M*A*S*H (TV series)

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Contents 1 Season 1 1.1 M*A*S*H the Pilot [1.01] 1.2 To Market, To Market [1.02] 1.3 Requiem for a Lightweight [1.03] 1.4 Chief Surgeon Who?" [1.04] 1.5 The Moose [1.05] 1.6 Yankee Doodle Doctor [1.06] 1.7 Bananas, Crackers and Nuts [1.07] 1.8 Cowboy [1.08] 1.9 Henry, Please Come Home [1.09] 1.10 I Hate A Mystery [1.10] 1.11 Germ Warfare [1.11] 1.12 Dear Dad [1.12] 1.13 Edwina [1.13] 1.14 Love Story [1.14] 1.15 Tuttle [1.15] 1.16 Sometimes You Hear the Bullet [1.17] 1.17 Dear Dad, Again [1.18] 1.18 The Army-Navy Game [1.20] 1.19 Sticky Wicket [1.21] 1.20 Major Fred C. Dobbs [1.22] 1.21 Showtime [1.24] 2 Season 2 2.1 Divided We Stand [2.01] 2.2 5 O'Clock Charlie [2.02] 2.3 Radar's Report [2.03] 2.4 For The Good of the Outfit [2.04] 2.5 Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde [2.05] 2.6 Kim [2.06] 2.7 L.I.P. [2.07] 2.8 The Trial of Henry Blake [2.08] 2.9 Dear Dad, Three [2.09] 2.10 The Sniper [2.10] 2.11 Carry On, Hawkeye [2.11] 2.12 The Incubator [2.12] 2.13 Deal Me Out [2.13] 2.14 Hot Lips and Empty Arms [2.14] 2.15 Officer's Only [2.15] 2.16 Henry In Love [2.16] 2.17 For Want of a Boot [2.17] 2.18 Operation Noselift [2.18] 2.19 The Chosen People [2.19] 2.20 As You Were [2.20] 2.21 Crisis [2.21] 2.22 George [2.22] 2.23 A Smattering of Intelligence [2.24] 3 Season 3 3.1 The General Flipped at Dawn [3.01] 3.2 Rainbow Bridge [3.02] 3.3 Officer of the Day [3.03] 3.4 Iron Guts Kelly [3.04] 3.5 O.R. [3.05] 3.6 Springtime [3.06] 3.7 Check Up [3.07] 3.8 Life With Father [3.08] 3.9 Alcoholics Unaminous [3.09] 3.10 There Is Nothing Like a Nurse [3.10] 3.11 Adam's Ribs [3.11] 3.12 A Full Rich Day [3.12] 3.13 Mad Dogs and Servicemen [3.13] 3.14 Private Charles Lamb [3.14] 3.15 Bombed [3.15] 3.16 Bulletin Board [3.16] 3.17 The Consultant [3.17] 3.18 House Arrest [3.18] 3.19 Aid Station [3.19] 3.20 Love and Marriage [3.20] 3.21 Big Mac [3.21] 3.22 Payday [3.22] 3.23 White Gold [3.23] 3.24 Abyssinia, Henry [3.24] 4 Season 4 4.1 Welcome To Korea [4.01] 4.2 Change of Command [4.02] 4.3 It Happened One Night [4.03] 4.4 The Late Captain Pierce [4.04] 4.5 Hey, Doc [4.05] 4.6 The Bus [4.06] 4.7 The Kids [4.08] 4.8 Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler? [4.09] 4.9 Dear Peggy [4.10] 4.10 Of Moose and Men [4.11] 4.11 Soldier of the Month [4.12] 4.12 The Gun [4.13] 4.13 Mail Call Again [4.14] 4.14 The Price of Tomato Juice [4.15] 4.15 Dear Ma [4.16] 4.16 Hawkeye [4.18] 4.17 Some 38th Parallels [4.19] 4.18 The Novocaine Mutiny [4.20] 4.19 Smilin' Jack [4.21] 4.20 The More I See You [4.22] 4.21 The Interview [4.24] 5 Season 5 5.1 Bug Out [5.01] 5.2 Out of Sight, Out of Mind [5.03] 5.3 The Nurses [5.05] 5.4 The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan [5.06] 5.5 Dear Sigmund [5.07] 5.6 The Korean Surgeon [5.09] 5.7 Hawkeye Get Your Gun [5.10] 5.8 The Colonel's Horse [5.11] 5.9 Exorcism [5.12] 5.10 Hawk's Nightmare [5.13] 5.11 38 Across [5.15] 5.12 Ping Pong [5.16] 5.13 End Run [5.17] 5.14 Hepatitis [5.19] 5.15 The General's Practitioner [5.20] 5.16 Movie Tonight [5.21] 5.17 Post Op [5.23] 5.18 Margaret's Marriage [5.24] 6 Season 6 6.1 Fade Out, Fade In [6.01] 6.2 Fallen Idol [6.02] 6.3 Last Laugh [6.03] 6.4 War of Nerves [6.04] 6.5 The Winchester Tapes [6.05] 6.6 The Light That Failed [6.06] 6.7 In Love and War [6.07] 6.8 Change Day [6.08] 6.9 Images [6.09] 6.10 The M*A*S*H Olympics [6.10] 6.11 The Grim Reaper [6.11] 6.12 The Smell of Music [6.15] 6.13 Patent 4077 [6.16] 6.14 Tea and Empathy [6.17] 6.15 What's Up, Doc? [6.19] 6.16 Mail Call Three [6.20] 6.17 Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde [6.23] 6.18 Major Topper [6.24] 7 Season 7 7.1 Commander Pierce [7.01] 7.2 Peace On Us [7.02] 7.3 Lil [7.03] 7.4 Our Finest Hour [7.04] 7.5 The Billfold Syndrome [7.05] 7.6 None Like It Hot [7.06] 7.7 They Call the Wind Korea [7.07] 7.8 Major Ego [7.08] 7.9 Baby, it's Cold Outside [7.09] 7.10 Point of View [7.10] 7.11 Dear Comrade [7.11] 7.12 The Young and the Restless [7.18] 7.13 Hot Lips is Back in Town [7.19] 7.14 C*A*V*E [7.20] 7.15 Rally Around the Flagg, Boys [7.21] 7.16 Prevetive Medicine [7.22] 7.17 A Night at Rosie's [7.23] 7.18 Ain't Love Grand [7.24] 7.19 The Party [7.25] 8 Season 8 8.1 Are You Now, Margaret? [8.02] 8.2 Goodbye, Radar (Part 1) [8.04] 8.3 Goodbye, Radar (Part 2) [8.05] 8.4 Period of Adjustment [8.06] 8.5 Private Finance [8.08] 8.6 Mr. and Mrs. Who? [8.09] 8.7 The Yalu Brick Road [8.10] 8.8 Life Time [8.11] 8.9 Dear Uncle Abdul [8.12] 8.10 Stars and Stripes [8.14] 8.11 Bottle Fatigue [8.16] 8.12 Heal Thyself [8.17] 8.13 Morale Victory [8.19] 8.14 Goodbye, Cruel World [8.21] 8.15 Dreams [8.22] 8.16 Back Pay [8.24] 8.17 April Fools [8.25] 9 Season 9 9.1 The Best of Enemies [9.01] 9.2 Cementing Relationships [9.03] 9.3 A War For All Seasons [9.06] 9.4 Your Retention Please [9.07] 9.5 Tell it To the Marines [9.08] 9.6 Operation Friendship [9.10] 9.7 No Laughing Matter [9.13] 9.8 Bottoms Up [9.15] 9.9 The Foresight Saga [9.19] 10 Season 10 10.1 Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye [10.04] 10.2 Communication Breakdown [10.06] 10.3 Pressure Points [10.15] 10.4 Where There's A Will, There's A War [10.16] 10.5 Sons and Bowlers [10.19] 10.6 Picture This [10.20] 10.7 That Darn Kid [10.21] 11 Season 11 11.1 Trick or Treatment [11.02] 11.2 Foreign Affairs [11.03] 11.3 The Joker is Wild [11.04] 11.4 Who Knew? [11.05] 11.5 The Moon is Not Blue [11.08] 11.6 Goodbye, Farewell and Amen [11.16] 12 Unknown episodes 12.1 Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce 12.2 Lieutenent Colonel Henry B. Blake 12.3 Corporal Walter "Radar" O'Reilly 12.4 Corporal/Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger 12.5 Col. Sherman T. Potter 12.6 Major Frank M. Burns 12.7 Major Charles Emerson Winchester III 12.8 PA announcements 12.9 South Koreans

Season 1

M*A*S*H the Pilot [1.01]

• Hawkeye: "Hey Ho-Jon come here. I gotta letter from Dean Lodge."
  Trapper: "Is that a good place to stay?"

