Spaceballs

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Spaceballs is a 1987 science fiction spoof in which Planet Spaceball's President Skroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal Planet Druidia's abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them.

Directed by Mel Brooks. Written by Mel Brooks, Thomas Meehan, and Ronny Graham.

May the schwartz be with you.Taglines</center>

Contents

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Dark Helmet

  • (Imitation of Darth Vader's mechanical, raspy breathing, followed by the sudden flipping up of a visor) I can't breathe in this thing!
  • Now you see, Lone Starr, that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
  • YOGURT! YOGURT! I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries.
  • I see that your schwartz is as big as mine.
  • What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?!
  • (feeling the force of going in Ludicrous Speed) My brains are going into my feet!
  • Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
  • (As Dr. Schlotkins and his nurse leaves) I'll bet she gives great helmet.
  • (In orbit over Druidia) Commence operation (pause) Vacuu...suck.
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President Skroob

  • (running to bridge) The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie'll be over.
  • Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!
  • (after being beamed to another part of the ship. President Skroob's head is on his body backwards. Parting his shirt tails-) Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big?!
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Lone Starr

  • (upon seeing Vespa for the first time) From now on, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!
  • Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
  • (waking up on the Tatooine-like moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks) ...When did we get to Disneyland?
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Barf

  • Listen, it's not that we're afraid, your majesty. Far from it. It's just that we've got this thing with death; it's not us.
  • I'm a Mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
  • (After Vespa blows away a number of Spaceballs) Holy shit!
  • (Trying to get up with his seatbelt still on) Ooh! That's going to leave a mark.
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Others

  • King Roland: Please save my daughter! (pause) And if it's at all possible, try and save the car.
  • Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding ceremony here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
  • Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: (watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air) SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!
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Dialogue

Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: (to audience) Everybody got that?
Lone Starr: Yogurt. What do you do here, anyway?
Yogurt: Merchandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Come on, I'll show you. (to the Dinks) Open up the shop, boys! We've got customers! (walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise) Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! (shows off the products) Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book, Spaceballs: the breakfast cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower...
Dinks: Oooooohhhh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the doll, me. (squeezes doll, the doll says "May the Schwartz be with you!") Adorable.
Lone Starr: I wonder: Will we ever see each other again?
Yoghurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
Lone Starr: Oh, great, that's just what we needed: a Druish princess!
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Lone Starr: We're not just doing this for money! (Barf looks over, confused) We're doing it for a shitload of money!
Dark Helmet: No! We can't go in there! Yogurt has the Schwartz! It's far too powerful!
Sandurz: But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.
Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[A shot across the bow went across the windscreen]
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it.
Gunner (clearly crosseyed): Sorry, sir, doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major (also crosseyed): I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
[Entire bridge crew except for one person on the left side of the screen stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!
Dark Helmet: I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that!
Sandurz: Of course, I do.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that!
Crewmen (covering their crotches): Of course, we do, sir!
Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No no no no, light speed is too slow.
Sandurz: Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to... ludicrous speed!
(entire crew gasps)
Sandurz: Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?
Sandurz: Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me a videotape of Spaceballs: the Movie. [Corporal goes off to Mr. Rental]
Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? (throws facemask up) How can there be a videotape of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Sandurz: Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video technology.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Dark Helmet (in disbelief): Nah.
Corporal: Here it is sir! Spaceballs!
Sandurz: Very good, now put it in the machine. (FBI Warning is on TV screen) Much too early, prepare to fast forward.
Corporal: Preparing to fast forward.
Sandurz: Fast forward!
Corporal: Fast forwarding, sir!
(Early parts of movie run by at accelerated pace. Movie reaches Ludicrous Speed scene and reaches point where Dark Helmet flies into controls.)
Dark Helmet: No no, go past-past this part. In fact, never play it again.
(Static is on screen)
Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
(Tape plays to current moment in movie. <ref name="video">Think about what happens if you take a video recorder and film the TV where the images are being shown at that moment.</ref> Sandurz and Dark Helmet alternate between watching the screen and watching the camera, with Dark Helmet waving his hand slowly.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Sandurz: Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that's happening now is happening now. (points to screen)
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Sandurz: Just now. You're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Sandurz: We can't.
Dark Helmet: Why not?
Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
(Corporal rewinds tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.)
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have uncovered their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega.
Sandurz: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet (Increasingly flustered) When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours.
Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: WHO?!! (facemask drops down)
Crewman (muffled voice): Sir!
Sandurz: What is it?
Crewman (muffled voice): Could I talk to you for a minute please, sir.
Sandurz (walks over to crewman): What is it?
Crewman (muffled voice): I'm havin' trouble with the radar, sir.
Sandurz (puts microphone away): You don't need that private, we're right here.
Crewman (muffled voice): I'm havin' trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet (Throws the microphone away): Now what is it?!
Crewman: I'm havin' trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: Whats wrong with it?
Crewman: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Crewman: You know, the bleeps (imitatates bleeping sound of radar), the sweeps (swings head to flop lips), and the creeps (imitates several beeping sounds)
Dark Helmet (speaking quietly to Sandurz): Thats not all he's lost.
Crewman (watching jam move down the radar screen): Sir, the radar! It appears to be...
Colonel Sandurz: Jammed!
Dark Helmet: Oh... Jammed. (moves finger across screen to get jam) (tastes jam) Raspberry! There is only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (shuts helmet) Lone Starr! (camera moves in and collides with his helmet)
Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet (to Sandurz): The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.
Computer: This is your last chance to hit the cancellation button.
Skroob: Cancellation button? Hurry!
(Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz run down from the upper bridge to the lower)
Dark Helmet: Where is it? Where is it?
Sandurz: It's gotta be here!
(They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it)
Dark Helmet: "Out of order!?" Fuck, even in the future nothing works!
Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. <ref name="cousin">Saying that in another way, Dark Helmet is the former roommate of Lone Starr's second cousin. He could be Lone Starr's former roommate as well, but that's unlikely.</ref>
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing — which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.
Lone Starr: That was pretty good!
Barf: ... for a girl.
Dot Matrix: That was pretty good for Rambo!
Priest: Who are you???
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Bartholomew.
Priest: You the one getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then sit down!
(Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert)
Lone Starr: Water... water...
Barf (Pants with tongue hanging out of his mouth)
Dot Matrix: Oil... oil...
Vespa: Room service... room service...
Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. (Lifts helmet) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Skroob: (Walking in) What's the combination?
Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
Skroob: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
(Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look)
Skroob: Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Sandurz: Yes sir.
(All three begin walking out)
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!
(Door closes on Dark Helmet as he walks through, with his helmet jamming him between the sides.)
Dark Helmet: (mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess Vespa. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to. (Camera pans to reveal that Dark Helmet is playing with Spaceballs dolls)
(imitating Vespa) No. No, please, leave me alone.
(mask down voice) No you are mine.
(imitating Lone Starr) Not so fast, Helmet.
(mask down voice) Lone Starr.
(imitating Lone Starr) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
(mask down voice) Now you are going to die.
(imitating Lone Starr) Oh, oh, ohhhh.
(imitating Barf) Hey, what did you do to my friend?
(mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy.
(imitating Barf) Oh, ohhh.
(mask down voice) And you too.
(imitating Dot) Oh, ohh.
(mask down voice) Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
(imitating Vespa) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive.
(mask down voice) Of course you do. Druish princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it.
(imitating Vespa) No, leave me alone.
(mask down voice) No, kiss me.
(imitating Vespa) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is so big.
(Sandurz opens the door behind him.)
Sandurz: Lord Helmet.
Dark Helmet: (holds all the dolls out of Sandurz's sight) What?
Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Don't you people know how to knock?
Sandurz: Sorry, sir.
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Sandurz: No, sir. I did not see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: (pauses) Good.
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Notes

<references/>

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Taglines

  • May the schwartz be with you.
  • Once upon a time warp in deep space, the struggle between the nice & the rotten goes on...
  • Revenge of the Schtick
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Cast

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External links

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