Mystery Science Theater 3000

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 episodes (movies), 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon. (See Notes below for help on using this page.)

KTMA 00 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21  
S1 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S2 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S3 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S4 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S5 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S6 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S7 01 02 03 04 05 06   MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)  
S8 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22  
S9 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S10 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
Short 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20  
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40  
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60  
Spec 01 02 03 04   Unknown episode   Notes Major cast See also External links

Notes

  • How to use this page. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a tooltip. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
  • What kind of quotes to add. Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).</small>
  • How to format quotes. See the discussion page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.
  • What do the colors mean?. The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for MST3K:
KTMA: Season 0 Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Season 1 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Season 7 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
Gramercy: MST3K: The Movie Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
Short features (various seasons) (various casts & channels)
CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) Mike & the Bots


Season 0

The Green Slime

Man: That's an asteroid!
Joel: That's no asteroid… that's a battlestation!

Invaders from the Deep

Revenge of the Mysterons

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

Gamera vs. Barugon

Gamera

Gamera vs. Gaos

Gamera vs. Zigra

Gamera vs. Guiron

Phase IV

Crow: Looks kinda skinny, must be a Carpenter ant!
Servo: Ant-orexic!

Servo: Y'know, ants can lift entire watermelons! And great big chicken legs!...It happened on "The Flintstones".
Crow: *I* had a chicken leg once...I had to wear corrective shoes!

Cosmic Princess

[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]
Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.
Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.

[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]
Tony: 1… 2…
Servo [as Tony]: 3…
Tony: 5…
Joel, Crow, Servo: What?!
Tony: 6…
Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.
Tony: 7… 4.
Crow: Well, they are British.

Humanoid Woman

Fugitive Alien

SST: Death Flight

[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]
Angela: [vapidly] Hello!
[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.

[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…
Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.

Crow: (after a woman passes out from screaming) I guess she's in charge of panicking!

Mighty Jack

Superdome

City on Fire

[a woman is going into labor]
Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!
Joel: Boil some water.
Crow: Boil some newspapers!

Time of the Apes

Joel: [as Monkey Drill Officer gathers the troops] "About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!"

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]
Tommy/Frankie: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

Hangar 18

The Last Chase

Legend of the Dinosaur

Season 1

The Crawling Eye

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)

[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]
Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preseve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee.
Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.
[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]
Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.

[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]
Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?
Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]
I've reached the end of my life
And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

Mad Monster

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)

Mad Monster (movie)

[Local yokel Jed Harper wanders through the misty, jungle-like woods at night.]
Servo: [singing to "Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'"]
Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
Then one day, he was shootin' at some food…
[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]
Joel: [singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.
Servo: Wolfman, that is.
Joel: Black teeth.
Joel, Servo: Gnarled face.
[The wolfman begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]
Servo: [singing]
Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.
The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"
So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet

[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]
Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba!

[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]
Joel: Is he primordial soup yet?

[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]
Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

The Corpse Vanishes

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)

The Corpse Vanishes (movie)

[Lorenz quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet.]
Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.

[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]
Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!
[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]
Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake!

The Crawling Hand

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.

[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]
Marta: Paul… what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.

Robot Monster

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)

Robot Monster (movie)

[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man consults with his boss, the Great Guidance.]
Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?
Ro-Man: Yes. [in distress] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!

The Slime People

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)

The Slime People (movie)

[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]
Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]
Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.
Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
Crow: At night.
Joel: In a fog.

Project Moonbase

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)

Project Moonbase (movie)

Robot Holocaust

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)

Robot Holocaust (movie)

[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk. Unfortunately, she doesn't.]
Valeria: You liv me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
Torque: Yes!
Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?
Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.
Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?

[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]
Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground-
Crow: A voice-over is placed into the script.

Moon Zero Two

[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]
Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!

[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]
Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.

[As moon buggy overheats and explodes, jazz soundtrack lets out piercing wail.]
Tom: Oh no the jazz combo was in there!!

Untamed Youth

[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]
Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]
Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.

Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.
Crow: Maybe it's Aida.

Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.

[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]
Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
Servo: I don't wanna know.

The Black Scorpion

Season 2

Rocketship X-M

Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now?
Crow: I'm for it.

[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]
Servo [as Astronaut]: Wellp… that could have gone better.
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense!
Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away!
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!
[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]
Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home!

Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.

The Sidehackers

Joel: [singing the MST3K "Sidehacker Song"]
Sidehacking is the thing to do,
And it doesn't hurt to have a low I.Q.
Sidehack'll quench your danger thirst.
The stupid ones always seem to come in first.
Sidehacking is one big bash,
The favorite sport of cheap white trash.
Better get with the sport, 'cause it won't last long —
The founders of the sport are laid at Forest Lawn.

Jungle Goddess

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)

[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out."

Jungle Goddess (movie)

[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]
Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.

Catalina Caper

Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.
Don Pringle: Don Pringle.
Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.

[ Little Richard is performing "Scuba Party" on the Catalina ferry.]
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!

[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]
Servo: I feel a number coming on…
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!
⇒ A collision of dance-pop group "Gloria Estefan & the Miami Sound Machine" and the Latin "deus ex machina" (god from machine), a device used in stories/theatre to solve an otherwise insurmountable problem almost magically (ie with the "Gods'" help).

Rocket Attack U.S.A.

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)

Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie)

[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]
Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them!

[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?

[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]
Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?
Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.

Ring of Terror

Ring of Terror (movie)

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)

Wild Rebels

[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?

[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]
Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.
Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!

Lost Continent

[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]
Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!
Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.
Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

The Hellcats

King Dinosaur

X Marks the Spot (short)

{The commissioner is talking}

Tom: He sounds like Comissioner Fudd.
Tom(ala Elmer Fudd) You may not be able to see it from here, but my torso is fwused to a bwock of gwanite.

King Dinosaur (movie)

First Spaceship on Venus

[Astronaut Brinkman accidently kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]
Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhhh… note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.

[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]
Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?

Godzilla vs. Megalon

Narrator: The effects of the explosion were wide-spread, even on faraway Monster Island in the South Pacific.
Crow: Aw, whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer.

[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]
Goro: Hey! The rocket!
Servo: [snorts] Rockets!
Crow: On a picnic?

[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Yep!
Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

Jinkawa: Hey, listen. It would be funny if the earthquakes destroyed your robot! Heh.
Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it'd be funny if the earthquake killed your family!

Goro: [lighting up] I just don't get it at all.
Servo: Wha? They're cigarettes!

[Goro and Rok-san are tied up inside a metal-walled space.]
Rok-san: What are we going to do? I reckon they mean to kill us!
Crow: You "reckon"? Hey, you're Japanese, Eb-san.

[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]
Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
⇒ An appropriate paraphrase of a line from "Apocalypse Now".

Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
Servo: No, it's another superhero of your own design.
Rok-san: Yes it is! It's him, alright!
Goro: They're controlling him.
Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go an' get Godzilla!
Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.

Defense Chief: OPEN FIRE!
Crow [as Defense Chief]: Kill indiscriminately!

[Jet Jaguar has just been badly hit by Gigan from behind.]
Joel [as Jet Jaguar]: Am I high, or did I just get nailed by some gargoyle thing?

[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]
Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.

[Godzilla is pummelling Megalon with a tree.]
Crow [as Sportscaster]: He's got a tree! He's got a tree! That's not the Godzilla we know — he's fighting dirty!

[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]
Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the law of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!

Servo [as Announcer]: No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.

[Godzilla is walking away.]
Rok-san: [shrilly] Bye-bye!
Joel, Crow, Servo: [shrilly] SHUT UP!!
Servo: Little twerp.
Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!
Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for levelling our country!

[Rok-san runs down the hill, smiling and waving, toward Jet Jaguar.]
Rok-san: That was great! Jet Jaguar!
[Cut to Jinkawa, also running down the hill, smiling and waving.]
Jinkawa: Jet Jaguar! Thanks a lot!
[Cut to Goro, also running down the hill, but not smiling or waving.]
Joel [as Goro]: I don't have a line!

[Rok-san is riding on Jet Jaguar's shoulders.]
Servo [as Jet Jaguar]: Hey, get this kid offa me! He's all wet, and he stinks!

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]
Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here!
Tippi Hedren starred as a woman frequently attacked by the title characters in Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds".

Season 3

Cave Dwellers

[In a flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.

[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.

[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
. . .
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!

[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]
Servo: Oh, come on.
Crow: What the…?!
Servo: [laughs]
Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!
Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…

[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there...
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb...

Crow [as Ator]: Alright, ya crummy rats! Henry Kissinger says "Merry Christmas"!
Joel: [whistling noise]
⇒ Referring to the 1972 Christmas-Day U.S. bombing of Cambodia.
Servo [as Ator]: That's for calling me a fem!

[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]
Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.
[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]
Crow: Uh— huh?
Joel: How'd he do that?
Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?
[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]
Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.
Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.

Gamera

[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]
Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!

[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.]
Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
Joel [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
Servo [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so.

[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]
Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers…
Crow [as Newsman]: … and Kenny…

Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
Servo: More Gamera movies?

[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.

Pod People

[The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.]
Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.

[Poachers are hiking through the forest with camping gear, hunting rifles, and a crossbow.]
Servo [as Yogi Bear]: Whadaya say we take the picnic baskets and scam, Booboo?

[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the OK sign, but then quickly frowns.]
Rick: It stinks!
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Soundtrack Horns]: WAH, WAH, WAH.

[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]
Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.

[Inside the glowing cave, a poacher smashing alien eggs with his rifle.]
Crow: Oh, what is he? An L.A. cop?
Servo: Eww!
[A tall, snouted, short-limbed monster attacks the poacher, who tries to fend it off with his gun.]
Servo [as Monster/Giant Chicken]: BOCK. BOCK. BOCK. CLUCK. CLUCK. CLUCK.
Joel: My goodness, it's the Easter Bunny, and is he ever mad!

[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]
Servo: Syntho-birds.
Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.
Joel: They parked next to a data stream.

[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]
Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!

[A cat-sized Trumpy slurps up a bowl of milk.]
Tommy: If you keep drinking milk like that, you're gonna grow really big and strong! Then we can play together! You know what playing is, Trumpy?
Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes. It's where I break you in half.
. . .
[Cut to a mountain scene, then to the cabin exterior, then back to Tommy's room and a kid-sized Trumpy.]
Tommy: Oh boy, how you've grown!
Joel: Yeah, during the cutaway, anything's possible!

Tommy: [Do] you know how to play, Trumpy?
[Trumpy whines quietly.]
Tommy: What do you know?
Crow [as Trumpy]: Food. Eating. The theater.

'"Crow [as Trumpy, examining pet animals in Tommies room]'": My. They all look like potatoes. [is scratched by cat] Ow, that's my snout. This potatoe has long ears; where should I start, it all looks so good. [examining a parakeet and some young rabbits] Little, winged potatoes...new potatoes...it's a whole buffet...

[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.

[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
Tommy: You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
Crow: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.

[The adult monster approaches the cabin. The camera pans across a Sprite label.]
Joel: Check it out! Product placement, right there!
. . .
Crow [as Adult Monster]: Hmm! Coke, Sprite, Pepto-Bismol, United AirlinesSteve Guttenburg

[After another murder.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: You're my alibi, kid.

[While Trumpy browses along the kid's room full of pets...]
Crow [as Trumpy]: Oh, my, what lovely potatoes. It's like an open buffet. Look, little winged potatoes. I don't know where to start!

[After sucking lots of nuts up through his trunk like a vacuum.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: Now you try it, kid.
Joel: I hope he doesn't sneeze. He'll pistol-whip that kid with peanuts.

[Tommy and his family find another body.]
Tommy: Oh, why did you do it, Trumpy?
Crow [as Trumpy]: I did it for kicks.

[Tommy feeding Trumpy peanuts]

Tommy: These we'll put away for later.
Crow [as Trumpy]: No. More.
Tommy: Now we can play together.
Crow: Like Hell. More food.

Gamera vs. Barugon

[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]
Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.

Stranded in Space

Time of the Apes

[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]
Crow [as Caroline]: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.

Joel: [as Monkey Drill Officer gathers the troops]: "About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!"

Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared!
Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.
Crow: We're doomed, but with you.

Daddy-O

Alphabet Antics (short)

Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!
Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash!
⇒ The narrator's line is lifted from "The Pelican", a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.

Daddy-O (movie)

[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]
Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!
[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]
Phil: What's this?
Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.

Gamera vs. Gaos

The Amazing Colossal Man

[Glen runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]
Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

[Carol and Glenn are out in the country, Carol perched on the hood of her car, Glenn sulking next to her.]
Tom: Who do you think drove?
Glen: I just don't want to grow anymore.
Joel: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
Glen: [shouting louder]I DON'T WANT TO GROW ANYMORE! [leaving Carol]
Joel: I'M A TOYS 'R US KID!!!
Crow: Big baby.

[Sixty-foot-tall Glen Manning heads for Boulder Dam.]
Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!

Fugitive Alien

[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]
Mike [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing]
This is the song written for the train chase.
This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
He tried to kill me with a forklift…
Olé!

Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

It Conquered the World

Snow Thrills (short)

[watching some bobsledding wipeouts]

Tom: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.

It Conquered the World (movie)

[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]
Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail.
Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad.
. . .
[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]
Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?
Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper!
Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums.
Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me!

[Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]
Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.

Gamera vs. Guiron

[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]
Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!

[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]
Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.

[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]
Tomoko: Kon-chan?
Officer Kondo: Heh? What?
Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!

[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

Earth vs. the Spider

Speech: Using Your Voice (short)

Professor Bueller- Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale-
Crow- Or an arm

{a shot of a girl about to give a speech}

Crow- This man is wearing a push up bra. Now he is pleasing.
Professor Did you know
Crow-That I have little bunnies painted on my knees?
Professor Use plenty of lip and tongue action.

Earth vs. the Spider (movie)

Servo: Spider, spider!!

Mighty Jack

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]
Yo ho, slow the plot down.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
We'll keelhaul the plot, then we'll run her aground.
Give me some time to slow the plot down!
Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Teenage Caveman

Aquatic Wizards (short)

Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all.
Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]

Catching Trouble (short)

[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
⇒ The order received by Capt. Willard in the film "Apocalypse Now".
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
⇒ Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film "A Night at the Opera".

[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]
Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!

[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]
Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
Joel: Hurting the people you know and love?
Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?

Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or…
Crow: … or call PETA!
⇒ PETA is the organization "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals".

Teenage Caveman (movie)

Joel: This script is like a telephone directory!
Crow: But not as interesting.

Gamera vs. Zigra

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent

The Home Economics Story (short)

[High school girls attend an assembly. A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: … and why I'm being fired.

[Kay and her college roommates discuss their home economics majors.]
Louise: What are you going to take, Jean?
Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!

---

Crow: College: Kegs will be tapped. Men will be used.
Joel, Crow, Servo(as cheerleaders): Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loook at my crotch. Yay!

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie)

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]
Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]
Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.
Ken: How will we do it?
Rocky: Easy.
Servo: Wha— wait a minute.

War of the Colossal Beast

Mr. B Natural (short)

[The credits scroll, displaying "presented by C.G. CONN LTD.".]
Servo [as Capt. Kirk]: KHAAAAAAAN!!!