• Hawkeye: "Sorry baby."
  Margaret: "That's Major to you!"
  Hawkeye: "Sorry Major baby."

• Hawkeye Pierce, about Frank Burns: "Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!"

• Hawkeye: "Ya know we gotta do it someday. Invite all the jokers from the north and the south for a cocktail party...Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!"

• Frank: "What are you doing up there!?"
  Hawkeye: "I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank."
  Frank: "Since when are you two interested in the Bible?"
  Trapper: "I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it."

• Hawkeye: "Aw, great, we screwed up in reverse."

(seeing Frank, wrapped in gauze, enter the mess tent)

• Hawkeye: "The mummy strikes."

• Margaret: "Those two, they're ruining this war, for all of us!"

• Frank: "Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!?"
  Hawkeye: "Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel!"

• Trapper McIntyre, talking about Frank's Bible: "I peeked at the end, Frank; the Devil did it."

[edit]

To Market, To Market [1.02]

• Henry Blake: "Radar, do you know what kind of wood this is?"
  Radar: "Oak, sir?"
  Henry: "No, it's oak."

<i>(Henry, Hawkeye, Frank and Trapper watch the desk being airlifted out)

• Hawkeye: "Pardon me Henry, isn't that your desk?"
  Henry: "Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk."
  Trapper: "Sending it out to be waxed?"
  Henry: "I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up...up...up."
  Hawkeye: "To a far, far better place I'm sure."

• Frank: "I'd like to get a good look at your legs."
  Korean Black Marketeer: "Ohhh, one of those, huh?"

Requiem for a Lightweight [1.03]

• Trapper John McIntyre: "If you won't help us, we'll tell everyone your brother's in jail."
  Henry Blake: "My brother is a warden!"
  Hawkeye Pierce: "We won't say that part."

• Margaret: "Isn't that Frank's bag?"
  Trapper: "I thought you were Frank's bag."

• Radar: "A guy told me when he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him. He punched it."
  Hawkeye: "He punched it?"
  Radar: "He knocked it out."
  Trapper: "Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!"
  Hawkeye: "Showboat."

• Frank: "That's ether!"
  Hawkeye: "A little louder, Frank. I think the cook didn't hear you."

Chief Surgeon Who?" [1.04]

• Frank: "He's out of uniform, as usual."
  Hawkeye: "I've tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me."

• Hawkeye: "I don't like this. How many did you take?"
  Trapper: "Three."
  Hawkeye: "And you, Kaplan?"
  Kaplan: "Two."
  Hawkeye: " And you didn't take any?"
  Ugly John: "Nope."
  Trapper(to Ugly John): "How would you like a land mine up your moustache?"

• General Barker: "What are you doing, Corporal?"
  Radar: Doing, sir?"
  Barker: "D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing!?"
  Radar: "I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir."

• Hawkeye(to Henry referring to Frank): "I can't understand why. He's the one with a $35,000 car and two houses."

• Trapper(on presentation of volleyball to Hawkeye) Your orb, sir.
  (on presentation of toilet plunger to Hawkeye) And your sceptre.

(in shorts, T-shirt, and dressing gown)

• Hawkeye: "Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?"

• General Barker: "Can I make a suggestion about Major Burns? Give him a high colonic and send him on a five mile hike."

• Frank: I've got oak leaves on my collar."
  Henry: "And I've got dimples on my butt!"

• Henry: "Frank Burns is the biggest horse's patoot in the army!!"

(Henry is appointing a head surgeon)

• Frank: "I can adjust, sir."
  Henry: "Good, Frank. Cause I'm giving it to Pierce."
  Frank: "WHAT!? You can't! I won't stand for it!"
  Henry: "Frank! The one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife! Now, I think that Pierce is the most fully competent surgeon around here, specializing in both chest and general surgery!
  Frank: "Are you suggesting he's a better surgeon than I am?"
  Henry: Yes! When the heat's on!"

The Moose [1.05]

• Hawkeye: "I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry."
  Spearchucker: "Henry? Our Henry?"
  Trapper: "I thought you said you were going to do something about this."

• Spearchucker: "And when you talk to people, don't look down. Look them in the eye and don't back off. See? We're all the same. Get it?
  Yong Hi: "Excuse it, not the same."
  Spearchucker: "How do you figure?"
  Yong Hi: "You need shave."

• Hawkeye: "Another name for "gooks" is "people"."

• Trapper (about the Swamp): "Someone broke in here and committed a neatness!"

• Radar (when peering through telescope at nurse entering shower): "I'm still blocked...hoo boy, am I blocked."

Yankee Doodle Doctor [1.06]

• Henry: "Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the general?"
  Radar: "Oh, nobody does, sir."
  Henry: "Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't."

• Frank: "You...you..."
  Hawkeye: "Who are you calling a you-you?"

• Hawkeye: "Gee I was sitting around minding my own business, when all of a sudden POOF a star is born!"

• Hawkeye (to a nurse, as the Groucho-inspired doctor in the film): "Wanna go to the oxygen tent for some heavy breathing?"

• Hawkeye: "Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about... no promises, no guaranteed survival... no 'saints in surgical garb.' Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending. But then no war is a movie."

Bananas, Crackers and Nuts [1.07]

• Hawkeye: "I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!"

Cowboy [1.08]

• Henry (walking into the Swamp): "Alright, Trapper. Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know!"
  Trapper, (talking to Hawkeye): "Would you mind translating that, please?"
  Henry: "You wouldn't be the first man in the Army to try and kill his commanding officer."
  Trapper: "Steady, Henry, your glue is melting."
  Hawkeye: "Henry, Trapper may be insane, but he's not crazy."
  Henry: "Where were you this afternoon?"
  Trapper: "Henry, I was in the supply room doing a hundred yard dash with a nurse!"
  Henry: "And tonight, what about tonight when a jeep went though my quarters?"
  Trapper: "When a what went through your where?"
  Hawkeye: "Henry, he was here with me."
  Henry: "Oh, yeah? And just where is here?"
  Hawkeye: "Here is where we are."
  Henry: "Oh, is here, here?"
  Trapper: "Henry...Henry, are you alright?"
  Henry: "I'm fine, tent smashed. Jeep, tent, BOOM!"

• Hawkeye: "...Box 742, (holds hand over microphone), Reno... Goodbuy, Henry."

• Trapper: "Come on, Frank! Outta the way!"
  Frank: "You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else."
  Trapper: "Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!"
  Frank: "Over my dead body."
  Trapper: "Great idea!"

(Henry has just been shot at while playing golf)

• Henry: "What the hell was that?"
  Hawkeye: "I don't know, but you'll have to take a stroke."
  Henry: "But I can't even find my ball!"
  Hawkeye: "Well then, that's two strokes."

Henry, Please Come Home [1.09]

• Radar O'Reilly: "They aren't gonna like this."
  Frank Burns: "I didn't come here to be liked."
  Radar: "You certainly came to the right place."

• Hawkeye: "Do you mind if we swim through?"

I Hate A Mystery [1.10]

• Henry: "I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave."
  Hawkeye: "I would've read it, but the notice was stolen."

• Ho-Jon: I have 300 dollars now.
  Hawkeye Pierce: Well, he's been saving up what little he had... and stealing from my poker winnings!"

