Mystery Science Theater 3000

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 episodes (movies), 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon. (See Notes below for help on using this page.)

KTMA	00	01	02	03	04	05	06	07	08	09	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18	19	20	21
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S7	01	02	03	04	05	06			MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)
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Spec	01	02	03	04		Unknown episode						Notes		Major cast				See also			External links

Notes

• How to use this page. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a tooltip. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
• What kind of quotes to add. Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).</small>
• How to format quotes. See the discussion page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.
• What do the colors mean?. The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for MST3K:

KTMA: Season 0	Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Season 1	Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5	Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6	Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Season 7	Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
Gramercy: MST3K: The Movie	Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10	Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
Short features (various seasons)	(various casts & channels)
CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews)	Mike & the Bots

Season 0

The Green Slime

Man: That's an asteroid!

Joel: That's no asteroid… that's a battlestation!

Invaders from the Deep

Revenge of the Mysterons

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II

Gamera vs. Barugon

Gamera

Gamera vs. Gaos

Gamera vs. Zigra

Gamera vs. Guiron

Phase IV

Crow: Looks kinda skinny, must be a Carpenter ant!

Servo: Ant-orexic!

---

Servo: Y'know, ants can lift entire watermelons! And great big chicken legs!...It happened on "The Flintstones".

Crow: *I* had a chicken leg once...I had to wear corrective shoes!

Cosmic Princess

[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]

Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.

Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.

Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.

---

[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]

Tony: 1… 2…

Servo [as Tony]: 3…

Tony: 5…

Joel, Crow, Servo: What?!

Tony: 6…

Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.

Tony: 7… 4.

Crow: Well, they are British.

Humanoid Woman

Fugitive Alien

SST: Death Flight

[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]

Angela: [vapidly] Hello!

[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]

Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.

---

[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]

Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.

Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.

Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…

Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.

---

Crow: (after a woman passes out from screaming) I guess she's in charge of panicking!

Mighty Jack

Superdome

City on Fire

[a woman is going into labor]

Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!

Joel: Boil some water.

Crow: Boil some newspapers!

Time of the Apes

Joel: [as Monkey Drill Officer gathers the troops] "About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!"

The Million Eyes of Sumuru

[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]

Tommy/Frankie: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!

Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

Hangar 18

The Last Chase

Legend of the Dinosaur

Season 1

The Crawling Eye

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)

[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]

Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preseve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.

Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee.

Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.

[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]

Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.

---

[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]

Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?

Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]

I've reached the end of my life

And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

Mad Monster

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)

Mad Monster (movie)

[Local yokel Jed Harper wanders through the misty, jungle-like woods at night.]

Servo: [singing to "Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'"]

Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,

A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.

Then one day, he was shootin' at some food…

[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]

Joel: [singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.

Servo: Wolfman, that is.

Joel: Black teeth.

Joel, Servo: Gnarled face.

[The wolfman begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]

Servo: [singing]

Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.

The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"

Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"

So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet

[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]

Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba!

---

[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]

Joel: Is he primordial soup yet?

---

[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]

Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

The Corpse Vanishes

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)

The Corpse Vanishes (movie)

[Lorenz quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet.]

Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.

---

[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]

Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!

[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]

Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake!

The Crawling Hand

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]

Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?

Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.

---

[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]

Marta: Paul… what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?

Paul: "Stacked"?

Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.

Robot Monster

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)

Robot Monster (movie)

[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man consults with his boss, the Great Guidance.]

Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!

Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?

Ro-Man: Yes. [in distress] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!

Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.

Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?

Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!

The Slime People

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)

The Slime People (movie)

[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]

Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".

Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

---

[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]

Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.

Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.

Crow: At night.

Joel: In a fog.

Project Moonbase

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)

Project Moonbase (movie)

Robot Holocaust

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)

Robot Holocaust (movie)

[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk. Unfortunately, she doesn't.]

Valeria: You liv me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?

Torque: Yes!

Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?

Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.

Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?

Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?

Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.

Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?

---

[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]

Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground-

Crow: A voice-over is placed into the script.

