Mac Wimberly

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Mac Wimberly Born Oct 3, 1980. American humorist from San Francisco, California.

Attributed

• Making toast on the moon would be tricky. If you're not there when it pops up it's good bye toast.
• At what age will I finally be mature enough to keep a straight face when someone says, "Hi, I'm Richard but you can call me Dick."
• Being an atheist is tough. It makes it really hard to be polite, especially after someone next to you sneezes.
• I love going to China Town. But, you've got to be careful what you buy when you visit. Don't ever get the tiger penis chewing gum, you'll be really disappointed. It only contains 2% real tiger penis. That's bullshit.
• I only drink smoothies. Chewing fruit is for suckers.
• Once I saw two dogs humping that looked very different from each other. One was brown and white and kinda big with long hair and the other was a little tiny black dog. It made me wonder why people can’t be more accepting of each other. So what if some people only like to hump little dogs.
• If you are ever lost in the desert and all the sudden you come across another person it's probably best not to drink any of their water. Catching a cold would only compound the problem.
• Until I bought that baby oil it just kept sticking to the pan.
• oatmeal with raisins - raisins = prison food
• The official muffin of New York is the cinnamon apple muffin. I bet bran muffin got its ass handed to it in that election. It should have run in Florida where there are a lot more elderly people. Bran muffin would have raped cinnamon apple muffin in that situation.
• An axe is a great all purpose camping tool. If there are kids around set a good example and wear some safety gear. I like to wear an old hockey mask and some tough overalls especially at night when accidents are more likely to occur.
• I used to loose a lot of shit when I left the house. I lost my wallet all the time and I would worry that someone was going to steal my identity and go on a shopping spree. But other shit I never lost, like my shoes. So now I put all my money and identity related items in my shoes and I don't even care about losing my wallet because you can't buy a flat screen with a wallet full of tube socks.
• When your name is Dr. Wu it doesn’t matter where you got your degree. You will always be a Chinese medicine doctor.
• To me, the shitty thing about competing in a foot race against a horse isn't the shame of losing, but, rather having to stand next to him on the podium afterwards. If someone snaps a picture it will look like a mug shot, but, instead of numbers marking my height it would just be an enormous horse penis. Nothing but me and a giant horse cock right at face-level.
• I like alternative comedy better than regular comedy. Laughter is for sell-outs.
• The other day as I was trying piece together a meal from the meager remains I had left in my fridge and I thought, “Wow, this is probably what happened to God when he made platypus.”
• A person's DVD collection is a little window into their personality. What kind of person is walking though the movie store like, "Alright man! The directors cut of Shindler's List. Fuck renting; this shit is going on the mantle! Right between Cabin Boy and Mean Girls."
• The worst thing I ever gave my grandma for Christmas was a lotion she didn’t particularly like the smell of. She can’t stand lavender. The second worst thing I ever gave her on Christmas was HIV. But she was cool. She knew she should have brought her own needle.
• In the event of a water landing your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a hot lava landing your seat cushion may be used as a device to muffle your screams.
• My grandfather was an inventor. He came up with the idea for the "Portable Waterless Mini Beach," Basically, it was a big bucket full of sand that came with a bottle of tanning oil. To this day it's much more successful than his other invention, "The Amazing Child Raised Without Love." AKA my dad.
• Waiting for fruit to ripen is really irritating. You have no fruit for a whole week then all the sudden you have to try and eat a bushel peaches in 24 hours. I got tired of all that so now I eat all my fruit in loop form.
• Sometimes I wonder if I have OCD. Other times I think it's totally necessary to store my pee in jars under my bed. When I’m not thinking about that usually I'm washing my hands over and over again.
• People always try to convince me to save the monkeys by telling me we are so much like them that we share 99.9% of the same DNA. That’s true, but, we also share 60% of the same DNA as a banana. That worries me. Who is going to save us when those monkeys find out we are more than half banana. I don’t really like the idea of being peeled by Baboon.
• From an outsider’s perspective riding a tandem bicycle by yourself and masturbating have a lot in common. They both just seem lonely and pathetic. But for the person doing it it’s awesome. No one there going, “Are we done yet? My butt is sore and I don’t look good in spandex.”
• When it comes down to it people are much more comfortable getting intimate with others humans than than with cows or goats. Except when it comes to drinking milk. Thats when we get kinky.
• Supposedly, people's memories of alien abductions are really memories of past surgeries they've had. They come from a part deep within the brain that is still aware during the operation. That makes a lot of sense to me. I wondered why aliens would go to the trouble of taking me all the way to another galaxy just to enlarge my penis.

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