Sam & Max

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Sam & Max is an American comic book series, created by Steve Purcell, featuring fictional private investigators Sam; a 6-foot anthropomorphic dog, and Max; a "hyperkinetic rabbity thing". The characters have since made many appearances in electronic games and even their own short-lived animated television series.

Contents 1 From the comics 1.1 "Monkeys Violating the Heavenly Temple" (1987) 1.2 "Bad Day On The Moon" (1992) 2 From Sam & Max Hit the Road (1993) 3 From Sam & Max: Freelance Police!!! (1997-1998) 3.1 "The Thing That Wouldn't Stop It" (1997) 3.2 "The Second Show Ever" (1997) 3.3 "Max's Big Day" (1997) 3.4 "Bad Day On The Moon" (1997) 3.5 "Dysfunction Of The Gods" (1997) 3.6 "They Came From Down There" (1997) 3.7 "Big Trouble At The Earth's Core" (1997) 3.8 "A Glitch In Time" (1997) 3.9 "That Darn Gator" (1997) 3.10 "We Drop At Dawn" (1997) 3.11 "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (1998) 3.12 "The Tell Tale Tail" (1998) 3.13 "The Trouble With Gary" (1998) 3.14 "The Invaders" (1998) 3.15 "Sam & Max Vs. The Uglions" (1998) 3.16 "Little Bigfoot" (1998)

From the comics

"Monkeys Violating the Heavenly Temple" (1987)

• Max: HA! Trapped like ring-tailed rock wallaby!
  Sam: Like a rat, idiot.

• Sam: Say hello to your unsavory pals, Max.
  Max: Hello unsavory pals! What's new?
  Unsavory Pal #2: We're gonna eat you for dinner, fuzzy.
  Max: Tee hee.

• Sam: Oboy! It's the colorized version of Citizen Kane... Oh, my mistake— it's just the Flintstones.

• Max: Uh oh, sounds like the answering machine is demonically possessed again. Better than no messages at all though!

• Sam: Hello? Yes, Commissioner! Yes?... Yes?... Yes?.. Holy jumping mother o' God in a side-car with chocolate jimmies and a lobster bib! WE'RE ON OUR WAY!

• Sam: Get in the alley, hamsterhead.

• Sam: And then I'll be forced to jump off the highdive with your adorable carcass tied to my head, if I've read my volcano cults right.

• Sam (after pushing an untold number of cultists into an active volcano): Whew!... I feel kind of bad about all this.
  Max: But they had torches and frankenstein rakes!
  Sam: Oh. Yeah, that's right.

• Max (regarding a bloated volcano god): It’s like something from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade gone horribly awry!

"Bad Day On The Moon" (1992)

• Max: He's got a boo boo on his head. I think I should kiss it.
  Sam: Watch it, Mister Sticky! Don't let him get his mouth so close to your face!
  Max: Maybe he needs a transfusion, Sam. LET'S GO GET SOME BLOOD!

• Sam: By the way, Max. That was a brilliant idea, stuffing the muffler full of thousands and thousands of match heads and igniting them thereupon providing adequate thrust to break free of the earth's pull.
  Max: Thanks, Sam. I thought it up with my huge brain.

• Sam: So let me get this straight. We can breathe here then?
  Max: I guess those candy-butt astronauts didn't have the stones to try it.
  Sam: I could never say that about an astronaut.

• Sam: Giant rat guys! Weird. Interesting.
  Max: And somehow appropriate. Shall we beat the living crap out of them, Sam?
  Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.

• Minister of Science: The basic molecular structure of your little friend is still vastly compromised. Hand me that staple gun.

• Sam: Sometime we should sit down and have a spiritual discussion about the sanctity of life.
  Max: BLAM! And then he was mucilage! Did you say something, Sam?
  Sam: Forget it, little buddy.

From Sam & Max Hit the Road (1993)

• Sam: Vertical silverware storage. (describing a dartboard with knives and axes in it)

• Sam: You're looking hale and hearty, little buddy.
  Max: I'm a coffee achiever, Sam.

• Sam: I really admire Flint's business acumen.
  Max: Please, Sam, don't use the word "acumen" in front of me again.

• Sam: Aww, it's a cute, little, hypercephalic kitten.
  Max (three alternate responses): I am repulsed by his bulging eyes.
  / I'll call him "Mittens", since he'd make a fine pair of them.
  / He's adorable! Let's take him home and put tape on his feet.

• Max: Good lord, it's a possessed outhouse!
  Sam: This sort of thing wouldn't happen if they had indoor plumbing.