[A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]
Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you!
Crow: Well, it's not mutual!

Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though… 'til he reaches for the spirit!
Servo: Ah, calls for Satan.

Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?

[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this.

[A man tests a trumpet with an oscilloscope in a surgery-like room.]
Joel [as Tester]: This trumpet is flatlining!

[Buzz plays a trumpet with Mr. B accompanying him on a clarinet.]
Crow: He'd jam with his imaginary friend.

Mr. B Natural: Knew your father I did!
Crow: Hey, leave my father out of this!

War of the Colossal Beast (movie)

[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"]
100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!
Take one down, pass it around,
99 years of solitude!

The Unearthly

Posture Pals (short)

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]
Narrator: … eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so.
[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]
Joel: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! (Servo makes broken spine noises)

[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]
Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.

Appreciating Our Parents (short)

[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]
Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt…
Servo [as Narrator]: … in a prison break.
Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new.
Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.

The Unearthly (movie)

[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]
Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?

[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]
Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.
[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]
Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!

[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]
Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.
. . .
[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]
Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else!

[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]
Crow: His story has a better plot than this movie...

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]
Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

[opening credits roll]
Crow: Is there a title to this movie?
Servo: Yeah, I think it's either Santa Claus Conquers the Martians or Roadhouse.
Joel [as announcer]: Big John Call is Santa Claus in O Little Town of Death-lehem.
["Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen" is displayed]
Crow: [as TV announcer]: For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!

[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.

[NASA launches a rocket out in to space...]
Servo [as a narrator]: And then a large scale bowling pin was put into use.

Joel: Big John Call IS Santa Claus in "O Little Town of Deathlehem."

[The Martians find Dropo in the Radar Box]
Servo: [goofy laugh]
Joel, Servo, Crow: Wah-Wah-Wah-Wahhhhhh...

[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, and the door into space is about to open.]
Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.

[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.

[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]
Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yah…
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry!
⇒ A twisted allusion to O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi", about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.

[The Martain Spaceship Crew sits around their control center in their goofy costumes.]
Crow [as Kimar, the martian leader]: Gentlemen, we can't ALL be the Honey-Nut Cheerios Honey Bee!

[Kimar, the martian leader, steps into his living room on Mars to see his assistant sleeping on the floor.]
Kimar: Dropo, you are the laziest man on Mars. Why are you sleeping during working hours?
Joel [as Dropo]: 'cause I'm the laziest man on Mars!

Master Ninja I

[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]
Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
Crow: Office?! That's a car.

[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore)and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.

Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff?
Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.

[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!

[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled!
⇒Crow refers to the fact that Master Ninja, rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called The Master.

[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel [as the Master]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

The Castle of Fu Manchu

Master Ninja II

[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten)attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]
Max: I'm here. Are you?
Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]
Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.

[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

Season 4

Space Travelers

The Giant Gila Monster

[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
Crow: That's why the Deuterotomy's so long.

[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]
Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"

[As nitro-laden hotrod careens towards the Gila Monster.]
Tom : [a la Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now] The horror! The horror!"

[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]
Chase: Two twenties!
Tom: That makes thirty dollars!

City Limits

[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.

[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.

[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]
Mick: You're nothin'.
Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a...dumb...head.
Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but-
Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

Mick: We ain't stupid.
Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
Crow: Not on screen anyway.

Teenagers from Outer Space

[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]
Joel: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.

Alien Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!

[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]
Joel [as Derek/Higgins]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live" from My Fair Lady]
I have often walked down the street before,
But I've never done it packing heat before…

Alien Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas!

[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]
Alien Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!

[Derek emerges from the house wearing his uniform: a grey, turtlenecked jumpsuit with a white V, white gloves, white boots, and black belt.]
Servo: You know, everything works but the shoes. Maybe those gloves.

Being from Another Planet


[Watching the title credit]
Tom: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.

Attack of the Giant Leeches

Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)

Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie)

[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-skin panties.]
Servo: Oh, Mommy!
Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West!
Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

The Killer Shrews

Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick — and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.

Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)

[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy — Texas style!

Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.

[Repeated lines.]
Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]: And the crowd goes wild!
Crow, Servo: [dully] Yay.

The Killer Shrews (movie)

[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

[The narrator describes the voracious shrew.]
Narrator: He must eat his own body weight every few hours…
Servo [as Narrator]: … plus a delicious shake.

[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]
Sherman: Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!
Crow [as Sherman]: These things make everything look bigger!

[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]
Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!

[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.]
Crow, Servo: [singing]
Killer shrew! Killer shrew!
Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you!
He comes out at night to give you a fright.
Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite!
Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh
Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew!
He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough.
He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!

[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]
Servo: Puppies!

Hercules Unchained

[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie.

[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]
Servo: When Kennedys ruled Greece.

Indestructible Man

Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)

Indestructible Man (movie)

Hercules Against the Moon Men

Crow [as Soldier]: Pizza, pizza.
⇒ Reference to Little Caesars Pizza's slogan.

Crow [as Princess]: Herc, you gonna help us move?
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life.
Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city.
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life.

[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]
Joel: It's the monsters of rock tour!

[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]
Joel: Time to get stoned!
Crow [as Bob Dylan]: Everybody must get stoned!
⇒ The refrain to Bob Dylan's hit song "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35".

Joel: (reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper) Cambot, put this up on stillstore, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and...Servo...on the bridge...?
Crow: (matter-of-factly)It's really not that good!
Joel: Come with me, mister! (grabs Crow by the net and drags him offscreen)
Crow: AAAAAAGH!

The Magic Sword

[The knights face an ogre.]
Joel: Teddy Ruxpin, no!

[George fights a two-headed dragon.]
Joel: Lighten up, they’re just puppets!
Crow: Hey…
Joel: Sorry.

Hercules and the Captive Women

Manhunt in Space

General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)

[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]
Crow: Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu.
⇒ "Nosferatu" is a famous vampire film.

Manhunt in Space (movie)

Tormented

[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]
Tom: Meg's mad at me.
Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee!

The Beatniks

General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)

The Beatniks (movie)

Fire Maidens of Outer Space

[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]
Crow: Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel: Oh… why?
Crow: Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
Servo: What?!
. . .
[An example of Crow Syndrome.]
Joel: Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say — does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!"
Servo: Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say — check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right?
Joel: Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!
Servo: All right, yeah!
Joel: [suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!"
Servo: Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!"
Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm!
Crow: I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.
Crow: Oh, uh…
[Timmy mutters something else into Crow's ear.]
Crow: H-here's one! "A grinder in der—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! No!
Crow: Oh. Well, I'm not sayin' it — it's, it's Timmy who's sayin' it.
Joel: Well, listen, I think you better learn how to play with each other, all right?
Servo: [suggestively] Say, Joel… we got Commercial Sign!
Joel: [suggestively] And now, a word from our sponsor. Poom!
Crow: She's built like a brick shi—
Joel: Crow!
Crow: … show— boat. Showboat.

[On the SOL bridge, Servo is trapped in an Alien-like cocoon, while Crow fights Timmy.]
Servo: [moaning] Kill me! Kill me! Kil— [normally] Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
. . .
[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]
Servo: Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sandwich, though!

Crash of the Moons

General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)

[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]
Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken?
Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

Crash of the Moons (movie)

[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]
Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film…
Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film…

[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]
Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?!
Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.
Joel, Servo: [singing to "I Only Have Eyes For You"] … for yooooou!

Attack of the the Eye Creatures

[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]
Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
. . .
Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
. . .
Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! […] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!

The Rebel Set

Johnny at the Fair (short)

Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned.
Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
Joel: Simulated culture like Disneyland.

Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it!

Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".
Joel: Oh, we've all been there.

[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]
Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]
Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.

[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]
Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
Servo: What?
Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes.

[Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]
Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.

The Rebel Set (movie)

The Human Duplicators

[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]
Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
Servo: Neat!
[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me.

Monster A-Go-Go

Circus on Ice (short)

[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]
Servo: [singing]
These two girls, they make quite a pair.
They both come from your worst night-mare.
They will haunt your soul forever,
And now,
When you see pink,
You're gonna think,
"We're doomed".
They are agents of Satan…
Joel: [laughing] Stop it, Tom!

[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]
Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna… [gulps] the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!

[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]
Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness…
Crow [as Narrator]: … and kills them.

Monster A-Go-Go (movie)

[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]
Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh… Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics…
Servo: "Oops".
Narrator: … "radiation".
Servo: Oh.

The Day the Earth Froze

[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]
Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.

Here Comes the Circus (short)

[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]
Crow: Heeere comes the Devil!

[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!

[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!

[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]
Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.

[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]
Servo: Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No!
[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]
Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!

The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]
[Louhi, the witch]: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
[Crow]: Can we see the other parts?
[Tom Servo]: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!

[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]
Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!
Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!

[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]
Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.
Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]
Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!

Bride of the Monster

Hired! Part 1 (short)

[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]
Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.

[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren some paperwork with concern.]
Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
Crow [as Warren]: A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

Bride of the Monster (movie)

[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]
Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.

Manos: The Hands of Fate

Crow, Servo, Joel: [in unison] Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!

Hired! Part 2 (short)

[Auto sales manager Warren gets a lecture from his father about helping his salesmen.]
Mr. Warren: Say, I think I'm beginning to see what you mean.
Servo [as Warren]: I'm beginning to sober up and you're scaring me!
Mr. Warren: I wonder.
Joel [as Warren/Del Shannon]: [singing "Runaway"] I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder!

[Later, Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]
Joel [as Warren]: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business.
Servo [as Warren]: Seeing as how we're salesman, and all.
Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
Joel [as Warren]: But first — martinis!

[The scene dissolves between two car interior shots, during which the salesman and his prospect switch positions.]
Joel: Zintar gets the most sales 'cause he's a shape-shifter!

[Mr. Warren has a meeting with Jimmy, one of his salesmen.]
Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you again this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
Crow [as Jimmy]: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh?

[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]
Joel [as Senator McCarthy ]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?

Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie)

Crow: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.

[As Debbie holds the dog up to her ear.]
Servo: Her heart beat's irregular!

[As roadside scenery rolls by, a jazzy alto sings in the soundtrack.]
Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.

Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's "last known photograph"!

[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]
Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?
. . .
Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.

[Margaret and Michael hear howling in the distance.]
Margaret: My God! Mike, what was that?
Servo: It's Howlin' Wolf! [singing] Go whop that whang-dang-doodle, all night long!
[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]
Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!

[Looking for the dog, Michael looks down and grimaces.]
Crow [as Michael]: Eww, look at the pile he left!
[Peppy lies motionless on its side.]
Joel: Petrified poodle!

[Michael and Margaret are about to tell their daughter the dog is dead.]
Margaret: Mike? Oh, Mike, what could have done it?
Crow [as Michael]: Ozzy Osbourne?

[Margaret is outraged after Torgo makes a pass at her.]
Torgo: Forgive me, Madam.
Crow: Oh-ho, it's Senator Packwood!

Crow [as Michael]: Great hotel! Really convenient to the mouth of Hell.

[Margaret is in the bedroom undressing.]
Servo [as Margaret]: [singing "Maria" from "West Side Story"]
Torgo… I just met a fellow named Torgo…

[The Master chants an ominous prayer.]
The Master: O Manos / Thou of primal darkness…
Crow: It's a Moody Blues song!

[The Master's wives chattering in a circle while the Master looks on, annoyed.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Women who lunch.
Servo [as Announcer]: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue.
. . .
Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.

[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]
Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes.
Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
. . .
Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
. . .
Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

Servo: Torgo, you're missing the fight. Get your dress on and get in there!

[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]
Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.

[The Master burns Torgo's hand in the pyre and starts laughing maniacally.]
Crow [as Shirley Bassey]: [singing to "Goldfinger"] Charred finger!

[The Master is waving Torgo's burning hand around energetically.]
Servo: That's a guy's hand, not a sparkler, for crying out loud!

[The camera shakily zooms in on Mike and Margaret's joined hands.]
Crow: What is that?
Joel: A symbol for their love?
Crow: Well it's not framed very well!

Season 5

Warrior of the Lost World

["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…

[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]
Crow: She's got a Lady Hemingway!
⇒ Combining the names of the "Lady Remington" electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.

Hercules

[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins!
⇒ One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.

Swamp Diamonds

What to Do on a Date (short)

Nick: Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
Joel [as Kay]: How many ways can I say "no"?!
Kay: Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
Crow [as Kay]: Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
. . .
Nick: I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
Joel [as Nick]: … with a loser like me.
Nick: Where's my racket?
Servo [as Nick]: I should spank myself.

Narrator: How does Jeff get ideas like that?
Servo [as Narrator]: From the voices inside his head.

[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]
Servo: Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.

Crow [as Narrator]: Had this been an actual date, you would have been instructed where to go.

Swamp Diamonds (movie)

Secret Agent Super Dragon

The Magic Voyage of Sinbad

Eegah

[In his first close-up in the desert, Dr. Miller immediately sweats profusely.]
Crow: (as Dr. Miller) Sure hope it doesn't get hot!

[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks...
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything!

Servo, during the interminable "dunebuggy sequence", as a voiceover of the female lead squeals in delight: Stop saying "whee". Nobody says "whee"!

[Tommy (Arch Hall Jr.) drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car.]
Roxie: [screams]
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming!

[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?!

[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]
Joel: Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!

I Accuse My Parents

The Truck Farmer (short)

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to the Speed Racer theme]
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer, go!
. . .
Servo: There's something you don't see every day.
Joel: What's that?
Servo: A farmer with all his limbs!

[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]
Narrator: A complicated system of irrigation is used.
Joel: Oh, real complicated.

Narrator: Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
Crow: They make it sound so nice!
. . .
[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]
Joel [as Narrator]: A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.

Narrator: The carrots are washed first.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're made flavorless so people will buy steak

I Accuse My Parents (movie)

Operation Double 007

The Girl in Lovers Lane

[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]
Danny: I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
Bix: That's a good idea.
Servo [as Bix]: You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
Joel [as Danny]: We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
Crow [as Bix]: Shut up, Danny.
Joel [as Danny]: Oh.

[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]
Crow T. Robot: [singing]
The 5:15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
Joel, Servo: [to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
Crow: [singing]
Within a matter of day-eeez,
All of our skin will fall off.

The Painted Hills

Body Care and Grooming (short)

[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair… that skin… that mouth…
Servo [as Narrator]: … those… n-nose.

[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]
Narrator: And so… the end of a perfect day.
Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.
. . .
Narrator: And you…
Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!
Narrator: … by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
Crow [as Narrator]: And remember — when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.

The Painted Hills (movie)

Gunslinger

Joel: Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it.
Character: Only the good die young…
Servo: Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.

Mitchell

Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel — Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!

