WANNA ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking YOU!!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle…NO!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!!
Mr. Garrison: Hmm…I guess you'll have to take your seat.
Kyle: DAMMIT!!!
Cartman: Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you!
[edit]

Volcano [1.2]

Ned: I don't think eight year old kids drink beer.
Uncle Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer!
Cartman: Democrats piss me off.
Stan: Uncle Jimbo says after this, hes taking me to Africa.
Cartman: My Mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything.
[edit]

Weight Gain 4000 [1.3]

Cartman: Follow your dreams, You can reach your goals, I'm living proof! Beefcake!
Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?
Kyle: "You're such a fat ass, Cartman, that when you walk down the street, people go 'God damn it, that is a big fat ass!'"
Man: "God damn, that is a big fat ass!"
[edit]

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride [1.4]

Stan: Now, don't be gay! Don't be gay, Spark! Don't be gay!
Mr Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
[edit]

An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig [1.5]

Miss Crabtree: Hey, wait a minute! What is that thing?
Kyle: Uh, this is the new retarded kid.
Miss Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.
Chef: Now, children, gather round and watch the wonders of life! The beauty of Mother Nature!
Chef: Now I know how all those white women must've felt.
Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like: HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'Hey. Why don't you stop...dressing me like a mailman...uh, and making me dance for you...while you go and...smoke crack in your bedroom... and have sex with...some guy...I don't even know. On my dad's bed.
[edit]

Death [1.6]

Randy: How's it feel to be 102, Grandpa?
Grandpa: Shoot me!
Grandpa: What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.
Liane: Eric, dear, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That's a bunch of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew.
Stan: Jesus, is it OK to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain…you know, like assisted suicide…
Jesus: My son, I'm not touching that with a 60 foot pole.
Cartman: My uncle says smoking crack is kinda coo…
TV: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.
[edit]

Pink Eye [1.7]

Coroner #1: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.
[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog.]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don't know…it just makes everything taste so…so English.
Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. SIEG HEIL! SIEG HEIL!
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!
Kyle: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.
Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, otherwise Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh—
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: [wagging his finger] Not a thingy-dingy.
Kyle: Oh my God, I killed Kenny! You bastard!
[edit]

Starvin' Marvin [1.8]

Cartman: No, Starvin' Marvin! That's a bad Starvin' Marvin!
[Cartman is in Ethiopia.]
Cartman: I am an American citizen! Give me food! I am an American citizen!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you and I.
Kyle: Yeah...and that means that MacGyver is a real person too.
[edit]

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo [1.9]

Mr. Garrison: Oh God, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me are you?
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump!
Mr. Mackey: So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?
Kyle: Well, sometimes…
Mr. Mackey: And that must make you mad.
Kyle: Well sure.
Mr. Mackey: Mad enough to kill, Kyle? [looks close-up at Kyle]
Kyle: No dude!
Mr. Garrison: Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Announcer: And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!
[The children are in green leotards, dancing about strangely.]
Philip Glass: As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes.
Background Music: Happy...happy...happy...everybody happy...
[Audience members trade confused looks.]
Philip Glass: How like a turtle the sun looks.
Sheila Broflovski: What the hell is this?!
Background Music: ...Happy...happy...
Sheila Broflovski: This is horrible!
Father Maxi: This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!
Mr. Garrison: You're the ones who made it this way!
Father Maxi: Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.
Mr. Broflovski: It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!
Tree Hugger: All you bastards ruined Christmas!
Cartman: How 'bout we sing, 'Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch' in D Minor.
[edit]

Damien [1.10]

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass too!
Cartman: That's right!
[Cartman realizes he's been insulted.]
Cartman: Hey!
Cartman: Oh really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see…Pip's invitation…Pip's invitation…oh, I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yes. That's right, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and *woop* shoved it right up my ass. Forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my party. Sorry, Pip 'ol chap!
Chef: OH! That's one fudged-up little cracka!
Priest: Look! [points to Jesus] It's that guy from the public-access show.
Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I burn them and kill them?
[edit]

