Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 - 29 March 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.

Note: Please use this page for quotations. Remembrances of Mitch go to the Memorial Bulletin Board on his official website.

Contents

Animals

  • Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
  • I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I said, "You fuckers don't farm! C'mon, what about some carrots? I like carrots. Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like tiny snowmen."
  • Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "AWWWW Fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
  • I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.
  • It's weird: People say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
  • I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."
  • My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know? I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... and feed you a leaf."


  • Koala bears. They're so fuckin' cute, why do they gotta live so far away from me? We should ship a few over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head.
  • Dogs are forever in the push up position.
  • I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!
  • A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "You know I can't knit, motherfucker." That is one foul mouthed kitten.
  • In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system; I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog...I'd better play dead." You never say, "Here comes that frog" in a terrified manner. It's always optimistic, like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar.. with a stick and a leaf.. to recreate what he's used to. And I'd certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world."
  • I'd like to talk about the differences between bears and frogs—I know it's cliche. Like, if there's a frog around, I don't have to hang my sandwiches from a branch; a frog knows they are for me. He'd rather have a fly, 'cause a fly zig-zags while my sandwich does not... unless I go like this [waves hand back and forth in a zig-zag]... If I want some honey on some toast I don't have to squeeze a plastic frog. There ain't no frog attack prevention pamphlet. "Now if the frog is hopping towards you, do not look the amphibian in the eye. This will incite him."
  • I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. [crowd is silent] ...Because they're grouper fish...
  • People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
  • A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Holy shit! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
  • I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom.
  • If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
  • I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school."
  • If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.

Sports

  • I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
  • Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
  • I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some fuckin' ass. I'd be way better than before. Who's back-up now?
  • Your curveball won't curve. Because you're twelve.
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.
  • I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
  • You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?
  • This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions that befuddle him, then you are winning, one to nothing. Are you happy now, you competitive fucker!?"
  • Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fucking foot."
  • I play sports...Wait, no I don't. What the fuck! That was a major faux pas.
  • One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
  • I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" "Hey, in Hollywood it's all who you know, and I know Crackle."
  • You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"
  • I want to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job working for Mrs. Paul's. Just put me in a boat with some boxes and I'll return them to the freezer section of your local grocery store.
  • I want to climb a mountain — not so I can get to the top — cause I want to hang out at base camp. That scene's fucking fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around... "Hey, you going to the top?" — "Soon."

Foods and Beverages

  • You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
  • All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."
  • In Kilkenny Ireland, they don't have anything American over there, it's very cool. But they did have a Subway sandwich shop. That was the one thing they had American, and that became the American Embassy to me. I would go out to a bar and piss off an Irish dude and have him chase me to the Subway. I said, "Dude, I'm sorry, but you're out of your jurisdiction. But you can have a cold cut combo, though."
  • I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
  • I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
  • When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.
  • I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

Turkeys, Chickens, and Ducks

  • I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."
  • I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capacity to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But, they could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!
  • I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
  • I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery... "We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort."
  • The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways.
  • I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Shit, it's gonna take a while. I do not have time. Scrambled. You fuckin' confused me."

Cheese and Crackers

  • I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, so every bite was a surprise as to how much cheese I had applied to each cracker. That's why I believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.
  • I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
  • I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks."
  • I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and still identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. "That's Swiss!" "Yes, it is." "But how did you know?" "Because of the fucking holes!" Swiss cheese is a rip-off; it's is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.
  • I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
  • I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up! We can play tennis later."
  • I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!"
  • I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating.

Breakfast Foods

  • I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D for doughnut.
  • I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
  • I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."
  • I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, "You ain't going anywhere, don't even be trying to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move on. When you hit butter, split up."
  • I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
  • As a comedian you have to start a show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first but at the end you're fucking sick of them.
  • Peter Frampton is a musical legend, but I don't know any of his music. When you meet a legend, and you don't know their body of work, you have to divert from that fact. It's like: "Hey Peter Frampton... do you like... toast, too? Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy. And a perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me, Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you!"
  • I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork.