Moon Zero Two

[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]

Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!

---

[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]

Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?

Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.

---

[As moon buggy overheats and explodes, jazz soundtrack lets out piercing wail.]

Tom: Oh no the jazz combo was in there!!

Untamed Youth

[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]

Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?

Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

---

[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]

Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.

---

Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.

Crow: Maybe it's Aida.

---

Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.

Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.

---

[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]

Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!

Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?

Servo: I don't wanna know.

The Black Scorpion

Season 2

Rocketship X-M

Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now?

Crow: I'm for it.

---

[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]

Servo [as Astronaut]: Wellp… that could have gone better.

Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!

Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense!

Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away!

Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!

[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]

Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!

Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!

Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home!

---

Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.

The Sidehackers

Joel: [singing the MST3K "Sidehacker Song"]

Sidehacking is the thing to do,

And it doesn't hurt to have a low I.Q.

Sidehack'll quench your danger thirst.

The stupid ones always seem to come in first.

Sidehacking is one big bash,

The favorite sport of cheap white trash.

Better get with the sport, 'cause it won't last long —

The founders of the sport are laid at Forest Lawn.

Jungle Goddess

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)

[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]

Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out."

Jungle Goddess (movie)

[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]

Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.

Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.

Catalina Caper

Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.

Don Pringle: Don Pringle.

Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.

---

[ Little Richard is performing "Scuba Party" on the Catalina ferry.]

Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!

---

[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]

Servo: I feel a number coming on…

Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!

Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.

Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!

⇒ A collision of dance-pop group "Gloria Estefan & the Miami Sound Machine" and the Latin "deus ex machina" (god from machine), a device used in stories/theatre to solve an otherwise insurmountable problem almost magically (ie with the "Gods'" help).

Rocket Attack U.S.A.

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)

Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie)

[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]

Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.

Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them!

---

[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]

General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.

Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?

---

[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]

Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?

Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.

Ring of Terror

Ring of Terror (movie)

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)

Wild Rebels

[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]

Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.

Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.

Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.

Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?

---

[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]

Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.

Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!

Lost Continent

[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]

Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?

Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!

Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.

Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!

Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

The Hellcats

King Dinosaur

X Marks the Spot (short)

{The commissioner is talking}

Tom: He sounds like Comissioner Fudd.

Tom(ala Elmer Fudd) You may not be able to see it from here, but my torso is fwused to a bwock of gwanite.

---

King Dinosaur (movie)

First Spaceship on Venus

[Astronaut Brinkman accidently kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]

Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhhh… note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.

---

[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]

Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?

Godzilla vs. Megalon

Narrator: The effects of the explosion were wide-spread, even on faraway Monster Island in the South Pacific.

Crow: Aw, whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer.

---

[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]

Goro: Hey! The rocket!

Servo: [snorts] Rockets!

Crow: On a picnic?

---

[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]

Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?

Joel: Yeah.

Servo: Yep!

Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

---

Jinkawa: Hey, listen. It would be funny if the earthquakes destroyed your robot! Heh.

Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it'd be funny if the earthquake killed your family!

---

Goro: [lighting up] I just don't get it at all.

Servo: Wha? They're cigarettes!

---

[Goro and Rok-san are tied up inside a metal-walled space.]

Rok-san: What are we going to do? I reckon they mean to kill us!

Crow: You "reckon"? Hey, you're Japanese, Eb-san.

---

[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]

Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.

⇒ An appropriate paraphrase of a line from "Apocalypse Now".

---

Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?

Servo: No, it's another superhero of your own design.

Rok-san: Yes it is! It's him, alright!

Goro: They're controlling him.

Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go an' get Godzilla!

Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.

---

Defense Chief: OPEN FIRE!

Crow [as Defense Chief]: Kill indiscriminately!

---

[Jet Jaguar has just been badly hit by Gigan from behind.]

Joel [as Jet Jaguar]: Am I high, or did I just get nailed by some gargoyle thing?

---

[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]

Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!

Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?

Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!

Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.

---

[Godzilla is pummelling Megalon with a tree.]

