Karl Pilkington

From BillionQuotes

Karl Pilkington (born September 23, 1972 in Manchester, England) is an English radio producer known for producing the Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant radio show on XFM. Best known for his part in the Ricky Gervais podcast.

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Attributed

"Look what we can do with science!"
- The W.I.P name of Karl's idea for a new TV show, where human body parts/organs are removed and replaced by robotic substitutes. E.g. "Replace someones heart with a pacemaker!".

"What were the things in Gremlins called"?

"How would I know which one i was"?
- The reply to Stephen Merchant when asked if he had a Doppelganger of himself for one day, what would he do with it.

"Ya Seeing that far because theres nothing in the way, ya lookin at nothin, space is nothin, what ya lookin at? They say, What do they say? I don't know".

"Don't be chuckin' stuff about, if you're surrounded by glass an what have ya."
- Karl's translation of the saying "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." -Anonymous

"People who live in glass houses have to answer the door."
- Karl said this while discussing the glass house metaphor based on his inaccurate interpretation of it.

"I know I'm about 'cause I dream."
- Karl's apparent summarizing of the phrase "I think therefore I am." -René Descartes

"Never go to the doctor's, unless its really bad."
- Karl's thoughts on keeping healthy

"Sort of a little story told quickly."
- Karl's definition of the word analogy.

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad."
- Karl's translation of the phrase "A stitch in time, saves nine" -Anonymous

"Don't go chuckin' that out, you might need that later."
- Karl's translation of the saying "Waste not, want not." - Benjamin Franklin

It wouldn't happen...there hasn't been one publication by a monkey.
- Expressing his disbelief regarding Infinite monkey theorem.

It's big, but there's nothing there. It's like the millenium dome.
- Karl's view on why space isn't interesting

There's this hairy Chinese kid.

It was bacteria, fish, mermaid, man, onwards and what have you.
- Karl ponders the stages of man's evolution.

How can you freeze time?

I could eat a knob at night.

Were those presents the three kings brought Jesus for Christmas or his birthday?

And that bloke who was in the rocket, right, he was the loneliest man ever...in the world.

I just like odd stuff.
- Karl gives a reason for his fascination with 'freaks'.

Even caveman had little pants on when you see footage of them.

I don't want to be bungled in.

Cheer someone up, have a laugh with them, make their day and that.
- Karl's alternative Christmas message of 2005.

Elephant Man's coming in? Right, get some more buns in.

I scored once, and that's only because I was being chased by a bee." Karl's most vivid memory of playing football at school.

They go from building to building, just building.
- On builders

Why is alright to be goin' around going mental with a gun shooting all the monkeys and killin' em? Cuz one day, we're gonna run out.

Before we got here, were there people whose eyes were looking in their head?

What were the things in 'Gremlins' called?

You never see a black ghost, do you?

One day, you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with.

Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladder instead of growing long necks?
- On the the evolution of the giraffe.

Who's it for, at the end of the day?
- Karl on marriage.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
- In Karl's Diary.

Yeah, but you never sort of see a thirty five year old one.
- On how Chinese people don't age well.

If you saw an old fella eating a twix, you would think, 'thats a bit weird innit?'

They say they've got a new pope, he's hardly new is he?

Knowledge is almost annoying.

Knowledge is hassle.

It wouldn't have happened if he hadn't have been on holiday.
- On the death of Plato, who was apparently (according to Karl) killed when he was on a beach, and a bird dropped it's egg to let the babies out on Plato's head, the reason being that the bird thought plato's bald head was a rock. Karl seems to have confused Plato with the Greek playwright Aeschylus, who according to legend was killed when an eagle, mistaking his bald head for a rock, dropped a turtle on him.

It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger?
- Karl on prostate exams

I once laughed myself to sleep, because I couldn't believe my luck.
- Karl on the joy of sleeping when he was a kid.

I haven't had decent sleep since I was twelve.

If you can't treat a cheerful tramp, what kind of tramp can you treat?

What I mean is, I don't know what I mean.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

"Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe."
- Karl's advice to chameleons.

"Don't go out of your way"
- Karl's advice on keeping female partners happy

"Treat the world like a head"
- Karl on global warming

"Just pop it on your wrist"
- Karls response to Gervais when he questioned Karls idea for the invention of a watch that counted down your life

"It's all about a gorilla and a fox walking through the woods- how often does that happen?"
- Karl on Aesop's Fables

British TV show, "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", where the person can choose 6 guests at a dinner party - living, dead or ficitious. Karls guests would be:

Elvis - "Just good, weren't he? And he could sing us a song"
Joseph (John) Merrick (a.k.a. The Elephant Man) - (Talk to him) when Elvis isn't on stage.
Peter Kay - "I wanna be sat next to him, he's just brilliant, ain't he?"
That fella who lost his arm when he was climing a mountain. "I'd just like to have a chat with him."
Ellen MacArthur (world record for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe) - I want to ask her parents why they sent her off in a boat, on her own.
Kym Marsh of Hear'Say fame - "cause I need another woman for (Ellen) to talk to"