MXC

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Announcer Quotes

• (The opening of every episode) "Welcome to MXC, the world's toughest competition in town."
• "What are these people running from? They're not; they're running to the world's toughest competition in town."

Vic Romano Quotes

• "Let's take a look at that on our MXC Impact Replay!'"
• "That's our MXC Impact Replay!'" (Usually said after a spectacular crash and burn by a contestant that looks very painful.)
• "And the cons have resorted to livestock!"
• "He's spontaneously donated his pancreas!"
• "Kenny Blankenship": "If I were to hug you right now, would that be gay?"

Vic: "Kenny, I want you to scootch back over to your side of the broadcast booth and let's get back to the action."

• (At the end of a show pitting Circus people against the Travel industry) "You know, I've really enjoyed those silly freaks and clowns, but I've also enjoyed the circus people as well."
• Kenny: "And this one I call 'Road Kill.'" (On-screen caption: "Don't be even stupider and try this at home, either.") "This was a great elimination game, until some idiot put a ramp there. We tried it again without the ramp, but we can't show that footage until the case is settled."

Vic: "Was that my car?"

Kenny: "Uh, let's go to Guy!"

• "Josh (Jarhead) showing some great vocal versatility, singing above the key and below it at the same time."
• "I miss Mister Sparkly the unicorn."
• "That's Dick Zibra who works for 'Spunt TV', the second network for men."
• "He's majoring in testicular studies at Ball State (University)."
• "Here's Churchy Winston. He is a Pace Car driver for the Royal family Paparazzi motorcade"
• "And here's Bruce Fossy. He's the president of the Chorus Union Local 5-6-7-8..."
• "Right you are, Ken!"
• "Good to know, Ken."
• "Indeed!"
• Vic: "Next up, it's Jean-Claude Babaganoosh!

Jean-Claude: "I'll die for you!"

Kenny: "Yeah, he played the heroic martyr in 'Full Metal Burka'".

• "Here's Craig Simmons, creator of Weightnessless Watchers".

Kenny: "Yeah, for fat astronauts."

Vic: "Right you are, Ken."

Kenny: "Ass-tronauts."

Vic: "Kenny?"

Kenny: "Ass-tro-nauts."

Vic: "Uh, Kenny..."

Kenny: "Ass-tro-nauts."

Vic: "All right, Kenny, let's get back to the action."

• A contestant identified as student government employee Lester Wayne in the "MXC Almost Live" special: "It doesn't matter what I'm saying, you're going to overdub my voice!"

Vic: " What was that?"

Kenny: "Overdub what?"

Vic: "What does that mean?"

(Wayne promptly falls in the water in "Sinkers and Floaters", cast by MXC's writers/producers as being from the bongs of schools in the Pacific Ten Conference.)

Kenny: "He wished he could overdub that run." (Note: This is an in-joke about the show's dubbing.)

• Everyone: "Don't get eliminated!" (Said at the end of each show.)
• Kenny: "He fell right on his nads."

Vic: "Kenny!"

Kenny: "Oh sorry, I used the wrong verb. I mean nards." (Vic sighs.)

• Vic: "Next up, it's Tex Babaganoosh."

Tex: "Book 'em, Achmed!"

Vic: "He's the star of C.S.I. Baghdad."

• Vic: "[This contestant] is an exchange student from the Wyoming Institute of Automobile Repair."

Kenny: "The Wy-I-Auto!". [Pronounced "Why I oughta"]

• You can see the wife here, prattling on incessently as wives do...
• Goes deep with a ball that smells like the back of a Buick on prom night.
• Oh, he gets slammed by #78, Manu Tuisopolopolis from American Greek Samoa.
• And next up is Brass Balls of Love or as I like to call it, Orbs e Amore.
• (Describing a Challenge) And our first challenge today is the Turtle Gut Check, based on the beloved bedtime story, The Princess and the Cleaver, an enchanting tale of a strapping young stevador who - with the help of magical sleeping sea turtles - travels to the tiny kingdom of Gazebo and rescues the royal conjoined virgin twins who were forcably separated by Rusty and Crusty, unlicensed pirate surgeons.

