Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon Dynamite

• Idiot!

• Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.

• Girls only want guys with great skills... You know, like nunchuck skills... bow staff skills... computer hacking skills.

• Get off me you bodaggit!

• That one looks like a medieval warrior.

• Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!

• I caught you a delicious bass.

• Do the chickens have large talons?

• Pedro offers you his protection.

• The defect in this one is bleach.

• Heck yes I did!

• Go find your own tots!

• Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.

• [While hitchhiking] Are you guys like Pedro's cousins with the sweet hook-ups?

• You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a bo staff.

• [To Deb] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? Because you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

• [To Deb] Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my nunchakus in there anymore.

• [To Trisha over the phone] It took me like 3 hours to finish the shading on your upper lip.

• Are you guys having a killer time?

• [To Deb] I like your sleeves... they're real big.

• [To Pedro] Just listen to your heart. That's what I do.

• What the heck are you even talking about?

• Whatever I feel like I wanna do, Gosh!

• You got like three feet of air that time.

• [To Pedro] I'd vote for you. You have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're the only guy at school who has a mustache. If you need to use any of my skills, I can do whatever you want. Plus I could be your body guard, too!

• "Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!"

• "Who's the only one here knows illegal ninja moves from the government?"

Kip

• [Whispered as typed] I love the way your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by...Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a stake.

• Your Mom goes to college.

• I'm just getting kinda TO'd, I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.

• How 'bout some gold bracelets?

• Been out making some sweet moola with Uncle Rico.

• [Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife] Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make me salivate... Yes, I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...

• Lafawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.

• Geez! Yeah, right, Napoleon! I made, like, 75 bucks today!

• Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

• Napoleon...like anyone can even know that.

Rex

• I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwon Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.

• Bow to your sensei!, BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!

• At Rex Kwon Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? [gestures toward Napoleon]

• Take a look at what I'm wearing, people [in sunglasses and matching american flag pants and bandana]. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it! Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? [Points at a photo of his wife, a blonde, tan, muscular body-builder] Forget about it!

Uncle Rico

• How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.

• Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.

• While you've been out playing pattycake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico has been out making a cool 120 bucks!

• Back in '82, I used to be able to toss a pigskin a quarter of a mile.

• Your grandma took a spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx!

• Hey, you guys wanna see my video?

• So, what do you think?

• Kip, I reckon you know a lot about...cyberspace?

• [Answering cell phone] Hello?

Dialogue

Boy: What are you going to do today, Napoleon?

Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I want to do! Gosh!

Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.

Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water.

Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?

Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!

Don: Did you shoot any?

Napoleon: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?

Don: What kind of gun did you use?

Napoleon: A friggin' twelve-gauge, what do you think?

Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, can I use your guys' phone for a sec?

Secretary: Is there anything wrong?

Napoleon: I don't feel very good. [takes telephone and dials number]

Kip: [on other line, making nachos] Hi.'

Napoleon: Is grandma there?

Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.

Napoleon: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Kip: What do you need?

Napoleon: Can you just go get her for me?

Kip: I'm really busy right now.

Napoleon: Just tell her to come get me.

Kip: Why?

Napoleon: 'Cause I don't feel good!

Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?

Napoleon: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?

Kip: No.

Napoleon: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?

Kip: No, Napoleon.

Napoleon: But my lips hurt real bad!

Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.

Napoleon: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!

Kip: See ya.

Napoleon: Ugh! Idiot!

Pedro: It's a Sledgehammer.

Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks...pegs... LUCKY!

Napoleon: How long did it take you to grow that moustache?

Pedro: Eh... a couple of days.

Napoleon: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!

Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

Napoleon: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.

Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.

Napoleon: What?

Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Deb: And here we have some boondoggle keychains. A must-have for this season's fashion.

Napoleon: I already bought, like, infinity of those at scout camp.

Deb: Well, is anyone else here? I'm trying to earn money for college.

Kip: [in the background] Your MOM goes to college!

Grandma: How was school today, Napoleon?

Napoleon: Worst day of my life, what do you think?

Napoleon: Well, what is there to eat?

Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!

Kip: So how long are we talking about working?

Uncle Rico: What,are you already losing your steam?

Kip: No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at four. I gotta be back here by then.

Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?

Kip: Jeez, sometimes up to 3 or 4 hours maybe... maybe not...

Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?

Kip: Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.

Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.

Napoleon Dynamite: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.

Pedro: Is she hot?

Napoleon: See for yourself. [hands him Deb's glamor shot sample]

Pedro: Wow.

Napoleon: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year.

Pedro: I like her bangs.

Napoleon: Me too.

Don: [playing kickball] Hey, Napoleon. Did you wet the bed last night?

Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, Don, did you take a dump in your bed last night?

Don: I could kick your butt, Napoleon, so I'd shut up.

Napoleon: Why don't you go tell your mom to shut up?

Don: What did you say?

Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I wanna say.

Don: Did you say something about my mom?

Napoleon: Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

Don: Do you wanna die, Napoleon?

Napoleon: Yeah, right. Who's the only one here who knows the illegal ninja moves from the government?

Don: Step up, Napoleon.

[Napoleon slaps him, then runs away.]

Napoleon Dynamite: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.

Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.

Napoleon: Too bad. She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.

Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.

Napoleon: Get off my property!

Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.

Napoleon: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.

Uncle Rico: Well then do it! Go on!

Napoleon: Maybe I will, GOSH!

Uncle Rico: So, what do you think?

Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.

Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man, I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.

Napoleon Dynamite: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.

Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.

Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.

Napoleon: You guys are retarded!

Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?

Pedro: That girl over there.

Napoleon: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?

Pedro: Build her a cake or something.

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?

Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.

Pedro: Like what are my skills?

Napoleon: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

Pedro: That's true.

Pedro: If I win, you can be my secretary or something.

Napoleon Dynamite: Sweet!

Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?

Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours everyday so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.

Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.

Pedro: Why?

Napoleon: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.

Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?

Napoleon: No. Not unless she likes fish.

Pedro: Who was that?

Napoleon Dynamite: Trisha.

Pedro: Who's she?

Napoleon: My woman I'm taking to the dance.

Pedro: Did you draw her a picture?

Napoleon: Heck yes I did.

Don: Vote for Summer.

Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.

Don: Then who you gonna vote for?

Napoleon: I'm votin' for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think? [Don scoffs and starts to walk away]

Napoleon: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?

[Don hands Napoleon a "Vote 4 Summer" button; Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, then runs away.]

Deb: What are you drawing?

Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.

Deb: What's a liger?

Napoleon: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

Napoleon Dynamite: [entering convenience store] Hey, how's it goin'. Those egg rolls are looking pretty good. I might get me some later, I don't have any money right now. You know, I think I'm just gonna get me one of them lotto tickets. My wife says I gotta stop but I'm just feeling real positive today and I wanted to try out my luck and —

Cashier: I think you'd better get back to class. I don't sell lotto tickets to minors.

Napoleon: I'm just gonna go get my ID. [bumps into cooler]

...

Napoleon: [outside, to Pedro] Gosh! They wouldn't sell me one. I don't look old enough. Dang!

Pedro: Do you think I look old enough?

...

Pedro: [in store] Un lotto ticket por favor.

[the Cashier looks at Pedro's mustache, then sells him a ticket.]

...

Napoleon: [outside, scratching ticket] Yes! Three spuds! You picked a good one! That's ten dollars! Yes!

Napoleon: Why do you got your hood on like that?

Pedro: Well, when I came home from school, my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went in the kitchen, and I shaved it all off and I don't want no one to see.

Napoleon: [drinks a glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.

FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.

Napoleon: Yessssss.

Napoleon: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.

FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.

Napoleon: Yessssss.

Taglines

• He's out to prove he's got nothing to prove.

• It's Gonna Be a Dynamite Summer

• Same planet...different flippin' world.

Cast

• Jon Heder - Napoleon Dynamite
• Efren Ramirez - Pedro Sanchez
• Jon Gries - Uncle Rico
• Aaron Ruell - Kip Dynamite
• Diedrich Bader - Rex
• Tina Majorino - Deb
• Sandy Martin - Grandma
• Haylie Duff - Summer Wheatly
• Emily Kennard - Trisha Stevens
• Trevor Snarr - Don
• Shondrella Avery - LaFawnduh Lucas

External Links

• Napoleon Dynamite quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Napoleon Dynamite at Rotten Tomatoes
• Napoleon Dynamite Soundboard
• Pedro Sanchez Soundboard