Tom's Rhinoplasty [1.11]

Wendy: I told her. Don't…fuck…with Wendy…Testaburger!
Cartman: My mom told me to be a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
[Cartman takes a bite out of a cardboard box]
Cartman: My mom said to be a lesbian you have to chow down on this box.
Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage…
Mr. Garrison: Ugh.
Tom: …all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Uuuuuggghhh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
[Mr. Garrison throws up.]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!
Cartman: My Grandma's Dutch-Irish and my Grandpa's Lesbian, That makes me Quarter Lesbian!
Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks.
[edit]

Mecha-Streisand [1.12]

Barbra Streisand: You know who I am, don't you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass.
Barbra Streisand: AAAARGH!!
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!
Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus Christ: Our savior!
Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle: But you know, I learned something today. I learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Eric: Yeah, and I learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass.
[edit]

Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut [1.13]

Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Ms. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Ms. Cartaman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Ms. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Ms. Cartman: Well, what's your question, hon?
Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
Ms. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Ms. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a women are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uhuh…
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly into a woman's cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly into your cha-cha?
Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Ms. Cartman: Oh, Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.
Chief Running Water: Whoa, hello!
[edit]

Season 2

[edit]

Terrance and Phillip in "Not Without My Anus" [2.1]

[Terrance farts]
Phillip: Oh Terrance, you've farted in court!
Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense! [both laugh]
Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance!
Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]
Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip: The Monkey Claw is smelly.
[edit]

Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut [2.2]

Kenny: [mumbling] Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: I was just hangin' out in the SPC, kickin' it with some homies on the west sy-eed.
[edit]

Chickenlover [2.3]

Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I am never reading again.
[edit]

Ike's Wee Wee [2.4]

Cartman: Dude, that is not cool! Chopping off wee-wees is not cool!
Mr. Mackey: [to Jimbo] I don't need to take your right-wing authoritative bullshit!
Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.
Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about. And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.
Stan: Naturally
Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't wanna be part of your penis-chopping family anyway!
Ike: No more walbolching!
[edit]

Conjoined Fetus Lady [2.5]

Conjoined Twin Song: You've got the strength,
You've got the courage,
Even with a dead fetus on your head.
Carry on, You fight for tomorrow.
Dead fetus or no,
You'll never let go.
You're my conjoined twin,
Dead thing hangin' off your head woman.
[edit]

City on The Edge of Forever [2.07]

Stan: Oh my god! Kenny...killed death??
Miss Crabtree: Stay in the bus or a big black scary monster will eat you!
Miss Crabtree: You either keep quiet.. or the cute little bunny dies!
[edit]

Summer Sucks [2.8]

Jimbo: Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way.
[edit]

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls [2.9]

Cartman: Independent films are those black and white hippie movies, they're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Cartman: I've learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys.
Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy: Chocolate Salty Balls] Say everybody have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Oooh! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! (Put 'em in your mouth!) Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em!
[Chef has just fed his concoction, known as Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey.]
Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated him!
Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef: You're daaamn right.
Mayor McDaniels: Now all we have is a town covered in shit! This is much better!
[edit]

Clubhouses [2.12]

Roy: Hey, Stan! Wanna help me cut some firewood?
Stan: Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday. We've got enough firewood for twelve years.
Roy: [in an impassioned, tormented voice] When will you let me in?! When will you let me love you?! [in a normal voice] Now get your ass down here and help me.
Stan: Yeah Cartman, you suck! If you want to play Americans vs. Bosnians anymore, you can just play with yourself!
Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
[Kenny laughs.]
Cartman: What?!
Mrs. Marsh: What are you doing sweetheart?
Stan: Getting a cookie; we're building a clubhouse and th—
Mrs. Marsh: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your "space" and that I'm sabotaging your creativity! Go ahead Stanley, get your goddamn cookie!
[Mrs. Marsh leaves the room.]
Stan: 'Kay.
[Bébé tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room.]
Mr. Garrison: Stanley! Are you passing notes to Kyle?
Stan: No! I jus—
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile.
Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me—
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.
Stan: But I didn't write the note!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan: Aww, man…"Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those pert cheeks let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity."
Mr. Mackey: Now young man, school is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
Stan: What's skylarkings?
Mr. Mackey: You know, tomfooleries.
Stan: Who?
Mr. Mackey: Your parents are here…
[Stan's parents come in.]
Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Mr. Marsh: Stanley, I—Skylarkings?
[edit]