[The opening credits show a hard-to-read "MITCHELL".]
Servo: "Mittens"? They have an action film called "Mittens"?
Crow [as Announcer]: Joe Don Baker is Mittens! He's a cop.
Servo: M— Mithra! Oh, wait — it's "Mitchell"!
Crow: Oh, the Martha Mitchell story!
Servo [as Announcer]: Joe Don Baker is Martha Mitchell.
. . .
Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s—
Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
. . .
[The soundtrack plays a disco beat.]
Servo: Any movie with "wackacha-waka" in it is okay by me.
. . .
Joel: Waka-chicka-waka-chicka waka-chicka-waka-chicka… [repeats while Servo sings]
Servo: [singing to "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone"]
It was the third of September…
The day I'll always remember…

[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]
Servo [as Announcer]: We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture…
Crow [as Announcer]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please?
⇒ Paraphrasing the opening to Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch "How Not to Be Seen".
. . .
[A young man with a bushy coiffure prowls outside the home.]
Crow: Johnny Mathis!
Servo [as Mathis]: [singing] It's not for me to sayyy
. . .
[Home owner Walter Deaney closes a door near the burglar.]
Servo [as Mathis]: [singing] Chances are— huh?

[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Servo [as Mitchell]: But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!

Mitchell: Somethin' to drink?
Greta: What do you have?
Mitchell: Beer and… vodka.
Greta: Beer.
. . .
[Mitchell hands her a can of beer.]
Greta: You've got me wrong; I'd like a glass.
Joel [as Mitchell]: Heh? Okay, Your Majesty.
[Mitchell pours her beer into a glass.]
Servo [as Mitchell]: I got these at Conoco. They got Dick Butkus on 'em.
⇒ Alluding to the common practice at American gas stations in the '70s to offer free picture glasses with fill-ups.

[At the park, Mitchell pulls out from behind Gallano's luxury car to follow Cummings.]
Servo [as Narrator]: It was a big time, when big men drove nothing but huge Ford cars!

[At the park, Mitchell shoots a henchmen when he runs away from him.]
Joel: What was that all about?
[Mitchell shoots man in leg]
Crow: Darrel Gates on his day off.
Crow: He's landed just short of the green. (imitating golf announcer)
Servo [as golfers in distance: Can you hurry it up, we've got a headwound back here!

[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's…]
Joel: Baby oil!
Crow, Servo: Noooo! AAAAAH!
Servo: [vomiting noises]
[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]
Axton: My my my my Mitchell…
Crow: My my MY GOD, NOOOOO!

[As he talks with Mitchell, Cummings observes Greta outside, writing "JERK" on Mitchell's windshield in lipstick.]
Crow [as Cummings]: Word on the street is you're a jerk!
. . .
Cummings: … I don't pay for your hookers, Mitchell.
Joel [as Mitchell]: Well, could ya?

Deaney: How do you like your Scotch?
Crow [as Mitchell]: Uh, by th' quart.

[Mitchell shoots a thug who resembles Andy Kaufman.]
Crow [as Thug/Kaufman]: Thank you very much.

[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]
Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
. . .
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Put 'em on your feet / Give your dogs a treat / What a comfortable shoo-oo-ooe!
. . .
[Hoyt Axton's song credit appears.]
Servo: Oh, Hoyt, how could you?!
. . .
[As the guys leave the theater…]
Joel: Mitchell!

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

[Cortner and Jan are speeding down the road just before they crash. We see brief flashes of "STOP" and "CURVE" signs.]
Servo: "Stop" sign?! What stop sign?! "Curve?!" What curve?!
[We see a brief silent shot of Cortner screaming]
Mike [as Cortner]: Ahh! The road is attacking me!
[Cortner rolls down a hill and lands at the bottom.]
Servo: We now join Barefoot in the Park, already in progress.
Mike: (makes a motor sound a sings) Leader of the pack..."
[Cortner gets up and looks around.]
Crow: Oh, I got so tired from the crash, I - honey? Honey?
[Cortner looks at the offscreen wreck in disdain]
Mike: Oh, honey, what are you doing?
[Cortner starts rubbing his stomach, as if he's about to vomit.]
Servo [as Narrator]: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside of you...

[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] Ddon't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
Mike [as Sports Announcer]: Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!

[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club, a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.

[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]
Crow [as Jan]: Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!

[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtack continues the porny sax music.]
Servo [as Radio DJ]: [sultrily] You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.

[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]
Mike [as announcer]: Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
Servo [as Cortner]: I'll take her, I'll take her!!

Teen-Age Strangler

Is This Love? (short)

[Inside a college dorm room, we see Liz, an oddly mature woman with prominent eyebrows, brushing her hair before bed.]
Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?
Servo: Heh heh heh.
Liz: Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
Mike [as Peg]: Hi, Mom.
. . .
[Liz tries to dissuade Peg from her impulsive engagement to Joe.]
Liz: But, Peg! A–are you gonna drop out of college before you graduate? I mean, you've only got another year to go.
Peg: Oh, Liz! Everyone isn't as slow as you and Andy!
Crow [as Peg]: Besides, you're a Romulan!
. . .
Liz: Are you gonna phone your mom and dad about getting engaged?
Crow [as Peg]: Actually, they're married already.
. . .
Peg: I think I'll send a telegram instead.
Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
Mike [as Liz]: Well, I've known her for fifty years…
. . .
Liz: Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
Peg: Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
Mike [as Peg]: He's anatomically correct, and everything!
Peg: It's the real thing.
Liz: I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
Servo [as Liz]: … at the turn of the century.
. . .
Peg: Oh, Liz. Don't mind my saying this, but…
Servo: Uh-oh.
Peg: … you and Andy seem so…
Mike: Here it comes.
Peg: … so…
Liz: So old-fashioned, I suppose you mean.
Mike [as Peg]: No, just old!

Teen-Age Strangler (movie)

The Wild Wild World of Batwoman

Cheating (short)

Crow: A Centron production! Although we got the idea from another company. Because we're cheating.

Crow: Mother Teresa called. She hates you.
. . .
[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!

Narrator: Did Johnny mean to be dishonest?
Servo: Or is he just pure evil?
. . .
[A question mark appears on-screen.]
Crow [as the Riddler]: Riddle me this, Batman!

The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie)

[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]
Mike: Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!

Crow: Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power! She can open unlocked doors!

[Just before the end credits...]
Servo: ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!
Crow: So, Mike. This is Hell.
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Servo: Me too.

Alien from L.A.

[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]
Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
Servo [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction.
. . .
Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
Mike [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]

Wanda: Dad?
Mike: Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!

Crow [as Kathy Ireland]: This door sounds brown!

[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]
Crow: Don't ride the crazy mouse it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!

Beginning of the End

[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]
Crow [as soldier]: One weekend a month my ass!
[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]
Crow [as Grasshopper]: They got Jiminy! Get em!

The Atomic Brain

What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)

The Atomic Brain (movie)

The wicked house owner Hetty March (Marjroie Eaton) lifts herself out of the wheelchair she uses on and off through the movie.
Crow (as Hetty/Strangelove): "Mein Fuehrer! I can walk again!"
⇒ Riffing the line spoken by Dr Strangelove when he walked out of his wheelchair.

Outlaw

Radar Secret Service

Last Clear Chance (short)

Radar Secret Service (movie)

Santa Claus

Crow: It's a Fellini Christmas.

Teen-Age Crime Wave

Village of the Giants


[seeing that the film is "based on" an H.G. Wells book]

Crow: Based on? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
Mike: It could be based on Profiles in Courage!

12 to the Moon

Design for Dreaming (short)

[The main character is on stage performing a dance]

Crow: "Chorus Line 2: The Revenge of Chaka Khan!"

12 to the Moon (movie)

Season 6

Girls Town

[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).]
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!

[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy…
Mike: Why does that not surprise me?

[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]
Servo: The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.

[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]
Mike: The Velvet Hog!
⇒ Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, "The Velvet Fog".

[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]
Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven…
. . .
Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last.
⇒ Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.

[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!

[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]
Silver Morgan: Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
Mike: Especially since he's thirty-eight!

Invasion USA

A Date with Your Family (short)

Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
Mike [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.

[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]
Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
Mike [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.

Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
Servo [as Narrator]: With strychnine!
Crow [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother!

Narrator: ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.
Crow: But not these people.

Narrator: They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're not, of course...

[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]
Narrator: Brother seats Junior…
Crow [as Narrator]: Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
Narrator: … then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
Mike: The less said about this, the better.

Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
Crow [as Father]: Please, God, take me now…

[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]
Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
Mike [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines.
Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people.
Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
Servo [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough.

Servo [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.

Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
Mike [as Narrator]: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess...
Servo [as Narrator]: to seat you
Narrator: ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike [as Narrator]: Father feigns eating, draws junior out then disowns him!

Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
Mike [as Narrator]: … than having a personality.

Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
Crow [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough.

[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]
Mike [as Father]: Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.

Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
Mike [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU?
Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
Servo [as Narrator]: … and control and repression.

Invasion USA (movie)

["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]
Sylvester: Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. […] Finished with your drink?
Carla: Yes, but I—
Vince: I'll take care of her.
Sylvester: Is that the way you want it?
Servo [as Carla]: [suggestively] Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts.

The Dead Talk Back

The Selling Wizard (short)

[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]
Narrator: Yes, on every count...
Mike [as Narrator]: Guilty!
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer
Crow: Up against the wall. Spread 'em!

The Dead Talk Back (movie)

Zombie Nightmare

Colossus and the Headhunters

[Colossus returns to find pandemonium: people running in every direction, large stones falling.]
Mike [as Colossus]: I leave you guys alone for 5 minutes!

[After weeks on a raft, Colossus pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]
Mike [as Colossus]: It's been behind the sail the whole time.

The Creeping Terror

[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]
Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.
Servo [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir?

[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]
Crow: When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry!

Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
Mike [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd!
Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.

Bloodlust!

Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)

[The title, "Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm", appears on screen.]

Crow: I thought I smelled something!

Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
Servo [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day!

Bloodlust! (movie)

[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]
Servo: Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party
Crow: I did it!
Gypsy, Servo, Mike: CROW!

Code Name: Diamond Head

A Day at the Fair (short)

[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson!
Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for "The Price is Right".

[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]
Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.
Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!

[A lady's judging a cake.]
Narrator: First, she feels the cake...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...then she rubs it into her hair!

[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]
Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
Servo [as Bob]: Where's the corn go?
Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
Mike [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability.
⇒ American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.

[At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]
Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious!

Code Name: Diamond Head (movie)

The Skydivers

Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)

[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The title "Why Study Industrial Arts?" appears.]
Crow: Because you're bad at math?

[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] … then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood…
Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust…
Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!
Joe: … the bright glare of a welder…
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
Servo [as Joe]: Yes!
Joe: … the whine of the power tools…
Mike [as Joe]: … the piercing scream of a freshman…
Joe: … or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap… I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!

The Skydivers (movie)

Beth: Would you like some coffee?
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow [as Joe]: What is this "coffee"?
Joe Moss: I like coffee!
Beth: Well, good!
Mike: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.

[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of a malfunctioning plane.]
Harry: What happened?
Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!

[Beth looks on as Harry straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
Mike [as Beth]: Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
Harry: Bob, you ready?
Bob: [off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Servo: Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
Mike: [sputters unintelligibly]
Crow: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Mike: Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
Crow: Honey, even if a hairstyle is in, it may not be the right one for you

[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor.

[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]
Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
. . .
Mike [as Harry]: Dinner isn't white enough, honey.

[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving…]
Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie.

[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]
Crow: Two zips and we're naked!

[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie…]
Crow: He's like an idiot savant — minus the savant.

[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]
Mike: Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs!

[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]
Mike: This isn't the "right stuff"; it's just… some stuff.

[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a shotgun at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]
Mike [as Man]: [muttering] I see me a hippy. [shouting] Getch yer hair cut, hippy!

[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]
Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves.
. . .
Mike [as Beth]: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh… I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute?

[A guitarist resembles Ralph Fiennes]
Mike: Hey, it's Amon Göth on guitar!
⇒ Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.
. . .

The Violent Years

A Young Man's Fancy (short)

[Teenager Judy unplugs her electric mixer and calls hunky Alex for help.]
Mike: This is like Three Days of the Condor! I trust no one in this short!

[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth]
Judy: Mmmm...I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
Mike: Yeah, evidently.

The Violent Years (movie)

Last of the Wild Horses

[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]
Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.

[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]
Mike [as Riley]: Ooh! Found the needle!

The Starfighters

[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]
Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
Crow [as Maj. Stevens]: Uh, you have to pay?

The Sinister Urge

Keeping Clean and Neat (short)

The Sinister Urge (movie)

[The opening credits are superimposed over footage of a woman running frantically down a hilly dirt road]
Comment: It's one of Packwood's aides!

San Francisco International

[The title San Francisco International appears on-screen.]
Mike: [singing] San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar!

Kitten with a Whip

Racket Girls

Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)

[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]
Mike: Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.

[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]
Hall: For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
Mike [as Hall]: … if one of you is cuckoo…
[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]
Hall: … if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
[… and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]
Larry: It's gone!
Sue: Where'd it go?!
Crow [as Larry]: We're gonna die!
Hall: That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
Servo [as Larry]: But where's the rubber band?!

Racket Girls (movie)

The Sword and the Dragon

[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]
Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
Servo [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do.

High School Big Shot

Out of This World (short)

Bread Guy- But you know-
Crow- Sometimes I feel like putting a bullet in my skull.
Servo- Never let the Devil dress you

High School Big Shot (movie)

Red Zone Cuba

Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)

Narrator: The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
Servo [as Narrator]: … after the human nipple.

Red Zone Cuba (movie)

[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine).]
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.

[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]
Mike: [singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]
Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
I got Coleman Francis on my mind.

[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his tiny Cuba invasion force.]
Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown…
Crow, Servo [as Men]: You shove off!
Joe: … and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
Mike [as Joe]: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.

[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
Mike: Ah! My neck got broken in that jump cut!

[Griffin (played by Coleman Francis) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]
Mike [as Cuban Soldier]: The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.

[([w:John_Carradine|John Carradine]) appears, looking very old and decrepit]
Crow: Was he always a hundred years old?

Danger!! Death Ray

[Cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]
Mike: The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
Servo: They're coming up for more baking soda.
Mike: Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
Servo: This set is at least three box tops.
Crow: Special effects by… Billy!
. . .
[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]
Mike: Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
. . .
[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]
Sub Captain: Okay. We can dive.
Servo [as Captain]: Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
Crow [as Captain]: Head towards the drain.
[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]
Mike: Das Toy Boat!
Servo [as Captain]: Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Crow: Oop! Eh… This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.

[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face]
Servo [as assassin]: My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!
⇒ Referencing a famous scene between Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway in Chinatown where Nicholson tries to find out how she is related to a mysterious girl.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Money Talks (short)

[William looks at a Franklin half-dollar he's holding.]
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. [N]
. . .
[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! [N]

Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
Mike [as Franklin]: … James Joyce.
Ben Franklin: … something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers?

Progress Island USA (short)

Narrator: Year-round sun makes this a vacation paradise.
Crow: And very hard to sleep!

[Shots of a school are shown.]
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.

Narrator: A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
Crow [as Narrator]: … so you might as well just stay where you are.

Narrator: For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
Crow [as Narrator]: … which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
Mike [as Narrator]: Look, just come here!

Narrator: The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
Mike [as Narrator]: … so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.

