John Cleese

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John Cleese, British comedian and actor.

  • Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited.
  • I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me.
  • If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking "Do you want fries with that?"
  • If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?
  • He who laughs most, learns best.
  • The three differences between American and British people:
    • "We speak English and you don't."
    • "When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, as well."
    • "When you meet the head of state in Great Britain, you only have to go down on one knee."
  • If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play.
  • Frankly, I haven't the slightest clue who David Lettersby is. -- #1 reason why he could not appear on the Late Show with David Letterman.
  • I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all my other desires.
  • Oh, I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies.
  • The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip.
  • The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.
  • Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
  • If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if I can persuade you to laugh at the particular point I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge its truth.
  • 600 years ago we would have been burned for this (Life of Brian). Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced.
  • Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost no technology ever works. [1]
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