Ralph Wiggum

From BillionQuotes

• "Why do people run from me?" (a big stain appears in his pants)
• "Hi, Principal Skinner. Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers." (instead of 'Superintendent' Chalmers)
• Hi Liar!
• "I'm learnding!" [sic].
• "My sash says 'Ultraman'!" (Said during a documentary of Springfield when asked about his hall-moniter duty. It is uncertain if this is a reference to the Japanese super hero Ultraman.)
• "I'm Idaho!"
• "Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school."
• "When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar!"
• Ralph:(With stranded group looking for food)"I eated [sic] the purple berries! Ohhhh...ohh" (groans and collapses)
  Bart:"How are they, Ralph? Good?"
  Ralph:"They taste like... burning!"
• "Hi Lisa. We're gonna be in a pie!"
• "My nose makes its own bubble gum!"
• "I don't like you, boy-mommy!"
• "Daddy says I'm this close to sleeping in the yard!"
• "My cat's breath smells like cat food."
• (To Lisa)"Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington." (picks up an outfit of Franklin D. Roosevelt instead.)
• "This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end."
• Me fail English? That's unpossible. [sic]
• Bart: (smelling an electric chair) You smell that Ralph? That's the smell of justice.
  Ralph: It smells like hotdogs.
• Ralph: (driving Chief Wiggum's police car) "I let go of the parking brake!"
  Chief Wiggum: (behind the police car on Ralph's trike) "Ralphy, if you stop the car, I'll let you play with my gun!"
• What's a battle?
• That's where I saw the leprechaun... he told me to burn things!!
• Chocolate Microscopes?
• Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.
• Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? there's a dog in the vent.
  Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
  Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
• Slow down Bart. My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.
• My daddy shoots people.
• (After steam leak in school) Now I've got two kinds of wet in my pants.
• I got hit by boy Lisa and girl Lisa.
• Lisa (pretendig to be a boy): Give me your lunch money kid.
  Ralph: Okay. (Holds out money)
• Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
• (to a wolf) Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies...
• Ralph: (whispering) Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
  Lisa: (whispering) Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
  Ralph: (after a pause) My cat's name is Mittens.
• Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever.
  Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph. Please sit down. (Ralph, apparently blind, walks out of the room and gets attacked by Nelson.)
  
• I bent my Wookiee.
• (Bart hits Ralph in the head and money falls out of Ralph's nose) There's my milk money. (Milk falls out of his nose) And my milk.
• Oh boy! Sleep! That's when I'm a Viking!
• And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
• Even my boogers are spicy!
• Ralph: Can you open my milk, mommy?
  Miss Hoover: I'm not your mommy, Ralph, I'm Miss Hoover.
• (to the barber) Can you make me look like this? (holds up photo of Charlie Brown)
• I'm going to eat chocolate 'til I barf!
• (changed into a human-peacock on Dr. Moreau's Island) I'm a dog!
• He's still funny, but not 'ha-ha' funny.
• Ow, my face is on fire!
• This snowflake tastes like fishsticks.
• Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch!
• I found a moon rock in my nose!
• Hey, I know you, my daddy took your beer.
• Help! She's touching my special area!
• I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
• Was president Lincoln okay?
• (after being thrown through the Simpsons' front window with a note attached to his shirt) I'm a brick!
• The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger outta there.
• Look, Big Daddy, it's regular daddy!
• (during the sugar prohibition) My baby! Where's my baby?
• When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University.
• (after a rat takes the keys in jail) The pointy kitty took it!
• (in a Halloween episode) Dying tickles!
• (upon entering the adult section of the comic book store) Everybody's hugging!
• Lisa is a sellout! Lisa is a sellout! Lisa, what's a sellout?
• Yay! I'm a feature columnist! (imitates fire engine noises)
• (A blood packet has exploded on him) I look like Cable TV!
• (Referring to Lisa's new Vegetarianism) "I can't believe I ever went out with you!"
• I'm going to Africa to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and gorillas and...
• Ralph: Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
  Chief Wiggum: Just relax and it'll come, son
• Eww, Daddy, this tastes like grandma.
• I'm happy AND ANGRY!
• Look, it's Lisa, and she's winning us back!
• (About his earring caught on his shirt sleeve) My head hurts, and my ear hurts. I have two owies.
• (singing to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star") "A,B,C,D,E,F,G, How I wonder what you are."
• (to Bart, after he has been threatened with serious bodily harm for his poor performance as quarterback): "You're going to heaven!"
• (on fires) "In my house we call them 'uh ohs'."
• Ralph: Miss Hoover, I don't have a red crayon.
  Miss Hoover: Why not?
  Ralph: I ate it.
• Milhouse:Bart's a goner. Anyone want to be my new best friend?
  Ralph: I will
  Milhouse: Great! Finally, I'll be the dominant one!
  Ralph: Be quiet.
  Milhouse: Yes, sir.
  
• That is so 1991.
• (In response to an interview about Lisa in The Dad Who Knew Too Little) Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
  Detective Colt: Yes, you've said that already! Is there anything else you know?
  Ralph: I once picked my nose untill it bleeded once.
  Detective Colt: About Lisa!
  Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
  Detective Colt: Looks like somebody's already worked this guy over.
• My knob tastes funny
• Milhouse: It's not so bad, I'm standing on Ralph.
  Ralph: We're a totum pole, hyah hyah hyah hyah
• Why can't you be friends like me and Mr. Hand (pokes himself in the eye). You've betrayed me for the last time (pulls out a pair of scissors).
• (during a game of 'Duck Duck Goose') "Duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck duck....."
• Fun toys are fun
• (dangling from a weathervane, after being launched from a trampoline) I almost died.