• Sam: Just your run of the mill flying outhouse.

• Max: Not to be rude, but you're the single ugliest thing we've ever seen.

• Max: STOP HIM SAM, HE'S GONNA TELL US A STORY!!!

• Max: Go buy some games right now, especially those old LucasArts ones.

• Max: Sam, the dead animal heads are talking to me.

• Max: Don't play it again, Sam.

• Max: Of all the Daliesque tourist traps in the world, we had to walk into this one.

• Sam: I love this car.
  Max: You're a sick puppy, Sam.

• Max: Good lord, he's buck naked.
  Sam: So are you.
  Max: Yeah, but I'm cute and marketable.

• Max: I think that punk learned a valuable lesson today, Sam.
  Sam: Me too. I never knew the lower lip could stretch completely over the head like that.

• Sam: Wow, what an impressive mural of John Muir.
  Max: But who's John Muir?
  Stuffed Animal Heads: Hey fellas. This bum doesn't know who John Muir is. Shall we teach him? (Reciting) There once was a man named John Muir, A naturalist noble and pure, Whose love for all beasties, the most and the least-ies, Has never been equalled, Uh..fer shure!
  Meanwhile, a sign is flashing the word "Edutainment"

• Sam (holding a bomb): Max, where should I put this so it doesn't hurt anyone we know or care about?
  Max: Out the window, Sam. There's nothing but strangers out there.

• Sam: I've got something in my eye.
  Max: Try digging it out with a fork. That always works for me.

• Max: I'd be peeing my pants if I wore any!

• Sam (at a wishing well): I wish I knew what Max was thinking.
  Max (in his mind): ..............
  Sam: Well, that was a waste of money.

• Max: This doesn't look like the Lincoln Tunnel, Sam.
  Sam: Looks to me like a marginally volatile hostage situation, Max.
  Max: Ooo! Does this mean we get to kick some puffy white mad scientist butt?
  Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.

• Sam: There's a book on the shelf over there. If I had even the slightest inclination to strain myself, I could probably relatively easily lean over and grab it. But I'm sure I can turn it into a meaningless puzzle of some sort.

• The sky goes dark and the stars spell out "GO TO BUMPUSVILLE".
  Max: This means something, Sam.

• Sam: My little buddy has to use the facilities.
  Max: Facilities be damned, I need a bathroom!

• Sam and Max arrive at "Frog Rock"
  Max: It doesn't even look like a frog. I want my money back.
  Sam: You didn't pay anything.
  Max: Well, somebody better give me some money.

• Max: I don't think the cute, little robot wants to accept its new programming, Sam.
  Sam: I don't recall giving it a cute, little choice.

• Max is handed the Snuckey's restroom key
  Sam:That's an awfully big rasp attached to that keychain.
  Max: Out of toilet paper?

• Sam: Percent sign, ampersand, dollar sign!
  Max: And colon, semicolon, too!
  Tool-Bending Guy: What are you #^&@ing doing?!
  Sam: We're swearing in longhand, asterisk-mouth.

• Max: I have an idea, and it doesn’t involve high explosives…

• Sam: Holy cripes on toast!

• Sam: I can't use these things together!

• Sam reads a convenience store sign.
  Sam: "Guns, Liquor, Baby Needs."

• After riding the Tunnel of Love
  Sam: Well, that was refreshing.
  Max: I think we're supposed to do something in there, Sam.

• Sam: I don't have anyone to call.
  Max: Call me, call me!
  Sam: You'd have to get cellular.
  Max: I'm pixular! It's better than cellular!
  Sam: That was bad, Max. Really bad.
  Max: Hey, who cares? I'M CUTE!

From Sam & Max: Freelance Police!!! (1997-1998)

"The Thing That Wouldn't Stop It" (1997)

• Sam: Gee, I hope this wasn't anything important.
  Max: It looks like an incredibly virulent form of the plague.
  Sam: But tastes like butter.

• Sam: I can't believe I shot at an innocent vegetable.
  Max: I can't believe I said chill.

• Sam: Well here we are in the hostile parallel ice dimension contained inside the Geek's freezer.
  Max: And me without my lip balm.
  Sam: And you without lips.

• Hudson: What are ya, crazy man? What kind of sick lunatic would volunteer to do that?
  Max (getting excited): Oo, pick me! Oo, me! Oo!

• The Geek: Look what you did! The lab is ruined!
  Sam: Oh, I wouldn't say that! Some fresh paint, a few plants here and there, and a construction crew working around the clock and it'll be as good as new!

