The Muppet Show
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The Muppet Show starred puppets called the the Muppets.
Waldorf & Statler
[After Gonzo is crushed by a 5000pound weight when his act goes wrong]
Waldorf: He says it went terrific but I know how he really feels.
Staler: How's that?
Waldorf: About so high! [shows how tall Gonzo now is, both start laughing]
Bunsen Honeydew
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And what a sad day it is too, for Beaker, my fickle and wayward assistant, has gone missing. -- The Muppet Show with Mac Davis, 1980.
- Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement. - Peter Seller episode, 1977
Tales of the Tinkerdee (1962)
- King Goshposh: Don't oops at me, I'm in no mood to be oopsed at!
Season 1 (1976-1977)
EPISODE 101: JULIET PROWSE
Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
[Statler's cigar explodes.]
Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.
EPISODE 102: CONNIE STEVENS
Bert: Ernie... did I make a complete fool or myself?
Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.
EPISODE 103: JOEL GREY
Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie: That was my wife!
EPISODE 104: RUTH BUZZI
Robot Kermit: Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some steam heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunnny? Why, uh...
Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog, and a pig. And, we can have bouncing baby figs!
EPISODE 105: RITA MORENO
Dancer: I hear you come from a broken home.
Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!
EPISODE 106: JIM NABORS
Kermit: Your salary is 20 a week.
Scooter: Could you make it 25?
Kermit: Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
EPISODE 107: FLORENCE HENDERSON
Kermit: Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.
EPISODE 108: PAUL WILLIAMS
Janice: That man is annnoying me.
Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
Janice: I know, that's what's annoying me.
EPISODE 109: CHARLES AZNAVOUR
Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
Gonzo: What, would I do with your ear?
Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressons.
EPISODE 110: HARVEY KORMAN
Harvey Korman [as Maurice the Magnificent]: Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.
EPISODE 111: LENA HORNE
Kermit: Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
Miss Piggy: Hurt? I'll show you hurt, Kermie!
EPISODE 112: PETER USTINOV
Kermit: Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry, about the head.
EPISODE 113: BRUCE FORSYTHE
Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!
Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers, funnier than that!
EPISODE 114: SANDY DUNCAN
Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
Kermit: You pay him by the line?
Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.
EPISODE 115: CANDICE BERGEN
Miss Piggy: Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
Kermit: Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.
EPISODE 116: AVERY SCHREIBER
BUNSEN: Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
EPISODE 117: BEN VEREEN
Nurse Piggy: It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
Doctor Bob: Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
EPISODE 118: PHYLLIS DILLER
Rowlf the Dog: You think, that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!
EPISODE 119: VINCENT PRICE
Sam: If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things, going on tonight.
EPISODE 120: VALERIE HARPER
Kermit: That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?
EPISODE 121: TWIGGY
Scooter: I-I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
Hilda: That was me, clown! And, I was hanging up the wardrobe.
EPISODE 122: ETHEL MERMAN
Miss Piggy: [giving Ethel roses] Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
Ethel: Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?"
EPISODE 123: KAYE BALLARD
Floyd: Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here...if I can write the new theme song.
Kermit: Oh, that will be fine with me.
Floyd: No, it won't, man.
Kermit: Why, not?
Floyd: You will hate the music! You would not understand it. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it. If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I wrote.
EPISODE 124: THE MUMMENSCHANZ
Gonzo: Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams!
Gonzo: Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
Miss Piggy: Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard, HAI-YA!
Season 2 (1977-1978)
EPISODE 201: DON KNOTTS
Statler: I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
Statler: The seats face the stage!
EPISODE 202: ZERO MOSTEL
Zero: I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!
EPISODE 203: MILTON BERLE
Scooter: Oh, what's this?
Fozzie: [in disguise] What does it look it like, small boy I have never seen before?
EPISODE 204: RICH LITTLE
Kermit: A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never head of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
Gonzo: How about a talking frog?
EPISODE 205: JUDY COLLINS
J.P. [on the phone]: Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.
EPISODE 206: NANCY WALKER
Gonzo: Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
Fozzie: I don't know, what's on stage now?
Gonzo: Nothing.
Fozzie: NOTHING'S ON STAGE?
EPISODE 207: EDGAR BERGEN
Kermit: You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.
EPISODE 208: STEVE MARTIN
Kermit: Listen, it's very healthy, to see what other people in fields, are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
Fozzie: Yeah.
Kermit: Hey, Scooter, what's next?
Scooter: Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
Kermit: What the hey?
EPISODE 209: MADELINE KAHN
Gonzo: Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... [sniffs] and she's intellient... [sniffs] and talented...