[Shot of front of Digital building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]
Crow : Why, even aliens from Mars are here!

The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie)


Narrator: Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
Mike : These are just random sentences folks.

Angels Revenge

TV's Frank: Face it, Nelson. Your ratings stink! I mean, geez! You draw fewer viewers than reruns of The Duck Factory.

[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]
Michelle: We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.
[Terry sticks her thumb up.]
Mike [as Terry]: Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!
[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]
Servo [as Maria]: Hah-hah! It's anonymous!

Crow: The few, the proud, the… grrrrowl!

Crow: I detect the liver-spotted hand of Aaron Spelling is behind this.

Servo [as Camp Guard]: You know, beer and porn do make the shift go faster.

[The Angels' monster van crashes through the flimsy gate of the camp.]
Crow: It's the T&A Team!

[The bikini-clad Angels are clobbering drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy sound effects.]
Mike: Right now, Benny Hill is smiling down from heaven.

[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell (Jack Palance).]
Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II.

The Amazing Transparent Man

The Days of Our Years (short)

[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten…" — Psalm 90:10.]
Mike: So, we have 70 days in each year?

[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]
Mike [as Reflection]: [gravelly voice] Come over to this side!
Crow [as Reflection]: [eerily] Obey the toaster!

[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents…

The Amazing Transparent Man (movie)

Samson vs. the Vampire Women

[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]
Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]

[Vampire priestess Tandra casts a spell, changing her former rotting appearance to one of a hottie.]
Crow [as Tandra]: I'm pretty, so I have value now.

[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]
Crow [as Woman]: We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]

Season 7

Night of the Bloodbeast

Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)

Night of the Blood Beast (movie)

[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]
Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
Crow [as Kennedy]: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County.
Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.

The Brute Man

The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)

Mike: I'd like to be the chicken of tomorrow, but how can I be more the man of today?

The Brute Man (movie)

["Creeper" Hal Moffet sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]
Servo [as Moffet]: Uh… look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.

Helen: Hal? Hal? Hal?
Servo [as Helen]: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
⇒ Reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell

[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]
Mike: Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years.

[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]
Crow: Let's see how long THESE accents last!
[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]
Khorsa: You sleep in the barn!
Servo [as Deathstalker]: This isn't the barn?

[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]
Marinda: I love you!
Servo: Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
Crow [as Marinda]: You were my first… tuber.

[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]
Crow: Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
. . .
[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]
Servo [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good… poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
. . .
Mike [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Well… I have to say… she was all-righta.
⇒ Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: "Ore-Ida is all-righta!"

[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]
Mike [as the man]: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
⇒ Referencing the famous last line of Chinatown.
. . .

The Incredible Melting Man

[Dr. Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]
Loring: How many weeks is she?
Nelson: Fourteen.
Servo [as Loring]: A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?

[On the phone, Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]
Gen. Perry: About 1600 hours… and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
Mike: 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?

Mike: You guys know, is there a credible melting man?

[Dr. Ted Nelson and Steve West (Incredible Melting Man) are walking up a staicase on the roof of a power plant. Two guards come up, one points his gun at them.]
Security Guard #1: Stop or I'll fire
Crow: Oh now what?
[Dr. Ted Nelson and Steve West turn around. Dr. Ted Nelson puts his hands in the air.]
Ted Nelson: No! Don't D-d-don't shoot me!
Mike: D-d-do-do-do-do-no-no-do-do-do-d
Security Guard #1: Who the hell are you?!
Ted Nelson: I'm doctor Ted Nelson.
Servo: Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!
[The second security guard aims his gun at them.]
Security Guard #2: Don't move!
Ted Nelson: Listen to me! I'm doctor Ted Nelson!
[Security Guard #2 shoots Ted Nelson in the head.]
Servo: Wasn't far off.
Mike [as Steve West]: Woah! Hey! Oh uh, no relation to Ted Nelson. Nope, nope.
[Guards begin to shoot at Steve West as he walks towards them.]
Crow [as Steve West]: Okay, your not just firing at Dr. Ted Nelson now.

[Janitor puts Steve West's melted corpse into a garbage can]
Crow: So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping a monster into a garbage can?

Servo: Well I uh, also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.

Escape 2000

[The movie opens on a Bronx neighborhood as Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
Loudspeaker: You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
Mike (as man): I forgot my luggage!
Loudspeaker: This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
Crow: Okay, you convinced me!
Loudspeaker:You have nothing to fear! The government promises to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accomidations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]]
Mike: [snickers]
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Loudspeaker: Leave the Bronx!
Servo (as Loudspeaker): Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
. . .
Mike: Hey, I had my radio on--are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
[As stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign]
Servo (as stormtrooper): Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.
[The stormtroopers, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through the building]
Crow (as stormtrooper): I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Servo: Pretty much.
Mike: We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
Mike (as man): Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at them]]
Crow (as man): (cranky) I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
Servo: When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
Man: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! It's ok, I'll leave!
Stormtrooper: You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!

[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]
Servo: They're rehearsing a David Mamet play in there.

Laserblast

[The credits display: "Laserblast".]
Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.

[Finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand.]
Mike [as Billy]: Yeah… I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!

[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini]
Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
Crow [as Chuck]: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
...
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool]
Mike [as Chuck]: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

[Below the main deck of the SOL, Crow (wearing a soldier's helmet) digs at the floor with a pickax. He's already gotten through the first layer of the ship's inner hull.]
Crow [singing]: It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know...Goodbye to Noah Beery, hello Harold Lloyd...
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Crow, you've gotta stop!
Crow: Oh hi, Mike! I found the perfect spot. Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth!
Servo: Crow, you big dope, you can't tunnel through space!
Crow: Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn!
Servo: Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!
[Crow strikes the floor with the pickax again, creating a large hole in the ship's hull. Everything starts violently decompressing in the vacuum. A light declaring the message "Hull Breach!" flashes madly.]
Mike [screaming]: Aaaahh! Crooooow!
Crow [overlapping Mike's screaming]: Whooooooaaa, I didn't expect this!!
[Servo struggles against the force of the vaccum to avoid being sucked out of the ship.]
Servo [straining]: Gaining maximum RPM...adjusting pitch and yaw thrusters...stabilize...there! That should do it...
[Servo momentarily gains stability, only to lose it a moment later and be pulled towards the hole, screaming. Mike grabs one of Servo's hands, stretching out the spring that makes Servo's arm.]
Crow: Wow, this IS confusing! Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?
[The wind blows Crow's page of calculations directly into his face.]
Crow: Thank you!...Well, look at that - "Breach hull, all die." Even had it underlined...
[Servo's arm is stretching closer to its breaking point as he draws closer to the hole.]
Servo [hysterical]: Whoa! Ow! I don't wanna die! Ow! Oh, mommy! Mommy! I LOVE YOU, MIKE!
[Servo's hand finally detaches from his arm, and he goes hurtling towards the hole.]
Mike: SERVOOOOOO!!!
[Servo lands in the hole - and his hoverskirt directly covers it up, stopping the decompression. Mike regains his composure and kneels down next to Servo and Crow.]
Mike: 'Atta boy, Servo!
Crow: I won't do that again.
Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me - and frankly, I love it!
Mike: Now, Crow, I told you - no more escape attempts.
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds that I was doing something incredibly stupid...and I went ahead anyway.
[Mike removes Servo from the hole and covers it up with Crow's helmet.]
Servo: Aw, darn.

[The opening credits display: "Universal-International presents".]
Mike: Doesn't the fact that it's universal make it international?
[The title of the movie slowly fade in view as "THIS ISLAND EARTH".]
Servo [as Rod Roddy]: This island Earth can be yours if the price is right!
. . .
[The actors' names gradually fade in and out.]
Servo: Okay, let's see here. Shatner, Shatner… Nope! Doesn't look like he's in this one. We're safe.
⇒ Referring to melodramatic actor William Shatner.

[The camera pans over an urban sprawl.]
Servo [as commercial announcer]: When in Hollywood, be sure to visit--
["Washington, D.C." appears on screen]
Servo: ...oh.
⇒ Refers to Universal Studios advertising.

[The camera pans over to the greens-like National Mall in Washington D.C.]
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: It's a long par five leading to the nation's capital.

[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]
Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place!
⇒ Referring to the 1972 Andes plane crash that forced the surviving soccer team members to turn to cannibalism.

[Shot of plane with 2 things hanging off bottom, perhaps landing gear]
Crow: His legs are sticking out!

[Dr. Cal Meacham buzzes the tower in his jet. Webb and Joe pointlessly duck, then scramble to their feet and look out the window.]
Servo [as Webb/Stinger]: Maveriiiickk!!

[Dr. Cal Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow
Servo [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
[Plane is landing, flashing green]
Crow:Eat at Joe's Eat at Joe's Eat at Joe's.

[After his mysteriously remote-controlled landing, Meacham and his assistant Joe are walking to their lab.]
Mike [as Joe]: So, was being green fun?
Servo [as Meacham]: Look, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
. . .
[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best. Mmmm.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!

[A delivery man is walking to the lab with a package.]
Mike [as Delivery Man]: [muttering angrily] Sort this, deliver that — I'll make 'em all pay!
Crow [as Joe, signing for the package]: Wilt...Chamberlain. [Joe walks away from the door, examining the package] Hey, how'd they get Blow-Up Wanda in here?

[Meacham and Joe have unpacked the mass of ordered parts, which cover every surface throughout the lab.]
Meacham: There's two thousand, four hundred, and eighty-six parts.
[Joe takes a step.]
Crow [as Joe]: [makes crunching noise] Four eighty-five, sir.
. . .
[A montage shows Cal and Joe busy with assembly.]
Crow [as Announcer]: Industry! Science and technology!
Servo [as Announcer]: Big men, putting screwdrivers into things! Turning them! And adjusting them!
[They screw a plate displaying a stylized atom onto a metal box.]
Crow [as Announcer]: Build your own atom storage box!
[They connect a conical nozzle to a hose.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Bringing you state-of-the-art in soft-serve technology!
[They screw a lid-like disc onto a metal "V".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Snaffles caps off any size jug, bottle, or jar — and it really, really works.

[The interocitor has exploded, leading to billowing smoke.]
Crow [in old lady voice]: Are you boys cooking in there?
Mike and Servo, in chorus: No.
Crow [in old lady voice]: Are making an interocitor?
Mike and Servo, in chorus: No!

[Meacham pushes a microphone-like Geiger counter probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?

[Joe and a trenchcoated Meacham wait at a fogbound airstrip.]
Joe: Not even a moth equipped with a lightning bug could fly in here this morning, so no plane is…
[He stops as the sound of a propeller airplane grows louder.]
. . .
Mike [as Meacham/Rick Blaine]: You know, all the problems of a honky guy and a wormy sidekick don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
[A pair of lights descend onto the distant runway.]
Servo: Hey, it's a moth equipped with a lightning bug!

[Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.]
Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams!
Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve.
Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?
⇒ Actors Russell Johnson (The Professor) and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann) complained when the initial Gilligan's Island theme song referred to them as "and the rest". The second season theme mentioned their characters by name.

[Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.]
Meacham: What is more important is…
Exeter: … who we are, [and] what we're doing here.
Servo [as Exeter]: … [and] why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.

[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.]
Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien!
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien.
. . .
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!

[Ruth precedes Meacham and Carlson into the elevator to Exeter's lab.]
Mike [as Meacham]: I call dibs on Ruth.
Servo [as Carlson]: Dibs!
Mike [as Meacham]: Dibs!

[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
. . .
[Inside the conversion tubes, smoke or mist starts to drift upward.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Whadda ya know! Mine smells like bacon.
Crow: [in "stoner" accent] Must feel like they're inside a bong!
Meacham: Ruth?
Servo [as Meacham]: I farted.
Ruth: Yes?
Meacham: You okay?
Ruth: [nodding] And you?
Meacham: [I] feel like a new toothbrush.
Crow [as Meacham]: So, rub me in a circular motion on your gums.
. . .
[In the smoke-filled tubes, Meacham and Ruth lean back, eyes closed.]
Servo [as Meacham]: Oh… oh, wow! I am Metaluna!
. . .
[Brak leads a wobbily Meacham by the arm from his tube.]
Servo [as Meacham]: I feel safe with you, Brak. You have a gentle touch.

[Protecting Cal and Ruth, Exeter (played by Jeff Morrow) confronts a "Mu-tant" blocking access to the spaceship.]
Exeter: Stand back! I command you, STAND BACK!
Mike [as Morrow]: Acting!

[On the spaceship, after the Mu-tant attacking Ruth collapses on its own, it fades out, leaving wisps of smoke.]
Servo: Self-Cleaning Mu-tant! Leaves only the fresh scent of pine.

[Exeter, alone, flies his spaceship through the Earth's atmosphere toward a large body of water.]
Mike [as Exeter]: Let's see how many times I can skip this thing.

[Mike and the 'bots are riffing their own credits.]
Crow: Puppet wranglers? There weren't any puppets in this movie!

[The Eastman Kodak logo scrolls through the end credits]
Servo: Eastman! He came out of the East to do battle with the Amazing Rando!

Season 8

Revenge of the Creature

[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]
Servo: Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.

Servo: Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?

[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]
Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
Servo [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve.

[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]
Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
Mike [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!

The Leech Woman

[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]
Malla: When we are alone, I will speak.
Crow [as Dr. Talbot]: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

[At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from This Island Earth.]
Crow: Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall.
. . .
[An intoxicated June slides away from the bar and heads towards Neil]
Mike [as June]:(Speaking with a slur) I'm sorry, I was going to get you a drink, but i got held up at the bar.

[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]
Crow [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.

[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]
Crow [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata?
. . .
[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]
Tom: I see, It's a three room Japanese appartment.

[A group of Nando children begin to run through the village.]
Mike: (Singing) Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away!

[Mala's wethered hand reaches into the skull containing the Nipie.]
Mike: Wow, a woman made entirely of gravy skin.

[Garvey enters a hut with a few Nando guards]
Mike [as Nando guard]: So how you liking the rains here in Africa?
Tom [as Garvey]: Well, I'm going to take some time to do the things I never had.

[Seductive Terri bids lawyer Neil Foster to stay for a drink while his fiancée Sally waits impatiently in the car.]
Crow [as Sally]: [in gravelly whine] Neil! Neeeeeeeeil!
. . .
[Neil takes Terri's luggage into the bedroom and opens the window.]
Mike [as Neil]: Nice view of the fiancée from here!
[Sally honks the car horn several times.]
Crow [as Neil]: Huh! Emasculating hippo! Give me some freedom!

[Sally storms away from Neil in a huff.]
Crow [as Neil]: Wait a minute, this is the 50's! Why am I explaining things to a woman?! Get in the car!

[Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]
Neil: Terri… would you marry me?
[Terri pulls away.]
Mike [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question.
Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't.
Servo [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it.

[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]
Crow: This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.

Mike: This is like a murderous episode of Lucy.

The Mole People

The Deadly Mantis

[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]
Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada…
Servo [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy.
Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
Mike [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.

[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]
Mike: Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.