• Hawkeye:"I lured the criminal to repeat his attempt to steal his ill-gotten booty. Or his ill-booten goty. Which he has done.

• Hawkeye: "And now, the gentle sounds of the swizzel stick..."
  Hawkeye listens for a sound but hears nothing
  Hawkeye: "And now, the gentle sounds of the swizzle stick...Ho-John?"
  Ho-John: "Sorry, Hawkeye, no stizzle swick?"
  Hawkeye: "Who took my 'stizzle swick'!?

Germ Warfare [1.11]

• Hawkeye (at show-end with test results on Frank's blood): "Uh oh. Bad news, Frank. You've got anaemia."
  Trapper: "Well, what do you expect, giving blood in the middle of the night?"
  Hawkeye: "Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank."

• Hawkeye: "Good vork, Igor. In the morning, he'll be one of my brides."
  Trapper: "Shhhh, not so loud, my Count."

Dear Dad [1.12]

• Trapper: "What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married. But figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands of figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure."

• PA Announcement: "Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike." (Silence)

• PA Announcement: "Attention all personnel, when filling out GI Insurance forms, please state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday."

• Trapper (during Henry's lecture): "Henry, Figure A just fell asleep."

• Wounded Solider's buddy (looking at Hawkeye suspended from a helicopter): "And you said there was no Santa Claus."

Edwina [1.13]

• Hawkeye: "Edwina, may I kiss you?"
  Edwina: "Is your mouth insured?"

• Hawkeye (to Edwina): "Dance with me--carefully?"

Love Story [1.14]

• Radar (referring to a book Hawkeye is holding): "War AND Peace?"
  Trapper: "Well, Tolstoy was very flexible."
  Hawkeye: "He went either way."

• Anderson: "I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Jean Sebastian."
  Radar: "Now that's highly significant."
  Anderson: "I haven't said anything yet."
  Radar: "That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant."

(Pierce and McIntyre are in Houlihan's cot)

• Margaret (exasperated): "What're you doing in by bed?!"</br>Hawkeye: "The first one was too hard..."</br>Trapper: "And the second one was too soft..."

• Hawkeye: "And one last thing..."
  Margaret (agitated): "What!?"
  Hawkeye: "Who is this man in bed next to me?"
  Trapper: "You don't know me; I followed you home from the movies."

Tuttle [1.15]

• Hawkeye Pierce: "I don't believe in atheism."

• Hawkeye Pierce (regarding the fictitious Capt. Tuttle): "Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes."

• Hawkeye: "It's hard to remember what Captain Tuttle looked like. In fact, you might say that together we all made up Captain Tuttle."

• Hawkeye (preparing Tuttle's profile): "And now, something for Hot Lips. Height--six-foot-four. Weight--190 pounds. Hair--auburn. Eyes--hazel."
  Trapper: "Hawkeye, I think I'm in love."

• PA Announcement: "Will Captain Jonathan Tuttle please report to Colonel Blake?"
  Hawkeye (to Trapper): "Should we go inside and build one?"

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet [1.17]

• Hawkeye Pierce: "Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?"
  Margaret Houlihan: "That's 'Major' to you, Captain!"
  Hawkeye Pierce: "Henry, you're not going to endorse this Major idiot's application, are you?"

• Tommy Gillis: "I'm keeping my country safe from the Communist menace!
  Hawkeye: "You used to BE a Communist!"
  Tommy Gillis: "Then I'm keeping my country safe from ME!"

• Henry Blake: "Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one."

Dear Dad, Again [1.18]

• Hawkeye, thinking as he writes: "I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink."
  Radar, walking past: "Now is that a nice thing to say?"

• Hawkeye: "I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad. We're nowhere near that organized."

• Trapper: "What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver..."
  Hawkeye: "What is that, an organ recital?"

• Henry: "Name a three-sided figure with two equal sides."
  Radar: "The Gettysburg Address."
  Henry: "For what speech is Abraham Lincoln most noted?"
  Radar: "The isosoles triangle--anything wrong, sir?"
  Henry: "No, your answers are correct. You just memorized the questions in the wrong order."

The Army-Navy Game [1.20]

• Henry, reading instructions: "And carefully cut the wires to the fuse at the head."
  (Trapper cuts the wire)
  Henry" "But first remove the fuse."
  (Everyone exchanges panicked looks, Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope)
  Trapper: "Psst. Psst."
  Hawkeye: "You spring a leak?"
  Trapper: "It stopped ticking."
  Hawkeye: "Let's get the hell out of here. We've only got 2 and a half minutes, maybe."

• Commander Sturner: "Well, there's only one thing to do."
  Henry: "What's that, sir?"
  Commander Sturner: "Punt."
  Henry: "I'm sorry, sir. Did you say...?"
  Commander Sturner: "My advice is to hoist anchor, shove off."
  Henry: "But the army's orders are to stay."
  Commander Sturner: "The army? What do they know? They just fumbled on their own one yard line."

• Colonel Hersh: "Try calling the navy."
  Henry: "Well, why would the navy drop a bomb on us?"
  Colonel Hersh: "Because we're beating them 14 to nothing."

• Colonel Hersh: "You got a stethoscope anyplace?"
  Hawkeye: "WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!"

Sticky Wicket [1.21]

(during a poker game in the Swamp)

• Hawkeye: "Can't you guys do that somewhere else?"
  Trapper: "Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?"
  Hawkeye: "I'm not doing anything!"
  Trapper: "Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?"

Major Fred C. Dobbs [1.22]

• Frank Burns : "I'll write you every day--faithfully."
  Margaret Houlihan: "You promise?"
  Frank Burns: "Just like I do my wife."

• PA Announcement: "Attention all personnel! Tonight's movies will be "Greed" and "The Major was a Miner," starring Major Frank 'There Goes My Transfer' Burns."

• Henry: "You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you."
  Frank: "Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline."
  Henry: "Well--so much for missing you."

Showtime [1.24]

• Kaplan: "How's the driver?"
  Hawkeye: "He's OK."
  Kaplan: "It figures. I'm going home--I'm in pieces. He's staying here--he doesn't bust a pimple."

Season 2

Divided We Stand [2.01]

• PA Announcement: *"Attention please. Immediately following Mass this Sunday, Yom Kippur services will be held for all Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith."

• Capt. Hildebrand: "It is to some degree understandable. You are, after all, only three miles from the front. You would not be the first people to crack under the stress of war."
  Frank Burns: "I resent that! I, for one, have not cracked because of the war."
  Hawkeye Pierce: "That's true, Captain."
  Frank Burns: "Thank you, Pierce."
  Hawkeye Pierce: "Frank showed up here cracked."

• Frank Burns, in Henry's office: "There you are, your lounge lizard at war."
  Trapper John: "That I gotta write down."

• Hawkeye: "Henry? Your fly is closed."

• Henry: "There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls."
  Captain Hildenbrandt: "Must be stealing their clothes."

• Frank (looking at his Bible): "Who re-wrote these Commandments?"

• Hawkeye (orders breakfast): "I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty."

(Reveille begins playing on the PA system and the first part keeps playing)

• Hawkeye: "Hey! Somebody give the place a shove!"
  (Record scratches and the song continues)
  Trapper (after song finishes): "What's going on?"
  Hawkeye: "I think this motel is surrounded by soldiers."

• Trapper: "Well, we did it again."
  Hawkeye: "Screwed up in reverse. We'll never get out of here."

• Hildenbrandt: "In my short stay here, I've seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses, voyeurism, fetishism, and a few 'isms' I've never even heard of. The people here are mad, quite mad, all of them. They are impossible people in an impossible place doing impossible work. The only act I can think of that would be madder would be to break them up."

5 O'Clock Charlie [2.02]

• Frank: "I want everybody to understand that this is war! And that war is a call to arms!"
  (Frank pulls out his gun but it has been replaced with a stapler)
  Hawkeye: "Here's the money mister, don't staple us!"

(When Frank pulls out his "plunger gun")

• Hawkeye: "Attaboy, Frank! Flush 'em out of the sky!"