EPISODE 210: GEORGE BURNS
Kermit: I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
Fleet: What a headline! Muppets' Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
Kermit: Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
Fleet: What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppets Desperate For Publicity!
EPISODE 211: DOM DeLUISE
Kermit: I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...
EPISODE 212: BERNADETTE PETERS
Statler: [after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
Waldorf: Really? I kind of liked it.
Statler: Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!
EPISODE 213: RUDOLPH NUREVEYE
Dr. Teeth: Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
Floyd: Minuet in G Major.
Dr. Teeth: Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.
EPISODE 214: ELTON JOHN
Link: At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
Piggy: You, and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
EPISODE 215: LOU RAWLS
Floyd: Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
Lou: Why not, man? The cat is good.
Floyd: No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!
EPISODE 216: CLEO LAINE
Link: First Mate Miss Piggy.
Fozzie: Er, yes, sir!
Link: Did you shave this morning?
EPISODE 217: JULIE ANDREWS
Gonzo: [to the cow] Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!
EISODE 218: JAYE P. MORGAN
Kermit: I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
Jaye P: Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.
EPISODE 219: PETER SELLERS
Fozzie: Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.
Kermit: What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.
Fozzie: Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday... the duck hunting seasons began.
EPISODE 220: PETULA CLARK
Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now, to the Alps, for the latter.
EPISODE 221: BOB HOPE
Gonzo: Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?
EPISODE 222: TERESA BREWER
First Mate Piggy: All right, that does it. I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
Capt. Link: Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in the endless space!
Piggy: This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds, the frog wrote it!
EPISODE 223: JOHN CLEESE
Parrot: You don't love me any more.
John: Of course I love you. I'm working now!
Parrot: And you're making a lousy job of it.
John: [pulling a gun] You want to be an ex-parrot?
EPISODE 224: CLORIS LEACHMAN
Cloris: All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say, will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
Kermit the Pig: Ribiit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
Cloris: Oh, Kermit, it is you!
Season 3 (1978-1979)
EPISODE 301: KRIS KRISTOFFERSON & RITA COOLIDGE
Gonzo: What's the soup dujour?
Gladys: Same as yesterday.
Gonzo: Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
Gladys: How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
Gonzo: I want the chicken for company!
EPISODE 302: LEO SAYER
Annie Sue: [to Miss Piggy] I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?
EPISODE 303: ROY CLARK
Kermit: What's all this smoke?
Fozzie: Uh... that is not smoke.
Kermit: It is not smoke? Then what is it?
Fozzie: It's jet exhaust.
Kermit: Jet exhaust?
Fozzie: Oh, look out! Here comes another one!
EPISODE 304: GILDA RADNER
Gilda: [to Bunsen] Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.
EPISODE 305: PEARL BAILEY
Janice: I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
Kermit: Well, it's just a regular backstage space.
EPISODE 306: JEAN STAPLETON
Jean: It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
Kermit: What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob.
Jean: Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.
EPISODE 307: ALICE COOPER
Kermit: Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show!
EPISODE 308: LORETTA LYNN
Kermit: Gonzo, I should never have you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
Gonzo: But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.
EPISODE 309: LIBERACE
Door Guard: Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
Gonzo: Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
Guard: He's only seeing birds.
Gonzo: I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
Guard: You are not a real turkey.
Gonzo: Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?
EPISODE 310: MARIA BERENSON
Kermit: I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Well.. you only have one line.
Kermit: I do?
Miss Piggy: Exactly.
EPISODE 311: RAQUEL WELCH
Fozzie: You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
Floyd: Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]
EPISODE 312: JAMES COCO
Miss Piggy: You know, I really like the water.
Kermit: Oh, I am glad.
Miss Piggy: Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.
EPISODE 313: HELEN REDDY
Kermit: Hey Bo, I've got a job for you!
Bo: Oh, good.
Kermit: Yeah. Just look at this mess.
Bo: Okay, that sounds easy enough.
EPISODE 314: HARRY BELAFONTE
Fozzie: [handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys,-here is the musical moment for this week.
Rowlf: Uh... [reading]curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
Fozzie: Go get them!
Kermit: And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
Fozzie: Trust me.
EPISODE 315: LESLEY ANN WAREN
Lesley: You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
Kermit: Me, not crazy? I hired the others.
EPISODE 316: DANNY KAYE
Episodes 317 - 524 (Seasons 3-5: 1979-1981)
..
Later Seasons
EPISODE 516: GLADYS KNIGHT
Sacarogi: When you've been dead for 4,000 years, you're glad to see ANYBODY!
_____
Copyright 1976 ITC Coproration. Copyright 1976 Jim Henson's Muppets, And Jim Henson Productions, Inc.
