Police Squad!

From BillionQuotes

Police squad (1982) was a comedy series that ran for only 6 episodes in 1982. Created by the team of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker and Jerry Zucker it later went on to form the basis of their "Naked Gun" series of feature films. The basic premise was a spoof of other Quinn Martin police dramas.

One of the recurring jokes was in the title: A title was shown on the screen, and the narrator would read off something totally different. Here, the first title is the one shown on screen, while the one in parenthesis was read aloud. Episodes are presented in order.

A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise)

[Frank's driving around the city at night with a laundry basket in the seat next to him]

Frank Drebin: My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I got the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

[Frank Drebin and Ed Hocken are interviewing a witness to a shooting]

Sally: Well, I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Frank Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?

Sally: No, Jim Johnson.

Frank Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?

Ed: He's the auditor, Frank.

Sally: He had the flu, so Jim... filled in.

Frank Drebin: Phil who?

Ed: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.

Sally: Oh, if only Phil had been here...

Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then

[In the police crime lab, Olsen is showing Drebin a ballistics penetration test... but shooting a a row of VHS tapes in boxes on a shelf]

Ted Olson: You'll notice that the bullet only penetrated to the point where Barbara asks Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she wants to be.

"Ring of Fear" (A Dangerous Assignment)

[Acting as a coach to a boxer, Frank takes a saxophone away from Bob]

Frank Drebin: Sorry, Bobby. No sax before a fight.

Rendez-vous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood)

Frank Drebin: "It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment...she had neglected to give me her address."

[After walking in unannounced to Dutch's office]

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Revenge and Remorse (The Guilty Alibi)

[After breaking into Mimi's dressing room]

Mimi DuJour: "Is this some kind of bust?"

Frank Drebin: "Yes, ma'am, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions."

The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand)

Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh)

"Mr. V": That was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.

Frank Drebin: Well, you take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

Repeated

[Frank Drebin offers someone he's talking to a cigarette]

Frank Drebin: Cigarette?

(Whoever he's talking to): Yes, I know. or Yes, it is.

Anybody: Surely you're joking.

Drebin: I'm not joking, and don't call me Shirley.