The 40-Year-Old Virgin

From BillionQuotes

(Redirected from The 40 Year-Old Virgin)
Jump to: navigation, search
  • Andy: I’m a virgin. I always have been.
  • Cal: You've gotta wait ’till the seed grows into a plant. Then you fuck the plant.
  • Andy: I hope you have a big trunk, cause I'm gonna put my bike in it.

Quotes

[David and Cal Playing a video Game]

Cal: You're gay now?
David: No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
Cal: That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: Oh, I'm gay for saying that.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

[Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage]

Cal: Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?

[David loses second match; screen cuts to video game footage]

David: Goddammit!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And *now* I'm throwing it at your body.
Cal: [shouts] Fuck you!
David: Aww.

David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Your dick tastes like shit.

[Mooj has found out Andy is a virgin; extended DVD version]

Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah... What are you, 25?
Andy: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit man, you gotta get on that... Life isn't about sex. Life is about children and passion... and spirit!
Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
Mooj: It's not about fucking and balls and pussy. It's about love.
Andy: {sighs}
Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
Andy: (nodding) It's all about connections.
Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about cock and ass and tits.
Andy: (uncomfortable) Hm-hmm.
Mooj: And butthole pleasures.
Andy: It's not about butthole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide... and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the Hot Karl and pearl necklace... or pussy juice cocktails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
Andy: (scared) Ok... I, y'know- double... pussies and...
Mooj: Shit stained balls, and cum swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator fuckhouse, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging-
Andy: Mooj, just please stop.

[Cal walks through into Andy's house]

Cal: You've got more games than a teenage Asian kid.

[Cal and Andy are looking at a girl who works in a bookstore's buttocks]

Andy: There's something wrong with her underwear...
Cal: Yea, they are not in my mouth.

[Andy riding his bike to work in anger]

Andy: I may not have sex but I'll F*ck you up!

[While Jay and the Customer are arguing.]

Haziz: Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by.

[While Andy is getting his chest waxed]

(gets waxed over his nipple)
Andy: Hold my hand man.
Cal: What? No...
Andy: Hold my fucking hand!
(RIIIP!)
Andy: Nipple fuck!
Andy: OW! Kelly Clarkson!

External links

Personal tools