Ralph Wiggum

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  • "Why do people run from me?" (a big stain appears in his pants)
  • "Hi, Principal Skinner. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers." (instead of 'Superintendent' Chalmers)
  • Hi Liar!
  • "I'm learnding!" [sic].
  • "My sash says 'Ultraman'!" (Said during a documentary of Springfield when asked about his hall-moniter duty. It is uncertain if this is a reference to the Japanese super hero Ultraman.)
  • "I'm Idaho!"
  • "Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school."
  • "When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar!"
  • Ralph:(With stranded group looking for food)"I eated [sic] the purple berries! Ohhhh...ohh" (groans and collapses)
    Bart:"How are they, Ralph? Good?"
    Ralph:"They taste like... burning!"
  • "Hi Lisa. We're gonna be in a pie!"
  • "My nose makes its own bubble gum!"
  • "I don't like you, boy-mommy!"
  • "Daddy says I'm this close to sleeping in the yard!"
  • "My cat's breath smells like cat food."
  • (To Lisa)"Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington." (picks up an outfit of Franklin D. Roosevelt instead.)
  • "This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end."
  • Me fail English? That's unpossible. [sic]
  • Bart: (smelling an electric chair) You smell that Ralph? That's the smell of justice.
    Ralph: It smells like hotdogs.
  • Ralph: (driving Chief Wiggum's police car) "I let go of the parking brake!"
    Chief Wiggum: (behind the police car on Ralph's trike) "Ralphy, if you stop the car, I'll let you play with my gun!"
  • What's a battle?
  • That's where I saw the leprechaun... he told me to burn things!!
  • Chocolate Microscopes?
  • Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.
  • Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? there's a dog in the vent.
    Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
    Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
  • Slow down Bart. My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.
  • My daddy shoots people.
  • (After steam leak in school) Now I've got two kinds of wet in my pants.
  • I got hit by boy Lisa and girl Lisa.
  • Lisa (pretendig to be a boy): Give me your lunch money kid.
    Ralph: Okay. (Holds out money)
  • Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
  • (to a wolf) Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies...
  • Ralph: (whispering) Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
    Lisa: (whispering) Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
    Ralph: (after a pause) My cat's name is Mittens.
  • Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever.
    Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph. Please sit down. (Ralph, apparently blind, walks out of the room and gets attacked by Nelson.)
  • I bent my Wookiee.
  • (Bart hits Ralph in the head and money falls out of Ralph's nose) There's my milk money. (Milk falls out of his nose) And my milk.
  • Oh boy! Sleep! That's when I'm a Viking!
  • And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
  • Even my boogers are spicy!
  • Ralph: Can you open my milk, mommy?
    Miss Hoover: I'm not your mommy, Ralph, I'm Miss Hoover.
  • (to the barber) Can you make me look like this? (holds up photo of Charlie Brown)
  • I'm going to eat chocolate 'til I barf!
  • (changed into a human-peacock on Dr. Moreau's Island) I'm a dog!
  • He's still funny, but not 'ha-ha' funny.
  • Ow, my face is on fire!
  • This snowflake tastes like fishsticks.
  • Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch!
  • I found a moon rock in my nose!
  • Hey, I know you, my daddy took your beer.
  • Help! She's touching my special area!
  • I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
  • Was president Lincoln okay?
  • (after being thrown through the Simpsons' front window with a note attached to his shirt) I'm a brick!
  • The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger outta there.
  • Look, Big Daddy, it's regular daddy!
  • (during the sugar prohibition) My baby! Where's my baby?
  • When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University.
  • (after a rat takes the keys in jail) The pointy kitty took it!
  • (in a Halloween episode) Dying tickles!
  • (upon entering the adult section of the comic book store) Everybody's hugging!
  • Lisa is a sellout! Lisa is a sellout! Lisa, what's a sellout?
  • Yay! I'm a feature columnist! (imitates fire engine noises)
  • (A blood packet has exploded on him) I look like Cable TV!
  • (Referring to Lisa's new Vegetarianism) "I can't believe I ever went out with you!"
  • I'm going to Africa to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and gorillas and...
  • Ralph: Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
    Chief Wiggum: Just relax and it'll come, son
  • Eww, Daddy, this tastes like grandma.
  • I'm happy AND ANGRY!
  • Look, it's Lisa, and she's winning us back!
  • (About his earring caught on his shirt sleeve) My head hurts, and my ear hurts. I have two owies.
  • (singing to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star") "A,B,C,D,E,F,G, How I wonder what you are."
  • (to Bart, after he has been threatened with serious bodily harm for his poor performance as quarterback): "You're going to heaven!"
  • (on fires) "In my house we call them 'uh ohs'."
  • Ralph: Miss Hoover, I don't have a red crayon.
    Miss Hoover: Why not?
    Ralph: I ate it.
  • Milhouse:Bart's a goner. Anyone want to be my new best friend?
    Ralph: I will
    Milhouse: Great! Finally, I'll be the dominant one!
    Ralph: Be quiet.
    Milhouse: Yes, sir.
  • That is so 1991.
  • (In response to an interview about Lisa in The Dad Who Knew Too Little) Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
    Detective Colt: Yes, you've said that already! Is there anything else you know?
    Ralph: I once picked my nose untill it bleeded once.
    Detective Colt: About Lisa!
    Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
    Detective Colt: Looks like somebody's already worked this guy over.
  • My knob tastes funny
  • Milhouse: It's not so bad, I'm standing on Ralph.
    Ralph: We're a totum pole, hyah hyah hyah hyah
  • Why can't you be friends like me and Mr. Hand (pokes himself in the eye). You've betrayed me for the last time (pulls out a pair of scissors).
  • (during a game of 'Duck Duck Goose') "Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck....."
  • Fun toys are fun
  • (dangling from a weathervane, after being launched from a trampoline) I almost died.
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