Crow [as Sportscaster]: He's got a tree! He's got a tree! That's not the Godzilla we know — he's fighting dirty!

---

[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]

Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the law of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!

---

Servo [as Announcer]: No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.

---

[Godzilla is walking away.]

Rok-san: [shrilly] Bye-bye!

Joel, Crow, Servo: [shrilly] SHUT UP!!

Servo: Little twerp.

Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!

Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for levelling our country!

---

[Rok-san runs down the hill, smiling and waving, toward Jet Jaguar.]

Rok-san: That was great! Jet Jaguar!

[Cut to Jinkawa, also running down the hill, smiling and waving.]

Jinkawa: Jet Jaguar! Thanks a lot!

[Cut to Goro, also running down the hill, but not smiling or waving.]

Joel [as Goro]: I don't have a line!

---

[Rok-san is riding on Jet Jaguar's shoulders.]

Servo [as Jet Jaguar]: Hey, get this kid offa me! He's all wet, and he stinks!

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]

Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here!

⇒ Tippi Hedren starred as a woman frequently attacked by the title characters in Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds".

Season 3

Cave Dwellers

[In a flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]

Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.

---

[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]

Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.

---

[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]

Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!

Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.

. . .

Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!

---

[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]

Servo: Oh, come on.

Crow: What the…?!

Servo: [laughs]

Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!

Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…

---

[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]

Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there...

Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb...

---

Crow [as Ator]: Alright, ya crummy rats! Henry Kissinger says "Merry Christmas"!

Joel: [whistling noise]

⇒ Referring to the 1972 Christmas-Day U.S. bombing of Cambodia.

Servo [as Ator]: That's for calling me a fem!

---

[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]

Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.

[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]

Crow: Uh— huh?

Joel: How'd he do that?

Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?

[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]

Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.

Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.

Gamera

[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]

Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!

---

[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.]

Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!

Joel [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!

Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.

Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.

Servo [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so.

---

[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]

Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers…

Crow [as Newsman]: … and Kenny…

---

Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.

Servo: More Gamera movies?

---

[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]

Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.

Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.

Pod People

[The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.]

Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.

---

[Poachers are hiking through the forest with camping gear, hunting rifles, and a crossbow.]

Servo [as Yogi Bear]: Whadaya say we take the picnic baskets and scam, Booboo?

---

[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the OK sign, but then quickly frowns.]

Rick: It stinks!

Joel, Crow, Servo [as Soundtrack Horns]: WAH, WAH, WAH.

---

[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]

Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.

Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?

Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.

---

[Inside the glowing cave, a poacher smashing alien eggs with his rifle.]

Crow: Oh, what is he? An L.A. cop?

Servo: Eww!

[A tall, snouted, short-limbed monster attacks the poacher, who tries to fend it off with his gun.]

Servo [as Monster/Giant Chicken]: BOCK. BOCK. BOCK. CLUCK. CLUCK. CLUCK.

Joel: My goodness, it's the Easter Bunny, and is he ever mad!

---

[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]

Servo: Syntho-birds.

Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.

Joel: They parked next to a data stream.

---

[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]

Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!

---

[A cat-sized Trumpy slurps up a bowl of milk.]

Tommy: If you keep drinking milk like that, you're gonna grow really big and strong! Then we can play together! You know what playing is, Trumpy?

Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes. It's where I break you in half.

. . .

[Cut to a mountain scene, then to the cabin exterior, then back to Tommy's room and a kid-sized Trumpy.]

Tommy: Oh boy, how you've grown!

Joel: Yeah, during the cutaway, anything's possible!

---

Tommy: [Do] you know how to play, Trumpy?

[Trumpy whines quietly.]

Tommy: What do you know?

Crow [as Trumpy]: Food. Eating. The theater.

---

'"Crow [as Trumpy, examining pet animals in Tommies room]'": My. They all look like potatoes. [is scratched by cat] Ow, that's my snout. This potatoe has long ears; where should I start, it all looks so good. [examining a parakeet and some young rabbits] Little, winged potatoes...new potatoes...it's a whole buffet...

---

[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]

Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.

Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.