Chef Aid [2.14]

Chef: 2 million dollars! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whorein' myself to every woman in town.
[edit]

Spookyfish [2.15]

Evil Cartman: I love you guys.
[edit]

Merry Christmas Charlie Manson! [2.16]

Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages, and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. Remember, if it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer.
[edit]

Gnomes [2.17]

Underpants Gnomes: Step one: Steal underpants, Step two: [silence], Step Three: Profit!
Underpants Gnomes: Shut up, pussy!
Cartman: I'm not a pussy, you're a pussy, pussy.
Mr. Garrison: I don't want to sound like a dickhole, but I told you so.
Underpants Gnomes' Song:
Time to go to work, work all night
Search for underpants, hey
We won't stop until we have underpants
Yum tum yummy tum tay!
Debate Mediator: Okay, Mr. Douchebag.
John Postum: Postum!
Debate Mediator: Oh, pardon me, Mr. Assface.
Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.
Mr. Postum: Oh, and you don't? Your coffee tastes like three-day-old, moldy diarrhia.
[Tweek is worried about his family going poor]
Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Kenny: [Mumbling] Fuck you.
Cartman: Hehe...you suck, Kenny.
[edit]

Prehistoric Ice Man [2.18]

Stan: Oh my god, Cartman, you killed Kyle!
Kenny: [muffled] You bastard!
Cartman: Well he shouldn't have called me fat!
Stan: Why the hell not? That's like calling the sky blue!
Crocodile Hunter: Next week we're gonna learn more about these wonderful creatures by pissing them off immensely.
Cartman: [Lodged in the cow's anus] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here.
Kyle: [About the frozen man they found]] His name is Steve!
Stan: His name is Gorack!
Frozen Man: My name is Larry.
[edit]

Season 3

[edit]

Rainforest Shmainforest [3.1]

Cartman: Mister! You gotta help me, I'm starving to death!
Worker: What are you doing out here little boy!?
Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rain forest and I need some food; I'm fading fast.
Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my god! Where are all the others?
Cartman: Food! I have to have food!
[Cartman collapses.]
Worker: Oh my god! Get this child some food quick!
Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings…
Worker: Chicken wings!
Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy…
[edit]

Spontaneous Combustion [3.2]

Kyle: I just want an erection so I can give it to my mom.
[edit]

The Succubus [3.3]

Mr. Derp: Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!
Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!
Chef: Damn right, Garrison!
[edit]

Jakovasaurs [3.4]

Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Officer Barbrady: Where am I?
-From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov.
Jakov: WHOOO NINERS GO NINERS!
Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here Jakov.
Jakov:[pause] WHOOOOOOOOO NINERS!
Jakov: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
[edit]

Sexual Harrassment Panda [3.7]

Sexual Harrassment Panda Song: Who lives in the peace 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment… Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harassment… Panda!
Don't say that, don't touch there…
Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
Sexual Harassment… Panda!
Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harrassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
Kyle: Do you?
[edit]

Cat Orgy [3.8]

Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!
Cartman: They mostly come out at night...mostly.
Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley…When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley Shelley
[edit]

Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub [3.9]

Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.
Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it…
Randy: We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!
Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.
Butters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we gonna do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.
Pip: We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
Stan: No.
Pip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.
Jimbo: We're all a little gay.
[edit]

Jewbilee [3.10]

Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.
Kyle: He doesn't get cake!?
Moses: No cake for the impurity!
Moses: And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.
Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!
Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.
[edit]

KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000
Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
[edit]

Starvin' Marvin in Space! [3.14]

Stan: This is great!
Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?
[Marvin turns off the music.]
Stan: Yeah, that's better.
Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU
Enya music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky; come and fly, take a ride...
Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
[edit]

Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics [3.15]

Cartman: Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidel's fucking gay.
[edit]

Are You There, God? It's Me, Jesus [3.17]

Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poo pants.
Jesus: Poo pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?
Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.
Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: AGAIN? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
Randy: [taken aback] That's God?
Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.
[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth.]
Jesus: The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?
God: What did you expect me to look like, My son?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] …Well not like that!
[edit]

Season 4

[edit]

The Tooth Fairy's TATS 2000 [4.1]

Cartman: Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see…
[edit]

Cartman Joins NAMBLA [4.5]

Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!
Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because…they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.
Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!
NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.
Kyle: [slowly] Dude. You have sex with children!
Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle: Seriously.
Mr Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!
[edit]

Cherokee Hair Tampons [4.7]

Mr Garrison: [writing] It was as if she was in a redwood forest of penises.
[edit]

Chef Goes Nanners [4.8]

Stan and Kyle: Hello Chef.
Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore children, I converted to Islam.
Stan: Islam?
Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammed Jabar Raof Kareem Ali.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
Wendy: Bebe - I'm attracted to Cartman.
Bebe: AAaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Wendy: I know…
[edit]

Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? [4.10]

Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?
Cartman: No.
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.
Sister Anne: And this cracker is the body of Christ
Cartman: ... Jesus was made of... crackers?
Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Stan: He's doomed.
Cartman:It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
[edit]

Probably [4.11]

[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]
Kenny: [mumbling] Where am I?
Mexican: Qué?
Kenny: [mumbling] Where am I?
Mexican: Qué?
Kenny: [mumbling] WHERE AM I?
[edit]

Trapper Keeper [4.12]

Bill Cosby: Well, that does it!
Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?
Bill Cosby: I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]
Kyle: Oh, ok.
Stan: That's fine. [pause] Wait, can I do it?
Ike: I POOPED MY PANTS!
[edit]

Helen Keller! The Musical [4.13]

[Kyle has agreeded to buy a turkey from a rancher.]
Kyle: How much?
Rancher: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.
Cartman: Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!
[Carman has agreed to be blindfolded and earmuffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images.]
Cartman: Oh, man!
Maynard: What did you see?
Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.
Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.
Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.
[edit]

Fat Camp [4.15]

Audience Member: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef: Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say, "Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"!
Stan: [after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Sort of.
Kyle: Yeah! They killed Kenny... 's look-alike. You bastards!
[edit]

The Wacky Molestation Adventure [4.16]

Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
Kyle: They're evil! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PARENTS!
Cartman: Well, you…could make them… go away for a while.
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Well, I mean, you… could… call the police and have them take your parents away.
Stan: The police?
Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.
Kyle: What's "bad touch?"
Cartman: Something bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer bad touch!
[edit]

Season 5

[edit]

It Hits The Fan [5.2]

Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Cartman: Don't worry, Kyle's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!
Mr Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You wanna go make out or something?
[edit]

Cripple Fight [5.3]

Cartman: CRIPPLE FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cartman: [over PA] Attention shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside.
Randy Marsh: You do not say "big silly goose", you call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Jimmy: Sometimes it's like…please Timmy learn a new word…huh huh [imitates Timmy] "Timmy!"
Timmy: [angry] Aahhh!
Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm living a lie…I'm living a lie…Timmy!
[edit]

Scott Tenorman Must Die [5.4]

" Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] Gawh, this is really good, Scott!

Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have some'in' to tell you.

Cartman: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation]

Scott: What?!

Cartman: Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do somethng to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of Cartman telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down]

Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.

