Ultimate Spider-Man

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Ultimate Spider-Man (2000-present) is a superhero comic book series published by Marvel Comics. The series is a modernized reimagining of the long-running marvel comic Spider-Man. It is set outside of the Marvel Universe continuity in the Ultimate Marvel Universe.

Contents 1 Power and Responsibility 1.1 Issue 1 1.2 Issue 3 1.3 Issue 4 2 Learning Curve 2.1 Issue 8 2.2 Issue 9 2.3 Issue 10 2.4 Issue 13 3 Double Trouble 3.1 Issue 15 3.2 Issue 18 3.3 Issue 20 4 Legacy 4.1 Issue 22 4.2 Issue 24 5 Public Scrutiny 5.1 Issue 32 6 Venom 7 Irresponsible 7.1 Issue 40 7.2 Issue 43 7.3 Issue 44 8 Cats and Kings 8.1 Issue 50 9 Hollywood 9.1 Issue 54 9.2 Issue 55 9.3 Issue 58 9.4 Issue 59 10 Carnage 10.1 Issue 60 10.2 Issue 62 11 Superstars 11.1 Issue 67 12 Hobgoblin 12.1 Issue 78 13 Warriors 13.1 Issue 80 13.2 Issue 81 13.3 Issue 84 13.4 Issue 85 14 Silver Sable 14.1 Issue 87 15 Ultimate Spider-Man Annual #1

Power and Responsibility

Issue 1

Norman Osborn: You a fan of Greek mythology, Justin? Ever hear the myth of Arachne?

[The first words of the Ultimate Spider-Man comic.]

Peter Parker: Sodium carbonate... that is such an odd choice. I wonder if... that is a bold compound -- AHH! (French fries fly in his face)

[Spider-Man's first words in the Ultimate Spider-Man comic.]

Issue 3

[Peter Parker has just vanquished Crusher Hogan. The MC holds up Spider-Man's arm.]

Wrestling MC: Ladies and gentlemen... THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN!

[Spider-Man beat Crusher Hogan a second time.]

Spider-Man: You okay?

Crusher Hogan: You think I've never been dropped on my head before?

Spider-Man: No, I kind of figured you had been.

Issue 4

[Peter Parker is livid.]

Ben Parker: Don't try to be something else. Don't try to be less. Great things are going to happen to you and your life, Peter. Great things. And with that will come great responsibility. Do you understand? Great responsibility.

Peter Parker: My dad...if he's so great...[yelling] Then where the hell is he!?!

Learning Curve

Issue 8

Spider-Man: Uh -- it looks like the script's in a recursive loop. A--a recursive loop. The line you changed is causing the script to call itself over and over again without a conditional statement to allow the script to exit or stop calling itself. None of the pages on the site are rendered because the results of the script are needed, but since the script is recursively calling itself, you'll never get results and the pages will never render. See? Technically, web sites don't crash, web servers do. And the web server hasn't crashed...yet. It will, if or when this recursive loop maxes out the web server's CPU resources. All you need to do is add a condtional statement like this to the script -- upload over the older script.

Issue 9

Spider-Man to the Enforcers: Don't you guys read the papers? What am I saying? You guys? Read?

Mr. Big: You want to get at the Kingpin? I'll tell you--you find something he wants, something he loves, and just...try to keep it from him. That...he hates more than anything.

Issue 10

[Kingpin has just spotted Spidey.]

Kingpin: Elektra, take care of this. I have guests.

Electro: Electro. "-TRO".

Issue 13

[Peter just revealed to Mary Jane that he is Spider-Man, and both confess their love to each other]

Mary Jane: Face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot.

Double Trouble

Issue 15

[Spidey has just taken out a mugger, when he sees Jonah and glares at him menacingly.]

Spider-Man: Hey, aren't you J. Jonah Jameson, Editor in Chief of the Daily Bugle? Aren't you the guy printing all that totally made up garbage about me just to sell newspapers? Well, I have only one thing to say to you...

[Spider-Man jumps away]

Spider-Man: Love the paper! It's hysterical.

[J. Jonah Jameson has a big sigh of relief and just wants to go on, when he falls flat on his face.]

Robbie Robertson: Jonah!

[Spider-Man has webbed JJJ's feet to the pavement.]

J. Jonah Jameson: Ben, this story has more holes in it than a Michael Bay movie.

Kenny McFarlane: Peter Parker is Spider-Man.

Issue 18

[Spider-Man is wriggling in Doc Ock's grip]

Spider-Man: No, I'm with the haircut police. There's a fifty-dollar-fine for bowlcuts in this city.

Doctor Octopus: I like my hair.

Later Doctor Octopus has captured Spider-Man:

Spider-Man: You're stronger than you look. But then again, I guess you'd have to be.

Doctor Octopus: You're ruining my moment here.

Doc Ock squeezes Peter's neck:

Spider-Man: Okay, okay, your hair is fabulous!

Issue 20

Spider-Man: [to Dr. Octopus] I still kinda feel bad for you and your silly arms incident... so I'm all like: maybe he just needs a hug?