• Frank: "I think it ill behooves us --"
  Hawkeye: "Behooves? What are we, in the cavalry now?"

• Cardozzo (in the Swamp): "I promised my wife that I would't have a drink or a woman until I got back."
  Hawkeye: "Ah, that's nice."
  Cardozzo (holding out a glass): "Give me a blast. Make it a short one--I've got a date tonight."

• PA Announcement: "The hospital will remain open 24 hours a day for your dancing and dining pleasure."

• Hawkeye: "You're out of uniform!"
  Nurse: "Where?"
  Hawkeye: "How about my tent in five minutes?"

Radar's Report [2.03]

• Freedman: "Sign this, soldier."
  Klinger: "What's it say?"
  Freedman: "It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual."
  Klinger: "I ain't any of those. Where do get off calling me that?"
  Freedman: "I think I got the idea from your cleavage."
  Klinger: "Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this."
  Freedman: "Hey soldier. You forgot your purse."

• Hawkeye: "Great little war we have here."
  Radar: "I could do without it."

For The Good of the Outfit [2.04]

• Hawkeye (after hanging up the phone): "The Major is the Army's distributor of crapola."

Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde [2.05]

• Henry: "I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce."
  Hawkeye: "You're gonna be frank with me?"
  Henry: "I mean blunt."
  Hawkeye: "Oh, that's good, otherwise Frank would try to be Henry with me. I don't think I could stand that."

• Henry: "You were ordered to stand down!"
  Hawkeye: "I did, but I fell up again."

• Hawkeye (to Radar): "World War II--a lot of good songs came out of that war. (singing) I'll be home for Christmas...You can plan on me...Please have snow...and mistletoe..and presents on the tree (hesitates) When der Fuhrer says...we is da master race...we go heil (Raspberry) heil (raspberry) right in the Fuhrer's face."

• Trapper: "I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die."

(Watching Hawkeye after he has been drugged)

• Radar: "When's he gonna fall down?"
  Trapper: "I don't know. Rasputin swallowed a whole drugstore and didn't even belch."

Kim [2.06]

• Hawkeye Pierce (looking for maps of the minefield) "Why aren't they under 'M'?"
  Radar O'Reilly: "Because they're under 'B' for 'boom'."

• Hawkeye Pierce"What a time for the kid not to understand english!"

• Hawkeye: "Looks like a pregnant bagpipe."
  Trapper: "Do bagpipes get pregnant?"
  Hawkeye: "Sure they do, right after they make those funny noises."

L.I.P. [2.07]

• Hoffman: "Don't they ever show anything but war pictures?"
  Hawkeye: "I think the Army's trying to prove movies are hell."

• Hawkeye (seeing that his patient is a baby): "Boy, did HIS Draft Board go crazy."

• Hoffman (as Hawkeye is leaving): "Is that it?"
  Hawkeye: "No, there's one more thing. (Raspberry)"

The Trial of Henry Blake [2.08]

• General Mitchell: "Who are you?"
  Margaret: "Majors Burns and Hollihan, sir!"
  General Mitchell: "Which is which?"
  Hawkeye: "Doesn't matter, they're interchangable."

• Trapper: "You're a Captain, and I'm a Captain. He's just a Major. Now if you were playing poker, two Captains would beat one Major."
  Hawkeye: "Unfortunatly he's not one of a kind."
  Trapper (nodding): "Hot lips."
  Hawkeye: "That's a bigger pair."

• Frank (to tribunal indicating Pierce): "This man is A-W-O-L."
  Margaret (indicating Trapper): "Him too. They're both AWOL."
  Trapper: "That's only because we're Absent Without Leave."

• Cratty (to tribunal): "Henry Blake is a caring, decent man--which is more than I can say about any of you high-priced bellhops."
  Hawkeye (to Cratty): "You're beautiful, you know."
  Cratty: "I used to be, sonny."

• Cratty (indicating pregnant Korean woman): "This is an example of Henry Blake's work."
  Henry: "Boy, that's all I need."

• Klinger: "I did it. I put the whole thing in his beer, like you said."
  Hawkeye: "Take two bras out of petty cash."

• Trapper (handing a note to Klinger): "For post-nasal drip."
  Klinger: "I haven't got post-nasal drip."
  Trapper: "Take it or I'll give you one."
  Klinger (reading note): "Yes, sir." (stops in front of guard and sniffs)

• Radar: "You can't not afford to give your feet the best home they ever had!"

• Major Murphy: "Charge two states that you have a non-com who's a transvestite."
  Henry: "I don't pry into a man's religion, sir."
  General Mitchell: "A transvestite wears dresses, Colonel."
  Henry: "Oh, Klinger."

• Hawkeye Pierce, looking up while kissing a nurse: "Did you see that?"
  Nurse: "See what?"
  Hawkeye: "A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet."
  Trapper: "Hey, Hawk. Did you see that?"
  Hawkeye: "What did you see?"
  Trapper: "A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet."
  Hawkeye: "See, I told ya!"

• Officer during a court martial: "So you admit that the corporal (Klinger) was found about several miles down the road.
  Henry Blake: "Yes, sir. In an unconscious condition looking like a big red bird with fuzzy pink feet."

Dear Dad, Three [2.09]

• Hawkeye (at show end, singing): "So don't forget, folks...that's what you get, folks...for making whoopee."
  Anna Lindstrom: "What is that--whoopee?"
  Hawkeye: "I'll be with you in a minute, darling."

• Henry (during comic-end of home movie): "That's Milt Jaffe, gynaecologist next door."
  Hawkeye: "Everyone should have a gynaecologist next door."

The Sniper [2.10]

• (Hawkeye grabs onto who he thinks is the sniper.)
  (Frank screams and starts shooting.)
  Hawkeye: "I got him! I got him! Stop shooting!"
  (Frank lights a match.)
  Hawkeye: "You almost killed me!"
  Frank: "I didn't fire it! I didn't! (looks at his gun) Yes, I did."
  (Hawkeye pulls Radar out from underneath a table.)
  Radar: "I had to get something to eat."
  Hawkeye: "You'd risk your life for a...a ketchup on rye?"
  Radar: "With butter and lettuce!"

• Radar (at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters): "Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?"
  (Hawkeye and Trapper don a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe.)
  Frank (awakening): "What's going on?"
  Hawkeye: "You have returned."

• Frank: "Surrender--didn't Pearl Harbour teach you anything? He fired on our white flag. We should fire on his...(as the others glare at him)...just spitballing.

• Frank: "When are you going to learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbour teach you anything?"

Carry On, Hawkeye [2.11]

• PA Announcement: "Due to the flu, kindly refrain from kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary."

• Hawkeye Pierce, talking to Radar in Henry's office:"It's hard to believe I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair. This is the chair in which a thousand indecisions have been launched."

• Henry Blake, sick yet acting healthy: "I'm in command again, I'm back on the bridge."
  (Henry sits down and starts slinking down to the floor)
  Hawkeye Pierce: "He went down with his desk."

• Hawkeye: "Send me Jack the Ripper! Anybody good with a knife!"

• (after Trapper tries to get up)
  Hawkeye: "Listen Trap, if you want to help me, don't help me. The only way you're going to get better is if you let yourself be sick."
  Trapper: "I think I can manage that." (Flops over)

• Trapper, to Hawkeye: "I think I'm getting better. There's two of you there. There used to be three."

• Hawkeye: "Radar, you'll be assisting Major Houlihan -- nurse, friend and all around good egg."
  Margaret: "He's very sick."

• Henry (at show end): "In recognition of your dedicated service during this last crisis, the 4077th is presenting you with this scroll." (holding up a roll of TP)
  Frank: "We all signed it."
  Hawkeye: "I'll never be able to look at this without thinking about you, Frank."
  Radar: "All right people. I order bed rest for this patient."

• Hawkeye: "You know those things we've said about you--all those nasty tricks we've played on you?"
  Margaret: "Yes?"
  Hawkeye: "I'd like to get better and do them all over again."