Scott: My... mom and dad are... dead? [A shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]

Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [A shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away. The pony munches at some grass] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behnd Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."

Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away] Oh my God!! [vomits off to the side]

Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are way stunned]

Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!

Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! NOOO!! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]

Thom: Uhm, excuse me?

Stan: Who are you?

Johnny: We're that band, Radiohead.

Scott: [raises his head] Jesus!

Ed: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!

Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??

Thom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.

Ed: Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]

Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.

Phil: Little crybaby! Scott: [gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh my Gaawwwd!! [buries his face in the table and bawls again] Noooo!

Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.

Stan: Good call.

Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-ymmuy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face.] Mm-yummy you guys! [the iris common to Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons appears, with fanfare] Yuppitibut, that's all, folks! [waves] " (http://www.planearium2.de/scripts-501.htm)


Cartman: Nah nah nah nah naah nah; I made you eat your parents!
[edit]

Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow [5.5]

Young Terrance and Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham
Step to the left and clap your hands!
Gosh, we love that chicken and ham
Don't they love that chicken and ham?
Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?
Man: It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.
Woman: Oh.
Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."
Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts]
Phillip: Say, Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]
Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
Phillip: Wow, that sucks.
[edit]

Cartmanland [5.6]

Kyle: Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!
Cartman: If you see anyone on my propertah, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!
Cartman: What about all the years I spent making grandma like me!? All the wet, spit filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of asprin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.
Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.
[edit]

Proper Condom Use [5.7]

Sharon: Stanley, what the hell are you doing!?
Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket! [everyone is shocked]
Sharon: STANLEY YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!
Stan: My room? Why?
Sharon: GO, Stanley! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.
[later, in Stan's room]
Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Stan: No.
Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon looks at him] Uh, I mean ever. Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.
Miss Choksondik: You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.
Cartman: Butters, will you stop filibustering?
Chef: The right time to start having sex is 17.
Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef: Nope, just 17.
Gerald: But what if you're not ready at 17?
Chef: 17, you're ready.
Mr. Garrison: Now class who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?
Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor.
Miss Choksondik: Are you wearing a condom?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, no.
Miss Choksondik: Oh, well. Fuck it.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm puttin' on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom
Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.
[edit]

Towelie [5.8]

Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna go get high?
[edit]

Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants [5.9]

Stan: America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.
Cartman: I told you, jawas have no heart.
Kyle: Jawas?
Cartman: You know, sand people.
CNN Newscaster: The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.
Randy Marsh: Stan, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan?
Randy Marsh: Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about…eight weeks now?
[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.]
Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a Goddamn Canadian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.
[edit]

How to Eat With Your Butt [5.10]

Photographer: Take off your hat, please?
Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of YOU lookin' natural.
Kyle: This is how I look natural.
Jimmy: Why did the... pigeon cross the road?
Cartman: Okay, why?
Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken.
[edit]

The Entity [5.11]

Ms. Choksondik: Kyle, if you want to succeed in my class, you're going to need to learn how to concentrate.
Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Oh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
[edit]

Here Comes the Neighborhood [5.12]

Token: Why can't I be like all the other kids?
They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns
And cut-up hot dogs for lunch
It's not my fault my parents succeed so much
There's no one in town I can relate to
I play with autographed baseball bats
While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones
Has a boy ever felt so alone?
Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not
If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got
If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around,
So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so... down
Please, God, send more rich kids...
To my...
Town
Token: I don't fit in anywhere.
[edit]

Kenny Dies [5.13]

Cartman: [on the phone] Oh please! You tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar. You tell me Chuck…yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck, I wasn't born yesterday either!
[Kenny has just died]
Stan: Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"
Stan: I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend.
[edit]

Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14]

Butters: [on seeing his dad 'wrestling'] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!
Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself.
[Butters slaps his right hand with his left.]
Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' lie!
Butters: Oh well, when I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad...bein' queer and my mom tryin' to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.
Stan: Really?
Butters: No, I'm lying.
Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some God-damned poontang.
Butters: Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang myself right now.
[edit]