Spider-Man: [to Dr. Octopus] You could rent yourself as a children's ride, you don't have to be all... [Dr. Octopus knocks him into a truck] Piooff!

Legacy

Issue 22

[Spidey is kicking around a bunch of inline-skating muggers. He exhibits an inability to stop talking to his enemies.]

Spider-Man: I jumped out of line at Taco Bell... for this? [delivers devastating blows] Your outfits don't even match! How hard is it to get your outfits to match? [Yet more blows] Do you know I fight guys with mechanical arms and actual electrical power? I am A-list, baby. [Yet more blows] I am a merchandising empire waiting to happen... [Yet more blows] ...and you can't even come up with a coherent group fashion statement! [muggers are unconcious, and Spider-Man continues talking] I'm not saying you have to put on the tights--tights aren't for everyone. And by the looks of most of you--tights would definitely be a bad move. But if you expect to be taken seriously by guys like me...you're really going to have to work on your presentation. [Turns to crowd] And may that be a lesson to all of you youngsters looking to get into the not so lucrative field of having a guy like me conk you one on the head...Oh, never mind... [Swings away] I'm late for class.

Issue 24

Nick Fury: Peter, optimism is a revolutionary act.

Peter Parker: Who told you that? The guy who poked out your eye?

[Fury jumps up, but then controls himself]

Nick Fury: Yes.

Public Scrutiny

Issue 32

[Spidey has just beaten his homicidal imposter to a pulp and yanks off his mask]

Spider-Man imposter: P-Please... I'm- I'm just some guy

Venom

[Venom, aka Eddie Brock, is standing in front of Peter Parker in the rain on a football field, the face of the squirming costume pulling back to reveal Eddie Brock's face.]

Venom: Our fathers died to create me... and now you will, too.

Irresponsible

Issue 40

(Spider-Man enters just with a Spider-Man mask, and a shirt with a spider logo)

Spider-Man: You just guys are just happy to be walking clichés. Not a care in the world. Seriously good for you. But come on guys, leave the lady alone.

(Gang looks at Spider-Man puzzled)

Spider-Man: What?

Thug 1: What are you suppose to be?

Spider-Man: What?

Thug 1: The hell is this?

Spider-Man: I'm Spider-Man. Read a paper.

Thug 1: Where's your costume?

Spider-Man: Your mom's washing it for me.

Thug 2: Ooooghhh, ddaayyymmnn!!

Issue 43

Jean Grey: In fact, you're the first guy in six months who hasn't immediately pictured me naked, so I appreciate that.

[Spider-Man stares blankly]

Jean Grey: Until now.

Issue 44

[Spidey wakes up in the X-Men's mansion.]

Spider-Man: You took off my mask?!!

Beast: We wanted to make sure you were still breathing.

Spider-Man [exasperated]: Man! I am trying to keep a secret identity here!! No one respects my secret identity!! No one!! One secret! That's all I want. I want to put on the mask and keep it on!! And every time I turn around someone somewhere finds out I'm Peter Parker!

[The X-Men snigger.]

Shadowcat: We, uh, we didn't know your name.

[Peter buries his head in his hands.]

Cats and Kings

Issue 50

Black Cat: Crossed a black cat... seven years bad luck.

Spider-Man: Um... did I just have seven years bad luck or am I going to have seven years bad luck?

Hollywood

Issue 54

[On the set of the "Spider-Man" movie, Tobey Maguire is "crawling" on a wall in the Spidey costume.]

Tobey Maguire: And one day the world will know just how conflicted-- AGH! AAGGH, can't see. I can't see!!

Sam Raimi: CUT! What's wrong, Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: The problem is I can't see out of this mask! Everytime I turn my head the mask shifts and--

[Suddenly, he stares right at the real Spider-Man.]

Spider-Man: You suck. [turning to the rest of the crew] You suck! And you suck and you suck.

[points to Sam Raimi

Spider-Man: All right, Evil Dead 2 was cool, but the rest of you suck!

[Spider-Man just angrily performed mind-boggling acts of acrobatics to prove how inferior the film will be to him.]

Spider-Man: Are you filming me? You're filming me now? Why are you filming me?

Avi Arad: Because a little CGI tweak and I just saved, roughly, 1.2 million on special effects.

Spider-Man: YOU!! PEOPLE!! SUCK!! AAAAGGHHH!!!!

Issue 55

[Sam Raimi and Avi Arad are on set of the "Spider-Man" movie, and on a distant wall, the real Spidey glowers angrily at them]

Sam Raimi: Avi, why are we whispering? He's a half-mile away.

Avi Arad: He might have spider-hearing.

Sam Raimi: Spider-hearing?

Avi Arad: Or something.

Issue 58

[Spidey faces Brazilian authorities]

Spider-Man: Speako Englisho! Please, does anyone speak anything even remotely close to English? I also speak a little Klingon but I am a bit of a nerd, so...