• Sam: I don't know anyone who could fire-bomb a bunch of cute little kittens!
  Max: Here. Let me.

• Max: It wont be long now.......Sam skipped lunch.
  Repair Men: Eewwwww!!!!

• Hudson: We're doomed man! DOOOOOMED!!!!!.
  Other Repair Men, Sam and Max: HUDSON!!!

"The Second Show Ever" (1997)

• Sam: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
  Max: And that big cranky alien cranium heading straight for us.

• Sam: Look Lactose, we'd rather you didn't eradicate the whole human race.
  Max: Some of our closest friends claim to be human.

• Sam: Gee, we're not doing such a good job at saving humanity.
  Max: Maybe he'd thumb wrestle you for it.

"Max's Big Day" (1997)

• Max: Why would anybody want to wear a suit?
  Chimp (exposing his rear): Ever seen a chimp's rear end? It's not pretty.
  Max: Enough. Please! No! Show me no more! I can't take it. I... I... I... Hey, I can see my face in it.

• Sam: Well here we are, woefully lacking chutes and falling at one billion feet per second.
  Max: Is it my fault the restroom and cockpit doors are virtually identical?

• Sam: I'm fine, knucklehead! Much like the weasel utilizes its collapsable skull to fit through near impossible spaces, I have called upon a like ability to collapse all my bones and bulky organs in order to dupe these uncultured puppies into thinking they've rolled and pressed me into this unsettling garment, ha ha ha! Neat, huh?

• Guinea Pig Chieftain: Pardon my insolence, but no true Chosen One would turn down a gift from his people, especially one as nice as the hollowed out carcass of a close personal friend!

"Bad Day On The Moon" (1997)

• Sam: It was the stern guiding voice of the Commissioner with just the right kind of hair-raising case we can wrap our overactive adrenal glands around.
  Max: Are you talking dirty?

• Sam: Did you make sure to sew ID tags on all your underwear?
  Max: But I don't...
  Sam: Oh yeah... Me neither.

• Max: Hey, what happens when my paper bag runs out?
  Sam: Did you bring a spare?
  Max: I'm embarrassed by my lack of preparation. (Hanging his head) I'm a fool.

• Sam: It's a world of roach-like leviathans lumbering through a gargantuan city-scape.
  Max: Hehe, isn't it cute how they gather into social groups.

• Sam: A Moon-roach coffee shop. It's uncanny. Like some Earth-parallel development.
  Max: I never dreamed I'd live long enough for you to say 'Earth-parallel development' and mean it Sam.

• Sam: Ow. It feels like the convolutions of my brain are being analysed... I hate that.

• Sam: And it sure is nice to have you back in your plushy little carcass again Max. How do you feel buddy?
  Max: Not bad. Although I'm cranky and listless, I'm retaining water, and I keep spitting up sawdust.

• Sam: It's a plain old itty bitty Earth-roach and he's packing heat.
  Max: I don't like the look on his face. It's cold. Calculated. Almost inhuman!

• Sam: These bugs are worse than a three-headed monkey!

"Dysfunction Of The Gods" (1997)

• Sam (reading a sign): "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Souvlaki". Ahaha, that's funny.
  Max (wearing shoes and a shirt): At least pants are optional.

• Max: Now it's raining bison on Buffalo.
  Sam: That feels sort of right some how.

• Zeus: You see, it's not my fault my wife's a shrill harpy.
  Audience Member: As a harpy, I feel devalued by your derogatory usage of the term!

• Max (to Eros sitting in the audience armed with a rubber-bow): Perpetrator is armed and dangerous. DROP IT CUPID! DROP THE WEAPON!

• Sam: Holy Hannah hold the phone. I'm young again!
  Max: And I'm a less inviting target for roosting pigeons!

"They Came From Down There" (1997)

• Sam (hanging up the phone): That was you know who, Max.
  Max: Our cantankerous man servant?

• (in a sewer)
  Max: "Look, Sam, baby alligators!"
  Sam: "Well they're buoyant and log-shaped, but they're hardly alligators."
  Max: "I don't feel so good."

• Sam: Curious... What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation in the populace? War? Famine? Rampant cannibalism?
  Max (getting excited): Cannibalism! I vote cannibalism!

• Max: (top of his head has just been twisted off) Amazing! I had no idea my skull was threaded for easy access!
  Sam: Quick, press down on the medulla oblongata! Five bucks says he smells burnt toast!