Season 6

[edit]

Jared Has Aides [6.1]

Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
Cartman: Dammit Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your ass till you're deader than Kenny!
Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead.
Chris Stotch: Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth.
Butters: Yes, sir.
Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?
Butters: Four times, Mom.
Chris Stotch: I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watchin' television, Dad. I'm just layin' around jackin' it.
Chris Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
Chris Stotch: WHAT?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal felch.
Chris Stotch: OH! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait.
Mr. Garrison: There he is, beatin' that dead horse!
Linda Stotch: Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's bein' a little pussy, Mom.
Linda Stotch: Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumbasses, that's for sure.
Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] I'll be waiting with bells on you, you old... horse-bangin' skank.
[edit]

Asspen [6.2]

Thumper: [motioning to Butters' "Shitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
Tad: What's your name, hot shot?
Stan: Stan. Marsh.
Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan DARSH is more like it.
Cartman: Hey you guys, Butters is asleep.
Stan: He's such a douchebag.
Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it…
Stan: And then what?
Cartman: …and then you pee on them!
[Cartman starts peeing on Butters.]
Kyle: No dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!
Cartman: Oh really? Oh well.
[Cartman continues peeing on Butters.]
Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
Stan: Dude, I have to… he's got Heather!
[silence]
Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
[An old man walks into the shot.]
Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire witchikah Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes… Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
[silence]
Stan: Thank you.
Old Man: Yap.
[edit]

Freak Strike [6.3]

Cartman: Oh yeah? I run with twelve gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. Whatever - I do what I want!
Cartman: [to Butters] That's awesome, Kenny!
Butters: Now gosh darn it fellas…my name's not Kenny…Kenny's dead!
[edit]

Fun With Veal [6.4]

[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window.]
Stan: Pssst, Cartman.
Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, NO!
Stan: Cartman, wake up!
Cartman:: What the hell are you guys doing?
Kyle: C'mon, we gotta go.
Cartman: Where're we going?
Stan: We're gonna go save the baby cows, fat-ass.
Cartman: What? Why?
Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
Cartman: So…
Stan: We can't let them die, douchbag. You're our friend.
Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!
Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?
Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!
[Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]
Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us…some guns and ammunition of our own!
Glen Dumont: What?! I…I can't do that!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
Glen Dumont: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.
[The phone rings; Cartman picks up.]
Cartman: Mike.
Mike: How we doing?
Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?
Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow", but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.
Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breaking my balls!
FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.
Mike: Alright I'll give you that. But in exchange I want three staples.
FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here.
Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!
Cartman: Ugh! Some Goddamned Klingon you are!
[edit]

The Terrance & Phillip Movie Trailer [6.5]

Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.
Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??
Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house??
Butters: I'm sure! there's no way!
Kyle: Uh, why not?!
Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, God dammit, you better be kidding!
Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.
Russel Crowe: Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer... but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?
[edit]

Simpsons Already Did It [6.8]

General Disarray: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the "semen" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this [sperm] bank…I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley…stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!
Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Stan: Oh.
Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?
Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our seamen in her stomach.
Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher and they find your semen in her stomach, and uh-- Wait! What the what?!
Stan: So what should we do?
[edit]

Red Hot Catholic Love [6.9]

Chef: Hello there, children.
Stan: Chef, what would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: ...Goodbye.
Priest: Father, having sex with little boys is part of being a priest.
[edit]

Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society [6.10]

Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.
Bebe: Having boobs sucks.
[edit]

Child Abduction is Not Funny [6.11]

Kyle: You're such a fatass, Cartman.
Cartman: At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Sheila: WHATWHATWHAT!?
Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?
Clyde's Dad: Nineteen sixty...
Mr. Mackey: "No helping!
Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, okay?
Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
Chris Stotch: Us? YOUR family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]
Tuong Lu Kim: Goddamn Mongorians!
The Parents: [while in protest] Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble!
[edit]

A Ladder to Heaven [6.12]

