Joe Pesci

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Joe Pesci (born February 9, 1943) is an American actor and comedian.


From Lethal Weapon 2, 3 & 4

  • "Hello, car 54, where are you? Hey, I cracked this case for you guys!"
  • "Here's my fuckin' pass! I got shot in the line of duty, ok?"
  • "She's got a great body. She makes me wanna buy rubbers."

They fuck you at the hospital, first they drug you then they fuck you and when they are done fucking you along comes the insurance company and fucks you some more. Ten dollars for a fucking aspirin

From Goodfellas

  • "What do ya mean, funny? Let me understand this cause, I don't know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh... I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"
  • "What am I, a mirage? What? Where's my fuckin' drink? I asked you for a drink... I just asked you for a fuckin' drink."
  • "You know you're a fuckin' mumbling stuttering little fuck, you know that?"
  • "Oklahoma Kid. That's me, I'm the Oklahoma Kid. You fuckin' varmint! Dance... dance! Yahoo, you motherfucker!"
  • "I am all right, you ain't no right, you little fuckin' prick."
  • "Hey Spider, that fuckin' bandage on your foot is bigger than your fuckin' head, you know that?"
  • "Who the fuck cares? I'll dig the fuckin' hole, I don't give a fuck! What is it, the first hole I dug? First time I dug a hole, I'll dig a fuckin' hole. Well, where are the shovels?"

From JFK

  • "All I wanted, in the world, was to be a catholic priest. Live in a monastery, pray, serve God. I had one fuckin'... one terrible fuckin' weakness. And then they fucked me!"
  • "I'm so fuckin' exhausted. I can't see straight."
  • "Who did the President, who killed Kennedy. Fuck, man! It's a mystery, it's a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma! The fuckin' shooters don't even kno, don't you get it?! Fuck, man!!"

From My Cousin Vinny

  • "Hey, i'm doing a favor here you know. You're getting me for nothing you little fuck."
  • "Oh it is a fuckin' surprise!"
  • "Your honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?"
  • "Stan, you're in Ala-fuckin-bama! You come from New York, you killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not goin' to trial."
  • "Everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you"
(Pesci) Is it possible, the two "yutes"...
(Judge) Eh, two what?... What was that word?
(Pesci) Ah, what word?
(Judge) Two what?
(Pesci) What?
(Judge) Did you say "yutes"?
(Pesci) Yeah, two "yutes".
(Judge) What is a "yute"?
(Pesci) Oh, excuse me your honor, two "youths"."
(Judge) You're on drugs?
(Pesci) Drugs? No, I don't take drugs.
(Judge) I don't like your attitude.
(Pesci) What else is new...
(Judge) I'm holding you in contempt of court.
(Pesci) Oh, that is a fuckin' surprise.
(Judge) What did ya say?
(Pesci) What?
(Judge) What did you say??
(Pesci) What did I say, what?

From Casino

  • "I think in all fairness I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance, tomorrow morning I like to get up nice and early take a walk down over to the bank and walk in and see you and um, If you don't have my money for me, I'll crack your fuckin' head wide open in-front of everybody at the bank. And just about the time that I'm coming out of jail, hopefully you'll be coming out of your coma and guess what: I'll split your fuckin' head open again 'cuz i'm fuckin' stupid, I don't give a fuck about jail. That's my business. That's what I do."
  • "Listen to me, Anthony. I got your head in a fuckin' vise. I'll squash your fuckin' head like a grapefruit, if you don't give me a name."
  • "You know I'm tryin' to put somethin' really big together out here. You know what I'm talkin' about, huh? You know! If you're actin' like this now, how can I depend on you?"
  • "You know, I don't wanna bring this up but you've been treating a lot of people with a lot of disrespect, even your own wife."
  • "You said I'm bringin' heat on you?! I gotta listen to people because of your fuckin' shit?! You're ordering me out?? You'd better get your own fuckin' army, pal!"
  • "You're fuckin' warned don't ever go over my fuckin' head again, you motherfucker you!"
  • "Peek-a-boo you fucks you!"
  • "You shit-kicking, stinky horse-manure smelling mother fucker you!"
  • "I used to send Marino back home with a piece of what I made. Not a big piece, but what did they know? They were 1500 miles away, and I don't know anyone who can see that far."
  • "Now, on top of everything else, I gotta make sure no one fucks around with the Golden Jew."

From Raging Bull

"Your mother sucks big fuckin' elephant fuckin' dicks - you hear that?!"

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