• Hawkeye: "You know that flu shot you gave me?"
  Margaret: "Yeah?"
  Hawkeye: "It must've worked, because I've got the flu."

The Incubator [2.12]

• Hawkeye Pierce (to supply officer, who has just turned down a request for an incubator): "We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven."
  Supply Officer: "Oh, those I can let you have."
  Henry Blake : "No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?"
  Supply Officer: "Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in 'Pizza' where it says 'Machine Gun'."

• (Radar walking into the swamp amazed at the drinking carnage)
  Radar: "WOW."
  Hawkeye: "There were no survivors."

• General Mitchell: "I wonder if you doctors understand going through channels, military-wise speaking."
  Trapper: "Sir, we started with a captain, went on to a major, then to a colonel."
  Hawkeye: "On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness, raging paranoia, and a colonel who's shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time."
  Trapper: "Which makes you the next contestant, General."
  Hawkeye: "And the subject you've chosen is 'Incubators.'
  Trapper: "And we need one."

• Henry: "Did you really call a one-star general a 'nincompoop'?"

• Henry: "Did you really yell 'Give me an incubator or give me death'?"

• Henry (after Sloan says 'incubator'): "'Arr she blows!"

• Hawkeye (regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied): "It's not like we're asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven."
  Sloan: "Those I can let you have."
  Henry: "Really? Gee those'd be great on movie nights!"

• Hawkeye: "You have a fever of 109 stroke 10, you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza to go, unless of course you go first."

Deal Me Out [2.13]

• Hawkeye Pierce, looking somewhat apprehensive and somewhat asleep during a poker game: "Everybody freeze!"
  Sidney Freedman: "What's the matter?"
  Hawkeye: "One of the sandwiches just moved"
  (Everyone turns to look at the sandwich plate)

• Hawkeye Pierce, during a poker game: Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
  Sidney Freedman: Sex.
  Hawkeye Pierce: Why?
  Sidney Freedman: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
  Hawkeye Pierce: Thank you, doctor.
  Sidney Freedman: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.

• Sidney Freedman, after being shot at: "I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!"

• Sidney Freedman, talking about a regulation: "That's crazy!"

• Captain Sam: "Suicide, That's Japanese. We don't do that Schtick."

• Captain Sam, during a poker game: "If I want to chew the fat, I'll eat a sandwitch."

• Sidney Freedman: "Klinger, be creative. I remember a guy who insisted he was a cockroach, would only crawl along the woodwork."
  Hawkeye: "That was Private Kafka, I believe."
  Sidney: "Then I had a young man who claimed to be reincarnated. Said he was with Washington at Valley Forge and therefore he'd already done his military service."

• Captain Sam: "Frank, what's new up on the Mount?"

• Halloran: "Hey, up close you're a man."
  Klinger: "Far away, too."

• PA Announcement: "Will doctors Pierce and McIntyre kindly return to the conference. They need your money."

Hot Lips and Empty Arms [2.14]

• Margaret Houlihan, in a huff: Where is Colonel Bubble-Head?
  Radar O'Reilly: He gave orders not to be disturbed.
  Margaret Houlihan: He already is disturbed.

• Margaret (to Hawkeye and Trapper): "Oh, go salute yourselves."

• Henry (about Margaret's departure): "We will keep this between us."
  Radar (over PA): "Attention! Major Margaret Houlihan will be leaving the 4077th M*A*S*H effective immediately. There will be wine served with dinner and ice cream with chocolate sauce."

• Margaret (following Hawkeye's "toast"): "I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving 'Come As Your Favourite Nude Pilgrim' party."

Officer's Only [2.15]

• Frank: "Major Frank Burns, sir, I was the backup surgeon to the assistance that might have been needed on the operation of your son."
  General Mitchell: "Okay..."
  Margaret: "Major Margaret Houlihan, sir. I'm in charge of nursing."
  Mitchell: "I can believe that."
  Hawkeye: "Captain Pierce, African explorer."

• Henry (while Klinger is "pregnant"): "It's none of my business Klinger, but should someone in your condition be smoking a cigar?"

• Hawkeye (introducing the enlisted men in the officer's club): "Corporal O'Reilly, who's been like a son to me. Corporal Kilnger, who's been like a daughter."

• Klinger: "Yes, sirs. Right away sirs."
  Hawkeye: "Cut that out, or I'll snap your garter."

• Duk (to Henry): "Can I get you something, sir?"
  Henry: "You bet--I'm dying for a banana daquiri."
  Duk: "Is that a drink?"
  Henry: "Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum, and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender."
  Duk: "We got no bananas, no blender, and powdered cream."
  Henry: "Okay, I'll have a beer."

• Hawkeye: "We got you drunk your first time."
  Trapper: "Taught you how to drive the jeep."
  Hawkeye: "All on the same night."

Henry In Love [2.16]

• Henry: "I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone."
  Trapper: "It's for the best, Henry."
  Hawkeye: "Yeah--if you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside."

• Frank: "It's nice to be nice to the nice."

For Want of a Boot [2.17]

• Margaret: "They love you, Frank."
  Frank: "It was their hatred that fooled me."

Operation Noselift [2.18]

• PA Announcement: "Attention. Major Robbins, please report for emergency surgery. Major Burns, report to the CO. Major Houlihan, report to Supply. These are the major announcements for the day."

• Private Baker: "You don't have to live with the jokes. "Uh, excuse me, but my bus is late and it's raining. Mind if I stand under your nose?" "Ever thought of putting in an attic?" At my Draft Board, the guy next to me said, "You could be 4-F. Just tell them you're an anteater!"

• Henry: "Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!"
  Radar: "Sir?"
  Henry: "Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it."
  Radar: "Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here."
  Henry: "Then you sign it for me."
  Radar: "Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?"
  Henry: "You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery."
  Radar: "Yes, sir."
  Henry: "Well, no sense hanging around if I'm not here."

• Hawkeye (to Baker): "Do you know why Napoleon always had his hand inside his coat? He was scratching his nose."

• Hawkeye (seeing available selections in "nose" catalogue): "Gee, I didn't know it was so hard to pick a nose."
  Robbins (pointing to one selection): "This one cost over $2,000."
  Trapper: "That's really 'paying through the nose.'"
  Robbins: "The wit in this room flows like molasses."

The Chosen People [2.19]

• Henry Blake: "Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more."

• Radar: "Oh, I like all babies. It sure is a great way to start a life."

• Frank Burns, on the phone with another major: "You're my kinda fella. Y'know I think the two of us should get together some time--I have a feeling the two of us are very much alike."
  (the other major says something that causes a look of horror to spread of Frank's face)
  Frank Burns: "What?"
  (the other major says something else)
  Frank Burns: "I beg your pardon! I'm a married man--I've got kids--and everything!"
  (the other major says something else)
  Frank Burns: "No, I won't call you again and don't you ever call me!" (hangs up)

• (After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean)
  Captain Pak: "Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet."
  Hawkeye: "Isn't that 'Your presence is welcome in our camp?'"
  Pak: "No, it's 'Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage.'"
  (After Hawkeye says something else in Korean)
  Pak: "Sorry to hear that."
  Hawkeye: "What?"
  Pak: "Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant."

• Lieutenant Harper: "Are you men doctors?"
  Hawkeye: "Only when the moon is full."

• Pak (to Henry): "Well, looks like you got trouble right here in Pregnant City."

As You Were [2.20]

• Frank Burns, delirious from being injected with a sedative: "Fred?"
  Hawkeye Pierce, looking at Frank a little funny: "Yes, Frank?"
  Frank: "Do you think the principal saw us?"
  Hawkeye, throughly spooked: "...Corporal."
  (Hawkeye stands up)

• Trapper (looking skyward as the 4077 is shelled): "Aw, shut up."

• Radar (on the phone): "We're getting a lot of near misses here, could you find out who's doing it? YOU'RE doing it? Listen buddy, we're a hospital! How would you like it if we fired patients at you!?"

• Trapper (listening to Radar play the piano): "Hey Radar, don't you know another song?"
  Hawkeye: "He doesn't even know THAT one."