Issue 59

[Peter just fled Newark airport wearing his Spidey outfit plus earmuffs, a pullover, diapers, gloves and other outrageous stuff. On TV, eyewitnesses report a "crossdressing Spider-Man"]

Mary Jane: Dressing up like a woman now? Is there anything you want to tell me?

Carnage

Issue 60

[Spider-Man talking to Gladiator, who is hunched over and looks smaller than he actually is.]

Spider-Man: Hey, why don't you go and pick on someone your own...

[Gladiator turns around, revealing his true, gargntuine size as he towers over Spider-Man.]

Spider-Man: ...size? So, you just stay here and I'll go find somebody.

[Spidey is battling the Gladiator]

Spider-Man: OK, clearly you are the textbook definition of that noise you make when you strum your finger up and down over your lips.

Issue 62

Gwen Stacy: I don't even know if I like boys.

[Mary-Jane looks shocked]

Mary Jane: Are you messing with me here?

Gwen Stacy: [laughs] Yeah.

Superstars

Issue 67

[Spider-Man is in Wolverine's body.]

Spider-Man: [to Wolverine] You need to do a full body shampoo, man. You need to wash everywhere!

Hobgoblin

Issue 78

Mark Raxton: What's so special about this Peter Parker?

Mary Jane: Everything.

Warriors

Issue 80

[Spider-Man is fighting Moon Knight]

Spider-Man: You wore white to a superhero fight? I mean, look at you! You're filthy!! Even I know that's insane, and I'm suffering from deep emotional problems stemming from my chaotic dual life!

[Moon Knight throws moon-thingies at Spider-Man and Spidey webs them. He is holding them now.]

Spider-Man: Do you make these things yourself or do you have them custom made?

Moon Knight: Those are mine!

Spider-Man: Until you threw them at me. Now they're mine.

[Moon Knight steps back in horror.]

'Moon Knight: How old are you?

Issue 81

[Elektra and Spider-Man are in a lift. Spidey cannot help staring at her voluptuous chest.]

Spider-Man: What was your name again?

Elektra: Stop staring at them.

Spider-Man: What? I... er...

[Spidey looks down in shame. Elektra smirks.]

Issue 84

[Spidey has just stopped a huge battle between Black Cat, Elektra, Iron Fist, Hammerhead, Moon Knight, Shang-Chi and The Enforcers by literally drowning the room in an ocean of web.]

Spider-Man: You guys are nuts, you know that?? And this from a guy in his red and blue underwear!! NUTS!!!

Issue 85

[Black Cat has pinned Spidey against the wall and wants to make out with him.]

Black Cat: I am going to do it, Spider-Man. I am going to take off this mask and I am going to kiss you.

[Black Cat pulls off his mask, revealing Peter's childish face.]

Black Cat [utterly horrified]: I thought you were -- you are just a little -- how -- how old are -- BLUUUAAGGHH!!

[Black Cat vomits on Spidey and runs away in shame.]

• Note: Spidey is about 15-16, and Felicia Hardy, aka Black Cat, is probably in her mid-twenties.

[Kingpin is speaking to a informant, whose face is obscured]

Kingpin: At least one good thing came of this.

Informant: Yeah?

Kingpin: Spider-Man trusts you now.

Informant: Yeah, guess he does. So, what do you want me to make him to do for you?

[Full-page shot of the informant, namely Jeanne De Wolfe!]

Silver Sable

Issue 87

[Peter is telling Kitty Pryde about a fight with the Rhino.]

Spider-Man: A big metal rhino...thing...

Kitty Pryde: Trashing the city?

Spider-Man: Yes.

Kitty: Why? Why would someone do that?

Spider-Man: I couldn't tell you. Says the guy who dresses up as a spider.

Ultimate Spider-Man Annual #1

Spider-Man: I'm the loser of the school. I can't believe it. I'm the loser. It's me. I'm the one that doesn't fit in. What if I stood up and told them I was Spider-Man. The Spider-Man! The actual Spider-Man. I saved the school from the Green Goblin. I've met Captain America. They made a movie about me and you all went to see it!! (Even though I Didn't get a dime from it.)

---

[Peter is reading an Internet messageboard, just after taking out the Rhino]

Text: This makes me h8 Spider-Man even more. So the Army is there to take care of whatever this is but smug Spider feels he needs to stick his ugly nose into it. What an arrogant wad! The Army is there fatso!!!! Wo don't need you!!! Who asked you!??? My uncle thinks that Spider-Man is a disfigured freak and that is why he wears a mask. And he looks fat lately.

Peter: 'Fat'?

---

[Shadowcat is romantically interested in Spider-Man, who is single.]

Kitty Pryde: So can you not date anyone? Is that what you were saying before?

Peter Parker: I- I don't think I can. I can't protect the person from--

Kitty: But what if... they had, I don't know, mutant powers and could take care for themselves?

[Kitty is taken aback by her own words and literally sinks through the ground. Then she musters the strength to phase back up.

Kitty: That was insanely forward of me. That this-- That thing about having a girlfriend with powers. That was way--

Peter: Uh, I actually thought it was, like, an excellent point. I wasn't freaked out.

Kitty: I was.

Peter: Clearly.