Takeshi's Castle

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UK Version (Craig Charles quotes)

  • "Our man with the tan, the ladies' favourite, General Lee, psyches up his one hundred kamikaze cousins..."
  • "What a wazzock!"
  • "He's a Happy Clappy Jappy Chappy."
  • "New ribs/teeth/spine/balls/etc., please!"
  • "Protect your love spuds/gunnels/Ted Evans/happy sacks/etc.!"
  • "No winners this time on Takeshi's Castle!"
  • "Don't let the guards penetrate the ring on your shiny red helmet!"
  • "Specially shipped in from a pig farm in southern Japan."
  • "Answers on a postcard, please!" (usually said after a nonsensical question, such as "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to?")
  • "Ouch! Someone call the air ambulance."
  • "Back to the happy farm/matron/rubber room with the warm biscuits/lemon curd sandwiches/lovely little white jacket that ties behind."
  • "Shut up, commentator!" (usually said when he makes fun of a contestant, but they then go on to complete the game, or when he says a contestant's doing well, and then they fail)
  • "The Emerald Guard - elite troops: Highly trained, highly accurate, (highly cold, highly sprung, etc.) Haile Selassie."
  • "I never thought I'd say this/that on the television..."
  • "I'm innumerate, me. I can spell that, I just can't tell you how many letters are in it..." (Normally said during Show of Hands)
  • "Looks a bit like Elton John's coffee table, circa 1975."
  • "I've walked on water before. I just made sure that the temperature was well below freezing before I ventured out onto the pond..."
  • "I once did a gig for Save the Whales, did alright, must have saved loads of them. Then I got mugged in Camden, and not one of them turned up to help!" (Usually said during Ride The Wave.)
  • "The Japanese love their whales of course. Especially as a starter..." (Normally said during Ride the Wave)
  • "The bridge is very wobbly, much like the Millennium Bridge in London" (Describing Bridge Ball)
  • "This game is all a load of plums!" (Describing Blueberry Hill)
  • "It's the SAS assault course, that even the SAS refuse to do!" (Describing The Gauntlet)
  • "During course of the series we've had 20 broken legs, 35 broken arms, 127 broken ribs and 1568 missing teeth" (Numbers may differ. Said during Skipping Stones)
  • "It's the best of the west taking on the beasts from the east!" (said about anyone that's white or doesn't look Japanese)
  • "Here they come, out of the pipe, and into the car park!" (Said as the contestants take their positions for the Final Showdown)
  • "I'm sure there'll be a winner next time!"
  • "There's a shot for the director!" (said for any shot that shows women in a risqué or slightly pervy way)
  • "I actually have no idea what's going on..."
  • "That looks like something Marks made when Spencer wasn't looking!" (when describing some contestants' rather terrible outfits)
  • "If I was playing this game, I'd turn up in plain normal clothes, carrying a girl on my back. I'd be a tortoise, she'd be Michelle."
  • "This is the ultimate shin shredder!" (Describing Skipping Stones, often expanded to jaw breaker, rib cracker, teeth snapper, love spud peeler, etc)
  • "Buy everything you see in the next two minutes!"
  • "If you know what's good for you, then just buy it!"
  • "As a famous person once said, I'm, er, black!"
  • "Big, black balls bouncing off his backside"
  • "He's in the drink!" (Said when any contestant falls into water)
  • "He's penetrated his own ring!"

"As my old dad used to say..."

In most episodes of the UK version, Craig says some strange phrase beginning with the words "As my old dad used to say...".

  • "Have you done your homework?"
  • "Have you washed your hands?"
  • "Who are you?"
  • "Do I know you?"
  • "Don't let your mother see you doin' that!"
  • "I don't care whose it was, just clean it up before your mother gets home!"
  • "Son, are you gay?"
  • "Let me slip into something more comfortable, and we'll talk about Subbuteo!"
  • "Right! You stand there, don't move, I'm gonna start up the car!"
  • "Put that down! It's your sister's!"
  • "Put that down, it's not yours!"
  • "Don't wear those, they're your mother's!"
  • "If I give you extra pocket money, will you promise not to tell your mam?"
  • "How many times have I told you to knock?"
  • "Just go in the sea! No-one will ever know!"
  • "They don't like it up 'em!"
  • "Hamsters eat their young, you know!"
  • "If it doesn't fit, spit on it and try again!"
  • "If you dig it in the spring, it'll be out of fashion by winter!"
  • "If I wasn't here, I'd be somewhere else!"
  • "Put it in the bank and you can withdraw it later!" (But we didn't have any money!)
  • "Which one are you again?"
  • "You look after the twins, I'm gonna nip out for a swiftie!"
  • "I quite fancy your girlfriend!"
  • "Brr! Cold, innit?"
  • "That was your fault!"
  • "Hold this!"
  • "Show us your best bits!"
  • "Eggs and promises... often broken!"
  • "Even monkeys fall from trees!"
  • "In the '60's, that Dolly Parton had a lovely pair of hits! 'I Will Always Love You', and... I can't remember the other one!"
  • "I'm sure you're not mine!"
  • "It only started out as a boil on my bum!"
  • "Pick the bones out of that!"
  • "Son, wipe up when you're done!"
  • "Shut it!"
  • "We're not going on no bloomin' game show!"
  • "I used to pray for a girl, but then your mother came along!"
  • "Well, it tasted like a prawn!"
  • "What's your name again?"
  • "That wasn't mine, but whoever it was, better see a doctor!"
  • "Earthquakes, thunders, fires, fathers."
  • "You can't stop there. I was just getting into that!"
  • "Shut up and sit there!"
  • "I've just let one go!"
  • "It takes two to lie: one to lie, and one to listen!"
  • "Never go above 40 watts for a table lamp!"
  • "Oh, shut up!"
  • "Son, you get the potatoes, I'll get the refrigerator, and we'll meet in the middle!"
  • "You get the Brasso, I'll take off me leg!"
  • "You go and get the Black & Decker, I'm gonna go and pay off the nun!"
  • "You put the kettle on, I'm gonna slip into me Batman costume."
  • "You clean up the mayonnaise, and I'll slip into me Spider-man costume!"
  • "You get the foot pump, I'm gonna try and find a plaster!"
  • "You get the pineapple yogurt, I'm gonna go see the headmaster!"
  • "You finish off the baked beans, I'll go and stick this in the hot press!"
  • "A frog's baby... is a frog!"

And some variations...

  • As I used to say to my old dad, "I thought it was a tadpole!"
  • As my old dad used to say to my mum, "I always preferred your sister!"
  • As my old dad used to say to my mum, "Can I butter your muffin?"
  • "Sing if you're happy to be gay", as my old dad used to say! Eh?
  • As my old mum used to say, "It's not big and it's not funny!"


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