Narrator: For every action...
Mike [as narrator]: There is a Jackson.

The Thing That Couldn't Die

[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo: A trade rat?
Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine.
Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.

[Gordon, Linda, and Hank look around the base of the oak tree.]
Mike [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat.

[Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.]
Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright.
Crow [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat.

[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
Mike [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal!
Linda: It still runs.
Servo [as John Cameron Swayze ]: John Cameron Trade-Rat.

[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]
Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
Mike [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there.
Servo [as Gordon]: I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.

[An upset Jessica turns down Linda's invitation to accompany her and and her fiancé Mitch to a square dance.]
Jessica: That awful old chest!
Mitch: Yeah, these archaeologists are always interested in old chests. Now, take an artist like me…
Linda: On second thought, I think she's safer here than with an artist like you!
Crow [as Mitch]: She's right, honey, I'd take ya to the mat! Heh heh — bye-bye!

[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]
Flavia: What's that?
Crow: Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.

[The hypnotized Jessica smiles as the evil Gideon Drew threatens the others.]
Mike [as Jessica]: Evil is fun!

[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]
Crow: The entire movie was leading up to this shot.

The Undead

Mike: I have never known more about what wasn't going on in a movie.

[Satan is played by a flamboyant theater actor]
Mike: Satan, Prince of Cabaret.
...
Mike: This guy didn't fall from heaven, he was cast out of community theater!

[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]
Quintus: Do you see my hand?
Mike [as Quintus]: Do you think I'm Dale?
Quintus: There is no end to my hand, is there?
Crow [as Diana]: No, I guess I'm not getting it. Sorry.
Quintus: You can always take another turn.
Servo [as Quintus]: Oh, and by the way — SLEEEEEEP!
Quintus: Around the knuckle…
Mike [as Quintus]: … over the gum…
Quintus: … over the fingers…
Mike [as Quintus]: … look out stomach, here it comes.
Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it?
Crow [as Diana]: In that why I feel like throwing up on you?
Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding…
Servo [as Quintus]: And now — SLEEEEEEP!
Quintus: First, slowly.
Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly.
Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry.
. . .
Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Quintus: When I touch you…
Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
⇒ Alluding to Divinyls' song "I Touch Myself": "When I think about you, I touch myself."
Quintus: … we will be one.
Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake.

[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]
Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
Crow [as Satan]: Route 666!
Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
Mike [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience.
. . .
Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
Servo: [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!

Terror from the Year 5000

Claire: I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
Dr. Hedges: I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
Servo [as Hedges]: I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine!
⇒ A line from the song "One Night in Bangkok", from the musical Chess.

[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]
Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces!
Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.

Dr. Erling: Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?
Crow [as Hedges]: Genocide?
Mike [as Hedges]: Slavery?
Servo [as Hedges]: Diseased blanket spreading?

[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]
Hedges: Is there a good movie in town?
Mike: [snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
Crow: Heh heh heh!
[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]
Mike, Crow: Oh.

The She-Creature

[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]
Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
Servo: So she's a carnival preceder.

[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]
Erickson: Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
Andrea: I'd like that.
Servo [as Erickson]: Would you like a C cup or a D cup?

[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]
Crow [as Erickson/Fuller]: My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?
Erickson: What year is it, Andrea?
Mike [as Elizabeth]: [singing "Year of the Cat"] The year of the cat.
Andrea/Elizabeth: 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
Servo [as Elizabeth/Eliza Doolittle]: In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
Erickson: Who is the reigning monarch?
Andrea/Elizabeth: James Stuart.
Mike [as George Bailey]: Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!

[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]
Lombardi: There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
Erickson: No.
Lombardi: He did what I told him without a single word.
Mike: That's because he's a dog!

[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]
Servo: [gasps] Donald Duck has the Ring of Power!

I Was a Teenage Werewolf

[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]
Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on.

[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]
Crow: If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.

[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]
Mike [as Frank]: [muttering] "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles!
Crow [as Frank]: I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled — not something I've often thought of.

[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]
Crow: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
. . .
[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]
Crow: Judy Garland runs out of pills.

[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]
Servo: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
Mike: I thought the night belonged to love.
Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.

The Giant Spider Invasion

[White-trash couple Ev and Dan Kester struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]
Servo [as Dan]: Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!

[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]
Servo [as Spider]: Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!

Parts: The Clonus Horror

[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]
Crow: Dick Sargent. Didn't he play Dick York on "Bewitched"?

[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]
Servo [as Guide]: This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this own your own…

[Dr. Jameson is supposedly preparing not-that-bright clone George for America.]
Dr. Jameson: George? I want you to play a game.
George: Okay!
Servo [as George]: [giggles]
Dr. Jameson: I want you to start at a hundred, and count backwards.
Mike [as George]: Oh, man, I shoulda studied. [giggles]
George: 100… 99… [giggles] 98…
Servo: Oh, yuck, it's turning him on!

[Lena and Richard, two rock-stupid clones, chat by a campfire.]
Lena: I like it. It gives me time to write.
Richard: Write?
Lena: Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
Crow [as Lena]: I've already filled a Post-It note.

[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]
Mike [as Richard/Winston Smith]: Whaddya know — we aren't at war with Eurasia!
⇒ Referencing Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four.
. . .
[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]
Crow: Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
. . .
Mike [as Richard]: Black helicopter… Roswell… Area 51… Waco… formula for Coca-Cola…

[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape .]
Rick: You knew about the tape, didn't you?
Jeff: Yeah. You saw the tape?
Rick: Yeah, and it's scary.
Crow [as Rick]: Adam Sandler's in it.

Dr. Jameson: This could prove to be interesting.
Mike [as Jameson]: But I doubt it.

[Dr. Jameson, played by Dick Sargent, picks up a telephone]
Mike [as Jameson]: Get me Endora.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

[The Bots are doing walkathons.]
Mike: Uh, what about you, Servo?
Servo: Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
Mike: Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
Servo: No, actually "Helping Children Through Research And Development" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".

[Jerry complains to Harold about Angie's mother's dislike of him.]
Harold: Well… if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
Jerry: A job?!
Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon!
. . .
Jerry: The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold — it makes you feel… depressed.
Mike: Goofus and Gallant, the movie.

Jerry: How's college?
Madison: Fine. You should try it some time.
Jerry: No thanks. The world's my college.
Servo: He's taking it pass-fail.

[Angie and Jerry run down the beach, Jerry leaping awkwardly.]
Mike: Oh, dear. He should not frolic.

[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.

[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]
Servo: [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy.

[Singing along to "Shook Out of Shape".]
Mike: The first blade lifts, the next one cuts / You get your Schick out of shape!

Jack Frost

[Mike and the Bots watch the opening credits.]
Mike: These names are all Russian for "Alan Smithee."
. . .
[Evil Stepmother has tossed stepdaugher Nastenka into the pre-dawn yard to knit stockings.]
Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!
. . .
[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]
Nastenka: Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
Servo [as Sun]: And you are…?
Nastenka: Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
Mike [as Sun]: [beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]
Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock.

[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
Marfushka: Oh, no?
Stepmother: You are a queen!
Mike: In that you look like Freddy Mercury.

Riding with Death

[In the middle of a war, Observer ("Brain Guy") explains his nurse's uniform.]
Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite.

[On the SOL bridge, Mike and Crow talk with Servo, who's dressed in a rainbow wig and pink jacket and holds an electric keyboard.]
Crow: Hey-hey, a song about the '70s, huh? Guh-roovy!
Servo: Yeah, it's always been my favorite decade.
Mike: Cool! Rock it, you turkey!
Servo: Awright!
Crow: Awright! Yeah!
[A mirrored ball descends as a disco-esque tune begins to play.]
Servo: [singing] Ow! Ow ow, boogie, ow!
Back in the funky 70s, the party didn't ever stop — ow!
The city of Pompeii was doin' alright, but Vesuvius blew her top! Ow ow!
Crow: Huh?
Servo: [singing]
Back in the super-bad 70s, the Roman Empire still reigned supreme!
Emperor Titus came to power and he finished up the Colosseum! Ow ow!
Mike: Uh… Tom?
Crow: Uh-uh, Servo?
[Mike reaches over and unplugs Servo's keyboard.]
Servo: [singing] Back in the funkadelic 70s, Egyptian wheat would flow…
Mike: Tom? Could I just… unplug you here, and…?
Crow: Hello?
[Mike pulls the keyboard cord.]
Servo: [singing] Eygptian wheat w— [speaking] W— who turned off my wall of sound?
Mike: That was me, actually. I think we had a little miscommunication.
Crow: Yeah.
Servo: Well, you said you wanted to hear my song about the 70s, huh?
Crow: Well, we thought you meant the 1970s. You know, the decade of today's movie?
Servo: [scoffs] That's absurd! I distinctly heard "the 70s", period.
Mike: Yeah, but, you know, usually when people say "the '70s", they don't mean "70 AD to 79 AD".
Servo: What?!
Mike: They mean "the 1970s".
Crow: The 1970s!
Servo: Well then how can people just assume that?! I mean, why don't they just get off their lazy butts and say "1970s"? I mean, I don't know Shinola about the stupid 1970s!

[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]
Sam: Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
Crow: "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
Mike [as Sam]: Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
Servo [as Sam]: My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
Crow [as Sam]: My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours—
Mike, Servo: Ugh— Crow!
. . .
[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]
Mike [as Sam]: Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
Crow: You said I was bad.
Mike: [chuckles] You inspired me.

[Dr. Hale and his helicopter pilot are looking on the ground for Sam Casey after they blew up his truck. Sam Casey slaps the pilot's gun away while invisible and becomes visible seconds later. Dr. Hale and the pilot turn around and see him.]
Helicopter Pilot: No. This can't be. You're dead!
Mike [as Sam]: No I'm not!
Sam: How'd you like to see a ghost punch?
[Sam punches the pilot in the face, knocking him out. Dr. Hale points a revolver at him.]
Dr. Hale: Hold it, Casey!
Sam: Wait a minute doctor that's not going to work. For your plan to succeed I had to die in that explosion, right? Now how you gonna explain a bullet?
Dr. Hale: I don't care anymore. You've destroyed all my plans, somehow you've countered my every move. Well let me see you counter this!
[Sam presses a button on his watch and becomes invisible]
Crow [as Dr. Hale]: It can't be! You're invisible!
[Dr. Hale fires six shots from his gun randomly in front of him.]
Mike [as Sam]: Ow, ow. Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Agent for H.A.R.M.

[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]
Mike [as Adam]: Solid balsawood, baby!
Adam: That, my dear, is how it's done.
Crow [as female student]: What a dork.
. . .
[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]
Adam: This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
Mike: [scoffs] The judo range?
. . .
Servo [as Adam]: Meet me at the karate rink later.
. . .
[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]
Adam: Judo range!
Crow [as Adam]: Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.
Mike [as Student]: Gotta get into my judo bikini.

[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]
Ava : Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
Crow [as Adam]: Yes, and yes.

[Dr. Steffanic stands beneath a sign advertising "No Fumar."]
Mike [as Steffanic]: Well, we're out of fumar, now what?

[A long meandering shot of a car pulling into a parking lot, letting the occupants out, then getting back on the road and driving off.]
Mike: Actual footage from the highway department.

Adam Chance: Steffanic's not dead! I have all his research papers here!
Crow [as Adam]: Proving he's not dead!

Mike: Your dad's alcoholic golf buddy as Agent for H.A.R.M.

Prince of Space

[Opening sketch of the show. Mike enters to find Crow hanging upside-down and wearing a dog nose and dog ears and Servo wearing a bear nose and bear ears. Crow and Servo are snarling and growling at one another, Mike breaks it up and asks what's going on.]
Crow [On the verge of tears.]: Mike, we were playing "Dog and Bear," ya know? And Servo was chasing me and I ran, panicked, over logs and through streams, maddened with primal terror, ya know? And I turned and raked my deadly claws against his howling snout, ya know? And I rose to my hind feet, towering, and still, bellowing, he came and I mewled and spewed gore from my wound, and snot from my flaring, wild maw and-- and-- and then we were locked like lovers. And-- and-- and I was engrailed by moiled, spotted hound bodies and my entrails were hanging out and I tried a savage, feral roar, but alas my force was spent and I died. And then Servo took it too far.
Mike: Alright. I understand. Is that what happened, Servo?
Servo: Eh, well, I guess that's about right, but, I mean, what's too far when your entrails are spilling out? I mean, where's the line?
Mike: Well, I see your point. But, well, I'll tell you what - why don't you guys just play a nice game? Okay?
Crow and Servo: Okay.
Mike: Okay.
Crow: Cou-- Could you stick my entrails back in, Mike?
Mike: Oh, sure I will.
[Commercial break.]

[After the first commercial break, Mike returns to check on Crow and Servo. Crow and Servo are on opposite sides, giggling, bouncing in place, and singing.]
Mike: What's so funny, guys? Oh, oh, 'cause you're not playing "Dog and Bear" again, are ya? 'Cause you know how that can get out of hand.
Crow: Oh, no. Now we're playing "Sea Lion and Squirrel" and we have nothing at all to do with each other.
Servo: It's fun!

[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]
Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
Crow: Crank whore?
Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
Servo [as TV Advert. announcer]: Veterans cannot be turned down!
. . .
Crow [as Micky]: That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much!

[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]
Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches!

[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]
Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren!
Mike: "Kill some diffren"?
Servo: "Diffren"?
Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?

[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.]
Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
Mike [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese.

[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]
Crow [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun!
Mike: The upper half of a Hopper painting.
Servo [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken!
Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh!
Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?!

Phantom: Now, gentlemen, your time has come. Prepare to leave Krankor.
Scientist: What's that?
Phantom: Prepare to leave. Each of you will enter a space capsule.
Scientist: What?!
[The guys laugh]
Servo [as Phantom]: For crying out loud...EACH... OF... YOU... WILL... ENTER... A... SPACE... CAPSULE!!
Phantom:: ...it will be sealed up.
Servo [as Scientist]: What?
Phantom: Each one of you in turn will then blast off...
Servo [as Scientist]: What's that?
Phantom: ...and will travel far, far out...
Mike [as Scientist]: Whad'e say?
Phantom: ...to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
Servo [as Scientist]: Come again?!
Phantom: Your course will be selected at random...
Crow and Servo [as Scientist]: What?
Phantom: ...and will ultimately be determined by the celestial bodies near which you pass.
Crow [as Scientist]: Whad'e say?
Phantom: Those of you who are fortunate will fall into a star.
Servo [as Scientist]: How'sat?!
Phantom: Your agony will be horrible, but it will be brief.
Servo [as Scientist]: Beg pardon?
Phantom: The first rocket will be manned by Dr. Macken.
Crow: Y'know, wouldn't it be cheaper and quicker to just bludgeon 'em right here?

Horror of Party Beach

[Two drunks have just been ejected from a bar]
Drunk #1: We're outcasts. Orphans of the storm.
Drunk #2: What storm?
Drunk #1: The storm...of my soul.
Mike: He likes liquor, is what he means.

[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.]
Crow: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor!

