Jeff Foxworthy

From BillionQuotes

Jeff Foxworthy (born September 6, 1958)

comedian

• "You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you."

• "On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors."

• "I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."

• "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, perferably in their boss's front yard."

• "Whatever cleanin' goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean sumpin' up we're gonna talk about it all year long...'Look don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray, I done got it alright? Did it for you, Sweet Pea.'"

• "Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"

• "You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more."

• "If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty."

You Might Be a Redneck If...

• "If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck

• "If your father walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck."

• "If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit (a little finger pointin' goin' on out there), you might be a redneck."

• "If you've been on CNN more than three times describing how the tornado sounded, you might be a redneck."

• "If you've ever had to lug a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor, you might be a redneck."

• "If you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house, you might be a redneck."

• "If you've ever been too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck."

• "If you've ever mowed your lawn and found a car, you might be a redneck."

• "If an episode of Walker Texas Ranger changed your life, you migh be a redneck."

• "If you see a sign that says 'Say No to Crack' and it reminds you to pull your jeans up, you might be a redneck."

• "If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck."

• "If you've gone to a family reunion to meet women, you might be a redneck."

• "If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour, you might be a redneck."

• "If you're walking your dog and you both use the tree at the corner, you might be a redneck."