• PA Announcement: "Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled."

• Frank (to Hawkeye and Trapper who are in gorilla costumes): "I've had this condition for some time."
  Hawkeye: "Why do people always wait so long to go to their gorilla?"
  Frank: "Well, I was wondering if you guys would operate on me."
  Hawkeye: "One minute, while I check with my colleague."
  (Both "gorillas" scream and crawl around for a few seconds.)
  Hawkeye: " We'll do it - me and the missus."

• Frank (from inside crate): "I'm boxed in."
  Trapper: "We all feel that way sometimes, Frank."

Crisis [2.21]

• Frank Burns, in Henry's office: "What if the minutemen in 1776 had stopped to worry about, 'Toilet paper'!"
  Hawkeye Pierce: "So we would have had independence ten minutes later."

• Trapper McIntyre, who wants some sleep: "What do you say we all observe about eight hours of silence!"

• Henry (coming from the bathroom): "Excuse me, Burns. Keep the brass monkeys in tonight."

• Henry: "According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties."
  Hawkeye: "That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, 'One last stand and then you can go home.'"

• Henry: "This will be a real test of my leadershipmanship, sooo.....(drinks shot Radar has poured him)...No Booze!"

• Henry (pointing to his desk, which has been used in part for firewood): "But to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers!"

• Father Mulcahy (after chaos builds up in the Swamp): "Maybe I'll sleep in the nurses tent...what am I saying?"

• Henry (a few seconds after settling into his sleeping bag): "Ah rats! I have to go to the sandbox."

• Radar (directing additional cots to be moved into the Swamp): "By order of Corporal O'Reilly, Housing Officer."
  Trapper (tossing Radar's clipboard into the stove): "By order of Captain McIntyre, Heating Officer."

• Hawkeye (climbing out of the cold, overcrowded Swamp in the middle of the night to the call of incoming casualties): "I knew all this was too good to last."

• Hawkeye: "Well, do you see anybody else pressing the soft underbellybutton!?"

• Henry: "Shuttlecocks..."
  Hawkeye: "Shuttlecocks? How are we supposed to fight a war without shuttlecocks?"

George [2.22]

• Frank Burns: "I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting."
  Trapper McIntyre: "Let us guess."
  Hawkeye Pierce: "Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than the breadbox you're seeing on the side?"
  Frank Burns: "No...(realizes what Pierce said)...no!"

• Frank: "The man is not normal?"
  Hawkeye: "What's normal, Frank?"
  Frank: "Normal is everybody doing the same thing."
  Trapper: "What about individuality?"
  Frank "Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together."

A Smattering of Intelligence [2.24]

• Colonel Flagg, dictating a message: "Read that back to me."
  Radar: "To the 'Far East Import Company',Ti-ja-wana, Mexico. Mary had a little lamb...my dog has fleas."
  Flagg: "Ok...Mares eat oats and does eat dotes...and i'll be home for christmas. Sign it...'Your loving son...Queen Victoria'"
  (Radar looks dejected)

• Radar O'Reilly, coming into the office: "Sir, there's a Captain Stone outside/inside now sir."
  Henry Blake: "Captain Stone..."
  Stone: "My name's not 'Stone'."
  Blake: (whispering to himself) "Oh, boy..."

• Flagg: "It all depends on HQ."
  Henry: "HQ."
  Flagg: "Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?"
  Henry: "Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg."
  Flagg: "Who's Colonel Flagg?"

• Pratt (referring to Flagg): "Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire."
  Hawkeye: "Is this guy available for kids' parties?"

Season 3

The General Flipped at Dawn [3.01]

• General Steele: "I predict an early end to the war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet."

• (General Steele is court-martialling Hawkeye before moving the 4077th closer to the front and is currently interrogating Black chopper pilot Marty Williams.)
  General Steele: "Williams, I want you to know there're no charges against you. You simply obeyed the order of the superior--the sign of a good soldier. Just tell me, in your own words, the incident at the helicopter pad at 0900 hours, but first a number."
  Williams, (confused): "Sir?"
  General Steele: "You know, a musical number."
  (Williams looks hopelessly at Hawkeye and Henry)
  General Steele: You've got in your blood, boy. Just let it out! (sings "Mississippi Mud" and dances out of the Mess Tent)
  Hawkeye: "I take it we don't have to leave."
  Henry: "Only the general does."
  Hawkeye: "In a rubber truck."

• Hawkeye (talking about the promoted General Steele): "Crazy? A three star general? Hit it!"
  (Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake walk out singing 'Mississippi Mud')

• Trapper: "Hey, word's out that General's a little bit el wacko."
  Radar: "He made me polish the bottom of his boots and put starch in his socks!"

• (Klinger appears before Gen. Steele in a dress)
  Steele (harsh whisper to Klinger): "Not now, Margerie! I'm inspecting the troops!"

• Steele (to Radar in formation): "Non-coms--the backbone of the army. Where are you from, son?"
  Radar: "Iowa, sir."
  Steele: "NO TALKING IN RANKS!"

• Steele: "MASH means Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, and mobile you shall be!"

• Steele: "Your insubordinate!"
  Hawkeye: "Right!"
  Steele: "Your insolent!"
  Hawkeye: "Right! And you're NUTS!"

• Hawkeye: "That general is nuts. I've seen that look in every Hitchcock movie."

Rainbow Bridge [3.02]

• Hawkeye: "Frank, the R-E-D speaks English better than Y-O-U do."

• Hawkeye: "Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men suffer because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression."

• Frank: "When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?"

• Frank: "Right in the middle of the yellow horde's ballpark."
  Hawkeye: "Frank?"
  Frank: "Hmmm?"
  Hawkeye: "If you say yellow horde one more time while the war is still in motion, I'm gonna cut out your tongue and use it for a pen wiper."

• Henry: "Oh, yes. I'm afraid this is a command decision. It's 'lonely at the top' time. Strictly something for your leader."
  Hawkeye: "Well, Henry?"
  Henry: "Oh, golly, whatever you people decide is fine with me."

• Margaret: "Frank, there isn't a man in this war who isn't afraid...including me!"

Officer of the Day [3.03]

• Hawkeye Pierce: "I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"

• Frank: "FINGERNAIL POLISH!"
  Klinger: "Flame D'Armour, sir."
  Frank: "And EARRINGS!?"
  Klinger: "They match the rings. I'm a symphony in coordination."

• Hawkeye: "Very good, Radar, your report is concise, informative, and makes no sense whatsoever."

• Hawkeye: "I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids."

• Flagg (trying to remember Hawkeye's name): "Perkins, Captain Perkins."
  Hawkeye: "Pierce."
  Flagg: "That's what I said, Captain Pierce."
  Hawkeye: "Right, Perkins."

• Trapper: "Hi, Frank."
  Frank: "That doesn't scare me one bit."

• Hawkeye Pierce: "My kidneys were expecting Orange Juice. Silly kidneys."

• Trapper: "Bye, Frank."
  Frank: "That was totally uncalled for."

• Klinger: "Sir, I wouldn't care if my record said that I was a bed bug!"

• Klinger: "Sir, if I don't have some time off, i'm gonna stick my nose in a chopper blade!"

Iron Guts Kelly [3.04]

• Hawkeye (looking at the dead General Kelly): "If his last words were, 'I'll return', don't wait."

• Hawkeye Pierce, (talking about the dead General Kelly): "It means his pearl handles are up for grabs now."

• Henry (after hearing General Kelly's aide revealing a plan to get rid of Kelly's body): "Guys."
  Trapper: "Yes, Henry?"
  Henry: "Is he talking about killing a general that's already dead?"
  Trapper: "That's right, Henry."
  Henry: "Well, isn't that kinda crazy?"

• Colonel Wortman: "That's not a teddy bear!?"
  Radar: "Uh yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind."

• Frank: "Everything ship shape in here?"
  Trapper: "Aye aye, sir."
  Hawkeye: "Except the camp is taking on water."