[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank.]
Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"]
Chances are
That I'll kick your scrawny ass…

[Doomed bad girl Tina swims from the beach scene while the band plays.]
Servo [as Tina]: Six miles out and I still hear that awful music!

[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look Polish" (the word "sausage" obscured by an actor's head).]
Servo: "Look Polish"?
Crow: Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"

[The monsters attack an all-girl slumber party.]
Mike: Don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.
Servo: Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.

[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm. Another monster creeps outside.]
Elaine: [whispering] I hear something.
Servo [as Elaine]: [whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!
. . .
[Gavin's maid Eulabelle accidentally knocks a beaker of sodium onto the monster arm, vaporizing it instantly.]
Eulabelle: Oh, Doctor Gavin, I'm sorry! I didn't mean—
Dr. Gavin: No, don't be sorry — this is wonderful! You've discovered a way to… destroy these creatures!
Mike [as Dr. Gavin]: And you're fired!

[As the beach band continues to "sing".]
Mike: [singing along] And we lip-sync really bad...

["Teenager" Elaine calls to let her friend know she can't come to the slumber party]
Mike [as Elaine]: I don't like slumber parties, now that I'm in my forties.

Devil Doll

[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.]
Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo: Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free.

[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a rotary phone.]
Servo: So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?

[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.]
Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
Mike [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
⇒ Quoting Sally Brown's whining in A Charlie Brown Christmas.

[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo.]
Mercedes: He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and… looked at the ceiling. Then… he died. He died.
Mike [as Mark]: Did he live?

Invasion of the Neptune Men

Servo: If it's not too much trouble, could somebody ritual-seppuku me right now, please?

[After viewing the distinctive headgear the Neptune Men wear.]
Servo: It's suppository man!

[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope.]
Tibana: So then. The Rogi-Pani Complex.
Mike: The "Roji-Panty Complex"?

[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo.]
Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly nuanced movie.

[Nearly 8 full minutes after Space Chief joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other.]
Crow: So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?
Servo: Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih… EAT IT MOVIE! TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP… [breaks down sobbing]

[The main hero prances around in a half fight \ half dance with the enemy.]
Crow: They're being defeated by a whispy bachelor.

Space Mutiny

[Various macho nicknames Mike and the Bots give to the film's hero, Dave Ryder.]:

Slab Bulkhead, Fridge Largemeat, Punt Speedchunk, Butch Deadlift, Bold Bigflank, Splint Chesthair, Flint Ironstag, Bolt Vanderhuge, Thick McRunfast, Blast Hardcheese, Buff Drinklots, Trunk Slamchest, Fist Rockbone, Stump Beefgnaw, Smash Lampjaw, Punch Rockgroin, Buck Plankchest, Stump Chunkman, Dirk Hardpeck, Rip Steakface, Slate Slabrock, Crud Bonemeal, Brick Hardmeat, Rip Sidecheek, Punch Sideiron, Gristle McThornBody, Slake Fistcrunch, Buff Hardback, Bob Johnson, Blast Thickneck, Crunch Buttsteak, Slab Squatthrust, Lump Beefrock, Touch Rustrod, Reef Blastbody, Big McLargeHuge, Smoke Manmuscle, Beat Punchbeef, Pack Blowfist, Roll Fizzlebeef.


[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's Battlestar Galactica.]
Mike: Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.
Mike: In the future, geese will be rocket powered!

[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft.]
Crow [as Lea]: My Buns of Steel videos are in there!
[The space ship interior was filmed in a large South African factory.]
Mike: Doesn't this gigantic basement make the ship kind of bottom-heavy?
[After an extra passes the main characters in a hallway.]
Servo [as extra]: Hi guys.
[After the same extra passes the main characters again going the opposite direction.]
Servo [as extra]: Hi again guys.

[Rangers show Bellerians their room, which has an unmentioned box on the floor.]
Servo [as Ranger]: Oh, and, uh, by the way ladies, there's a ferret cage by the wall if you need it.

[Lea dances provocatively with a hula hoop as Ryder watches.]
Crow [as Ryder]: What is she thinkin'? I'm a weightlifter! C'mon!

[Kalgan and his bodyguard take off in an Enforcer after killing Lt. Lamont. Lea and Ryder rush over and discover her dead body.]
Servo [as Lamont]: Tell my wife I love her...ugh...
Crow [as Ryder]: Oh yeah, sometimes I pass out after I do a military after a bench.
Ryder: There they go!
[They spot Kalgan's tiny Enforcer puttering away at a very low speed.]
Mike: Herve Villechaize's death car.
Ryder: Let's take this!
[Ryder and Lea jump into another nearby Enforcer vehicle (which looks like a bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan.]
Servo [renaming Ryder]: Fridge Largemeat.
Mike [renaming Ryder]: Punt Speedchunk.
Crow [renaming Ryder]: Butch Deadlift.
[Ryder and Lea put on helmets and set off at an equally slow speed.]
Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy.
Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
Servo [as Kalgan]: Hit the siren! [Servo begins humming calliope music.]
[Lea readies a shoulder-mounted weapon. Kalgan lowers his visor.]
Kalgan [to Bodyguard]: Go!
Mike [as Kalgan]: Let's see what this Lark can do!
Crow [as Kalgan]: We need both horsepowers on this thing!
[Kalgan fires a laser gun at Ryder's Enforcer as he rounds a corner.]
Lea [shrilly]: Dave, look out!
Servo: Did they just hit a poodle?
Crow [imitating Lea's scream]: "Dave, look out!"
[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons.]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!
Crow [as Kalgan]: Put the top up! PUT THE TOP UP!

[On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.]
Capt. Devers: Sir.
Crow [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
. . .
[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.]
Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
Capt. Devers: Helveca?
Mike [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font!
. . .
Cmdr. Jansen: … so it would have to be somebody on this ship…
Servo: Brilliant!
. . .
Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
. . .
[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.]
Mike [as Devers]: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan.

[The ultra-slim Bellerians dance around in cutout leotards.]
Mike [as Bellerian]: Oh, I hate food.

[Ryder chases lame-legged traitor MacPhearson into the "gas expulsion sump".]
MacPhearson: Ryder?! It doesn't have to be this way!
Crow [as MacPhearson]: I love you!
. . .
[Ryder turns on the gas, than shoots it with his laser pistol, sending a stream of fire towards MacPhearson.]
Mike: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!
Crow: Well, I have learned one thing from this movie, Mike — not to sit in our gas expulsion sump. We've gotta stop having lunch there.

[In the film's final scene, the camera moves ever-so-slowly in on Kalgan's burned body.]
Mike: Cajun pan-blackened Kalgan.
Servo: And, his eyes open.
Crow: And his eyes open.
Mike: His eyes open.
Servo: Eyes open.
Crow: Eyes open.
Mike: His eyes open.
Crow: Come on!
Servo: Man!
[Kalgan's eyes finally open.]
Servo [as Kalgan]: I'm sitting in something wet.
[He looks menacingly into the camera.]
Crow [as Kalgan]: Me, take me away!
Mike: We don't need more Kalgan.
. . .
[The credits roll.]
Servo: Boy, you know, a retarded jellyfish could make a better movie than this. Whoo!
Crow: A severly impaired box turtle with a very busy schedule — just give him a camera for a day — he'd come up with something better than this.
. . .
[Closing song "The Edge of a Dream" (sung by Steve McClintock) plays along with the credits.]
McClintock: … There's no feelin' the time / I'm eager to go…
Servo: You know, it is statistically proven that 78% of white guys can sing like this.
Crow: Really? Hmph… 'cause no-one else wants to, probably.
McClintock: … Maybe I'll fall / But maybe I'll fly…
Crow [as McClintock]: Though I highly doubt it!
McClintock: Here I am!
Crow [as McClintock]: I'm staying in my parent's basement till I find a job
[The credits show: "Continuity: Bev Wilbraham".]
Servo: Ah, "Continuity: Bev Wilbraham"? So can she be legally arrested now?

[Commander Jansen, who looks like Santa Claus, accesses a voice-operated computer database]

Commander Jansen: Open file on...
Mike [as Jansen]: Blitzen.

Dave Ryder: Commander, excuse me, but I have to file my report.
Mike [as Ryder]: Coach'll totally ream me if I don't file my report!

[Ryder beats up a masked villain]

Tom Servo: There must be an elderly woman with the flu under that mask.

Time Chasers

[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects.]
Nick: Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!
Servo [as Nick]: A crop-dusting genius!

[Nick boots up his computer.]
Servo: You've got mail… pattern baldness!

[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone.]
Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents?

[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by.]
Servo: Hey, look — a lesbian… of the future!
[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court.]
Mike: Food courts… of the future!

[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.]
Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!

[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to that of large vehicles driving in reverse]
Servo: Great, now the garbage truck's backing up!

[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick struggles to hang onto the wing.]
Crow [as Nick]: Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!

[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software.]
Servo: So, eight 5¼-inch floppies hold the keys to time travel.
[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electonics, including one suspisciously long box with a cord coming out of it...]
Mike: Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...

[The credits begin to roll... A slow, low pitched tune comes up]
Mike': Who'se playing the chamber pot?!
[The writer credit appears.]
Crow: Written? This movie was written? I don't think so.

[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a very long list of people and organizations.]
Mike: All these people bear… some responsibility, you know.

Servo: Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont".]
Servo: Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

[At the movie opens, Apollonia and Fingal (Raúl Juliá) accidentally meet. As she leaves, he turns to watch her go.]
Servo [as Fingal/Gomez]: Oh, if only she spoke French!
⇒ Referring to Juliá's role in the movie The Addams Family.

[A shuttle passenger dashes empoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]
Fingal: I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?
Shuttle Passenger: An anteater. Maybe.
Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

[Cut to an overhead interior shot of Nirvana Village, a mall-like building whose floor reads NIRVANA.]
Crow: [singing to Nirvana's "Come As You Are"]
Come as you are
To my mall
To my atrium, yeah yeah!

[Apollonia reviews Fingal's file on her computer while thin co-worker Djamilla snacks.]
Apollonia: How do you suppose he managed to scroll up cinemas?
Servo [as Djamilla]: Mmm, it's Alt-7.
Djamilla: Forget it! That's why he's doing rehab in the starving, worn-out baboon, and we're in here getting fat on Flav-o-Fibes!
Crow: Yeah, you big tubs!

[A teacher tells a crowd of restless kids about the purpose of color-tagging unconscious patients.]
Teacher: Each color has a different destination. Green for the slumber room, yellow for organ transplant, and so on.
Marco: And… blue, like this?
Teacher: Well… that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.
Marco: Is it sexy?
Teacher: We'll talk about it later. Now, come along — the class is waiting in the doppling room.
[As she turns away, the boy switches a patient's blue tag with a red one.]
Servo: D'oh… The littlest sexual deviant!
. . .
[As the medico and teacher stop little Desirée from touching Fingal's exposed brain, Marco looks for more mischief.]
Servo: Is it Children of the Damned Day at the brain institute here?

[Apollonia, Djamilla, and Slavin spout technobabble while trying to find Fingal in the virtual world.]
Servo: Why don't you reconst your Flav-o-Fibes!
. . .
[Inside the simulation, Fingal feels dizzy.]
Fingal: I better call for a medico.
Servo: Yeah, on the Voice-Com Flav-o-Link Synth— aghhhh!

[Outside the virtual Nirvana Village, the camera pans across a 1940s black ambulance.]
Crow: Clara Barton's getaway car!

[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]
Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life…
Crow: Whoa!
Apollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
Servo: Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part?

Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
[She slaps him.]
Crow [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually.

Apollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is.
Servo: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start.

[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]
Rick: What're you gonna do?
Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
Mike: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!

[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]
Mike: This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.

[Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.]
Crow: Eating Raul!

[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie.]
Servo: Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh?

Fingal: Mom...'m I nuts?
Servo: My nuts?

[After several seconds of The Chairman's talking image on a floating rotating screen in the center of Novicorp]
Mike: Really REALLY Big Brother.
Servo: Hey, someone turn off the fat rotating guy!

Mike: You know, I'll bet no one scrolls up this 'cinemas'.

[Raúl Juliá's face appears in the middle of a floating, psychadelic cube.]
Mike: This lovely Raúl Juliá pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Channel.
Crow: Look, it's a Raúl-bik's Cube!
Servo: Hey, hey guys, I thought he was Puerto Rican--
Mike: No, no...
Servo: --I didn't know he was Cube-an!

Season 9

The Projected Man

[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]
Observer: Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… [increasingly melodramatically] wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe! Nepenthe!
Pearl: You are so gay.
Observer: I could be wrong.

[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat!
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in!
Crow [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans!
Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay.
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
Mike: Are we not blokes?
⇒ Riffing on the title of Devo's album Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!. Devo's signature look is echoed by the scientist's costumes.
Prof. Steiner: Relay One.
Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end!

[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]
Thief: Gloria?
Mike [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A?
Thief: Gloria!
Servo [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo!
Thief: Gloria!
Crow [as Thief]: I hear they got your number.

The Phantom Planet

[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]
Mike: Pat Buchanan's first day as President.

Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it.
Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?

[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
Servo [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness.

[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]
Chapman: I don't understand.
Sessom: There are many things you will not understand here…
Crow [as Sessom]: … being an obvious doorknob.

[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]
Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
Servo [as Jury]: [cheering]
We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Guilty! Guilty!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Whoo! Yaaaay!

[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
Crow: So people are just balloons?

[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
White: Where's Makonnen?
Chapman: He's dead. Gone.
Mike [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.

Puma Man

Vadinho: My name is Vadinho.
Crow [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion.

[Vadinho takes whiny Tony to his barren campsite in an old warehouse.]
Tony You sleep on rags?
Mike [as Tony]: Are you poor? Ewwww!

[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]
Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda.

[Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]
Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.
Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!
Mike [as Jane]: But my will won't!
Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.
Servo: Amelia Airhead.

[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.]
Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!
Servo [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes!

[Kobras commands the Pumaman remotely with the mask.]
Kobras: Because you are made of earth…
Crow [as Kobras]: Corn grows in you!
Kobras: ...and to earth you shall return!
Mike: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]
Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.
Mike: To be left alone — the goal of every great hero!

[The soundtrack is silent as Puma Man leaps behind a goon and takes him into the air. Suddenly, the Puma Man theme plays.]
Crow: Yay! Happy Music!

[As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…]
Crow: [singing to "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"]
Believe it or not, this movie's still on.
It should have ended two hours ago!

[As a man falls on-screen, but due to bad editing is not going straight down]
Servo: Help! I'm falling at a forty-five degree angle, violating all the laws of physics!
[Puma man throws two villians into a "stone" wall that visibly shakes]
Mike: The wall didn't bend. Ignore that.

Kobras: I will conquer the world. Who is to stop me?
Servo: Uh, a halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?

[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily]
Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.

[Puma man has just allowed the villain, played by Donald Pleasence, to escape yet again]
Mike [sighing]: World...get used to being run by Donald Pleasence.

Werewolf

[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]
Servo: No, wait! It's a gorilla!
[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]
Servo: ...With a dog mask on!