Mr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven? That's fucking stupid!
Alan Jackson: Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?
Did it make you feel like cryin'
Or did you think it was kinda gay?
Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...9/11.
I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine...
...Eleven
Alan Jackson: You little bastards ruined my latest song! [smashes guitar]
[edit]

The Death Camp of Tolerance [6.14]

Mr. Garrison: I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to... Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave: Hi kids. Hm.
Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!
Cartman: I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.
Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.
Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.
Cartman: Tolerance kicks ass!
[Everyone laughs.]
Randy Marsh: That's our Cartman.
[edit]

The Biggest Douche in the Universe [6.17]

John Edward: But, I'm a psychic.
Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then, you're a stupid douche.
John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!
Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever. The big questions in life are tough; Where are we from? Why are we here? Where are we going? But as long as there's big douchey liars like you around, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You're not just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, YOU DOUCHE!
TV Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is, a stapler! And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is…The Stapler. Rated PG-13.
TV Announcer: Rob Schnieder was a Wall Street executive who had everything going for him. Only problem is, Rob Schneider is about to become…a carrot!
[edit]

My Future Self n'Me [6.18]

Butters: Wait right here Stan, I warn you. You may not like what you see.
[Butters goes into the closet.]
Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.
[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as becomes Professor Chaos]
Butters: Ha ha ha ha ha. Now you know my terrible secret.
Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay Butters, I don't care.
Butters: Huh? But I'm Professor Chaos!
Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!
Future Cartman: Right on!
Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatever, I'll do what I want!

Italic textThe future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic

[edit]

Red Sleigh Down [6.19]

[Jesus is talking to two Iraqis, with his hands up.]
Jesus: My children, you should know something.
[A knife comes out of Jesus's sleeve.]
Jesus: I'm packing!
[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun.]
Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone, I just want you to tell me America's plan.
Santa: Then we're in for a long night, cause I don't know shit!
Santa: I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!
Santa: Christmas is a very special time of year, but…this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.
[edit]

Season 7

[edit]

Cancelled [7.1]

Cartman: Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead.
[Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman.]
Stan: Dude! Sweet!
Kyle: Yeah. Check it out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the goddamn baby.
Kyle: Kick it!
[Kyle kicks Ike.]
Taco Alien: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!
Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!
Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.
Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.
[edit]

Toilet Paper [7.3]

Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while.
Josh: Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove—you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!
Principal Victoria: Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
Josh: What's the matter Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
[edit]

Fat Butt and Pancake Head [7.5]

Jennifer Lopez: How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in five Hollywood movies!!!
Mexican Guy: Me too.
[edit]

Lil' Crime Stoppers [7.6]

Cartman: Hey, this is our case. You can't come in and take over!
FBI Boys: Can't we? You guys are playing detectives, we're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction over you.
Stan: Just because your parents can afford better toys than ours doesn't make you better than us!
FBI Boys: Yes it does so.
[edit]

Red Man's Greed [7.7]

Randy: Listen to me Stanley. I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.
Stan: No Dad, No!
Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.
Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son.
Randy: You know, like slurpies and stuff.
Randy: Ah woman. God I hate them.
Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?
Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
[edit]

South Park Is Gay! [7.8]

Cartman: Oh please, Craig, we're 10 times gayer than you are!
Cartman: We have no choice. We have to kill Kyle.
[edit]

Christian Rock Hard [7.9]

Stan: You don't know anything about Christianity, Cartman!
Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.
Token: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.
Sergeant Yates: Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else... I fear... recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.
Cartman: Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights?
Cartman: [singing] I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus/Wanna feel his salvation all over my face...
TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegaly downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the hell is MOOP?"
Cartman: Oh, fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams]
Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the F word about Jesus.
Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.
[Faith + 1's fans flee after Cartman denounces Christianity]
Token: Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!
Butters: Fuck you Eric!
Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!
Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.
[edit]

Grey Dawn [7.10]

Stan: I think old people should have rights, grandpa.