• Wortman (on phone arranging death scene near show-end): "And rockets--I want plenty of rockets."
  Hawkeye: "That's for the red glare."

• Margaret (in her tent, referring to Kelly): "This has never happened to me before."
  Hawkeye: 'I'm sure it was a first time for him, too."

• Trapper McIntyre: "Another day in the ROK." (pronounced ar-oh-kay, stands for Republic of Korea)

• Hawkeye Pierce: "There's also another Zen saying: 'Only doctors with holes in head sign death certificates like gift vouchers.'"

O.R. [3.05]

• Sidney Freedman: "Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."

• Sidney: "Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor."
  Hawkeye: "I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress."
  Sidney: "You haven't got the legs for it."

• Radar (seeing Henry's patient): "Whoa."
  Henry: "See what happens when you play with guns?"

• Radar: "Klinger, get over to the mess tent, all the guys are giving blood."
  Klinger: "Blood! I must give blood . . . or die!"

• Henry: "Klinger, take that dress off at once!'
  Hawkeye: "Not in front of Trapper, he's a married man."

• (after Trapper puts the fire out)
  Frank: "You could have blown us all up!"
  Margaret: "How did you know there wasn't ALCOHOL in that basin?"
  Trapper: "Look, I'm sorry! Maybe you'd like the fire back!"

• Maxwell Klinger:Remember me, sir? Corporal Klinger?
  Sidney Freedman: Remember you? I had to buy an extra cabinet for your file.

Springtime [3.06]

• Hawkeye (to dishevelled Radar at show-end): "Radar, what happened?"
  Radar: "I don't know--I think I've been slaked."

• Margaret (to Klinger at beginning of wedding): "You have your nerve--wearing white."
  Klinger: "Jealous?"

Check Up [3.07]

• Hawkeye: "Thanks, Trap."
  Trapper: "What?"
  Hawkeye: "You made it bearable. I was lucky. You were honest, and open, and let me lean on you."
  Trapper: "No charge."

• Igor (getting his physical): "Ahhhhh, ahhhhh, ahhhhh."
  Trapper: "Don't swallow the doctor."

• Hawkeye: "Step behind the screen and drop your pants."
  Trapper (to Klinger): "Step behind the screen and raise your skirt."

• Hawkeye: "Let's make a pact about drinking."
  Trapper: "Alright."
  Hawkeye: "Let's never stop."

• Henry (about Radar's tattoo): "Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary."
  Radar: "Oh, I washed my hands first, sir."

Life With Father [3.08]

• Margaret: "Maybe we should talk to her for a second."
  Frank: "That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness."

• Hawkeye: "Who's your's from, Trap."
  Trapper: "My five-year old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon."

Alcoholics Unaminous [3.09]

• PA Announcement (during a downpour): "Attention, all personnel. Seoul HQ reports that rain is expected this evening."
  (Hawkeye holds out his hand as rain drips on it)
  Hawkeye: "That's a lot they know."

There Is Nothing Like a Nurse [3.10]

• (Radar looks out the window in Blake's office to see the enemy plane)
  Radar: "Hey he's dropping something...Holy Cow! It's five o’clock Charlie!"
  (Blake bumps his head under his desk)
  Henry: "That idiot! That's the raid?"
  Hawkeye: "He couldn't hit the side of a war."

• Trapper (during projection screen set-up to Klinger): "Don't stand in the light!"
  Hawkeye: "You little heartbreaker."

• Klinger (about Louise Burns in wedding film): "I hate that hat."

• Henry (about Louise Burns in wedding film): "Do you think she'll take off her glasses?"

• Trapper (during Frank's wedding film): "That little girl looks like you, Radar."
  Klinger: "No, the little girl's taller."

• Klinger (at film end): :B-thp, b-thp, b-thp, that's all folks."

• Hawkeye: "I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Kwak, a very dry martini. A very dry, arrid, barren, desiccated, veritable dustbowel of a martini. I want a martini than can be declared a disaster area. Mix me just such a martini."

• Radar, busting into Henry's office: "Sir, HQ says that there's a big air attack coming our way!"
  Henry Blake, having somewhat of a hangover: "Radar, that's the nicest thing I've heard all day."

Adam's Ribs [3.11]

• Trapper (at show end as ribs are being served): "Should we say grace?"
  Hawkeye: "Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce."

• Igor: "We have liver or fish."
  Hawkeye: "I didn't hear you say that, because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day! The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds! I simply cannot eat the same food every day! Fish, liver, day after day! I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! Are we gonna stand for this?! Are we gonna let them do this to us?! NO! I say, NO!! WE'RE NOT GONNA EAT THIS DRECK ANYMORE!! WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!!
  [Everyone else in the mess tent is chanting, "WE WANT SOMETHING ELSE!!!"]
  Hawkeye: DRAFTEES OF THE WORLD ARISE!!! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR COOKIES!!!

• PA Announcement: "Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served."

• Major Pfeifer: "You think because you save lives it's important."

A Full Rich Day [3.12]

• Hawkeye (seeing the Luxemborg soldier): "I thought you said he was dead."
  Trapper: "He got better."

• Frank (referring to the Turk's knife): "I'm not interested in mock heroism."
  Klinger: "I'd settle for the real thing, sir."

• Frank: "Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!"
  Klinger: "Never on a first date, sir!"

• (Lieutenant Smith cocks his rifle)
  Radar (to Frank): "Sir...that's one of those new guns, can shoot 30 corporals a second."

Mad Dogs and Servicemen [3.13]

• Radar (about the dog): "Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen...although I don't like being cruel to animals."

• Frank: "I'm taking this to a higher authority!"
  Trapper: "Aw, Frank...you're not going to write your mother again."

• Henry: "Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it."

• Frank: "Margaret, I was wrong."
  Henry: "You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you."

Private Charles Lamb [3.14]

• Henry, (talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb):"Do I know, Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, I'd like to wake up one morning look down and find myself gone."

• PA Announcement: "Attention: Anyone who knows the whereabouts of tonight's dinner, please report to Col. Blake. In the mean time, please be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. He's considered to be unarmed and delicious."

• Henry: "Col. Andropolis has the thing (a lamb) flown in from Greece and now the damn lamb's flown the coop!"

• Trapper: "Henry's not here."
  Hawkeye: "Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling."

• Radar: "And you signed an emergency leave for one of the men."
  Henry: "Which one of the men?"
  Radar: "Private Charles Lamb."
  Henry: "I don't know any Private Charles Lamb."
  Radar: "Oh yes, you do sir. "Short fellow? Curly hair? He had to take an emergency leave."
  Henry: "Death in the family?"
  Radar: "Almost."

• Henry: "I gave a discharge to a sheep!?"
  Radar: "He's on his way to Tokyo now."
  Hawkeye: "On Bo-Peep Airlines."

• Trapper: "Frank, you can only fool some of the papal some of the time."

• Henry Blake: "Abyssinia."

• Henry: "UN command in Seoul called. Boy am I in Dutch with the Greeks."

Bombed [3.15]

• Klinger: "Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice."
  (Henry knocks twice)
  Klinger: "Good lord, he's dead."

Bulletin Board [3.16]

• Trapper: "What's the announcement, Radar?"
  Radar: "It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex."
  Hawkeye: "It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds."

• Frank: "Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce."

• PA Announcement: "Attention all personnel, tonight's movie is a holdover from last week, and it will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last week."

The Consultant [3.17]

• Trapper: "Where'd you learn to drive?"
  Radar: "The bumper cars."
  Trapper: "Figures."
  Hawkeye: "My kidney's lawyer will call you in the morning."

• Henry: "Bring me back something."
  Hawkeye: "No chance. We're gonna be careful."

• Frank: "Colonel, you are not listening to me!"
  Henry: "Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you."

• Borelli: "I'm a doctor who's not really a major."
  Hawkeye: "Perfect. Frank's a major who's not really a doctor."

House Arrest [3.18]

• Hawkeye: "Frank, would you mind not combing your hair so loud?"
  Frank: "I have VERY quiet hair."