[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]
Paul: I'm actually working on something now.
Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter?
Crow [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all.

[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
Servo [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.
Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.

[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]
Mike [as Natalie]: Pol, You is a weerwelf!

[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow [as Yuri]: Yes, we is.
Natalie: But over my dead' 'BODy.

The Deadly Bees

[Slender British rock band The Birds, not to be confused with the more popular Byrds, perform a song.]
Crow: (Singing) Eight Miles... wrong!
Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.

[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.]
Mike: Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins!
. . .
Crow: She's Popeye in drag.

[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]
Coroner: Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death?
Hargrove: The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees.
Coroner: And her dog?
Servo [as Hargrove]: Uh, the dog didn't sting her.

[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]
Servo: [singing to "Sleigh Bells"] Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]
Crow: Hey, it's Nondescript Spice.
Mike: Whose woods these are?
Crow: Well, I think I know.
Mike: Huh.
[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]
Servo: [gasps] Killer cookie crumbs!
Crow [as Doris]: Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of.

Manfred: Mind you, everyone blamed Hargrove.
Tom, Mike, and Crow (in a monotonous drone): We blame you, Hargrove.

[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]
Crow: The house was made of typing paper and oily rags.

[Mrs. Hargrove has baggy eyes and a wrinkled face]
Mike: Starring John Hurt as Mrs. Hargrove.

The Space Children

Century 21 Calling (short)

[In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.]
Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back.

[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.]
Crow [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

[A lady at the How Do Animals Learn? exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]
Mike [as lady]: Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird?

[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]
Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line?
Servo [as Customer]: No.
Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
Mike: Well, andante, maybe.
Crow [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.

[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]
Bell Woman: [voiceover] It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]
Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?

The Space Children (movie)

[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]
Crow [as Bud]: [mesmerized] Yes — I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales.

[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by Russell Johnson), but is finally caught.]
Crow: Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by "And The Rest"!

[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]
Anne Brewster: How does it tell you, and why?
Bud: I don't think you'd understand.
[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]
Mike [as Anne]: Oh, I'll just go wish myself into the cornfield.

[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]
Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like?
Crow [as Brewster]: Well, it's got a good personality…

Hobgoblins

[Security guard McCreedy makes a crunching noise while walking.]
Mike: He got Pringles in his shoes?

[McCreedy leads his assistant Dennis into the locked storage facility.]
Crow [as McCreedy]: In here's my secret stash of Cheetos, Dr Pepper, and back issues of Cosmo!

[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]
Servo [as Announcer]: Member, FDI-Murder!
Crow [as Announcer]: Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die!
⇒ Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.

[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]
Servo: Oh, it's over! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
Mike: No, these are the beginning credits!
Servo: Oh. Well then kill me, please!

[Kevin pulls up in front of his house in his oddly colored Camero.]
Crow: Paint my muscle car prune-colored, please!

[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]
Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…?
Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.

[As the garden tool battle rages on...]
Crow: Did you know that Nick went on to play...Pong in his underwear while drinking beer?

[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]
Crow: So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny,

halfwit coward"?


Would-be Robber: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
Crow: Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much.

[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]
Crow: Th-that is not a woman, that's David Lee Roth!

[Nick throws himself on a grenade, which explodes, covering him in flames.]
Mike [as Nick]: My fajita plate was really hot, and I touched it!

[Shortly after the grenade incident, Nick returns with only crutches and a few bandages.]
Crow: So, the result of his complete immolation is just… minor redness and irritation.

Crow: We are in Hell right? I mean now when we meet people, we can tell them we have actually been to Hell?

[Movie studio security guard Mr. McCreedy calls his boss in the middle of the night]
McCreedy: I'm sorry to wake you, but there was an accident at the studio.
Crow [as McCreedy]: We made Hobgoblins.

The Touch of Satan

[Crow and Servo, bundled in winter wear, come a-wassailing before Mike, who lacks wassail because it's July.]
Servo: Well, the point is, if you can't provide wassail for wee, humble, tattered minstrels, you gotta turn over your debit card and PIN number immediately.
Crow: Yeah, it's a custom that goes back centuries.
Mike: Nuh-uh! You made that up.
Servo: Nuh-uh! Listen to the song:
Crow, Servo: [singing to "Here We Come A-Wassailing"]
If the person who you sing to can't provide the wassail,
You are entitled to his debit card and PIN number.
Love and joy come to you
Unless you can't provide the wassail,
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow, Servo: [singing]
Then severe financial penalties shall co-o-ome to you,
Then severe financial penalties to you.
. . .
[Mike returns with wassail in convenient 12-ounce pop-top cans.]
Servo: Hold on there, Nelson — canned wassail!
Crow: No way, my friend!
[Mike pulls out some manuscript paper.]
Mike: Oh, yeah! I checked the lyrics to your dumb little song, and it doesn't say anything about canned wassail.
Servo: Wait, lemme see that there. [singing] If the party of the first part… [speaking] Damn! He's right!
Crow: Nelson, you found a loophole, ya rat!

[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]
Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them…
Servo: Mercy?
Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
Mike [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.

[A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]
Servo: Grandma Kramer!
. . .
Luther: What happened? What have you done?
Servo [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!

[Lucinda happens to be fair-skinned and have white hair]
Servo: The last days of Edgar Winter...

Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]
Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.
Crow [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
Servo [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.

[Walnut farmer Luther Strickland unloads hay bales from the back of a truck.]
Servo [as Luther]: Man, these walnuts are tearin' through the hay!

[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
Jody: Why did you run?
Servo [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
Mike [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
Crow [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.
. . .
Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that.
Servo [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives.
Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in…
Melissa: Stop it.
Jody: You don't believe that?
Melissa: No.
Jody: Well, it could be true.
Melissa: Stop it.
Mike [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives!

[An orange maverick pulls up to the Strickland's house as Lucinda kills the deputy]
Mike [as Belvedere (Dukes of Hazzard)]: Right about then, them Duke boys showed up.

[In Jody's 19th-century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]
Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…"
Servo [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine.
Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…"
Crow [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap.
Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears."
Mike [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think.
Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]
Strickland: What is it, child?
Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something.
Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God.
Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
Strickland: "Yea…"
Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!"
Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…"
Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…"
Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
. . .
[Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.]
Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…"
Servo [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it?
Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…"
Mike [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…"
Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…"
Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there.

[The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.]
Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that?
Servo [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones!

[Strickland has long sideburns and a haircut uncannily like Franz Schubert]
Strickland: "I believe..."
Mike (as Strickland): "I'm Franz Schubert"

[Melissa comes across Jody at a pond, throwing rocks.]
Jody: Is this your pond?
Melissa: Yeah.
Jody: Mind if I skip rocks across it?
Melissa: No. That your car?
Jody: Yeah.
Crow [as Melissa]: Can I skip rocks across it?

Gorgo

[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.]
Crow: [singing to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"]
They got into port and everyone was okay.
They went out for lunch and felt better.

[Sam and Joe call McLearan's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]
McLearan: After you load with water… you leave. Tonight!
Joe: The sooner, the better!
Servo [as Joe/Cheerleader]: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
Crow [as Sam/Cheerleader]: Yay!

[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]
Servo: I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
Crow: Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
Servo: Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
Crow: Yeah. I- I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
Servo: D'oh!
Mike: Hey! Tha- that doesn't even work!
Crow: [lewdly] Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
Mike: That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I—
[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]
Mike: You know what I mean. Stop it.

The Final Sacrifice

[Troy visits his father's grave.]
Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died.

[Troy talks to his aunt about his deceased father.]
Troy: Am I like him?
Mike [as Aunt Betty]: No, he was masculine and likeable.

[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader.
⇒ Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.

Zap Rowsdower: I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
. . .
Crow [as Troy]: So, Rowsdower… Is that a stupid name, or…?

[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]
Pipper: Troy McGreggor? … Thomas's son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Servo [as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious!

[Using a board as a straight-edge, Mike Pipper draws lines between the corner icons on Troy's map.]
Crow: He's playing Connect-the-Gods.
. . .
Crow [as Pipper/Yosemite Sam]: Ooooh, I needs an eraser!

[Troy and Pipper are discussing who Zap is.]
Troy: You don't mean that—
Pipper: Killed your father?
Crow [as Pipper]: Sounds fun, but I'm busy!

[The unimpressive Lost City of Ziox rises out of the Alberta wilderness.]
Servo: It's not actually a lost city — it was just unclaimed.

[Rowsdower looks up at the sky.]
Crow [as Zap Rowsdower]: I wonder if there's beer on the sun.

Devil Fish

[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]
Peter: Janet! Janet!
Servo [as Peter]: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty. Miss Jackson!

[Pan over the face of the Devil Fish, including its (corrugated) teeth]
Mike (As Devil Fish): I'm Devil Fish for Polident.

[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. Donald Walter West.]
Dr. Davis: Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor.
Dr. West: In his hands.
Dr. Davis: Exactly.
Crow [as Davis]: Yeah, thanks for helping me out there.

[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]
Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]: Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade!
Servo: I bet they hired every nature-hating psycho in Dade County.

[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number one. Report in.
Squad Member: Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.
Crow [as Squad Member]: B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-n-nothing yet.
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Servo [as Dead Squad Member]: We done been et, over!
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Crow: Oh, they'll be number two soon enough.
. . .
[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Devil Fish]: [singing to Neil Young's "Southern Man"] Southern man, gonna eat your head!
. . .
[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]
Crow: Well, this should take care of every living thing in the Everglades.
. . .
[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Sheriff]: Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!
Crow: Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for flamethrowers?
. . .
[Close up of burning water]
Mike: Euw, someone threw a march on the Cuyahoga River.

The Screaming Skull

Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)

[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]
Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard!
[Another robot chops down a tree.]
Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay!
[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]
Crow: Habitat Against Humanity.

[Gumby and Pokey are sitting at the kitchen table drinking milk with Gumby's Mother nearby.]
Gumby's Mother: Such clever boys certainly deserve some crackers with their milk.
Servo: Crackers??? Wow! Maybe they can have some white rice later!

[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]
Crow [as Weatherman]: It's a fair to partly-cottony day…

[Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]
Mike [as Gumbo]: Thank goodness for the internal genitalia!

Crow: Gumbo's sentenced to wear permanent bell-bottoms.

{Gumby lifts a robot out of a hole with a crane. It hangs limply and is rather crushed.}
Servo: Oh, look at that robot! Oh, that's disgusting!

{A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".}
Servo: Aah! They hung his head! Oh…
Crow: Now I'm ready for years of powerful Adlerian therapy, Mike.
Servo: They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than Seven!

The Screaming Skull (movie)

[After the narrator goes on and on about shocking horror and how horrifying the movie is, it starts out with a beautiful garden. A Mercedes drives up.]
Tom: Shocking horror arrives in style in its '52 Mercedes!

[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]
Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well!

[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]
Mike [as Rev. Snow]: Have you tried talking to your minister about this?

[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]
Servo: Kiri Te Kanawa is drunk again!

[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]
Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.
Mike: [I] think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull".

[As Jenni screams and runs, she comes to the stairs. A skull rests on the stairs, and when she attempts to climb the stairs, it tumbles down.]
Crow: Everyone knows it's Slink-skull!

[Jenni runs past the camera, arms flailing.]
Mike [as Olive Oyl]: Ohhhh, Popeye!

Quest of the Delta Knights

[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]
Baydool: ¿Como te llamas?
Servo [as Tee]: Yeah, yo quiero Taco Bell, whatever.
Baydool: Comment vous-appelez vous?
Crow [as Tee]: Je m'appelle… Bite Me!

[While Tee is looking away…]
Baydool: Time for food.
Crow [as Baydool]: Hope you like rats!
[Tee suddenly shows great interest in Baydool's words.]
Baydool: English, eh? My name is Baydool.
Servo [as Baydool]: Oh, wait — that's my intestinal condition.
Baydool: Can you say "Baydool"?
Pearl [as Tee]: Let me try… "Get Bent". Eh— no, I guess I can't.

[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]
Pearl [as Tee]: I'll see if Bombadil has a place to crash.

[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]
Servo [as Tee]: Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'im!

[In the palace, the Mannerjay (played by Olivia Hussey from "Romeo & Juliet") paces back and forth.]
Servo [as Mannerjay]: [singing to "Love Theme from 'Romeo and Juliet'"]
A time for us
To be in a crappy film!

[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]
Servo [as Slave]: Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?
. . .
Lord Vultare: We've rounded up a number of suspects.
Crow [as Vultare]: … including Kevin Spacey.
Lord Vultare: I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.
Mannerjay: What of the map?
Lord Vultare: No word. It seems…
Pearl [as Vultare]: … chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy?

[The three are imprisoned in a cublicle made of gnarly sticks and logs, with a fire going]
Crow: Bent Foliage State Prison.
Mike: Well only 60% of the prisoners break out the first night.

[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]
Loony Henchman: I'm com-iiiing!
Mike [as The Prince]: Put a sock in it, Legolas!

[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]
Servo [as Vultare]: "Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation."

Season 10

Soultaker

[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway.]
Crow: Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash!
Mike [as Soultaker/Cash]: [singing to "I Walk the Line"] Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit.

[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.]
Crow: That's not Natalie — that's Tonya Harding!

[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan!

[At Summerfest, the Angel of Death points out to Soultaker his next victims.]
Soultaker: Is that all?
Angel Of Death: No. There's one more.
[The camera focuses on Natalie.]
Mike [as Angel Of Death]: Just hit her in the leg with a pipe.

[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]
Natalie: Karen!
Mike [as Karen]: Sorry! Love is lifting me up where I belong!
. . .
[Natalie stomps in frustration.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: The lace on my skate broke!
. . .
[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: Jeff Gillooly did it!

[Black-clad Soultaker (played by Joe Estevez) walks down the middle of a road, stopping on the painted line.]
Servo [as Soultaker]: Hey, I do— I really do walk the line!
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Hi folks. You may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.

[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]
Mike: She's survived by her Danskins.
. . .
[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]
Servo [as Natalie/Tonya]: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you!

[The Soultaker looks menacingly at the four ambulatory crash victims.]
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: My nephew made Mighty Ducks!



[Upset that the gas station clerk is ignoring him, Tommy takes a bottle from the refrigerator and breaks it on the floor]
Crow [as Tommy]: If I die, I'm gonna die eating string cheese and Fruitopia!

[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]
Tommy: What do you want?
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Do you have a phone, so I can call Martin to take over my role?

[After seeing Zach thrown out the second floor window by The Soultaker (Joe Estevez), disguised as Natalie's mother, Natalie races outside and rejoins the miraculously unharmed Zach.]
Mike [as Zach]: Your mom is weird.



[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]
Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom!
Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
Natalie: What?
Mike [as Zach/Actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap!

[Zach drags Natalie running toward the hospital.]
Servo [as Natalie]: Hold on — my soul isn't wearing a sports bra!

[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]
Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
Crow: We have! Can we go?!

[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge.]
Soultaker: It's all over now.
Servo: Oh, ho, I wish that were true!