Kenny Blankenship Quotes

• "Hi mom!"
• (During a particularly painful replay from "Log Drop"): "Let's hear the bones snap!" (He then goes on to rewind and replay that shot about 5 times.)
• "He shoots lasers out of his third nard."
• (Before "Amusement Parks vs. The World's Oldest Profession"): "We have a show with hookers!"
• "Chicks collect glass!"
• "ASS-tronauts"
• No puss, no fear with the Pusskateer.
• Yeah, Vic, if the object of the game were to watch the ball go through your hands, he would've won.
• Hey, he's wearing an antenna. I think he's radio-controlled.
• She could use like a crystal GPS or something.
• She's got no way out here, Vic...except...maybe right there...
• AHAHA! Smart people are dumb!

Captain Tenneal Quotes

• Mmm...let's go!
• (said before every game) "Get it on!"
• (after asking a question and getting a show of hands from the teams): "Well, you're wrong!"
• "Boy this is gonna be a great game, I can feel it in my bone. (To himself:) I'm a dirty man. (To teams:) Umm, Let's Go!"
• A man who can't drink and dance will never get in a lady's pants.

Captain: Now, look at this guy. You look fit and healthy. Say something.
Contestant: Yeah, but I like my women BIG!
Captain: Aw-ha! I could rock on a back porch all day, too!

Guy LeDouche Quotes

• "Oh ho ho, Guy like!"
• Gidget LeDouche: "I pleasure myself with the French language!"
• And now the man who raises my flag, the Skipper.
• Oh, you got blind-nutted. Tell our viewers what it was like.
• Don't tell her, but the camera just zoomed in on her mommybags and she doesn't even know it!
• So, B'jork, what happened to you? You were doing so well, then BOOM, splooge...
• Oh, trucking: sleeper cabs, long hauls, tight shifts, and anonymous rest area encounters...aw haw!
• When I think of gambling, I think of Vegas, glitz, glamour, naughty showgirls, and of course my snug-fitting shorts.

Guy: So, do you see a sexy blonde in Guy's future?

Diane Warwicke: No.

Guy: How about a shapely brunette with large breasts?

Diane: You? I don't think so.

Guy: What should Guy do?

Diane: Use your hand.

Guy: *GASP!* Ohhh! Guy like!

Vic: Looks like Guy will be doing some palm reading of his own.

Contestant Intros

• First up for The Monsters is the team of Childhood Fears: Monster-Under-The-Bed, Closet Monster, and Drunk Stepdad.
• Next up is Uncivil Liberty, the lovable mascot of Our Land is Our Land, the anti-immigration movement.
• Here's Queerwig. He climbs into the ears of sleeping children and turns them into gay teens.
• Up first for the World Team is Tim Babwe, he's a sprinter from Ghana who now delivers flyers for a struggling yard maintenance company.
• Next is Kessebeck Babbaganoosh from the caves of Backpakistan, he's the long-jumper with the short temper.
• Next up from Bangladesh, power walker Gangar Bangar.
• That's Curtiss Bauman. He's a rap lyricist specializing in rhyming words that end in I-G-G-A.
• Here's Dwayne Dwyer, he's not really into fitness; he just likes to hand out water at marathons.
• And here's Morty Liberman. He's a silver medalist in Orthodox Judo.
• There's Ellis Toni, he thinks up questions for breast exams.
• Yes, that's Skippy Cunningham, who for twenty-five years played the lovable ten-year-old Postie Malph on Enjoyable Times.

Vic: First up Nepal's Tenzing Southpaw
Tenzing: Because its there!

Vic: Next up, Father Richard Bamey. He's a pole vaulter turned priest.
Father Bamey: Gimmie the rope, Captain Crunch!
Captain: Hey, watch your mouth!

Vic: Next up, Tina Davis.
Tina: Hammer Time!
Vic: She's a former Ammerican hammerthrower turned actress.

Contestant: Volare!
Vic: Up next Veni Vedivici, champion Italian tricyclist.
Ken: He won the Big Wheel 500.

Vic: Here's Mill Rogers
Mill: I work for no one.
Vic: He's a rigless truck driver, which means he's got no truck, no trailer for sale or rent, or room to let fifty cents. No pool, no phone, no pets for that matter.
Ken: I bet he's got no cigarettes.
Vic: He is definitely a man of means by no means.
Ken: He's like, king of the road.
Vic: Right you are, Ken.