Candy and Vending Machines

  • Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"
  • I want to make a vending machine that sold vending machines... It would have to be real fucking big!
  • I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
  • I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
  • I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name "Reese's", that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fucking bully, man. Let me at least have a piece."
  • The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."
  • Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?
  • They say Diet Dr Pepper tastes just like regular Dr Pepper. Well, then, they fucked up!
  • I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
  • I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin', potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my AA BB CCs. God god dammit dammit!
  • They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
  • I can't wait 'til this set is over, 'cuz I've got a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!
  • I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment."
  • I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
  • I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish.

Other Food Jokes

  • I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.
  • At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
  • This guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said, "No ... but I would like a regular banana later, so ... yeah."
  • I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
  • Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
  • Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.
  • A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
  • Popsicles are for the summertime.
  • I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
  • I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Well lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "Instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips." "Or potato salad." "Ok." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts." "Well you're not in the fucking club!"
  • I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude — you have to wait!"
  • One time I had a Jack and coke and it had a lime in it, And I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news man. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I'll reach for a lime... I'll be water skiing without a life preserver and people'll say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime...and a lemon too. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
  • I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
  • You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
  • I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend," so I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
  • They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a... bun. "What's a sesame seed grow into?" I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to... open.. shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular!
  • Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
  • Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
  • I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
  • I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."
  • "I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
  • I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a "Fresher" ...I'm going on break.
  • I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
  • Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodle.
  • I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil... and the devil was Dill.
  • You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."
  • It would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food, and then the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring, and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
  • I like baked potatoes, but they take too long to make. Sometimes I throw one in the oven, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows? I throw one in and go on vacation.

Jokes about Jokes

Comedy Clubs

  • I'm going to open up my own chain of comedy clubs, Price is Right style. There will be no one on the bill, just a bunch of people in the audience with name tags on. Then someone will get on the microphone, "John Chicattee come on down.... and you better be fucking funny!"
  • (A Sunday show) This sign says "IMPROV". I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an "E" on the end of it.
  • I'm getting a good deal from this club — 50% of the door. Last night I got 50% of the door, and tonight I'm getting 50% of the door. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and buy a door.
  • Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
  • See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny.
  • My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks.... I bring him home a Jack and Coke.
  • I worked at one comedy club where I didn't get many laughs. So the club manager said, "Mitch, you're not getting any laughs. You're gonna have to vacuum the club." He made me vacuum... so I told the next crowd, "Hey, you guys have to start laughing. Otherwise, don't drop shit!" [pause for laughs] Were they a good crowd? Yeah, they were neat.
  • At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name and address. That's right, I do suck, but I've got a lot of free time.
  • I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
  • In the club when they want to get offstage they turn on a red light that indicated you have five minutes left. Some clubs they'll hold up a candle in the back. That's the worst method because you're up here drinking and you look in the back and see a floating candle. "Aw shit, this place is haunted. I cannot be funny when I'm frightened."

When the Audience Didn't Respond

  • That joke's better than you acted.
  • Fuck you, that was funny.
  • All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
  • The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when you're not laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh didn't think that joke was funny"
  • Maybe they can add some laughs to that joke.
  • Gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "add sugar to."
  • This shit is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking like...a sword.
  • I don't know what that meant there. That part was ad-libbed. I'll take it back.
  • I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
  • That joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny.
  • If I would have had more crank before the show, that would have been funny. Wait....
  • Hold on ... that joke wasn't laid out properly ... it refers to before and after ... alright ...

When the Audience Laughed

  • That laugh will be duplicated and placed after jokes that didn't work, I'm gonna use you. I'm gonna make a whole CD of unfunny jokes, and then add your laughs to it — on loop. And then list you individually on the CD: "These people don't like funny jokes"... Err... "They like..." Fuck.
  • I think you like me better now, I should do my show over again. [repeats first part of the first joke told in the special] heh.. Mitch Hedberg's 90 minute special.
  • You people will laugh at shit that's funny and won't laugh at shit that's not funny... you're fuckin' accurate.
  • I like to smoke a pipe, cause it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit off the pipe, you fuckers should be laughing. [Audience laughs.] Not yet though, I haven't said shit.
  • Come on engineer, FUCKING LAUGH!
  • You know what? Everyone who doesn't laugh at my jokes are fucked up motherfuckers! You heard me! Laugh or you'll be fucking your mom tonight!

