Mike Birbiglia (born June 20, 1978) is an American stand-up comic.
- "Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. And then I dance, and they're like 'not like that!'"
- "A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'"
- "I went to Dunkin Donuts the other day and the guy there didn't speak English. Like, no words. And it's like, I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if I lived in Portugal and I worked at Dunkino Donutos, I might pick up a couple words along the way - like donutos, muchinos, chocolato coveratos... the customers would be like 'Blah blah blah DONUTO!' and I'd be like, 'Right away, sir! And since I didn't understand any of the other words you said, here's a few extra donutos on the houso.'"
- "I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy."
- "What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math."
- "Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'"
- "I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees..."
- "I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other."
- "I think [my girlfriend's cats] were gay too, cause they were always licking each other and spooning in the window and criticizing the way I dress. I don't think it's a biological thing, like they're gay by birth. I think it's an environment thing, like they're prison gay. They don't see any female cats ever, and after awhile it's like "look, Tony, we ain't getting any younger, buddy. This may be the catnip talking, but I really like the way your belly matches your paws.'"
- "My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian."
- "I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though.. I should WRITE IT. That way they won't find out."
- "I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'"
- "Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy."
- "I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky."
- "Whenever I tell people I'm dieting they're like 'what are you talking about! You don't need to diet!... that much...' Sure, I'm not the kinda guy with a huge weight problem, but I'm the kinda guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy."
- "I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous."
- "You can't call me cracker. Only we can call each other crackers."
- "One of the ways they're trying to get pandas to mate is by showing them porn. And my question is, is it panda porn, or is it human porn? Or is it humans dressed like panda porn, which is some kinky panda porn that I might be interested in."