Brad: Zach...Led Zeppelin was wrong, man.
Servo [as Zach]: Shut up!
Brad: There is no Stairway to Heaven!
Servo [as Zach]: Zep is never wrong, man!
Mike [as Zach]: Is Sabbath wrong too, man?!

[Brad, who has long hair and a receding hairline, is waiting in his car]
Mike: He's preparing for the mother of all comb-overs.

Girl in Gold Boots

Mike [as Buz]: Thank God he didn't notice my weird, pushed-in face.

[During a drug deal, Buz lets the pusher know where he stashed the drugs on his car]
Buz: Hey, pal? Why don't you look at the tire?
Mike [as pusher]: Sure, I enjoy a good radial as much as the next guy.

Critter: You know, Buz, you're like a blind rattlesnake. You hear a noise and you just snap.
Mike [as Buz]: Yeah, well...you're like a deaf puff adder!

[Critter, a draft dodger, is singing a melancholy love song in a tunnel]
Servo [laughs]: The draft board just called and said "Never mind."

[Michele dances enthusiatically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]
Mike: She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.

[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michele moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]
Servo: Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
Mike: So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
. . .
Critter: [singing] But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
Servo: [singing] You're living a lie.
Critter: [singing] You gotta come down.
Servo: [singing] You dance like a clown.
Critter: [singing] By and by.
Servo: [singing] I hope that you die!

[In a resturaunt Michelle and Critter are talking when Buzz suddenly appears at the booth]
Servo: I'm back!
Mike: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow: C'mon, I just teleported here. It's impressive!

[As our "heroes" drive through L.A. a Christmas song can be heard]

Tom(singing) Oh, Charles Manson walks the streets, the Zodiac Killer's at large, Charles Bukowski is pukin' out the window, and Santa Claus is on his way!

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]
Servo [as Miffy]: Meow, meow… safe! Meow, meow… very safe!
⇒ Riffing on the dental torture scene in Marathon Man.

[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]
Servo [as Madeline]: Honey? You okay down there?
Mike [as Cooper]: Eh, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!

[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?
Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
Mike: So, she threatened him with sex?

[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]
David: God help me!
Servo [as God]: Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own.

Crow [as Merlin]: I'm going to hit the mystical can.
. . .
Crow [as Merlin]: Remember to believe in magic… or I'll kill you.

[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]
Merlin: Heed my words....
Mike [as Merlin]: ...munch my shorts....

[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]
Cooper: Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being! I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
Mike: [laughs] Why?

[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]
Merlin: Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
Mike [as Merlin]: ...you fine!

[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]
Crow : Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.

[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]
Servo [as the Kid]: [slowly] Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!

[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]
Cooper: You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
Crow [as Cooper]: My cheek-lines disagree.

[Cooper has cast a spell that allows him to breathe fire using Merlin's book]
Mike: Surely, Merlin has brought good into the world!

[Grandpa has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]
Crow [as Grandpa]: I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much.

Future War

[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]
Servo: Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Mike: Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
Crow [as Fred]: Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.

[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]
Crow: He's a Cute-a-saurus!

[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]
Mike : [laughs] You know, this has got to be the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster.

[Characters flee through a shipping yard full of obviously empty cardboard boxes.]
Mike: Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
Mike: Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons or something.

Blood Waters of Dr. Z

[The opening credits show: "Blood Waters of Dr. Z".]
Servo: Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.

[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the walking catfish moves.]
Narrator: Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
Crow [as Narrator]: … like Courtney Love.

[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]
Mike: He's a Cop-a-feel-acanth.

[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her jumpsuit.]
Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow: A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?
Mike: Hmmm…

Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues

[Over the muddy waters of southern Arkansas.]
Mike: Jim Stafford's bathwater.

[Narrator "Doc" Lockart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]
Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
Servo [as Doc]: Prize student in that she gets C's, but she's really cute.

[Doc and party get ready to leave a backwater country store.]
Servo: Ya like to contribute to our fund for the War against Northern Aggression?
. . .
[Backwater town locals at a general store laugh at Doc's plans to hunt for the creature.]
Store Keeper: Ya know sumthin', Will? We oughta go down there t' that swamp tonight with a monkey suit, and these here folks would stay tomorrow night in a motel in the city!
Servo [as Will]: That ain't gonna work now, Earl — he's standin' right there!
[Doc turns to leave the store, passing a "Closed — Call Again" sign.]
Mike [as Doc]: And I will not call again.

[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]
Servo: Lucy Bra-less!



[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]
Crow [as Doc]: Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my gaydar.

Track of the Moon Beast

[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]
Kathy: Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Mike [as Paul]: Like Wahoo McDaniels.
Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that… reaches long to its mark".
Crow [as Kathy]: Oh! Is he seeing anyone?

[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]
Servo [as Paul]: Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth.

[Paul rises after fainting.]
Paul: I guess I blacked out.
Mike: Um, excuse me, you African-Americaned out.

[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.]
Mike: He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
Crow: Maybe he has a trampoline in there.
. . .
[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]
Mike [as Lizard]: Well… now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?

[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]
Mike: Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
⇒ "... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down" was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early and unstable versions of Microsoft Windows.
[Paul is sleeping in a lawn chair]
Servo [as Paul]:Oh no, I'm stuck to the chintz lawn chair! (makes peeling noise]
(Route 66)
Servo:Get your kicks on MEEEEEE!

[seeing a close-up shot of the moon]
Crow [dumbfounded]: Wha--tha--THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!
Servo: Yeah, the moon had to pull out of this movie at the last minute.

Final Justice

[Chief Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palmero to Italy.]
Chief Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
Mike: That's hard to do!

[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Cars provided by Matchbox.

[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]
Servo: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.

[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]
Mike: Guess he's a… felonious monk!
. . .
Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!

[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]
Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.

Hamlet

[Mike and the 'Bots are introducing themselves.]
Mike: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson here along with Gypsy...
Gypsy: Hi.
Mike: ...Crow T. Robot...
Crow: Hi.
Mike: ...and Servo...
Servo: Um, it's "Sirveaux."
Mike: That's what I said. Servo.
Servo: Oh, no. See, I changed my name. It's not "Servo" anymore. It's "Sirveaux." It sounds the same, only it's spelled S-I-R-V-E-A-U-X. Sirveaux. Just grab that visual aid down there.
[Mike picks up a card reading "Sirveaux."]
Crow: So you want us to call you "Sirveaux" from now on.
Servo: Yeah, I'd prefer it.
Gypsy: What if we call you "Servo?"
Servo: I won't respond!
[Commercial Sign]
Mike: Anyway, we'll be right back.
Servo: Oh, and I added an "h" to my first name, so you can call me...
Mike: Lemme guess: T-H-O-M, "Thom."
Servo: Oh, no, no. The "h" is at the beginning, so it's "H-Tom."
Crow: Well, "H-Tom," why don't you "H-lick" me?
Gypsy: Heh! That's a good one!
Crow: Thanks.
Mike: Sorry about this. We'll be right back.
[Commercial]


[Hamlet walks slowly up the steps toward the ghost of his father.]
Mike: Now, this is an action scene for this movie.
Servo: Huh. He's doing the "I was told to report to the principal's office" walk.
. . .
The Ghost: [in quavering voice] I am thy father's spirit.
Crow [as The Ghost]: I've got a bit of the flu.
. . .
The Ghost: Murder most foul.
Crow: He killed a chicken?

[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]
Servo [as Hamlet]: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
. . .
[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]
Mike [as Hamlet]: [in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.

[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]
Ophelia: My prince…
Servo [as Ophelia]: … are back from Fotomat.
. . .
Hamlet: I never gave you aught.
Crow [as Ophelia]: Tscha!
Ophelia: My honored prince… you know right well you did.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Right well did not!

[Hamlet finishes his famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy.]
Mike [as Hamlet]: So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself — that's all you needed to say!

[The troupe of actors enter, wearing clown costumes and doing cartwheels.]
Servo: What's worse than clowns? Danish clowns.
Crow: Danish clowns. The damp, smelly, silverfish-infested basement of the clown world.
Mike [as Polonius]: Okay, out, out… out! All of you, get ou— you get out!
. . .
Crow [as Polonius]: I can't get rid of them — it's hopeless.
. . .
Hamlet: Give us a taste of your quality.
[The musicians strike up a looney tune while the others dance, hop, and cartwheel.]
Crow [as Hamlet]: I said quality, not idiocy!

[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.]
Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
Crow [as Polonius]: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me.

[The now-crazed Ophelia leaves the room.]
Mike [as Ophelia]: I'm going over to Lady Macbeth's!

[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]
Hamlet: Give us the foils.
Servo [as Hamlet]: We shall some potatoes bake.
. . .
[As Hamlet and Laertes duel, fanfare sounds, followed by booming cannons.]
Servo: Gah! [A] Finnish scud missile just exploded!

[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]
Claudius: Here, to thy health.
Servo [as Claudius]: … coming to a sudden end.
. . .
[Queen Gertrude raises the poisoned-wine cup to her son.]
Getrude: The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet!
[Hamlet raises his foil in salute to his mother.]
Crow [as Hamlet]: Whatever!
. . .
[Gertrude dies in her Hamlet's arms after drinking the poisoned wine.]
Laertes: You hold the deadly weapon in thine hands.
Crow [as Hamlet]: What, Mom?

It Lives by Night

[The opening credits display: "IT Lives By Night".]
Crow : Well, it shouldn't drink so much coffee!

[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]
Mike [as Kipling]: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants!

[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]
Mike [as Kipling]: Um… do you have any drug allergies?

[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]
Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Servo [as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.
. . .
Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck…
Mike [as Kipling]: … you're a loser, baby.

[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]
Crow: Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?

Horrors of Spider Island

Mike : Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet.

[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]
Servo: Lucky sign!

[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]
Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota!
⇒ Alluding to professional wrestler and former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura.

[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]
Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
Servo [as Bobby]: But I like Tonya Harding!
. . .
[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]
Servo [as Bobby]: Boy! Defending my misogyny really takes commitment!

[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]
Georgia: Gary!
Crow [as Georgia]: Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
Gary: This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Servo [as Gary]: Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
Crow [as Gary]: It's pretty windy too! And high humidity!

Squirm

A Case of Spring Fever (short)

[Coily, omniscient and almighty guardian of springs, instantly rids the entire world of springs because a lumpy fellow named Gilbert fails to fully appreciate their abilities.]
Mike: So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays???
Crow [as Gilbert]: No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.

Coily: So, you don't want to see any more springs, do ya?! Well, I'll see to it that you get that wish!
Crow [as Coily]: In hell!

[Gilbert, a flabby old man, is finding a world without springs to be difficult]
Mike [as Gilbert]: Well, it's not as bad as the time I said "no muscle tone." I never recovered from that.

Crow: Where does Coily fit into God's plan for us?

Gilbert: Aw, gee, Coily! I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I've said! Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish!
Coily: Well...
Mike: No!
Coily: ...Okay! I'll do it! Just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again!
[Everything is restored to normal]
Servo: So, Coily waited all eternity for this one moment and he backs down almost instantly?

[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]
Gilbert: Hey, Joe! Wake up!
Crow [as Gilbert]: It's Coily's army of darkness! Look!
. . .
Joe: You and your springs! I hope I never see another—
Gilbert: Stop! Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live!
[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]
Servo [as Coily]: You'll be the first to die!

Squirm (movie)

[the title SQUIRM appears on the screen]
Mike: I don't know why but okay! [All three squirm]

[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]
Mike [dramatically] :Of a man named Jed!
Servo [as Granny Clampett]:JEEEED!!!

[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]
Mama: Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
Mike[as Geri]: Mom, you don't even have a butt.
Mama: I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
Crow[as Geri]: Mother! That's private.

[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]
Geri: Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases.
Mama Sanders: Well… well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room.
Servo [as Mama Sanders]: … along with Daddy.

[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]
Mick: No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark.
Servo [as Geri]: Mom cracked in 1953.

[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sander's home from outside in the dark.]
Servo [as Roger/Stevie Wonder ]: Isn't she lovely?

Diabolik

[Diabolik's sporty car dashes through a dirt road and bushes.]
Mike: [singing to the Batman TV theme] Duh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh, this guy!

[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]
Servo [as Diabolik]: Let's have a tantric quickie.
Mike [as Eva]: Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store.
Servo: This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel.
Crow: Heh! She's a great samaritan!
Servo [as Diabolik]: You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you?

[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]
Mike: Wow! Dangerously steep stairs!
Servo: You're watching the stairs? Poor Mike…

[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]
Mike: The S. S. Jo Anne Worley!
Valmont: Is that stud coming?

[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]
Servo [as Diabolik]: My steel, reusable Fleet.
Mike [as Diabolik]: Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him.

[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]
Servo: This has been the official biopic of Larry Fine.
⇒ Final line ever said in the theater.

[At home, the gang watches The Crawling Eye, the first film in MST3K's cable run.]
Crow: This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?
Servo: Hmmm.
⇒ Final lines of the series.

[The series' closing "stinger", or sample scene from the film.]
Valmont: Is that stud coming?

Specials

MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special

MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review

MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review

X-Files: Fight the Future

[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]
Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!
Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
Crow [as Mulder]: … unlike me.

Kid on Bike: You're not FBI agents!
Mulder: How do you know?
Kid on Bike: 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
Servo [as Mulder]: Yeah, well, you look like Howdy Doody with a headcold.

Ever After

Baroness De Ghent: Your features are so… masculine.
Mike [as De Ghent]: You look like Pat Summerall.
. . .
Baroness De Ghent: No wonder you're built for hard labour.
Crow [as De Ghent]: You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.

[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]
Mike [as Danielle]: I sneezed in my cocaine.

Halloween: H2O

Crow: Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.
Servo: Um-hmm.
Mike: Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.

The Truman Show

[Truman is talking to Lauren.]
Truman: Would you wanna—
Mike [as Lauren]: No.
Truman: Maybe possibly—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Sometime—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
Mike [as Lauren]: Well, oka— no!
Lauren: Yeah… I can't.
Truman: Saturday?
Lauren: I can't.
Truman: Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?
[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]
Servo [as Lauren]: N-O! Th-the W is silent.

Saving Private Ryan

Corporal Upham: It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.
Captain Miller: Did you fire the weapon in basic training?
Corporal Upham: Yes, sir.
Mike [as Upham]: But I shot my sergeant.

MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special

Assignment: Venezuela (short)

NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD and videocassette.
[Driving through Maracaibo, narrator Jim and his coworker see a building with a huge sign: CRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.]
Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Cran Venta" at home, too!
Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
Mike [as Narrator]: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!

Narrator: Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do now is lick that language problem.
Crow [as Narrator]: … and Escobar here.

[Jim is shown around his future Quonset-hut home by the present husband and wife occupants.]
Servo [as Wife]: [in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out it if I were you.

Narrator: The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.
Mike [as Narrator]: It's called Venezuela-lization.
⇒ A mocking parallel to Vietnamization.

Narrator: I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom.
Mike [as Narrator]: I think it was Zorro or something.

Unknown episode

Major cast

See also

External links





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