In-Performance Jokes

  • I've always wanted to handcuff a suitcase to my wrist.... alright [Audience laughs.] That's not a full joke there, that's filler .....wow, the list is bending up ... I can't read it.
  • (After replugging in his microphone) I hate puzzles.
  • Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
  • (At the Just for Laugh comedy festival) This is my favorite place to perform - in a big room full with people. I was here 3 years ago, and I thought I did pretty well - everybody was laughin' and having a good time. But then, they didn't bring me back for 3 years. So tonight, I'm gonna try to suck. Maybe that'll bring me back next year...
  • Hey, check this joke out. If you want to talk to me after the show, I'll be... fuckin'... surprised. I'm gonna have to have some liner notes for that joke. "During that joke, he points to the back." So people get the full experience. I'm gonna do a bunch of jokes that require actually seeing me. Then the CD will piss people off. "Hey, what do you think of that shirt? What the fuck, man? That's ridiculous" [audience laughs] "Goddamn, look at that haircut! You're fuckin' nuts, dude!" Those people will not get the full experience.
  • [Mitch] Hey, you can smoke in Minnesota clubs, right? [silence] Can you? [From crowd] YOU can! [Mitch] Well who the fuck am I? [lights pipe] Mitch Hedberg... That's right.
  • (Part of the crowd started talking) [Mitch] What are you talking about over there? [Girl from crowd] It's funny! [Mitch] I don't need you to say 'It's funny', I just need you to say 'ha ha ha'. (Mitch tells another joke) [Mitch] What did you think of that joke? [Girl from crowd] SPECTACULAR! [Mitch] Spectacular? That's a big word. You fuckers are intelligent.
  • I like to close my eyes onstage, cuz I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids...
  • I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
  • Today we got here early, and we unloaded the truck... the stool and microphone stand... and we still had like five hours... so we re-loaded the truck, to see if we could unload more efficiently... We got it down to two seconds.
  • I heard the last comic say you guys fuckin' rock I thought maybe you were all in a band or something... If you were it would be real fucking big. You make the Polyphonic Spree look like a solo artist.
  • The host said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain... waiting for my name.
  • Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. "You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show", but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store" and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
  • I whittled the list down today. These are the jokes I could think of today. Which mean they are the CD jokes. I might think of another one that won't be on this list and I'll throw it in, in a moment of spontaneity, that you won't be able to detect. Because you won't notice it's not on the list. But I will be proud of the spontaneity, and you'll see it in my... stride.
  • (Beginning of recording his second CD) See, this CD will be in stores. The only way to get my last CD in stores is if I would take one in and leave it. They say "Sir, you forgot this." "No I did not! That is for sale! Please alphabetize it."
  • (co-headlining with Stephen Lynch) I gotta follow Stephen Lynch. That is a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too. Cause when I am done, I take the microphone with me.
  • Fuck off ... Oops I'm sorry, that's rude, fuck back on!
  • I went to Ireland to tell jokes [Guy in Audience]: WOO HOO! [Mitch]: That's right, and thats why I left, 'cuz fuckers go "Woo hoo!" I can't take "Woo hoo" anymore. And I'll be damned if they don't do it here too!
  • (Houston, Laff Stop in 2004) [Mitch approaches front-row crowd, who apparently aren't enjoying themselves to the expectations of Mr. Hedberg] "You fuckers aren't laughing... Paid big money for front-row seats. Now, _I_ get to decide just how good these seats are... I could just be all like... [Mitch turns around and walks backstage] "Fuck you!" [Still from backstage, we hear a thump and a disgruntled "Ow"] "This is experimental comedy right here... Allright. [Mitch ventures back dragging a one-wheeled dolly behind him.] "Hey! Check it out! A One-Wheeled Dolly!.. [pause] I will sell you this dolly for... ten dollars? No? Allright, time for the pipe joke... [Mitch pulls out his pipe and leans on the dolly.] Note: The rest of the show, the one-wheeled dolly was used as an arm rest for Mitch.

Travel

Hotels

  • I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this 'something tree'," so they had a meeting. It was quite short. "How about 'Tree.'" "No." "'DoubleTree'?" "Hell YEAH! Meeting adjourned!" I had my heart set on "QuadrupleTree." Well, we were almost there.
  • I met the girl that works at the DoubleTree front desk. She gave me her phone number; it's Zero. I tried to call her from here; some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older."
  • I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'... Shit!!... I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"
  • I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."
  • I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, everybody on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401." "No you're NOT! Jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!"
  • Sometimes the hotel I stay at has a minibar. A minibar is a machine that makes everything... expensive. And when I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, "Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

Other Travel Jokes

  • I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
  • I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?