"Big Trouble At The Earth's Core" (1997)

• Sam: Here's what we've got to go on. It's an unidentifiable life form, offensive in both appearance and smell, and it's been in the back of the fridge since we moved in.
  Max: It's either some kind of spreadable meat byproduct or nesting hamsters.
  Sam: It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws ya.

• Max: Woahee, the world truly is a carousel of color.
  Sam: There's drama and mirth in old mother Earth.
  Max: And all of her secretions you see.

• Sam: Looky there Max, it's a horde of murderous inner-dwellers.
  Max: When there are five or more, the correct term is a clot.

• Sam: You wouldn't have anything tucked away for putting smoky holes in things would ya?
  Max: Just minty toothpicks.

• Max: Actually, I'm deathly afraid of seeing them kiss. Ew, they're at it! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!!

• Sam (sniffing elevator): What's that smell? Oh Max.

"A Glitch In Time" (1997)

• Sam: It's time we taught this ornery critter it's proper place in the food chain Max.
  Max: I like 'em deep fried with lemon.

• Max: For Pete's sake, I spit my bad breath at thee!

• Max: We return victorious! Proud with the scars of battle! Haha. It looks like I'm wearing polka dot jammies.

• Sam: This sure stirs up a few long suppressed memories.
  Max: And explains all those sticky nightmares I have about possessed vermin headwear.

• Sam: Then one day, something happened. I ate a bad head-cheese sandwich and wandered off in an hallucinogenic daze. I came-to 15 years later in a remote Tibetan monastery. I had attained higher consciousness, but still, I always felt there was something missing... Besides shorts.

• Max: A rogue octopus? It's déjà vu all over again. Let's roll!

"That Darn Gator" (1997)

• Sam: We were doing a little light housekeeping down in the Sub-basement of Solitude, when after a mishap or two with the work-vac, Max accidently sucked something up out of the porcelain hobby horse.

• Max: I'll name him John, since that's where we found him.

• Max: Sam, can you give me a hand in here. It's time for another diaper change.
  Sam walks in and spins Max around, changing his diaper in a flurry.
  Sam: Boy, I don't know what we'd do without these things.
  Max: Me neither. I barely have time to stink, let alone tend to my own needs.

• Sam: What's the matter little fellow? Are you bored? Are you sleepy?
  Max: Are you sensing my desire to turn you into a quiet little handbag!

• Sam: Maybe it's too hot.
  Sam pours a little of the drink onto Max's outstretched arm.
  Max: Hmm, there is a slight burning sensation.
  Sam: That's just the venom.

• Sam: That's it Max. That's the answer. He'll only eat things off your finger.
  Max: Like the first three layers of skin.

• Max: Well that's the last of it.
  Sam: Not quite, there's still some bean-dip.
  Max: I mean the sensation in my arm.

• Max: Over the next few months John and I cavorted and frolicked and gambled as only an alligator and his surrogate mother, who also happens to be a biped rabbity thing, could.

• Sam: What was once a cute cartoony-lizard-baby wriggling around on the rug, was now a full grown, ten foot, foul-tempered, primeval killing machine.
  Max: And we loved him so.

• Geek: My hamsters are missing.
  Max (in reflection): All eyes turned to John, but of course she had no proof.

"We Drop At Dawn" (1997)

• Max: What? No concealable weaponry, road flares or black capsules? What if we get captured?
  Sam: Haha. You kill me little buddy.
  Max: Only if we're taken alive Sam.

• Sam: Oops, sorry there little buddy. Didn't see you down there.
  Max (getting up): Think nothing of it Sam. Luckily I was still numb from having that mossy obelisk break my fall... and my hip... and four of my ribs.

• Sam: Sister Mary Frances in low heels walking away.
  Max: It's a phone booth Sam. And look there, a fire hydrant, and a park bench. WE'RE SURROUNDED!

• Sam & Max: EXECUTIVE BATHROOM??! *runs up flight of stairs with Commissioner's keys*
• Sam: After all that excitement, I could really go for a 14-dollar bottle of cashews!
• Max: And I just gotta go!

"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (1998)

• Max: Nice wedding so far.
  Sam: I think the Commissioner would support our decision to employ rubber ammo and tear gas at this point. He wouldn't want this to get out of hand.
  Max: After all, it is his daughter's wedding.

• Tobogganing down a mountain whilst being shot at by evil minions.
  Max: They're pretty strict about the speed limit around here.
  Sam: Beautiful country though isn't it.

