Ambrose Bierce

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Ambrose Bierce (born 24 June 1842 – date of death uncertain; probably December 1913 or early 1914) American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist. He is perhaps most famous for his serialized mock lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary, in which, over the years, he scathed American culture and accepted wisdom by pointing out alternate, more practical definitions for common words.

1 Sourced
- 1.1 The Devil's Dictionary
- 1.2 Epigrams
2 Attributed
3 External links

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Sourced

Mark how my fame rings out from zone to zone:
A thousand critics shouting: "He's unknown!"
- Couplet

Peyton Fahrquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge.
- An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge

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The Devil's Dictionary

First published in book form as The Cynic's Word Book (1906)

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.

Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Accord, n. Harmony.

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Advice, n. The smallest current coin.

Alone, adj. In bad company.

Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.

Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think we think.

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with new ones.

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Custard, n. A vile concoction produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

Dawn, n. When men of reason go to bed.

Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Guilt, n. The condition of one who is known to have committed an indiscretion, as distinguished from the state of him who has covered his tracks.

Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

Hers, pron. His.

Immortality, n.
A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for.

Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

Joy, n. An emotion variously excited, but in its highest degree arising from the contemplation of grief in another.

Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen [sic] in America and Americans in Scotland.

Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.

Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent [sic] only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants [sic] from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.

Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.

Ocean, n. A body of water covering seven-tenths of a world designed for Man - who has no gills.

Once, adj. Enough.

Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Goverment from running amuck by hamstringing it.

Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of

principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Quack, n. A murderer without a license.

Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

Resign, v. A good thing to do when you are going to be kicked out.

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

Twice, adv. Once too often.

Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.

White, adj. and n. Black.

Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

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Epigrams

Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.

Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.

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Attributed

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum.
- Translation: I think [that] I think, therefore, I think [that] I am.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.

Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.

The covers of this book are too far apart.
- From an editorial book review.

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

The ineffable dunce has nothing to say … embroidering it with reasonless vulgarities of attitudes, gestures and attire. There was never an impostor so hateful … a crank so variously stupid and dull. He makes me tired.
- On Oscar Wilde