Places

Apartments

  • I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
  • I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."
  • I bought a house. It's a 2 bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are. Dont you?!? Fuck you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house. Sir you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware?! DONT DECORATE IT!

Chicago

  • Relax, guys. Don't boo Chicago. It's just a city. Look, I'm sorry if some girl there screwed you over or an elevator took you to the wrong floor. I can't control that shit.
  • Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Stores

  • I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"
  • I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said, "No, man, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, fuckin' bag 'em up!"
  • I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."
  • I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing."
  • I wish I were a locksmith. I'd be pimping that shit out. I'd be all like, "Hey, I'll trade you a free key duplication for—" [laughs] ... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good, 'cause it doesn't have an ending.
  • Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "Shit... oh yeah, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular."

Things

Household Items

  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  • I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it; he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
  • Whoever invented sunglasses must have been the coolest motherfucker alive. Hey, what kind of glasses are those?
  • I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...
  • I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" Liar! My fan fuckin' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit!"
  • I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a 3-way lightbulb in it. If you don't know a lightbulb is a 3-way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like "Damn it, lightbulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do." And then you turn it again and it gets brighter once more. "I will break you."

Money

  • I saw some two dollar bills today. They were for sale for eight dollars. Someone's severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control. Now it's worth eight. It still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two. Alright.

Non-Household Items

  • My snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag....
  • I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
  • Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you that's wrong, say "no it ain't." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fucking X?"
  • I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.
  • I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.
  • I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.
  • I rent a lot of cars, 'cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with them, right. So a lot of times I'll drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever.
  • I don't know shit about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and I don't see that little "E" on the dashboard, I'm fucked. But if that "E" is there, man, I act all cocky. I'm like "I got this one under control!" Then I pull out the toolbox, AKA wallet. I'd make a shitty auto mechanic. People would bring their car in to me and say, "My car won't start." "Well maybe there's a killer after you!"
  • I'd like to take a toothpick and throw it into a forest and say, 'You're home.'
  • I can whistle with my fingers too... especially if I have a whistle.

Photos

  • I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a lake, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
  • Where are all the "during" photos? [audience does not respond] It refers to "before" and "after."
  • One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."
  • Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify. ... (to audience member) ...what, you don't get that one? Neither do I; I don't know why I do it. I just have this thing in me that won't let me drop it.
  • I have a sister named Wendy, and if you asked my sister if I was weird she'd probably say "Yeah." But that's fucked up because she's weird, because she has a husband and two children, and they have a family portrait on their VCR where they are all looking slightly to the left. The camera is right in front of you! But apparently, something happened just to the left -that made everybody happy. But my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right on!

Phones

  • I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.
  • I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough. Instead of 'hello,' I say STOP!!!"
  • You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy, but oftentimes they use too many letters? "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy--Carpeting." I like to spell it out til the bitter end, and if the lady's still on the other end, God bless her. (Alt: 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting. It's too many letters man, must I dial them all? "Hello?" "Hold on, man. I'm only on 'enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good. I can see why they hired you.")
  • I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'"

Clothing

  • Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
  • I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
  • I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.
  • I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
  • This shirt is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.
  • My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Music

  • I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
  • I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree."
  • I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they just thought we were "okay."
  • A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "A Cappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.
  • Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I fucked you in the pet cemetery?"
  • You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool.

TV, Radio, and Advertising

  • There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"
  • This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum!
  • I got a new car with satellite radio. After about thirty minutes I had to ask myself, "Shit, what should I buy?"
  • Hey, I did a radio interview for XM Radio. Nobody heard it, c'mon, who has XM Radio? (a few cheers) Hey, I'll be damned, it's growing in popularity. They said, 'You can swear on XM Radio.' No shit, cuz nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods too.
  • I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
  • You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!
  • I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? The water's only up to here. What should I do? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet? I can't even drown my kneecaps!"
  • I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive down to the wrong station?"