Contestant: No picture ID required! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Vic: And here's Tabulah Babaganoosh, owner of Happy Jihad One-Way Truck Rentals.

Vic: Up first is Wendy Fleiss
Wendy: Party!
Vic: She's a duty-free hooker that operates out of 7 major hubs

Contestant: Load me from the rear!
Vic: And up next is Bob Tail, he's an alternative lifestyle trucker. Works for Glory Haulers, a rough-trade trucking firm out of West Hollywood, California.
Kenny: They're known for their tastefully-decorated sleeper cabs.

Vic: First up for the Monsters, its Allahzilla Babbaganoosh, the murderous mutated eggplant from the Middle Eastern reaches of the Milky Way.

Ken: Yeah, he's got a sidekick; his name is Shishkabobatron.

Vic: First up, Redeye, the giant skinmite from the Planet Scabies of the Psoriasis Nebula.

Vic: And next up, Amber Frohm, she illegally downloaded music off the Internet, and now heads up the prison music program.

Contestant Quotes

• (Rob Tussin, a contestant who had attempted a backflip, and ended up landing on his head, right before his run on Sinkers & Floaters) "I have blood in my stool."
• "I like to fart in my car!"
• "This one's for my homies!"
• "AAAAAAHHHHH!!"
• "I like cheese!"
• "I have a song for you!... Milk, milk, lemonade-- turn the corner, fudge is made"
• "CORN DOGS!"
• "I like the feel of cement in my pants, it's, uh... squishy."
• "I was funkified before, I'm gonna get funkified again!"
• "Love you Denzel!"
• "Nose-nuggets!"
• "Cheese logs rule!"
• "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! Just kidding, you can hate me."
• (during the Couples version of Wall Buggers) "Ah, get that big fat Irish butt over here, Seamus O'Malley!" "All right woman, just stick it up yer craw!"
• "I lift my leg to pee!"
• "I have twelve cats!"
• (A large female contestant in "Amusement Parks vs. The World's Oldest Profession" named Kitty Litter) "C'mon baby, supersize it!"
• (A character named "Mister Spanky", who had a hand on his head and his face where the palm should be): "Hi there. Now remember, boys and girls, when your mommy leaves the room, go inside her purse, take out all the money, and send it all to me!" (NOTE: This was a thinly-veiled reference to an infamous incident on New Year's Day of 1965 by Soupy Sales in New York City.)
• Female contestant after getting hit in the pubic region Stop aiming for my basket!
• Female Contestant: Put your money on me, boys, I'm going all the way!
  
• "I ain't nobody's bitch!"
• "Give me butter!!"
• "Drink Bleach!"
• "'Cause it's there!"

Female Contestant: You win and we do it the other way!
Male Contestant: Its about time!

Female Contestant: Don't screw it up, honey!
Male Contestant: Our marriage is loveless!

Female Contestant: I'll tell everyone you cry during sex!
Male Contestant: Do not!

Other

Vic: "Did you know that versions of the show are produced all over the world? Here's MXC in the foreign nation of New Jersey."
Jersey 'Vic': (in a thick Jersey accent) "Hey, yo, Benny, we gotta *bleep*in' great show today, right, we got two teams of *bleep*in' jerk offs gonna get their heads *bleep*in' smashed, right? Hey, first up we gotta *bleep*in' Surfboard of *bleep*in' Death!"
Contestant: "*bleep*off!"
Jersey 'Vic': "Ah, this little hot number right here is Maria Pasascini, she serves cocktails at the Badda-Boom Room - oh-ho! She got dropped like a *bleep*in' chump in the Hudson. *bleep*in' A! Here's Vinnie the snitch." (Contestant hits wall followed by gunshot) "*bleep*sucker! *bleep*in' A! Nobody likes a *bleep*in' snitch!"
Kenny: "What a weird language. What's '*bleep*in' A' mean?"
Vic: "Well, Kenny, that's New Jerseian for 'indeed.' After the first round, the gamblers are ahead, one to nothing."
Kenny: "*bleep*in' A!"
Vic: "Indeed!"