---

[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]

Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.

. . .

Tommy: You can do magic things!

[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]

Crow: It's called "evil", kid.

Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?

Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.

Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.

---

[The adult monster approaches the cabin. The camera pans across a Sprite label.]

Joel: Check it out! Product placement, right there!

. . .

Crow [as Adult Monster]: Hmm! Coke, Sprite, Pepto-Bismol, United Airlines… Steve Guttenburg…

---

[After another murder.]

Crow [as Trumpy]: You're my alibi, kid.

---

[While Trumpy browses along the kid's room full of pets...]

Crow [as Trumpy]: Oh, my, what lovely potatoes. It's like an open buffet. Look, little winged potatoes. I don't know where to start!

---

[After sucking lots of nuts up through his trunk like a vacuum.]

Crow [as Trumpy]: Now you try it, kid.

Joel: I hope he doesn't sneeze. He'll pistol-whip that kid with peanuts.

---

[Tommy and his family find another body.]

Tommy: Oh, why did you do it, Trumpy?

Crow [as Trumpy]: I did it for kicks.

---

[Tommy feeding Trumpy peanuts]

Tommy: These we'll put away for later.

Crow [as Trumpy]: No. More.

Tommy: Now we can play together.

Crow: Like Hell. More food.

Gamera vs. Barugon

[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]

Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.

Stranded in Space

Time of the Apes

[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]

Crow [as Caroline]: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.

---

Joel: [as Monkey Drill Officer gathers the troops]: "About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!"

---

Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared!

Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.

Crow: We're doomed, but with you.

Daddy-O

Alphabet Antics (short)

Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!

Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash!

⇒ The narrator's line is lifted from "The Pelican", a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.

Daddy-O (movie)

[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]

Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!

[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]

Phil: What's this?

Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.

Gamera vs. Gaos

The Amazing Colossal Man

[Glen runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]

Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!

Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.

Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

---

[Carol and Glenn are out in the country, Carol perched on the hood of her car, Glenn sulking next to her.]

Tom: Who do you think drove?

Glen: I just don't want to grow anymore.

Joel: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.

Glen: [shouting louder]I DON'T WANT TO GROW ANYMORE! [leaving Carol]

Joel: I'M A TOYS 'R US KID!!!

Crow: Big baby.

---

[Sixty-foot-tall Glen Manning heads for Boulder Dam.]

Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!

Fugitive Alien

[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]

Mike [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.

---

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing]

This is the song written for the train chase.

This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!

He tried to kill me with a forklift…

Olé!

---

Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?

Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

It Conquered the World

Snow Thrills (short)

[watching some bobsledding wipeouts]

Tom: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.

It Conquered the World (movie)

[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]

Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.

Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail.

Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.

Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad.

. . .

[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]

Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?

Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper!

Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums.

Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.

Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me!

---

[Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]

Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.

Gamera vs. Guiron

[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]

Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best

Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!

---

[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]

Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

---

[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]

Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.

---

[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]

Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

---

[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]

Tomoko: Kon-chan?

Officer Kondo: Heh? What?

Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!

---

[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]

Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

Earth vs. the Spider

Speech: Using Your Voice (short)

Professor Bueller- Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale-

Crow- Or an arm

{a shot of a girl about to give a speech}

Crow- This man is wearing a push up bra. Now he is pleasing.

Professor Did you know

Crow-That I have little bunnies painted on my knees?

Professor Use plenty of lip and tongue action.

Earth vs. the Spider (movie)

Servo: Spider, spider!!

Mighty Jack

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]

Yo ho, slow the plot down.

Way hey, slow the plot down!

We'll keelhaul the plot, then we'll run her aground.

Give me some time to slow the plot down!

Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.

Way hey, slow the plot down!

Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!

We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Teenage Caveman

Aquatic Wizards (short)

Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all.

Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!

[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]

Catching Trouble (short)

[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]

Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.

Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!

⇒ The order received by Capt. Willard in the film "Apocalypse Now".

Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."

Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.

Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!

Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.

⇒ Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film "A Night at the Opera".

---

[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]

Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.