People

Family

  • My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
  • I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I still wanted to use it! I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad."
  • And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
  • Sometimes I get so pissed at my parents because they wanted to adopt. My sister could have been the love of my life, but now I'll never know.

Friends

  • I was gonna stay over at my friend's house. She says "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall!
  • I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one." Wouldn't want to mess up the practice routine.
  • If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
  • My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"
  • My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause in there."
  • I knew a woman who was a good friend of mine, and she gave me a friendship card that said "a friend is one of life's most beautiful gifts." On the inside were a bunch of quotes about friendship. Got me thinking that maybe I should quit stealing money out of her purse.

Girlfriends

  • I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
  • I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zip.* "Fuck you."
  • My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.
  • I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name was Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then I fuck up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

Roommates

  • I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit."
  • Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor."
  • If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I fucked up.
  • I live in New York, and I got a roommate to save money, but see, I fucked up, cause I'm 31 and I'm too old for a roommate. I signed a year lease too. I fucked up severely. It's as though I wrote a bad joke and now I gotta tell it for a year.

Other People Jokes

  • I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
  • I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put a comma in there, and move it up!
  • Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
  • This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
  • I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.
  • If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you're not ugly.
  • When I'm off-stage I'm very quiet; I don't say very much. But I hang around people who just talk non-stop, just talk talk talk talk talk. I can't get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something stupid like, "Hey, man, you want some taffy?"
  • I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."

Gambling, Casinos, and the Lottery

  • My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least."
  • I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
  • I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the fuckin' sound of my addiction.
  • Russians take shit too far. Roulette is fun and all, but no, those Russians had to take it one step further. How do you come up with a game like that anyways? Whatever they do, they do it with intensity. Who was in space first? I rest my case.
  • I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
  • You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
  • I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
  • I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"

Alcohol and Drugs

  • Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says, right on the bottle, 'Do not have more than 2.' Well then do not put a candy coating around it, for I cannot help myself. Let me have 10 Advil. I got a sweet tooth.
  • I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
  • Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.
  • My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see.
  • Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic.
  • If you drink O'Doul's, you're not drinking. But if you drink 20 O'Doul's in a half hour, you're a fuckin' non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too; and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.
  • Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...
  • This is gunna blow my cover but I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says, "Mitch, where's the drugs?" I just say, "Call the 1-800 number." Your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 AM and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for.
  • To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"
  • I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
  • I was in Ireland. I got to drink absinthe in Ireland. Absinthe is a liquor that they outlaw. It's supposed to make you trip hallucinogenically. So I got excited because I like to hallucinate. So I started drinking lots of shots of it. But really it's just a liquor, so really I was just getting fucked up. I wasn't even remotely tripping. After 10 shots, I fell to the ground. I was trying to force the trip. "Why is the floor as low as I can go?" I was just faking it, you know.
  • The club owner here, when he comes to town, he'll hook you up with drugs. He'll give you cocaine and pot brownies. But last time I was in town, he gave me a drug for Attention Deficit Disorder. Because he's afflicted. But I'm not. So what happened to me is suddenly I had an extra long attention span. People would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I would get all mad and shit. "Come on, man. There's got to be more to that story. I'm on pills here."
  • I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."
  • I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
  • These lights are pretty bright, kinda makes me wanna grow weed again.
  • I was in a movie recently. I had a small cameo with Peter Frampton. We had to smoke fake pot in our scene. Do not buy pot on a movie set! But yeah, for this scene I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smokin' real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. And I done that waaaaaay more.
  • Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
  • I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!
  • When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure ... but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."

Hygiene-Related jokes

  • I got some tartar-control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "Come on, man, you know the deal. Fall in! You crazy-ass tartar..." I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit! ... That's actually kinda gross. After I tell that joke, I always clarify that I'm just joking. I don't know how much tartar I actually have. I assume it's the average amount. If we all did a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.
  • I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
  • I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!
  • I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "Fuck that. I'll just get a tan instead."
  • My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
  • Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave... too."
  • I booked myself at Las Vegas, in a casino, the Riviera Hotel, that has a comedy club. There were 4 comedians on the bill and we all had similar hair because we were all using the Riviera in-house shampoo. So we all have equal shine and bounce. It was a 2-in-1 shampoo and 2-in-1 is a bullshit term because 1 isn't big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2-in-1, it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit...
  • I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?!?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.
  • Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
  • I can't floss my teeth, man. I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke say, "Man, you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking." Yes, I do—it's as hard as it is to start flossing... "You seem jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss!"
  • I have a few cavities. I don't like to call 'em cavities, I like to call 'em places to put stuff! 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some locations available'.

