Kath & Kim

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Kath & Kim is a satirical Australian television series shown on the ABC network. The series began in 2002, and is has so far aired three seasons. The show was created and written by Jane Turner and Gina Riley, who play the title roles.

The main characters are: Kath, an 'empty nester' divorcee who wants to enjoy time with her "hunk of spunk" Kel, a local butcher, but whose lifestyle is often cramped by the presence of her self-indulgent twenty-something daughter Kim, along with Kim's husband Brett and her "second best friend" Sharon.

Contents

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Series 1

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Sex (1.1)

Kath: Kim? What are you doing here at the crack of sparrows?
Kim: My marriage is ovah! Oh. Vee. Ay. Haich!
Kath: I like to keep myself trim, Kim. Does it make me a crim to keep myself trim?
Kim: You think Brett is the bees knees. Well let me tell you, mum, bees knees are hard to live with 24/7!
Kath: [Talking to Kim about going on a date] Oh I dunno, just out for a nice meal somewhere, somewhere a bit special, maybe Chinese.
Kim: Not that special for 800 Million chinese!
Kath: Oh zip your lip, Kim.
Kath: Oh Kim, I'm very proud to say that last night Kel made me feel more like a woman than I have in a very long time.
Kim: Not before breakfast, ploise!
Kath: Oh no Kim, I need to talk about it, you know last night Kel touched me, he touched me in nooks and in unexplored crannies I never knew I had.
Kim: I want to be effluent, mum, effluent!
Kath: You are effluent, Kim!
Sharon: Kim, I think it's nice about your mum and Kel. Don't you think its nice that shes got a boyfriend? Or are they day factos?
Kim: Day facto, night facto... the fact that they're facto-ing at all I find repulsive in the extreme.
Kim: [To viewer] You couldn't ask for a better friend than Sharon. Shes one of those people that make you feel better by just being around. You know, by comparison.
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Gay (1.2)

Sharon: You know what Mrs. D? I think you should come out!
Kath: ... I don't think so Sharon.
Kim: [To Kath at bridal shop] That could be the theme of your wedding... mutton dressed as lamb!
Kel: [To Kath, indignant over her coldness after his 'seamans revelation'] Keep Saturday night free, because after that there will be no doubt that I, Kel Graham Knight, am all the man you need!... now, what did I do with my man-bag?
Kath: [Talking to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall Kim!
Kim: [Confused] What?
Kath: A dyke! On a bike... if you like...
Kim: Mum, I'm not gay.
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Sport (1.3)

Kim: [Talking to Kath about Brett's alleged unfaithfulness] In case you hadn't noticed I'm an emotional wreck at the moment. My husband has been having it off with not one but two third parties!
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Fat (1.4)

Kath: [Trying to help her daughter to lose weight] Kimmy, Look at moiye, look at moiye, Look at moiye ploise. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone!
Kim: What?
Kath: The ozone diet. It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's doing it, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Madonna Penn Ritche, Courtney Loves Cox.
Kim: The ozone diet? What does that pacifically entail?
Kath: See what you do is, you eat nothing but air for two weeks and then nothing but red meat for two weeks, so it all balances out!
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Old (1.5)

Kath: Look, I just feel I have so many options re: the venue at the moment, you know I've got 'Big Jugs' on one hand, I've got 'Dirty Nelly's' on the other, and now I've got King Henry VIII constantly on my back

Kim: I'm not criticising you mum, I'm just saying you look bad!

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Money (1.6)

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Party (1.7)

Kim: I've still got a thumping headache. I'm never drinking again.
Kath: More Bailey's, Kim?
Kim: Yes, thanks.
Kath: I really want something elegant, you know. Something, I dont know, maybe a cocktail party. You know, with some hot suggestions.
Kim: Yeah, yeah, yeah! We can have those classy cocktails. I've had them all, Sixtey-Niner, Slow Screw Against The Wall, Between The Sheets.
Kath: Yeah? What about an Orgasm?
Kim: No, I've never had one of those.
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The Wedding (1.8)

Prue: When is the wedding?
Kath: It's September 18th, 4:45 for a 4:46 start.
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Series 2

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The Announcement (2.1)

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Inside Out (2.2)

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The Moon (2.3)

Kim: What I think? I'll tell you what I think. I think you can stick the A.I.S up your A.I.S.E.

