Mama's Family

From BillionQuotes

Dialogue

Thelma: What does the IRS want with me?
Vinton: Maybe they're going to deliver a package.
Thelma: That's UPS you dipstick!

Thelma: Where in blue blazes have you been?
Eunice: (sarcastically) Just fine Mama, thank you and how are you?

[Fran is attempting to teach Thelma how to drive]
Thelma: ...tell me something that I don't know.
Fran: Like what?
Thelma: What's a PRNDL? [pronounced "prindle"]
Fran: A what?!
Thelma: A PRNDL! See, right here: P-R-N-D-L! Right there!
Fran: Thelma, honey, those are your gear designations.

[After Thelma broke Naomi's vacuum]
Naomi: Oh! You ruined it!
Vinton: Now, honey, maybe it just needs a little adjustment.
Naomi: Honey, it is burnt to a crisp!

Thelma: ...and get this pigsty cleaned up! [referring to Vinton and Naomi's basement]
Naomi: This is out personal boudoiure, Mrs. Harper, and I believe it looks just fine.
Thelma: That's because all you ever see of it is the ceiling!

[Thelma is registering for her driver's license]
Man: How much do you weigh?
Thelma: That's none of your business, you skinhead!
Man: I need your weight!
Thelma: You need my hair!
Man: I don't have to give you a license! Next!
Thelma: (grabs his shirt collar) Wait a minute, you listen up you chrome dome! My taxes pay your salary, and if you don't give me that license, I'm going to find you a new job as a reflector button of the highway!

Thelma: Naomi's expecting!
Sonia: Expecting what?
Fran: A baby?
(short pause)
Thelma:(sarcastically) No, Fran, a Mitsubishi!

Ellen: I hope that you didn't park your clunker behind my Seville; I have to be outta here in 30 minutes!
Eunice: First good news I've had all day...

(Ellen, Eunice, Thelma, and Naomi are cleaning jars in the kitchen.)
Thelma: Oh, Naomi, what a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You're like the daughter I never had. (Ellen and Eunice have shocked looks on their faces). Why is it that my own girls can't see the beauty in sharing a warm, family moment?
Eunice: I'm the one that brought the dirty jars; you wouldn't have this warm family moment if it wasn't for me.

Eunice: For your information Mama, I was almost splattered clear over that highway!
...
Thelma: An accident? Are the jars all right?
Eunice: What the hell is the matter with you, you been sniffing them gooseberries?! I just told you I spent three hours dodging semis across three lanes of public highway!
Naomi: Isn't that dangerous?
Eunice: (to Naomi) Come here. Look at me. (pause) Are you in there?!

Naomi: How does this thing work? I've never dried a dry jar before.
Eunice: I think you stepped off one curb too many.

Thelma: Naomi, did you remember to buy the sugar?
Naomi: Oh, I never buy sugar. (dumps a bunch of sugar packets out of her purse onto the kitchen table)
Eunice: Naomi, you unpredictable little scamp, what is all that?
Naomi: This is my sugar packet collection! I pick 'em up at motels. Each and every one has a different name on it!
Ellen: (picks up a packet and reads it) 'Arthur's Hideaway and Launderette: You tumble, we dry.'
Naomi: Yeah!
Thelma: Well, that is disgusting! I can't take jam to a church bazaar made with X-rated sugar!

Thelma: (to Naomi) I'd be uncomfortable, too, if I were dressed in that get-up.
Naomi: Just what is wrong with my attire? I've always found this outfit very suitable for religious occasions.
Thelma: That's cause you got to pray to God it stays up!

Vint: If only we had a spoon we could dig our way out.
Thelma: Real good, Vinton. If we had a bar of soap we could carve ourselves a gun and shoot our way out.

Naomi: I'm not about to spend my afternoon getting all hot and sweaty over some slimy slug. (about Thelma's garden)
Thelma: Why not? That's the way you spend your nights!

Vint: Mama, you never could throw anything out, no matter how useless it is.
Thelma: It's a lucky thing for you!

Thelma: (Knocks on the door.)
Vint: Mama?
Thelma: No, It's Mr.T FOOL!!!

Naomi: You don't think I'm pregnant, do you?
Thelma: Tell me something, Naomi. Are you late?
Naomi: Late for what?
Thelma: Do I have to come right out and say it? Mr. Monthly Visitor!
Naomi: Yeah! Oh, Miss Harper, how did this happen?
Thelma: Do you want me to draw you a picture?

Thelma

"And, Lord, if you are listening, the next time you want to give me a message, you better dial direct!"
[The phone starts ringing]
"That better be Roselle..."

"I only drove one time in my life--1946. I started out with a sedan and I came back with a convertible!"

(to Iola) "Get out, you jokin' jackass!"

"I swear, I can't understand why they don't hold these church bazaars in the dead of winter when people can stand to be in their kitchens!"

"Ellen, what a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You were my first born and you are my favorite. Should have quit while I was ahead."

(to Naomi) "Your idea of a workout includes a man, a bed, and a cigarette afterwards!"

"Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this!"

Ellen

(to Eunice) "You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the butt!"