Miscellaneous

  • Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
  • Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
  • Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
  • Hey! Get your priorities crooked.
  • Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
  • I mumble a lot offstage; I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
  • I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "Excuse me" he said, "Move." I thought that was rude so I said, "Go to hell," then I started to run. He caught me, though. He had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a lip ring, two eyebrow piercings, a pair of sunglasses, a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, man, you got a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man, you have a lot of... cranial accessories." [crowd laughs] You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you got a lot of shit on your head!"
  • I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!"
  • When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!
  • If you can convince an American that they are in Canada, you can get more money for a magazine.
  • If you get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
  • I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years."
  • You know when you have medication that makes you drowsy they print the warning label "do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this medication." The way I feel do not operate heavy machinery EVER. Its fuckin' heavy. Just put it down and back the fuck up. Operate some light machinery, like a stapler. Put the forklift away.
  • I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  • Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away."
  • I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
  • I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know - there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want to dream of me watching myself sleep.
  • If 13 is an unlucky number, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. "12, I know I saw you with 13." "No I wasn't, I was with 11. You talk to 14 about that shit." "What do you have to say, 14?" "Me divided by 2 equals 7... alright, I was with 13, shit."
  • Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your name?" "BOB" "Get the fuck away!"
  • I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
  • I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
  • If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
  • I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
  • I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly."
  • I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
  • I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
  • I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere."
  • I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
  • As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WEEEEE!!!!" That's what you say when you're having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.
  • I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore; I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool. 'Cause you know me."
  • I was on That 70's Show, and I put it on my acting résumé. Before that my acting résumé was sparse; it was all bullshit. It was like, "When I'm playing pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition and I acted like I didn't care."
  • I got into comedy to do comedy, which is weird, I know. But when you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, "Alright, you're a standup comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script." They want me to do things that's related to comedy but not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, "Alright, you're a cook... Can you farm?"
  • I never joined the army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. "At ease" was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
  • A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
  • I dressed up for the CD.
  • Do you believe in gosh?
  • I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary, It did not need to exist... It was pure Danger.
  • Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
  • It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, fuck it, this song is funky..."
  • In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker.
  • I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
  • People in a parade are cocky. They think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone's way.
  • I get a cold sore. I hate to say it, Minnesota, but in a cold sore I put Carmex on it 'cause Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I dunno if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. It's like cold sore highlighter! Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
  • I fuckin' hate arrows, man. It's like, "Fuck you. I'm not going that way .... line... with two thirds...of a triangle on the end." Could you imagine being killed by a bow and arrow? That would suck. An arrow killed you. They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy.... Let's go that way."
  • I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
  • I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like if I'm at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhhh... Itsaboys."
  • See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot.
  • That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
  • Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
  • I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
  • I hate spelling words with double letters, because I never know when I'm suppossedd to stutter on purpose.
  • If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
  • I drove by a company that sold manufactured homes. But these were reposessed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away. *Knock knock knock* "Hi, could you go cut your grass? Then look that way for a half an hour?"
  • If you boat a lot you are known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me 'a guy that likes to boat'.
  • I walked by a spy shop; you know those places that sell surveillance equipment. Every time I walk by a spy shop I think ‘I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that looks like a Spray and Wash can; that would create better situations. ‘Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray and Wash?’ – ‘Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!’
  • I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walkin' along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?' 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'When I regain my equilibrium.'
  • If something is 1.0, you don't need to say, 'point oh.'
  • It would be cool if you lived with a monster. You would never get hiccups.
  • I like the way this [venue] is situated. It seems like you were chasing me, closing in, and then said, "Fuck it. Let's sit down."
  • There's this headliner says I gotta do 45 minutes of comedy. That's a sitcom and a haaaaalf! For Christ's sake. I never seen a show and said, "I wanna see that character for fifteen more minutes." So I know you're sick of me, and I'm sick of myself. It's a long time to stand up here and say, "Listen to me, fuck haha! Don't talk or you'll get kicked the fuck out!"

External links




pt:Mitch Hedberg
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