• Hawkeye (referring to his prisoner of war package): "Father, why?"
  Mulcahy: "Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four oreo cookies."
  Hawkeye: "Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours."
  Mulcahy: "In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner."
  Hawkeye: "Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me."
  Mulcahy: "Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it."

• (Hawkeye sighs)
  Trapper: "What's the matter?"
  Hawkeye: "I have a stomach ache. I think you ate my meal too fast."

• PA Announcement: "Attention, due to last's night's groping, tomorrow night's movie will be shown with the lights on."

Aid Station [3.19]

• (explosions)
  Margaret: "Are they getting closer?"
  Hawkeye: "It's an optical illusion. You can't tell me they'd kill a medical person on a mission of mercy."
  Margaret: "They've already killed one surgeon here."
  Hawkeye: "I told you, you can't tell me that."

• Frank: "Are you worried about them?"
  Henry: "I sent them, remember Frank? Their commanding officer? Back home my biggest decisions are whether or not have my own bowling ball made and do I get the cat fixed. Sending people to the front's just not my speed."

Love and Marriage [3.20]

• (talking to Dr. Pak)
  Hawkeye: "Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?"
  Trapper: "And using hair cream for penicillin?"
  Hawkeye: "I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff."

• Hawkeye: "You know sir, you just might go down in medical history."
  Pak: "How so?"
  Hawkeye: "As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own."

• Hawkeye: "She's about to give birth."
  Radar: "Right here!? On this bus!? In front of me!?"
  Hawkeye: "Yes, right here on this bus! What do I do, give her a transfer? Tell her to wait?"

• McShane: "Really, sir..."
  Trapper: "You give me one more "sir" and I'm going to prescribe you a 24-hour enema!"

Big Mac [3.21]

• Frank: "As adjudant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation."
  Margaret: "How splendid, Major."
  Henry: "Very good, Frank."
  Trapper: "Lovely."
  Hawkeye: "Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns."

• Margaret: "Colonel Whiteman, I would just like to say that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared by myself or Major Burns on my right."
  Trapper: "On your right what?"

• Frank: "I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry."
  Hawkeye: "Her father was a horse. Did you know that?"
  Trapper: "Our engagement is off."

• Whiteman: "Now then, after lunch..."
  Hawkeye: "And the barfing thereof."

• Frank: "Pierce using a textbook?"
  Margaret: "Orthopedic case."
  Frank: "Dummkopf. All right, let's put him under, shall we? Watch this. Need any help, Pierce?"
  Hawkeye: "No thanks, I'd rather save the patient..."

Payday [3.22]

• PA Announcement: "Attention all personnel. Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie, it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours."

• Hawkeye (counting out a soldier's pay): "I hope this is right. I'm just an ordinary chest-cutter. I can't make change for anything over two nurses."

• PA Announcement: "Attention all personnel. The eagle screams today. It's payday. All personnel kindly form an orderly stampede."

• Henry: "Boy, I wish I knew what was going on."
  Radar: "I'll tell you later, sir."
  Henry: "You always say that Radar, but you never do!"

• Quoc (referring to Frank): "The major had what we call a real 'fertilizer face.'"

• Hawkeye: "Mr. Kwang, I'd like to buy South Korea a drink."

White Gold [3.23]

• Flagg: "My orders are to do whatever it takes to break up this penicillin ring, and I have written permission to die in the attempt!"

• Klinger (on guard duty): "Halt! Who goes there?"
  Henry: "Outta the way, Klinger."
  Klinger: "I've gotta have the password, Colonel."
  Henry: "Bullfeathers!"
  Klinger: "That was LAST week's password."

• Margaret (about Flagg): "He's CIA!"
  Hawkeye: "I wouldn't care if he was COD."
  Trapper: "Then we could refuse him."

Abyssinia, Henry [3.24]

• Henry (talking to Radar; his last line in the series): "You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back and kick your butt!"

• Radar (after rushing into the OR, shortly after Blake's departure): I have a message: Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.

• Henry: "Klinger, that outfit just might get you that section 8!"

Season 4

Welcome To Korea [4.01]

• Hawkeye Pierce: "Stop here, driver. The corner of Forty-Second Street and Filth Avenue."

• Hawkeye (referring to a soldier): "Forget it. He's had it."
  BJ: "We have to TRY!"(Turns solider over, takes one look. Puts solider back down, crawls short distance and vomits)

• Hawkeye (in a loud, military voice): "Forward--drink!"

• Hawkeye (to Frank upon arrival to camp): "Hello honey, I'm home."

• Hawkeye: "There's no Jeep here Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here."

• Radar: "You're not sober, sir."
  Hawkeye: "Oh boy, I would really resent that if I wasn't drunk."

• BJ (upon arrival to camp; first statement to Frank): "What say you, Ferret Face?"

Change of Command [4.02]

• Klinger: "Colonel Potter, sir! Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be married in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out!"
  Sherman Potter: "Horse hockey."

• Sherman Potter (to Klinger on their first meeting): "I've been in this man's army forty years. Seen all the tricks. Knew a private who said he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arms for weeks. Knew another fellow who said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal, that ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform."

• Radar (over the PA): "Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sir!"

• Frank: "Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!"
  Klinger: "I'm not that easy."

It Happened One Night [4.03]

• Frank: "He's...Chinese."
  Hawkeye: "You don't have to whisper Frank, he knows he's Chinese."

• (BJ is outside the Swamp, a thump is heard)
  BJ: "Rats." (he comes inside)
  Hawkeye: "What'd you bump into?"
  BJ: "Just what I said. Rats."

• Hawkeye: "Lie down and rest."
  Klinger: "I'd rather do it in my own bed."
  Hawkeye: "Alright, go back to your tent."
  Klinger: "My bed in Toledo."

• Jenkins: "Halt, who goes there?"
  Radar: "It's the Colonel."
  Jenkins: "Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir."
  Potter: "Don't you want to know the password?"
  Jenkins: "I already know it, sir."

The Late Captain Pierce [4.04]

• Hawkeye (to B.J. Hunnicutt): "It doesn't matter if I'm here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out."

• Hawkeye: "I, personally myself have been dead."
  Potter: "We're all a little tired, Hawkeye."
  Hawkeye: "Not dead tired, Colonel, dead dead. As in doornail. My corpus has been declared delicti."

• BJ: "This doesn't make sense."
  Klinger: "You want me to wake you when something makes sense? You'll sleep through the whole war!"

• PA Announcement: "The late Captain Pierce will give the eulogy. Guests will have 20 minutes for rebuttal."

• (at Hawkeye's "wake")
  BJ: "For he was a jolly good fellow..."
  Potter: "He was a jolly good fellow..."
  Everyone: "He was a jolly good fellow..."
  Hawkeye: "I was much too young to die."

• Digger: "Whaddya want, Doc?"
  Hawkeye: "The Final Reward, please, and step on it! Let's go, Digger, I'm not getting any younger. Where do I sit?"
  Digger: "Nobody ever sits on this bus but me, Doc. I can't take passengers, sir!"
  Hawkeye: "I'm not a passenger, I'm cargo."

• Potter: "I had to put Radar on much-needed R&R. He was putting carbon paper in the urinals."

Hey, Doc [4.05]

• (Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)
  Hawkeye (from outside): "Frank, are you in there?"
  Frank: "They're trying to catch us at something."
  Margaret: "We're not DOING anything."
  Frank: "Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?"

The Bus [4.06]

• Frank (into walkie-talkie): "Attention all Allied personnel: There are many stars out tonight, but we seem to be underneath the brightest one."
  Hawkeye: "Very good, Frank."
  BJ: "They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem."

• Frank: "I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet."
  Hawkeye: "I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club."

The Kids [4.08]

• Klinger (feeding a little girl): "I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born."

• Margaret: "Are you just going to stand there joking around or are you going to help me?"
  Klinger: "Major, I guess you haven't noticed, this is NOT a house dress."
  Margaret: "Go get into your fatigues!"
  Klinger: "Fatigues in the evening!?"

• (Father Mulcahy walks up to the operating table)
  M