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Obsession (2.4)

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My Boyfriend (2.5)

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Another Announcement (2.6)

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The Shower (2.7)

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The Hideous Truth (2.8)

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Series 3

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Cactus Hour (3.1)

Sharon: Kim! You look like a bit of a fashion victim.
Kim: Thank you, Sharon, I do try.
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The Mango Espadrille (3.2)

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Sitting on a Pile (3.3)

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Kicking up a Stink (3.4)

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Hello Nails! (3.5)

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High and Dry (3.6)

Brett: Well, there it is. I know it's the worst house, but it's on the best street. It's what you're supposed to buy.
Kim: No, you've got it all wrong. You're supposed to buy the best house on the worst street, cuz then you can lord it over people.
Brett: I don't want to lord it over people.
Kim: Well, doesn't that just sum it up, Acting Assistant Deputy Sales Manager In Charge Of Software. Wow, I'm impressed... not.
Kim: What about me? I'm stuck at home with Epponnee on my face, mom on my back and Kel up my goat. How would you like it?
Brett: Don't get all pussy-bum on me.
Kim: I'm just bored, Brett. Bored stupid.
Kath: Frankly, these days a spa pool is essential if you're going to over-capitalize.
Kim: It's beautiful! It's got a gym, a pool and a mezza-noyne.
Kath: A mezza-noyne?!
Together: It's noyce, it's diff'rent, it's un-ewes-ual, yes, a mezza-noyne.
Kath: [To Kel, upon hearing that they've been chosen to star in an adult diapers commercial] You wouldn't believe the money, Kel, they're talking THREE figures!
Kath: What are you reading there, Kim?
Kim: The Da Vinci Code, I'm reading it to Epponnee as a bedtime story.
Kath: Oh, yes, I'm reading that, but I'm reading the abridged version. It's called the Eensie-Weensie Da Vinci Code.
Kim: Mum, why is there barely any water in here?
Kath: Well its a drought Kim! Phase 2 at the moment!
Kim: Oh, just fill it up I would!
Kath: No Kim! The farmers! [quietly] Actually Kim, Kel did fill it up the other day but bozzo next door dobbed us in.
Kim: So what are we sitting in now?
Kath: This is grey water, it's washing up water.
Kim: [takes sponge out of water and throws it on ground] Ewwww! Mum!
Kath: Well Kim, thats what we're reduced to, thanks to -- [neighbour sticky-beaks] Oh yes! Happy your a good butcher are we? No don't try and hide! We can see you!
Kim: We can see you!
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Foxy on the Run (3.7)

Kim: [To Kylie Minogue] Let's celebrate! Would you like a car-donnay, Kylie?
Kath: Stewpid girl, Kim. It's not car-donnay, the correct pronunciation is shah-donnay.
Kim: Mom, it's French, the haich is silent. Back me up, here, Kylie!
Kylie: Yeah, she's right, Mrs. D., I've been to Paris, and h is silent, it's car-donnay.
Kath: Well, excuse me for living, Kylie.


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99% Fat Free (3.8)

Kel: What is so wrong with two baby-boomers getting it on for a photo while we're still both incredibly fit?
Kath: [After Kel experiences heartburn masquerading as angina.] Well, you heard what Dr. Ng said. Gotta go all low-fat from now on. Gotta watch your cholesterol. I mean, I don't want you pushing up the daisies just when I'm smelling the roses.
Kel: It'll be good for us, and I can afford to lose a few kilos. We can see it as a bit of a challenge.
Kath: Yeah! It'll be something to do, won't it, doll? Oh goodie! I feel a bit energized by your near-death experience.
Kim: Mum, your pants are split.
Kath: Oh, no, I just bought these lovely latte capris. They must have shrunk in the wash.
Kim: No, I think this time you're the one stacking on the kilos! I think for once, the mule is on the other foot.
Kath: You're the mule, you stupid girl.
Kim: [In a flash-forward 20 years, to an offscreen Epponnee-Rae.] Epponnee, hurry up! And don't forget your fake-tan.
Kim: Epponnee, Silver Lady Coaches called. The flying saucers are going to be here any minute!
Kath: Awww, little Epponnee-Rae, it's alright darling, Epponnee Raelene Charlene Kathleen Darlene Craig. You are getting more and more like your boo-tiful granny as the days go by. Look at her hair, Kimmie, it's getting a nice friz to it!
Kim: Oh, don't wish that on her! Although, I do think, luckily, personality-wise she's going to be like me.
Brett: [In a flash-forward, to his daughter Epponnee, played by Kylie Minogue, on her wedding day] You look like a fairy-tale princess, Epps!
Epponnee: Tell me something I don't know, Dad!
Sharon: I think you look really gorgeous, Epps.
Epponnee: Well, you're only hyew-man!!
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Da Kath and Kim Code (2005 telemovie)

Kim: Sharon?! What have you come as?
Sharon: This is my national polish outfit Kim, why?
Kim: No! I said pole dancing!
Sharon: Well Im a pole Kim! Strezlyki. Well half a pole, on my dad's side at least.
Kim: NO! Sexy dancing with a pole!
Sharon: Oh, that sounds a bit stupid Kim.
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