• Sam: [to Max] Does she really expect us to sit through this?
  Larvo: I don't expect you to sit through anything, Sam and Max. I expect you to fry!
  (This is a reference to Goldfinger)

"The Tell Tale Tail" (1998)

• Max: STOP, THIEF!
  Sam: You know that never works, Max.
  Max: Yes, but it's such a wonderful prelude to the impending mayhem.

• Max: I think those poor folks are forever scarred, Sam.
  Sam: Then our work is done here, Max.

"The Trouble With Gary" (1998)

• Max: Tell me what the Commissioner said again Sam, go on tell me, tell me what he said.
  Sam: He said in so many four letter words it promises to be our most bizarre, unsettling and gut wrenching assignment to date.

• Sam: We're heading for the Rhombus, Max. A super-secret military enclave who's existence the Government completely denies. Most likely 'cause they feel stupid saying Rhombus.
  Max: How about enclave?
  Sam: Hey, good point.

• Max: Look Sam, scientists running in packs. I had no idea nerds were herding animals.

• Female Scientist: You must never speak of it outside these walls. Can we have your word?
  Max: Sure. Except my word is unctuous so you won't get to use it very often.

• Female Scientist: We believe that if harnessed this force of nature could become a valuable weapon in our government's immense military arsenal.
  Max: Immense arsenal, that's funny.
  Sam: What? Does my arsenal look big in these pants.

• Male Scientist: Gary has the power to physically alter his surroundings with his mind.
  Max: Hey Gary, turn me into a painted turtle, I want to be a painted turtle.

• Max (talking about a bear): Ah, poor little paranormal critter. If it didn't slash us to bits I was going to name it Tippy.

• Gary: You've made me very angry. This is what I think you are.
  Turns Sam into a stuffed cow.
  Max: Ah! How could you! I asked if I could be a painted turtle and I was completely ignored!!

"The Invaders" (1998)

• Sam: Looks like we'll have to ammend the report to include a close encounter with some ornery stumpies. That's tech talk for height deficient ET's.
  Max: All that physical exertion has caused me to work up a froth. I'm gonna go catch a vertical squirt bath... That's tech talk for shower.

• Sam: Looks like we have a secret admirer.
  Max: Maybe its a willowy goddess with a stalker-like infatuation for freelance lawmen.

• Max: Foolish aliens! Your puny weapons are no match for our superior attitude!

• Sam (looking at the invaders): They're like a pair of shiny industrious doorknobs.

• Max: Next time, longer fuse.

• Max: The simulated 3D carnage makes me tingle like a prom queen.

• Sam: I just hope the kids at home weren't emotionally scarred from witnessing what appeared to be our horrifyingly graphic demise.
  Max: Me too. We'll need their keisters parked at the tube in time for our next episode.
  Sam: Aww, you old softy.

"Sam & Max Vs. The Uglions" (1998)

• Geek: Quick we gotta locate Colonel Corn the base commander. Split up.
  Max: Colonel Corn.
  Sam: I'm sure he'll be all ears.

• Max: Defeated after all man's devices and defences had failed. By the humblest things that God in his wisdom has put upon this earth.
  Geek: Sam and Max Freelance police, right?
  Max: No. Zits. Pay attention.

"Little Bigfoot" (1998)

• Sam and Max scream.
  Sam: If I didn't see it with my own eyes I never would have believed it. Who'd have guessed one whimpy bolt was holding up five tonnes of colourful roadside Americana.
  Max: I was right. You owe me one dino-boogey-snowglobe full of primordial dandruff.
  Sam: A deals a deal. Smile for the birdie.

• Sam pinches Max's straw.
  Max: Thanks Sam, I couldn't help myself. There was more. There's always a tiny speck more!

• Max sniffs Little Bigfoot.
  Max: He doesn't smell so bad. Sort of like a wet puppy.
  Sam: Sorry, that's me. These hip-waders haven't drained from our last trip.

• Sam: I'm a little insulted he didn't pick us out of this gaggle.
  Max: I'm a little disappointed we don't actually get to eat this way.

• Sam and Little Bigfoot start screaming.
  Max: There's a truck coming.
  Their car careens off a cliff.
  Max: Lot of cliffs around here.

• Max: Pull over, you large boned citizen. Cooperate and you'll be slapped around without incident.

• Max: Now I get it. It's a band of super intelligent circus apes quietly undermining our Utopian society. Freeze circus apes!
  Sam: Ah, they're bigfoots, Max.
  Max: My gosh, you're right. It's obvious from their glaring lack of unicycles.

• Sam: They're rejecting him. Maybe he smells too human. Max, come here a minute, and bring your armpit.

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